PREFACE。
THE\"BABBALLADS\"appearedoriginallyinthecolumnsof\"FUN，\"
whenthatperiodicalwasundertheeditorshipofthelateTOMHOOD。
Theyweresubsequentlyrepublishedintwovolumes，onecalled\"THE
BABBALLADS，\"theother\"MOREBABBALLADS。\"Theperiodduringwhichtheywerewrittenextendedoversomethreeorfouryears；
many，however，werecomposedhastily，andunderthediscomfortingnecessityofhavingtoturnoutaquantityoflivelyversebyacertaindayineveryweek。Asitseemedtome（andtoothers）thatthevolumesweredisfiguredbythepresenceofthesehastilywrittenimpostors，IthoughtitbettertowithdrawfrombothvolumessuchBalladsasseemedtoshowevidenceofcarelessnessorunduehaste，andtopublishtheremainderinthecompactformunderwhichtheyarenowpresentedtothereader。
Itmayinterestsometoknowthatthefirstoftheseries，\"TheYarnoftheNANCYBELL，\"wasoriginallyofferedto\"PUNCH，\"—towhichIwas，atthattime，anoccasionalcontributor。Itwas，however，declinedbythethenEditor，onthegroundthatitwas\"toocannibalisticforhisreaders’tastes。\"
W。S。GILBERT。
24THEBOLTONS，SOUTHKENSINGTON，AUGUST，1876。
Ballad：CAPTAINREECE。
OFalltheshipsupontheblue，NoshipcontainedabettercrewThanthatofworthyCAPTAINREECE，CommandingofTHEMANTELPIECE。
Hewasadoredbyallhismen，ForworthyCAPTAINREECE，R。N。，DidallthatlaywithinhimtoPromotethecomfortofhiscrew。
Ifevertheyweredullorsad，Theircaptaindancedtothemlikemad，Ortold，tomakethetimepassby，Drolllegendsofhisinfancy。
Afeatherbedhadeveryman，Warmslippersandhot—watercan，Brownwindsorfromthecaptain’sstore，Avalet，too，toeveryfour。
Didtheywiththirstinsummerburn，Lo，seltzogenesateveryturn，AndonallverysultrydaysCreamiceshandedroundontrays。
ThencurrantwineandgingerpopsStoodhandilyonallthe\"tops；\"
Andalso，withamusementrife，A\"Zoetrope，orWheelofLife。\"
NewvolumescameacrosstheseaFromMISTERMUDIE’Slibraree；
THETIMESandSATURDAYREVIEW
Beguiledtheleisureofthecrew。
Kind—heartedCAPTAINREECE，R。N。，Wasquitedevotedtohismen；
Inpointoffact，goodCAPTAINREECE
BeatifiedTHEMANTELPIECE。
Onesummereve，athalf—pastten，Hesaid（addressingallhismen）：
\"Come，tellme，please，whatIcandoTopleaseandgratifymycrew。
\"ByanyreasonableplanI’llmakeyouhappyifIcan；
MyownconveniencecountasNIL：
Itismyduty，andIwill。\"
ThenupandansweredWILLIAMLEE
（Thekindlycaptain’scoxswainhe，Anervous，shy，low—spokenman），Heclearedhisthroatandthusbegan：
\"Youhaveadaughter，CAPTAINREECE，Tenfemalecousinsandaniece，AMa，ifwhatI’mtoldistrue，Sixsisters，andanauntortwo。
\"Now，somehow，sir，itseemstome，Morefriendly—likeweallshouldbe，Ifyouunitedof’emtoUnmarriedmembersofthecrew。
\"Ifyou’dameliorateourlife，Leteachselectfromthemawife；
Andasfornervousme，oldpal，Givemeyourownenchantinggal!\"
GoodCAPTAINREECE，thatworthyman，Debatedonhiscoxswain’splan：
\"Iquiteagree，\"hesaid，\"OBILL；
Itismyduty，andIwill。
\"Mydaughter，thatenchantinggurl，HasjustbeenpromisedtoanEarl，AndallmyotherfamileeTopeersofvariousdegree。
\"ButwhataredukesandviscountstoThehappinessofallmycrew？
ThewordIgaveyouI’llfulfil；
Itismyduty，andIwill。
\"Asyoudesireitshallbefall，I’llsettlethousandsonyouall，AndIshallbe，despitemyhoard，Theonlybacheloronboard。\"
TheboatswainofTHEMANTELPIECE，HeblushedandspoketoCAPTAINREECE：
\"Ibegyourhonour’sleave，\"hesaid；
\"Ifyouwouldwishtogoandwed，\"IhaveawidowedmotherwhoWouldbetheverythingforyou—
Shelonghaslovedyoufromafar：
Shewashesforyou，CAPTAINR。\"
TheCaptainsawthedamethatday—
Addressedherinhisplayfulway—
\"Anddiditwantaweddingring？
Itwasatemptingicklesing!
\"Well，well，thechaplainIwillseek，We’llallbemarriedthisdayweekAtyonderchurchuponthehill；
Itismyduty，andIwill!\"
Thesisters，cousins，aunts，andniece，AndwidowedMaofCAPTAINREECE，Attendedthereastheywerebid；
Itwastheirduty，andtheydid。
Ballad：THERIVALCURATES。
LISTwhilethepoettrollsOfMR。CLAYTONHOOPER，WhohadacureofsoulsAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper。
Helivedoncurdsandwhey，Anddailysangtheirpraises，Andthenhe’dgoandplayWithbuttercupsanddaisies。
WildcroquetHOOPERbanned，AndallthesportsofMammon，Hewarredwithcribbage，andHeexorcisedbackgammon。
HishelmetwasaglanceThatspokeofholygladness；
Asaintlysmilehislance；
Hisshieldatearofsadness。
HisVicarsmiledtoseeThisarmouronhimbuckled：
WithpardonablegleeHeblessedhimselfandchuckled。
\"InmildnesstoaboundMycurate’ssoledesignis；
InallthecountryroundThere’snonesomildasmineis!\"
AndHOOPER，disinclinedHistrumpettobeblowing，Yetdidn’tthinkyou’dfindAmildercurategoing。
AfriendarrivedonedayAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper，AndinthisshamefulwayHespoketoMr。HOOPER：
\"YouthinkyourfamousnameFormildnesscan’tbeshaken，Thatnonecanblotyourfame—
But，HOOPER，you’remistaken!
\"YourmindisnotasblankAsthatofHOPLEYPORTER，Whoholdsacurate’srankAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。
\"HEplaystheairyflute，Andlooksdepressedandblighted，Dovesroundabouthim’toot，’
Andlambkinsdancedelighted。
\"HElaboursmorethanyouAtworstedwork，andframesit；
Inoldmaids’albums，too，Sticksseaweed—yes，andnamesit!\"
Thetemptersaidhissay，Whichpiercedhimlikeaneedle—
HesummonedstraightawayHissextonandhisbeadle。
（ThesemenweremenwhocouldHoldliberalopinions：
OnSundaystheyweregood—
Onweek—daystheywereminions。）
\"ToHOPLEYPORTERgo，YourfareIwillaffordyou—
Dealhimadeadlyblow，Andblessingsshallrewardyou。
\"Butstay—IdonotlikeUndueassassination，Andsobeforeyoustrike，Makethiscommunication：
\"I’llgivehimthisonechance—
Ifhe’llmoregailybearhim，Playcroquet，smoke，anddance，Iwillinglywillsparehim。\"
Theywent，thoseminionstrue，ToAssesmilk—cum—Worter，AndtoldtheirerrandtoTheREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER。
\"What？\"saidthatreverendgent，\"Dancethroughmyhoursofleisure？
Smoke？—bathemyselfwithscent？—
Playcroquet？Oh，withpleasure!
\"Wearallmyhairincurl？
Standatmydoorandwink—so—
Ateverypassinggirl？
Mybrothers，Ishouldthinkso!
\"ForyearsI’velongedforsomeExcuseforthisrevulsion：
Nowthatexcusehascome—
Idoitoncompulsion!!!\"
Hesmokedandwinkedaway—
ThisREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER—
ThedeucetherewastopayAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。
AndHOOPERholdshisground，Inmildnessdailygrowing—
Theythinkhim，allaround，Themildestcurategoing。
Ballad：ONLYADANCINGGIRL。
ONLYadancinggirl，Withanunromanticstyle，Withborrowedcolourandcurl，Withfixedmechanicalsmile，Withmanyahackneyedwile，Withungrammaticallips，Andcornsthatmarhertrips。
Hungfromthe\"flies\"inair，Sheactsapalpablelie，She’saslittleafairythereAsunpoeticalI!
Ihearyouasking，Why—
WhyintheworldIsingThistawdry，tinselledthing？
Noairyfairyshe，AsshehangsinarsenicgreenFromahighlyimpossibletreeInahighlyimpossiblescene（Herselfnotover—clean）。
Forfaysdon’tsuffer，I’mtold，Frombunions，coughs，orcold。
AndstatelydamesthatbringTheirdaughterstheretosee，Pronouncethe\"dancingthing\"
Nobetterthansheshouldbe，Withherskirtathershamefulknee，Andherpainted，taintedphiz：
Ah，matron，whichofusis？
（And，insooth，itoftoccursThatwhilethesematronssigh，Theirdressesarelowerthanhers，Andsometimeshalfashigh；
Andtheirhairishairtheybuy，Andtheyusetheirglasses，too，Inawayshe’dblushtodo。）
ButchangehergoldandgreenForacoarsemerinogown，AndseeheruponthesceneOfherhome，whencoaxingdownHerdrunkenfather’sfrown，Inhissqualidcheerlessden：
She’safairytruly，then!
Ballad：TOALITTLEMAID—BYAPOLICEMAN。
COMEwithme，littlemaid，Nay，shrinknot，thusafraid—
I’llharmtheenot!
Flynot，mylove，fromme—
Ihaveahomeforthee—
Afairygrot，WheremortaleyeCanrarelypry，Thereshallthydwellingbe!
Listtome，whileItellThepleasuresofthatcell，Oh，littlemaid!
Whatthoughitscouchberude，HomelytheonlyfoodWithinitsshade？
NothoughtofcareCanenterthere，Novulgarswainintrude!
Comewithme，littlemaid，CometotherockyshadeIlovetosing；
Livewithus，maidenrare—
Come，forwe\"want\"theethere，Thouelfinthing，Toworkthyspell，InsomecoolcellInstatelyPentonville!
Ballad：THETROUBADOUR。
ATROUBADOURheplayedWithoutacastlewall，Within，ahaplessmaidRespondedtohiscall。
\"Oh，willow，woeisme!
Alackandwell—a—day!
IfIwereonlyfreeI’dhiemefaraway!\"
Unknownherfaceandname，Butthisheknewrightwell，Themaiden’swailingcameFromoutadungeoncell。
AhaplesswomanlayWithinthatdungeongrim—
Thatfact，I’veheardhimsay，Wasquiteenoughforhim。
\"Iwillnotsitorlie，Oreatordrink，Ivow，TillthouartfreeasI，OrIaspentasthou。\"
Hertearsthenceasedtoflow，Herwailsnolongerrang，AndtunefulinherwoeTheprisonedmaidensang：
\"Oh，stranger，asyouplay，Irecognizeyourtouch；
AndallthatIcansayIs，thankyouverymuch。\"
Heseizedhisclarionstraight，Andblewthereat，untilAwardenopedthegate。
\"Oh，whatmightbeyourwill？\"
\"I’vecome，SirKnave，toseeThemasterofthesehalls：
AmaidunwillinglyLiesprisonedintheirwalls。\"’
WithbarelystifledsighThatporterdroopedhishead，Withteardropsinhiseye，\"Amany，sir，\"hesaid。
Hestayedtohearnomore，Butpushedthatporterby，AndshortlystoodbeforeSIRHUGHDEPECKHAMRYE。
SIRHUGHhedarklyfrowned，\"Whatwouldyou，sir，withme？\"
ThetroubadourhedownedUponhisbendedknee。
\"I’vecome，DEPECKHAMRYE，TodoaChristiantask；
YouaskmewhatwouldI？
ItisnotmuchIask。
\"Releasethesemaidens，sir，Whomyoudominiono’er—
ParticularlyherUponthesecondfloor。
\"Andifyoudon’t，mylord\"—
Heherestoodboltupright，Andtappedatailor’ssword—
\"Comeout，youcad，andfight!\"
SIRHUGHhecalled—andranThewardenfromthegate：
\"Go，showthisgentlemanThemaidinForty—eight。\"
Bymanyacelltheypast，AndstoppedatlengthbeforeAportal，boltedfast：
Themanunlockedthedoor。
HecalledinsidethegateWithcoarseandbrutalshout，\"Come，stepit，Forty—eight!\"
AndForty—eightsteppedout。
\"Theygetsitprettyhot，Themaidenswhatwecotch—
Twoyearsthislady’sgotForcollaringawotch。\"
\"Oh，ah!—indeed—Isee，\"
Thetroubadourexclaimed—
\"IfImaymakesofree，Howisthiscastlenamed？
Thewarden’seyelidsfill，Andsighing，hereplied，\"OfgloomyPentonvilleThisisthefemaleside!\"
TheminstreldidnotwaitTheWardenstouttothank，ButrecollectedstraightHe’dbusinessattheBank。
Ballad：FERDINANDOANDELVIRA；OR，THEGENTLEPIEMAN。
PARTI。
ATapleasanteveningpartyIhadtakendowntosupperOnewhomIwillcallELVIRA，andwetalkedofloveandTUPPER，MR。TUPPERandthePoets，verylightlywiththemdealing，ForI’vealwaysbeendistinguishedforastrongpoeticfeeling。
Thenweletoffpapercrackers，eachofwhichcontainedamotto，AndshelistenedwhileIreadthem，tillhermothertoldhernotto。
Thenshewhispered，\"Totheball—roomwehadbetter，dear，bewalking；
Ifwestopdownheremuchlonger，reallypeoplewillbetalking。\"
Therewerenoblemenincoronets，andmilitarycousins，Therewerecaptainsbythehundred，therewerebaronetsbydozens。
Yetsheheedednottheiroffers，butdismissedthemwithablessing，Thensheletdownallherbackhair，whichhadtakenlongindressing。
Thenshehadconvulsivesobbingsinheragitatedthrottle，Thenshewipedherprettyeyesandsmeltherprettysmelling—
bottle。
SoIwhispered，\"DearELVIRA，say，—whatcanthematterbewithyou？
Doesanythingyou’veeaten，darlingPOPSY，disagreewithyou？\"
ButspiteofallIsaid，hersobsgrewmoreandmoredistressing，Andshetoreherprettybackhair，whichhadtakenlongindressing。
Thenshegazeduponthecarpet，attheceiling，thenaboveme，Andshewhispered，\"FERDINANDO，doyoureally，REALLYloveme？\"
\"Loveyou？\"saidI，thenIsighed，andthenIgazeduponhersweetly—
ForIthinkIdothissortofthingparticularlyneatly。
\"SendmetotheArcticregions，orillimitableazure，Onascientificgoose—chase，withmyCOXWELLormyGLAISHER!
\"TellmewhitherImayhieme—tellme，dearone，thatImayknow—
IsitupthehighestAndes？downahorriblevolcano？\"
Butshesaid，\"Itisn’tpolarbears，orhotvolcanicgrottoes：
Onlyfindoutwhoitisthatwritesthoselovelycrackermottoes!\"
PARTII。
\"Tellme，HENRYWADSWORTH，ALFREDPOETCLOSE，orMISTERTUPPER，DoyouwritethebonbonmottoesmyELVIRApullsatsupper？\"
ButHENRYWADSWORTHsmiled，andsaidhehadnothadthathonour；
AndALFRED，too，disclaimedthewordsthattoldsomuchuponher。
\"MISTERMARTINTUPPER，POETCLOSE，Ibegofyouinformus；\"
Butmyquestionseemedtothrowthembothintoarageenormous。
MISTERCLOSEexpressedawishthathecouldonlygetanightome；
AndMISTERMARTINTUPPERsentthefollowingreplytome：
\"Afoolisbentuponatwig，butwisemendreadabandit，\"—
WhichIknowwasveryclever；butIdidn’tunderstandit。
SevenwearyyearsIwandered—Patagonia，China，Norway，TillatlastIsankexhaustedatapastrycookhisdoorway。
Therewerefuchsiasandgeraniums，anddaffodilsandmyrtle，SoIentered，andIorderedhalfabasinofmockturtle。
Hewasplumpandhewaschubby，hewassmoothandhewasrosy，Andhislittlewifewasprettyandparticularlycosy。
Andhechirpedandsang，andskippedabout，andlaughedwithlaughterhearty—
Hewaswonderfullyactiveforsoverystoutaparty。
AndIsaid，\"Ogentlepieman，whysovery，verymerry？
Isitpurityofconscience，oryourone—and—sevensherry？\"
Butheanswered，\"I’msohappy—noprofessioncouldbedearer—
IfIamnothumming’Tra!la!la!’I’msinging’Tirer，lirer!’
\"FirstIgoandmakethepatties，andthepuddings，andthejellies，ThenImakeasugarbird—cage，whichuponatableswellis；
\"ThenIpolishallthesilver，whichasupper—tablelacquers；
ThenIwritetheprettymottoeswhichyoufindinsidethecrackers。\"—
\"Foundatlast!\"Imadlyshouted。\"Gentlepieman，youastoundme!\"
ThenIwavedtheturtlesoupenthusiasticallyroundme。
AndIshoutedandIdanceduntilhe’dquiteacrowdaroundhim—
AndIrushedawayexclaiming，\"Ihavefoundhim!Ihavefoundhim!\"
AndIheardthegentlepiemanintheroadbehindmetrilling，\"’Tira，lira!’stophim，stophim!’Tra!la!la!’thesoup’sashilling!\"
ButuntilIreachedELVIRA’Shome，Inever，neverwaited，AndELVIRAtoherFERDINAND’Sirrevocablymated!
Ballad：TOMYBRIDE—（WHOEVERSHEMAYBE。）
OH!littlemaid!—（IdonotknowyournameOrwhoyouare，so，asasafeprecautionI’lladd）—Oh，buxomwidow!marrieddame!
（Asoneofthesemustbeyourpresentportion）
Listen，whileIunveilpropheticloreforyou，AndsingthefatethatFortunehasinstoreforyou。
You’llmarrysoon—withinayearortwain—
AbachelorofCIRCAtwoandthirty：
Tall，gentlemanly，butextremelyplain，Andwhenyou’reintimate，you’llcallhim\"BERTIE。\"
Neat—dresseswell；histemperhasbeenclassifiedAshasty；buthe’sveryquicklypacified。
You’llfindhimworkingmildlyattheBar，Afteratouchattwoorthreeprofessions，Fromeasyaffluenceextremelyfar，AbriefortwoonCircuit—\"soup\"atSessions；
Apoundortwofromwhistandbackinghorses，And，saythreehundredfromhisownresources。
Quietinharness；freefromseriousvice，Hisfaultsarenotparticularlyshady，You’llneverfindhim\"SHY\"—for，onceortwiceAlready，he’sbeendrivenbyalady，Whopartswithhim—perhapsapoorexcuseforhim—
Becauseshehasn’tanyfurtheruseforhim。
Oh!brideofmine—tall，dumpy，dark，orfair!
Oh!widow—wife，maybe，orblushingmaiden，I’vetoldYOURfortune；solvedthegravestcareWithwhichyourmindhashithertobeenladen。
I’veprophesiedcorrectly，neverdoubtit；
Nowtellmemine—andpleasebequickaboutit!
You—onlyyou—cantellme，an’youwill，TowhomI’mdestinedshortlytobemated，WillsherunupaheavyMODISTE’Sbill？
Ifso，Iwanttohearherincomestated（Thisisapointwhichinterestsmegreatly）。
Toquotethebard，\"Oh!haveIseenherlately？\"
Say，mustIwaittillhusbandnumberoneIscomfortablystowedawayatWoking？
Howisherhairmostusuallydone？
Andtellme，please，willsheobjecttosmoking？
Thecolourofhereyes，too，youmaymention：
Come，Sibyl，prophesy—I’mallattention。
Ballad：SIRMACKLIN。
OFalltheyouthsIeversawNoneweresowicked，vain，orsilly，SolosttoshameandSabbathlaw，AsworldlyTOM，andBOB，andBILLY。
ForeverySabbathdaytheywalked（Suchwastheirgayandthoughtlessnatur）
Inparksorgardens，wheretheytalkedFromthreetosix，orevenlater。
SIRMACKLINwasapriestsevereInconductandinconversation，ItdidasinnergoodtohearHimdealinratiocination。
HecouldineveryactionshowSomesin，andnobodycoulddoubthim。
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
HewepttothinkeachthoughtlessyouthContainedofwickednessaskinful，Andburnttoteachtheawfultruth，ThatwalkingoutonSunday’ssinful。
\"Oh，youths，\"saidhe，\"IgrievetofindThecourseoflifeyou’vebeenandhiton—
Sitdown，\"saidhe，\"andnevermindThepenniesforthechairsyousiton。
\"Myopeningheadis’Kensington，’
Howwalkingtherethesinnerhardens，WhichwhenIhaveenlargedupon，Igoto’Secondly’—its’Gardens。’
\"My’Thirdly’comprehendeth’Hyde，’
OfSecresytheguiltsandshameses；
My’Fourthly’—’Park’—itsverdurewide—
My’Fifthly’comprehends’St。James’s。’
\"Thatmattersettled，IshallreachThe’Sixthly’inmysolemntether，Andshowthatwhatistrueofeach，Isalsotrueofall，together。
\"ThenIshalldemonstratetoyou，AccordingtotherulesofWHATELY，Thatwhatistrueofall，istrueOfeach，consideredseparately。\"
Inlavishstreamhisaccentsflow，TOM，BOB，andBILLYdarenotflouthim；
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
\"Ha，ha!\"hesaid，\"youloatheyourways，Youwritheatthesemywordsofwarning，Inagonyyourhandsyouraise。\"
（Andsotheydid，fortheywereyawning。）
To\"Twenty—firstly\"ontheygo，Theladsdonotattempttoscouthim；
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
\"Ho，ho!\"hecries，\"youbowyourcrests—
Myeloquencehassetyouweeping；
Inshameyoubenduponyourbreasts!\"
（Andsotheydid，fortheyweresleeping。）
Heprovedthemthis—heprovedthemthat—
Thisgoodbutwearisomeascetic；
Hejumpedandthumpeduponhishat，Hewassoveryenergetic。
HisBishopatthismomentchancedTopass，andfoundtheroadencumbered；
HenoticedhowtheChurchmandanced，Andhowhiscongregationslumbered。
ThehundredandeleventhheadThepriestcompletedofhisstricture；
\"Oh，bosh!\"theworthyBishopsaid，Andwalkedhimoffasinthepicture。
Ballad：THEYARNOFTHE\"NANCYBELL。\"（1）
’TWASontheshoresthatroundourcoastFromDealtoRamsgatespan，ThatIfoundaloneonapieceofstoneAnelderlynavalman。
Hishairwasweedy，hisbeardwaslong，Andweedyandlongwashe，AndIheardthiswightontheshorerecite，Inasingularminorkey：
\"Oh，Iamacookandacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。\"
Andheshookhisfistsandhetorehishair，TillIreallyfeltafraid，ForIcouldn’thelpthinkingthemanhadbeendrinking，AndsoIsimplysaid：
\"Oh，elderlyman，it’slittleIknowOfthedutiesofmenofthesea，AndI’lleatmyhandifIunderstandHoweveryoucanbe\"Atonceacook，andacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。\"
Thenhegaveahitchtohistrousers，whichIsatrickallseamenlarn，Andhavinggotridofathumpingquid，Hespunthispainfulyarn：
\"’TwasinthegoodshipNANCYBELL
ThatwesailedtotheIndianSea，Andthereonareefwecometogrief，Whichhasoftenoccurredtome。
\"Andprettynighallthecrewwasdrowned（Therewasseventy—seveno’soul），AndonlytenoftheNANCY’SmenSaid’Here!’tothemuster—roll。
\"Therewasmeandthecookandthecaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andthebo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。
\"Foramonthwe’dneitherwittlesnordrink，Tilla—hungrywedidfeel，Sowedrawedalot，and，accordin’shotThecaptainforourmeal。
\"ThenextlotfelltotheNANCY’Smate，Andadelicatedishhemade；
ThenourappetitewiththemidshipmiteWesevensurvivorsstayed。
\"Andthenwemurderedthebo’suntight，Andhemuchresembledpig；
Thenwewittledfree，didthecookandme，Onthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。
\"Thenonlythecookandmewasleft，Andthedelicatequestion，’WhichOfustwogoestothekettle？’arose，Andweargueditoutassich。
\"ForIlovedthatcookasabrother，Idid，Andthecookheworshippedme；
Butwe’dbothbeblowedifwe’deitherbestowedIntheotherchap’shold，yousee。
\"’I’llbeeatifyoudinesoffme，’saysTOM；
’Yes，that，’saysI，’you’llbe，—
’I’mboiledifIdie，myfriend，’quothI；
And’Exactlyso，’quothhe。
\"Sayshe，’DearJAMES，tomurdermeWereafoolishthingtodo，Fordon’tyouseethatyoucan’tcookME，WhileIcan—andwill—cookYOU!’
\"Soheboilsthewater，andtakesthesaltAndthepepperinportionstrue（Whichheneverforgot），andsomechoppedshalot。
Andsomesageandparsleytoo。
\"’Comehere，’sayshe，withaproperpride，Whichhissmilingfeaturestell，’’TwillsoothingbeifIletyouseeHowextremelyniceyou’llsmell。’
\"Andhestirreditroundandroundandround，Andhesniffedatthefoamingfroth；
WhenIupswithhisheels，andsmothershissquealsInthescumoftheboilingbroth。
\"AndIeatthatcookinaweekorless，And—asIeatingbeThelastofhischops，why，Ialmostdrops，ForawesselinsightIsee!
****
\"AndIneverlarf，andIneversmile，AndIneverlarknorplay，Butsitandcroak，andasinglejokeIhave—whichistosay：
\"Oh，Iamacookandacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig!’\"
Ballad：THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOO。
FROMeastandsouththeholyclanOfBishopsgatheredtoaman；
ToSynod，calledPan—Anglican，Inflockingcrowdstheycame。
AmongthemwasaBishop，whoHadlatelybeenappointedtoThebalmyisleofRum—ti—Foo，AndPETERwashisname。
Hispeople—twenty—threeinsum—
Theyplayedtheeloquenttum—tum，Andlivedonscalpsservedup，inrum—
Theonlysaucetheyknew。
WhenfirstgoodBISHOPPETERcame（ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname），Tohumourthem，hedidthesameAstheyofRum—ti—Foo。
Hisflock，I’veoftenheardhimtell，（HisnamewasPETER）lovedhimwell，And，summonedbythesoundofbell，Incrowdstogethercame。
\"Oh，massa，whyyougoaway？
Oh，MASSAPETER，pleasetostay。\"
（TheycalledhimPETER，peoplesay，Becauseitwashisname。）
Hetoldthemallgoodboystobe，Andsailedawayacrossthesea，AtLondonBridgethatBishopheArrivedoneTuesdaynight；
AndasthatnighthehomewardstrodeTohisPan—Anglicanabode，HepassedalongtheBoroughRoad，Andsawagruesomesight。
HesawacrowdassembledroundApersondancingontheground，WhostraightbegantoleapandboundWithallhismightandmain。
Toseethatdancingmanhestopped，Whotwirledandwriggled，skippedandhopped，Thendownincontinentlydropped，Andthensprangupagain。
TheBishopchuckledatthesight。
\"ThisstyleofdancingwoulddelightAsimpleRum—ti—Foozleite。
I’lllearnitifIcan，TopleasethetribewhenIgetback。\"
Hebeggedthemantoteachhisknack。
\"RightReverendSir，inhalfacrack!
Repliedthatdancingman。
Thedancingmanheworkedaway，AndtaughttheBishopeveryday—
Thedancerskippedlikeanyfay—
GoodPETERdidthesame。
TheBishopbuckledtohistask，WithBATTEMENTS，andPASDEBASQUE。
（I’lltellyou，ifyoucaretoask，ThatPETERwashisname。）
\"Come，walklikethis，\"thedancersaid，\"Stickoutyourtoes—stickinyourhead，Stalkonwithquick，galvanictread—
Yourfingersthusextend；
Theattitude’sconsideredquaint。\"
ThewearyBishop，feelingfaint，Replied，\"Idonotsayitain’t，But’Time!’myChristianfriend!\"
\"Wenowproceedtosomethingnew—
DanceasthePAYNESandLAURISdo，Likethis—one，two—one，two—one，two。\"
TheBishop，neverproud，Butinanoverwhelmingheat（HisnamewasPETER，Irepeat）
PerformedthePAYNEandLAURIfeat，Andpuffedhisthanksaloud。
Anothergamethedancerplanned—
\"Justtakeyourankleinyourhand，Andtry，mylord，ifyoucanstand—
Yourbodystiffandstark。
If，whenrevisitingyoursee，Youlearnttohoponshore—likeme—
Thenoveltywouldstrikingbe，Andmustattractremark。\"
\"No，\"saidtheworthyBishop，\"no；
Thatisalengthtowhich，Itrow，ColonialBishopscannotgo。
YoumayexpresssurpriseAtfindingBishopsdealinpride—
ButifthattrickIevertried，IshouldappearundignifiedInRum—ti—Foozle’seyes。
\"TheislandersofRum—ti—FooArewell—conductedpersons，whoApproveajokeasmuchasyou，Andlaughatitassuch；
ButiftheysawtheirBishopland，Hislegsupportedinhishand，Thejoketheywouldn’tunderstand—
’Twouldpainthemverymuch!\"
Ballad：THEPRECOCIOUSBABY。AVERYTRUETALE。
（TOBESUNGTOTHEAIROFTHE\"WHISTLINGOYSTER。\"）
ANelderlyperson—aprophetbytrade—
WithhisquipsandtipsOnwitheredoldlips，Hemarriedayoungandabeautifulmaid；
Thecunningoldblade!
Thoughratherdecayed，Hemarriedabeautiful，beautifulmaid。
Shewasonlyeighteen，andasfairascouldbe，WithhertemptingsmilesAndmaidenlywiles，Andhewasatriflepastseventy—three：
NowwhatshecouldseeIsapuzzletome，Inaprophetofseventy—seventy—three!
Ofalltheiracquaintancesbidden（orbad）
WiththeirloudhighjinksAndunderbredwinks，Nonethoughtthey’dafamilyhave—buttheyhad；
AdearlittleladWhodrove’emhalfmad，Forheturnedoutahorriblyfastlittlecad。
Forwhenhewasbornheastonishedallby，Withtheir\"Law，dearme!\"
\"Dideveryousee？\"
He’dapipeinhismouthandaglassinhiseye，Ahatallawry—
Anoctagontie—
Andaminiature—miniatureglassinhiseye。
Hegrumbledatwearingafrockandacap，Withhis\"Oh，dear，oh!\"
Andhis\"Hangit!’ooknow!\"
Andheturneduphisnoseathisexcellentpap—
\"Myfriends，it’satapDatisnotworfarap。\"
（Nowthiswasremarkablyexcellentpap。）
He’dchuckhisnurseunderthechin，andhe’dsay，Withhis\"Fal，lal，lal\"—
\"’Oodoosedfinegal!\"
Thisshockingprecocitydrove’emaway：
\"Amonthfromto—dayIsaslongasI’llstay—
ThenI’dwish，ifyouplease，fortotoddleaway。\"
Hisfather，asimpleoldgentleman，heWithnurseryrhymeAnd\"Onceonatime，\"
Wouldtellhimthestoryof\"LittleBo—P，\"
\"Soprettywasshe，Soprettyandwee，Aspretty，aspretty，asprettycouldbe。\"
Butthebabe，withadigthatwouldstartleanox，Withhis\"C’ck!Oh，my!—
Goalongwiz’oo，fie!\"
Wouldexclaim，\"I’mafraid’ooasockingolefox。\"
Nowafatheritshocks，Anditwhitenshislocks，Whenhislittlebabecallshimashockingoldfox。
Thenameofhisfatherhe’dcoupleandpair（Withhisill—bredlaugh，Andinsolentchaff）
Withthoseofthenurseryheroinesrare—
VirginiatheFair，OrGoodGoldenhair，Tillthenuisancewasmorethanaprophetcouldbear。
\"There’sJillandWhiteCat\"（saidtheboldlittlebrat，Withhisloud，\"Ha，ha!\"）
\"’OoslyicklePa!
Wiz’ooBeauty，Bo—Peep，and’ooMrs。JackSprat!
I’venoticed’oopatMYprettyWhiteCat—
Isinkdearmammaoughttoknowaboutdat!\"
Heearlydeterminedtomarryandwive，ForbetterorworseWithhiselderlynurse—
Whichthepoorlittleboydidn’tlivetocontrive：
Hishearthdidn’tthrive—
Nolongeralive，Hediedanenfeebledolddotardatfive!
MORAL。
Now，elderlymenofthebachelorcrew，WithwrinkledhoseAndspectaclednose，Don’tmarryatall—youmaytakeitastrueIfeveryoudoThestepyouwillrue，Foryourbabeswillbeelderly—elderlytoo。
Ballad：TOPHOEBE。（2）
\"GENTLE，modestlittleflower，SweetepitomeofMay，Lovemebutforhalfanhour，Loveme，loveme，littlefay。\"
SentencessofiercelyflamingInyourtinyshell—likeear，IshouldalwaysbeexclaimingIfIlovedyou，PHOEBEdear。
\"SmilesthatthrillfromanydistanceSheduponmewhileIsing!
Pleaseecstaticizeexistence，Loveme，oh，thoufairything!\"
Wordslikethese，outpouringsadlyYou’dperpetuallyhear，IfIlovedyoufondly，madly；—
ButIdonot，PHOEBEdear。
Ballad：BAINESCAREW，GENTLEMAN。
OFallthegoodattorneyswhoHaveplacedtheirnamesupontheroll，ButfewcouldequalBAINESCAREW
Fortender—heartednessandsoul。
Whene’erheheardataleofwoeFromclientAorclientB，HisgriefwouldovercomehimsoHe’dscarcehavestrengthtotakehisfee。
Itlaidhimupformanydays，Whendutyledhimtodistrain，Andservingwrits，althoughitpays，Gavehimexcruciatingpain。
Hemadeoutcosts，distrainedforrent，Foreclosedandsued，withmoistenedeye—
NobillofcostscouldrepresentThevalueofsuchsympathy。
NochargescanapproximateTheworthofsympathywithwoe；—
AlthoughIthinkIoughttostateHedidhisbesttomakethemso。
OfallthemanyclientswhoHadmusteredroundhislegalflag，NosingleclientofthecrewWashalfsodearasCAPTAINBAGG。
Now，CAPTAINBAGGhadbowedhimtoAheavymatrimonialyoke—
Hiswifeyhadoffaultsafew—
Shenevercouldresistajoke。
Herchaffatfirsthemeeklybore，Tillunendurableitgrew。
\"TostopthispersecutionsoreIwillconsultmyfriendCAREW。
\"AndwhenCAREW’SadviceI’vegot，DivorceAMENSAIshalltry。\"
（Alegalseparation—notAVINCULOCONJUGII。）
\"Oh，BAINESCAREW，mywoeI’vekeptAsecrethitherto，youknow；\"—
（AndBAINESCAREW，ESQUIRE，heweptTohearthatBAGGHADanywoe。）
\"Mycase，indeed，ispassingsad。
Mywife—whomIconsideredtrue—
Withbrutalconductdrivesmemad。\"
\"Iamappalled，\"saidBAINESCAREW。
\"What!soundthematrimonialknellOfworthypeoplesuchasthese!
WhywasIanattorney？Well—
GoontotheSAEVITIA，please。\"
\"Domesticblisshasprovedmybane，—
Ahardercaseyouneverheard，Mywife（inothermatterssane）
PretendsthatI’maDickybird!
\"Shemakesmesing，’Too—whit，too—wee!’
Andstanduponaroundedstick，AndalwaysintroducesmeToeveryoneas’PrettyDick’!\"
\"Oh，dear，\"saidweepingBAINESCAREW，\"ThisisthedirestcaseIknow。\"
\"I’mgrieved，\"saidBAGG，\"atpainingyou—
\"ToCOBBandPOLTHERTHWAITEI’llgo—
\"ToCOBB’Scold，calculatingear，MygruesomesorrowsI’llimpart\"—
\"No；stop，\"saidBAINES，\"I’lldrymytear，Andsteelmysympatheticheart。\"
\"Shemakesmeperchuponatree，Rewardingmewith’Sweety—nice!’
AndthreatenstoexhibitmeWithfourorfiveperformingmice。\"
\"RestrainmytearsIwishIcould\"
（SaidBAINES），\"Idon’tknowwhattodo。\"
SaidCAPTAINBAGG，\"You’reverygood。\"
\"Oh，notatall，\"saidBAINESCAREW。
\"Shemakesmefireagun，\"saidBAGG；
\"And，atapreconcertedword，Climbupaladderwithaflag，Likeanystreetperformingbird。
\"Sheplacessugarinmyway—
Inpublicplacescallsme’Sweet!’
Shegivesmegroundseleveryday，Andhardcanary—seedtoeat。\"
\"Oh，woe!oh，sad!oh，diretotell!\"
（SaidBAINES）。\"Begoodenoughtostop。\"
Andsenselessonthefloorhefell，Withunpremeditatedflop!
SaidCAPTAINBAGG，\"Well，reallyI
Amgrievedtothinkitpainsyouso。
Ithankyouforyoursympathy；
But，hangit!—come—Isay，youknow!\"
ButBAINESlayflatuponthefloor，Convulsedwithsympatheticsob；—
TheCaptaintoddledoffnextdoor，AndgavethecasetoMR。COBB。
Ballad：THOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。
INallthetownsandcitiesfairOnMerryEngland’sbroadexpanse，NoswordsmanevercouldcompareWithTHOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。
ThedauntlessladcouldfairlyhewAsilkenhandkerchiefintwain，Dividealegofmuttontoo—
Andthiswithoutunwholesomestrain。
Onwholehalf—sheep，withcunningtrick，Hissabresometimeshe’demploy—
Nobaroflead，howeverthick，Hadterrorsforthestalwartboy。
AtDoverdailyhe’dprepareTohewandslash，behind，before—
WhichaggravatedMONSIEURPIERRE，WhowatchedhimfromtheCalaisshore。
ItcausedgoodPIERREtoswearanddance，Thesightannoyedandvexedhimso；
HewasthebravestmaninFrance—
Hesaidso，andheoughttoknow。
\"Regardezdonc，cecochongros—
Cepolisson!Oh，sacrebleu!
Sonsabre，sonplomb，etsesgigotsCommecelam’ennuye，enfin，monDieu!
\"IlsaitquelesfoulardsdesoieGivenoretaliatingwhack—
Lesgigotsmortsn’ontpasdequoi—
Leplombdon’teverhityouback。\"
ButeverydaytheheadstrongladCutleadandmuttonmoreandmore；
AndeverydaypoorPIERRE，halfmad，Shriekedlouddefiancefromhisshore。
HANCEhadamother，poorandold，Asimple，harmlessvillagedame，WhocrowedandclappedaspeopletoldOfWINTERBOTTOM’Srisingfame。
Shesaid，\"I’llbeuponthespotToseemyTOMMY’Ssabre—play；\"
Andsosheleftherleafycot，AndwalkedtoDoverinaday。
PIERREhadadoatingmother，whoHadheardofhisdefiantrage；
HISMawasnearlyninety—two，Andratherdressyforherage。
AtHANCE’Sdoingseverymorn，WithsheerdelightHISmothercried；
AndMONSIEURPIERRE’ScontemptuousscornFilledHISmammawithproperpride。
ButHANCE’Spowersbegantofail—
Hisconstitutionwasnotstrong—
AndPIERRE，whooncewasstoutandhale，Grewthinfromshoutingalldaylong。
Theirmotherssawthempaleandwan，Maternalanguishtoreeachbreast，AndsotheymettofindaplanTosettheiroffsprings’mindsatrest。
SaidMRS。HANCE，\"OfcourseIshrinksFrombloodshed，ma’am，asyou’reaware，Butstillthey’dbettermeet，Ithinks。\"
\"Assurement!\"saidMADAMEPIERRE。
AsunnyspotinsunnyFranceWashituponforthisaffair；
ThegroundwaspickedbyMRS。HANCE，ThestakeswerepitchedbyMADAMEPIERRE。
SaidMRS。H。，\"Yourworkyousee—
Goin，mynobleboy，andwin。\"
\"Engarde，monfils!\"saidMADAMEP。
\"Allons!\"\"Goon!\"\"Engarde!\"\"Begin!\"
（Themotherswereofdecentsize，Thoughnotparticularlytall；
ButinthesketchthatmeetsyoureyesI’vebeenobligedtodrawthemsmall。）
LoudsneeredthedoughtymanofFrance，\"Ho!ho!Ho!ho!Ha!ha!Ha!ha!
\"TheFrenchfor’Pish’\"saidTHOMASHANCE。
SaidPIERRE，\"L’Anglais，Monsieur，pour’Bah。’\"
SaidMRS。H。，\"Come，one!two!three!—
We’resittin’heretoseeallfair。\"
\"C’estmagnifique!\"saidMADAMEP。，\"Mais，parbleu!cen’estpaslaguerre!\"
\"Jescornunfoesilachequevous，\"
SaidPIERRE，thedoughtysonofFrance。
\"Ifightnotcowardfoelikeyou!\"
SaidourundauntedTOMMYHANCE。
\"TheFrenchfor’Pooh!’\"ourTOMMYcried。
\"L’Anglaispour’Va!’\"theFrenchmancrowed。
Andso，withundiminishedpride，Eachwentonhisrespectiveroad。
Ballad：ADISCONTENTEDSUGARBROKER。
AGENTLEMANofCityfameNowclaimsyourkindattention；
EastIndiabrokingwashisgame，HisnameIshallnotmention：
Nooneoffinely—pointedsenseWouldviolateaconfidence，AndshallIgoAnddoit？No!
HisnameIshallnotmention。
Hehadatrustywifeandtrue，Andverycosyquarters，Amanager，aboyortwo，Sixclerks，andsevenporters。
Abrokermustbedoingwell（Asanylunaticcantell）
WhocanemployAnactiveboy，Sixclerks，andsevenporters。
Hisknockeradvertisednodun，Nolossesmadehimsulky，Hehadonesorrow—onlyone—
Hewasextremelybulky。
Amanmustbe，Ibegtostate，ExceptionallyfortunateWhoownshischiefAndonlygriefIs—beingverybulky。
\"Thisload，\"he’dsay，\"Icannotbear；
I’mnineteenstoneortwenty!
HenceforwardI’llgoinforairAndexerciseinplenty。\"
Mostpeoplethinkthat，shoulditcome，TheycanreduceabulgingtumTomeasuresfairBytakingairAndexerciseinplenty。
Ineveryweather，everyday，Dry，muddy，wet，orgritty，HetooktodancingallthewayFromBromptontotheCity。
YoudonotoftengetthechanceOfseeingsugarbrokersdanceFromtheirabodeInFulhamRoadThroughBromptontotheCity。
HebravedthegayandguilelesslaughOfchildrenwiththeirnusses，ThelouduneducatedchaffOfclerksonomnibuses。
AgainstallminorthingsthatrackAnicely—balancedmind，I’llbackThenoisychaffAndill—bredlaughOfclerksonomnibuses。
Hisfriends，whoheardhismoneychink，Andsawthehouseherented，Andknewhiswife，couldneverthinkWhatmadehimdiscontented。
ItneverenteredtheirpuremindsThatfadsareofeccentrickinds，NorwouldtheyownThatfataloneCouldmakeonediscontented。
\"Yourrichesknownokindofpause，Yourtradeisfastadvancing；
Youdance—butnotforjoy，becauseYouweepasyouaredancing。
Todanceimpliesthatmanisglad，Toweepimpliesthatmanissad；
ButhereareyouWhodothetwo—
Youweepasyouaredancing!\"
HismaniasoongotnoisedaboutAndintoallthepapers；
HissizeincreasedbeyondadoubtForallhisrecklesscapers：
Itmayseemsingulartoyou，Butallhisfriendsadmitittrue—
ThemorehefoundHisfigureround，Themorehecuthiscapers。
Hisbulkincreased—nomatterthat—
Hetriedthemoretotossit—
Heneverspokeofitas\"fat，\"
But\"adiposedeposit。\"
Uponmyword，itseemstomeUnpardonablevanity（Andworsethanthat）
TocallyourfatAn\"adiposedeposit。\"
Atlengthhisbrawnykneesgaveway，Andonthecarpetsinking，UponhisshapelessbackhelayAndkickedawaylikewinking。
InsteadofseeinginhisstateThefingerofunswervingFate，HelabouredstillToworkhiswill，Andkickedawaylikewinking。
Hisfriends，disgustedwithhimnow，Awayinsilencewended—
IhardlyliketotellyouhowThisdreadfulstoryended。
Theshockingsequeltoimpart，Imustemploythelimner’sart—
Ifyouwouldknow，ThissketchwillshowHowhisexertionsended。
MORAL。
Ihatetopreach—Ihatetoprate—
—I’mnofanaticcroaker，ButlearncontentmentfromthefateOfthisEastIndiabroker。
He’deverythingamanoftasteCouldeverwant，exceptawaist；
AnddiscontentHissizeanent，Andbootlessperseveranceblind，CompletelywreckedthepeaceofmindOfthisEastIndiabroker。
Ballad：THEPANTOMIME\"SUPER\"TOHISMASK。
VASTemptyshell!
Impertinent，preposterousabortion!
Withvacantstare，Andraggedhair，Andeveryfeatureoutofallproportion!
Embodimentofechoinginanity!
Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!
Unwieldy，clumsynightmareofhumanity!
Iringthyknell!
To—nightthoudiest，Beastthatdestroy’stmyheaven—bornidentity!
Nineweeksofnights，Beforethelights，Swampedinthineownpreposterousnonentity，I’vebeenill—treated，cursed，andthrasheddiurnally，Creditedforthesmileyouwearexternally—
Ifeeldisposedtosmashthyface，infernally，Astherethouliest!
I’vebeenthybrain：
I’VEbeenthebrainthatlitthydullconcavity!
ThehumanraceInvestMYfaceWiththineexpressionofuncheckeddepravity，Investedwithaghastlyreciprocity，I’VEbeenresponsibleforthymonstrosity，I，forthywanton，blunderingferocity—
Butnotagain!
’TistimetotollThyknell，andthatoffolliespantomimical：
Anineweeks’run，AndthouhastdoneAllthoucanstdotomakethyselfinimical。
Adieu，embodimentofallinanity!
Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!
Unwieldy，clumsynightmareofhumanity!
Freedisthysoul!
（THEMASKRESPONDETH。）
Oh!mastermine，Lookthouwithinthee，ereagainill—usingme。
ArtthouawareOfnothingthereWhichmightabusethee，asthouartabusingme？
AbrainthatmournsTHINEunredeemedrascality？
AsoulthatweepsatTHYthreadbaremorality？
BothgrievingthatTHEIRindividualityIsmergedinthine？
Ballad：THEGHOST，THEGALLANT，THEGAEL，ANDTHEGOBLIN。
O’ERunreclaimedsuburbanclaysSomeyearsagowerehobblin’
Anelderlyghostofeasyways，Andaninfluentialgoblin。
Theghostwasasombrespectralshape，Afineoldfive—actfogy，Thegoblinimp，alitheyoungape，Afinelow—comedybogy。
Andastheyexercisedtheirjoints，Promotingquickdigestion，Theytalkedonseveralcuriouspoints，Andraisedthisdelicatequestion：
\"WhichofustwoisNumberOne—
Theghostie，orthegoblin？\"
Ando’erthepointtheyraisedinfunTheyfairlyfella—squabblin’。
They’dbarelyspeak，andeach，infine，Grewmoreandmorereflective：
EachthoughthisownparticularlineBychalksthemoreeffective。
AtlengththeysettledsomeoneshouldByeachofthembehaunted，AndsoarrangethateithercouldExerthisprowessvaunted。
\"TheQuaintagainsttheStatuesque\"—
Bycompetitionlawful—
ThegoblinbackedtheQuaintGrotesque，TheghosttheGrandlyAwful。
\"Now，\"saidthegoblin，\"here’smyplan—
Inattitudecommanding，IseeastalwartEnglishmanByyondertailor’sstanding。
\"TheveryfittestmanonearthMyinfluencetotryon—
Ofgentle，p’r’apsofnoblebirth，Anddauntlessasalion!
Nowwrapyourselfwithinyourshroud—
Remainineasyhearing—
Observe—you’llhearhimscreamaloudWhenIbeginappearing!
Theimpwithyellunearthly—wild—
Threwoffhisdarkenclosure：
HisdauntlessvictimlookedandsmiledWithsingularcomposure。
Forhourshetriedtodaunttheyouth，Fordays，indeed，butvainly—
Thestriplingsmiled!—totellthetruth，Thestriplingsmiledinanely。
Forweeksthegoblinweirdandwild，Thatnoblestriplinghaunted；
Forweeksthestriplingstoodandsmiled，Unmovedandallundaunted。
Thesombreghostexclaimed，\"YourplanHasfailedyou，goblin，plainly：
NowwatchyonhardyHielandman，Sostalwartandungainly。
\"Thesearethemenwhochasetheroe，Whosefootstepsneverfalter，Whobringwiththem，where’ertheygo，AsmackofoldSIRWALTER。
Ofsuchashe，themensublimeWholeadtheirtroopsvictorious，Whosedeedsgodowntoafter—time，Enshrinedinannalsglorious!
\"Ofsuchashethebardhassaid’Hechthrawfu’raltierorkie!
Wi’thechtta’croonieclapperheadAndfash’wi’uncopawkie!’
He’llfaintawaywhenIappear，Uponhisnativeheather；
Orp’r’apshe’llonlyscreamwithfear，Orp’r’apsthetwotogether。\"
Thespectreshowedhimself，alone，Todohisghostlybattling，Withcurdlinggroananddismalmoan，Andlotsofchainsa—rattling!
Butno—thechiel’sstoutGaelicstuffWithstoodallghostlyharrying；
HisfingerscloseduponthesnuffWhichupwardshewascarrying。
Fordaysthatghostdeclinedtostir，Afoggyshapelessgiant—
ForweeksthatsplendidofficerStaredbackagaindefiant。
JustastheEnglishmanreturnedThegoblin’svulgarstaring，JustsotheScotchmanboldlyspurnedTheghost’sunmanneredscaring。
ForseveralyearstheghostlytwainTheseBritonsboldhavehaunted，Butalltheireffortsareinvain—
Theirvictimsstandundaunted。
Thisverydaytheimp，andghost，Whosepowerstheimpderided，Standeachathisallottedpost—
Thebetisundecided。
Ballad：THEPHANTOMCURATE。AFABLE。
ABISHOPonce—Iwillnotnamehissee—
Annoyedhisclergyinthemodeconventional；
Frompulpitshacklesneversetthemfree，Andfoundasinwheresinwasunintentional。
Allpleasuresendedinabuseauricular—
TheBishopwassoterriblyparticular。
Though，onthewhole，awiseanduprightman，Hesoughttomakeofhumanpleasuresclearances；
Andformhispriestsonthatmuch—laudedplanWhichpaysundueattentiontoappearances。
Hecouldn’tdogooddeedswithoutapsalmin’em，Although，intruth，heboreawaythepalmin’em。
Enragedtofindadeaconatadance，Orcatchacurateatsomemildfrivolity，HesoughtbyopencensuretoenhanceTheirdreadofjoiningharmlesssocialjollity。
Yetheenjoyed（afactofnotoriety）
Theordinarypleasuresofsociety。
Oneevening，sittingatapantomime（Forbiddentreattothosewhostoodinfearofhim），Roaringatjokes，SANSmetre，sense，orrhyme，Heturned，andsawimmediatelyinrearofhim，Hispeaceofmindupsetting，andannoyingit，Acurate，alsoheartilyenjoyingit。
Again，’twasChristmasEve，andtoenhanceHischildren’spleasureintheirharmlessrollicking，He，likeagoodoldfellow，stoodtodance；
Whensomethingcheckedthecurrentofhisfrolicking：
Thatcurate，withamaidhetreatedlover—ly，Stoodupandfiguredwithhiminthe\"Coverley!\"
Once，yieldingtoanuniversalchoice（Thecompany’sdemandwasanemphaticone，FortheoldBishophadagloriousvoice），Inaquartethejoined—anoperaticone。
Harmlessenough，thoughne’erawordofgraceinit，When，lo!thatcuratecameandtookthebassinit!
Oneday，whenpassingthroughaquietstreet，HestoppedawhileandjoinedaPunch’sgathering；
Andchuckledmorethansolemnfolkthinkmeet，ToseethatgentlemanhisJudylathering；
Andheard，asPunchwasbeingtreatedpenalty，Thatphantomcuratelaughingallhyaenally。
Nowatapicnic，’midfairgoldencurls，Brighteyes，strawhats，BOTTINESthatfitamazingly，Acroquet—boutisplannedbyallthegirls；
Andhe，consenting，speaksofcroquetpraisingly；
Butsuddenlydeclinestoplayatallinit—
Thecuratefiendhascometotakeaballinit!
Next，whenatquietsea—sidevillage，freedFromcaresepiscopalandtiesmonarchical，Hegrowshisbeard，andsmokeshisfragrantweed，Inmanneranythingbuthierarchical—
Hesees—andfixesanunearthlystareonit—
Thatcurate’sface，withhalfayardofhaironit!
Atlengthhegaveacharge，andspakethisword：
\"Vicars，yourcuratestoenjoymenturgeyemay；
Tochecktheirharmlesspleasuring’sabsurd；
Whatlaymendowithoutreproach，myclergymay。\"
Hespake，andlo!atthisconcludingwordofhim，Thecuratevanished—noonesincehasheardofhim。
Ballad：KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO。
KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO
Wasaman—eatingAfricanswell；
Hissighwasahullaballoo，Hiswhisperahorribleyell—
Ahorrible，horribleyell!
Foursubjects，andallofthemmale，ToBORRIAdoubledtheknee，Theywereonceonafarlargerscale，Buthe’deatenthebalance，yousee（\"Scale\"and\"balance\"ispunning，yousee）。
TherewashaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH，TherewaslumberingDOODLE—DUM—DEY，DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH，AndgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH—
ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH。
Onedaytherewasgriefinthecrew，Fortheyhadn’tamorselofmeat，AndBORRIABUNGALEEBOO
Wasdyingforsomethingtoeat—
\"Come，providemewithsomethingtoeat!
\"ALACK—A—DEY，famishedIfeel；
Oh，goodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH，WhereonearthshallIlookforameal？
ForIhaven’tnodinnerto—day!—
Notamorselofdinnerto—day!
\"DearTOOTLE—TUM，whatshallwedo？
Come，getusameal，or，intruth，Ifyoudon’t，weshallhavetoeatyou，Oh，adorablefriendofouryouth!
Thoubelovedlittlefriendofouryouth!\"
Andheanswered，\"Oh，BUNGALEEBOO，ForamomentIhopeyouwillwait，—
TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO
IstheQueenofaneighbouringstate—
Aremarkablyneighbouringstate。
\"TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO，Shewouldpickledeliciouslycold—
AndherfourprettyAmazons，too，Areenticing，andnotveryold—
Twenty—sevenisnotveryold。
\"ThereisneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH，ThereisrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH，ThereisjocularWAGGETY—WEH，ThereismusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH—
There’sthenightingaleDOH—REH—MI—FAH!\"
SotheforcesofBUNGALEEBOO
Marchedforthinaterriblerow，AndtheladieswhofoughtforQUEENLOO
Preparedtoencounterthefoe—
Thisdreadful，insatiatefoe!
Buttheysharpenednoweaponsatall，Andtheypoisonednoarrows—notthey!
TheymadereadytoconquerorfallInatotallydifferentway—
Anentirelydifferentway。
Withacrimsonandpearly—whitedyeTheyendeavouredtomakethemselvesfair，Withblacktheyencircledeacheye，Andwithyellowtheypaintedtheirhair（Itwaswool，buttheythoughtitwashair）。
Andtheforcestheymetinthefield：—
AndthemenofKINGBORRIAsaid，\"Amazonians，immediatelyyield!\"
Andtheirarrowstheydrewtothehead—
Yes，drewthemrightuptothehead。
ButjocularWAGGETY—WEH
OgledDOODLE—DUM—DEY（whichwaswrong），AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH
Said，\"TOOTLE—TUM，yougoalong!
Younaughtyolddear，goalong!\"
AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH
TappedALACK—A—DEY—AHwithherfan；
AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH
Said，\"PISH，goaway，youbadman!
Goaway，youdelightfulyoungman!\"
AndtheAmazonssimperedandsighed，Andtheyogled，andgiggled，andflushed，Andtheyopenedtheirprettyeyeswide，Andtheychuckled，andflirted，andblushed（Atleast，iftheycould，they’dhaveblushed）。
ButhaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH
Said，\"ALACK—A—DEY，whatdoesthismean？\"
AnddespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH
Said，\"Theythinkusuncommonlygreen!
Ha!ha!mostuncommonlygreen!\"
EvenblunderingDOODLE—DUM—DEY
Wasinsensiblequitetotheirleers，AndsaidgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH，\"It’syourbloodwedesire，prettydears—
Wehavecomeforourdinners，mydears!\"
AndtheQueenoftheAmazonsfellToBORRIABUNGALEEBOO，—
Inamouthfulhegulped，withayell，TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO—
TheprettyQUEENTOL—THE—ROL—LOO。
AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH
WaseatenbyPISH—POOH—BAH，Andlight—heartedWAGGETY—WEH
BydismalALACK—A—DEY—AH—
DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH。
AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH
WaseatenbyDOODLE—DUM—DEY，AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH
BygoodlittleTOOTLE—DUM—TEH—
ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH!
Ballad：BOBPOLTER。
BOBPOLTERwasanavvy，andHishandswerecoarse，anddirtytoo，Hishomelyfacewasroughandtanned，Histimeoflifewasthirty—two。
Helivedamongaworkingclan（Awifehehadn’tgotatall），Adecent，steady，soberman—
Nosaint，however—notatall。
Hesmoked，butinamodestway，Becausehethoughtheneededit；
Hedrankapotofbeeraday，Andsometimesheexceededit。
Attimeshe’dpasswithothermenAloudconvivialnightortwo，With，verylikely，nowandthen，OnSaturdays，afightortwo。
Butstillhewasasobersoul，Alabour—never—shirkingman，Whopaidhisway—uponthewholeAdecentEnglishworkingman。
Oneday，whenattheNelson’sHead（Forwhichhemaybeblamedofyou），Aholymanappeared，andsaid，\"Oh，ROBERT，I’mashamedofyou。\"
HelaidhishandonROBERT’SbeerBeforehecoulddrinkupany，Andonthefloor，withsighandtear，Hepouredthepotof\"thruppenny。\"
\"Oh，ROBERT，atthisverybarAtruthyou’llbediscovering，AgoodandevilgeniusareAroundyournoddlehovering。
\"TheybothareheretobidyoushunTheotherone’ssociety，ForTotalAbstinenceisone，Theother，Inebriety。\"
Hewavedhishand—avapourcame—
AwizardPOLTERreckonedhim；
Abogyroseandcalledhisname，Andwithhisfingerbeckonedhim。
Themonster’ssalientpointstosum，—
Hisheavybreathwasportery：
Hisglowingnosesuggestedrum：
Hiseyesweregin—and—WORtery。
Hisdresswastorn—fordregsofaleAndslopsofginhadrustedit；
Hispimpledfacewaswanandpale，Wherefilthhadnotencrustedit。