\"Come,POLTER,\"saidthefiend,\"begin,Andkeepthebowla—flowingon—
AworkingmanneedspintsofginTokeephisclockworkgoingon。\"
BOBshuddered:\"Ah,you’vemadeamissIfyoutakemeforoneofyou:
Youfilthybeast,getoutofthis—
BOBPOLTERdon’twan’tnoneofyou。\"
Thedemongaveadrunkenshriek,Andcreptawayinstealthiness,Andlo!instead,apersonsleek,Whoseemedtoburstwithhealthiness。
\"Inme,asyouradviserhints,OfAbstinenceyou’vegotatype—
OfMR。TWEEDIE’SprettyprintsIamthehappyprototype。
\"Ifyouabjurethesocialtoast,Andpipes,andsuchfrivolities,YoupossiblysomedaymayboastMyprepossessingqualities!\"
BOBrubbedhiseyes,andmade’emblink:
\"Youalmostmakemetremble,you!
IfIabjurefermenteddrink,ShallI,indeed,resembleyou?
\"Andwillmywhiskerscurlsotight?
Mycheeksgrowsmugandmuttony?
Myfacebecomesoredandwhite?
Mycoatsoblueandbuttony?
\"Willtrousers,suchasyours,arrayExtremitiesinferior?
WillchubbinessassertitsswayAllovermyexterior?
\"Inthis,myunenlightenedstate,ToworkinheavybootsIcomes;
WillpumpshenceforwarddecorateMytiddletoddletootsicums?
\"AndshallIgetsoplumpandfresh,Andlooknolongerseedily?
MyskinwillhenceforthfitmyfleshSotightlyandsoTWEEDIE—ly?\"
Thephantomsaid,\"You’llhaveallthis,You’llknownokindofhuffiness,Yourlifewillbeonechubbybliss,Onelongunruffledpuffiness!\"
\"Beoff!\"saidirritatedBOB。
\"Whycomeyouheretobotherone?
Youpharisaicaloldsnob,You’rewussalmostthant’otherone!
\"Itakesmypipe—Itakesmypot,AnddrunkI’mneverseentobe:
I’mnoteetotallerorsot,AndasIamImeantobe!\"
Ballad:THESTORYOFPRINCEAGIB。
STRIKEtheconcertina’smelancholystring!
Blowthespirit—stirringharplikeanything!
Letthepiano’smartialblastRousetheEchoesofthePast,ForofAGIB,PRINCEOFTARTARY,Ising!
OfAGIB,who,amidTartaricscenes,Wrotealotofballetmusicinhisteens:
HisgentlespiritrollsInthemelodyofsouls—
Whichispretty,butIdon’tknowwhatitmeans。
OfAGIB,whocouldreadily,atsight,StrumamarchupontheloudTheodolite。
HewoulddiligentlyplayOntheZoetropeallday,AndblowthegayPantechniconallnight。
Onewinter—Iamshakyinmydates—
CametwostarvingTartarminstrelstohisgates;
Oh,ALLAHbeobeyed,Howinfernallytheyplayed!
Irememberthattheycalledthemselvesthe\"O乤its。\"
Oh!thatdayofsorrow,misery,andrage,IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge,PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind,Whenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspage!
Alas!PRINCEAGIBwentandaskedthemin;
Gavethembeer,andeggs,andsweets,andscent,andtin。
Andwhen(assnobswouldsay)
Theyhad\"putitallaway,\"
Herequestedthemtotuneupandbegin。
Thoughitsicyhorrorchillyoutothecore,IwilltellyouwhatInevertoldbefore,—
TheconsequencestrueOfthatawfulinterview,FORILISTENEDATTHEKEYHOLEINTHEDOOR!
Theyplayedhimasonata—letmesee!
\"MEDULLAOBLONGATA\"—keyofG。
ThentheybegantosingThatextremelylovelything,SCHERZANDO!MANONTROPPO,PPP。\"
Hegavethemmoney,morethantheycouldcount,Scentfromamostingeniouslittlefount,Morebeer,inlittlekegs,Manydozenhard—boiledeggs,Andgoodiestoafabulousamount。
Nowfollowsthedimhorrorofmytale,AndIfeelI’mgrowinggraduallypale,For,evenatthisday,Thoughitsstinghaspassedaway,WhenIventuretorememberit,Iquail!
Theelderofthebrothersgaveasqueal,All—overishitmademefortofeel;
\"Oh,PRINCE,\"hesays,sayshe,\"IFAPRINCEINDEEDYOUBE,I’veamysteryI’mgoingtoreveal!
\"Oh,listen,ifyou’dshunahorriddeath,Towhatthegentwho’sspeakingtoyousaith:
No’O乤its’intrutharewe,Asyoufancythatwebe,For(ter—remble!)IamALECK—thisisBETH!\"
SaidAGIB,\"Oh!accursedofyourkind,Ihaveheardthatyearemenofevilmind!\"
BETHgaveadreadfulshriek—
Butbeforehe’dtimetospeakIwasmercilesslycollaredfrombehind。
Innumbertenortwelve,orevenmore,Theyfastenedmefulllengthuponthefloor。
Onmyfaceextendedflat,IwaswallopedwithacatForlisteningatthekeyholeofadoor。
Oh!thehorrorofthatagonizingthrill!
(Icanfeeltheplaceinfrostyweatherstill)。
ForaweekfromtentofourIwasfastenedtothefloor,WhileamercenarywoppedmewithawillTheybrandedmeandbrokemeonawheel,Andtheyleftmeinanhospitaltoheal;
And,uponmysolemnword,IhaveneverneverheardWhatthoseTartarshaddeterminedtoreveal。
Butthatdayofsorrow,misery,andrage,IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge,PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind,WhenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspageBallad:ELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN
Wasthesonofanelderlylabouringman;
You’veguessedhimaScotchman,shrewdreader,atsight,Andp’r’apsaltogether,shrewdreader,you’reright。
FromthebonnieblueForthtothelovelyDeeside,RoundbyDingwallandWrathtothemouthoftheClyde,Therewasn’tachildorawomanormanWhocouldpipewithCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN。
Noothercouldwakesuchdetestablegroans,Withreedandwithchaunter—withbagandwithdrones:
AlldayandillnighthedelightedthechielsWithsniggeringpibrochsandjiggetyreels。
He’dclamberamountainandsquatontheground,AndtheneighbouringmaidenswouldgatheraroundTolisttothepipesandtogazeinhiseen,EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
AlllovedtheirMcCLAN,saveaSassenachbrute,WhocametotheHighlandstofishandtoshoot;
HedressedhimselfupinaHighlanderway,Tho’hisnameitwasPATTISONCORBYTORBAY。
TORBAYhadincurredagooddealofexpenseTomakehimaScotchmanineverysense;
Butthisisamatter,you’llreadilyown,Thatisn’taquestionoftailorsalone。
ASassenachchiefmaybebonilybuilt,Hemaypurchaseasporran,abonnet,andkilt;
Stickaske刵inhishose—wearanacreofstripes—
Buthecannotassumeanaffectionforpipes。
CLONGLOCKETY’SpipingsallnightandalldayQuitefrenziedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY;
Thegirlswereamusedathissingularspleen,EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN,\"MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUS,mylad,Withpibrochsandreelsyouaredrivingmemad。
Ifyoureallymustplayonthatcursedaffair,Mygoodness!playsomethingresemblinganair。\"
BoiledoverthebloodofMACPHAIRSONMcCLAN—
TheClanofClonglockettyroseasoneman;
Forallwereenragedattheinsult,Iween—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
\"Let’sshow,\"saidMcCLAN,\"tothisSassenachloonThatthebagpipesCANplayhimaregulartune。
Let’ssee,\"saidMcCLAN,ashethoughtfullysat,\"’INMYCOTTAGE’iseasy—I’llpractiseatthat。\"
Heblewathis\"Cottage,\"andblewwithawill,Forayear,sevenmonths,andafortnight,until(You’llhardlybelieveit)McCLAN,Ideclare,Elicitedsomethingresemblinganair。
Itwaswild—itwasfitful—aswildasthebreeze—
Itwanderedaboutintoseveralkeys;
Itwasjerky,spasmodic,andharsh,I’maware;
Butstillitdistinctlysuggestedanair。
TheSassenachscreamed,andtheSassenachdanced;
Heshriekedinhisagony—bellowedandpranced;
Andthemaidenswhogatheredrejoicedatthescene—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
\"Hechgather,hechgather,hechgatheraround;
Andfilla’yelugswi’theexquisitesound。
Anairfra’thebagpipes—beatthatifyecan!
HurrahforCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN!\"
Thefameofhispipingspreadovertheland:
Respectablewidowsproposedforhishand,Andmaidenscameflockingtositonthegreen—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
OnemorningthefidgetySassenachsworeHe’dstanditnolonger—hedrewhisclaymore,And(thiswas,Ithink,inextremelybadtaste)
DividedCLONGLOCKETTYclosetothewaist。
Oh!loudwerethewailingsforANGUSMcCLAN,Oh!deepwasthegriefforthatexcellentman;
Themaidsstoodaghastatthehorriblescene—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
ItsorrowedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY
Tofindthem\"takeon\"inthisseriousway;
Hepitiedthepoorlittleflutteringbirds,Andsolacedtheirsoulswiththefollowingwords:
\"Oh,maidens,\"saidPATTISON,touchinghishat,\"Don’tblubber,mydears,forafellowlikethat;
Observe,I’maverysuperiorman,AmuchbetterfellowthanANGUSMcCLAN。\"
Theysmiledwhenhewinkedandaddressedthemas\"dears,\"
Andtheyallofthemvowed,astheydrieduptheirtears,Apleasantergentlemanneverwasseen—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
Ballad:PETERTHEWAG。
POLICEMANPETERFORTHIdragFromhisobscureretreat:
Hewasamerrygenialwag,Wholovedamadconceit。
Ifhewereaskedthetimeofday,Bycountrybumpkinsgreen,Henotunfrequentlywouldsay,\"Aquarterpastthirteen。\"
IfeveryoubywordofmouthInquiredofMISTERFORTH
ThewaytosomewhereintheSouth,HealwayssentyouNorth。
WithlittleboyshisbeatalongHelovedtostopandplay;
Helovedtosendoldladieswrong,Andteachtheirfeettostray。
Hewouldinfrolicmoments,whenSuchmischiefbentupon,TakeBishopsupasbettingmen—
BidMinistersmoveon。
ThenalltheworthyboysheknewHeregularlylicked,AndalwayscollaredpeoplewhoHadhadtheirpocketspicked。
Hewasnotnaturallybad,Orviciouslyinclined,ButfromhisearlyyouthhehadAwaggishturnofmind。
TheMenofLondongrimlyscowledWithindignationwild;
TheMenofLondongrufflygrowled,ButPETERcalmlysmiled。
AgainstthisminionoftheCrownTheswellingmurmursgrew—
FromCamberwelltoKentishTown—
FromRotherhithetoKew。
Stillhumouredhehiswagsometurn,AndfedinvariouswaysThecowardragethatdaredtoburn,Butdidnotdaretoblaze。
Still,Retributionhasherday,Althoughherflightisslow:
ONEDAYTHATCRUSHERLOSTHISWAY
NEARPOLANDSTREET,SOHO。
Thehaughtyboy,tooproudtoask,Tofindhiswayresolved,AndinthetangleofhistaskGotmoreandmoreinvolved。
TheMenofLondon,overjoyed,Cametheretojeertheirfoe,AndflockingcrowdscompletelycloyedThemazesofSoho。
ThenewsontelegraphicwiresSpedswiftlyo’erthelea,ExcursiontrainsfromdistantshiresBroughtmyriadstosee。
Forweekshetrodhisself—madebeatsThroughNewport—Gerrard—Bear—
Greek—Rupert—Frith—Dean—Poland—Streets,AndintoGoldenSquare。
Butall,alas!invain,forwhenHetriedtolearnthewayOflittleboysorgrown—upmen,Theynoneofthemwouldsay。
Theireyeswouldflash—theirteethwouldgrind—
Theirlipswouldtightlycurl—
They’dsay,\"Thywaythyselfmustfind,Thoumisdirectingchurl!\"
And,similarly,also,whenHetriedaforeignfriend;
Italiansanswered,\"ILBALEN\"—
TheFrench,\"Nocomprehend。\"
TheRusswouldsaywithgleamingeye\"Sevastopol!\"andgroan。
TheGreeksaid,[GREEKTEXTWHICHCANNOT
BEREPRODUCED]。\"
TowanderthusformanyayearThatCrusherneverceased—
TheMenofLondondroppedatear,TheirangerwasappeasedAtlengthexploringgangsweresentTofindpoorFORTH’Sremains—
AhandsomegrantbyParliamentWasvotedfortheirpains。
ToseekthepoorpolicemanoutBoldspiritsvolunteered,Andwhentheysworethey’dsolvethedoubt,TheMenofLondoncheered。
Andinayard,dark,dank,anddrear,Theyfoundhim,onthefloor—
ItleadsfromRichmondBuildings—nearTheRoyaltystage—door。
WithbrandycoldandbrandyhotTheypliedhim,starvedandwet,Andmadehimsergeantonthespot—
TheMenofLondon’spet!
Ballad:TOTHETERRESTRIALGLOBE。BYAMISERABLEWRETCH。
ROLLon,thouball,rollon!
ThroughpathlessrealmsofSpaceRollon!
WhatthoughI’minasorrycase?
WhatthoughIcannotmeetmybills?
WhatthoughIsuffertoothache’sills?
WhatthoughIswallowcountlesspills?
NeverYOUmind!
Rollon!
Rollon,thouball,rollon!
ThroughseasofinkyairRollon!
It’strueI’vegotnoshirtstowear;
It’struemybutcher’sbillisdue;
It’struemyprospectsalllookblue—
Butdon’tletthatunsettleyou!
NeverYOUmind!
Rollon!
[ITROLLSON。
Ballad:GENTLEALICEBROWN。
ITwasarobber’sdaughter,andhernamewasALICEBROWN,HerfatherwastheterrorofasmallItaliantown;
Hermotherwasafoolish,weak,butamiableoldthing;
Butitisn’tofherparentsthatI’mgoingfortosing。
AsALICEwasa—sittingatherwindow—silloneday,Abeautifulyounggentlemanhechancedtopassthatway;
Shecasthereyesuponhim,andhelookedsogoodandtrue,Thatshethought,\"Icouldbehappywithagentlemanlikeyou!\"
Andeverymorningpassedherhousethatcreamofgentlemen,Sheknewshemightexpecthimataquarteruntoten;
AsorterintheCustom—house,itwashisdailyroad(TheCustom—housewasfifteenminutes’walkfromherabode)。
ButALICEwasapiousgirl,whoknewitwasn’twiseTolookatstrangeyoungsorterswithexpressivepurpleeyes;
Soshesoughtthevillagepriesttowhomherfamilyconfessed,Thepriestbywhomtheirlittlesinswerecarefullyassessed。
\"Oh,holyfather,\"ALICEsaid,\"’twouldgrieveyou,woulditnot,TodiscoverthatIwasamostdisreputablelot?
OfallunhappysinnersI’mthemostunhappyone!\"
Thepadresaid,\"Whateverhaveyoubeenandgoneanddone?\"
\"Ihavehelpedmammatostealalittlekiddyfromitsdad,I’veassisteddearpapaincuttingupalittlelad,I’veplannedalittleburglaryandforgedalittlecheque,Andslainalittlebabyforthecoralonitsneck!\"
Theworthypastorheavedasigh,anddroppedasilenttear,Andsaid,\"Youmustn’tjudgeyourselftooheavily,mydear:
It’swrongtomurderbabies,littlecoralsfortofleece;
Butsinsliketheseoneexpiatesathalf—a—crownapiece。
\"Girlswillbegirls—you’reveryyoung,andflightyinyourmind;
Oldheadsuponyoungshoulderswemustnotexpecttofind:
Wemustn’tbetoohardupontheselittlegirlishtricks—
Let’ssee—fivecrimesathalf—a—crown—exactlytwelve—and—six。\"
\"Oh,father,\"littleAlicecried,\"yourkindnessmakesmeweep,Youdotheselittlethingsformesosingularlycheap—
YourthoughtfulliberalityInevercanforget;
But,oh!thereisanothercrimeIhaven’tmentionedyet!
\"Apleasant—lookinggentleman,withprettypurpleeyes,I’venoticedatmywindow,asI’vesata—catchingflies;
Hepassesbyiteverydayascertainascanbe—
IblushtosayI’vewinkedathim,andhehaswinkedatme!\"
\"Forshame!\"saidFATHERPAUL,\"myerringdaughter!OnmywordThisisthemostdistressingnewsthatIhaveeverheard。
Why,naughtygirl,yourexcellentpapahaspledgedyourhandToapromisingyoungrobber,thelieutenantofhisband!
\"Thisdreadfulpieceofnewswillpainyourworthyparentsso!
TheyarethemostremunerativecustomersIknow;
Formanymanyyearsthey’vekeptstarvationfrommydoors:
Ineverknewsocriminalafamilyasyours!
\"ThecommoncountryfolkinthisinsipidneighbourhoodHavenothingtoconfess,they’resoridiculouslygood;
Andifyoumarryanyonerespectableatall,Why,you’llreform,andwhatwillthenbecomeofFATHERPAUL?\"
Theworthypriest,heupanddrewhiscowluponhiscrown,AndstartedoffinhastetotellthenewstoROBBERBROWN—
Totellhimhowhisdaughter,whowasnowformarriagefit,Hadwinkeduponasorter,whoreciprocatedit。
GoodROBBERBROWNhemuffleduphisangerprettywell:
Hesaid,\"Ihaveanotion,andthatnotionIwilltell;
Iwillnabthisgayyoungsorter,terrifyhimintofits,Andgetmygentlewifetochophimintolittlebits。
\"I’vestudiedhumannature,andIknowathingortwo:
Thoughagirlmayfondlylovealivinggent,asmanydo—
AfeelingofdisgustuponhersensestherewillfallWhenshelooksuponhisbodychoppedparticularlysmall。\"
Hetracedthatgallantsortertoastillsuburbansquare;
Hewatchedhisopportunity,andseizedhimunaware;
Hetookalife—preserverandhehithimonthehead,AndMRS。BROWNdissectedhimbeforeshewenttobed。
AndprettylittleALICEgrewmoresettledinhermind,Shenevermorewasguiltyofaweaknessofthekind,UntilatlengthgoodROBBERBROWNbestowedherprettyhandOnthepromisingyoungrobber,thelieutenantofhisband。
Ballad:MISTERWILLIAM。
OH,listentothetaleofMISTERWILLIAM,ifyouplease,Whomnaughty,naughtyjudgessentawaybeyondtheseas。
Heforgedaparty’swill,whichcausedanxietyandstrife,Resultinginhisgettingpenalservitudeforlife。
Hewasakindlygoodlyman,andnaturallyprone,Insteadoftakingothers’gold,togiveawayhisown。
ButhehadheardofVice,andlongedforonlyoncetostrike—
ToplanONElittlewickedness—toseewhatitwaslike。
Hearguedwithhimself,andsaid,\"AspotlessmanamI;
Ican’tbemorerespectable,howeverhardItry!
ForsixandthirtyyearsI’vealwaysbeenasgoodasgold,AndnowforhalfanhourI’llplaninfamyuntold!
\"Ababywhoiswickedattheearlyageofone,Andthenreforms—anddiesatthirty—sixaspotlessson,Isnever,neversaddledwithhisbabyhood’sdefect,Butearnsfromworthymenconsiderationandrespect。
\"SoonewhoneverrevelledindiscreditabletricksUntilhereachedthecomfortableageofthirty—six,Maythenforhalfanhourperpetrateadeedofshame,Withoutincurringpermanentdisgrace,orevenblame。
\"Thatbabiesdon’tcommitsuchcrimesasforgeryistrue,Butlittlesinsdevelop,ifyouleave’emtoaccrue;
Andhewhoshunsallvicesassuccessiveseasonsroll,Shouldreapatlengththebenefitofsomuchself—control。
\"Thecommonsinofbabyhood—objectingtobedrest—
Ifyouleaveittoaccumulateatcompoundinterest,Foranythingyouknow,mayrepresent,ifyou’realive,Aburglaryormurderattheageofthirty—five。
\"Still,Iwouldn’ttakeadvantageofthisfact,butbecontentWithsomepardonablefolly—it’samereexperiment。
Thegreaterthetemptationtogowrong,thelessthesin;
Sowithsomethingthat’sparticularlytemptingI’llbegin。
\"Iwouldnotstealapenny,formyincome’sveryfair—
Idonotwantapenny—Ihavepenniesandtospare—
AndifIstoleapennyfromamoney—bagortill,Thesinwouldbeenormous—thetemptationbeingNIL。
\"ButifIbrokeasunderallsuchpettifoggingbounds,Andforgedaparty’sWillfor(say)FiveHundredThousandPounds,Withsuchanirresistibletemptationtoahaul,Ofcoursethesinmustbeinfinitesimallysmall。
\"There’sWILSONwhoisdying—hehaswealthfromStockandrent—
IfIdiverthisrichesfromtheirnaturaldescent,I’mplacedinapositiontoindulgeeachlittlewhim。\"
Sohedivertedthem—andthey,inturn,divertedhim。
Unfortunately,though,bysomeunpardonableflaw,Temptationisn’trecognizedbyBritain’sCommonLaw;
Menfoundhimoutbysomepeculiarityoftouch,AndWILLIAMgota\"lifer,\"whichannoyedhimverymuch。
For,ah!heneverreconciledhimselftolifeingaol,Hefrettedandhepined,andgrewdispiritedandpale;
Hewasnumberedlikeacabman,too,whichtolduponhimsoThathisspirits,oncesobuoyant,grewuncomfortablylow。
Andsympatheticgaolerswouldremark,\"It’sverytrue,Heain’tbeenbroughtupcommon,likethelikesofmeandyou。\"
Sotheytookhimintohospital,andgavehimmuttonchops,Andchocolate,andarrowroot,andbuns,andmaltandhops。
KindClergymen,besides,grewinterestedinhisfate,Affectedbythedetailsofhispitiablestate。
TheywaitedontheSecretary,somewhereinWhitehall,Whosaidhewouldreceivethemanydaytheylikedtocall。
\"Consider,sir,thehardshipofthisinterestingcase:
Aprisonlifebringswithitsomethingverylikedisgrace;
It’stellingonyoungWILLIAM,who’sreducedtoskinandbone—
Rememberhe’sagentleman,withmoneyofhisown。
\"Hehadanampleincome,andofcoursehestandsinneedOfsherrywithhisdinner,andhiscustomaryweed;
Nodelicaciesnowcanpasshisgentlemanlylips—
Hemisseshissea—bathingandhiscontinentaltrips。
\"Hesaystheotherprisonersarecommonplaceandrude;
Hesayshecannotrelishuncongenialprisonfood。
WhenquiteaboytheytaughthimtodistinguishGoodfromBad,Andothereducationaladvantageshe’shad。
\"Aburglarorgarotter,or,indeed,acommonthiefIsverygladtobattenonpotatoesandonbeef,Oranything,inshort,thatprisonkitchenscanafford,—
Acutabovethedietinacommonworkhouseward。
\"Butbeefandmutton—brothdon’tseemtosuitourWILLIAM’Swhim,Aboontootherprisoners—apunishmenttohim。
ItneverwasintendedthatthedisciplineofgaolShoulddashaconvict’sspirits,sir,ormakehimthinorpale。\"
\"GoodGraciousMe!\"thatsympatheticSecretarycried,\"SupposeinprisonfettersMISTERWILLIAMshouldhavedied!
Dearme,ofcourse!ImprisonmentforLIFEhissentencesaith:
I’mverygladyoumentionedit—itmighthavebeenForDeath!
\"Releasehimwithaticket—he’llbebetterthen,nodoubt,AndtellhimIapologize。\"SoMISTERWILLIAM’Sout。
Ihopehewillbecarefulinhismanuscripts,I’msure,Andnotbeginexperimentalizinganymore。
Ballad:THEBUMBOATWOMAN’SSTORY。
I’Mold,mydears,andshrivelledwithage,andwork,andgrief,Myeyesaregone,andmyteethhavebeendrawnbyTime,theThief!
ForterriblesightsI’veseen,anddangersgreatI’verun—
I’mnearlyseventynow,andmyworkisalmostdone!
Ah!I’vebeenyounginmytime,andI’veplayedthedeucewithmen!
I’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen:
Mycheeksweremellowandsoft,andmyeyeswerelargeandsweet,POLLPINEAPPLE’SeyeswerethestandingtoastoftheRoyalFleet!
AbumboatwomanwasI,andIfaithfullyservedtheshipsWithapplesandcakes,andfowls,andbeer,andhalfpennydips,Andbeefforthegenerousmess,wheretheofficersdineatnights,Andfinefreshpeppermintdropsfortherollickingmidshipmites。
OfallthekindcommanderswhoanchoredinPortsmouthBay,ByfarthesweetestofallwaskindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。’
LIEUTENANTBELAYEcommandedthegunboatHOTCROSSBUN,Shewassevenandthirtyfeetinlength,andshecarriedagun。
Withalaudableviewofenhancinghiscountry’snavalpride,Whenpeopleinquiredhersize,LIEUTENANTBELAYEreplied,\"Oh,myship,myshipisthefirstoftheHundredandSeventy—
ones!\"
Whichmeanthertonnage,butpeopleimagineditmeantherguns。
WheneverIwentonboardhewouldbeckonmedownbelow,\"Comedown,LittleButtercup,come\"(forhelovedtocallmeso),Andhe’dtellofthefightsatseainwhichhe’dtakenapart,AndsoLIEUTENANTBELAYEwonpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Sheart!
Butatlengthhisorderscame,andhesaidoneday,saidhe,\"I’morderedtosailwiththeHOTCROSSBUNtotheGermanSea。\"
AndthePortsmouthmaidensweptwhentheylearnttheevilday,ForeveryPortsmouthmaidlovedgoodLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
AndIwenttoabackbackstreet,withplentyofcheapcheapshops,AndIboughtanoilskinhatandasecond—handsuitofslops,AndIwenttoLIEUTENANTBELAYE(andheneversuspectedME!)
AndIenteredmyselfasachapaswantedtogotosea。
Wesailedthatafternoonatthemystichourofone,—
RemarkablyniceyoungmenwerethecrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN,I’msorrytosaythatI’veheardthatsailorssometimesswear,ButIneveryetheardaBUNsayanythingwrong,Ideclare。
WhenJackTarsmeet,theymeetwitha\"Messmate,ho!Whatcheer?\"
Buthere,ontheHOTCROSSBUN,itwas\"Howdoyoudo,mydear?\"
WhenJackTarsgrowl,IbelievetheygrowlwithabigbigD—
ButthestrongestoathoftheHOTCROSSBUNSwasamild\"Dearme!\"
Yet,thoughtheywereallwell—bred,youcouldscarcelycallthemslick:
Wheneveraseawason,theywereallextremelysick;
Andwhenevertheweatherwascalm,andthewindwaslightandfair,Theyspentmoretimethanasailorshouldonhisbackbackhair。
Theycertainlyshiveredandshookwhenorderedalofttorun,AndtheyscreamedwhenLIEUTENANTBELAYEdischargedhisonlygun。
Andashewasproudofhisgun—suchprideishardlywrong—
TheLieutenantwasblazingawayatintervalsalldaylong。
Theyallagreedverywell,thoughattimesyouhearditsaidThatBILLhadawayofhisownofmakinghislipslookred—
ThatJOElookedquitehisage—orsomebodymightdeclareThatBARNACLE’Slongpig—tailwasneverhisownownhair。
BELAYEwouldadmitthathismenwereofnogreatusetohim,\"But,then,\"hewouldsay,\"thereislittletodoonagunboattrimIcanhand,andreef,andsteer,andfiremybigguntoo—
AnditISsuchatreattosailwithagentlewell—bredcrew。\"
Isawhimeveryday。Howthehappymomentssped!
Reeftopsails!Makealltaut!There’sdirtyweatherahead!
(IdonotmeanthattempeststhreatenedtheHOTCROSSBUN:
InTHATcase,Idon’tknowwhateverweSHOULDhavedone!)
Afterafortnight’scruise,weputintoportoneday,AndoffonleaveforaweekwentkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE,Andafteralonglongweekhadpassed(anditseemedlikealife),LIEUTENANTBELAYEreturnedtohisshipwithafairyoungwife!
Heup,andhesays,sayshe,\"OcrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN,Hereisthewifeofmyheart,fortheChurchhasmadeusone!\"
Andasheutteredtheword,thecrewwentoutoftheirwits,Andallfelldowninsomanyseparatefainting—fits。
Andthentheirhaircamedown,oroff,asthecasemightbe,Andlo!therestofthecrewweresimplegirls,likeme,Whoallhadfledfromtheirhomesinasailor’sbluearray,TofollowtheshiftingfateofkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
********
It’sstrangetothinkthatIshouldeverhavelovedyoungmen,ButI’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen,Andnowmycheeksarefurrowedwithgriefandage,Itrow!
AndpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Seyeshavelosttheirlustrenow!
Ballad:LOSTMR。BLAKE。
MR。BLAKEwasaregularout—and—outhardenedsinner,WhowasquiteoutofthepaleofChristianity,sotospeak,HewasinthehabitofsmokingalongpipeanddrinkingaglassofgrogonaSundayafterdinner,Andseldomthoughtofgoingtochurchmorethantwiceor—ifGoodFridayorChristmasDayhappenedtocomeinit—threetimesaweek。
HewasquiteindifferentastotheparticularkindsofdressesThattheclergymanworeatchurchwhereheusedtogotopray,Andwhateverhedidinthewayofrelievingachap’sdistresses,Healwaysdidinanasty,sneaking,underhanded,hole—and—cornersortofway。
Ihaveknownhimindulgeinprofane,ungentlemanlyemphatics,WhentheProtestantChurchhasbeendividedonthesubjectoftheproperwidthofachasuble’shem;
Ihaveevenknownhimtosneeratalbs—andasfordalmatics,Wordscan’tconveyanideaofthecontemptheexpressedforTHEM。
Hedidn’tbelieveinpersonswho,notbeingwelloffthemselves,areobligedtoconfinetheircharitableexertionstocollectingmoneyfromwealthierpeople,Andlookeduponindividualsoftheformerclassasecclesiasticalhawks;
Heusedtosaythathewouldnomorethinkofinterferingwithhispriest’srobesthanwithhischurchorhissteeple,Andthathedidnotconsiderhissoulimperilledbecausesomebodyoverwhomhehadnoinfluencewhatever,chosetodresshimselfuplikeanexaggeratedGUYFAWKES。
ThisshockingoldvagabondwassounutterablyshamelessThatheactuallywenta—courtingaveryrespectableandpiousmiddle—agedsister,bythenameofBIGGS。
Shewasaratherattractivewidow,whoselifeassuchhadalwaysbeenparticularlyblameless;
Herfirsthusbandhadleftherasecurebutmoderatecompetence,owingtosomefortunatespeculationsinthematteroffigs。
Shewasanexcellentpersonineveryway—andwontherespectevenofMRS。GRUNDY,Shewasagoodhousewife,too,andwouldn’thavewastedapennyifshehadownedtheKoh—i—noor。
ShewasjustasstrictashewaslaxinherobservanceofSunday,Andbeingagoodeconomist,andcharitablebesides,shetookallthebonesandcoldpotatoesandbrokenpie—crustsandcandle—ends(whenshehadquitedonewiththem),andmadethemintoanexcellentsoupforthedeservingpoor。
IamsorrytosaythatsherathertooktoBLAKE—thatoutcastofsociety,Andwhenrespectablebrotherswhowerefondofherbegantolookdubiousandtocough,Shewouldsay,\"Oh,myfriends,it’sbecauseIhopetobringthispoorbenightedsoulbacktovirtueandpropriety,Andbesides,thepoorbenightedsoul,withallhisfaults,wasuncommonlywelloff。
AndwhenMR。BLAKE’Sdissipatedfriendscalledhisattentiontothefrownorthepoutofher,Wheneverhedidanythingwhichappearedtohertosavourofanunmentionableplace,Hewouldsaythat\"shewouldbeaverydecentoldgirlwhenallthatnonsensewasknockedoutofher,\"
Andhismethodofknockingitoutofherisonethatcoveredhimwithdisgrace。
ShewasfondofgoingtochurchservicesfourtimeseverySunday,and,fourorfivetimesintheweek,andneverseemedtopallofthem,Sohehuntedoutallthechurcheswithinaconvenientdistancethathadservicesatdifferenthours,sotospeak;
Andwhenhehadmarriedherhepositivelyinsistedupontheirgoingtoallofthem,SotheycontrivedtodoabouttwelvechurcheseverySunday,and,iftheyhadluck,fromtwenty—twototwenty—threeinthecourseoftheweek。
Shewasfondofdroppinghissovereignsostentatiouslyintotheplate,andshelikedtoseethemstandoutratherconspicuouslyagainstthecommonplacehalf—crownsandshillings,Sohetookhertoallthecharitysermons,andifbyanyextraordinarychancetherewasn’tacharitysermonanywhere,hewoulddropacoupleofsovereigns(oneforhimandoneforher)
intothepoor—boxatthedoor;
Andashealwaysdeductedthesumsthusgivenincharityfromthehousekeepingmoney,andthemoneyheallowedherforherbonnetsandfrillings,Shesoonbegantofindthatevencharity,ifyouallowittointerferewithyourpersonalluxuries,becomesanintolerablebore。
OnSundaysshewasalwaysmelancholyandanythingbutgoodsociety,Forthatdayinherhouseholdwasadayofsighingsandsobbingsandwringingofhandsandshakingofheads:
Shewouldn’thearofabuttonbeingsewnonaglove,becauseitwasaworkneitherofnecessitynorofpiety,Andstrictlyprohibitedherservantsfromamusingthemselves,orindeeddoinganythingatallexceptdustingthedrawing—rooms,cleaningthebootsandshoes,cookingtheparlourdinner,waitinggenerallyonthefamily,andmakingthebeds。
ButBLAKEevenwentfurtherthanthat,andsaidthatpeopleshoulddotheirownworksofnecessity,andnotdelegatethemtopersonsinamenialsituation,Sohewouldn’tallowhisservantstodosomuchasevenanswerabell。
Hereheismakinghiswifecarryupthewaterforherbathtothesecondfloor,muchagainstherinclination,—
AndwhyintheworldthegentlemanwhoillustratestheseballadshasputhiminacockedhatismorethanIcantell。
Afteraboutthreemonthsofthissortofthing,takingthesmoothwiththeroughofit,(Blackingherownbootsandpeelingherownpotatoeswasnothernotionofconnubialbliss),MRS。BLAKEbegantofindthatshehadprettynearlyhadenoughofit,Andcame,incourseoftime,tothinkthatBLAKE’Sownoriginallineofconductwasn’tsomuchamiss。
Andnowthatwickedperson—thatdetestablesinner(\"BELIALBLAKE\"
hisfriendsandwell—wisherscallhimforhisatrocities),Andhispoordeludedvictim,whomallherChristianbrothersdislikeandpityso,GototheparishchurchonlyonSundaymorningandafternoonandoccasionallyonaweek—day,andspendtheireveningsinconnubialfondlingsandaffectionatereciprocities,AndIshouldliketoknowwhereintheworld(orrather,outofit)
theyexpecttogo!
Ballad:THEBABY’SVENGEANCE。
WEARYatheartandextremelyillWasPALEYVOLLAIREofBromptonville,Inadirtylodging,withfeverdown,ClosetothePolygon,SomersTown。
PALEYVOLLAIREwasanonlyson(Forwhy?Hismotherhadhadbutone),AndPALEYinheritedgoldandgroundsWorthseveralhundredthousandpounds。
Buthe,likemanyarichyoungman,Throughthismagnificentfortuneran,AndnothingwasleftforhisdailyneedsButduplicatecopiesofmortgage—deeds。
Shabbyandsorryandsorelysick,Heslept,anddreamtthattheclock’s\"tick,tick,\"
WasoneoftheFates,withalongsharpknife,Snickingoffbitsofhisshortenedlife。
Hewokeandcountedthepipsonthewalls,Theoutdoorpassengers’loudfootfalls,Andreckonedallover,andreckonedagain,Thelittlewhitetuftsonhiscounterpane。
Amedicalmantohisbedsidecame。
(Ican’trememberthatdoctor’sname),Andsaid,\"You’lldieinaveryshortwhileIfyoudon’tsetsailforMadeira’sisle。\"
\"GotoMadeira?goodnessme!
Ihaven’tthemoneytopayyourfee!\"
\"Then,PALEYVOLLAIRE,\"saidtheleech,\"goodbye;
I’llcomenomore,foryour’resuretodie。\"
Hesighedandhegroanedandsmotehisbreast;
\"Oh,send,\"saidhe,\"forFREDERICKWEST,Eresensesfadeormyeyesgrowdim:
I’veaterribletaletowhisperhim!\"
PoorwasFREDERICK’Slotinlife,—
Adustmanhewithafairyoungwife,Aworthymanwithahard—earnedstore,Ahundredandseventypounds—ormore。
FREDERICKcame,andhesaid,\"MaybeYou’llsaywhatyouhappenedtowantwithme?\"
\"Wrongedboy,\"saidPALEYVOLLAIRE,\"Iwill,Butdon’tyoufidgetyourself—sitstill。\"
THETERRIBLETALE。
\"’Tisnowsomethirty—sevenyearsagoSincefirstbegantheplotthatI’mrevealing,Afineyoungwoman,whomyououghttoknow,LivedwithherhusbanddowninDrumLane,Ealing。
Herselfbymeansofmanglingreimbursing,Andnowandthen(atintervals)wet—nursing。
\"Twolittlebabesdweltintheirhumblecot:
Onewasherown—theotheronlylenttoher:
HEROWNSHESLIGHTED。TemptedbyalotOfgoldandsilverregularlysenttoher,SheministereduntothelittleotherInthecapacityoffoster—mother。
\"IWASHEROWN。Oh!howIlayandsobbedInmypoorcradle—deeply,deeplycursingTherichman’spamperedbantling,whohadrobbedMyonlybirthright—anattentivenursing!
Sometimesinhatredofmyfoster—brother,Ignashedmygums—whichterrifiedmymother。
\"Oneday—itwasquiteearlyintheweek—
IINMYCRADLEHAVINGPLACEDTHEBANTLING—
Creptintohis!Hehadnotlearnttospeak,ButIcouldseehisfacewithangermantling。
Itwasimprudent—well,disgracefulmaybe,For,oh!Iwasabad,blackheartedbaby!
\"Sogreataluxurywasfood,IthinkNowickednessbutIwasgametotryforit。
NOWifIwantedanythingtodrinkAtanytime,Ionlyhadtocryforit!
ONCE,ifIdaredtoweep,thebottlelacking,Myblubberinginvolvedaserioussmacking!
\"Wegrewupintheusualway—myfriend,Myfoster—brother,dailygrowingthinner,WhilegraduallyIbegantomend,Andthrivedamazinglyondoubledinner。
Andeveryone,besidesmyfoster—mother,Believedthateitherofuswastheother。
\"IcameintoHISwealth—IboreHISname,Ibearitstill—HISpropertyIsquandered—
Imortgagedeverything—andnow(oh,shame!)
IntoaSomersTownshake—downI’vewandered!
IamnoPALEY—no,VOLLAIRE—it’strue,myboy!
TheonlyrightfulPALEYV。isYOU,myboy!
\"AndallIhaveisyours—andyoursismine。
Istillmayplaceyouinyourtrueposition:
Givemethepoundsyou’vesaved,andI’llresignMynoblename,myrank,andmycondition。
SofarmywickednessinfalselyowningYourvastywealth,Iamatlastatoning!\"
*******
FREDERICKhewasasimplesoul,Hepulledfromhispocketabulkyroll,AndgavetoPALEYhishard—earnedstore,Ahundredandseventypoundsormore。
PALEYVOLLAIRE,withmanyagroan,GaveFREDERICKallthathecalledhisown,—
Twoshirtsandasock,andavestofjean,AWellingtonbootandabamboocane。
AndFRED(entitledtoallthingsthere)
HetookthefeverfromMR。VOLLAIRE,WhichkilledpoorFREDERICKWEST。MeanwhileVOLLAIREsailedofftoMadeira’sisle。
Ballad:THECAPTAINANDTHEMERMAIDS。
ISINGalegendofthesea,Sohard—a—portuponyourlee!
Ashiponstarboardtack!
She’sbounduponaprivatecruise—
(ThisisthekindofspiceIuseTogiveasalt—seasmack)。
Behold,oneveryafternoon(SaveinagaleorstrongMonsoon)
GreatCAPTAINCAPELCLEGGS
(Greatmorally,thoughrathershort)
Satatanopenweather—portAndairedhisshapelylegs。
AndMermaidshungaroundinflocks,Oncablechainsanddistantrocks,Togazeuponthoselimbs;
Forlegslikethose,offleshandbone,Arethings\"notgenerallyknown\"
ToanyMermanTIMBS。
ButMermendidn’tseemtocareMuchtime(asfarasI’maware)
WithCLEGGS’Slegstospend;
ThoughMermaidsswamaroundalldayAndgazed,exclaiming,\"THAT’SthewayAgentlemanshouldend!
\"Apairoflegswithwell—cutknees,AndcalvesandanklessuchastheseWhichweinrapturehail,Arefarmoreeloquent,it’sclear(Whenclothedinsilkandkerseymere),Thananynastytail。\"
AndCLEGGS—aworthykindoldboy—
Rejoicedtoaddtoothers’joy,And,whenthedaywasdry,Becauseitpleasedthelookers—on,Hesatfrommorntillnight—thoughcon—
Stitutionallyshy。
AtfirsttheMermenlaughed,\"Pooh!pooh!\"
Butfinallytheyjealousgrew,Andsoundedloudrecalls;
Butvainly。SothesefishymalesDeclaredtheytoowouldclothetheirtailsInsilkenhoseandsmalls。
Theysettowork,thesewater—men,Andmadetheirnetherrobes—butwhenTheydrewwithdaintytouchThekerseymereupontheirtails,Theyfounditscrapedagainsttheirscales,Andhurtthemverymuch。
Thesilk,besides,withwhichtheychoseTodecktheirtailsbywayofhose(Theyneverthoughtofshoon),Forsuchausewasmuchtoothin,—
Ittoreagainstthecaudalfin,And\"wentinladders\"soon。
Sotheydesignedanotherplan:
TheysenttheirmostseductivemanThisnotetohimtoshow—
\"OurMonarchsendstoCAPTAINCLEGGS
Hishumblecompliments,andbegsHe’lljoinhimdownbelow;
\"We’vepleasanthomesbelowthesea—
Besides,ifCAPTAINCLEGGSshouldbe(Asouradvicessay)
AjudgeofMermaids,hewillfindOurlady—fishofeverykindInspectionwillrepay。\"
GoodCAPELsentakindreply,ForCAPELthoughthecoulddescryAnadmirableplanTostudyalltheirwaysandlaws—
(Butnottheirlady—fish,becauseHewasamarriedman)。
TheMermansank—theCaptaintooJumpedoverboard,anddroppedfromviewLikestonefromcatapult;
AndwhenhereachedtheMerman’slair,Hecertainlywaswelcomedthere,But,ah!withwhatresult?
Theydidn’tlethimlearntheirlaw,Ormakeanoteofwhathesaw,Orinterestingmem。:
Thelady—fishhecouldn’tfind,Butthat,ofcourse,hedidn’tmind—
Hedidn’tcomeforthem。
Forthough,whenCAPTAINCAPELsank,TheMermendrawnindoublerankGavehimaheartyhail,YetwhensecureofCAPTAINCLEGGS,Theycutoffbothhislovelylegs,AndgavehimSUCHatail!
WhenCAPTAINCLEGGSreturnedaboard,Hisblithesomecrewconvulsiveroar’d,Toseehimalteredso。
TheAdmiraltydidinsistThatheupontheHalf—payListImmediatelyshouldgo。
Invaindeclaredthepooroldsalt,\"It’smymisfortune—notmyfault,\"
Withtearandtremblinglip—
InvainpoorCAPELbeggedandbegged。
\"AmanmustbecompletelyleggedWhorulesaBritishship。\"
SospakethesternFirstLordaloud—
Hewasawag,thoughveryproud,Andmuchrejoicedtosay,\"You’reonlyhalfacaptainnow—
Andso,myworthyfriend,IvowYou’llonlygethalf—pay!\"
Ballad:ANNIEPROTHEROE。ALEGENDOFSTRATFORD—LE—BOW。
OH!listentothetaleoflittleANNIEPROTHEROE。
Shekeptasmallpost—officeintheneighbourhoodofBOW;
Shelovedaskilledmechanic,whowasfamousinhisday—
AgentleexecutionerwhosenamewasGILBERTCLAY。
IthinkIhearyousay,\"Adreadfulsubjectforyourrhymes!\"
Oreader,donotshrink—hedidn’tliveinmoderntimes!
Helivedsolongago(thesketchwillshowitataglance)
Thatallhisactionsglitterwiththelime—lightofRomance。
Inbusytimeshelabouredathisgentlecraftallday—
\"NodoubtyoumeanhisCal—craft,\"youamusinglywillsay—
But,no—hedidn’toperatewithcommonbitsofstring,HewasaPublicHeadsman,whichisquiteanotherthing。
Andwhenhisworkwasover,theywouldrambleo’erthelea,Andsitbeneaththefrondageofanelderberrytree,AndANNIE’Ssimpleprattleentertainedhimonhiswalk,Forpublicexecutionsformedthesubjectofhertalk。
Andsometimeshe’dexplaintoher,whichcharmedherverymuch,Howfamousoperatorsvaryverymuchintouch,Andthen,perhaps,he’dshowhowhehimselfperformedthetrick,Andillustratehismeaningwithapoppyandastick。
Or,ifitrained,thelittlemaidwouldstopathome,andlookAthisfavourablenotices,allpastedinabook,Andthenhercheekwouldflush—herswimmingeyeswoulddancewithjoyInaglowofadmirationattheprowessofherboy。
Onesummereve,atsupper—time,thegentleGILBERTsaid(AshehelpedhisprettyANNIEtoasliceofcollaredhead),\"ThisremindsmeImustsettleonthenextensuingdayThehashofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY。\"
HesawhisANNIEtrembleandhesawhisANNIEstart,Herchangingcolourtrumpetedtheflutteratherheart;
YoungGILBERT’Smanlybosomroseandsankwithjealousfear,Andhesaid,\"OgentleANNIE,what’sthemeaningofthishere?\"
AndANNIEanswered,blushinginaninterestingway,\"Youthink,nodoubt,I’msighingforthatfelonPETERGRAY:
ThatIwashisyoungwomanisunquestionablytrue,ButnotsinceIbegana—keepingcompanywithyou。\"
ThenGILBERT,whowasirritable,roseandloudlysworeHe’dknowthereasonwhyifsherefusedtotellhimmore;
Andsheanswered(allthewomaninherflashingfromhereyes)
\"Youmustn’tasknoquestions,andyouwon’tbetoldnolies!
\"Fewlovershavetheprivilegeenjoyed,mydear,byyou,Ofchoppingoffarival’sheadandquarteringhimtoo!
Ofvengeance,dear,to—morrowyouwillsurelytakeyourfill!\"
AndGILBERTgroundhismolarsasheansweredher,\"Iwill!\"
YoungGILBERTrosefromtablewithasterndeterminedlook,And,frowning,tookaninexpensivehatchetfromitshook;
AndANNIEwatchedhismovementswithaninterestedair—
Forthemorrow—forthemorrowhewasgoingtoprepare!
Hechippeditwithahammerandhechoppeditwithabill,Hepouredsulphuricacidontheedgeofit,untilThisterribleAvengeroftheMajestyofLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
AndANNIEsaid,\"OGILBERT,dear,IdonotunderstandWhyeveryouareinjuringthathatchetinyourhand?’
Hesaid,\"ItisintendedfortolacerateandflayTheneckofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY!\"
\"Now,GILBERT,\"ANNIEanswered,\"wickedheadsman,justbeware—
Iwon’thavePETERtorturedwiththathorribleaffair;
Ifyouappearwiththat,youmaydependyou’llruetheday。\"
ButGILBERTsaid,\"Oh,shallI?\"whichwasjusthisnastyway。
Hesawalookofangerfromhereyesdistinctlydart,ForANNIEwasawoman,andhadpityinherheart!
Shewishedhimagoodevening—heansweredwithaglare;
Sheonlysaid,\"Remember,foryourANNIEwillbethere!\"
********
ThemorrowGILBERTboldlyonthescaffoldtookhisstand,Withavizoronhisfaceandwithahatchetinhishand,AndallthepeoplenoticedthattheEngineoftheLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
Thefelonverycoollyloosedhiscollarandhisstock,Andplacedhiswickedheaduponthehandylittleblock。
ThehatchetwasupliftedfortosettlePETERGRAY,WhenGILBERTplainlyheardawoman’svoiceexclaiming,\"Stay!\"
’TwasANNIE,gentleANNIE,asyou’lleasilybelieve。
\"OGILBERT,youmustsparehim,forIbringhimareprieve,ItcamefromourHomeSecretarymanyweeksago,Andpassedthroughthatpost—officewhichIusedtokeepatBow。
\"Ilovedyou,lovedyoumadly,andyouknowit,GILBERTCLAY,AndasI’dquitesurrenderedallideaofPETERGRAY,Iquietlysuppressedit,asyou’llclearlyunderstand,ForIthoughtitmightbeawkwardifhecameandclaimedmyhand。
\"Inangeratmysecret(whichIcouldnottellbefore),TolaceratepoorPETERGRAYvindictivelyyouswore;
Itoldyouifyouusedthatbluntedaxeyou’druetheday,Andsoyouwill,youngGILBERT,forI’llmarryPETERGRAY!\"
[ANDSOSHEDID。
Ballad:ANUNFORTUNATELIKENESS。
I’VEpaintedSHAKESPEAREallmylife—
\"Aninfant\"(eventhenat\"play\"!)
\"Aboy,\"withstage—ambitionrife,Then\"MarriedtoANNHATHAWAY。\"
\"Thebard’sfirstticketnight\"(or\"ben。\"),His\"Firstappearanceonthestage,\"
His\"Callbeforethecurtain\"—then\"Rejoicingswhenhecameofage。\"
Thebardplay—writinginhisroom,Thebardahumblelawyer’sclerk。
Thebardalawyer(3)—parson(4)—groom(5)—
Thebarddeer—stealing,afterdark。
Thebardatradesman(6)—andaJew(7)—
Thebardabotanist(8)—abeak(9)—
Thebardaskilledmusician(10)too—
Asheriff(11)andasurgeon(12)eke!
Yetcriticssay(afriendlystock)
That,thoughit’sevidentItry,YetevenIcanbarelymockTheglimmerofhiswondrouseye!
OnemorningasaworkIframed,Therepassedaperson,walkinghard:
\"Mygraciousgoodness,\"Iexclaimed,\"Howverylikemydearoldbard!
\"Oh,whatamodelhewouldmake!\"
Irushedoutside—impulsiveme!—
\"ForgivethelibertyItake,Butyou’resovery\"—\"Stop!\"saidhe。
\"Youneedn’twasteyourbreathortime,—
Iknowwhatyouaregoingtosay,—
Thatyou’reanartist,andthatI’mRemarkablylikeSHAKESPEARE。Eh?
\"YouwishthatIwouldsittoyou?\"
Iclaspedhimmadlyroundthewaist,Andbreathlesslyreplied,\"Ido!\"
\"Allright,\"saidhe,\"butpleasemakehaste。\"
Iledhimbyhishallowedsleeve,Andworkedawayathimapace,Ipaintedhimtilldewyeve,—
Thereneverwasanoblerface!
\"Oh,sir,\"Isaid,\"afortunegrandIsyours,bydintofmerestchance,—
TosportHISbrowatsecond—hand,TowearHIScast—offcountenance!
\"TorubHISeyeswhene’ertheyache—
TowearHISbaldnessereyou’reold—
TocleanHISteethwhenyouawake—
ToblowHISnosewhenyou’veacold!\"
Hiseyeballsglistenedinhiseyes—
Isatandwatchedandsmokedmypipe;
\"Bravo!\"Isaid,\"IrecognizeThephrensyofyourprototype!\"
Hisscantyhairhewildlytore:
\"That’sright,\"saidI,\"itshowsyourbreed。\"
Hedanced—hestamped—hewildlyswore—
\"Blessme,that’sveryfineindeed!\"
\"Sir,\"saidthegrandShakesperianboy(Continuingtoblazeaway),\"Youthinkmyfaceasourceofjoy;
Thatshowsyouknownotwhatyousay。
\"Forgivetheseyellsandcellar—flaps:
I’malwaysthrowninsomesuchstateWhenonhisfacewell—meaningchapsThiswretchedmancongratulate。
\"For,oh!thisface—thispointedchin—
Thisnose—thisbrow—theseeyeballstoo,HavealwaysbeentheoriginOfallthewoesIeverknew!
\"IftotheplaymywayIfind,ToseeagrandShakesperianpiece,Ihavenorest,noeaseofmindUntiltheauthor’spuppetscease。
\"Mennudgeeachother—thus—andsay,’ThiscertainlyisSHAKESPEARE’Sson,’
Andmerrywags(ofcourseinplay)
Cry’Author!’whenthepieceisdone。
\"Inchurchthepeoplestareatme,Theirsoulthesermonneverbinds;
Icatchthemlookingroundtosee,AndthoughtsofSHAKESPEAREfilltheirminds。
\"Andsculptors,fraughtwithcunningwile,WhofinditdifficulttocrownAbustwithBROWN’Sinsipidsmile,OrTOMKINS’Sunmanneredfrown,\"Yetboldlymakemyfacetheirown,When(oh,presumption!)theyrequireToanimateapaving—stoneWithSHAKESPEARE’Sintellectualfire。
\"Atpartieswhereyoungladiesgaze,AndIattempttospeakmyjoy,’Hush,pray,’somelovelycreaturesays,’Thefondillusiondon’tdestroy!’
\"Whene’erIspeak,mysouliswrungWiththeseorsomesuchwhisperings:
’’TispitythataSHAKESPEARE’StongueShouldsaysuchun—Shakesperianthings!’
\"IshouldnotthusbecriticisedHadIafaceofcommonwont:
Don’tenvyme—now,beadvised!\"
And,nowIthinkofit,Idon’t!
Ballad:THEKINGOFCANOODLE—DUM。
THEstoryofFREDERICKGOWLER,Amarinerofthesea,Whoquittedhisship,theHOWLER,A—sailinginCaribbee。
Formanyadayhewandered,TillhemetinastateofrumCALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP,TheKingofCanoodle—Dum。
Thatmonarchaddressedhimgaily,\"Hum!Gollydedoto—day?
Hum!Lily—whiteBuckraSailee\"—
(Younoticehisplayfulway?)—
\"Whatdickensyoudoin’here,sar?
Whydebbilyouwanttocome?
Hum!Picaninnee,dereisn’tnoseaInCityCanoodle—Dum!\"
AndGOWLERheansweredsadly,\"Oh,mineisadolefultale!
They’vetreatedmewerrybadlyInLunnon,fromwhereIhail。
I’moneoftheFamilyRoyal—
NocommonJackTaryousee;
I’mWILLIAMTHEFOURTH,farupintheNorth,AKinginmyowncountree!\"
Bang—bang!Howthetom—tomsthundered!
Bang—bang!Howtheythumpedthisgongs!
Bang—bang!Howthepeoplewondered!
Bang—bang!Atithammerandtongs!
AlliancewithKingsofEuropeIsanhonourCanoodlersseek,Hermonarchsdon’tstopwithPEPPERMINTDROP
Everydayintheweek!
FREDtoldthemthathewasundone,Forhispeopleallwentinsane,AndfiredtheTowerofLondon,AndGrinnidge’sNavalFane。
AndsomeofthemrackedSt。James’s,AndventedtheirrageuponTheChurchofSt。Paul,theFishmongers’Hall,AndtheAngelatIslington。
CALAMITYPOPimploredhimInhiscapitaltoremainTillthosepeopleofhisrestoredhimTopowerandrankagain。
CALAMITYPOPhemadehimAPrinceofCanoodle—Dum,Withacoupleofcaves,somebeautifulslaves,Andtherunoftheroyalrum。
Popgavehimhisonlydaughter,HUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP:
FREDvowedthatifoverthewaterHewent,inanEnglishship,He’dmakeherhisQueen,—thoughtrulyItisanunusualthingForaCaribbeebratwho’sasblackasyourhatTobewifeofanEnglishKing。
AndalltheCanoodle—DummersTheycopiedhisrollingwalk,Hismethodofdrainingrummers,Hisemblematicaltalk。
Forhisdressandhisgracefulbreeding,Hisdelicatetasteinrum,Andhisnauticalway,werethetalkofthedayIntheCourtofCanoodle—Dum。
CALAMITYPOPmostwiselyDeterminedineverythingTomodelhisCourtpreciselyOnthatoftheEnglishKing;
AndorderedthateveryladyAndeverylady’slordShouldmasticatejacky(akindoftobaccy),Andscatteritsjuiceabroad。
TheysignifiedwonderroundlyAtanyastoundingyarn,Bydarningtheirdeareyesroundly(’Twasalltheyhadtodarn)。
They\"hoistedtheirslacks,\"adjustingGarmentsofplantain—leavesWithnauticaltwitches(asiftheyworebreeches,InsteadofadresslikeEVE’S!)
Theyshiveredtheirtimbersproudly,Ataphantomforelockdragged,AndcalledforahornpipeloudlyWheneveramusementflagged。
\"Hum!Golly!himPOPresemble,HimBritishersov’reign,hum!
CALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP,DeKingofCanoodle—Dum!\"
Themariner’slively\"Hollo!\"
EnlivenedCanoodle’splain(ForblessingsunnumberedfollowInCivilization’strain)。
ButFortune,wholovesabathos,Aterribleendingplanned,ForADMIRALD。CHICKABIDDY,C。B。,PlacedfootonCanoodleland!
Thatrebel,heseizedKINGGOWLER,Hethreatenedhisroyalbrains,AndputhimaboardtheHOWLER,Andfastenedhimdownwithchains。
TheHOWLERsheweighedheranchor,WithFREDERICKnicelynailed,AndofftotheNorthwithWILLIAMTHEFOURTH
Thesehorriblepiratessailed。
CALAMITYsaid(withfolly),\"Hum!nebberwanthimagain—
Himcivilizeallofus,golly!
CALAMITYsuckhimbrain!\"
Thepeople,however,werepainedwhenTheysawhimaboardhisship,ButnoneofthemweptfortheirFREDDY,exceptHUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP。
Ballad:THEMARTINET。
SOMEtimeago,insimpleverseIsangthestorytrueOfCAPTAINREECE,theMANTELPIECE,Andallherhappycrew。
IshowedhowanycaptainmayAttachhismentohim,Ifhebutheedstheirsmallestneeds,Andstudieseverywhim。
Nowmarkhow,byDraconicruleAndHAUTEURill—advised,ThenoblestcrewupontheBlueMaybedemoralized。
WhenhisungratefulcountryplacedKindREECEuponhalf—pay,WithoutmuchclaimSIRBERKELYcame,Andtookcommandoneday。
SIRBERKELYwasamartinet—
Asternunyieldingsoul—
WhoruledhisshipbydintofwhipAndhorribleblack—hole。
AsailorwhowasovercomeFromhavingfreelydined,Andchancedtoreelwhenatthewheel,Heinstantlyconfined!
Andtarswho,whenanactionraged,Appearedalarmedorscared,Andthosebelowwhowishedtogo,Heveryseldomspared。
E’enhewhosmotehisofficerForpunishmentwasbooked,AndmutiniesupontheseasHerarelyoverlooked。
Inshort,thehappyMANTELPIECE,Whereallhadgonesowell,BeneaththatfoolSIRBERKELY’SruleBecameafloatinghell。
WhenfirstSIRBERKELYcameaboardHereadaspeechtoall,Andtoldthemhowhe’dmadeavowToactonduty’scall。
ThenWILLIAMLEE,heupandsaid(TheCaptain’scoxswainhe),\"We’veheardthespeechyourhonour’smade,Andwerrypleasedwebe。
\"Wewon’tpretend,mylad,ashowWe’regladtoloseourREECE;
Urbane,polite,hesuitedquiteThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
\"ButifyourhonourgivesyourmindTostudyallourways,Withdanceandsongwe’lljogalongAsinthosehappydays。
\"Ilikeyourhonour’slooks,andfeelYou’reworthyofyoursword。
Yourhand,mylad—I’mdoosidgladTowelcomeyouaboard!\"
SIRBERKELYlookedamazed,asthoughHedidn’tunderstand。
\"Don’tshakeyourhead,\"goodWILLIAMsaid,\"Itisanhonesthand。
\"It’sgraspedabetterhandthanyourn—
Come,gov’nor,Iinsist!\"
TheCaptainstared—thecoxswainglared—
Thehandbecameafist!
\"Down,upstart!\"saidthehardysalt;
ButBERKELYdodgedhisaim,Andmadehimgoinchainsbelow:
Theseamenmurmured\"Shame!\"
Hestoppedallsongsat12p。m。,Stoppedhornpipeswhenatsea,Andsworehiscot(orbunk)shouldnotBeusedbyaughtthanhe。
Heneverjoinedtheirdailymess,Noraskedthemtohisown,ButchaffedingayandsocialwayTheofficersalone。
HisFirstLieutenant,PETER,wasAsuselessascouldbe,Ahelplessstick,andalwayssickWhentherewasanysea。
ThisFirstLieutenantprovedtobeHisfoster—sisterMAY,WhowenttoseaforloveofheInmasculinearray。
Andwhenhelearntthecuriousfact,Didheemotionshow,OrdryhertearsorendherfearsBymarryingher?No!
OrdidheeventrytosootheThismaideninherteens?
Oh,no!—insteadhemadeherwedTheSergeantofMarines!
OfcoursesuchSpartandisciplineWouldmakeanangelfret;
Theydrewalot,andWILLIAMshotThisfearfulmartinet。
TheAdmiraltysawhowillThey’dtreatedCAPTAINREECE;
HewasrestoredoncemoreaboardThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
Ballad:THESAILORBOYTOHISLASS。
IGOawaythisblessedday,Tosailacrossthesea,MATILDA!
MyvesselstartsforvariouspartsAttwentyafterthree,MATILDA。
Ihardlyknowwherewemaygo,Orifit’snearorfar,MATILDA,ForCAPTAINHYDEdoesnotconfideInany’fore—masttar,MATILDA!
BeneathmybanthatmysticmanShallsuffer,COUTEQUICOUTE,MATILDA!
WhatrighthashetokeepfrommeTheAdmiraltyroute,MATILDA?
Because,forsooth!IamayouthOfcommonsailors’lot,MATILDA!
AmIamanonhumanplanDesigned,oramInot,MATILDA?
Butthere,mylass,we’llletthatpass!
WithanxiousloveIburn,MATILDA。
IwanttoknowifweshallgoTochurchwhenIreturn,MATILDA?
Youreyesarered,youbowyourhead;
It’sprettyclearyouthirst,MATILDA,Tonametheday—What’sthatyousay?
—\"You’llseemefurtherfirst,\"MATILDA?
Ican’tmistakethesignsyoumake,Althoughyoubarelyspeak,MATILDA;
Thoughpureandyoung,youthrustyourtongueRightinyourprettycheek,MATILDA!
Mydear,IfearIhearyousneer—
Ido—I’msureIdo,MATILDA!
Withsimplegraceyoumakeaface,Ejaculating,\"Ugh!\"MATILDA。
Oh,pausetothinkbeforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup,MATILDA!
Remember,do,whatI’vegonethrough,Beforeyougivemeup,MATILDA!
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo,MATILDA!
AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt,allalongofyou,MATILDA!
Doyouforget,myblithesomepet,Howoncewithjealousrage,MATILDA,IwatchedyouwalkandgailytalkWithsomeonethriceyourage,MATILDA?
Yousquattedfreeuponhisknee,Asightthatmademesad,MATILDA!
Youpinchedhischeekwithfriendlytweak,Whichalmostdrovememad,MATILDA!
Iknewhimnot,buthopedtospotSomemanyouthoughttowed,MATILDA!
Itookagun,mydarlingone,Andshothimthroughthehead,MATILDA!
I’mmadeofstuffthat’sroughandgruffEnough,Iown;but,ah,MATILDA!
ItDIDannoyyoursailorboyTofinditwasyourpa,MATILDA!
I’vepassedalifeoftoilandstrife,Anddisappointmentsdeep,MATILDA;
I’velainawakewithdentalacheUntilIfellasleep,MATILDA!
AttimesagainI’vemissedatrain,Orp’rhapsrunshortoftin,MATILDA,Andwornabootoncornsthatshoot,Or,shaving,cutmychin,MATILDA。
But,oh!notrains—nodentalpains—
BelievemewhenIsay,MATILDA,Nocornsthatshoot—nopinchingbootUponasummerday,MATILDA—
It’smybelief,couldcausesuchgriefAsthatI’vesufferedfor,MATILDA,MyhavingshotinvitalspotYouroldprogenitor,MATILDA。
BethinkyouhowI’vekeptthevowImadeonewinterday,MATILDA—
That,comewhatcould,IneverwouldRemaintoolongaway,MATILDA。
And,oh!thecrimeswithwhich,attimes,I’vechargedmygentlemind,MATILDA,TokeepthevowImade—andnowYoutreatmesounkind,MATILDA!
Forwhenatsea,offCaribbee,Ifeltmypassionburn,MATILDA,Bypassionegged,IwentandbeggedThecaptaintoreturn,MATILDA。
Andwhen,mypet,Icouldn’tgetThatcaptaintoagree,MATILDA,RightthroughasortofopenportIpitchedhiminthesea,MATILDA!
Remember,too,howallthecrewWithindignationblind,MATILDA,Distinctlysworetheyne’erbeforeHadthoughtmesounkind,MATILDA。
Andhowthey’dshunmeonebyone—
Anunforgivinggroup,MATILDA—
IstoppedtheirhowlsandsulkyscowlsBypizeningtheirsoup,MATILDA!
Sopausetothink,beforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup,MATILDA;
Remember,do,whatI’vegonethrough,Beforeyougivemeup,MATILDA。
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo,MATILDA,AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt,allalongofyou,MATILDA!
Ballad:THEREVERENDSIMONMAGUS。
ARICHadvowson,highlyprized,Forprivatesalewasadvertised;
Andmanyaparsonmadeabid;
TheREVERENDSIMONMAGUSdid。
Hesoughttheagent’s:\"Agent,I
Havecomepreparedatoncetobuy(Ifyourdemandisnottoobig)
TheCureofOtium—cum—Digge。\"
\"Ah!\"saidtheagent,\"THERE’Saberth—
Thesnuggestvicarageonearth;
Nosortofduty(soIhear),Andfifteenhundredpoundsayear!
\"Ifonthepriceweshouldagree,Thelivingsoonwillvacantbe;
Thegoodincumbent’sninetyfive,Andcannotverylongsurvive。
See—here’shisphotograph—yousee,He’sinhisdotage。\"\"Ah,dearme!
Poorsoul!\"saidSIMON。\"HisdeceaseWouldbeamercifulrelease!\"
Theagentlaughed—theagentblinked—
Theagentblewhisnoseandwinked—
Andpokedtheparson’sribsinplay—
Itwasthatagent’svulgarway。
TheREVERENDSIMONfrowned:\"IgrieveThislightdemeanourtoperceive;
It’sscarcelyCOMMEILFAUT,Ithink:
Now—prayobligeme—donotwink。
\"Don’tdigmywaistcoatintoholes—
YourmissionistosellthesoulsOfhumansheepandhumankidsTothatdivinewhohighestbids。
\"Dowellinthis,andonyourheadUnnumberedhonourswillbeshed。\"
Theagentsaid,\"Well,truthtotell,IHAVEbeendoingverywell。\"
\"Youshould,\"saidSIMON,\"atyourage;
Butnowabouttheparsonage。
Howmanyroomsdoesitcontain?
Showmethephotographagain。
\"Apoorapostle’shumblehouseMustnotbetooluxurious;
Nostatelyhallswithoakenfloor—
Itshouldbedecentandnomore。
\"Nobilliard—rooms—nostatelytrees—
Nocroquet—groundsorpineries。\"
\"Ah!\"sighedtheagent,\"verytrue:
Thispropertywon’tdoforyou。\"
\"Alltheseaboutthehouseyou’llfind。\"—
\"Well,\"saidtheparson,\"nevermind;
I’llmanagetosubmittotheseLuxurioussuperfluities。
\"AclergymanwhodoesnotshirkThevariouscallsofChristianwork,WillhavenoleisuretoemployThese’commonforms’ofworldlyjoy。
\"TopreachthreetimesonSabbathdays—
Toweanthelostfromwickedways—
Thesicktosoothe—thesanetowed—
Thepoortofeedwithmeatandbread;
\"ThesearethevariouswholesomewaysInwhichI’llspendmynightsanddays:
MyzealwillhavenotimetocoolAtcroquet,archery,orpool。\"
Theagentsaid,\"FromwhatIhear,Thislivingwillnotsuit,Ifear—
Therearenopoor,nosickatall;
Forservicesthereisnocall。\"
Thereverendgentlookedgrave,\"Dearme!
ThenthereisNO’society’?—
Imean,ofcourse,nosinnersthereWhosesoulswillbemyspecialcare?\"
Thecunningagentshookhishead,\"No,none—except\"—(theagentsaid)—
\"TheDUKEOFA。,theEARLOFB。,TheMARQUISC。,andVISCOUNTD。
\"Butyouwillnotbequitealone,Forthoughthey’vechaplainsoftheirown,Ofcoursethisnoblewell—bredclanReceivetheparishclergyman。\"
\"Oh,silence,sir!\"saidSIMONM。,\"Dukes—Earls!WhatshouldIcareforthem?
TheseworldlyranksIscornandflout!\"
\"Ofcourse,\"theagentsaid,\"nodoubt!\"
\"YetImightshowthesemenofbirthThehollownessofrankonearth。\"
Theagentanswered,\"Verytrue—
ButIshouldnot,ifIwereyou。\"
\"Whosellsthisrichadvowson,pray?\"
Theagentwinked—itwashisway—
\"HisnameisHART;’twixtmeandyou,Heis,I’mgrievedtosay,aJew!\"
\"AJew?\"saidSIMON,\"happyfind!
Ipurchasethisadvowson,mind。
MylifeshallbedevotedtoConvertingthatunhappyJew!\"
Ballad:MYDREAM。
THEothernight,fromcaresexempt,Islept—andwhatd’youthinkIdreamt?
IdreamtthatsomehowIhadcomeTodwellinTopsy—Turveydom—
Whereviceisvirtue—virtue,vice:
Whereniceisnasty—nasty,nice:
Whererightiswrongandwrongisright—
Wherewhiteisblackandblackiswhite。
Wherebabies,muchtotheirsurprise,Arebornastonishinglywise;
WitheveryScienceontheirlips,AndArtatalltheirfinger—tips。
For,astheirnursesdandlethemTheycrowbinomialtheorem,Withviews(itseemsabsurdtous)
Ondifferentialcalculus。
Butthoughababe,asIhavesaid,Isbornwithlearninginhishead,Hemustforgetit,ifhecan,Beforehecallshimselfaman。
Forthatwhichwecallfollyhere,Iswisdominthatfavouredsphere;
ThewisdomwesohighlyprizeIsblatantfollyintheireyes。
Aboy,ifhewouldpushhisway,Mustlearnsomenonsenseeveryday;
Andcut,tocarryoutthisview,Hiswisdomteethandwisdomtoo。
Historiansburntheirmidnightoils,Intentongiant—killers’toils;
AndsagesclosetheiragedeyesToothersages’lullabies。
Ourmagistrates,indutybound,Commitallrobberswhoarefound;
ButtheretheBeaks(sopeoplesaid)
Commitallrobberiesinstead。
OurJudges,pureandwiseintone,Knowcrimefromtheoryalone,AndgleanthemotivesofathiefFrombooksandpopularbelief。
Butthere,aJudgewhowantstoprimeHismindwithtrueideasofcrime,DerivesthemfromthecommonsenseOfpracticalexperience。
PolicemenmarchallfolksawayWhopractisevirtueeveryday—
Ofcourse,Imeantosay,youknow,Whatwecallvirtueherebelow。
ForonlyscoundrelsdaretodoWhatweconsiderjustandtrue,Andonlygoodmendo,infact,Whatweshouldthinkadirtyact。
Butstrangestofthesesocialtwirls,Thegirlsareboys—theboysaregirls!
Themenarewomen,too—butthen,PERCONTRA,womenallaremen。
ToonewhototraditionclingsThisseemsanawkwardstateofthings,Butiftothinkitoutyoutry,Itdoesn’treallysignify。
Withthem,assurelyascanbe,Asailorshouldbesickatsea,AndnotapassengermaysailWhocannotsmokerightthroughagale。
Asoldier(savebyrarestluck)
Isalwaysshotforshowingpluck(Thatis,ifotherscanbefoundWithpluckenoughtofirearound)。
\"Howstrange!\"IsaidtooneIsaw;
\"Youquiteupsetoureverylaw。
HowevercanyougetalongSosystematicallywrong?\"
\"Dearme!\"mymadinformantsaid,\"Haveyounoeyeswithinyourhead?
Yousneerwhenyouyourhatshoulddoff:
Why,webeginwhereyouleaveoff!
\"YourwisestmenareveryfarLesslearnedthanourbabiesare!\"
Imusedawhile—andthen,ohme!
Iframedthisbrilliantrepartee:
\"AlthoughyourbabesarewiserfarThanourmostvaluedsagesare,Yoursages,withtheirtoysandcots,Aredullerthanouridiots!\"
Butthisremark,Igrievetostate,CamejustalittlebittoolateForasIframeditinmyhead,Iwokeandfoundmyselfinbed。
StillIcouldwishthat,’steadofhere,Mylotwereinthatfavouredsphere!—
WheregreatestfoolsbearoffthebellIoughttodoextremelywell。
Ballad:THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOOAGAIN。
IOFTENwonderwhetheryouThinksometimesofthatBishop,whoFromblackbutbalmyRum—ti—FooLastsummertwelvemonthcame。
UntoyourmindIp’r’apsmaybringRemembranceofthemanIsingTo—day,bysimplymentioningThatPETERwashisname。
RememberhowthatholymanCamewiththegreatColonialclanToSynod,calledPan—Anglican;
AndkindlyrecollectHow,havingcrossedtheoceanwide,TopleasehisflockallmeanshetriedConsistentwithaproperprideAndmanlyself—respect。
Heonly,ofthereverendpackWhoministertoChristiansblack,BroughtanyusefulknowledgebackTohisColonialfold。
InconsequenceaplaceIclaimFor\"PETER\"onthescrollofFame(ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname,AsI’vealreadytold)。
HecarriedArt,heoftensaid,Toplaceswherethattimidmaid(SavebyColonialBishops’aid)
Couldneverhopetoroam。
ThePayne—cum—LaurifeathetaughtAshehadlearntit;forhethoughtThechoicestfruitsofProgressoughtToblesstheNegro’shome。
Andhehadotherworktodo,For,whilehetossedupontheBlue,TheislandersofRum—ti—FooForgottheirkindlyfriend。
Theirdecentclothestheylearnttotear—
Theylearnttosay,\"Idonotcare,\"
Thoughthey,ofcourse,werewellawareHowfolks,whosayso,end。
Somesailors,whomhedidnotknow,Hadlandedtherenotlongago,Andtaughtthem\"Bother!\"also,\"Blow!\"
(Ofwickednessthegerms)。
Noneedtouseacasuist’spenToprovethattheyweremerchantmen;
NosailoroftheRoyalN。
Wouldusesuchawfulterms。
Andso,whenBISHOPPETERcame(ThatwasthekindlyBishop’sname),Heheardthesedreadfuloathswithshame,Andchidtheirwantofdress。
(Exceptashell—abanglerare—
Afeatherhere—afeatherthereTheSouthPacificNegroeswearTheirnativenothingness。)
HetaughtthemthataBishoploathesTolistentodisgracefuloaths,Hegavethemallhisleft—offclothes—
Theybentthemtohiswill。