CHAPTERI：CHARONMAKESADISCOVERY
Charon，theFerrymanofrenown，wascruisingslowlyalongtheStyxonepleasantFridaymorningnotlongago，andashepaddledidlyonhechuckledmildlytohimselfashethoughtofthemonopolyinferriagewhichinthecourseofyearshehadmanagedtobuildup。
\"It’sagreatthing，\"hesaid，withasmirkofsatisfaction——\"it’sagreatthingtobethego—betweenbetweentwostatesofbeing；tohavetheexclusivefranchisetoexportandimportshadesfromonestatetotheother，andwithaltohavehadascleanarecordasminehasbeen。
Valuableasismyfranchise，Inevercorruptedapublicofficialinmylife，and——\"
HereCharonstoppedhissoliloquyandhisboatsimultaneously。Asheroundedoneofthemanyturnsintheriverasingularobjectmethisgaze，andone，too，thatfilledhimwithmisgiving。Itwasanothercraft，andthatwasathingnottobetolerated。Hadhe，Charon，ownedtheexclusiverightofwayontheStyxalltheseyearstohaveitdisputedhereintheclosingdecadeoftheNineteenthCentury？
Hadnothedealtsatisfactorilywithall，whetheritwasinthelineofferriageorintheprovidingofboatsforpleasure—tripsuptheriver？Hadhenotreceivedexpressionsofsatisfaction，indeed，fromthemostexclusivefamiliesofHadeswiththeveryselectseriesofpicnicshehadgivenatCharon’sGlenIsland？Nowonder，then，thatthequeer—lookingboatthatmethisgaze，mooredinashadynookonthedarksideoftheriver，filledhimwithdismay。
\"BlowmeforalandlubberifIlikethat!\"hesaid，inahardlyaudiblewhisper。\"AndshivermytimbersifIdon’tfindoutwhatshe’stherefor。Ifanybodythinkshecanrunanoppositionlinetomineonthisriverhe’smightilymistaken。Ifitcomestocompetition，IcancarryshadesfornothingandstillquafftheB。&
G。yellow—labelbenzinethreetimesadaywithoutexperiencingafinancialpanic。I’llshow’emathingortwoiftheyattempttorivalme。Andwhataboat!ItlooksforalltheworldlikeaFlorentinebarnonacanal—boat。\"
Charonpaddleduptothesideofthecraft，and，standingupinthemiddleofhisboat，criedout，\"Shipahoy!\"
Therewasnoanswer，andtheFerrymanhailedheragain。Receivingnoresponsetohissecondcall，heresolvedtoinvestigateforhimself；
so，fasteninghisownboattothestern—postofthestranger，heclamberedonboard。Ifhewasastonishedashesatinhisferry—
boat，hewasparalyzedwhenhecasthiseyeovertheunwelcomevesselhehadboarded。Hestoodforatleasttwominutesrootedtothespot。Hiseyesweptoveralong，broaddeck，thepolishofwhichresembledthatofaball—roomfloor。Amidships，runningfromthree—
quartersafttothree—quartersforward，stoodastructurethatinitslinesresembled，asCharonhadintimated，abarn，designedbyanarchitectenamouredofFlorentinesimplicity；butinitsconstructiontherichestofwoodshadbeenused，andinitsinteriorarrangementandadornmentnothingmorepalatialcouldbeconceived。
\"What’sthebloomingthingfor？\"saidCharon，moredismayedthanever。\"Iftheystartanotherlinewithacraftlikethis，I’mverymuchafraidI’mdoneforafterall。Iwouldn’ttakeaboatlikeminemyselfiftherewasafloatingpalacelikethisgoingthesameway。
I’llhavetoseetheCommissionersaboutthis，andfindoutwhatitallmeans。Isupposeit’llcostmeaprettypenny，too，confoundthem!\"
Apreytotheseunhappyreflections，Charoninvestigatedfurther，andthemorehesawthelesshelikedit。Hewasabouttoencounteropposition，andanoppositionwhichwasapparentlybackedbypersonsofgreatwealth——perhapstheCommissionersthemselves。Itwasaconsolingthoughtthathehadsavedenoughmoneyinthecourseofhiscareertoenablehimtoliveincomfortallhisdays，butthiswasnotreallywhatCharonwasafter。Hewishedtoacquireenoughtoretireandbecomeoneofthesmartset。IthadbeendoneinthatsectionoftheuniversewhichlayonthebrightsideoftheStyx，whynot，therefore，ontheother，heasked。
\"I’mprettywellconnectedevenifIamaboatman，\"hehadbeenknowntosay。\"WithChaosforagrandfather，andErebusandNoxforparents，I’vejustasgoodbloodinmyveinsasanybodyinHades。
TheNoxesareamightyfinefamily，notasbrightastheDays，butolder；andwe’repoor——that’sit，poor——andit’smoneymakescastethesedays。IfIhadmillions，andownedarailroad，they’dcallmeayacht—owner。AsIhaven’t，I’monlyaboatman。Bah!Waitandsee!I’llbegivingswellfunctionsmyselfsomeday，andtheseupstartswillbeontheirkneesbeforemebeggingtobeasked。ThenI’llgetupalittlearistocracyofmyown，andIwon’tletasoulintoitwhosenameisn’tmentionedintheGrecianmythologies。
MentioninBurke’speerageandtheElitedirectoriesofAmericawon’tadmitanybodytoCommodoreCharon’shouseunlessthere’ssomeothermightygoodreasonforit。\"
Foreseeinganunhappyendingtoallhishopes，theoldmanclamberedsadlybackintohisancientvesselandpaddledoffintothedarkness。
Somehourslater，returningwithalargecompanyofnewarrivals，whilecountinguptheprofitsofthedayCharonagaincaughtsightofthenewcraft，andsawthatitwasbrilliantlylightedandthrongedwiththemostfamouscitizensoftheErebeancountry。Upinthebowwasaspiritbanddiscoursingmusicofthesweetestsort。MerrypealsoflaughterrangoutoverthedarkwatersoftheStyx。Theclinkofglassesandthepoppingofcorkspunctuatedthemusicwithafrequencywhichwouldhavedelightedthesoulofthemostardentloverofcommas，allofwhichsooverpoweredthegrandmasterboatmanoftheStygianFerryCompanythathedroppedthreeoboliandanAmericandime，whichhecarriedasapocket—piece，overboard。This，ofcourse，addedtohiswoe；butitwasforgotteninaninstant，forsomeoneonthenewboathadturnedasearch—lightdirectlyuponCharonhimself，andsimultaneouslyhailedthemasteroftheferry—
boat。
\"Charon!\"criedtheshadeinchargeofthelight。\"Charon，ahoy!\"
\"Ahoyyourself!\"returnedtheoldman，paddlinghiscraftcloseuptothestranger。\"Whatdoyouwant？\"
\"You，\"saidtheshade。\"Thehousecommitteewanttoseeyourightaway。\"
\"Whatfor？\"askedCharon，cautiously。
\"I’msureIdon’tknow。I’monlyamemberoftheclub，andhousecommitteesneverletmeremembersknowanythingabouttheirplans。
AllIknowisthatyouarewanted，\"saidtheother。
\"Whoarethehousecommittee？\"queriedtheFerryman。
\"SirWalterRaleigh，Cassius，Demosthenes，Blackstone，DoctorJohnson，andConfucius，\"repliedtheshade。
\"Tell’emI’llbebackinanhour，\"saidCharon，pushingoff。\"I’vegotacargoofshadesonboardconsignedtovariousplacesuptheriver。I’vepromisedtoget’emallthroughto—night，butI’llputonacoupleofextrapaddles——twoofthenewarrivalsareworkingtheirpassagethistrip——anditwon’ttakeaslongasusual。Whatboatisthis，anyhow？\"
\"TheNancyNox，ofErebus。\"
\"Thunder!\"criedCharon，ashepushedoffandproceededonhiswayuptheriver。\"Namedaftermymother!Perhapsit’llcomeoutallrightyet。\"
Morehopefulofmood，Charon，aidedbythetwodead—headpassengers，soongotthroughwithhisevening’swork，andinlessthananhourwasbackseekingadmittance，asrequested，tothecompanyofSirWalterRaleighandhisfellow—membersonthehousecommittee。Hewasreceivedbytheseworthieswithconsiderableeffusiveness，consideringhispositioninsociety，anditwarmedthecocklesofhisagedhearttonotethatSirWalter，whohadalwaysbeenratherdistanttohimsincehehadcarelesslyupsetthatworthyandQueenElizabethinthemiddleoftheStyxfarbackinthelastcentury，permittedhimtoshakethreefingersofhislefthandwhenheenteredthecommittee—room。
\"Howdoyoudo，Charon？\"saidSirWalter，affably。\"Weareverygladtoseeyou。\"
\"Thankyou，kindly，SirWalter，\"saidtheboatman。\"I’mgladtohearthosewords，yourhonor，forI’vebeenfeelingverybadsinceIhadthemisfortunetodropyourExcellencyandherMajestyoverboard。I
neverknewhowithappened，sir，buthappenitdid，andbutforherMajesty’skindassistanceitmighthavebeentheworseforus。Eh，SirWalter？\"
TheknightshookhisheadmenacinglyatCharon。HithertohehadmanagedtokeepitasecretthattheQueenhadrescuedhimfromdrowninguponthatoccasionbyswimmingashoreherselffirstandthrowingSirWalterherruffassoonasshelanded，whichhehadusedasalife—preserver。
\"’Sh!\"hesaid，sottovoce。\"Don’tsayanythingaboutthat，myman。\"
\"Verywell，SirWalter，Iwon’t，\"saidtheboatman；buthemadeamentalnoteoftheknight’sagitation，andperceivedameansbywhichthatillustriouscourtiercouldbemadeusefultohiminhisschemingforsocialadvancement。
\"Iunderstoodyouhadsomethingtosaytome，\"saidCharon，afterhehadgreetedtheothers。
\"Wehave，\"saidSirWalter。\"Wewantyoutoassumecommandofthisboat。\"
Theoldfellow’seyeslightedupwithpleasure。
\"Youwantacaptain，eh？\"hesaid。
\"No，\"saidConfucius，tappingthetablewithadiamond—studdedchop—
stick。\"No。Wewanta——er——whatthedeuceisittheycallthefunctionary，Cassius？\"
\"Senator，Ithink，\"saidCassius。
Demosthenesgavealoudlaugh。
\"YourmindisstillrunningonSenatorships，mydearCassius。Thatisquiteevident，\"hesaid。\"Thisisnotoneofthem，however。ThetitlewewishCharontoassumeisneitherCaptainnorSenator；itisJanitor。\"
\"What’sthat？\"askedCharon，alittledisappointed。\"WhatdoesaJanitorhavetodo？\"
\"Hehastolookafterthingsinthehouse，\"explainedSirWalter。
\"He’sasortofproprietorbyproxy。Wewantyoutotakechargeofthehouse，andseetoitthattheboatiskeptshipshape。\"
\"Whereisthehouse？\"queriedtheastonishedboatman。
\"Thisisit，\"saidSirWalter。\"Thisisthehouse，andtheboattoo。
Infact，itisahouse—boat。\"
\"Thenitisn’tanew—fangledschemetodrivemeoutofbusiness？\"
saidCharon，warily。
\"Notatall，\"returnedSirWalter。\"It’sanew—fangledschemetosetyouupinbusiness。We’llpayyoualargesalary，andtherewon’tbemuchtodo。Youarethebestmanfortheplace，because，whileyoudon’tknowmuchabouthouses，youdoknowagreatdealaboutboats，andtheboatpartisthemostimportantpartofahouse—boat。Iftheboatsinks，youcan’tsavethehouse；butifthehouseburns，youmaybeabletosavetheboat。See？\"
\"IthinkIdo，sir，\"saidCharon。
\"AnotherreasonwhywewanttoemployyouforJanitor，\"saidConfucius，\"isthatourclubwantstobeindirectcommunicationwithbothsidesoftheStyx；andwethinkyouasJanitorwouldbeabletomakebetterarrangementsfortransportationwithyourselfasboatman，thansomeothermanasJanitorcouldmakewithyou。\"
\"Spokenlikeasage，\"saidDemosthenes。
\"Furthermore，\"saidCassius，\"occasionallyweshallwanttohavethisboattowedupordowntheriver，accordingtothehousecommittee’spleasure，andwethinkitwouldbewelltohaveaJanitorwhohassomeinfluencewiththetowingcompanywhichyourepresent。\"
\"Can’tthisboatbemovedwithouttowing？\"askedCharon。
\"No，\"saidCassius。
\"AndI’mtheonlymanwhocantowit，eh？\"
\"Youare，\"saidBlackstone。\"Worseluck。\"
\"AndyouwantmetobeJanitoronasalaryofwhat？\"
\"Ahundredoboliamonth，\"saidSirWalter，uneasily。
\"Verywell，gentlemen，\"saidCharon。\"I’llaccepttheofficeonasalaryoftwohundredoboliamonth，withSaturdaysoff。\"
Thecommitteewentintoexecutivesessionforfiveminutes，andontheirreturninformedCharonthatinbehalfoftheAssociatedShadestheyacceptedhisoffer。
\"Inbehalfofwhat？\"theoldmanasked。
\"TheAssociatedShades，\"saidSirWalter。\"TheswellestorganizationinHades，whosenewhouse—boatyouarenowonboardof。Whenshallyoubereadytobeginwork？\"
\"Rightaway，\"saidCharon，notingbytheclockthatitwasthehourofmidnight。\"I’llstartinrightaway，andasitisnowSaturdaymorning，I’llbeginbytakingmydayoff。\"
CHAPTERII：ADISPUTEDAUTHORSHIP
\"Howareyou，Charon？\"saidShakespeare，astheJanitorassistedhimonboard。\"Anyonehereto—night？\"
\"Yes，sir，\"saidCharon。\"LordBaconisupinthelibrary，andDoctorJohnsonisdowninthebilliard—room，playingpoolwithNero。\"
\"Ha—ha!\"laughedShakespeare。\"Pool，eh？DoesNeroplaypool？\"
\"Notaswellashedoesthefiddle，sir，\"saidtheJanitor，withatwinkleinhiseye。
Shakespeareenteredthehouseandtossedupanobolus。\"Heads——
Bacon；tails——poolwithNeroandJohnson，\"hesaid。
Thecoincamedownwithheadsup，andShakespearewentintothepool—
room，justtoshowtheFatesthathedidn’tcareatuppencefortheirverdictasregisteredthroughtheobolus。ItwasapeculiarcustomofShakespeare’stotossupacointodecidequestionsoflittleconsequence，andthendothethingthecoindecidedheshouldnotdo。
Itshowed，inShakespeare’sestimation，hisentireindependenceofthosedullpersonswhosupposedthatinthemwascentredthedestinyofallmankind。TheFates，however，onlysmiledattheselittleactsofrebellion，anditwascommongossipinErebusthatoneofthetriohadtoldtheFuriesthattheyhadobservedShakespeare’stendencytokickoverthetraces，andalwaysactedaccordingly。Theyneverletthecoinfallsoastodecideaquestionthewaytheywantedit，sothatunwittinglythegreatdramatistdidtheirwillafterall。ItwasapartoftheirplanthatuponthisoccasionShakespeareshouldplaypoolwithDoctorJohnsonandtheEmperorNero，andhenceitwasthatthecoinbadehimrepairtothelibraryandchatwithLordBacon。
\"Hullo，William，\"saidtheDoctor，pocketingthreeballsonthebreak。\"How’sourlittleSwanletofAvonthisafternoon？\"
\"Wornout，\"Shakespearereplied。\"I’vebeenhardatworkonaplaythismorning，andI’mtired。\"
\"AllworkandnoplaymakesJackadullboy，\"saidNero，grinningbroadly。
\"Youareabrightspirit，\"saidShakespeare，withasigh。\"IwishI
hadthoughttoworkyouupintoatragedy。\"
\"I’veoftenwonderedwhyyoudidn’t，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"He’dhavemadeasuperbtragedy，Nerowould。Idon’tbelievetherewasanykindofacrimeheleftuncommitted。Wasthere，Emperor？\"
\"Yes。IneverwroteanEnglishdictionary，\"returnedtheEmperor，dryly。\"I’vemurderedeverythingbutEnglish，though。\"
\"Icouldhavemadeafinetragedyoutofyou，\"saidShakespeare。
\"Justthinkwhatadreadfulclimaxforatragedyitwouldbe，Johnson，tohaveNero，asthecurtainfell，playingaviolinsolo。\"
\"Prettygood，\"returnedtheDoctor。\"Butwhat’stheuseofkillingoffyouraudiencethatway？It’sbetterbusinesstolet’emlive，I
say。SupposeNerogaveaLondonaudiencethatlittlemusicaleheprovidedatQueenElizabeth’sWednesdaynight。Howmanypurelymortalbeings，doyouthink，wouldhavecomeoutalive？\"
\"Notone，\"saidShakespeare。\"Iwasmightygladthatnightthatwewereanimmortalband。Ifithadbeenpossibletokilluswe’dhavediedthenandthere。\"
\"That’sallright，\"saidNero，withasignificantshakeofhishead。
\"AsmyfriendBaconmakesIngosay，’Beware，mylord，ofjealousy。’
Younevercouldplayagardenhose，muchlessafiddle。\"
\"WhatdoyoumeanmyattributingthosewordstoBacon？\"demandedShakespeare，gettingredintheface。
\"Oh，comenow，William，\"remonstratedNero。\"It’sallrighttopullthewoolovertheeyesofthemortals。That’swhatthey’retherefor；butasforus——we’reallinthesecrethere。What’stheuseofputtingonnonsensewithus？\"
\"We’llseeinaminutewhattheuseis，\"retortedtheAvonian。
\"We’llhaveBacondownhere。\"Herehetouchedanelectricbutton，andCharoncameinanswer。
\"Charon，bringDoctorJohnsontheusualglassofale。GetsomeicefortheEmperor，andaskLordBacontostepdownhereaminute。\"
\"Idon’twantanyice，\"saidNero。
\"Notnow，\"retortedShakespeare，\"butyouwillinafewminutes。
Whenwehavefinishedwithyou，you’llwantaniceberg。I’mgettingtiredofthisidiotictalkaboutnothavingwrittenmyownworks。
There’sonethingaboutNero’smusicthatI’veneversaid，becauseI
haven’twantedtohurthisfeelings，butsincehehaschosentocastaspersionsuponmyhonestyIhaven’tanyhesitationinsayingitnow。
IbelieveitwasoneofhisfiddlingsthatsentNatureintoconvulsionsandcausedthedestructionofPompeii——sothere!Putthatonyourmusicrackandfiddleit，mylittleEmperor。\"
Nero’sfacegrewpurplewithanger，andifShakespearehadbeenanythingbutashadehewouldhavefaredill，fortheenragedRoman，poisinghiscueonhighasthoughitwerealance，hurleditattheimpertinentdramatistwithallhisstrength，andwithsuchaccuracyofaimwithalthatitpiercedthespotbeneathwhichinlifetheheartofShakespeareusedtobeat。
\"Goodshot，\"saidDoctorJohnson，nonchalantly。\"Ifyouhadbeenamortal，William，itwouldhavebeentheendofyou。\"
\"Youcan’tkillme，\"saidShakespeare，shrugginghisshoulders。\"I
knowsevendozenactorsintheUnitedStateswhoaretryingtodoit，buttheycan’t。Iwishthey’dtrytokillacriticonceinawhileinsteadofme，though，\"headded。\"IwentovertoBostononenightlastweek，and，unknowntoanybody，IwaylaidafellowwhowastoplayHamletthatnight。Idruggedhim，andwenttothetheatreandplayedthepartmyself。Itwasthecoldesthouseyoueversawinyourlife。Whentheaudiencedidapplaud，itsoundedlikeanice—manchoppingupicewithasmallpick。SeveraltimesIlookedupatthegalleriestoseeiftherewerenoticiclesgrowingonthem，itwassocold。Well，Ididthebestcouldwiththepart，andnextmorningwatchedcuriouslyforthecriticisms。\"
\"Favorable？\"askedtheDoctor。
\"Theyalldismissedmewithaline，\"saidthedramatist。\"SaidmyconceptionofthepartwasnotShakespearian。Andthat’scriticism!\"
\"No，\"saidtheshadeofEmerson，whichhadstrolledinwhileShakespearewastalking，\"thatisn’tcriticism；that’sBoston。\"
\"WhodiscoveredBoston，anyhow？\"askedDoctorJohnson。\"Itwasn’tColumbus，wasit？\"
\"Ohno，\"saidEmerson。\"OldGovernorWinthropistoblameforthat。
WhenhesettledatCharlestownhesawtheoldIndiantownofShawmutacrosstheCharles。\"
\"AndShawmutwastheBostonmicrobe，wasit？\"askedJohnson。
\"Yes，\"saidEmerson。
\"SpeltwithaP，Isuppose？\"saidShakespeare。\"P—S—H—A—W，Pshaw，M—
U—T，mut，Pshawmut，socalledbecausetheinhabitantsarealwaysmutteringpshaw。Eh？\"
\"Prettygood，\"saidJohnson。\"IwishI’dsaidthat。\"
\"Well，tellBoswell，\"saidShakespeare。\"He’llmakeyousayit，andit’llbeallthesameinahundredyears。\"
LordBacon，accompaniedbyCharonandtheiceforNeroandthealeforDoctorJohnson，appearedasShakespearespoke。ThephilosopherbowedstifflyatDoctorJohnson，asthoughhehardlyapprovedofhim，extendedhislefthandtoShakespeare，andstaredcoldlyatNero。
\"Didyousendforme，William？\"heasked，languidly。
\"Idid，\"saidShakespeare。\"IsentforyoubecausethisimperialviolinistheresaysthatyouwroteOthello。\"
\"Whatnonsense，\"saidBacon。\"TheonlyplaysofyoursIwrotewereHam——\"
\"Sh!\"saidShakespeare，shakinghisheadmadly。\"Hush。Nobody’ssaidanythingaboutthat。ThisispurelyadiscussionofOthello。\"
\"Thefiddlingex—EmperorNero，\"saidBacon，loudlyenoughtobeheardallabouttheroom，\"ismistakenwhenheattributesOthellotome。\"
\"Aha，MasterNero!\"criedShakespearetriumphantly。\"WhatdidItellyou？\"
\"ThenIerred，thatisall，\"saidNero。\"AndIapologize。Butreally，myLord，\"headded，addressingBacon，\"IfanciedIdetectedyourfineItalianhandinthat。\"
\"No。IhadnothingtodowiththeOthello，\"saidBacon。\"Ineverreallyknewwhowroteit。\"
\"Nevermindaboutthat，\"whisperedShakespeare。\"You’vesaidenough。\"
\"That’sgoodtoo，\"saidNero，withachuckle。\"Shakespearehereclaimsitashisown。\"
BaconsmiledandnoddedapprovinglyattheblushingAvonian。
\"Willalwayswashavinghislittlejoke，\"hesaid。\"Eh，Will？Howwefooled’emonHamlet，eh，myboy？Ha—ha—ha!Itwasthegreatestjokeofthecentury。\"
\"Well，thelaughisonyou，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"IfyouwroteHamletanddidn’thavethesensetoacknowledgeit，youpresenttomymindacloserresemblancetoSimpleSimonthantoSocrates。Formypart，Idon’tbelieveyoudidwriteit，andIdobelievethatShakespearedid。Icantellthatbythespellingintheoriginaledition。\"
\"Shakespearewasmystenographer，gentlemen，\"saidLordBacon。\"Ifyouwanttoknowthewholetruth，hedidwriteHamlet，literally。
Butitwasatmydictation。\"
\"Idenyit，\"saidShakespeare。\"Iadmityougavemeasuggestionnowandthensoastokeepitdullandheavyinspots，sothatitwouldseemmorelikearealtragedythanacomedypunctuatedwithdeaths，butbeyondthatyouhadnothingtodowithit。\"
\"IsidewithShakespeare，\"putinEmerson。\"I’veseenhisautographs，andnosanepersonwouldemployamanwhowrotesuchavillanouslybadhandasanamanuensis。It’snouse，Bacon，weknowathingortwo。I’maNew—Englander，Iam。\"
\"Well，\"saidBacon，shrugginghisshouldersasthoughtheresultsofthecontroversywereimmaterialtohim，\"haveitsoifyouplease。
Thereisn’tanymoneyinShakespearethesedays，sowhat’stheuseofquarrelling？IwroteHamlet，andShakespeareknowsit。Othersknowit。Ah，herecomesSirWalterRaleigh。We’llleaveittohim。Hewascognizantofthewholeaffair。\"
\"Ileaveittonobody，\"saidShakespeare，sulkily。
\"What’sthetrouble？\"askedRaleigh，saunteringupandtakingachairunderthecue—rack。\"Talkingpolitics？\"
\"Notwe，\"saidBacon。\"It’stheoldquestionabouttheauthorshipofHamlet。Will，asusual，claimsitforhimself。He’llbesayinghewroteGenesisnext。\"
\"Well，whatifhedoes？\"laughedRaleigh。\"WeallknowWillandhisdrollways。\"
\"Nodoubt，\"putinNero。\"ButthequestionofHamletalwaysexciteshimsothatwe’dliketohaveitsettledonceandforallastowhowroteit。Baconsaysyouknow。\"
\"Ido，\"saidRaleigh。
\"Thensettleitonceandforall，\"saidBacon。\"I’mrathertiredofthediscussionmyself。\"
\"ShallItell’em，Shakespeare？\"askedRaleigh。
\"It’simmaterialtome，\"saidShakespeare，airily。\"Ifyouwish——
onlytellthetruth。\"
\"Verywell，\"saidRaleigh，lightingacigar。\"I’mnotashamedofit。
Iwrotethethingmyself。\"
Therewasaroaroflaughterwhich，whenitsubsided，foundShakespearerapidlydisappearingthroughthedoor，whilealltheothersintheroomorderedvariousbeveragesattheexpenseofLordBacon。
CHAPTERIII：WASHINGTONGIVESADINNER
ItwasWashington’sBirthday，andthegentlemanwhohadthepleasureofbeingFatherofhisCountrydecidedtocelebrateitattheAssociatedShades’floatingpalaceontheStyx，astheElysiumWeeklyGossip，\"aJournalofSociety，\"calledit，bygivingadinnertoaselectnumberoffriends。AmongtheinvitedguestswereBaronMunchausen，DoctorJohnson，Confucius，NapoleonBonaparte，Diogenes，andPtolemy。Boswellwasalsopresent，butnotasaguest。Hehadatableofftoonesidealltohimself，anduponittherewerenochinaplates，silverspoons，knives，forks，anddishesoffruit，butpads，pens，andinkingreatquantity。ItwasevidentthatBoswell’sreportorialdutiesdidnotendwithhislaborsinthemundanesphere。
Thedinnerwassetdowntobeginatseveno’clock，sothattheguests，aswasproper，saunteredslowlyinbetweenthathourandeight。Themenuwasparticularlychoice，theshadesofcountlesscanvas—backducks，terrapin，andsheephavingbeencalledintorequisition，andcookedbynolessapersonthanBrillat—Savarin，inthehottestovenhecouldfindinthefamouscookingestablishmentsuperintendedbythegovernment。Washingtonwasonhandearly，samplingtheolivesandtheceleryandthewines，andgivingtoCharonfinalinstructionsastothemannerinwhichhewishedthingsserved。
ThefirstguesttoarrivewasConfucius，andafterhimcameDiogenes，thelatteringreatexcitementoverhavingdiscoveredacomparativelyhonestman，whosename，however，hehadnotbeenabletoascertain，thoughhewasundertheimpressionthatitwassomethinglikeBurpin，orTurpin，hesaid。
Ateightthebrilliantcompanywasarrangedcomfortablyabouttheboard。Anorchestraoffive，undertheleadershipofMozart，discoursedsweetmusicbehindascreen，andthefeastofreasonandflowofsoulbegan。
\"Thisisagreatday，\"saidDoctorJohnson，assistinghimselfcopiouslytotheolives。
\"Yes，\"saidColumbus，whowasalsoaguest——\"yes，itisagreatday，butitisn’tamarkertoalittledayinOctoberIwotof。\"
\"Stillsoreonthatpoint？\"queriedConfucius，tryingtheedgeofhisknifeontheshadeofasaltedalmond。
\"Ohno，\"saidColumbus，calmly。\"Idon’tfeeljealousofWashington。
HeistheFatherofhisCountryandIamnot。Ionlydiscoveredtheorphan。Iknewthecountrybeforeithadafatheroramother。
Therewasn’tanybodywhowaswillingtobeevenasistertoitwhenI
knewit。ButG。W。heretookitinhand，groomeditdown，spankeditwhenitneededit，andstarteditoffonthecareerwhichhasmadeitworthwhileformetoletmynamebeknowninconnectionwithit。
WhyshouldIbejealousofhim？\"
\"IamsureIdon’tknowwhyanybodyanywhereshouldbejealousofanybodyelseanyhow，\"saidDiogenes。\"IneverwasandIneverexpecttobe。Jealousyisaqualitythatisutterlyforeigntothenatureofanhonestman。Takemyowncase，forinstance。WhenIwaswhattheycallalive，howdidIlive？\"
\"Idon’tknow，\"saidDoctorJohnson，turninghisheadashespokesothatBoswellcouldnotfailtohear。\"Iwasn’tthere。\"
Boswellnoddedapprovingly，chuckledslightly，andputtheDoctor’sremarkdownforpublicationinTheGossip。
\"You’redoubtlessright，there，\"retortedDiogenes。\"Whatyoudon’tknowwouldfillacirculatinglibrary。Well——Ilivedinatub。Now，ifIbelievedinenvy，IsupposeyouthinkI’dbeenviousofpeoplewholiveinbrownstonefrontswithbackyardsandmortgages，eh？\"
\"I’dratherliveunderamortgagethaninatub，\"saidBonaparte，contemptuously。
\"Iknowyouwould，\"saidDiogenes。\"Mortgagesneverbotheredyou——
butIwouldn’t。Inthefirstplace，mytubwaswarm。Ineversawahousewithabrownstonefrontthatwas，exceptinsummer，andthentheownercurseditbecauseitwasso。Mytubhadnoplumbinginittogetoutoforder。Ithadn’tanyflightsofstairsinitthathadtobeclimbedafterdinner，orlateatnightwhenIcamehomefromtheclub。Ithadnofrontdoorwithawanderingkey—holecalculatedtoeludethekeyninety—ninetimesoutofeveryhundredeffortstobringthetwotogetherandreconciletheirdifferences，inorderthattheirownermaygetintohisownhouselateatnight。Itwasn’tchaineddowntoanyparticularneighborhood，asaremostbrownstonefronts。Iftheneighborhoodrandown，Icouldmovemytuboffintoabetterneighborhood，anditneverlostvaluethroughthedeteriorationofitslocation。Ineverhadtopaytaxesonit，andnoburglarwaseversohardupthathethoughtofbreakingintomyhabitationtorobme。SowhyshouldIbejealousofthebrownstone—
housedwellers？Iamaphilosopher，gentlemen。Itellyou，philosophyisthethiefofjealousy，andIhadthegood—lucktofinditoutearlyinlife。\"
\"Thereismuchinwhatyousay，\"saidConfucius。\"Butthere’sanothersidetothematter。Ifamanisanaristocratbynature，asIwas，hisneighborhoodnevercouldrundown。Whereverhelivedwouldbetheswellsection，sothatreallyyourlastargumentisn’tworthastewedicicle。\"
\"Stewediciclesareprettygood，though，\"saidBaronMunchausen，withanecstaticsmackofhislips。\"I’veeatenthemmanyatimeinthepolarregions。\"
\"Ihavenodoubtofit，\"putinDoctorJohnson。\"You’veeatenfriedpyramidsinAfrica，too，haven’tyou？\"
\"Onlyonce，\"saidtheBaron，calmly。\"AndIcan’tsayIenjoyedthem。Theyareratherheavyforthedigestion。\"
\"That’sso，\"saidPtolemy。\"I’vehadexperiencewithpyramidsmyself。\"
\"Youneverateone，didyou，Ptolemy？\"queriedBonaparte。
\"Notraw，\"saidPtolemy，withachuckle。\"ThoughI’vebeentemptedmanyatimetocallforasecondjointoftheSphinx。\"
Therewasalaughatthis，inwhichallbutBaronMunchausenjoined。
\"Ithinkitistoobad，\"saidtheBaron，asthelaughtersubsided——\"I
thinkitisverymuchtoobadthatyoushadeshavebroughtmundaneprejudicewithyouintothissphere。Justbecausesomepeoplewithfinitemindsprofesstodisbelievemystories，youthinkitwelltobescepticalyourselves。Idon’tcare，however，whetheryoubelievemeornot。ThefactremainsthatIhaveeatenonefriedpyramidandcountlessstewedicicles，andthestewedicicleswerefinerthananydiamond—backratConfuciuseverhadservedatastatebanquet。\"
\"Where’sShakespeareto—night？\"askedConfucius，seeingthattheBaronwasbeginningtolosehistemper，andwishingtoavoidtroublebychangingthesubject。\"Wasn’theinvited，General？\"
\"Yes，\"saidWashington，\"hewasinvited，buthecouldn’tcome。Hehadtogoovertherivertoconsultwithanautographsyndicatethey’veformedinNewYork。Youknow，hisautographssellforaboutonethousanddollarsapiece，andthey’retryingtogetupaschemewherebyheshallcontributeanautographaweektothesyndicate，tobesoldtothepublic。Itseemslikearichscheme，butthere’sonethingintheway。Posthumousautographshaven’tverymuchofamarket，becausethemortalscan’tbemadetobelievethattheyaregenuine；butthesyndicatehasgotamanatworktryingtogetoverthat。TheseYankeesareamightyinventivelot，andtheythinkperhapstheschemecanbeworked。TheYankeeISaninventivegenius。\"
\"ItwasaYankeeinventedthattaleaboutyournotbeingabletoprevaricate，wasn’tit，George？\"askedDiogenes。
Washingtonsmiledacquiescence，andDoctorJohnsonreturnedtoShakespeare。
\"I’dratherhaveamorning—gloryvinethanoneofShakespeare’sautographs，\"saidhe。\"Theyarefarprettier，andquiteaslegible。\"
\"Mortalswouldn’t，\"saidBonaparte。
\"Whatfoolstheybe!\"chuckledJohnson。
Atthispointthecanvas—backduckswereserved，onewholeshadeofabirdforeachguest。
\"Fallto，gentlemen，\"saidWashington，gazinghungrilyathisbird。
\"Whencanvas—backducksareonthetableconversationisnotrequiredofanyone。\"
\"Itisfortunateforusthatwehavesoconsiderateahost，\"saidConfucius，unfasteninghisrobeandpreparingtodojusticetothefaresetbeforehim。\"Ihavedinedoften，butneverbeforewithonewhowaswillingtoletmeeatabirdlikethisinsilence。
Washington，here’stoyou。Mayyourlifebechequeredwithbirthdays，andmayoursbeequallywellsuppliedwithfeastslikethisatyourexpense!\"
Thetoastwasdrained，andthedinersfelltoasrequested。
\"They’regreat，aren’tthey？\"whisperedBonapartetoMunchausen。
\"Well，rather，\"returnedtheBaron。\"Idon’tseewhythemortalsdon’terectastatuetothecanvas—back。\"
\"Didanybodyatthisboardeverhaveasmuchcanvas—backduckashecouldeat？\"askedDoctorJohnson。
\"Yes，\"saidtheBaron。\"Idid。Once。\"
\"Oh，you!\"sneeredPtolemy。\"You’vehadeverything。\"
\"Exceptthemumps，\"retortedMunchausen。\"But，honestly，Ididoncehaveasmuchcanvas—backduckasIcouldeat。\"
\"Itmusthavecostyouamillion，\"saidBonaparte。\"Buteventhenthey’dbecheap，especiallytoamanlikeyourselfwhocouldperformmiracles。IfIcouldhaveperformedmiracleswiththeeasewhichwassocharacteristicofallyourefforts，I’dneverhavediedatSt。
Helena。\"
\"What’stheoddswhereyoudied？\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Ifithadn’tbeenatSt。Helenaitwouldhavebeensomewhereelse，andyou’dhavefounddeathasstuffyinoneplaceasinanother。\"
\"Don’tlet’stalkofdeath，\"saidWashington。\"IamsuretheBaron’staleofhowhecametohaveenoughcanvas—backismorediverting。\"
\"I’venodoubtitismoreperverting，\"saidJohnson。
\"Ithappenedthisway，\"saidMunchausen。\"Iwasoutforsport，andI
gotit。Iwasalone，myservanthavingfallenill，whichwasunfortunate，sinceIhadalwaysleftthefillingofmycartridge—boxtohim，andunderestimateditscapacity。Istartedatsixinthemorning，and，nothavinghuntedforseveralmonths，wasnotinverygoodform，so，nogameappearingforatime，Itookafewpracticeshots，tryingtosnipofftheslendertopsofthepine—treesthatI
encounteredwithmybullets，succeedingtolerablywellforonewhowasalittlerusty，bringingdownninety—nineoutofthefirstonehundredandone，andmissingtheremainingtwobysuchaclosemarginthattheyswayedtoandfroasthoughfannedbyaslightbreeze。AsIfiredmyonehundredandfirstshotwhatshouldIseebeforemebutaflockofthesedelicatebirdsfloatingupontheplacidwatersofthebay!\"
\"WasthistheBayofBiscay，Baron？\"queriedColumbus，withacovertsmileatPtolemy。
\"Icountedthem，\"saidtheBaron，ignoringthequestion，\"andtherewerejustsixty—eight。’Here’sachancefortherecord，Baron，’saidItomyself，andthenImadereadytoshootthem。Imaginemydismay，gentlemen，whenIdiscoveredthatwhileIhadplentyofpowderleftI
hadusedupallmybullets。Now，asyoumayimagine，toamanwithnobulletsathand，thesightofsixty—eightfatcanvas—backsishardlyencouraging，butIwasresolvedtohaveeveryoneofthosebirds；thequestionwas，howshallIdoit？Inevercanthinkonwater，soIpaddledquietlyashoreandbegantoreflect。AsIlaytheredeepinthought，Isawlyinguponthebeachbeforemeasuperboyster，andasreflectionmakesmehungryIseizeduponthebivalveandswallowedhim。Ashewentdownsomethingstuckinmythroat，and，extricatingit，whatshoulditprovetobebutapearlofsurpassingbeauty。Myfirstthoughtwastobecontentwithmyday’sfind。Apearlworththousandssurelywasenoughtosatisfythemostardentloverofsport；butonlookingupIsawthoseducksstillpaddlingcontentedlyabout，andIcouldnotbringmyselftogivethemup。Suddenlytheideacame，thepearlisaslargeasabullet，andfullyasround。Whynotuseit？Then，asthoughtscometomeinshoals，Inextreflected，’Ah——butthisisonlyonebulletasagainstsixty—eightbirds：’immediatelyathirdthoughtcame，’whynotshootthemallwithasinglebullet？Itispossible，thoughnotprobable。’
Isnatchedoutapadofpaperandapencil，madearapidcalculationbasedonthedoctrineofchances，andprovedtomyownsatisfactionthatatsometimeoranotherwithinthefollowingtwoweeksthosebirdswoulddoubtlessbesittinginastraightlineandpaddlingabout，Indianfile，foraninstant。Iresolvedtoawaitthatinstant。Iloadedmygunwiththepearlandasufficientquantityofpowdertosendthechargethrougheveryoneoftheducksif，perchance，thefirstduckwereproperlyhit。Topassoverwearisomedetails，letmesaythatithappenedjustasIexpected。Ihadoneweekandsixdaystowait，butfinallythecriticalmomentcame。Itwasatmidnight，butfortunatelythemoonwasatthefull，andI
couldseeasplainlyasthoughithadbeenday。ThemomenttheduckswereinlineIaimedandfired。Theyeveryonesquawked，turnedover，anddied。Mypearlhadpiercedthewholesixty—eight。\"
Boswellblushed。
\"Ahem!\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Itwasapitytolosethepearl。\"
\"That，\"saidMunchausen，\"wasthemostinterestingpartofthestory。
Ihadmadeasecondcalculationinordertosavethepearl。I
deducedtheamountofpowdernecessarytosendthegemthroughsixty—
sevenandahalfbirds，andmydeductionwasstrictlyaccurate。Itfulfilleditsmissionofdeathonsixty—sevenandwasfoundburiedintheheartofthesixty—eighth，atriflediscolored，butstillapearl，andworthaking’sransom。\"
Napoleongaveaderisivelaugh，andtheotherguestssatwithincredulitydepicteduponeverylineoftheirfaces。
\"Doyoubelievethatstoryyourself，Baron？\"askedConfucius。
\"Whynot？\"askedtheBaron。\"Isthereanythingimprobableinit？
Whyshouldyoudisbelieveit？LookatourfriendWashingtonhere。
Isthereanyoneherewhoknowsmoreabouttruththanhedoes？Hedoesn’tdisbelieveit。He’stheonlymanatthistablewhotreatsmelikeamanofhonor。\"
\"He’shostandhasto，\"saidJohnson，shrugginghisshoulders。
\"Well，Washington，letmeputthedirectquestiontoyou，\"saidtheBaron。\"Sayyouaren’thostandareundernoobligationtobecourteous。DoyoubelieveIhaven’tbeentellingthetruth？\"
\"MydearMunchausen，\"saidtheGeneral，\"don’taskme。I’mnotanauthority。Ican’ttellalie——notevenwhenIhearone。Ifyousayyourstoryistrue，Imustbelieveit，ofcourse；but——ah——really，ifIwereyou，Iwouldn’ttellitagainunlessIcouldproducethepearlandthewish—boneofoneoftheducksatleast。\"
Whereupon，asthediscussionwasbeginningtogrowacrimonious，WashingtonhailedCharon，and，orderingaboat，invitedhisgueststoaccompanyhimoverintotheworldofrealities，wheretheypassedthebalanceoftheeveninghauntingavaudevilleperformanceatoneoftheLondonmusic—halls。
CHAPTERIV：HAMLETMAKESASUGGESTION
ItwasabeautifulnightontheStyx，andthesilverysurfaceofthatpicturesquestreamwasdottedwithgondolas，canoes，andothercrafttoanextentthatmadeCharonfeellikeahighlyprosperoussavings—
bank。Withinthehouse—boatweregatheredamerryparty，someofwhomwereonmerepleasurebent，othersofwhomhadcometolistentoadebate，forwhichtheentertainmentcommitteehadprovided，betweenthevenerablepatriarchNoahandthelateeminentshowmanP。T。
Barnum。Thequestiontobedebatedwasupontheresolutionpassedbythecommittee，that\"TheAnimalsoftheAntediluvianPeriodwereFarMoreAttractiveforShowPurposesthanthoseofModernMake，\"and，singulartorelate，theaffirmativewasplacedinthehandsofMr。
Barnum，whiletoNoahhadfallenthetaskofupholdingthevirtuesofthemodernfreak。Itiswiththepartyonmerepleasurebentthatwehavetodouponthisoccasion。Theproceedingsofthedebating—partyareasyetinthehandsoftheofficialstenographer，butwillbemadepublicassoonastheyareready。
Thepleasure—seekinggroupweregatheredinthesmoking—roomoftheclub，whichwas，indeed，asmoking—roomofanovelsort，theinventionofanunknownshade，whohadsoldalltherightstotheclubthroughathirdparty，anonymously，preferring，itseemed，toremainintheElysianworld，ashehadbeeninthemundanesphere，amuteingloriousEdison。Itwasasimpleenoughscheme，and，forawonder，nooneintheworldofsubstantialitieshasthoughttotakeitup。Thesmokewasstoredinreservoirs，justasifitweresomuchgasorwater，andwassuppliedonthehot—airfurnaceprinciplefromahugefurnaceintheholdofthehouse—boat，intowhichtobaccowasshovelledbythehiredmanoftheclubnightandday。Thesmokefromthefurnace，carriedthroughfluestothesmoking—room，wastherereceivedandstoredinthereservoirs，witheachofwhichwasconnectedonedozenrubbertubes，havingattheirendsambermouth—
pieces。Uponeachofthesemouth—pieceswasarrangedasmallmeterregisteringtheamountofsmokeconsumedthroughit，andforthistheconsumerpaidsomuchafoot。Thevalueoftheplanwasthreefold。
Itdidawayentirelywithashes，itsavedtotheconsumersthevalueoftheunconsumedtobaccothatisrepresentedbytheunsmokedcigarends，anditavertedthepossibilityofcigarettes。
EnjoyingthebenefitsofthisarrangementupontheeveninginquestionwereShakespeare，Cicero，HenryVIII。，DoctorJohnson，andothers。OfcourseBoswellwaspresenttoo，foramoment，withhisnote—book，andthisfactevokedsomecriticismfromseveralofthesmokers。
\"Yououghttobeup—stairsinthelecture—room，Boswell，\"saidShakespeare，asthegreatbiographertookhisseatbehindhisfriendtheDoctor。\"Doesn’ttheGossipwantareportofthedebate？\"
\"Itdoes，\"saidBoswell；\"buttheGossipendeavorsalwaystogetthemostinterestingitemsoftheday，andDoctorJohnsonhasinformedmethatheexpectstobeunusuallywittythisevening，soIhavecomehere。\"
\"Excusemeforsayingit，Boswell，\"saidtheDoctor，gettingredinthefaceoverthisunexpectedconfession，\"but，really，youtalktoomuch。\"
\"That’sgood，\"saidCicero。\"Stickthatdown，Boz，andprintit。
It’sthebestthingJohnsonhassaidthisweek。\"
Boswellsmiledweakly，andsaid：\"But，Doctor，youdidsaythat，youknow。Icanproveit，too，foryoutoldmesomeofthethingsyouweregoingtosay。Don’tyouremember，youweregoingtoleadShakespeareuptomakingtheremarkthathethoughttheEnglishlanguagewasthegreatestlanguageincreation，whereuponyouweregoingtoaskhimwhyhedidn’tlearnit？\"
\"Getoutofhere，youidiot!\"roaredtheDoctor。\"You’reenoughtogiveamanapoplexy。\"
\"You’renotgoingbackontheladderbywhichyouhaveclimbed，areyou，Samuel？\"queriedBoswell，earnestly。
\"Thewha—a—t？\"criedtheDoctor，angrily。\"Theladder——onwhichI
climbed？You？Greatheavens!Thatitshouldcometothis!……
Leavetheroom——instantly!Ladder!Byallthatisbeautiful——theladderuponwhichI，SamuelJohnson，thetallestpersoninletters，haveclimbed!Go!Doyouhear？\"
Boswellrosemeekly，and，withtearscoursingdownhischeeks，lefttheroom。
\"That’soneonyou，Doctor，\"saidCicero，wrappinghistogaabouthim。\"Ithinkyououghttoorderupthreebasketsofchampagneonthat。\"
\"I’llorderupthreebasketsfullofBoswell’sremainsifheeverdaresspeaklikethatagain!\"retortedtheDoctor，shakingwithanger。\"He——myladder——why，it’sridiculous。\"
\"Yes，\"saidShakespeare，dryly。\"That’swhywelaugh。\"
\"Youwerealittlehardonhim，Doctor，\"saidHenryVIII。\"Hewasavaluablemantoyou。Hehadagreateyeforyourgreatness。\"
\"Yes。Ifthere’sanyfeatureofBoswellthat’sgreaterthanhisnoseandears，it’shisgreatI，\"saidtheDoctor。
\"You’dratherhavehimchangehisItoaU，Ipresume，\"saidNapoleon，quietly。
TheDoctorwavedhishandimpatiently。\"Let’sdrophim，\"hesaid。