\"Droppingone’sbiographerisn’twithoutprecedent。AssoonasanymanevergottoknowNapoleonwellenoughtowritehimuphesenthimtothefront，wherehecouldgetalittleleadinhissystem。\"
\"IwishIhadhadaBoswellallthesame，\"saidShakespeare。\"Thentheworldwouldhaveknownthetruthaboutme。\"
\"Itwouldn’tifhe’dreliedonyourwordforit，\"retortedtheDoctor。\"Hullo!here’sHamlet。\"
AstheDoctorspoke，inverytruththemelancholyDaneappearedinthedoorway，moremelancholyofaspectthanever。
\"What’sthematterwithyou？\"askedCicero，addressingthenew—comer。
\"Haven’tyougotthatpoisonoutofyoursystemyet？\"
\"Notentirely，\"saidHamlet，withasigh；\"butitisn’tthatthat’sbotheringme。It’sFate。\"
\"We’llgetoutaninjunctionagainstFateifyoulike，\"saidBlackstone。\"Isitpersecution，orhaveyoudeservedit？\"
\"Ithinkit’spersecution，\"saidHamlet。\"IneverwrongedFateinmylife，andwhysheshouldpursuemelikeademonthroughalleternityisathingIcan’tunderstand。\"
\"MaybeOpheliaisbackofit，\"suggestedDoctorJohnson。\"Thesewomenhaveagreatdealofsympathyforeachother，and，candidly，I
thinkyoubehavedprettyrudelytoOphelia。It’sapoorwaytoshowyourloveforayoungwoman，runningaswordthroughherfathereverynightforpay，anddrivingthegirltosuicidewithequalfrequency，justtoshowtheatre—goerswhatasmartlittleDaneyoucanbeifyoutry。\"
\"’Tisn’tmedoesallthat，\"returnedHamlet。\"Ionlydiditonce，andeventhenitwasn’tasbadasShakespearemadeitouttobe。\"
\"Iputitdownjustasitwas，\"saidShakespeare，hotly，\"andyoucan’tdisputeit。\"
\"Yes，hecan，\"saidYorick。\"YoumadehimtellHoratioheknewmewell，andhenevermetmeinhislife。\"
\"InevertoldHoratioanythingofthesort，\"saidHamlet。\"Ineverenteredthegraveyardeven，andIcanproveanalibi。\"
\"And，what’smore，hecouldn’thavemadetheremarkthewayShakespearehasit，anyhow，\"saidYorick，\"andforaverygoodreason。Iwasn’tburiedinthatgraveyard，andHamletandIcanproveanalibifortheskull，too。\"
\"Itwasagoodplay，justthesame，\"saidCicero。
\"Very，\"putinDoctorJohnson。\"Itcuredmeofinsomnia。\"
\"Well，ifyoudon’ttalkinyoursleep，theplaydidaChristianservicetotheworld，\"retortedShakespeare。\"But，really，Hamlet，I
thoughtIdidthesquarethingbyyouinthatplay。Imeantto，anyhow；andifithasmadeyouunhappy，I’mhonestlysorry。\"
\"Spokenlikeaman，\"saidYorick。
\"Idon’tmindtheplaysomuch，\"saidHamlet，\"butthewayI’mrepresentedbythesefellowswhoplayitisthethingthatrubsmethewrongway。Why，Ievenhearthatthere’satroupeoutinthewesternpartoftheUnitedStatesthatputsthethingonwiththreeHamlets，twoghosts，andapairofblood—hounds。It’scalledtheUncle—Tom—HamletCombination，andinsteadofmyfallinginlovewithonecrazyOphelia，IammadetowoothreeduskymaniacsnamedTopsyonacanvasice—floe，whiletheblood—houndsbarkbehindthescenes。
Whatsortoftreatmentisthatforamanofroyallineage？\"
\"It’sprettyrough，\"saidNapoleon。\"Asthepoetoughttohavesaid，’Oh，Hamlet，Hamlet，whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname!’\"
\"IfeelasbadlyabouttheplayasHamletdoes，\"saidShakespeare，afteramomentofsilentthought。\"Idon’tbothermuchaboutthiswildWesternbusiness，though，becauseIthinktheintroductionofthebloodhoundsandtheTopsiesmakesusbothmorepopularinthatregionthanweshouldbeotherwise。WhatIobjecttoisthewaywearetreatedbytheseso—calledfirst—classintellectualactorsinLondonandothergreatcities。I’veseenHamletdonebeforeahighlycultivatedaudience，and，byJove，itmademeblush。\"
\"Metoo，\"sighedHamlet。\"Ihaveseenamanwhohadawalkonhimthatsuggestedspring—haltandlocomotorataxiacombinedimpersonatingmygracefulselfinamannerthatdrovemealmostcrazy。I’veheardmy’Tobeornottobe’soliloquyutteredbyafamoustragedianintonesthatwouldmakeagraveyardyawnatmid—
day，andiftherewasanywayinwhichIcouldgetevenwiththatmanI’ddoit。\"
\"Itseemstome，\"saidBlackstone，assumingforthemomentahighlyjudicialmanner——\"itseemstomethatShakespeare，havinggotyouintothistrouble，oughttogetyououtofit。\"
\"Buthow？\"saidShakespeare，earnestly。\"That’sthepoint。HeavenknowsI’mwillingenough。\"
Hamlet’sfacesuddenlybrightenedasthoughilluminatedwithanidea。
ThenhebegantodanceabouttheroomwithanexpressionofgleethatannoyedDoctorJohnsonexceedingly。
\"IwishDarwincouldseeyounow，\"theDoctorgrowled。\"Akodakpictureofyouwouldprovehisargumentsconclusively。\"
\"Railon，Ophilosopher!\"retortedHamlet。\"Railon!Imindyourrailingsnot，forIthegermofanideahavegot。\"
\"Well，goquarantineyourself，\"saidtheDoctor。\"I’dhatetohaveoneofyourideamicrobesgetholdofme。\"
\"What’sthescheme？\"askedShakespeare。
\"YoucanwriteaplayforME!\"criedHamlet。\"Makeitafarce—
tragedy。Takethemodernplayerforyourhero，andletMEplayHIM。
I’llbaithimthroughfouracts。I’llimitatehiswalk。I’llcultivatehisvoice。We’llhavethefirstactatankact，anddroptheherointothetank。Thesecondactcanbeinasaw—mill，andwecancuthishairoffonabuzz—saw。Thethirdactcanintroduceaspile—driverwithwhichtodrivehishatoverhiseyesandknockhisbrainsdownintohislungs。ThefourthactcanbeatNiagaraFalls，andwe’llsendhimoverthefalls；andforagrandclimaxwecanhavehimguillotinedjustafterhehasswallowedaquartofprussicacidandaspoonfulofpowderedglass。Dothatforme，William，andyouareforgiven。I’llplayitforsixhundrednightsinLondon，fortwoyearsinNewYork，androundupwithaone—nightstandinBoston。\"
\"Itsoundslikeagoodscheme，\"saidShakespeare，meditatively。
\"Whatshallwecallit？\"
\"CallitIrving，\"saidEugeneAram，whohadentered。\"Itoohavesuffered。\"
\"AndletmebeHamlet’sunderstudy，\"saidCharlestheFirst，earnestly。
\"Done!\"saidShakespeare，callingforapadandpencil。
AndasthesunroseupontheStyxthenextmorningtheBardofAvonwastobeseenwritingacomicchorustobesungoverthemoribundtragedianbytheshadesofCharles，Aram，andothereminentdeceasedheroesofthestage，withwhichhisnewplayofIrvingwastobebroughttoanappropriateclose。
Thisplayhasnotasyetfounditswayupontheboards，butanyenterprisingmanagerwhodesirestoconsideritmayaddressHamlet，TheHouse—Boat，Hades—on—the—Styx。
Heissuretogetareplybyreturnmail，unlessMephistophelesinterferes，whichisnotunlikely，sinceMephistophelesissaidtohavebeenmuchpleasedwiththemannerinwhichtheeminenttragedianhasputhimbeforetheBritishandAmericanpublic。
CHAPTERV：THEHOUSECOMMITTEEDISCUSSTHEPOETS
\"There’sonethingthishouse—boatneeds，\"wroteHomerinthecomplaint—bookthatadornedthecentre—tableinthereading—room，\"andthatisaPoets’Corner。Therearesmoking—roomsforthosewhosmoke，billiard—roomsforthosewhoplaybilliards，andacard—roomforthosewhoplaycards。Idonotsmoke，Ican’tplaybilliards，andIdonotknowatreyofdiamondsfromasilversalver。AllIcandoiswritepoetry。Whydiscriminateagainstme？ByallmeansletushaveaPoets’Corner，whereamancanbeinspiredinpeace。\"
Forfourdaysthisentrylayinthebookapparentlyunnoticed。Onthefifthdaythefollowinglines，signedbySamson，appeared：
\"IapproveofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereshouldbeaPoets’Cornerhere。Thentherestofuscouldhavesomecomfort。Whileplayingvingt—et—unwithDiogenesinthecard—roomonFridayeveningapoeticmemberofthisclubwastakenwithamostviolentfancy，anditrequiredthecombinedeffortsofDiogenesandmyself，assistedbythejanitor，toremovethefrenziedandobjectionablememberfromtheroom。Thehabitsomeofourpoetshaveacquiredofgivingwaytotheirinspirationsallovertheclub—houseshouldbestopped，andI
knowofnobetterwaytoaccomplishthisdesirableendthanbytheadoptionofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereforeIsecondthemotion。\"
OfcoursethesuggestionoftwomemberssoprominentasHomerandSamsoncouldnotwellheignoredbythehousecommittee，anditreluctantlytookthesubjectinhandatanearlymeeting。
\"Ifindhere，\"saidDemosthenestothechairman，asthecommitteegathered，\"asuggestionfromHomerandSamsonthatthishouse—boatbeprovidedwithaPoets’Corner。IdonotknowthatIapproveofthesuggestionmyself，butinordertobringitbeforethecommitteefordebateIamwillingtomakeamotionthattherequestbegranted。\"
\"Excuseme，\"putinDoctorJohnson，\"butwheredoyoufindthatsuggestion？’Here’isnotverydefinite。WhereIS’here’？\"
\"Inthecomplaint—book，whichIholdinmyhand，\"returnedDemosthenes，puttingapebbleinhismouthsothathemightenunciatemoreclearly。
AfrownruffledtheserenityofDoctorJohnson’sbrow。
\"Inthecomplaint—book，eh？\"hesaid，slowly。\"Ithoughthousecommitteeswerenotexpectedtopayanyattentiontocomplaintsincomplaint—books。Ineverheardofitsbeingdonebefore。\"
\"Well，Ican’tsaythatIhaveeither，\"repliedDemosthenes，chewingthoughtfullyonthepebble，\"butIsupposecomplaint—booksaretheplacesforcomplaints。Youdon’texpectpeopletowriteserialstoriesordialectpoemsinthem，doyou？\"
\"Thatisn’tthepoint，asthemansaidtotheassassinwhotriedtostabhimwiththehiltofhisdagger，\"retortedDoctorJohnson，withsomeasperity。\"Ofcourse，complaint—booksareforthereceptionofcomplaints——nobodydisputesthat。WhatIwanttohavedeterminediswhetheritisnecessaryorproperforthecomplaintstogofurther。\"
\"Ifancywehavealegalrighttotakethematterup，\"saidBlackstone，wearily；\"thoughIdon’tknowofanyprecedentforsuchaction。InalltheclubsIhaveknownthehousecommitteeshaveinvariablytakenthegroundthatthecomplaint—bookwasestablishedtoguardthemagainsttheannoyanceofhearingcomplaints。Thisone，however，hasbeenforceduponusbyoursecretary，andinviewoftheageofthecomplainantsIthinkwecannotwelldeclinetogivethemaspecificanswer。Respectforageisderigueuratalltimes，likecleanhands。I’llsecondthemotion。\"
\"IthinkthePoets’Cornerentirelyunnecessary，\"saidConfucius。
\"Thisisn’taclassorganization，andweshouldresistanyefforttomakeitoranyportionofitso。Infact，Iwillgofurtherandstatethatitismyopinionthatifwedoanylegislatinginthematteratall，weoughttodiscourageratherthanencouragethesepoets。Theyarealwayslitteringtheclubupwiththemselves。OnlylastWednesdayIcameherewithaguest——nolessapersonthanarecentlydeceasedEmperorofChina——andwhatwasthefirstsightthatgreetedoureyes？\"
\"Igiveitup，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Itmusthavebeenacatacorneredsight，whateveritwas，iftheEmperor’seyesslantedlikeyours。\"
\"Nopersonalities，please，Doctor，\"saidSirWalterRaleigh，thechairman，rappingthetablevigorouslywiththeshadeofahandsomegavelthathadonceadornedtheRomanSenate—chamber。
\"He’sonlyaChinaman!\"mutteredJohnson。
\"Whatwasthesightthatgreetedyoureyes，Confucius？\"askedCassius。
\"OmarKhayyamstretchedoverfiveofthemostcomfortablechairsinthelibrary，\"returnedConfucius；\"andwhenIventuredtoremonstratewithhimhelosthistemper，andsaidI’dspoiledthewholesecondvolumeoftheRubaiyat。Itoldhimheoughttodohisrubaiyattingathome，andhemadeascene，toavoidwhichIhastenedwithmyguestovertothebilliard—room；andthere，stretchedatfulllengthonthepool—table，wasRobertBurnstryingtowriteasonnetontheclothwithchalkinlesstimethanVilloncouldturnoutanother，withtwolinesstart，onthebilliard—tablewiththesamewritingmaterials。
NowIaskyou，gentlemen，ifthesethingsaretobetolerated？Aretheynotrathertobereprehended，whetherIamaChinamanornot？\"
\"Whatwouldyouhaveusdo，then？\"askedSirWalterRaleigh，alittlenettled。\"Excludepoetsaltogether？Iwasone，remember。\"
\"Oh，butnotmuchofone，SirWalter，\"putinDoctorJohnson，deprecatingly。
\"No，\"saidConfucius。\"Idon’twantthemexcluded，buttheyshouldbecontrolled。Youdon’tletashoemakerwhohasbecomeamemberofthisclubturnthelibrarysofasintobenchesandgopeggingawayatboot—making，sowhyshouldyouletthepoetsturntheplaceintoaversefactory？That’swhatI’dliketoknow。\"
\"Idon’tknowbutwhatyourpointiswelltaken，\"saidBlackstone，\"thoughIcan’tsayIthinkyourparallelsareveryparallel。A
shoemaker，mydearConfucius，issomewhatdifferentfromapoet。\"
\"Certainly，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Verydifferent——infact，differentenoughtomakeaconundrumofthequestion——whatisthedifferencebetweenashoemakerandapoet？Onemakestheshoesandtheothershakesthemuse——allthedifferenceintheworld。Still，I
don’tseehowwecanexcludethepoets。Itistheverydemocracyofthisclubthatgivesitlife。Wetakeineverybody——peer，poet，orwhatnot。Tosaythatthismanshallnotenterbecauseheisthisorthatortheotherthingwouldresultinourultimatelybecomingaclassorganization，which，asConfuciushimselfsays，wearenotandmustnotbe。Ifweputoutthepoettopleasethesage，we’llsoonhavetoputoutthesagetopleasethefool，andsoon。We’llkeepitup，oncetheprecedentisestablished，untilfinallyitwillbecomeaclassclubentirely——aPlumbers’Club，forinstance——andhowabsurdthatwouldbeinHades!No，gentlemen，itcan’tbedone。Thepoetsmustandshallbepreserved。\"
\"What’stheobjectiontoclassclubs，anyhow？\"askedCassius。\"I
don’tobjecttothem。IfwecouldhavehadpoliticalorganizationsinmydayImightnothavehadtofallonmyswordtogetoutofkeepinganengagementIhadnofancyfor。Classclubshavetheiruses。\"
\"Nodoubt，\"saidDemosthenes。\"Havealltheclassclubsyouwant，butdonotmakeoneofthis。AnAuthors’Club，wherenonebutauthorsareadmitted，isagoodthing。Thememberslearntherethatthereareotherauthorsthanthemselves。Poets’Clubsareagoodthing；theybringpoetsintocontactwitheachother，andtheylearnwhataboreitistohavetolistentoapoetreadinghisownpoem。
Pugilists’Clubsaregood；soareallotherclassclubs；butsoalsoareclubslikeourown，whichtakesinallwhoareworthy。Hereapoetcantalkpoetryasmuchashewants，butatthesametimehehearssomethingbesidespoetry。Wemuststicktoouroriginalidea。\"
\"ThenletusdosomethingtoabatethenuisanceofwhichIcomplain，\"
saidConfucius。\"Can’tweadoptahouserulethatpoetsmustnotbeinspiredbetweenthehoursof11A。M。and5P。M。，orintheeveningaftereight；thatanypoetdiscoveredusingmorethanfivearm—chairsinthecompositionofaquatrainwillbechargedtwoobolianhourforeachchairinexcessofthatnumber；andthatthebilliard—markershallberequiredtochargeapremiumofthreetimestheordinaryfeefortablesusedbyversifiersinlieuofwriting—pads？\"
\"Thatwouldn’tbeabadidea，\"saidSirWalterRaleigh。\"I，asapoetwouldnotobjecttothat。Idoallmyworkathome，anyhow。\"
\"There’sanotherphaseofthisbusinessthatwehaven’tconsideredyet，andit’sratherimportant，\"saidDemosthenes，takingafreshpebbleoutofhisbonbonniere。\"That’sinthematterofstationery。
Thisclub，likeallotherwell—regulatedclubs，providesitsmemberswithasuitablesupplyofwritingmaterials。Charoninformsmethatthewaste—basketslastweekturnedoutforty—tworeamsofourbestcorrespondencepaperonwhichthesepoetshadscribbledthefirstdraftoftheirverses。NowIdon’tthinktheclubshouldfurnishthepoetswiththerawmaterialfortheirpoemsanymorethan，togobacktoConfucius’sshoemaker，itshouldsupplyleatherforourcobblers。\"
\"Whatdoyoumeanbyrawmaterialforpoems？\"askedSirWalter，withafrown。
\"Pen，ink，andpaper。Whatelse？\"saidDemosthenes。
\"Doesn’tittakebrainstowriteapoem？\"saidRaleigh。
\"Doesn’tittakebrainstomakeapairofshoes？\"retortedDemosthenes，swallowingapebbleinhishaste。
\"They’vegotarighttothestationery，though，\"putinBlackstone。
\"Aclearlegalrighttoit。Iftheychoosetowritepoemsonthepaperinsteadofboringpeopletodeathwithletters，asmostofusdo，that’stheirownaffair。\"
\"Well，they’reverywasteful，\"saidDemosthenes。
\"Wecanmeetthateasilyenough，\"observedCassius。\"Furnisheachwriting—tablewithaslate。Ishouldthinkthey’dbepleasedwiththat。It’ssomucheasiertoruboutthewrongword。\"
\"Mostpoetsprefertorubouttherightword，\"growledConfucius。
\"Besides，Ishallneverconsenttoslatesinthishouse—boat。Thesqueakingofthepencilswouldbeworsethanthepoemsthemselves。\"
\"That’strue，\"saidCassius。\"Ineverthoughtofthat。Ifadozenpoetsgottoworkonthoseslatesatonce，afifecorpswouldn’tbeacircumstancetothem。\"
\"Well，itallgoestoprovewhatIhavethoughtallalong，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Homer’sideaisagoodone，andSamsonwaswiseinbackingitup。Thepoetsneedtobeconcentratedsomewherewheretheywillnotbeanuisancetootherpeople，andwhereotherpeoplewillnotbeanuisancetothem。Homeroughttohaveaplacetocomposeinwherethevingt—et—unplayerswillnotinterrupthisfrenzies，and，ontheotherhand，thevingt—et—unandotherplayersshouldbeprotectedfromthewooersofthemuse。I’llvotetohavethePoets’Corner，andinitImovethatCassius’sslateideabecarriedout。Itwillbeagreatsaving，andifthecornerweselectbefarenoughawayfromtheothercornersoftheclub，thesqueakingoftheslate—pencilsneedbothernoone。\"
\"Iagreetothat，\"saidBlackstone。\"OnlyIthinkitshouldbeunderstoodthat，ingrantingthepetitionofthepoets，wedonotbindourselvestoyieldtodoctorsandlawyersandshoemakersandplumbersincasetheyshouldeachwantacornertothemselves。\"
\"Averywiseidea，\"saidSirWalter。Whereupontheresolutionwassuitablyworded，andpassedunanimously。
JustwherethePoets’Corneristobelocatedthemembersofthecommitteehavenotasyetdecided，althoughConfuciusisstronglyinfavorofhavingitplacedinadingysituatedaquarterofamileasternofthehouse—boat，andconnectedtherewithbyaslightcord，whichcanbeeasilycutincasethesqueakingofthepoets’slate—
pencilsbecomestoomuchforthenervoussystemofthememberswhohavenocorneroftheirown。
CHAPTERVI：SOMETHEORIES，DARWINIANANDOTHERWISE
\"Iobserve，\"saidDoctorDarwin，lookingupfromaperusalofanasbestoscopyoftheLondonTimes——\"IobservethatanAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredthatmonkeystalk。Iconsiderthataveryinterestingfact。\"
\"Itundoubtedlyis，\"observedDoctorLivingstone，\"thoughhardlynew。
Ineversaidanythingaboutitoverintheotherworld，butI
discoveredyearsagoinAfricathatmonkeyswerequiteaswellabletoholdasustainedconversationwitheachotherasmostmenare。\"
\"AndI，too，\"putinBaronMunchausen，\"havefrequentlyconversedwithmonkeys。Imademyselfamasteroftheiridiomsduringmybriefsojournin——ah——in——well，nevermindwhere。Inevercouldrememberthenamesofplaces。TheinterestingpointisthatatoneperiodofmylifeIwasamasterofthemonkeylanguage。IhaveevengonesofarastowriteasonnetinSimian，whichwasquiteasintelligibletotheuneducatedasnine—tenthsofthesonnetswritteninEnglishorAmerican。\"
\"Doyoumeantosaythatyoucouldacquirethemonkeyaccent？\"askedDoctorDarwin，immediatelyinterested。
\"Inmostinstances，\"returnedtheBaron，suavely，\"thoughofcoursenotinall。IfoundthesamedifficultyinsomecasesthattheGermanortheChinamanfindswhenhetriestospeakFrench。A
ChinamancannomoresayTrocadero，forinstance，astheFrenchmansaysit，thanhecanfly。ThatpeculiarthroatyaspiratetheFrenchmangivestothefirstsyllable，asthoughitwerespelledtrhoque，isutterlybeyondtheChinese——andbeyondtheAmerican，too，whoseideaofthetonsillaraspirateleadshimtospeakofthetrochedeero，naturallyfallingbackupontrochestohelphimoutofhislaryngealdifficulties。\"
\"YououghttohavebeenonthestaffofPunch，Baron，\"saidThackeray，quietly。\"Thatjokewouldhavemadeyouimmortal。\"
\"IAMimmortal，\"saidtheBaron。\"ButtoreturntoourdiscussionoftheSimiantongue：asIwassaying，thereweresomelittlepointsabouttheaccentthatIcouldneverget，and，asinthecaseoftheGermanandChinamanwiththeFrenchlanguage，thetroublewaspurelyphysical。WhenyouconsiderthatinpoliteSimiansocietymostofthetalkersconversewhileswingingbytheirtailsfromthelimbofatree，withasortofdroningaccent，whichresultsfromtheirswayingtoandfro，youwillseeatoncewhyitwasthatI，deprivedbynatureofthenecessaryapparatuswithwhichtosuspendmyselfinmid—air，wasunabletoquitecatchthequalitywhichgivesitschiefcharmtomonkey—talk。\"
\"Ishouldhardlythinkthatamanofyourfertileresourceswouldhaveletsosmallathingasthatstandinhisway，\"saidDoctorLivingstone。\"Whenamanisabletomakeareputationforhimselflikeyours，inwhichmaterialfactsareneverallowedtointerferewithhisdoingwhathesetsouttodo，heoughtnottobedauntedbytheneedofatail。Ifyoucouldmakeacherry—treegrowoutofadeer’shead，Ifailtoseewhyyoucouldnotpersonallygrowatail，oranythingelseyoumighthappentoneedfortheattainmentofyourends。\"
\"Iwasnotsoanxioustogettheaccentasallthat，\"returnedtheBaron。\"Idon’tthinkitisnecessaryforamantomakeamonkeyofhimselfjustforthepleasureofmasteringalanguage。Reasoningsimilarly，amantomastertheartofbrayinginafashioncomprehensibletothejackassofaverageintellectshouldmakeajackassofhimself，cultivatehisears，andlearntokick，soasproperlytopunctuatehissentencesafterthemannerofmostconversationalbeastsofthatkind。\"
\"Thenyoubelievethatjackassestalk，too，doyou？\"askedDoctorDarwin。
\"Whynot？\"saidtheBaron。\"Ifmonkeys，whynotdonkeys？Certainlytheydo。Allcreatureshavesomemeansofcommunicatingtheirthoughtstoeachother。WhymaninhisconceitshouldthinkotherwiseIdon’tknow，unlessitbethatthebirdsandbeastsintheirconceitprobablythinkthattheyaloneofallthecreaturesintheworldcantalk。\"
\"Ihaven’tadoubt，\"saidDoctorLivingstone，\"thatmonkeyslisteningtomenandwomentalkingthinktheyareonlyjabbering。\"
\"They’renotfarfromwronginmostcasesiftheydo，\"saidDoctorJohnson，whouptothistimehadbeenmerelyaninterestedlistener。
\"I’vethoughtthatmanyatimemyself。\"
\"Whichisperhaps，inaslightdegree，aconfirmationofmytheory，\"
putinDarwin。\"IfDoctorJohnson’smindrunsinthesamechannelsthatthemonkey’smindrunsin，whymaywenotsaythatDoctorJohnson，beingaman，hascertainqualitiesofthemonkey，andistherefore，inasense，ofthesamestrain？\"
\"Youmaysaywhatyouplease，\"retortedJohnson，wrathfully，\"butI’llmakeyouprovewhatyousayaboutme。\"
\"Iwouldn’tifIwereyou，\"saidDoctorLivingstone，inapeace—
makingspirit。\"Itwouldnotbeapleasanttaskforyou，compellingourfriendtoproveyoudescendedfromtheape。Ishouldthinkyou’dprefertomakehimleaveitunproved。\"
\"HavemonkeysBoswells？\"queriedThackeray。
\"Idon’tknowanythingabout’em，\"saidJohnson，petulantly。
\"NomoredoI，\"saidDarwin，\"andIdidn’tmeantobeoffensive，mydearJohnson。IfIclaimSimianancestryforyou，Iclaimitequallyformyself。\"
\"Well，I’mnosnob，\"saidJohnson，unmollified。\"Ifyouwanttobragaboutyourancestors，doit。Leaveminealone。Sticktoyourowngenealogicalorchard。\"
\"Well，Ibelievefullythatwearealldescendedfromtheape，\"saidMunchausen。\"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymindthatbeforethefloodallmenhadtails。Noahhadatail。Shem，Ham，andJaphethhadtails。It’sperfectlyreasonabletobelieveit。TheArkinasenseprovedit。ItwouldhavebeenalmostimpossibleforNoahandhissonstoconstructtheArkinthetimetheydidwiththeassistanceofonlytwohandsapiece。Think，however，ofhowfasttheycouldworkwiththeassistanceofthatthirdarm。NoahcouldhammeraclapboardontotheArkwithtwohandswhilegraspingasawandcuttinganewboardorplaningitoffwithhistail。Sowiththeothers。Weallknowhowmuchathirdhandwouldhelpusattimes。\"
\"Buthowdoyouaccountforitsdisappearance？\"putinDoctorLivingstone。\"Isitlikelytheywoulddispensewithsuchausefuladjunct？\"
\"No，itisn’t；buttherearevariouswaysofaccountingforitsloss，\"saidMunchausen。\"TheymayhaveoverworkeditbuildingtheArk；Shem，Ham，orJaphethmayhavehadhiscaughtinthedooroftheArkandcutoffinthehurryofthedeparture；plentyofthingsmayhavehappenedtoeliminateit。Menlosetheirhairandtheirteeth；
whymightnotamanloseatail？Scientistssaythatcominggenerationsfarinthefuturewillbetoothlessandbald。Whymayitnotbethatthroughcausesunknowntouswearesimilarlydeprivedofsomethingourforefathershad？\"
\"Theonlyreasonforman’slosinghishairisthathewearsahatallthetime，\"saidLivingstone。\"TheDerbyhatistheenemyofhair。
Itishot，anddriesupthescalp。YoumightaswelltrytoraisewatermelonsintheDesertofSaharaastotrytoraisehairunderthemodernhat。Infact，themodernhatisafurnace。\"
\"Well，it’samightygoodfurnace，\"observedMunchausen。\"Youdon’thavetoputcoalonthemodernhat。\"
\"Perhaps，\"interposedThackeray，\"theancientsworetheirhatsontheirtails。\"
\"Well，Ihaveatotallydifferenttheory，\"saidJohnson。
\"Youalwaysdidhave，\"observedMunchausen。
\"Verylikely，\"saidJohnson。\"Tobecommonplaceneverwasmyambition。\"
\"Whatisyourtheory？\"queriedLivingstone。
\"Well——Idon’tknow，\"saidJohnson，\"ifitbeworthexpressing。\"
\"Itmaybeworthsendingbyfreight，\"interruptedThackeray。\"Letushaveit。\"
\"Well，Ibelieve，\"saidJohnson——\"IbelievethatAdamwasamonkey。\"
\"Hebehavedlikeone，\"ejaculatedThackeray。
\"Ibelievethattheforbiddentreewasatenderone，andthereforetheonlyoneuponwhichAdamwasforbiddentoswingbyhistail，\"
saidJohnson。
\"Clearenough——sofar，\"saidMunchausen。
\"ButthatthepossessionoftailsbyAdamandEveentailedaloveofswingingthereby，andthattheycouldnotresistthetemptationtoswingfromeverylimbinEden，andthattherefore，whileAdamwasoffswingingonothertrees，Evetookaswingontheforbiddentree；thatAdam，returning，caughtherintheact，andimmediatelygavewayhimselfandswung，\"saidJohnson。
\"Thenyoueliminatetheserpent？\"queriedDarwin。
\"Notabitofit，\"Johnsonanswered。\"Theserpentwasthetail。
Lookatmostsnakesto—day。Whataretheybutunattachedtails？\"
\"Theydolookit，\"saidDarwin，thoughtfully。
\"Why，it’sclearasday，\"saidJohnson。\"AspunishmentAdamandEvelosttheirtails，andthetailitselfwascompelledtoworkforalivinganddoitsownwalking。\"
\"Ineverthoughtofthat，\"saidDarwin。\"Itseemsreasonable。\"
\"Itisreasonable，\"saidJohnson。
\"Andthesnakesofthepresentday？\"queriedThackeray。
\"Ibelievetobethemissingtailsofmen，\"saidJohnson。\"Somewhereintheworldisatailforeverymanandwomanandchild。Whereone’stailisnoonecaneversay，butthatitexistssimultaneouslywithitsownerIbelieve。Theabhorrencemanhasforsnakesisdirectlyattributabletohisabhorrenceforallthingswhichhavedeprivedhimofsomethingthatisgood。IfAdam’stailhadnottemptedhimtoswingontheforbiddentree，weshouldallofushavebeenablethroughlifetorelaxfrombusinesscaresafterthemannerofthemonkey，whoishappyfrommorninguntilnight。\"
\"Well，Ican’tseethatitdoesusanygoodtosithereanddiscussthismatter，\"saidDoctorLivingstone。\"Wecan’treachanyconclusion。Theonlywaytosettlethematter，itseemstome，istogodirectlytoAdam，whoisamemberofthisclub，andaskhimhowitwas。\"
\"That’sagreatidea，\"saidThackeray，scornfully。\"You’dlookwellgoinguptoamanandsaying，’Excuseme，sir，but——ah——wereyoueveramonkey？’\"
\"Tosaynothingofcatechisingamanonthesubjectofanoldanddreadfulscandal，\"putinMunchausen。\"I’msurprisedatyou，Livingstone。Africanetiquetteseemstohaveruinedyoursenseofpropriety。\"
\"I’djustasliefaskhim，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Etiquette？Bah!
Whatbusinesshasetiquettetostandinthewayofhumanknowledge？
Conventionalityisthelastthingmenofbrainsshouldstriveafter，andI，forone，amnotgoingtobeboundbyit。\"
HereDoctorJohnsontouchedtheelectricbell，andinaninstanttheshadeofabuttonsappeared。
\"Boy，isAdamintheclub—housetoday？\"askedthesage。
\"I’llgoandsee，sir，\"saidtheboy，andheimmediatelydeparted。
\"Goodboythat，\"saidThackeray。
\"Yes；buttheserviceinthisclubisdreadful，consideringwhatwemighthave，\"saidDarwin。\"WithAladdinamemberofthisclub，I
don’tseewhywecan’thavehislampwithgeniigaloretorespond。
Itcertainlywouldbemoreeconomical。\"
\"True；butI，forone，don’tcaretofoolwithgenii，\"saidMunchausen。\"Whenonemembercansummonaservantwhoisstrongenoughtotakeanothermemberanddohimupinabottleandcasthimintothesea，Ihavenouseforthesystem。Plainordinarymortalshadesaregoodenoughforme。\"
AsMunchausenspoke，theboyreturned。
\"Mr。Adamisn’thereto—day，sir，\"hesaid，addressingDoctorJohnson。\"AndCharonsayshe’snotlikelytobehere，sir，seeingashowhisaccountisclosed，nothavingbeensettledforthreemonths。\"
\"Good，\"saidThackeray。\"Iwasafraidhewashere。Idon’twanttohavehimaskedabouthisEdenexperiencesinmybehalf。That’spersonality。\"
\"Well，then，there’sonlyoneotherthingtodo，\"saidDarwin。
\"MunchausenclaimstobeabletospeakSimian。Hemightseekoutsomeoftheprehistoricmonkeysandputthequestiontothem。\"
\"No，thankyou，\"saidMunchausen。\"I’malittlerustyinthelanguage，and，besides，youtalklikeanidiot。YoumightaswellspeakofthehumanlanguageastheSimianlanguage。ThereareFrenchmonkeyswhospeakmonkeyFrench，AfricanmonkeyswhotalkthemostbarbarouskindofZulumonkeypatois，andCongomonkeyslang，andsoon。LetJohnsonsendhislittleBoswellouttodrumupinformation。
Ifthereisanythingtobefoundouthe’llgetit，andthenhecantellittous。Ofcoursehemaygetitallwrong，butitwillbeentertaining，andwe’llneverknowanydifference。\"
Whichseemedtotheothersagoodidea，butwhatevercameofitI
havenotbeeninformed。
CHAPTERVII：ADISCUSSIONASTOLADIES’DAY
\"ImetQueenElizabethjustnowontheRow，\"saidRaleigh，asheenteredthehouse—boatandcheckedhiscloak。
\"Indeed？\"saidConfucius。\"Whatifyoudid？OtherpeoplehavemetQueenElizabeth。There’snothingoriginalaboutthat。\"
\"True；butshemadeasuggestiontomeaboutthishouse—boatwhichI
thinkisagoodone。Shesaysthewomenareallcrazytoseetheinsideofit，\"saidRaleigh。
\"Thusprovingthatimmortalwomanisnodifferentfrommortalwoman，\"
retortedConfucius。\"Theywanttoseetheinsideofeverything。
Curiosity，thynameiswoman。\"
\"Well，IamsureIdon’tseewhymenshouldarrogatetothemselvesthesolerighttoaninvestigatingturnofmind，\"saidRaleigh，impatiently。\"Whyshouldn’ttheladieswanttoseetheinsideofthisclub—house？Itisacomplimenttousthattheyshould，andI
foroneaminfavoroflettingthem，andIamgoingtoproposethatintheIdesofMarchwegivealadies’dayhere。\"
\"ThenIshallgoSouthformyhealthintheIdesofMarch，\"saidConfucius，angrily。\"Whatonearthisaclubforifitisn’ttoenablementogetawayfromtheirwivesonceinawhile？Whendopeoplegotoclubs？Whentheyareontheirwayhome——that’swhen；
andthemoreaman’sathomeinhisclub，thelesshe’sathomewhenhe’sathome。Isupposeyou’llbesuggestingachildren’sdaynext，andafterthataparrot’soracanary—bird’sday。\"
\"Ihadnoideayouweresuchawoman—hater，\"saidRaleigh，inastonishment。\"What’sthematter？Wereyoueverdisappointedinlove？\"
\"I？Howabsurd!\"retortedConfucius，reddening。\"TheideaofMY
everbeingdisappointedinlove!Inevermetthewomanwhocouldbringmetomyknees，althoughIwasmarriedintheotherworld。
WhatbecameofMrs。C。Ineverinquired。ShemaybeinChinayet，foraughtIknow。Iregarddeathasadivorce。\"
\"Yourwifemustbegladofit，\"saidRaleigh，somewhatungallantly；
for，totellthetruth，hewasnettledbyConfucius’sdemeanor。\"I
didn’tknow，however，butthatsinceyouescapedfromChinaandcameheretoHadesyoumighthavefalleninlovewithsomespiritofanagesubsequenttoyourown——MaryQueenofScots，orJoanofArc，orsomeotherspook——whorejectedyou。Ican’taccountforyourdislikeofwomenotherwise。\"
\"NotI，\"saidConfucius。\"HadeswouldhavealessclassicnamethanithasformeifIwerehamperedwithafamily。Butgoalongandhaveyourladies’dayhere，andnevermindmyreasonsforpreferringmyownsocietytothatofthefairsex。Icanatleaststayathomethatday。Whatdoyouproposetodo——throwopenthehousetothewivesofmembers，ortoallladies，irrespectiveoftheirhusbands’
membershiphere？\"
\"Ithinkthelatterplanwouldbethebetter，\"saidRaleigh。
\"OtherwiseQueenElizabeth，towhomIamindebtedforthesuggestion，wouldbeexcluded。Shenevermarried，youknow。\"
\"Didn’tshe？\"saidConfucius。\"No，Ididn’tknowit；butthatdoesn’tproveanything。WhenIwenttoschoolwedidn’tstudythehistoryoftheElizabethanperiod。Shedidn’thaveabsoluteswayoverEngland，then？\"
\"Shehad；butwhatofthat？\"queriedRaleigh。
\"Doyoumeantosaythatshelivedanddiedanoldmaidfromchoice？\"
demandedConfucius。
\"CertainlyIdo，\"saidRaleigh。\"AndwhyshouldInottellyouthat？\"
\"Foraverygoodandsufficientreason，\"retortedConfucius，\"whichis，inbrief，thatIamnotamarine。Imaydislikewomen，mydearRaleigh，butIknowthembetterthanyoudo，gallantasyouare；andwhenyoutellmeinoneandthesamemomentthatawomanholdingabsoluteswayovermenyetlivedanddiedanoldmaid，youmustnotbeindignantifIsmileandbitetheendofmythumb，whichistheChinesewayofsayingthat’sallinyoureye，BettyMartin。\"
\"Believeitornot，youpooroldbacknumber，\"retortedRaleigh，hotly。\"Italtersnothing。QueenElizabethcouldhavemarriedahundredtimesoverifshehadwished。IknowIlostmyheadtherecompletely。\"
\"Thatshows，SirWalter，\"saidDryden，withagrin，\"howwrongyouare。YoulostyourheadtoKingJames。Hi!Shakespeare，here’samandoesn’tknowwhochoppedhisheadoff。\"
Raleigh’sfaceflushedscarlet。\"’Tisbettertohavehadaheadandlostit，\"hecried，\"thannevertohavehadaheadatall!Markyou，Dryden，myboy，itillbefitsyoutoscoffatmeformymisfortune，fordustthouart，andtodustthouhastreturned，ifwordfromt’othersideaboutthybooksandthatwhichinandonthemliesbetrue。\"
\"Whate’erbesaidaboutmybooks，\"saidDryden，angrily，\"betheyreadorbetheynot，’tisminetheyare，andnonetherebewhodaredisputetheirauthorship。\"
\"Thusprovingthatmen，thankHeaven，arestillsane，\"ejaculatedDoctorJohnson。\"ToassumetheauthorshipofDrydenwouldbenotsomuchaclaim，myfriend，asaconfession。\"
\"ShadesofthemightyChow!\"criedConfucius。\"An’willyehearthepoetssquabble!Egad!Aladies’daycouldhardlyintroduceintoourmidstamoredivertingdisputation。\"
\"We’reallgettingalittlehigh—flowninourphraseology，\"putinShakespeareatthispoint。\"Let’squittalkinginblank—verseandcomedowntobusiness。_I_thinkaladies’daywouldbegreatsport。
I’llwriteapoemtoreadontheoccasion。\"
\"ThenIopposeitwithallmyheart，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Whydoyoualwayswanttomakeourentertainmentscommonplace？Leaveoccasionalpoemstomortals。Ineverknewanoccasionalpoemyetthatwasworthyofanimmortal。\"
\"That’spreciselywhyIwanttowriteoneoccasionalpoem。I’dmakeitworthy，\"Shakespeareanswered。\"Likethis，forinstance：
Mostfair，mostsweet，mostbeauteousofladies，ThegreatestcharminallyerealmofHades。
Why，mydearDoctor，suchanopportunityforrhymingHadeswithladiesshouldnotbelost。\"
\"ThatjustproveswhatIsaid，\"saidJohnson。\"AnyidiotcanmakeladiesrhymewithHades。Itrequiresabsolutegeniustoavoidthetemptation。YouaregreatenoughtomakeHadesrhymewithbicycleifyouchoosetodoit——butno，yousuccumbtothetemptationtobecommonplace。Bah!Oneofthesemoderndrawing—roompoetswiththreesectionstohisnamecouldn’tdoworse。\"
\"Ongeneralprinciples，\"saidRaleigh，\"Johnsonisright。Weinvitethesepeopleheretoseeourclub—house，nottogivethemanexhibitionofourmetricalpowers，andIthinkallexercisesofaformalnatureshouldbefrownedupon。\"
\"Verywell，\"saidShakespeare。\"Goahead。Haveyourownwayaboutit。Getoutyourbrowandfrown。I’mperfectlywillingtosavemyselfthetroubleofwritingapoem。Writingrealpoetryisn’teasy，asyoufellowswouldhavediscoveredforyourselvesifyou’devertriedit。\"
\"Topassoverthearrogantassumptionofthegentlemanwhohasjustspoken，withthesilenceduetoaproperexpressionofourcontempttherefor，\"saidDryden，slowly，\"Ithinkincasewedohavealadies’
dayhereweshouldexerciseamostcarefulsupervisionovertheinvitationlist。Forinstance，wouldn’titbeawkwardforourgoodfriendHenrytheEighthtoencounterthevariousMrs。Henryshere？
Woulditnotlikewisebeawkwardforthemtomeeteachother？\"
\"Yourpointiswelltaken，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Idon’tknowwhethertheKing’smatrimonialventuresareonspeakingtermswitheachotherornot，butunderanycircumstancesitwouldhardlybeapleasingspectacleforKatharineofArragontoseeHenryrunninghislegsoffgettingcreamandcakesforAnneBoleyn；norwouldAnnelikeitmuchif，ontheotherhand，HenrychosetobehavelikeagentlemanandahusbandtoJaneSeymourorKatharineParr。Ithink，ifthemembersthemselvesaretosendouttheinvitations，theyshouldeachbelimitedtotwocards，withtheexpressunderstandingthatnomembershallbepermittedtoinvitemorethanonewife。\"
\"That’sgoingtobeawkward，\"saidRaleigh，scratchinghisheadthoughtfully。\"Henryissuchahot—headedfellowthathemightresentthestipulation。\"
\"Ithinkhewould，\"saidConfucius。\"Ithinkhe’dbeasmadasahatteratyourinsinuationthathewouldinviteanyofhiswives，ifallIhearofhimistrue；andwhatI’veheard，Wolseyhastoldme。\"
\"HeknewathingortwoaboutHenry，\"saidShakespeare。\"Ifyoudon’tbelieveit，justreadthatplayofminethatBeaumontandFletcher——er——ah——thoughtsomuchof。\"
\"Youcameneargivingyoursecretawaythattime，William，\"saidJohnson，withaslysmile，andgivingtheAvonianadigbetweentheribs。
\"Secret!Ihaven’tanysecret，\"saidShakespeare，alittleacridly。
\"It’sthetruthI’mtellingyou。BeaumontandFletcherDIDadmireHenrytheEighth。\"
\"Therebyshowingtheirconceit，eh？\"saidJohnson。
\"Oh，ofcourse，Ididn’twriteanything，didI？\"criedShakespeare。
\"Everybodywrotemyplaysbutme。I’mtheonlypersonthathadnohandinShakespeare。Itseemstomethatjokeisaboutwornout，Doctor。I’mgettingalittletiredofitmyself；butifitamusesyou，why，keepitup。_I_knowwhowrotemyplays，andwhateveryoumaysaycannotaffectthefacts。NextthingyoufellowswillbesayingthatIdidn’twritemyownautographs？\"
\"Ididn’tsaythat，\"saidJohnson，quietly。\"Onlythereisnointernalevidenceinyourautographsthatyouknewhowtospellyournameifyoudid。AmanwhosignshisnameShixpuronedayandShikespearethenextneedn’tcomplainiftheBankofPosterityrefusestohonorhischeck。\"
\"They’dhonormycheckquickenoughthesedays，\"retortedShakespeare。\"Whenaman’sautographbringsfivethousanddollars，oronethousandpounds，intheauction—room，thereisn’tabankintheworldfoolenoughtodeclinetohonoranycheckhe’llsignunderathousanddollars，ortwohundredpounds。\"
\"Ifancyyou’reright，\"putinRaleigh。\"Butyourchecksoryourplayshavenothingtodowithladies’day。Let’sgettosomeconclusioninthismatter。\"
\"Yes，\"saidConfucius。\"Let’s。Ladies’dayisbecomingadreadfulbore，andifwedon’thurryupthebilliard—roomwillbefull。\"
\"Well，Imovewegetupapetitiontothecounciltohaveit，\"saidDryden。
\"Iagree，\"saidConfucius，\"andI’llsignit。Ifthere’sonewaytoavoidhavingladies’dayinthefuture，it’stohaveonenowandbedonewithit。\"
\"Allright，\"saidShakespeare。\"I’llsigntoo。\"
\"As——er——ShixpurorShikespeare？\"queriedJohnson。
\"Lethimalone，\"saidRaleigh。\"He’sgettingsensitiveaboutthat；
andwhatyouneedtolearnmorethananythingelseisthatitisn’tmannerstotwitamanonfacts。What’sbotheringyou，Dryden？Youlooklikeamanwithanidea。\"
\"Ithasjustoccurredtome，\"saidDryden，\"thatwhilewecansafelyleavethequestionofHenrytheEighthandhiswivestothewisdomofthecouncil，weoughttopaysomeattentiontotheadvisabilityofinvitingLucretiaBorgia。I’dhatetoeatanysupperifshecamewithinamileofthebanqueting—hall。Ifshecomesyou’llhavetoappointatastingcommitteebeforeI’lltouchadropofpunchoreataspeckofsalad。\"
\"WemightrecommendtheappointmentofRaleightolookafterthefairLucretiaandseethatshehasnopoisonwithher，orifshehas，tokeepherfromdroppingitintothesalads，\"saidConfucius，withasidelongglanceatRaleigh。\"He’stheespecialchampionofwomaninthisclub，andnodoubtwouldbeproudofthedistinction。\"
\"Iwouldwithmostwomen，\"saidRaleigh。\"ButIdrawthelineatLucretiaBorgia。\"
Andsoapetitionwasdrawnup，signed，andsenttothecouncil，andthey，aftermaturedeliberation，decidedtohavetheladies’day，towhichalltheladiesinHades，exceptingLucretiaBorgiaandDelilah，weretobedulyinvited，onlythedatewasnotspecified。DelilahwasexcludedattherequestofSamson，whoseconvincingmuscles，ratherthanhisarguments，completelywonoveralloppositiontohisproposition。
CHAPTERVIII：ADISCONTENTEDSHADE
\"Itseemstome，\"saidShakespeare，wearily，oneafternoonattheclub——\"thatthisbusinessofbeingimmortalisprettydull。Didn’tsomebodyoncesayhe’dratherridefiftyyearsonatrolleyinEuropethanonabicycleinCathay？\"
\"Ineverheardanysuchremarkbyanyself—respectingperson，\"saidJohnson。
\"Isaidsomethinglikeit，\"observedTennyson。
DoctorJohnsonlookedaroundtoseewhoitwasthatspoke。
\"You？\"hecried。\"Andwho，pray，mayyoube？\"
\"MynameisTennyson，\"repliedthepoet。
\"Andaverygoodnameitis，\"saidShakespeare。
\"IamnotawarethatIeverheardthenamebefore，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Didyoumakeityourself？\"
\"Idid，\"saidthelatelaureate，proudly。
\"Inwhatpursuit？\"askedDoctorJohnson。
\"Poetry，\"saidTennyson。\"Iwrote’LocksleyHall’and’ComeintotheGarden，Maude。’\"
\"Humph!\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"Ineverread’em。\"
\"Well，whyshouldyouhavereadthem？\"snarledCarlyle。\"Theywerewrittenafteryoumovedoverhere，andtheyweregoodstuff。Youneedn’tthinkbecauseyouquit，thewholeworldputupitsshuttersandwentoutofbusiness。IdidafewthingsmyselfwhichIfancyyouneverheardof。\"
\"Oh，asforthat，\"retortedDoctorJohnson，withasmile，\"I’veheardofyou；youarethemanwhowrotethelifeofFredericktheGreatinninehundredandtwovolumes——\"
\"Seven!\"snappedCarlyle。
\"Well，seventhen，\"returnedJohnson。\"Ineversawthework，butI
heardFrederickspeakingofittheotherday。Bonaparteaskedhimifhehadreadit，andFredericksaidno，hehadn’ttime。Bonapartecried，’Haven’ttime？Why，mydearking，you’vegotalleternity。’
’Iknowit，’repliedFrederick，’butthatisn’tenough。Readapageortwo，mydearNapoleon，andyou’llseewhy。’\"
\"Frederickwillhavehisjoke，\"saidShakespeare，withawinkatTennysonandasmileforthetwophilosophers，intended，nodoubt，toputtheminamoreagreeableframeofmind。\"Why，heevenaskedmetheotherdaywhyIneverwroteatragedyabouthim，completelyignoringthefactthathecamealongmanyyearsafterIhaddeparted。
Ispokeofthat，andhesaid，’Oh，Iwasonlyjoking。’Iapologized。
’Ididn’tknowthat，’saidI。’Andwhyshouldyou？’saidhe。
’You’reEnglish。’\"
\"Averyruderemark，\"saidJohnson。\"AsifweEnglishwereincapableofseeingajoke!\"
\"Exactly，\"putinCarlyle。\"ItstrikesmeastheabsurdestnotionthattheEnglishmancan’tseeajoke。TothemindthatisaccustomedtosnapjudgmentsIhavenodoubttheEnglishmanappearstobedullofapprehension，butthephilosophyofthewholematterisapparenttothemindthattakesthetroubletoinvestigate。TheBritonweighseverythingcarefullybeforehecommitshimself，andeventhoughacertainpointmaystrikehimasfunny，heisn’tgoingtolaughuntilhehasfullymadeuphismindthatitisfunny。IrememberonceridingdownPiccadillywithFroudeinahansomcab。FroudehadacopyofPunchinhishand，andhebegantolaughimmoderatelyoversomething。Ileanedoverhisshouldertoseewhathewaslaughingat。’Thatisn’tsofunny，’saidI，asIreadtheparagraphonwhichhiseyewasresting。’No，’saidFroude。’Iwasn’tlaughingatthat。
Iwasenjoyingthejokethatappearedinthesamerelativepositioninlastweek’sissue。’Nowthat’sthepoint——thewholepoint。TheEnglishmanalwayslaughsoverlastweek’sPunch，notthisweek’s，andthatiswhyyouwillfindafileofthatinterestingjournalinthehomeofallwell—to—doBritons。Itisthebacknumberthatamuseshim——whichmerelyprovesthatheisadeliberativepersonwhoweighsevenhishumorcarefullybeforegivingwaytohisemotions。\"
\"WhatistheaverageweightofacopyofPunch？\"drawledArtemasWard，whohadstrolledinduringthelatterpartoftheconversation。
Shakespearesnickeredquietly，butCarlyleandJohnsonlookedupontheintruderseverely。
\"Wewilltakethatquestionintoconsideration，\"saidCarlyle。
\"Perhapsto—morrowweshallhaveadefiniteanswerreadyforyou。\"
\"Nevermind，\"returnedthehumorist。\"You’veprovedyourpoint。
Tennysontellsmeyoufindlifeheredull，Shakespeare。\"
\"Somewhat，\"saidShakespeare。\"Idon’tknowabouttherestofyoufellows，butIwasnotcutoutforaneternityofease。Imusthaveoccupation，andthestageisn’tpopularhere。Thetroubleaboutputtingonaplayhereisthatourmanagersareafraidoflibelsuits。ThechancesarethatifIshouldwriteaplaywithCassiusasthehero，Cassiuswouldgotothefirstnight’sperformancewithadaggerconcealedinhistoga，withwhichtopunctuatehisobjectionstothelinesputinhismouth。ThereisnothingI’dlikebetterthantomanageatheatreinthisplace，butthinkoftheriotswe’dhave!
Suppose，foraninstant，thatIwroteaplayaboutBonaparte!He’dhaveabox，andwhentherestofyouspookscalledfortheauthorattheendofthethirdact，ifhedidn’thappentoliketheplayhe’dgreetmewithasalvoofartilleryinsteadofapplause。\"
\"Hewouldn’tifyoumadehimoutagreatconquerorfromstarttofinish，\"saidTennyson。
\"Nodoubt，\"returnedShakespeare，sadly；\"butinthateventWellingtonwouldbeintheotherstage—box，andI’dgetthegreetingfromhim。\"
\"Whycomeoutatall？\"askedJohnson。
\"Whycomeoutatall？\"echoedShakespeare。\"Whatfunisthereinwritingaplayifyoucan’tcomeoutandshowyourselfatthefirstnight？That’stheauthor’sreward。Ifitwasn’tforthefirst—nightbusiness，though，allwouldbeplainsailing。\"
\"Thenwhydon’tyoubeginitthesecondnight？\"drawledWard。
\"Howthedeucecouldyou？\"putinCarlyle。
\"Amostextraordinaryproposition，\"sneeredJohnson。
\"Yes，\"saidWard；\"butwaitaweek——you’llseethepointthen。\"
\"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymind，\"saidShakespeare，revertingtohisoriginalproposition，\"thattheonlyperfectlysatisfactorylifeisunderasystemnotyetadoptedineitherworld——theonewehavequittedorthis。Therewehadhardworkinwhichourmortallimitationshamperedusgrievously；herewehavethefreedomoftheimmortalwithnohardwork；inotherwords，nowthatwefeellikefighting—cocks，thereisn’tanyfightingtobedone。Thegreatlifeinmyestimation，wouldbetoreturntoearthandbattlewithmortalproblems，butequippedmentallyandphysicallywithimmortalweapons。\"
\"Somepeopledon’tknowwhentheyarewelloff，\"saidBeauBrummel。
\"Thisstrikesmeasbeinganideallife。Therearenotailorsbillstopay——weareourselvesnothingbutmemories，andamemorycanclothehimselfintheshadowofhisformergrandeur——Iclothemyselfintheremembranceofmydepartedclothes，andasmymemoryisgoodI
flattermyselfI’mthebest—dressedmanhere。Thefactthatthereareghostsofdepartedunpaidbillshauntingmybedsideatnightdoesn’tbothermeintheleast，becausethebailiffsthatintheoldlifelentterrortoanoverdueaccount，thankstoourbeneficentsystemhere，arekeptinthelessagreeablesectionsofHades。I
usedtoregretthatbailiffsweresuchlowpeople，butnowIrejoiceatit。Iftheyhadbeenofadifferentordertheymighthaveprovenunpleasanthere。\"
\"Youareright，mydearBrummel，\"interposedMunchausen。\"Thislifeisfarpreferabletothatintheothersphere。Anyofyougentlemenwhohappentohavehadthepleasureofreadingmymemoirsmusthavebeenstruckwiththetremendousdifficultiesthatencumberedmyprogress。IfIwishedforarareliqueurformyluncheon，aliqueurservedonlyatthetableofanOrientalpotentate，morejealousofitthanofhisonethousandqueens，Ihadtoraisearmies，charterships，andwagewarfareinwhichfeatsofincrediblevalorhadtobeperformedbymyselfaloneandunaidedtosecurethedesiredthimbleful。Ihavedestroyedempiresforabon—bonatgreatexpenseofnervousenergy。\"
\"That’sverylikelytrue，\"saidCarlyle。\"Ishouldthinkyourfeatsofstrengthwouldhavewreckedyourimaginationintime。\"
\"Notso，\"saidMunchausen。\"Onthecontrary，continuousexerciseservedonlytomakeitstronger。But，asIwasgoingtosay，inthislifewehavenoneofthesefearfulobstacles——itisalifeofleisure；andifIwantabirdandacoldbottleatanytime，insteadofplacingmylifeinperilandjeopardizingthepeaceofallmankindtogetit，Ihaveonlytosummonbeforemethememoryofsomepreviousbirdandcoldbottle，dinethereonlikeawell—orderedcitizen，andsmokethespiritofthebestcigarmyimaginationcanconjureup。\"
\"Youmissmypoint，\"saidShakespeare。\"Idon’tsaythislifeisworseorbetterthantheotherweusedtolive。WhatIdosayisthatacombinationofbothwouldsuitme。Inshort，I’dliketolivehereandgototheotherworldeverydaytobusiness，likeasuburbanresidentwhosleepsinthecountryandmakeshislivinginthecity。