Forinstance,whyshouldn’tIdwellhereandgotoLondoneveryday,hireanofficethere,andputoutasignsomethinglikethis:
WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE
DRAMATIST
PlayswrittenwhileyouwaitIguessI’dfindplentytodo。\"
\"Guessagain,\"saidTennyson。\"Mydearboy,youforgetonething。
YOUAREOUTOFDATE。Peopledon’tgotothetheatrestohearYOU,theygotoseethepeoplewhoDOyou。\"
\"Thatistrue,\"saidWard。\"Andtheydodoyou,mybelovedWilliam。
It’sawondertomeyouarenotdizzyturningoverinyourgravethewaytheydoyou。\"
\"CanitbethatIcaneverbeoutofdate?\"askedShakespeare。\"I
know,ofcourse,thatIhavetobeadaptedattimes;buttobewhollyoutofdatestrikesmeasahardfate。\"
\"You’renotoutofdate,\"interposedCarlyle;\"thedateisoutofyou。ThereisagreatdemandforShakespeareinthesedays,butthereisn’tanystuff。\"
\"ThenIshouldsucceed,\"saidShakespeare。
\"No,Idon’tthinkso,\"returnedCarlyle。\"Youcouldn’tstandthepace。Theworldrevolvesfasterto—daythanitdidinyourtime——menwritethreeorfourplaysatonce。ThisiswhatyoumightcallaType—writerAge,andtokeepupwiththeprocessionyou’dhavetoworkasyouneverworkedbefore。\"
\"Thatistrue,\"observedTennyson。\"You’dhavetolearntobeambidextrous,sothatyoucouldkeeptwotype—writingmachinesgoingatonce;and,tobeperfectlyfrankwithyou,Icannotevenconjureupinmyfancyapictureofyouknockingoutatragedywiththerighthandononemachine,whileyourlefthandisfashioningafarce—
comedyonanother。\"
\"Hemightdoasagreatmanymodernwritersdo,\"saidWard;\"goinforthePaper—dollDrama。Cutthewholethingoutwithapairofscissors。Asthepoetmighthavesaidifhe’dbeencleverenough:
Oh,bringmethescissors,Andbringmetheglue,Andacoupleofdozenoldplays。
I’llcutoutandpasteAdramaforyouThat’llrunforquitesixty—twodays。
Oh,bringmeadressMadeofsatinandlace,Andabook——sayJoeMiller’s——ofwit;
AndI’llmaketheolddramatistsBlueinthefaceWiththeplaythatI’llturnoutforit。
Sobringmethescissors,Andbringmethepaste,Andadozenfineoldcomedies;
Afinelineofdresses,AndpopulartasteI’llmakeastrongefforttoplease。
\"Youdrawaverybluepicture,itseemstome,\"saidShakespeare,sadly。
\"Well,it’strue,\"saidCarlyle。\"Theworldisn’tatallwhatitusedtobeinanyonerespect,andyoufellowswhomadegreatreputationscenturiesagowouldn’thaveeventheghostofashownow。
Idon’tbelieveHomercouldgetapoemacceptedbyamodernmagazine,andwhilethecomicpapersarestillprintingDiogenes’jokestheoldgentlemancouldn’tmakeenoughoutoftheminthesedaystopaytaxesonhistub,letaloneearninghisbread。\"
\"Thatisexactlyso,\"saidTennyson。\"I’dbewillingtowagertoothat,inthelineofpersonalprowess,evenD’ArtagnanandAthosandPorthosandAramiscouldn’tstandLondonforoneday。\"
\"OrNewYorkeither,\"saidMr。Barnum,whohadbeenaninterestedlistener。\"ANewYorkpolicemancouldhavemanagedthatquartetwithonehand。\"
\"Then,\"saidShakespeare,\"intheopinionofyougentlemen,weold—
timelionswouldappeartomoderneyestobemoreorlessstuffed?\"
\"That’saboutthesizeofit,\"saidCarlyle。
\"Butyou’ddraw,\"saidBarnum,hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
\"You’ddriveafive—leggedcalftosuicidefromenvy。IfIcouldtakeyouandCaesar,andNapoleonBonaparteandNerooverforonecircusseasonwe’ddrivethemintoutofbusiness。\"
\"There’syourchance,William,\"saidWard。\"YouwriteaplayforBonaparteandCaesar,andletNerotakehisfiddleandbetheorchestra。UnderBarnum’smanagementyou’dgetenoughactivityinoneseasontolastyouthroughalleternity。\"
\"Youcancountonme,\"saidBarnum,rising。\"Letmeknowwhenyou’vegotyourplanlaidout。I’dstayandmakeacontractwithyounow,butAdamhaspromisedtogivemepointsonthemanagementofwildanimalswithoutcages,soIcan’twait。By—by。\"
\"Humph!\"saidShakespeare,astheeminentshowmanpassedout。
\"That’sagayproposition。WhenmonkeysmoveinpolitesocietyWilliamShakespearewillmakeaside—showofhimselfforacircus。\"
\"Theydonow,\"saidThackeray,quietly。
WhichmerelyprovedthatShakespearedidnotmeanwhathesaid;forinspiteofThackeray’sinsinuationastothemonkeysandpolitesociety,hehasnotyetacceptedtheBarnumproposition,thoughtherecanbenodoubtofitsvaluefromthepointofviewofacircusmanager。
CHAPTERIX:ASTOCOOKERYANDSCULPTURE
RobertBurnsandHomerwereseatedatasmalltableinthedining—
roomofthehouse—boat,discussingeverythingingeneralandtheshadeofaveryexcellentluncheoninparticular。
\"Weareingreatluckto—day,\"saidBurns,ashecutaruddyduckintwain。\"Thisbirdisdonejustright。\"
\"Iagreewithyou,\"returnedHomer,drawinghischairatrifleclosertothetable。\"ComparedtotheonewehadherelastThursday,thisisafeastforthegods。Iwonderwhoitwasthatcookedthisfowloriginally?\"
\"Igiveitup;butIsuspectitwasdonebysomemanwhoknewhisbusiness,\"saidBurns,withasmackofhislips。\"It’sapity,I
think,mydearHomer,thatthereisnomeansbywhichacookmaybecomeimmortal。Cookingisasmuchofanartasisthewritingofpoetry,andjustasthereareimmortalpoetssothereshouldbeimmortalcooks。Seewhatanadvantagethepoethas——hewritessomething,itgoesoutandreachestheinmostsoulofthemanwhoreadsit,anditissigned。Hisworkisknownbecauseheputshisnametoit;butthispoordevilofacook——whereishe?Hehasdonehisworkaswellasthepoeteverdidhis,ithasreachedtheinmostsoulofthemortalwhooriginallyateit,buthecannotgetthegloryofitbecausehecannotputhisnametoit。Ifthecookcouldsignhisworkitwouldbedifferent。\"
\"Youhavehituponagreattruth,\"saidHomer,nodding,ashesometimeswaswonttodo。\"AndyetIfearthat,ingeniousasweare,wecannotdeviseaplantoremedythematter。Idonotknowaboutyou,butIshouldmyselfmuchobjectifmybirdsandmyflapjacks,andotherthings,digestibleandotherwise,thatIeatherewereservedwiththecook’snamewrittenuponthem。Anomeletteissometimesapicture——\"
\"I’veseenomelettesthatlookedlikeoneofTurner’ssunsets,\"
acquiescedBurns。
\"Precisely;andwhenTurnerputsdowninonecornerofhiscanvas,’Turner,fecit,’youdonotobject,butifthecookdidthatwiththeomeletteyouwouldn’tlikeit。\"
\"No,\"saidBurns;\"buthemightfastenatagtoit,withhisnamewrittenuponthat。\"
\"Thatisso,\"saidHomer;\"buttheresultintheendwouldbethesame。Thetagswouldgetlost,orperhapsacarelesswaiter,droppingatrayfullofdainties,wouldgetthetagsofagoodandbadcookmixedintryingtorestorethecontentsofthetraytotheirpreviouscondition。Thetagsystemwouldfail。\"
\"ThereisbutoneotherwaythatIcanthinkof,\"saidBurns,\"andthatwoulddonogoodnowunlesswecanconveyourideasintotheotherworld;thatis,foragreatpoettolendhisgeniustothegreatcook,andmakethelatter’snameimmortalbyputtingitintoapoem。Say,forinstance,thatyouhadeatenafinebitofterrapin,donetothemostexquisitepoint——youcouldhaveaskedthecook’sname,andwrittenanapostrophetoher。Somethinglikethis,forinstance:
Oh,DinahRudd!oh,DinahRudd!
Thouartacookofbluestblood!
NowherewithinThisworldofsinHaveIe’ertastedbetterterrapin。
Doyousee?\"
\"Ido;buteventhen,mydearfellow,thecookwouldfallshortoftruefame。Herexcellencewouldbeamerematterofhearsayevidence,\"saidHomer。
\"Notifyouwentontodescribe,inakeenlyanalyticalmanner,thevirtuesofthatparticularbitofterrapin,\"saidBurns。\"Drawsovividapictureofthedishthatthereaderhimselfwouldtastethatterrapinevenasyoutastedit。\"
\"Youhavehitit!\"criedHomer,enthusiastically。\"Itisagrandplan;buthowtointroduceit——thatisthequestion。\"
\"Wecanhauntsomemodernpoet,andgivehimtheideainthatway,\"
suggestedBurns。\"Hewillseethenoveltyofit,andwillpossiblydisseminatetheideaaswewishittobedisseminated。\"
\"Done!\"saidHomer。\"I’llbeginrightaway。Ifeellikehauntingto—night。I’mgettingtobeaprettyoldghost,butI’llneverlosemyloveofhaunting。\"
Atthispoint,asHomerspoke,afine—lookingspiritenteredtheroom,andtookaseatattheheadofthelongtableatwhichtheregularclubdinnerwasnightlyserved。
\"Why,blessme!\"saidHomer,hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
\"Why,Phidias,isthatyou?\"
\"Ithinkso,\"saidthenew—comer,wearily;\"atanyrate,it’sallthat’sleftofme。\"
\"Comeoverhereandlunchwithus,\"saidHomer。\"YouknowBurns,don’tyou?\"
\"Haven’tthepleasure,\"saidPhidias。
Thepoetandthesculptorwereintroduced,afterwhichPhidiasseatedhimselfatHomer’sside。
\"AreyouanyrelationtoBurnsthepoet?\"theformerasked,addressingtheScotchman。
\"IAMBurnsthepoet,\"repliedtheother。
\"Youdon’tlookmuchlikeyourstatues,\"saidPhidias,scanninghisfacecritically。
\"No,thanktheFates!\"saidBurns,warmly。\"IfIdid,I’dcommitsuicide。\"
\"Whydon’tyousuethesculptorsforlibel?\"askedPhidias。
\"Youspeakwithagreatdealoffeeling,Phidias,\"saidHomer,gravely。\"Havetheydoneanythingtohurtyou?\"
\"Theyhave,\"saidPhidias。\"Ihavejustreturnedfromatouroftheworld。Ihaveseenthethingstheycallsculptureinthesedegeneratedays,andImustconfess——whoshouldn’t,perhaps——thatI
couldhavedonebetterworkwithabaseball—batforachiselandputtyfortherawmaterial。\"
\"IthinkIcoulddogoodworkwithabaseball—battoo,\"saidBurns;
\"butasfortherawmaterial,givemetheheadsofthemenwhohavesculpedmetoworkon。I’dleavethemsothatthey’dlooklikesomeofyourParthenonfriezefigureswiththenosesgone。\"
\"Youareavindictivecreature,\"saidHomer。\"Thesemenyoucriticise,andwhoseheadsyouwishtosculpwithabaseball—bat,havedonemoreforyouthanyoueverdidforthem。Everystatueofyouthesemenhavemadeisastandingadvertisementofyourbooks,andithasn’tcostyouapenny。Thereisn’tadoubtinmymindthatifitwerenotforthosestatuescountlesspeoplewouldgototheirgravessupposingthatthegreatScottishBurnswerelittlerivulets,andnotapoet。Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyouiftheyhaven’tmadeanAdonisofyou?Youneversetthemanexamplebymakingoneofyourself。Ifthere’sdeceptionanywhere,itisn’tyouthatisdeceived;itisthemortals。Andwhocaresaboutthemortheiropinions?\"
\"Ineverthoughtofitinthatway,\"saidBurns。\"Ihatecaricatures——thatis,caricaturesofmyself。Ienjoycaricaturesofotherpeople,but——\"
\"Youhaveagreatdealofthemortalleftinyou,consideringthatyouposeasanimmortal,\"saidHomer,interruptingthespeaker。
\"Well,sohaveI,\"saidPhidias,resolvedtostandbyBurnsintheargument,\"andI’msorryforthemanwhohasn’t。Iwasamortalonce,andI’mgladofit。Ihadagoodtime,andIdon’tcarewhoknowsit。WhenIlookaboutmeandseeJupiter,thearch—snobofcreation,andMars,alittletinwarriorwhocouldn’thavefoughtasoldierlikeNapoleon,withallhisallegeddivinity,IthanktheFatesthattheyenabledmetoachieveimmortalitythroughmortaleffort。Hanghereditarygreatness,Isay。Thesemenwerebornimmortals。YouandIworkedforitandgotit。Weknowwhatitcost。Itwasoursbecauseweearnedit,andnotbecausewewereborntoit。Eh,Burns?\"
TheScotchmannoddedassent,andtheGreeksculptorwenton。
\"Iamnotvindictivemyself,Homer,\"hesaid。\"Nobodyhashurtme,and,onthewhole,Idon’tthinksculptureisinsuchabadway,afterall。There’sashoemakerIwotofinthemortalrealmswhocanturntheprettiestlastyoueversaw;andIencounteredacarverinaLondoneating—houselastmonthwhoturnedoutasliceofbeefthatwascutasartisticallyasIcouldhavedoneitmyself。WhatI
objecttochieflyisthetendencyofthetimes。Thisisanelectricalage,andmeninmyoldprofessionaren’tcontenttoturnoutonechef—d’oeuvreinalifetime。Theytakeordersbythegross。
Iwaiteduponinspiration。To—daythesculptorwaitsuponcustom,andanartistwillmakeabustofanybodyinanymaterialdesiredaslongasheissureofgettinghispayafterwards。Isawalife—sizestatueoftheinventorofanewkindoflardtheotherday,andwhatdoyousupposethematerialwas?Gold?Notbyagreatdeal。Ivory?
Marble,even?Notabitofit。Hewasdoneinlard,sir。Ihaveseenawoman’sheaddoneinbutter,too,anditmakesmedistinctlywearytothinkthatmyartshouldbebroughtsolow。\"
\"YoudidyourbestworkinGreece,\"chuckledHomer。
\"Abadjoke,mydearHomer,\"retortedPhidias。\"IthoughtsculpturewasgettingdowntoaprettylowebbwhenIhadtofashionfriezesoutofmarble;butmarbleismorepreciousthanrubiesalongsideofbutterandlard。\"
\"Eachhasitsuses,\"saidHomer。\"I’dratherhavebutteronmybreadthanmarble,butImustconfessthatforsculptureitisverypoorstuff,asyousay。\"
\"Itisindeed,\"saidPhidias。\"Forpracticeit’sallrighttousebutter,butforexhibitionpurposes——bah!\"
HerePhidias,toshowhiscontemptforbutterasrawmaterialinsculpture,seizedawoodentoothpick,andwithitmodelledabeautifulheadofMinervaoutofthepatthatstooduponthesmallplateathisside,andbeforeBurnscouldinterferehadspreadthechastefigureasthinlyashecoulduponapieceofbread,whichhetossedtotheshadeofahungrydogthatstoodyelpingontheriver—
bank。
\"Heavens!\"criedBurns。\"ImperiousCaesardeadandturnedtobricksisasnothingtoaMinervacarvedbyPhidiasusedtostaythehungerofaraveningcur。\"
\"Well,it’sthewayIfeel,\"saidPhidias,savagely。
\"Ithinkyouareatriflefoolishtobesoeternallyvexedaboutit,\"
saidHomer,soothingly。\"Ofcourseyoufeelbadly,but,afterall,what’stheuse?Youmustknowthatthemortalswouldpaymoreforoneofyourstatuesthantheywouldforaspecimenofanymodernsculptor’sart;yes,evenifyoursweremodelledinwine—jellyandtheotherfellow’sinpuregold。Sowhyrepine?\"
\"You’dfeelthesamewayifpoetsdidasimilarlyvulgarthing,\"
retortedPhidias;\"youknowyouwould。Ifyoushouldhearofapoetto—daywritingapoemonathinlayeroflardorbutter,youwouldyourselfbethefirsttocallahalt。\"
\"No,Ishouldn’t,\"saidHomer,quietly;\"infact,Iwishthepoetswoulddothat。We’dhavefewerbadpoemstoread;andthat’sthewayyoushouldlookatit。Iventuretosaythatifthismodernplanofmakingbustsandfriezesinbutterhadbeenadoptedatanearlierperiod,thepublicplacesinourgreatcitiesandournationalWalhallaswouldseemlesslikerepositoriesofcomicart,sincethefirstcriticalraysofawarmsunwouldhavereducedthecarvenatrocitiesthereintoaspotonthepavement。Thebutterschoolofsculpturehasitsadvantages,myboy,andyoushouldbecrowningtheinventorofthesystemwithlaurel,andnotheapingcoalsoffireuponhisbrow。\"
\"That,\"saidBurns,\"is,afterall,thesolidtruth,Phidias。Takethebrasscaricaturesofme,forinstance。Wherewouldtheybenowiftheyhadbeencastinlardinsteadofinbronze?\"
Phidiaswassilentamoment。
\"Well,\"hesaid,finally,asthevalueoftheplandawneduponhismind,\"fromthatpointofviewIdon’tknowbutwhatyouareright,afterall;and,toshowthatIhavespokeninnovindictivespirit,letmeproposeatoast。Here’stotheButterSculptors。Maytheirbutternevergiveout。\"
Thetoastwasdrainedtothedregs,andPhidiaswenthomefeelingalittlebetter。
CHAPTERX:STORY—TELLERS’NIGHT
ItwasStory—tellers’Nightatthehouseboat,andthebesttalkersofHadeswereimpressedintotheservice。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairmanoftheevening。
\"Puthiminthechair,\"saidRaleigh。\"That’stheonlywaytokeephimfromtellingastoryhimself。Ifhestartsinonatalehe’llmakeitaserialsureasfate,butifyoumakehimthemediumthroughwhichotherstory—tellersareintroducedtotheclubhe’llbefinelyepigrammatic。Hecanbeveryshortandsharpwhenhe’stalkingaboutsomebodyelse。Personalityishisforte。\"
\"Greatscheme,\"saidDiogenes,whowaschairmanoftheentertainmentcommittee。\"Thenightsoverherearelong,butifJohnsonstartedonastorythey’dhavetoreachtwicearoundeternityandhalfwaybacktogivehimtimetofinishallhehadtosay。\"
\"He’snotverywitty,inmyjudgment,\"saidCarlyle,whosincehisarrivalintheotherworldhasmanifestedsomejealousyofSolomonandDoctorJohnson。
\"That’strueenough,\"saidRaleigh;\"buthe’sstrong,andhe’sboundtosaysomethingthatwillputtheaudienceinsympathywiththemanthatheintroduces,andthat’shalfthesuccessofaStory—tellers’
Night。I’vetoldstoriesmyself。Ifyouraudiencedoesn’tsympathizewithyouyou’dbebetteroffathomeputtingthebabytobed。\"
Andsoithappened。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairman,andtheeveningcame。TheDoctorwasingreatform。Alistofthestory—
tellershadbeensenthiminadvance,andhewasprepared。TheaudiencewasaboutasselectaoneascanbefoundinHades。Thedoorswerethrownopentothefriendsofthemembers,andthesmoke—
furnacehadbeenfilledwithaverysuperiorqualityofArcadianmixturewhichScotthadbroughtbackfromahaunting—triptothehomeof\"TheLittleMinister,\"atThrums。
\"Friendsandfellow—spooks,\"theDoctorbegan,whenallwereseatedonthevisionarycamp—stools——which,bytheway,arefarsuperiortothoseinuseinaworldofrealities,becausetheydonotcreakinthemidstofafinepointdemandingabsolutesilenceforappreciation——\"IdonotknowwhyIhavebeenchosentopresideoverthisgatheringofphantoms;itistheprovinceofthepresidingofficeronoccasionsofthissorttosaypleasantthings,whichhedoesnotnecessarilyendorse,aboutthesundrypersonswhoaretodothestory—telling。Now,Isupposeyouallknowmeprettywellbythistime。Ifthereisanybodywhodoesn’t,I’llbegladtohavehimpresentedaftertheformalworkoftheeveningisover,andifI
don’tlikehimI’lltellhimso。YouknowthatifIcanbecounteduponforanyonethingitiscandor,andifIhurtthefeelingsofanyoftheseindividualswhomIintroduceto—night,IwantthemdistinctlytounderstandthatitisnotbecauseIlovethemless,butthatIlovetruthmore。Withthis——ah——blanketapology,asitwere,tocoverallpossibleemergenciesthatmayariseduringtheevening,Iwillbegin。Thefirstspeakerontheprogramme,Iregrettoobserve,ismyfriendGoldsmith。Affairsofthiskindoughttobeginwithasnap,andwhileOliverisamostexcellentwriter,asaspeakerheisapebblelessDemosthenes。IfIhadhadthearrangementoftheprogrammeIshouldhavehadGoldsmithtellhisstorywhiletherestofusweredown—stairsatsupper。However,wemustabidebyourprogramme,whichisunconscionablylong,forotherwisewewillnevergetthroughit。ThoseofyouwhoagreewithmeastothepleasureoflisteningtomyfriendGoldsmithwilldowelltojoinmeinthegrill—roomwhileheisspeaking,where,Iunderstand,thereisaveryfinelineofpunchesreadytobeserved。ModestNoll,willyoukindlyinflictyourselfuponthegathering,andsendmewordwhenyougetthrough,ifyoueverdo,sothatImayreturnandpresentnumbertwototheassembly,whoeverorwhateverhemaybe?\"
WiththesewordstheDoctorretired,andpoorGoldsmith,palewithfear,roseuptospeak。ItwasevidentthathewasquiteasdoubtfulofhisabilityasatalkeraswasJohnson。
\"I’mnotmuchofatalker,or,assomesay,speaker,\"hesaid。
\"Talkingisnotmyforte,asDoctorJohnsonhastoldyou,andIamthereforenotmuchatit。Speakingisnotinmyline。Icannotspeakortalk,asitwere,becauseIamnotparticularlyreadyatthemakingofaspeech,duepartlytothefactthatIamnotmuchofatalkeranyhow,andseldomifeverspeak。Iwillthereforenotboreyoubyattemptingtospeak,sinceaspeechbyonewholikemyselfis,asyouarepossiblyaware,notafluentnorindeedinanysenseaneloquentspeaker,isapttobeaboretothosewhowillbekindenoughtolistentomyremarks,butwillreadinsteadthefirstfivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefield。\"
\"Whosuggestedanysuchnightasthis,anyhow?\"growledCarlyle。
\"FivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefieldforastarter!Lordsaveus,we’llneedaVicarofSleepfieldifhe’sallowedtodothis!\"
\"Imoveweadjourn,\"saidDarwin。
\"Can’tsomethingbedonetokeeptheseyoungermembersquiet?\"askedSolomon,frowninguponCarlyleandDarwin。
\"Yes,\"saidDouglasJerrold。\"LetGoldsmithgoon。He’llhavethemasleepintenminutes。\"
Meanwhile,Goldsmithwasploddingearnestlythroughhisstint,utterlyandhappilyobliviousoftheeffecthewashavinguponhisaudience。
\"Thisisawful,\"whisperedWellingtontoBonaparte。
\"WorsethanWaterloo,\"repliedtheex—Emperor,withagrin;\"butwecanstopitinaminute。ArtemasWardtoldmeoncehowacamp—
meetingheattendedintheWestbrokeuptogooutsideandseeadog—
fight。Can’tyouandIpretendtoquarrel?ApersonalassaultbyyouonmewillwakethesepeopleupanddiscombobulateGoldsmith。
Saytheword——onlydon’thittoohard。\"
\"I’mwithyou,\"saidWellington。Whereupon,withagreatshowofheat,heroaredout,\"You?Never!I’mmoreafraidofaboywithabean—snapperthatIeverwasofyou!\"andfolloweduphisremarkbypullingBonaparte’scamp—chairfromunderhim,andlettingtheconquerorofAusterlitzfalltothefloorwithathudwhichIhavesincehearddescribedasdullandsickening。
Theeffectwasinstantaneous。ComparedtoapersonalencounterbetweenthetwogreatfiguresofWaterloo,areadingfromhisownworksbyGoldsmithseemedlackingintheelementsessentialtotheholdingofanaudience。Consequently,attentionwascentredinthebelligerentwarriors,and,bysomeoddmistake,whenapeace—lovingmemberoftheassemblage,realizingtheindecorousnessoftheincident,criedout,\"Puthimout!puthimout!\"theattendantsrushedin,and,takingpoorGoldsmithbyhiscollar,hustledhimoutthroughthedoor,acrossthedeck,andtossedhimashorewithoutreferencetothegang—plank。Thisaccomplished,apersonalexplanationoftheircoursewasmadebythequarrellinggenerals,and,peacehavingbeenrestored,acommitteewassentinsearchofGoldsmithwithsuitableapologies。Thegoodandkindlysoulreturned,buthavinglosthisbookinthemelee,muchtohisowngratification,aswellastothatoftheaudience,hewaspermittedtorestinquietthebalanceoftheevening。
\"Ishethrough?\"saidJohnson,pokinghisheadinatthedoorwhenorderwasrestored。
\"Yes,sir,\"saidBoswell;\"thatistosay,hehasretiredpermanentlyfromthefield。Hedidn’tfinish,though。\"
\"Fellow—spooks,\"beganJohnsononcemore,\"nowthatyouhavebeendelightedwiththehoneyedeloquenceofthelastspeaker,itismyprivilegetopresenttoyouthateminentfabulistBaronMunchausen,thegreatestunrealistofalltime,whowillgiveyouanexhibitionofhisparadoxicalpoweroflyingwhilestanding。\"
TheapplausewhichgreetedtheBaronwasdeafening。Hewas,beyondalldoubt,oneofthemostpopularmembersoftheclub。
\"Speakingofwhales,\"saidhe,leaninggracefullyagainstthetable。
\"Nobodyhasmentioned’em,\"saidJohnson。
\"True,\"retortedtheBaron;\"butyoualwayssuggestthembyyourapparentlyunquenchablethirstforspouting——speakingofwhales,myfriendJonah,aswellastherestofyou,maybeinterestedtoknowthatIoncehadanexperiencesimilartohisown,and,strangetosay,withtheidenticalwhale。\"
Jonaharosefromhisseatinthebackoftheroom。\"Idonotwishtobeunpleasant,\"hesaid,withastrongefforttobecalm,\"butIwishtoaskifJudgeBlackstoneisintheroom。\"
\"Iam,\"saidtheJudge,rising。\"WhatcanIdoforyou?\"
\"IdesiretoapplyforaninjunctionrestrainingtheBaronfromusingmywhaleinhisstory。Thatwhale,yourhonor,iscopyrighted,\"saidJonah。\"IfIhadanyotherclaimtotheaffectionofmankindthantheonewhichisbasedonmyexperiencewiththatleviathan,IwouldwillinglypermittheBarontointroducehimintohisstory;butthatwhale,yourhonor,ismystockintrade——heismyall。\"
\"IthinkJonah’spointiswelltaken,\"saidBlackstone,turningtotheBaron。\"Itwouldbeadistincthardship,Ithink,iftheplaintiffinthisactionweretobedeprivedoftheexclusiveuseofhissoleaccessory。Theinjunctionprayedforisthereforegranted。
Thecourtwouldsuggest,however,thattheBaroncontinuewithhisstory,usinganotherwhaleforthepurpose。\"
\"Itisimpossible,\"saidMunchausen,gloomily。\"ThewholepointofthestorydependsuponitshavingbeenJonah’swhale。Underthecircumstances,theonlythingIcandoistositdown。IregretthenarrownessofmindexhibitedbymyfriendJonah,butImustrespectthedecisionofthecourt。\"
\"ImusttakeexceptiontotheBaron’sallusiontomynarrownessofmind,\"saidJonah,withsomeshowofheat。\"Iamsimplydefendingmyrights,andIintendtocontinuetodosoifthewholeworldunitesinconsideringmymindamereslotscarcelywideenoughfortheinsertionofanickel。Thatwhalewasmydiscovery,andthepersonaldiscomfortIenduredinperfectingmyexperiencewassuchthatI
resolvedtorestmyreputationuponhisbroadproportionsonly——tosinkorswimwithhim——andIcannotatthislatedaypermitanothertocrowdmeoutofhisexclusiveuse。\"
Jonahsatdownandfannedhimself,andtheBaron,withalookofdisgustonhisface,lefttheroom。
\"Uptohisoldtricks,\"hegrowledashewent。\"Hequeerseverythinghegoesinto。IfI’dknownhewasamemberofthisclubI’dneverhavejoined。\"
\"Wedonotappeartobeprogressingveryrapidly,\"saidDoctorJohnson,rising。\"Sofarwehavemadetwoeffortstohavestoriestold,andhavemetwithdisastereachtime。Idon’tknowbutwhatyouaretobecongratulated,however,onyourescape。Veryfewofyou,Iobserve,haveasyetfallenasleep。Thenextnumberontheprogramme,Isee,isBoswell,whowastohaveentertainedyouwithafewreminiscences;Isaywastohavedoneso,becauseheisnottodoso。\"
\"I’mready,\"saidBoswell,rising。
\"Nodoubt,\"retortedJohnson,severely,\"butIamnot。Youareamanwithonesubject——myself。Iadmitit’sagoodsubject,butyouarenotthemantotreatofit——here。Youmaysufficeformortals,buthereitisdifferent。Icanspeakformyself。YoucangooutandsitonthebanksoftheVitriolReservoirandlecturetotheimpsifyouwantto,butwhenitcomestoreminiscencesofmeI’mondeckmyself,andIflattermyselfIrememberwhatIsaidanddidmoreaccuratelythanyoudo。Therefore,gentlemen,insteadoflisteningtoBoswellatthispoint,youwillkindlyexcusehimandlistentome。Ahem!WhenIwasaboy——\"
\"Excuseme,\"saidSolomon,rising;\"abouthowlongisthis——ah——thisentertainingdiscourseofyourstocontinue?\"
\"UntilIgetthrough,\"returnedJohnson,wrathfully。
\"Areyouaware,sir,thatIamontheprogramme?\"askedSolomon。
\"Iam,\"saidtheDoctor。\"Withthatinmind,forthesakeofourfellow—spookswhoarepresent,Iamverymuchinclinedtokeeponforever。WhenIwasaboy——\"
Carlyleroseupatthispoint。
\"Ishouldliketoask,\"hesaid,mildly,\"ifthisissupposedtobeanaudienceofchildren?I,forone,havenowishtolistentothejuvenilestoriesofDoctorJohnson。Furthermore,Ihavecomehereparticularlyto—nighttohearBoswell。IwanttocomparehimwithFroude。Ithereforeprotestagainst——\"
\"Thereisarooftothishouse—boat,\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"IfMr。
CarlylewillretiretotheroofwithBoswellIhavenodoubthecanbeaccommodated。AsforSolomon’sinterruption,Icanaffordtopassthatoverwiththesilentcontemptitdeserves,thoughImayaddwithproprietythatIconsiderhismostfamousproverbsthemostabsurdbitsofhack—workIeverencountered;andasforthatstoryaboutdividingababybetweentwomothersbysplittingitintwo,itwasgrosslyinhumanunlessthebabywastwins。WhenIwasaboy——\"
AstheDoctorproceeded,CarlyleandSolomon,accompaniedbythenowangryBoswell,lefttheroom,andmyaccountoftheStory—tellers’
Nightmustperforcestop;because,thoughIhaveneverheretoforeconfessedit,allmyinformationconcerningthehouse—boatontheStyxhasbeenderivedfromthememorandaofBoswell。Itmaybeinterestingtothereadertolearn,however,that,accordingtoBoswell’saccount,theStory—tellers’Nightwasneverfinished;butwhetherthismeansthatitbrokeupimmediatelyafterwardsinariot,orthatDoctorJohnsonisstillatworkdetailinghisreminiscences,Iamnotaware,andIcannotatthemomentofwritingascertain,forBoswell,whenIhavethepleasureofmeetinghim,invariablyavoidsthesubject。
CHAPTERXI:ASTOSAURIANSANDOTHERS
ItwasNoahwhospoke。
\"I’mglad,\"hesaid,\"thatwhenIembarkedatthetimeoftheheavyrainsthatdidsomuchdamageintheolddays,thereweren’tanydogslikethatfellowCerberusabout。IfI’dhadtofeedalotofthree—
headedbeastslikehimtheArkwouldhaverunshortofprovisionsinsideoftendays。\"
\"That’sverylikelytrue,\"observedMr。Barnum;\"butImustconfess,mydearNoah,thatyoushowedalamentablelackoftheshowman’sinstinctwhenyouselectedtheanimalsyoudid。Amorecommonplacelotofbeastswerenevergatheredtogether,andwhileAdamisheldresponsiblefortheintroductionofsinintotheworld,Iattributemostofmyoffencestononeotherthanyourself。\"
Themembersoftheclubdrewtheirchairsalittlecloser。Theconversationhadopenedatriflespicily,and,furthermore,theyhadretainedenoughoftheirmortalitytobeinterestedinanimalstories。Adam,whohadmanagedtosettlehisbackduesanddelinquenthouse—charges,andoncemoreacquiredtheprivilegesoftheclub,noddedhisheadgratefullyatMr。Barnum。
\"I’mgladtofindsomeone,\"saidhe,\"whoplacestheresponsibilityfortroublewhereitbelongs。I’mround—shoulderedwiththeblameI’vehadtobear。Ididn’tinventsinanymorethanIinventedthetelephone,andIthinkit’sratherroughonafellowwholivedaquiet,retiring,pastorallife,mindinghisownbusinessandstayinghomenights,tobehelduptopublicreprobationforaslongatimeasIhave。\"
\"It’llbeallrightintime,\"saidRaleigh;\"justwait——bepatient,andyourvindicationwillcome。NobodythoughtmuchoftheplaysBaconandIwroteforShakespeareuntilShakespeare’dbeendeadacentury。\"
\"Humph!\"saidAdam,gloomily。\"Wait!WhathaveIbeendoingallthistime?I’vewaitedallthetimethere’sbeensofar,anduntilMr。BarnumspokeashedidIhaven’tobservedtheslightestinclinationonthepartofanybodytorehabilitatemylostreputation。NordoIseeexactlyhowit’stocomeaboutevenifIdowait。\"
\"Youmightapplyforaninvestigatingcommitteetolookintothecharges,\"suggestedanAmericanpolitician,justover。\"Getyourfriendsonit,andyou’llbeallright。\"
\"Betterletsleepingdogslie,\"saidBlackstone。
\"Iintendto,\"saidAdam。\"Thefactis,Ihatetogiveanyfurtherpublicitytothematter。EvenifIdidbringthecaseintocourtandsueforlibel,I’veonlygotonewitnesstoprovemyinnocence,andthat’smywife。I’mnotgoingtodragherintoit。She’sgotnervousprostrationoverherpositionasitis,andthiswouldmakeitworse。QueenElizabethandtherestofthesesnobsinsocietywon’tinvitehertoanyoftheirfunctionsbecausetheysayshehadn’tanygrandfather;andevenifshewerereceivedbythem,she’dbeuncomfortablegoingabout。Itisn’tpleasantforawomantofeelthateveryoneknowsshe’stheoldestwomanintheroom。\"
\"Well,takemywordforit,\"saidRaleigh,kindly。\"It’llallcomeoutallright。Youknowtheoldsaying,’Historyrepeatsitself。’
SomedayyouwillbelivingbackinEdenagain,andifyouareonlycarefultomakeanexactrecordofallyoudo,andhaveanotarypresent,beforewhomyoucanmakeanaffidavitastothefacts,youwillbeabletodemonstrateyourinnocence。\"
\"Iwasonlycondemnedonhearsayevidence,anyhow,\"saidAdam,ruefully。
\"Nonsense;youwerecaughtred—handed,\"saidNoah;\"mygrandfathertoldmeso。AndnowthatI’vegotachancetoslipinawordedgewise,I’dlikemightilytohaveyouexplainyourstatement,Mr。
Barnum,thatIamresponsibleforyourerrors。Thatisaseriouschargetobringagainstamanofmyreputation。\"
\"Imeansimplythis:thattomakeashowinteresting,\"saidMr。
Barnum,\"amanhasgottoprovideinterestingmaterials,that’sall。
Idonotmeantosayawordthatisinanywayderogatorytoyourmorality。Youwereasurprisinglygoodmanforasea—captain,andwiththeexceptionofthatoneoccasionwhenyou——ah——youallowedyourselftobestrandedonthebar,ifImaysoputit,Iknowofnothingtobesaidagainstyouasamoral,temperateperson。\"
\"Thatwasonlyanaccident,\"saidNoah,reddening。\"Youcan’texpectamansixhundredoddyearsofage——\"
\"Certainlynot,\"saidRaleigh,soothingly,\"andnobodythinkslessofyouforit。Consideringhowyoumusthavehatedthesightofwater,thewonderofitisthatitdidn’tbecomeafixedhabit。LetushearwhatitisthatMr。Barnumdoescriticiseinyou。\"
\"Histaste,that’sall,\"saidMr。Barnum。\"Icontendthat,comparedtotheanimalshemighthavehad,theoneshedidhavewereasant—
hillstoAlps。ThereweremoremagnificentzoosallowedtodieoutthroughNoah’slackofjudgmentthanonelikestothinkof。TaketheProterosaurus,forinstance。Whereonearthdowefindhisequalto—
day?\"
\"Yououghttobemightygladyoucan’tfindonelikehim,\"putinAdam。\"Ifyou’dspentaweekintheGardenofEdenwithme,withlizardseightfeetlongdroppingoutofthetreesontoyourlapwhileyouweretryingtotakeaSunday—afternoonnap,you’dbewillingtodispensewiththingsofthatsortforthebalanceofyournaturallife。Ifyouwanttogetanideaofthatexperienceletsomebodydropacalfonyousomeafternoon。\"
\"Iamnotsayinganythingaboutthat,\"returnedBarnum。\"Itwouldbeunpleasanttohaveanelephantdropononeafterthefashionofwhichyouspeak,butIamgladtheelephantwassavedjustthesame。I
haven’tadvocatedtheProterosaurusasaSunday—afternoonsurprise,butasanattractionforashow。Istillmaintainthatalizardasbigasacowwouldprovealodestone,thedrawingpowersofwhichthepocket—moneyofthesmallboywouldbeutterlyunabletoresist。
ThentherewastheIguanadon。He’dhavebroughtafortunetothebox—office——\"
\"Whichyou’dhaveimmediatelylost,\"retortedNoah,\"payingrent。
Whenyougetareptileofhissize,thatreachesthirtyfeetupintotheairwhenhestandsonhishind—legs,theordinarycircuswagonofcommercecan’tbemadetoholdhim,andyourmenagerie—roomhastohaveceilingssohighthateverypennyhebroughttothebox—officewouldbespentstoringhim。\"
\"Mischievous,too,\"saidAdam,\"thatIguanadon。Youcouldn’tkeepanythingoutofhisreach。Weusedtoforbidanimalsofhiskindtoenterthegarden,butthatdidn’tbotherhim;he’dstanduponhishind—legsandreachoverandstealanythinghe’dhappentowant。\"
\"Icouldhaveusedhimforafire—escape,\"saidMr。Barnum;\"andasformyinabilitytoprovidehimwithquarters,I’dhavemetthatproblemafterashortwhile。I’vealwayslamentedtheabsence,too,oftheMegalosaurus——\"
\"Whichsimplyshowshowignorantyouare,\"retortedNoah。\"Why,mydearfellow,itwouldhavetakenthewholeofanordinaryzoosuchasyourstogivetheMegalosaurusalunch。Thosefellowswouldeatarhinocerosaseasilyasyou’dcrackapeanut。IdidhaveacoupleofMegalosauriansonmyboatforjusttwenty—fourhours,andthenI
chuckedthembothoverboard。IfI’dkeptthemtendayslongerthey’dhaveeateneveryblessedbeastIhadwithme,andyourZoowouldn’thavehadanythingelsebutMegalosaurians。\"
\"Papaisrightaboutthat,Mr。Barnum,\"saidShem。\"ThewholeSauriantribewasafearfulnuisance。AboutfourhundredyearsbeforethefloodIhadapetCreosaurusthatIkeptinourbarn。Hewasacunninglittledevil——fulloftricks,andallthat;butwenevercouldkeepacoworahorseontheplacewhilehewasabout。
They’dmysteriouslydisappear,andweneverknewwhatbecameof’emuntilonemorningwesurprisedFidoin——\"
\"Surprisedwho?\"askedDoctorJohnson,scornfully。
\"Fido,\"returnedShem。\"’ThatwasmyCreosaurus’sname。\"
\"Lordsaveus!Fido!\"criedJohnson。\"WhatanameforaCreosaurus!\"
\"Well,whatofit?\"askedShem,angrily。\"Youwouldn’thaveuscallamastodonlikethatFanny,wouldyou,orTatters?\"
\"Goon,\"saidJohnson;\"I’venothingtosay。\"
\"ShallIsendforaphysician?\"putinBoswell,lookinganxiouslyathischief,thesituationwassoextraordinary。
SolomonandCarlylegiggled;andtheDoctorhavingpolitelyrequestedBoswelltogotoawarmersectionofthecountry,Shemresumed。
\"IcaughthimintheactofswallowingfivecowsandHam’sfavoritetrotter,sulkyandall。\"
BaronMunchausenroseupandlefttheroom。
\"Ifthey’regoingtolieI’mgoingtogetout,\"hesaid,ashepassedthroughtheroom。
\"WhatbecameofFido?\"askedBoswell。
\"Thesulkykilledhim,\"returnedShem,innocently。\"Hecouldn’tdigestthewheels。\"
Noahlookedapprovinglyathisson,and,turningtoBarnum,observed,quietly:
\"Whathesaysistrue,andIwillgofurtherandsaythatitismybeliefthatyouwouldhavefoundtheshowbusinessimpossibleifI
hadtakenthatsortofcreatureaboard。You’dhavegotmightilydiscouragedafteryourAntediluvianshadchewedupafewdozensteamcalliopes,andeateneveryotherable—bodiedexhibityouhadmanagedtosecure。I’dhavetriedtosaveacoupleofDiscosauriansifI
hadn’tsupposedtheywereabletotakecareofthemselves。A
combinationofsea—serpentanddragon,withanecktwenty—twofeetlong,itseemedtome,oughttohavebeenabletorideoutanystormorfallofrain;butthereIwaswrong,andIamfreetoadmitmyerror。Itneveroccurredtomethatthesea—serpentswereinanydanger,soIletthemalone,withtheresultthatIneversawbutoneother,andhewasonlyanillusionduetothatunhappyuseofstimulantstowhich,withshockingbadtaste,youhavechosentorefer。\"
\"Ididn’tmeantocallupunpleasantmemories,\"saidBarnum。\"I
neverbelievedyougothalf—seasover,anyhow;but,toreturntoourmuttons,whydidn’tyouhanddownafewvarietiesoftheTheriumfamilytoposterity?ThereweretheDinotheriumandtheMegatherium,eitheroneofwhichwouldhaveknockedspotsoutofanyleopardthateverwasmade,andalongsideofwhichevenmywoollyhorsewouldhavepaledintoinsignificance。That’swhatIcan’tunderstandinyourselections;withMegatheriumstoburn,whysaveleopardsandpanthersandothersuchevery—daycreatures?\"
\"WhatkindofaboatdoyousupposeIhad?\"criedNoah。\"Doyouimagineforamomentthatshewasfourmilesonthewater—line,withamileandthree—quartersbeam?IfI’dhadapairofDinotheriumsinthesternofthatArk,she’dhavetippedupforeandaft,untilshe’dhavelookedlikeatelegraph—poleinthewater,andifI’dput’emamidshipsthey’dhavehadtobewedgedinsotightlytheycouldn’tmovetokeepthevesseltrim。Ididn’tgotosea,myfriend,forthepurposeofbeingtippedoverinmid—oceaneverytimeoneofmycargowantedtoshifthisweightfromonelegtotheother。\"
\"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants,wasn’tit,papa?\"saidShem。
\"Yes,indeed,myson,\"returnedthepatriarch。\"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants。Wehadtoshiftourballasthalfadozentimesadaytokeeptheboatfromtravellingonherbeamends,theelephantsmovedaboutsomuch;andwhenwecametothequestionofprovender,ittookupaboutnine—tenthsofourholdtostorehayandpeanutsenoughtokeepthemaliveandgood—tempered。Onthewhole,Ithinkit’sratherlateintheday,consideringthetroubleItooktosaveanythingbutmyselfandmyfamily,tobecriticisedasInowam。Yououghttobemuchobligedtomeforsavinganyanimalsatall。Mostpeopleinmypositionwouldhavebuiltayachtforthemselvesandfamily,andleteverythingelseslide。\"
\"Thatisquitetrue,\"observedRaleigh,withapacificatorynodatNoah。\"Youwereeminentlyunselfish,andwhile,withMr。Barnum,I
exceedinglyregretthattheSauriansandTheriiandothertribeswereleftonthepierwhenyousailed,Ineverthelessthinkthatyoushowedmostexcellentjudgmentatthetime。\"
\"Hewastheonlymanwhohadanyatall,forthatmatter,\"suggestedShem,\"anditrequiredallhiscouragetoshowit。Everybodywasguyinghim。Sinnersstoodaroundtheyardalldayandeveryday,criticisingthemodel;onescofferpretendedhethoughtheracanal—
boat,andaskedhowdeepthefloodwaslikelytobeonthetow—path,andwhetherweintendedtousemulesinshallowwaterandgiraffesindeep;anotheraskedwhattimeallowanceweexpectedtogetinafifteen—milerun,andhintedthatayearandtwomonthspermilestruckhimasbeingtheproperthing——\"
\"Itwasfarfrompleasant,\"saidNoah,tappinghisfingerstogetherreflectively。\"Idon’twanttogothroughitagain,andif,asRaleighsuggests,historyislikelytorepeatherself,I’llsubletthecontracttoBarnumhere,andlethimgetthechaff。\"
\"Itwasallrightintheend,though,dad,\"saidShem。\"Wehadthegreatlaughon’hoipolloi’theseconddayout。\"
\"Wedid,indeed,\"saidNoah。\"Whenwetold’emweonlycarriedfirst—classpassengersandhadnoroomforemigrants,theybegantoseethattheArkwasn’tsuchanoldtub,afterall;andagoodninetypercent。ofthemwouldhavegiventendollarsforalittleofthattimeallowancethey’dbeentalkingtousaboutforseveralcenturies。\"
Noahlapsedintoamusingsilence,andBarnumrosetoleave。
\"Istillwishyou’dsavedaDiscosaurus,\"hesaid。\"Acreaturewithanecktwenty—twofeetlongwouldhavebeenagoldminetome。Hecouldhavebeentrainedtostandinthering,andbystretchingouthisneckbitethelittleboyswhosneakinunderthetentandoccupyseatsonthetoprow。\"
\"Well,foryoursake,\"saidNoah,withasmile,\"I’mverysorry;butformyown,I’mquitesatisfiedwiththegeneralresults。\"
Andtheyallagreedthatthepatriarchhadeveryreasontobepleasedwithhimself。
CHAPTERXII:THEHOUSE—BOATDISAPPEARS
QueenElizabeth,attendedbyOpheliaandXanthippe,waswalkingalongtheriver—bank。Itwasabeautifulautumnday,although,owingtocertainclimaticpeculiaritiesofHades,itseemedmorelikemidsummer。Themercuryintheclubthermometerwasnervouslyclickingagainstthetopofthecrystaltube,andpoorCerberuswashavingallhecoulddowithhisthreemouthssnappingupthepestiferouslittleshadesofby—gonegnatsthatseemedtotakeanalmostunholypleasureinalightinguponhisvariousnosesandears。
Opheliawasdoingmostofthetalking。
\"IamsureIhaveneverwishedtorideoneofthem,\"shesaid,positively。\"Inthefirstplace,Idonotseewherethepleasureofitcomesin,and,inthesecond,itseemstomeasifskirtsmustbedangerous。Iftheyshouldcatchinoneofthepedals,wherewouldI
be?\"
\"Inthehospitalshortly,methinks,\"saidQueenElizabeth。
\"Well,Ishouldn’twearskirts,\"snappedXanthippe。\"Ifaman’swifecan’tborrowsomeofherhusband’sclothingtoreduceherperiltoaminimum,whatistheuseofhavingahusband?WhenItaketothebicycle,which,inspiteofallSocratescansay,Ifullyintendtodo,Ishallhaveaman’swheel,andIshallwearSocrates’olddress—
clothes。IfHadesdoesn’tlikeit,Hadesmaysuffer。\"
\"Idon’tseehowSocrates’clotheswillhelpyou,\"observedOphelia。
\"Heworeskirtshimself,justlikealltheotheroldGreeks。Histogawouldbequiteasapttocatchinthegearasyourskirts。\"
Xanthippelookedpuzzledforamoment。ItwasevidentthatshehadnotthoughtofthepointwhichOpheliahadbroughtup——strong—mindedladiesofherkindareaptsometimestooverlookimportantlinksinsuchchainsofevidenceastheyfeelcalledupontouseinbindingthemselvestotheirrights。
\"Thewomenofyourdaywererelievedofthatdressproblem,atanyrate,\"laughedQueenElizabeth。
\"Thewomenofmyday,\"retortedXanthippe,\"inmattersofdressweretheequalsoftheirhusbands——inmyfamilyparticularly;nowtheyhavelosttheirrights,andaremadetoconfinethemselvesstilltogarmentslikethoseofyore,whilemanhasarrogatedtohimselfthesoleandexclusiveuseofsanehabiliments。However,thatisapartfromthequestion。IwassayingthatIshallhaveaman’swheel,andshallwearSocrates’olddress—clothestorideitin,ifSocrateshastogooutandbuyanolddress—suitforthepurpose。\"
TheQueenarchedherbrowsandlookedinquiringlyatXanthippeforamoment。
\"Amagnificentoldmaidwaslosttotheworldwhenyoumarried,\"shesaid。\"Feelingasyoudoaboutmen,mydearXanthippe,Idon’tseewhyyouevertookahusband。\"
\"Humph!\"retortedXanthippe。\"Ofcourseyoudon’t。Youdidn’tneedahusband。Youwerebornwithsomethingtogovern。Iwasn’t。\"
\"Howaboutyourtemper?\"suggestedOphelia,meekly。
Xanthippesniffedfrigidlyatthisremark。
\"InevershouldhavegonecrazyoveramanifI’dremainedunmarriedfortythousandyears,\"sheretorted,severely。\"ImarriedSocratesbecauseIlovedhimandadmiredhissculpture;butwhenhegaveupsculptureandbecameathinkerhesimplytriedmebeyondallendurance,hewassothoughtless,withtheresultthat,havingventuredonceortwicetoshowmynaturalresentment,Ihavebeenhandeddowntoposterityasashrew。I’venevercomplained,andI
don’tcomplainnow;butwhenawomanismarriedtoaphilosopherwhoissotakenupwithhisstudiesthatwhenherisesinthemorninghedoesn’tlookwhatheisdoing,andgoesofftohisbusinessinhiswife’sclothes,Ithinksheisentitledtoacertainamountofsympathy。\"
\"Andyetyouwishtowearhis,\"persistedOphelia。
\"Turnaboutisfair—play,\"saidXanthippe。\"I’vesufferedsomuchonhisaccountthatontheprincipleofaverageshedeservestohavealittledropofbittersinhisnectar。\"
\"Youaresimplythevictimofman’sdeceit,\"saidElizabeth,wishingtomollifythenowangryXanthippe,whowasonthevergeoftears。
\"Iunderstoodmen,fortunately,andsonevermarried。Iknewmyfather,andevenifIhadn’tbeenawiseenoughchildtoknowhim,I
shouldnothavewed,becausehemarriedenoughtolastonefamilyforseveralyears。\"
\"Youmusthavehadahardtimerefusingallthoselovelymen,though,\"sighedOphelia。\"Ofcourse,SirWalterwasn’tashandsomeasmydearHamlet,buthewasveryfetching。\"
\"Icannotdenythat,\"saidElizabeth,\"andIdidn’treallyhavethehearttosaynowhenheaskedme;butIdidtellhimthatifhemarriedmeIshouldnotbecomeMrs。Raleigh,butthatheshouldbecomeKingElizabeth。HefledtoVirginiaonthenextsteamer。Mydiplomacyridmeofaveryunpleasantduty。\"
Chattingthus,thethreefamousspiritspassedslowlyalongthepathuntiltheycametotheshelterednookinwhichthehouse—boatlayatanchor。
\"There’sacaseinpoint,\"saidXanthippe,asthehouse—boatloomedupbeforethem。\"Allthatluxuryisformen;wewomenarenotpermittedtocrossthegangplank。Ourhusbandsandbrothersandfriendsgothere;thedoorclosesonthem,andtheyareascompletelylosttousasthoughtheyneverexisted。Wedon’tknowwhatgoesoninthere。Socratestellsmethattheiramusementsareofamostinnocentnature,buthowdoIknowwhathemeansbythat?
Furthermore,itkeepshimfromhome,whileIhavetostayathomeandbeentertainedbymysons,whomtheEncyclopaediaBritannicarightlycallsdullandfatuous。Inotherwords,clublifeforhim,anddulnessandfatuityforme。\"
\"Ithinkmyselfthey’reratherqueeraboutlettingwomenintothatboat,\"saidQueenElizabeth。\"Butitisn’tSirWalter’sfault。HetoldmehetriedtohavethemestablishaLadies’Day,andthattheyagreedtodoso,buthavesinceresistedallhiseffortstohaveadatesetforthefunction。\"
\"Itwouldbegreatfuntostealintherenow,wouldn’tit,\"giggledOphelia。\"Theredoesn’tseemtobeanybodyabouttopreventourdoingso。\"
\"That’strue,\"saidXanthippe。\"Allthewindowsareclosed,asiftherewasn’tasoulthere。I’vehalfamindtotakeapeepinatthehouse。\"
\"Iamwithyou,\"saidElizabeth,herfacelightingupwithpleasure。
Itwasagreatnovelty,andanunpleasantonetoher,tofindsomeplacewhereshecouldnotgo。\"Let’sdoit,\"sheadded。
Sothethreewomentiptoedsoftlyupthegang—plank,and,silentlyboardingthehouse—boat,peepedinatthewindows。Whattheysawmerelywhettedtheircuriosity。
\"Imustseemore,\"criedElizabeth,rushingaroundtothedoor,whichopenedathertouch。XanthippeandOpheliafollowedcloseonherheels,andshortlytheyfoundthemselves,open—mouthedinwonderingadmiration,inthebilliard—roomofthefloatingpalace,andRichard,theghostofthebestbilliard—roomattendantinoroutofHades,stoodbeforethem。
\"Excuseme,\"hesaid,verymuchupsetbythesuddenapparitionoftheladies。\"I’mverysorry,butladiesarenotadmittedhere。\"
\"Weareequallysorry,\"retortedElizabeth,assuminghermostimperiousmanner,\"thatyourmastershaveseenfittoprohibitourbeinghere;but,nowthatwearehere,weintendtomakethemostoftheopportunity,particularlyasthereseemtobenomembersabout。
Whathasbecomeofthemall?\"
Richardsmiledbroadly。\"Idon’tknowwheretheyare,\"hereplied;
butitwasevidentthathewasnottellingtheexacttruth。
\"Oh,come,myboy,\"saidtheQueen,kindly,\"youdoknow。SirWaltertoldmeyoukneweverything。Wherearethey?\"
\"Well,ifyoumustknow,ma’am,\"returnedRichard,captivatedbytheQueen’smanner,\"they’veallgonedowntherivertoseeaprize—fightbetweenGoliathandSamson。\"
\"Seethere!\"criedXanthippe。\"That’swhatthisclubmakespossible。
SocratestoldmehewascomingheretotakeluncheonwithCarlyle,andthey’vebothof’emgoneofftoadisgustingprize—fight!\"
\"Yes,ma’am,theyhave,\"saidRichard;\"andifGoliathwins,Idon’tthinkMr。Socrateswillgethomethisevening。\"
\"Betting,eh?\"saidXanthippe,scornfully。
\"Yes,ma’am,\"returnedRichard。
\"Moreclub!\"criedXanthippe。
\"Ohno,ma’am,\"saidRichard。\"Bettingisnotallowedintheclub;
they’reverystrictaboutthat。Buttheshoreisonlytenfeetoff,ma’am,andthegentlemenalwaysgoashoreandmaketheirbets。\"
DuringthislittlecolloquyElizabethandOpheliawerewanderingabout,admiringeverythingtheysaw。
\"IdowishLucretiaBorgiaandCalpurniacouldseethis。IwonderiftheCaesarsareonthetelephone,\"Elizabethsaid。InvestigationshowedthatboththeBorgiasandtheCaesarswereonthewire,andinshortorderthetwoladieshadbeenmadeacquaintedwiththestateofaffairsatthehouse—boat;andastheywerebothquiteasanxioustoseetheinteriorofthemuch—talked—ofclub—houseastheothers,theywerenotlonginarriving。Furthermore,theybroughtwiththemhalfadozenmoreladies,amongwhomwereDesdemonaandCleopatra,andthenbeganthemostextraordinarysessionthehouse—boateverknew。
Ameetingwascalled,withElizabethinthechair,andallthebestladiesoftheStygianrealmswereelectedmembers。Xanthippe,amidthegreatestapplause,movedthateverymalememberoftheorganizationbeexpelledforconductunworthyofagentlemaninattendingaprize—fight,andencouragingtwosuchhorriblecreaturesasGoliathandSamsonintheirnefariouspursuits。Desdemonasecondedthemotion,anditwascarriedwithoutadissentingvoice,althoughMrs。Caesar,withbecomingdignity,merelysmiledapproval,notcaringtotakeparttooactivelyintheproceedings。
Themenhavingthusbeendisposedofinasummaryfashion,RichardwaselectedJanitorinCharon’splace,andtheclubwasentirelyreorganized,withCleopatraaspermanentPresident。Themeetingthenadjourned,andtheinvaderssetaboutenjoyingtheirnewlyacquiredprivileges。Thesmoking—roomwasthrongedforafewmoments,butowingtotheextraordinarystrengthofthetobaccowhichthefaithfulRichardshovelledintothefurnace,itdevelopednoenduringpopularity,Xanthippe,withasuddenlyacquiredpallor,beingthefirsttorenouncethepastimeasrevolting。
Sofastandfuriouswastheenjoymentofthesethirstysouls,solongdeprivedoftheirrights,thatnightcameonwithouttheirobservingit,andwiththenightwasbroughtthegreatperilintowhichtheywerethrown,andfromwhichatthemomentofwritingtheyhadnotbeenextricated,andwhich,tomyregret,hascutmeoffforthepresentfromanyfurtherinformationconnectedwiththeAssociatedShadesandtheirbeautifullounging—place。HadtheynotbeensointentupontheinnerbeautiesoftheHouse—boatontheStyxtheymighthaveobservedapproaching,undertheshadowofthewesterlyshore,along,rakishcraftpropelledbyoars,whichdippedsoftlyandsilentlyandwithtrainedprecisioninthenowjet—blackwatersoftheStyx。Manningtheoarswereadozenevil—visagedruffians,whileinthesternoftheapproachingvesseltheresatagrim—faced,weather—beatenspirit,armedtotheteeth,hiscoatsleevesbearingtheskullandcross—bones,theinsigniaofpiracy。
Thisboat,stealinguptheriverlikeathiefinthenight,containedCaptainKiddandhispiratecrew,andtheirmissionwasamissionofvengeance。Toputthematterbrieflyandplainly,CaptainKiddwassmartingundertheindignitywhichtheclubhadrecentlyputuponhim。Hehadbeenunanimouslyblackballed,evenhisproposerandseconder,whohadbeenbrowbeatenintonominatinghimformembership,votingagainsthim。
\"Imaybeapirate,\"hecried,whenheheardwhattheclubhaddone,\"butIhavefeelings,andtheAssociatedShadeswillrepenttheiraction。Thetimewillcomewhenthey’llfindthatIhavetheirclub—
house,andtheyhave——itsdebts。\"
Itwasforthispurposethatthegreatterroroftheseashadcomeuponthis,thefirstfavorableopportunity。Kiddknewthatthehouse—boatwasunguarded;hisspieshadtoldhimthatthemembershadeveryonegonetothefight,andheresolvedthatthetimehadcometoact。HedidnotknowthattheFateshadhelpedtomakehisvengeanceallthemoreterribleandwitheringbyputtingthemostattractiveandfashionableladiesoftheStygiancountrylikewiseinhispower;butsoitwas,andthey,poorsouls,whilethisfiend,relentlessandcruel,wasslowlyapproaching,sangonanddancedoninblissfulunconsciousnessoftheirperil。
Inlessthanfiveminutesfromthetimewhenhissinister—craftroundedthebendKiddandhiscrewhadboardedthehouse—boat,cutherloosefromhermoorings,andintenminutesshehadsailedawayintothegreatunknown,andwithherwentsomeofthemostpreciousgemsinthesocialdiademofHades。
Therestofmystoryissoontold。Thewholecountrywasarousedwhenthecrimewasdiscovered,butuptothedateofthisnarrativenowordhasbeenreceivedofthemissingcraftandherpreciouscargo。RaleighandCaesarhavehadtheseasscouredinsearchofher,Hamlethasofferedhiskingdomforherreturn,butunavailingly;
andthemenofHadeswerecastintoagloomfromwhichthereseemstobenorelief。
Socratesalonewasunaffected。
\"They’llcomebacksomeday,mydearRaleigh,\"hesaid,astheknightburiedhisface,weeping,inhishands。\"Sowhyrepine?I’llneverlosemyXanthippe——permanently,thatis。Iknowthat,forIamaphilosopher,andIknowthereisnosuchthingasluck。Andwecanstartanotherclub。\"
\"Verylikely,\"sighedRaleigh,wipinghiseyes。\"Idon’tmindtheclubsomuch,buttothinkofthosepoorwomen——\"
\"Oh,they’reallright,\"returnedSocrates,withalaugh。\"Caesar’swifeisalong,andyoucan’tdisputethefactthatshe’sagoodchaperon。Givetheladiesachance。They’vebeenafterourclubforyears;nowlet’emhaveit,andletushopethattheylikeit。Ordermeupahemlocksour,andlet’sdrinktotheirenjoymentofclublife。\"
Whichwasdone,andI,inspirit,drankwiththem,forIsincerelyhopethatthe\"NewWomen\"ofHadesarehavingagoodtime。