TheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestTheCrimsonCandleTheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineTheIngeniousPatriotTwoKingsAnOfficerandaThugTheConscientiousOfficialHowLeisureCameTheMoralSentimentThePoliticiansTheThoughtfulWardenTheTreasuryandtheArmsTheChristianSerpentTheBroomoftheTempleTheCriticsTheFoolishWomanFatherandSonTheDiscontentedMalefactorACalltoQuitTheManandtheLightningTheLassoedBearTheIneffectiveRooterAProtagonistofSilverTheHolyDeaconAHastySettlementTheWoodenGunsTheReformSchoolBoardThePoet’sDoomTheNoserandtheNoteTheCatandtheKingTheLiteraryAstronomerTheLionandtheRattlesnakeTheManwithNoEnemiesTheAldermanandtheRaccoonTheFlying—MachineTheAngel’sTearTheCityofPoliticalDistinctionThePartyOverThereThePoetessofReformTheUnchangedDiplomatistAnInvitationTheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTheOpossumoftheFutureTheLife—SaversTheAustralianGrasshopperThePaviorTheTriedAssassinTheBumboofJiamTheTwoPoetsTheThistlesupontheGraveTheShadowoftheLeaderTheSagaciousRatTheMemberandtheSoapAlarmandPrideACausewayTwoinTroubleTheWitch’sSteedTheAllDogTheFarmer’sFriendPhysiciansTwoTheOverlookedFactorARacialParallelTheHonestCadiTheKangarooandtheZebraAMatterofMethodTheManofPrincipleTheReturnedCalifornianTheCompassionatePhysicianTwooftheDamnedTheAustereGovernorReligionsofErrorThePenitentElectorTheTailoftheSphinxAProphetofEvilTheCrewoftheLife—boatATreatyofPeaceTheNightsideofCharacterTheFaithfulCashierTheCircularClewTheDevotedWidowTheHardyPatriotsTheHumblePeasantTheVariousDelegationTheNoCaseAHarmlessVisitorTheJudgeandtheRashActThePrerogativeofMightAnInflatedAmbitionRejectedServicesThePoweroftheScalawagAtLarge—OneTemperTheSeekerandtheSoughtHisFly—SpeckMajestyThePugilist’sDietTheOldManandthePupilTheDeceasedandhisHeirsThePoliticiansandthePlunderTheManandtheWartTheDividedDelegationAForfeitedRightRevengeAnOptimistAValuableSuggestionTwoFootpadsEquippedforServiceTheBaskingCycloneAtthePoleTheOptimistandtheCynicThePoetandtheEditorTheTakenHandAnUnspeakableImbecileANeedfulWarTheMineOwnerandtheJackassTheDogandthePhysicianThePartyManagerandtheGentleman。
TheLegislatorandtheCitizenTheRainmakerTheCitizenandtheSnakesFortuneandtheFabulistASmilingIdolPhilosophersThreeTheBonelessKingUncalculatingZealATranspositionTheHonestCitizenACreakingTailWastedSweetsSixandOneTheSportsmanandtheSquirrelTheFogyandtheSheikAtHeaven’sGateTheCattedAnarchistTheHonourableMemberTheExpatriatedBossAnInadequateFeeTheJudgeandthePlaintiffTheReturnoftheRepresentativeAStatesmanTwoDogsThreeRecruitsTheMirrorSaintandSinnerAnAntidoteAWearyEchoTheIngeniousBlackmailerATalismanTheAncientOrderAFatalDisorderTheMassacreAShipandaManCongressandthePeopleTheJusticeandHisAccuserTheHighwaymanandtheTravellerThePolicemanandtheCitizenTheWriterandtheTrampsTwoPoliticiansTheFugitiveOfficeTheTyrantFrogTheEligibleSon—in—LawTheStatesmanandtheHorseAnAErophobeTheThriftofStrengthTheGoodGovernmentTheLife—SaverTheManandtheBirdFromtheMinutesThreeofaKindTheFabulistandtheAnimalsARevivalistRevivedTheDebatersTwoofthePiousTheDesperateObjectTheAppropriateMemorialANeedlessLabourAFlourishingIndustryTheSelf—MadeMonkeyThePatriotandtheBankerTheMourningBrothersTheDisinterestedArbiterTheThiefandtheHonestManTheDutifulSonAesopusEmendatusTheCatandtheYouthTheFarmerandHisSonsJupiterandtheBabyShowTheManandtheDogTheCatandtheBirdsMercuryandtheWoodchopperTheFoxandtheGrapesThePenitentThiefTheArcherandtheEagleTruthandtheTravellerTheWolfandtheLambTheLionandtheBoarTheGrasshopperandtheAntTheFisherandtheFishedTheFarmerandtheFoxDameFortuneandtheTravellerTheVictorandtheVictimTheWolfandtheShepherdsTheGooseandtheSwanTheLion，theCock，andtheAssTheSnakeandtheSwallowTheWolvesandtheDogsTheHenandtheVipersASeasonableJokeTheLionandtheThornTheFawnandtheBuckTheKite，thePigeons，andtheHawkTheWolfandtheBabeTheWolfandtheOstrichTheHerdsmanandtheLionTheManandtheViperTheManandtheEagleTheWar—horseandtheMillerTheDogandtheReflectionTheManandtheFish—hornTheHareandtheTortoiseHerculesandtheCarterTheLionandtheBullTheManandhisGooseTheWolfandtheFeedingGoatJupiterandtheBirdsTheLionandtheMouseTheOldManandhisSonsTheCrabandhisSonTheNorthWindandtheSunTheMountainandtheMouseTheBellamyandtheMembersOldSawswithNewTeethTheWolfandtheCraneTheLionandtheMouseTheHaresandtheFrogsTheBellyandtheMembersThePipingFishermanTheAntsandtheGrasshopperTheDogandHisReflectionTheLion，theBear，andtheFoxTheAssandtheLion’sSkinTheAssandtheGrasshoppersTheWolfandtheLionTheHareandtheTortoiseTheMilkmaidandHerBucketKingLogandKingStorkTheWolfWhoWouldBeaLionTheMonkeyandtheNutsTheBoysandtheFrogsTheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestAMORALPrinciplemetaMaterialInterestonabridgewideenoughforbutone。
\"Down，youbasething!\"thunderedtheMoralPrinciple，\"andletmepassoveryou!\"
TheMaterialInterestmerelylookedintheother’seyeswithoutsayinganything。
\"Ah，\"saidtheMoralPrinciple，hesitatingly，\"letusdrawlotstoseewhichshallretiretilltheotherhascrossed。\"
TheMaterialInterestmaintainedanunbrokensilenceandanunwaveringstare。
\"Inordertoavoidaconflict，\"theMoralPrincipleresumed，somewhatuneasily，\"Ishallmyselfliedownandletyouwalkoverme。\"
ThentheMaterialInterestfoundatongue，andbyastrangecoincidenceitwasitsowntongue。\"Idon’tthinkyouareverygoodwalking，\"itsaid。\"IamalittleparticularaboutwhatI
haveunderfoot。Supposeyougetoffintothewater。\"
Itoccurredthatway。
TheCrimsonCandleAMANlyingatthepointofdeathcalledhiswifetohisbedsideandsaid：
\"Iamabouttoleaveyouforever；giveme，therefore，onelastproofofyouraffectionandfidelity，for，accordingtoourholyreligion，amarriedmanseekingadmittanceatthegateofHeavenisrequiredtoswearthathehasneverdefiledhimselfwithanunworthywoman。Inmydeskyouwillfindacrimsoncandle，whichhasbeenblessedbytheHighPriestandhasapeculiarmysticalsignificance。Sweartomethatwhileitisinexistenceyouwillnotremarry。\"
TheWomansworeandtheMandied。AtthefuneraltheWomanstoodattheheadofthebier，holdingalightedcrimsoncandletillitwaswastedentirelyaway。
TheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineABLOTTEDEscutcheon，risingtoaquestionofprivilege，said：
\"Mr。Speaker，Iwishtohurlbackanallegationandexplainthatthespotsuponmearethenaturalmarkingsofonewhoisadirectdescendantofthesunandaspottedfawn。Theycomeofnoaccidentofcharacter，butinhereinthedivineorderandconstitutionofthings。\"
WhentheBlottedEscutcheonhadresumedhisseataSoiledErmineroseandsaid：
\"Mr。Speaker，Ihaveheardwithprofoundattentionandentireapprovaltheexplanationofthehonourablemember，andwishtoofferafewremarksonmyownbehalf。I，too，havebeenfoullycalumniatedbyourancientenemy，theInfamousFalsehood，andI
wishtopointoutthatIammadeofthefuroftheMUSTELA
MACULATA，whichisdirtyfrombirth。\"
TheIngeniousPatriotHAVINGobtainedanaudienceoftheKinganIngeniousPatriotpulledapaperfromhispocket，saying：
\"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihavehereaformulaforconstructingarmour—platingwhichnoguncanpierce。IftheseplatesareadoptedintheRoyalNavyourwarshipswillbeinvulnerable，andthereforeinvincible。Here，also，arereportsofyourMajesty’sMinisters，attestingthevalueoftheinvention。Iwillpartwithmyrightinitforamilliontumtums。\"
Afterexaminingthepapers，theKingputthemawayandpromisedhimanorderontheLordHighTreasureroftheExtortionDepartmentforamilliontumtums。
\"Andhere，\"saidtheIngeniousPatriot，pullinganotherpaperfromanotherpocket，\"aretheworkingplansofagunthatIhaveinvented，whichwillpiercethatarmour。YourMajesty’sRoyalBrother，theEmperorofBang，isanxioustopurchaseit，butloyaltytoyourMajesty’sthroneandpersonconstrainsmetoofferitfirsttoyourMajesty。Thepriceisonemilliontumtums。\"
Havingreceivedthepromiseofanothercheck，hethrusthishandintostillanotherpocket，remarking：
\"Thepriceoftheirresistiblegunwouldhavebeenmuchgreater，yourMajesty，butforthefactthatitsmissilescanbesoeffectivelyavertedbymypeculiarmethodoftreatingthearmourplateswithanew—\"
TheKingsignedtotheGreatHeadFactotumtoapproach。
\"Searchthisman，\"hesaid，\"andreporthowmanypocketshehas。\"
\"Forty—three，Sire，\"saidtheGreatHeadFactotum，completingthescrutiny。
\"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，\"criedtheIngeniousPatriot，interror，\"oneofthemcontainstobacco。\"
\"Holdhimupbytheanklesandshakehim，\"saidtheKing；\"thengivehimacheckforforty—twomilliontumtumsandputhimtodeath。Letadecreeissuedeclaringingenuityacapitaloffence。\"
TwoKingsTHEKingofMadagao，beingengagedinadisputewiththeKingofBornegascar，wrotehimasfollows：
\"BeforeproceedingfurtherinthismatterIdemandtherecallofyourMinisterfrommycapital。\"
Greatlyenragedbythisimpossibledemand，theKingofBornegascarreplied：
\"IshallnotrecallmyMinister。Moreover，ifyoudonotimmediatelyretractyourdemandIshallwithdrawhim!\"
ThisthreatsoterrifiedtheKingofMadagaothatinhasteningtocomplyhefelloverhisownfeet，breakingtheThirdCommandment。
AnOfficerandaThugACHIEFofPolicewhohadseenanOfficerbeatingaThugwasveryindignant，andsaidhemustnotdosoanymoreonpainofdismissal。
\"Don’tbetoohardonme，\"saidtheOfficer，smiling；\"Iwasbeatinghimwithastuffedclub。\"
\"Nevertheless，\"persistedtheChiefofPolice，\"itwasalibertythatmusthavebeenverydisagreeable，thoughitmaynothavehurt。
Pleasedonotrepeatit。\"
\"But，\"saidtheOfficer，stillsmiling，\"itwasastuffedThug。\"
Inattemptingtoexpresshisgratification，theChiefofPolicethrustouthisrighthandwithsuchviolencethathisskinwasrupturedatthearm—pitandastreamofsawdustpouredfromthewound。HewasastuffedChiefofPolice。
TheConscientiousOfficialWHILEaDivisionSuperintendentofarailwaywasattendingcloselytohisbusinessofplacingobstructionsonthetrackandtamperingwiththeswitcheshereceivedwordthatthePresidentoftheroadwasabouttodischargehimforincompetency。
\"GoodHeavens!\"hecried；\"therearemoreaccidentsonmydivisionthanonalltherestoftheline。\"
\"ThePresidentisveryparticular，\"saidtheManwhobroughthimthenews；\"hethinksthesamelossoflifemightbeeffectedwithlessdamagetothecompany’sproperty。\"
\"Doesheexpectmetoshootpassengersthroughthecarwindows？\"
exclaimedtheindignantofficial，spikingaloosetieacrosstherails。\"Doeshetakemeforanassassin？\"
HowLeisureCameAMANtoWhomTimeWasMoney，andwhowasboltinghisbreakfastinordertocatchatrain，hadleanedhisnewspaperagainstthesugar—
bowlandwasreadingasheate。Inhishasteandabstractionhestuckapickle—forkintohisrighteye，andonremovingtheforktheeyecamewithit。Inbuyingspectaclestheneedlessoutlayfortherightlenssoonreducedhimtopoverty，andtheMantoWhomTimeWasMoneyhadtosustainlifebyfishingfromtheendofawharf。
TheMoralSentimentAPUGILISTmettheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，whowascarryingahat—box。\"Whathaveyouinthehat—box，myfriend？\"
inquiredthePugilist。
\"Anewfrown，\"wastheanswer。\"Iambringingitfromthefrownery—theoneovertherewiththegildedsteeple。\"
\"Andwhatareyougoingtodowiththenicenewfrown？\"thePugilistasked。
\"Putdownpugilism—ifIhavetowearitnightandday，\"saidtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，sternly。
\"That’sright，\"saidthePugilist，\"thatisright，mygoodfriend；
ifpugilismhadbeenputdownyesterday，Iwouldn’thavethiskindofNoseto—day。Ihadarattlinghotfightlasteveningwith—\"
\"Isthatso？\"criedtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，withsuddenanimation。\"Whichlicked？Sitdownhereonthehat—boxandtellmeallaboutit!\"
ThePoliticiansANOldPoliticianandaYoungPoliticianweretravellingthroughabeautifulcountry，bythedustyhighwaywhichleadstotheCityofProsperousObscurity。Luredbytheflowersandtheshadeandcharmedbythesongsofbirdswhichinvitedtowoodlandpathsandgreenfields，hisimaginationfiredbyglimpsesofgoldendomesandglitteringpalacesinthedistanceoneitherhand，theYoungPoliticiansaid：
\"Letus，Ibeseechthee，turnasidefromthiscomfortlessroadleading，thouknowestwhither，butnotI。Letusturnourbacksupondutyandabandonourselvestothedelightsandadvantageswhichbeckonfromeverygroveandcalltousfromeveryshininghill。Letus，ifsothouwilt，followthisbeautifulpath，which，asthouseest，hathaguide—boardsaying，’TurninhereallyewhoseekthePalaceofPoliticalDistinction。’\"
\"Itisabeautifulpath，myson，\"saidtheOldPolitician，withouteitherslackeninghispaceorturninghishead，\"anditleadethamongpleasantscenes。ButthesearchforthePalaceofPoliticalDistinctionisbesetwithonemightyperil。\"
\"Whatisthat？\"saidtheYoungPolitician。
\"Theperiloffindingit，\"theOldPoliticianreplied，pushingon。
TheThoughtfulWardenTHEWardenofaPenitentiarywasonedayputtinglocksonthedoorsofallthecellswhenamechanicsaidtohim：
\"Thoselockscanallbeopenedfromtheinside—youareveryimprudent。\"
TheWardendidnotlookupfromhiswork，butsaid：
\"Ifthatiscalledimprudence，Iwonderwhatwouldbecalledathoughtfulprovisionagainstthevicissitudesoffortune。\"
TheTreasuryandtheArmsAPUBLICTreasury，feelingTwoArmsliftingoutitscontents，exclaimed：
\"Mr。Shareman，Imoveforadivision。\"
\"Youseemtoknowsomethingaboutparliamentaryformsofspeech，\"
saidtheTwoArms。
\"Yes，\"repliedthePublicTreasury，\"Iamfamiliarwiththehaulsoflegislation。\"
TheChristianSerpentARATTLESNAKEcamehometohisbroodandsaid：\"Mychildren，gatheraboutandreceiveyourfather’slastblessing，andseehowaChristiandies。\"
\"Whatailsyou，Father？\"askedtheSmallSnakes。
\"Ihavebeenbittenbytheeditorofapartisanjournal，\"wasthereply，accompaniedbytheominousdeath—rattle。
TheBroomoftheTempleTHEcityofGakwakbeingabouttoloseitscharacterofcapitaloftheprovinceofUkwuk，theWampogissuedaproclamationconveningallthemaleresidentsincouncilintheTempleofUltodevisemeansofdefence。Thefirstspeakerthoughtthebestpolicywouldbetoofferafriedjackasstothegods。Thesecondsuggestedapublicprocession，headedbytheWampoghimself，bearingtheHolyPokeronacushionofcloth—of—brass。Anotherthoughtthatascarletmoleshouldbeburiedaliveinthepublicparkandasuitableincantationchantedovertheremains。Theadviceofthefourthwasthatthecolumnsofthecapitolberubbedwithoilofdogbyapersonhavingamoustacheonthecalfofhisleg。WhenalltheothershadspokenanAgedManroseandsaid：
\"HighandmightyWampogandfellow—citizens，Ihavelistenedattentivelytoalltheplansproposed。Allseemwise，andIdonotsuffermyselftodoubtthatanyoneofthemwouldbeefficacious。
Nevertheless，Icannothelpthinkingthatifwewouldputanimprovedbreedofpolliwogsinourdrinkingwater，constructshallowerroadways，groomthestreetcows，offerthestrangerwithinourgatesafreechoicebetweentheponiardandthepotion，andrelinquishourprivatesystemofmorals，theothermeasuresofpublicsafetywouldbeneedless。\"
TheAgedManwasabouttospeakfurther，butthemeetinginformallyadjournedinordertosweepthefloorofthetemple—forthemenofGakwakarethetidiesthousewivesinallthatprovince。Thelastspeakerwasthebroom。
TheCriticsWHILEbathing，AntinouswasseenbyMinerva，whowassoenamouredofhisbeautythat，allarmedasshehappenedtobe，shedescendedfromOlympustowoohim；but，unluckilydisplayinghershield，withtheheadofMedusaonit，shehadtheunhappinesstoseethebeautifulmortalturntostonefromcatchingaglimpseofit。ShestraightwayascendedtoaskJovetorestorehim；butbeforethiscouldbedoneaSculptorandaCriticpassedthatwayandespiedhim。
\"ThisisaverybadApollo，\"saidtheSculptor：\"thechestistoonarrow，andonearmisatleastahalf—inchshorterthantheother。
Theattitudeisunnatural，andImaysayimpossible。Ah!myfriend，youshouldseemystatueofAntinous。\"
\"Inmyjudgment，thefigure，\"saidtheCritic，\"istolerablygood，thoughratherEtrurian，buttheexpressionofthefaceisdecidedlyTuscan，andthereforefalsetonature。Bytheway，haveyoureadmyworkon’TheFallaciousnessoftheAspectualinArt’？\"
TheFoolishWomanAMARRIEDWoman，whoseloverwasabouttoreformbyrunningaway，procuredapistolandshothimdead。
\"Whydidyoudothat，Madam？\"inquiredaPoliceman，saunteringby。
\"Because，\"repliedtheMarriedWoman，\"hewasawickedman，andhadpurchasedatickettoChicago。\"
\"Mysister，\"saidanadjacentManofGod，solemnly，\"youcannotstopthewickedfromgoingtoChicagobykillingthem。\"
FatherandSon\"MYboy，\"saidanagedFathertohisfieryanddisobedientSon，\"ahottemperisthesoilofremorse。Promisemethatwhennextyouareangryyouwillcountonehundredbeforeyoumoveorspeak。\"
NosoonerhadtheSonpromisedthanhereceivedastingingblowfromthepaternalwalking—stick，andbythetimehehadcountedtoseventy—fivehadtheunhappinesstoseetheoldmanjumpintoawaitingcabandwhirlaway。
TheDiscontentedMalefactorAJUDGEhavingsentencedaMalefactortothepenitentiarywasproceedingtopointouttohimthedisadvantagesofcrimeandtheprofitofreformation。
\"YourHonour，\"saidtheMalefactor，interrupting，\"wouldyoubekindenoughtoaltermypunishmenttotenyearsinthepenitentiaryandnothingelse？\"
\"Why，\"saidtheJudge，surprised，\"Ihavegivenyouonlythreeyears!\"
\"Yes，Iknow，\"assentedtheMalefactor—\"threeyears’imprisonmentandthepreaching。Ifyouplease，Ishouldliketocommutethepreaching。\"
ACalltoQuitSEEINGthathisaudienceswerebecomingsmallereverySunday，aMinisteroftheGospelbrokeoffinthemidstofasermon，descendedthepulpitstairs，andwalkedonhishandsdownthecentralaisleofthechurch。Hethenremountedhisfeet，ascendedtothepulpit，andresumedhisdiscourse，makingnoallusiontotheincident。
\"Now，\"saidhetohimself，ashewenthome，\"Ishallhave，henceforth，alargeattendanceandnosnoring。\"
ButonthefollowingFridayhewaswaiteduponbythePillarsoftheChurch，whoinformedhimthatinordertobeinharmonywiththeNewTheologyandgetfulladvantageofmodernmethodsofGospelinterpretationtheyhaddeemeditadvisabletomakeachange。TheyhadthereforesentacalltoBrotherJowjeetum—Fallal，theWorld—
RenownedHindooHumanPin—Wheel，thenholdingforthinHoopitup’scircus。TheywerehappytosaythatthereverendgentlemanhadbeenmovedbytheSpirittoacceptthecall，andontheensuingSabbathwouldbreakthebreadoflifeforthebrethrenorbreakhisneckintheattempt。
TheManandtheLightningAMANRunningforOfficewasovertakenbyLightning。
\"Yousee，\"saidtheLightning，asitcreptpasthiminchbyinch，\"Icantravelconsiderablyfasterthanyou。\"
\"Yes，\"theManRunningforOfficereplied，\"butthinkhowmuchlongerIkeepgoing!\"
TheLassoedBearAHUNTERwhohadlassoedaBearwastryingtodisengagehimselffromtherope，buttheslip—knotabouthiswristwouldnotyield，fortheBearwasallthetimepullingintheslackwithhispaws。
InthemidstofhistroubletheHuntersawaShowmanpassingby，andmanagedtoattracthisattention。
\"Whatwillyougiveme，\"hesaid，\"formyBear？\"
\"Itwillbesomefiveortenminutes，\"saidtheShowman，\"beforeI
shallwantafreshBear，anditlookstomeasifpriceswouldfallduringthattime。IthinkI’llwaitandwatchthemarket。\"
\"Thepriceofthisanimal，\"theHunterreplied，\"isdowntobed—
rock；youcanhavehimfornothingapound，spotcash，andI’llthrowinthenextonethatIlasso。Butthepurchasermustremovethegoodsfromthepremisesforthwith，tomakeroomforthreeman—
eatingtigers，acat—headedgorilla，andanarmfulofrattlesnakes。\"
ButtheShowmanpassedon，inmaidenmeditation，fancyfree，andbeingjoinedsoonafterwardbytheBear，whowasabsentlypickinghisteeth，itwasinferredthattheywerenotunacquainted。
TheIneffectiveRooterADRUNKENManwaslyingintheroadwithableedingnose，uponwhichhehadfallen，whenaPigpassedthatway。
\"Youwallowfairlywell，\"saidthePig，\"but，myfinefellow，youhavemuchtolearnaboutrooting。\"
AProtagonistofSilverSOMEFinancierswhowerewhettingtheirtonguesontheirteethbecausetheGovernmenthad\"struckdown\"silver，andwereaboutto\"inaugurate\"aseasonofsweatshed，wereaddressedasfollowsbyaMemberoftheirhonourableandwarlikebody：
\"Comradesofthethunderandcompanionsofdeath，Icannotbutregarditassingularlyfortunatethatwewhobyconvictionandsympathyaredesignatedbynatureasthechampionsofthatfairestofherproducts，thewhitemetal，shouldalso，byahappychance，beengagedmostlyinthebusinessofminingit。Nothingcouldbemoreappropriatethanthatthosewhofromunselfishmotivesandelevatedsentimentsaredoingbattleforthepeople’srightsandinterests，shouldthemselvesbethechiefbeneficiariesofsuccess。
Therefore，Ochildrenoftheearthquakeandthestorm，letusstandshouldertoshoulder，hearttoheart，andpockettopocket!\"
ThisspeechsopleasedtheotherMembersoftheconventionthat，actuatedbyamagnanimousimpulse，theysprangtotheirfeetandleftthehall。Itwasthefirsttimetheyhadeverbeenknowntoleaveanythinghavingvalue。
TheHolyDeaconANItinerantPreacherwhohadwroughthardinthemoralvineyardforseveralhourswhisperedtoaHolyDeaconofthelocalchurch：
\"Brother，thesepeopleknowyou，andyouractivesupportwillbearfruitabundantly。Pleasepasstheplateforme，andyoushallhaveonefourth。\"
TheHolyDeacondidso，andputtingthemoneyintohispocketwaitedtillthecongregationwasdismissedandsaidgoodnight。
\"Butthemoney，brother，themoneythatyoucollected!\"saidtheItinerantPreacher。
\"Nothingiscomingtoyou，\"wasthereply；\"theAdversaryhashardenedtheirhearts，andonefourthisalltheygave。\"
AHastySettlement\"YOURHonour，\"saidanAttorney，rising，\"whatisthepresentstatusofthiscase—asfarasithasgone？\"
\"Ihavegivenajudgmentfortheresiduarylegateeunderthewill，\"
saidtheCourt，\"putthecostsuponthecontestants，decidedallquestionsrelatingtofeesandothercharges；and，inshort，theestateinlitigationhasbeensettled，withallcontroversies，disputes，misunderstandings，anddifferencesofopinionthereuntoappertaining。\"
\"Ah，yes，Isee，\"saidtheAttorney，thoughtfully，\"wearemakingprogress—wearegettingonfamously。\"
\"Progress？\"echoedtheJudge—\"progress？Why，sir，thematterisconcluded!\"
\"Exactly，exactly；ithadtobeconcludedinordertogiverelevancytothemotionthatIamabouttomake。YourHonour，I
movethatthejudgmentoftheCourtbesetasideandthecasereopened。\"
\"Uponwhatground，sir？\"theJudgeaskedinsurprise。
\"Upontheground，\"saidtheAttorney，\"thatafterpayingallfeesandexpensesoflitigationandallchargesagainsttheestatetherewillstillbesomethingleft。\"
\"Theremayhavebeenanerror，\"saidHisHonour，thoughtfully—
\"theCourtmayhaveunderestimatedthevalueoftheestate。Themotionistakenunderadvisement。\"
TheWoodenGunsANArtilleryRegimentofaStateMilitiaappliedtotheGovernorforwoodengunstopractisewith。
\"Those，\"theyexplained，\"willbecheaperthanrealones。\"
\"ItshallnotbesaidthatIsacrificedefficiencytoeconomy，\"
saidtheGovernor。\"Youshallhaverealguns。\"
\"Thankyou，thankyou，\"criedthewarriors，effusively。\"Wewilltakegoodcareofthem，andintheeventofwarreturnthemtothearsenal。\"
TheReformSchoolBoardTHEmembersoftheSchoolBoardinDoosnoswairbeingsuspectedofappointingfemaleteachersforanimproperconsideration，thepeopleelectedaBoardcomposedwhollyofwomen。Inafewyearsthescandalwasatanend；therewerenofemaleteachersintheDepartment。
ThePoet’sDoomANObjectwaswalkingalongtheKing’shighwaywrappedinmeditationandwithlittleelseon，whenhesuddenlyfoundhimselfatthegatesofastrangecity。Onapplyingforadmittance，hewasarrestedasanecessitatorofordinances，andtakenbeforetheKing。
\"Whoareyou，\"saidtheKing，\"andwhatisyourbusinessinlife？\"
\"SnoutertheSneak，\"repliedtheObject，withreadyinvention；
\"pick—pocket。\"
TheKingwasabouttocommandhimtobereleasedwhenthePrimeMinistersuggestedthattheprisoner’sfingersbeexamined。Theywerefoundgreatlyflattenedandcallousedattheends。
\"Ha!\"criedtheKing；\"Itoldyouso!—heisaddictedtocountingsyllables。Thisisapoet。TurnhimovertotheLordHighDissuaderfromtheHeadHabit。\"
\"Myliege，\"saidtheInventor—in—OrdinaryofIngeniousPenalties，\"Iventuretosuggestakeeneraffliction。
\"Nameit，\"theKingsaid。
\"Lethimretainthathead!\"
Itwassoordered。
TheNoserandtheNoteTHEHeadRiflerofaninsolventbank，learningthatitwasabouttobevisitedbytheofficialNoserintoThings，placedhisownpersonalnoteforalargeamountamongitsresources，and，gailytouchinghisguitar，awaitedtheinspection。WhentheNosercametothenoteheasked，\"What’sthis？\"
\"That，\"saidtheAssistantPocketerofDeposits，\"isoneofourliabilities。\"
\"Aliability？\"exclaimedtheNoser。\"Nay，nay，anasset。Thatiswhatyoumean，doubtless。\"
\"Thereinyouerr，\"thePocketerexplained；\"thatnotewaswritteninthebankwithourownpen，ink，andpaper，andwehavenotpaidastationerybillforsixmonths。\"
\"Ah，Isee，\"theNosersaid，thoughtfully；\"itisaliability。MayIaskhowyouexpecttomeetit？\"
\"Withfortitude，pleaseGod，\"answeredtheAssistantPocketer，hiseyestoHeavenraising—\"withfortitudeandafirmrelianceonthelaxityofthelaw。\"
\"Enough，enough，\"exclaimedthefaithfulservantoftheState，chokingwithemotion；\"hereisacertificateofsolvency。\"
\"Andhereisabottleofink，\"thegratefulfinanciersaid，slippingitintotheother’spocket；\"itisallthatwehave。\"
TheCatandtheKingACATwaslookingataKing，aspermittedbytheproverb。
\"Well，\"saidthemonarch，observingherinspectionoftheroyalperson，\"howdoyoulikeme？\"
\"IcanimagineaKing，\"saidtheCat，\"whomIshouldlikebetter。\"
\"Forexample？\"
\"TheKingoftheMice。\"
ThesovereignwassopleasedwiththewitofthereplythathegaveherpermissiontoscratchhisPrimeMinister’seyesout。
TheLiteraryAstronomerTHEDirectorofanObservatory，who，withathirty—six—inchrefractor，haddiscoveredthemoon，hastenedtoanEditor，withafour—columnaccountoftheevent。
\"Howmuch？\"saidtheEditor，sententiously，withoutlookingupfromhisessayonthecircularityofthepoliticalhorizon。
\"Onehundredandsixtydollars，\"repliedthemanwhohaddiscoveredthemoon。
\"Nothalfenough，\"wastheEditor’scomment。
\"Generousman!\"criedtheAstronomer，glowingwithwarmandelevatedsentiments，\"payme，then，whatyouwill。\"
\"Greatandgoodfriend，\"saidtheEditor，blandly，lookingupfromhiswork，\"wearefarasunder，itseems。Thepayingistobedonebyyou。\"
TheDirectoroftheObservatorygatheredupthemanuscriptandwentaway，explainingthatitneededcorrection；hehadneglectedtodotanm。
TheLionandtheRattlesnakeAMANhavingfoundaLioninhispathundertooktosubduehimbythepowerofthehumaneye；andnearbywasaRattlesnakeengagedinfascinatingasmallbird。
\"Howareyougettingon，brother？\"theMancalledouttotheotherreptile，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthoseoftheLion。
\"Admirably，\"repliedtheserpent。\"Mysuccessisassured；myvictimdrawsnearerandnearerinspiteofherefforts。\"
\"Andmine，\"saidtheMan，\"drawsnearerandnearerinspiteofmine。Areyousureitisallright？\"
\"Ifyoudon’tthinkso，\"thereptilerepliedaswellashethencould，withhismouthfullofbird，\"youbettergiveitup。\"
Ahalf—hourlater，theLion，thoughtfullypickinghisteethwithhisclaws，toldtheRattlesnakethathehadneverinallhisvariedexperienceinbeingsubdued，seenasubduertrysoearnestlytogiveitup。\"But，\"headded，withawide，significantsmile，\"I
lookedhimintocountenance。\"
TheManwithNoEnemiesANInoffensivePersonwalkinginapublicplacewasassaultedbyaStrangerwithaClub，andseverelybeaten。
WhentheStrangerwithaClubwasbroughttotrial，thecomplainantsaidtotheJudge：
\"IdonotknowwhyIwasassaulted；Ihavenotanenemyintheworld。\"
\"That，\"saidthedefendant，\"iswhyIstruckhim。\"
\"Lettheprisonerbedischarged，\"saidtheJudge；\"amanwhohasnoenemieshasnofriends。Thecourtsarenotforsuch。\"
TheAldermanandtheRaccoon\"ISEEquiteanumberofringsonyourtail，\"saidanAldermantoaRaccoonthathemetinazoologicalgarden。
\"Yes，\"repliedtheRaccoon，\"andIhearquiteanumberoftalesonyourring。\"
TheAlderman，beingofasensitive，retiringdisposition，shrankfromfurthercomparison，and，strollingtoanotherpartofthegarden，stolethecamel。
TheFlying—MachineANIngeniousManwhohadbuiltaflying—machineinvitedagreatconcourseofpeopletoseeitgoup。Attheappointedmoment，everythingbeingready，heboardedthecarandturnedonthepower。
Themachineimmediatelybrokethroughthemassivesubstructureuponwhichitwasbuilded，andsankoutofsightintotheearth，theaeronautspringingoutbarelyintimetosavehimself。
\"Well，\"saidhe，\"Ihavedoneenoughtodemonstratethecorrectnessofmydetails。Thedefects，\"headded，withalookattheruinedbrick—work，\"aremerelybasicandfundamental。\"
Uponthisassurancethepeoplecameforwardwithsubscriptionstobuildasecondmachine。
TheAngel’sTearANUnworthyManwhohadlaughedatthewoesofaWomanwhomheloved，wasbewailinghisindiscretioninsack—cloth—of—goldandashes—of—roses，whentheAngelofCompassionlookeddownuponhim，saying：
\"Poormortal!—howunblestnottoknowthewickednessoflaughingatanother’smisfortune!\"
Sosaying，heletfallagreattear，which，encounteringinitsdescentacurrentofcoldair，wascongealedintoahail—stone。
ThisstrucktheUnworthyManontheheadandsethimrubbingthatbruisedorganvigorouslywithonehandwhilevainlyattemptingtoexpandanumbrellawiththeother。
ThereattheAngelofCompassiondidmostshamelesslyandwickedlylaugh。
TheCityofPoliticalDistinctionJAMRACHtheRich，beinganxioustoreachtheCityofPoliticalDistinctionbeforenightfall，arrivedataforkoftheroadandwasundecidedwhichbranchtofollow；soheconsultedaWise—LookingPersonwhosatbythewayside。
\"TakeTHATroad，\"saidtheWise—LookingPerson，pointingitout；
\"itisknownasthePoliticalHighway。\"
\"Thankyou，\"saidJamrach，andwasabouttoproceed。
\"Abouthowmuchdoyouthankme？\"wasthereply。\"DoyousupposeI
amhereformyhealth？\"
AsJamrachhadnotbecomerichbystupidity，hehandedsomethingtohisguideandhastenedon，andsooncametoatoll—gatekeptbyaBenevolentGentleman，towhomhegavesomething，andwassufferedtopass。Alittlefartheralonghecametoabridgeacrossanimaginarystream，whereaCivilEngineer（whohadbuiltthebridge）
demandedsomethingforinterestonhisinvestment，anditwasforthcoming。ItwasgrowinglatewhenJamrachcametothemarginofwhatappearedtobealakeofblackink，andtheretheroadterminated。SeeingaFerrymaninhisboathepaidsomethingforhispassageandwasabouttoembark。
\"No，\"saidtheFerryman。\"Putyourneckinthisnoose，andIwilltowyouover。Itistheonlyway，\"headded，seeingthatthepassengerwasabouttocomplainoftheaccommodations。
Induetimehewasdraggedacross，halfstrangled，anddreadfullybeslubberedbythefeculentwaters。\"There，\"saidtheFerryman，haulinghimashoreanddisengaginghim，\"youarenowintheCityofPoliticalDistinction。Ithasfiftymillionsofinhabitants，andasthecolouroftheFilthyPooldoesnotwashoff，theyalllookexactlyalike。\"
\"Alas!\"exclaimedJamrach，weepingandbewailingthelossofallhispossessions，paidoutintipsandtolls；\"Iwillgobackwithyou。\"
\"Idon’tthinkyouwill，\"，saidtheFerryman，pushingoff；\"thiscityissituatedontheIslandoftheUnreturning。\"
ThePartyOverThereAMANinaHurry，whosewatchwasathislawyer’s，askedaGravePersonthetimeofday。
\"IheardyouaskthatPartyOverTherethesamequestion，\"saidtheGravePerson。\"Whatanswerdidhegiveyou？\"
\"Hesaiditwasaboutthreeo’clock，\"repliedtheManinaHurry；
\"buthedidnotlookathiswatch，andasthesunisnearlydown，I
thinkitislater。\"
\"Thefactthatthesunisnearlydown，\"theGravePersonsaid，\"isimmaterial，butthefactthathedidnotconsulthistimepieceandmakeanswerafterduedeliberationandconsiderationisfatal。Theanswergiven，\"continuedtheGravePerson，consultinghisowntimepiece，\"isofnoeffect，invalid，andabsurd。\"
\"What，then，\"saidtheManinaHurry，eagerly，\"isthetimeofday？\"
\"ThequestionisremandedtothePartyOverThereforanewanswer，\"repliedtheGravePerson，returninghiswatchtohispocketandmovingawaywithgreatdignity。
HewasaJudgeofanAppellateCourt。
ThePoetessofReformONEpleasantdayinthelatterpartofeternity，astheShadesofallthegreatwriterswerereposinguponbedsofasphodelandmolyintheElysianfields，eachhappyinhearingfromthelipsoftheothersnothingbutcopiousquotationfromhisownworks（forsoJovehadkindlybedeviledtheirears），therecameinamongthemwithtriumphantmienaShadewhomnoneknew。She（forthenewcomershowedsuchevidencesofsexascroppedhairandamanlystride）
tookaseatintheirmidst，andsmilingasuperiorsmileexplained：
\"AftercenturiesofoppressionIhavewrestedmyrightsfromthegraspofthejealousgods。OnearthIwasthePoetessofReform，andsangtoinattentiveears。Nowforaneternityofhonourandglory。\"
Butitwasnottobeso，andsoonshewastheunhappiestofmortals，vainlydesiroustowanderagainingloombytheinfernallakes。ForJovehadnotbedeviledherears，andsheheardfromthelipsofeachblessedShadeanincessantflowofquotationfromhisownworks。Moreover，shewasdeniedthehappinessofrepeatingherpoems。Shecouldnotrecallalineofthem，forJovehaddecreedthatthememoryofthemabideinPluto’spainfuldomain，asapartoftheapparatus。
TheUnchangedDiplomatistTHErepublicofMadagoniahadbeenlongandwellrepresentedatthecourtoftheKingofPatagascarbyanofficercalledaDazie，butonedaytheMadagonianParliamentconferreduponhimthesuperiorrankofDandee。ThenextdayafterbeingapprisedofhisnewdignityhehastenedtoinformtheKingofPatagascar。
\"Ah，yes，Iunderstand，\"saidtheKing；\"youhavebeenpromotedandgivenincreasedpayandallowances。Therewasanappropriation？\"
\"Yes，yourMajesty。\"
\"Andyouhavenowtwoheads，haveyounot？\"
\"Oh，no，yourMajesty—onlyone，Iassureyou。\"
\"Indeed？Andhowmanylegsandarms？\"
\"Twoofeach，Sire—onlytwoofeach。\"
\"Andonlyonebody？\"
\"Justasinglebody，asyouperceive。\"
Thoughtfullyremovinghiscrownandscratchingtheroyalhead，themonarchwassilentamoment，andthenhesaid：
\"Ifancythatappropriationhasbeenmisapplied。Youseemtobeaboutthesamekindofidiotthatyouwerebefore。\"
AnInvitationAPIOUSPersonwhohadoverchargedhispaunchwithdeadbirdbywayofattestinghisgratitudeforescapingthemanycalamitieswhichHeavenhadsentuponothers，fellasleepattableanddreamed。Hethoughthelivedinacountrywhereturkeysweretherulingclass，andeveryyeartheyheldafeasttomanifesttheirsenseofHeaven’sgoodnessinsparingtheirlivestokillthemlater。Oneday，aboutaweekbeforeoneofthesefeasts，hemettheSupremeGobbler，whosaid：
\"YouwillpleasegetyourselfintogoodconditionfortheThanksgivingdinner。\"
\"Yes，yourExcellency，\"repliedthePiousPerson，delighted，\"I
shallcomehungry，Iassureyou。ItisnosmallprivilegetodinewithyourExcellency。\"
TheSupremeGobblereyedhimforamomentinsilence；thenhesaid：
\"Asoneofthelowerdomesticanimals，youcannotbeexpectedtoknowmuch，butyoumightknowsomething。Sinceyoudonot，youwillpermitmetopointoutthatbeingaskedtodinnerisonething；beingaskedtodineisanotherandadifferentthing。\"
WiththissignificantremarktheSupremeGobblerlefthim，andthenceforwardthePiousPersondreamedofhimselfaswhitemeatanddarkuntilrudelyawakenedbydecapitation。
TheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTHEtwobrightestlightsofTheosophybeinginthesameplaceatonceincompanywiththeAshesofMadameBlavatsky，anInquiringSoulthoughtthetimepropitioustolearnsomethingworthwhile。
Sohesatatthefeetofoneawhile，andthenhesatawhileatthefeetoftheother，andatlastheappliedhiseartothekeyholeofthecasketcontainingtheAshesofMadameBlavatsky。WhentheInquiringSoulhadcompletedhiscourseofinstructionhedeclaredhimselftheAhkoondofSwat，fellintothebalefulhabitofstandingonhishead，andsworethatthemotherwhoborehimwasapragmaticparalogism。Whereforehewasheldinhighreverence，andwhenthetwoothergentlemenwerehangedforlyingtheTheosophistselectedhimtotheleadershipoftheirDisastralBody，andafteraquietlifeandanhonourabledeathbythekickofajackasshewasreincarnatedasaYellowDog。AssuchheatetheAshesofMadameBlavatsky，andTheosophywasnomore。
TheOpossumoftheFutureONEdayanOpossumwhohadgonetosleephangingfromthehighestbranchofatreebythetail，awokeandsawalargeSnakewoundaboutthelimb，betweenhimandthetrunkofthetree。
\"IfIholdon，\"hesaidtohimself，\"Ishallbeswallowed；ifIletgoIshallbreakmyneck。\"
Butsuddenlyhebethoughthimselftodissemble。
\"Myperfectedfriend，\"hesaid，\"myparentalinstinctrecognisesinyouanobleevidenceandillustrationofthetheoryofdevelopment。
YouaretheOpossumoftheFuture，theultimateFittestSurvivorofourspecies，theriperesultofprogressiveprehensility—alltail!\"
ButtheSnake，proudofhisancienteminenceinScripturalhistory，wasstrictlyorthodox，anddidnotacceptthescientificview。
TheLife—SaversSEVENTY—FIVEMenpresentedthemselvesbeforethePresidentoftheHumaneSocietyanddemandedthegreatgoldmedalforlife—saving。
\"Why，yes，\"saidthePresident；\"bydiligenteffortsomanymenmusthavesavedaconsiderablenumberoflives。Howmanydidyousave？\"
\"Seventy—five，sir，\"repliedtheirSpokesman。
\"Ah，yes，thatisoneeach—verygoodwork—verygoodwork，indeed，\"thePresidentsaid。\"YoushallnotonlyhavetheSociety’sgreatgoldmedal，butitsrecommendationforemploymentatthevariouslife—boatstationsalongthecoast。Buthowdidyousavesomanylives？\"
TheSpokesmanoftheMenreplied：
\"Weareofficersofthelaw，andhavejustreturnedfromthepursuitoftwomurderousoutlaws。\"
TheAustralianGrasshopperADISTINGUISHEDNaturalistwastravellinginAustralia，whenhesawaKangarooinsessionandflungastoneatit。TheKangarooimmediatelyadjourned，tracingagainstthesunsetskyaparaboliccurvespanningsevenprovinces，andevanishedbelowthehorizon。
TheDistinguishedNaturalistlookedinterested，butsaidnothingforanhour；thenhesaidtohisnativeGuide：
\"Youhaveprettywidemeadowshere，Isuppose？\"
\"No，notverywide，\"theGuideanswered；\"aboutthesameasinEnglandandAmerica。\"
AfteranotherlongsilencetheDistinguishedNaturalistsaid：
\"Thehaywhichweshallpurchaseforourhorsesthisevening—I
shallexpecttofindthestalksaboutfiftyfeetlong。AmI
right？\"
\"Why，no，\"saidtheGuide；\"afootortwoisabouttheusuallengthofourhay。Whatcanyoubethinkingof？\"
TheDistinguishedNaturalistmadenoimmediatereply，butlater，asintheshadesofnighttheyjourneyedthroughthedesolatevastnessoftheGreatLoneLand，hebrokethesilence：
\"Iwasthinking，\"hesaid，\"oftheuncommonmagnitudeofthatgrass—hopper。\"
ThePaviorANAuthorsawaLabourerhammeringstonesintothepavementofastreet，andapproachinghimsaid：
\"Myfriend，youseemweary。Ambitionisahardtaskmaster。\"
\"I’mworkingforMr。Jones，sir，\"theLabourerreplied。
\"Well，cheerup，\"theAuthorresumed；\"famecomesatthemostunexpectedtimes。To—dayyouarepoor，obscure，anddisheartened，andto—morrowtheworldmayberingingwithyourname。\"
\"Whatareyougivingme？\"theLabourersaid。\"Cannotanhonestpaviorperformhisworkinpeace，andgethismoneyforit，andhislivingbyit，withoutotherstalkingrotaboutambitionandhopesoffame？\"
\"Cannotanhonestwriter？\"saidtheAuthor。
TheTriedAssassinANAssassinbeingputupontrialinaNewEnglandcourt，hisCounselroseandsaid：\"YourHonour，Imoveforadischargeonthegroundof’onceinjeopardy’：myclienthasbeenalreadytriedforthatmurderandacquitted。\"
\"Inwhatcourt？\"askedtheJudge。
\"IntheSuperiorCourtofSanFrancisco，\"theCounselreplied。
\"Letthetrialproceed—yourmotionisdenied，\"saidtheJudge。
\"AnAssassinisnotinjeopardywhentriedinCalifornia。\"
TheBumboofJiamTHEPahdourofPatagascarandtheGookulofMadagoniaweredisputingaboutanislandwhichbothclaimed。Finally，atthesuggestionoftheInternationalLeagueofCannonFounders，whichhadimportantbranchesinbothcountries，theydecidedtorefertheirclaimstotheBumboofJiam，andabidebyhisjudgment。Insettlingthepreliminariesofthearbitrationtheyhad，however，themisfortunetodisagree，andappealedtoarms。Attheendofalonganddisastrouswar，whenbothsideswereexhaustedandbankrupt，theBumboofJiamintervenedintheinterestofpeace。
\"Mygreatandgoodfriends，\"hesaidtohisbrothersovereigns，\"itwillbeadvantageoustoyoutolearnthatsomequestionsaremorecomplexandperilousthanothers，presentingagreaternumberofpointsuponwhichitispossibletodiffer。Forfourgenerationsyourroyalpredecessorsdisputedaboutpossessionofthatisland，withoutfallingout。Beware，oh，bewaretheperilsofinternationalarbitration!—againstwhichIfeelitmydutytoprotectyouhenceforth。\"
Sosaying，heannexedbothcountries，andafteralong，peaceful，andhappyreignwaspoisonedbyhisPrimeMinister。
TheTwoPoetsTwoPoetswerequarrellingfortheAppleofDiscordandtheBoneofContention，fortheywereveryhungry。
\"Mysons，\"saidApollo，\"Iwillparttheprizesbetweenyou。You，\"
hesaidtotheFirstPoet，\"excelinArt—taketheApple。Andyou，\"hesaidtotheSecondPoet，\"inImagination—taketheBone。\"
\"ToArtthebestprize!\"saidtheFirstPoet，triumphantly，andendeavouringtodevourhisawardbrokeallhisteeth。TheApplewasaworkofArt。
\"ThatshowsourMaster’scontemptformereArt，\"saidtheSecondPoet，grinning。
ThereuponheattemptedtognawhisBone，buthisteethpassedthroughitwithoutresistance。ItwasanimaginaryBone。
TheThistlesupontheGraveAMINDReadermadeawagerthathewouldbeburiedaliveandremainsoforsixmonths，thenbedugupalive。Inordertosecurethegraveagainstsecretdisturbance，itwassownwiththistles。Attheendofthreemonths，theMindReaderlosthismoney。Hehadcomeuptoeatthethistles。
TheShadowoftheLeaderAPOLITICALLeaderwaswalkingoutonesunnyday，whenheobservedhisShadowleavinghimandwalkingrapidlyaway。
\"Comebackhere，youscoundrel，\"hecried。
\"IfIhadbeenascoundrel，\"answeredtheShadow，increasingitsspeed，\"Ishouldnothaveleftyou。\"
TheSagaciousRatARATthatwasabouttoemergefromhisholecaughtaglimpseofaCatwaitingforhim，anddescendingtothecolonyatthebottomoftheholeinvitedaFriendtojoinhiminavisittoaneighbouringcorn—bin。\"Iwouldhavegonealone，\"hesaid，\"butcouldnotdenymyselfthepleasureofsuchdistinguishedcompany。\"
\"Verywell，\"saidtheFriend，\"Iwillgowithyou。Leadon。\"
\"Lead？\"exclaimedtheother。\"What!Iprecedesogreatandillustriousaratasyou？No，indeed—afteryou，sir，afteryou。\"
Pleasedwiththisgreatshowofdeference，theFriendwentahead，and，leavingtheholefirst，wascaughtbytheCat，whoimmediatelytrottedawaywithhim。Theotherthenwentoutunmolested。
TheMemberandtheSoapAMEMBERoftheKansasLegislaturemeetingaCakeofSoapwaspassingitbywithoutrecognition，buttheCakeofSoapinsistedonstoppingandshakinghands。Thinkingitmightpossiblybeintheenjoymentoftheelectivefranchise，hegaveitacordialandearnestgrasp。Onlettingitgoheobservedthataportionofitadheredtohisfingers，andrunningtoabrookingreatalarmheproceededtowashitoff。Indoingsohenecessarilygotsomeontheotherhand，andwhenhehadfinishedwashing，bothweresowhitethathewenttobedandsentforaphysician。
AlarmandPride\"GOOD—MORNING，myfriend，\"saidAlarmtoPride；\"howareyouthismorning？\"
\"Verytired，\"repliedPride，seatinghimselfonastonebythewaysideandmoppinghissteamingbrow。\"ThepoliticiansarewearingmeoutbypointingtotheirdirtyrecordswithME，whentheycouldaswelluseastick。\"
Alarmsighedsympathetically，andsaid：
\"Itisprettymuchthesamewayhere。Insteadofusinganopera—
glasstheyviewtheactsoftheiropponentswithME!\"
Asthesepatientdrudgeswereminglingtheirtears，theywerenotifiedthattheymustgoondutyagain，foroneofthepoliticalpartieshadnominatedathiefandwasabouttoholdagratificationmeeting。
ACausewayARICHWomanhavingreturnedfromabroaddisembarkedatthefootofKnee—deepStreet，andwasabouttowalktoherhotelthroughthemud。
\"Madam，\"saidaPoliceman，\"Icannotpermityoutodothat；youwouldsoilyourshoesandstockings。\"
\"Oh，thatisofnoimportance，really，\"repliedtheRichWoman，withacheerfulsmile。
\"But，madam，itisneedless；fromthewharftothehotel，asyouobserve，extendsanunbrokenlineofprostratenewspapermenwhocravethehonourofhavingyouwalkuponthem。\"
\"Inthatcase，\"shesaid，seatingherselfinadoorwayandunlockinghersatchel，\"Ishallhavetoputonmyrubberboots。\"
TwoinTroubleMEETINGafatandpatrioticStatesmanonhiswaytoWashingtontobeseechthePresidentforanoffice，anidleTrampaccostedhimandbeggedtwenty—fivecentswithwhichtobuyasuitofclothes。
\"Melancholywreck，\"saidtheStatesman，\"whatbroughtyoutothisstateofdegradation？Liquor，Isuppose。\"
\"Iamtemperatetothevergeofabsurdity，\"repliedtheTramp。\"Myfoiblewaspatriotism；Iwasruinedbythebanefulhabitoftryingtoservemycountry。Whatruinedyou？\"
\"Indolence。\"
TheWitch’sSteedABROOMSTICKwhichhadlongservedawitchasasteedcomplainedofthenatureofitsemployment，whichitthoughtdegrading。
\"Verywell，\"saidtheWitch，\"Iwillgiveyouworkinwhichyouwillbeassociatedwithintellect—youwillcomeincontactwithbrains。Ishallpresentyoutoahousewife。\"
\"What!\"saidtheBroomstick，\"doyouconsiderthehandsofahousewifeintellectual？\"
\"Ireferred，\"saidtheWitch，\"totheheadofhergoodman。\"
TheAllDogALIONseeingaPoodlefellintolaughterattheridiculousspectacle。
\"Whoeversawsosmallabeast？\"hesaid。
\"Itisverytrue，\"saidthePoodle，withausteredignity，\"thatI
amsmall；but，sir，IbegtoobservethatIamalldog。\"
TheFarmer’sFriendAGREATPhilanthropistwhohadthoughtofhimselfinconnectionwiththePresidencyandhadintroducedabillintoCongressrequiringtheGovernmenttoloaneveryvoterallthemoneythatheneeded，onhispersonalsecurity，wasexplainingtoaSunday—schoolatarailwaystationhowmuchhehaddoneforthecountry，whenanangellookeddownfromHeavenandwept。
\"Forexample，\"saidtheGreatPhilanthropist，watchingtheteardropspatteringinthedust，\"theseearlyrainsareofincalculableadvantagetothefarmer。\"
PhysiciansTwoAWICKEDOldManfindinghimselfillsentforaPhysician，whoprescribedforhimandwentaway。ThentheWickedOldMansentforanotherPhysician，sayingnothingofthefirst，andanentirelydifferenttreatmentwasordered。Thiscontinuedforsomeweeks，thephysiciansvisitinghimonalternatedaysandtreatinghimfortwodifferentdisorders，withconstantlyenlargingdosesofmedicineandmoreandmorerigorousnursing。Butonedaytheyaccidentlymetathisbedsidewhileheslept，andthetruthcomingoutaviolentquarrelensued。
\"Mygoodfriends，\"saidthepatient，awakenedbythenoiseofthedispute，andapprehendingthecauseofit，\"praybemorereasonable。IfIcouldforweeksendureyouboth，canyounotforalittlewhileendureeachother？Ihavebeenwellfortendays，buthaveremainedinbedinthehopeofgainingbyreposethestrengththatwouldjustifymeintakingyourmedicines。SofarI
havetouchednoneofit。\"
TheOverlookedFactorAMANthatownedafineDog，andbyacarefulselectionofitsmatehadbredanumberofanimalsbutalittlelowerthantheangels，fellinlovewithhiswasherwoman，marriedher，andrearedafamilyofdolts。
\"Alas!\"heexclaimed，contemplatingthemelancholyresult，\"hadI
butchosenamateformyselfwithhalfthecarethatIdidformyDogIshouldnowbeaproudandhappyfather。\"
\"I’mnotsosureofthat，\"saidtheDog，overhearingthelament。
\"There’sadifference，certainly，betweenyourwhelpsandmine，butIventuretoflattermyselfthatitisnotduealtogethertothemothers。YouandIarenotentirelyalikeourselves。\"
ARacialParallelSOMEWhiteChristiansengagedindrivingChineseHeathensoutofanAmericantownfoundanewspaperpublishedinPekingintheChinesetongue，andcompelledoneoftheirvictimstotranslateaneditorial。ItturnedouttobeanappealtothepeopleoftheProvinceofPangKitodrivetheforeigndevilsoutofthecountryandburntheirdwellingsandchurches。AtthisevidenceofMongolianbarbaritytheWhiteChristiansweresogreatlyincensedthattheycarriedouttheiroriginaldesign。
TheHonestCadiAROBBERwhohadplunderedaMerchantofonethousandpiecesofgoldwastakenbeforetheCadi，whoaskedhimifhehadanythingtosaywhyheshouldnotbedecapitated。
\"YourHonour，\"saidtheRobber，\"Icoulddonootherwisethantakethemoney，forAllahmademethatway。\"
\"Yourdefenceisingeniousandsound，\"saidtheCadi，\"andImustacquityouofcriminality。Unfortunately，AllahhasmademesothatImustalsotakeoffyourhead—unless，\"headded，thoughtfully，\"youoffermehalfofthegold；forHemademeweakundertemptation。\"
ThereupontheRobberputfivehundredpiecesofgoldintotheCadi’shand。
\"Good，\"saidtheCadi。\"Ishallnowremovebutonehalfyourhead。
ToshowmytrustinyourdiscretionIshallleaveintactthehalfyoutalkwith。\"
TheKangarooandtheZebraAKANGAROOhoppingawkwardlyalongwithsomebulkyobjectconcealedinherpouchmetaZebra，anddesirousofkeepinghisattentionuponhimself，said：
\"Yourcostumelooksasifyoumighthavecomeoutofthepenitentiary。\"
\"Appearancesaredeceitful，\"repliedtheZebra，smilingintheconsciousnessofamoreinsupportablewit，\"orIshouldhavetothinkthatyouhadcomeoutoftheLegislature。\"
AMatterofMethodAPHILOSOPHERseeingaFoolbeatinghisDonkey，said：
\"Abstain，myson，abstain，Iimplore。Thosewhoresorttoviolenceshallsufferfromviolence。\"
\"That，\"saidtheFool，diligentlybelabouringtheanimal，\"iswhatI’mtryingtoteachthisbeast—whichhaskickedme。\"
\"Doubtless，\"saidthePhilosophertohimself，ashewalkedaway，\"thewisdomoffoolsisnodeepernortruerthanours，buttheyreallydoseemtohaveamoreimpressivewayofimpartingit。\"
TheManofPrincipleDURINGashowerofraintheKeeperofaZoologicalgardenobservedaManofPrinciplecrouchingbeneaththebellyoftheostrich，whichhaddrawnitselfuptoitsfullheighttosleep。
\"Why，mydearsir，\"saidtheKeeper，\"ifyoufeartogetwet，you’dbettercreepintothepouchofyonderfemalekangaroo—theSALTARIXMACKINTOSHA—forifthatostrichwakeshewillkickyoutodeathinaminute。\"
\"Ican’thelpthat，\"theManofPrinciplereplied，withthatloftyscornofpracticalconsiderationsdistinguishinghisspecies。\"Hemaykickmetodeathifhewish，butuntilhedoesheshallgivemeshelterfromthestorm。Hehasswallowedmyumbrella。\"
TheReturnedCalifornianAMANwashangedbytheneckuntilhewasdead。
\"Whencedoyoucome？\"SaintPeteraskedwhentheManpresentedhimselfatthegateofHeaven。
\"FromCalifornia，\"repliedtheapplicant。
\"Enter，myson，enter；youbringjoyoustidings。\"
WhentheManhadvanishedinside，SaintPetertookhismemorandum—
tabletandmadethefollowingentry：
\"February16，1893。CaliforniaoccupiedbytheChristians。\"
TheCompassionatePhysicianAKIND—HEARTEDPhysiciansittingatthebedsideofapatientafflictedwithanincurableandpainfuldisease，heardanoisebehindhim，andturningsawacatlaughingatthefeebleeffortsofawoundedmousetodragitselfoutoftheroom。
\"Youcruelbeast!\"criedhe。\"Whydon’tyoukillitatonce，likealady？\"
Rising，hekickedthecatoutofthedoor，andpickingupthemousecompassionatelyputitoutofitsmiserybypullingoffitshead。
Recalledtothebedsidebythemoansofhispatient，theKind—
heartedPhysicianadministeredastimulant，atonic，andanutrient，andwentaway。
TwooftheDamnedTWOBlightedBeings，haggard，lachrymose，anddetested，metonablastedheathinthelightofastrugglingmoon。
\"IwishyouamerryChristmas，\"saidtheFirstBlightedBeing，inavoicelikethatofasingingtomb。
\"AndIyouahappyNewYear，\"respondedtheSecondBlightedBeing，withtheaccentofapenitentaccordeon。
Theythenfelluponeachother’sneckandweptscaldingrillsdowneachother’sspineintokenoftheirbanishmenttotheRealmofIneffableBosh。ForoneoftheseaccursedcreatureswastheFirstofJanuary，andtheothertheTwenty—fifthofDecember。
TheAustereGovernorAGOVERNORvisitingaStateprisonwasimploredbyaConvicttopardonhim。
\"Whatareyouinfor？\"askedtheGovernor。
\"Iheldahighoffice，\"theConvicthumblyreplied，\"andsoldsubordinateappointments。\"
\"ThenIdeclinetointerfere，\"saidtheGovernor，withasperity；\"amanwhoabuseshisofficebymakingitserveaprivateendandpurveyapersonaladvantageisunfittobefree。Bytheway，Mr。
Warden，\"headdedtothatofficial，astheConvictslunkaway，\"inappointingyoutothisposition，IwasgiventounderstandthatyourfriendscouldmaketheShikanecountydelegationtothenextStateconventionsolidfor—forthepresentAdministration。WasI
rightlyinformed？\"
\"Youwere，sir。\"
\"Verywell，then，Iwillbidyougood—day。PleasebesogoodastoappointmynephewNightChaplainandReminderofMothersandSisters。\"
ReligionsofErrorHEARINGasoundofstrife，aChristianintheOrientaskedhisDragomanthecauseofit。
\"TheBuddhistsarecuttingMohammedanthroats，\"theDragomanreplied，withorientalcomposure。
\"Ididnotknow，\"remarkedtheChristian，withscientificinterest，\"thatthatwouldmakesomuchnoise。\"
\"TheMohammedansarecuttingBuddhistthroats，too，\"addedtheDragoman。