\"Itisastonishing，\"musedtheChristian，\"howviolentandhowgeneralarereligiousanimosities。Everywhereintheworldthedevoteesofeachlocalfaithabhorthedevoteesofeveryother，andabstainfrommurderonlysolongastheydarenotcommitit。Andthestrangestthingaboutitisthatallreligionsareerroneousandmischievousexceptingmine。Mine，thankGod，istrueandbenign。\"
SosayinghevisiblysmuggedandwentofftotelegraphforabrigadeofcutthroatstoprotectChristianinterests。
ThePenitentElectorAPERSONbelongingtotheSocietyforPassingResolutionsofRespectfortheMemoryofDeceasedMembershavingdiedreceivedthecustomaryattention。
\"GoodHeavens!\"exclaimedaSovereignElector，onhearingtheresolutionsread，\"whatalosstothenation!AndtothinkthatI
oncevotedagainstthatangelforInspectorofGate—latchesinPublicSquares!\"
InremorsetheSovereignElectordeprivedhimselfofpoliticalinfluencebylearningtoread。
TheTailoftheSphinxADOGofataciturndispositionsaidtohisTail：
\"WheneverIamangry，youriseandbristle；whenIampleased，youwag；whenIamalarmed，youtuckyourselfinoutofdanger。Youaretoomercurial—youdiscloseallmyemotions。Mynotionisthattailsaregiventoconcealthought。ItismydearestambitiontobeasimpassiveastheSphinx。\"
\"Myfriend，youmustrecognisethelawsandlimitationsofyourbeing，\"repliedtheTail，withflexionsappropriatetothesentimentsuttered，\"andtrytobegreatsomeotherway。TheSphinxhasonehundredandfiftyqualificationsforimpassivenesswhichyoulack。\"
\"Whatarethey？\"theDogasked。
\"Onehundredandforty—ninetonsofsandonhertail。\"
\"And—？\"
\"Astonetail。\"
AProphetofEvilANUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrustsawaManLeaningonaSpade，andaskedhimwhyhewasnotatwork。
\"Because，\"saidtheManLeaningonaSpade，\"IbelongtotheGravediggers’NationalExtortionSociety，andwehavedecidedtolimittheproductionofgravesandgetmoremoneyforthereducedoutput。Wehaveacorneringravesandproposetoworkittothebestadvantage。\"
\"Myfriend，\"saidtheUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrust，\"thisisamosthatefulandinjuriousscheme。Ifpeoplecannotbeassuredofgraves，Ifeartheywillnolongerdie，andthebestinterestsofcivilisationwillwitherlikeafrostedleaf。\"
Andblowinghiseyesuponhishandkerchief，hewalkedawaylamenting。
TheCrewoftheLife—boatTHEGallantCrewatalife—savingstationwereabouttolaunchtheirlife—boatforaspinalongthecoastwhentheydiscovered，butalittledistanceaway，acapsizedvesselwithadozenmenclingingtoherkeel。
\"Wearefortunate，\"saidtheGallantCrew，\"tohaveseenthatintime。Ourfatemighthavebeenthesameastheirs。\"
Sotheyhauledthelife—boatbackintoitshouse，andweresparedtotheserviceoftheircountry。
ATreatyofPeaceTHROUGHmassacresofeachother’scitizensChinaandtheUnitedStateshadbeenfourtimesplungedintodevastatingwars，when，intheyear1994，aroseaPhilosopherinMadagascar，wholaidbeforetheGovernmentsofthetwodistractedcountriesthefollowingMODUS
VIVENDI：
\"Massacresaretobesternlyforbiddenasheretofore；butanycitizenorsubjectofeithercountrydisobeyingtheinjunctionistodetachthescalpsofallpersonsmassacredanddepositthemwithalocalofficerdesignatedtoreceiveandpreservethemandsworntokeepandrenderatrueaccountthereof。Attheconclusionofeachmassacreineithercountry，orassoonthereafteraspracticable，oratstatedregularperiods，asmaybeprovidedbytreaty，thereshallbeanexchangeofscalpsbetweenthetwoGovernments，scalpforscalp，withoutregardtosexorage；theGovernmenthavingthegreatestnumberistobetaxedontheexcessattherateof$1000ascalp，andtheotherGovernmentcreditedwiththeamount。Onceineverydecadethereshallbeageneralsettlement，whenthebalancedueshallbepaidtothecreditornationinMexicandollars。\"
Theplanwasadopted，thenecessarytreatymade，withlegislationtocarryoutitsprovisions；theMadagascarenePhilosophertookhisseatintheTempleofImmortality，andPeacespreadherwhitewingsoverthetwonations，totheunspeakabledefilingofherplumage。
TheNightsideofCharacterAGIFTEDandHonourableEditor，whobypracticeofhisprofessionhadacquiredwealthanddistinction，appliedtoanOldFriendforthehandofhisdaughterinmarriage。
\"Withallmyheart，andGodblessyou!\"saidtheOldFriend，graspinghimbybothhands。\"ItisagreaterhonourthanIhaddaredtohopefor。\"
\"Iknewwhatyouranswerwouldbe，\"repliedtheGiftedandHonourableEditor。\"Andyet，\"headded，withaslysmile，\"IfeelthatIoughttogiveyouasmuchknowledgeofmycharacterasI
possess。Inthisscrap—bookissuchtestimonyrelatingtomyshadyside，asIhavewithinthepasttenyearsbeenabletocutfromthecolumnsofmycompetitorsinthebusinessofelevatinghumanitytoahigherplaneofmindandmorals—my’loathsomecontemporaries。’\"
Layingthebookonatable，hewithdrewinhighspiritstomakearrangementsforthewedding。Threedayslaterhereceivedthescrap—bookfromamessenger，withanotewarninghimneveragaintodarkenhisOldFriend’sdoor。
\"See!\"theGiftedandHonourableEditorexclaimed，pointingtothatinjunction—\"Iamapainterandgrainer!\"
AndhewasledawaytotheAsylumfortheIndiscreet。
TheFaithfulCashierTHECashierofabankhavingdefaultedwasaskedbytheDirectorswhathehaddonewiththemoneytaken。
\"Iamgreatlysurprisedbysuchaquestion，\"saidtheCashier；\"itsoundsasifyoususpectedmeofselfishness。Gentlemen，IappliedthatmoneytothepurposeforwhichItookit；Ipaiditasaninitiationfeeandoneyear’sduesinadvancetotheTreasureroftheCashiers’MutualDefenceAssociation。\"
\"Whatistheobjectofthatorganisation？\"theDirectorsinquired。
\"Whenanyoneofitsmembersisundersuspicion，\"repliedtheCashier，\"theAssociationundertakestoclearhischaracterbysubmittingevidencethathewasneveraprominentmemberofanychurch，norforemostinSunday—schoolwork。\"
Recognisingthevaluetothebankofaspotlessreputationforitsofficers，thePresidentdrewhischeckfortheamountoftheshortageandtheCashierwasrestoredtofavour。
TheCircularClewADETECTIVEsearchingforthemurdererofadeadmanwasaccostedbyaClew。
\"Followme，\"saidtheClew，\"andthere’snoknowingwhatyoumaydiscover。\"
SotheDetectivefollowedtheClewawholeyearthroughathousandsinuosities，andatlastfoundhimselfintheofficeoftheMorgue。
\"There!\"saidtheClew，pointingtotheopenregister。
TheDetectiveeagerlyscannedthepage，andfoundanofficialstatementthatthedeceasedwasdead。ThereuponhehastenedtoPoliceHeadquarterstoreportprogress。TheClew，meanwhile，saunteredamongthebusyhauntsofmen，arminarmwithanIngeniousTheory。\"
TheDevotedWidowAWIDOWweepingonherhusband’sgravewasapproachedbyanEngagingGentlemanwho，inarespectfulmanner，assuredherthathehadlongentertainedforherthemosttenderfeelings。
\"Wretch!\"criedtheWidow。\"Leavemethisinstant!Isthisatimetotalktomeoflove？\"
\"Iassureyou，madam，thatIhadnotintendedtodisclosemyaffection，\"theEngagingGentlemanhumblyexplained，\"butthepowerofyourbeautyhasovercomemydiscretion。\"
\"YoushouldseemewhenIhavenotbeencrying，\"saidtheWidow。
TheHardyPatriotsADISPENSER—ELECTofPatronagegavenoticethroughthenewspapersthatapplicantsforplaceswouldbegivennoneuntilheshouldassumethedutiesofhisoffice。
\"Youareexposingyourselftoagravedanger，\"saidaLawyer。
\"Howso？\"theDispenser—Electinquired。
\"Itwillbenearlytwomonths，\"theLawyeranswered，\"beforethedaythatyoumention。Fewpatriotscanlivesolongwithouteating，andsomeoftheapplicantswillbecompelledtogotoworkinthemeantime。Ifthatkillsthem，youwillbeliabletoprosecutionformurder。\"
\"Youunderratetheirpowersofendurance，\"theofficialreplied。
\"What!\"saidtheLawyer，\"youthinktheycanstandwork？\"
\"No，\"saidtheother—\"hunger。\"
TheHumblePeasantANOfficeSeekerwhomthePresidenthadorderedoutofWashingtonwaswateringthehomewardhighwaywithhistears。
\"Ah，\"hesaid，\"howdisastrousisambition!howunsatisfyingitsrewards!howterribleitsdisappointments!Beholdyonderpeasanttillinghisfieldinpeaceandcontentment!Heriseswiththelark，passesthedayinwholesometoil，andliesdownatnighttopleasantdreams。Inthemadstruggleforplaceandpowerhehasnopart；theroarofthestrifereacheshisearlikethedistantmurmuroftheocean。Happy，thricehappyman!Iwillapproachhimandbaskinthesunshineofhishumblefelicity。Peasant，allhail!\"
Leaninguponhisrake，thePeasantreturnedthesalutationwithanod，butsaidnothing。
\"Myfriend，\"saidtheOfficeSeeker，\"youseebeforeyouthewreckofanambitiousman—ruinedbythepursuitofplaceandpower。
ThismorningwhenIsetoutfromthenationalcapital—\"
\"Stranger，\"thePeasantinterrupted，\"ifyou’regoingbacktheresoonmaybeyouwouldn’tmindusingyourinfluencetomakemePostmasteratSmith’sCorners。\"
Thetravellerpassedon。
TheVariousDelegationTHEKingofWideouthavingbeenofferedthesovereigntyofWayoff，sentfortheThreePersonswhohadmadetheoffer，andsaidtothem：
\"Iamextremelyobligedtoyou，butbeforeacceptingsogreataresponsibilityImustascertainthesentimentsofthepeopleofWayoff。\"
\"Sire，\"saidtheSpokesmanoftheThreePersons，\"theystandbeforeyou。\"
\"Indeed!\"saidtheKing；\"areyou，then，thepeopleofWayoff？\"
\"Yes，yourMajesty。\"
\"Therearenotmanyofyou，\"theKingsaid，attentivelyregardingthemwiththeroyaleye，\"andyouarenotsoverylarge；Ihardlythinkyouareaquorum。Moreover，Ineverheardofyouuntilyoucamehere；whereasWayoffisnotedforthequalityofitsporkandcontainshogsofdistinction。IshallsendaCommissionertoascertainthesentimentsofthehogs。\"
TheThreePersons，bowingprofoundly，backedoutofthepresence；
butsoonafterwardtheydesiredanotheraudience，and，onbeingreadmitted，said，throughtheirSpokesman：
\"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，wearethehogs。\"
TheNoCaseASTATESMANwhohadbeenindictedbyanunfeelingGrandJurywasarrestedbyaSheriffandthrownintojail。Asthiswasabhorrenttohisfinespiritualnature，hesentfortheDistrictAttorneyandaskedthatthecaseagainsthimbedismissed。
\"Uponwhatgrounds？\"askedtheDistrictAttorney。
\"Lackofevidencetoconvict，\"repliedtheaccused。
\"Doyouhappentohavethelackwithyou？\"theofficialasked。\"I
shouldliketoseeit。\"
\"Withpleasure，\"saidtheother；\"hereitis。\"
Sosayinghehandedtheotheracheck，whichtheDistrictAttorneycarefullyexamined，andthenpronounceditthemostcompleteabsenceofbothproofandpresumptionthathehadeverseen。Hesaiditwouldacquittheoldestmanintheworld。
AHarmlessVisitorATameetingoftheGoldenLeagueofMysteryaWomanwasdiscovered，writinginanote—book。AmemberdirectedtheattentionoftheSuperbHighChairmantoher，andshewasaskedtoexplainherpresencethere，andwhatshewasdoing。
\"Icameinformyownpleasureandinstruction，\"shesaid，\"andwassostruckbythewisdomofthespeakersthatIcouldnothelpmakingafewnotes。\"
\"Madam，\"saidtheSuperbHighChairman，\"wehavenoobjectiontovisitorsiftheywillpledgethemselvesnottopublishanythingtheyhear。Areyou—onyourhonourasalady，now，madam—areyounotconnectedwithsomenewspaper？\"
\"Goodgracious，no!\"criedtheWoman，earnestly。\"Why，sir，IamanofficeroftheWomen’sPressAssociation!\"
Shewaspermittedtoremain，andpresentedwithresolutionsofapology。
TheJudgeandtheRashActAJUDGEwhohadforyearslookedinvainforanopportunityforinfamousdistinction，butwhomnolitigantthoughtworthbribing，satonedayupontheBench，lamentinghishardlot，andthreateningtoputanendtohislifeifbusinessdidnotimprove。Suddenlyhefoundhimselfconfrontedbyadreadfulfigurecladinashroud，whosepallorandstonyeyessmotehimwithahorribleapprehension。
\"Whoareyou，\"hefaltered，\"andwhydoyoucomehere？\"
\"IamtheRashAct，\"wasthesepulchralreply；\"youmaycommitme。\"
\"No，\"thejudgesaid，thoughtfully，\"no，thatwouldbequiteirregular。Idonotsitto—dayasacommittingmagistrate。\"
ThePrerogativeofMightASLANDERtravellingrapidlythroughthelanduponitsjoyousmissionwasaccostedbyaRetractionandcommandedtohaltandbekilled。
\"Yourcareerofmischiefisatanend，\"saidtheRetraction，drawinghisclub，rollinguphissleeves，andspittingonhishands。
\"Whyshouldyouslayme？\"protestedtheSlander。\"Whatevermyintentionswere，Ihavebeeninnocuous，foryouhavedoggedmystridesandcounteractedmyinfluence。\"
\"Doggedyourgrandmother!\"saidtheRetraction，withcontemptuousvulgarityofspeech。\"Intheorderofnatureitisappointedthatwetwoshallnevertravelthesameroad。\"
\"Howthen，\"theSlanderasked，triumphantly，\"haveyouovertakenme？\"
\"Ihavenot，\"repliedtheRetraction；\"wehaveaccidentallymet。I
cameroundtheworldtheotherway。\"
Butwhenhetriedtoexecutehisfellpurposehefoundthatintheorderofnatureitwasappointedthathehimselfperishmiserablyintheencounter。
AnInflatedAmbitionTHEPresidentofagreatCorporationwentintoadry—goodsshopandsawaplacardwhichread：
\"IfYouDon’tSeeWhatYouWant，AskForIt。\"
Approachingtheshopkeeper，whohadbeennarrowlyobservinghimashereadtheplacard，hewasabouttospeak，whentheshopkeepercalledtoasalesman：
\"John，showthisgentlemantheworld。\"
RejectedServicesAHEAVYOperatorovertakenbyaReverseofFortunewasbewailinghissuddenfallfromaffluencetoindigence。
\"Donotweep，\"saidtheReverseofFortune。\"Youneednotsufferalone。Nameanyoneofthemenwhohaveopposedyourschemes，andIwillovertakeHIM。\"
\"Itishardlyworthwhile，\"saidthevictim，earnestly。\"Notasoulofthemhasacent!\"
ThePoweroftheScalawagAFORESTRYCommissionerhadjustfelledagianttreewhen，seeinganhonestmanapproaching，hedroppedhisaxeandfled。Thenextdaywhenhecautiouslyreturnedtogethisaxe，hefoundthefollowinglinespencilledonthestump：
\"Whatnaturerearedbycenturiesoftoil，Ascalawaginhalfadaycanspoil；
AnequalfateforhimmayHeavenprovide—
Damnedinthemomentofhistallestpride。\"
AtLarge—OneTemperATURBULENTPersonwasbroughtbeforeaJudgetobetriedforanassaultwithintenttocommitmurder，anditwasprovedthathehadbeenvariouslyobstreperouswithoutapparentprovocation，hadaffectedtheperipheriesofseverallucklessfellow—citizenswiththetrunkofasmalltree，andsubsequentlycleanedoutthetown。
Whiletryingtopalliatethesemisdeeds，thedefendant’sAttorneyturnedsuddenlytotheJudge，saying：
\"DidyourHonoureverloseyourtemper？\"
\"Ifineyoutwenty—fivedollarsforcontemptofcourt!\"roaredtheJudge，inwrath。\"Howdareyoumentionthelossofmytemperinconnectionwiththiscase？\"
Afteramoment’ssilencetheAttorneysaid，meekly：
\"Ithoughtmyclientmightperhapshavefoundit。\"
TheSeekerandtheSoughtAPOLITICIANseeingafatTurkeywhichhewantedfordinner，baitedahookwithagrainofcornanddraggeditbeforethefowlattheendofalongandalmostinvisibleline。WhentheTurkeyhadswallowedthehook，thePoliticianran，drawingthecreatureafterhim。
\"Fellow—citizens，\"hecried，addressingsometurkey—breederswhomhemet，\"youobservethatthemandoesnotseekthebird，butthebirdseekstheman。ForthisunsolicitedandunexpecteddinnerI
thankyouwithallmyheart。\"
HisFly—SpeckMajestyADISTINGUISHEDAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutionswasseenpicklinghisshinsintheocean。
\"Whydon’tyoucomeoutondryland？\"saidtheSpectator。\"Whatareyouintherefor？\"
\"Sir，\"repliedtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，\"ashipisexpected，bearingHisMajestytheKingoftheFly—SpeckIslands，andIwishtobethefirsttograspthecrownedhand。\"
\"But，\"saidtheSpectator，\"yousaidinyourfamousspeechbeforetheSocietyforthePreventionoftheProtrusionofNailHeadsfromPlankSidewalksthatKingswereblood—smearedoppressorsandhell—
boundloafers。\"
\"Mydearsir，\"saidtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthehorizon，\"youwanderawayintothestrangestirrelevancies!IspokeofKingsintheabstract。\"
ThePugilist’sDietTHETrainerofaPugilistconsultedaPhysicianregardingthechampion’sdiet。
\"Beef—steaksaretootender，\"saidthePhysician；\"havehismeatcutfromtheneckofabull。\"
\"Ithoughtthesteaksmoredigestible，\"theTrainerexplained。
\"Thatisverytrue，\"saidthePhysician；\"buttheydonotsufficientlyexercisethechin。\"
TheOldManandthePupilABEAUTIFULOldMan，meetingaSunday—schoolPupil，laidhishandtenderlyuponthelad’shead，saying：\"Listen，myson，tothewordsofthewiseandheedtheadviceoftherighteous。\"
\"Allright，\"saidtheSunday—schoolPupil；\"goahead。\"
\"Oh，Ihaven’tanythingtodowithitmyself，\"saidtheBeautifulOldMan。\"Iamonlyobservingoneofthecustomsoftheage。Iamapirate。\"
Andwhenhehadtakenhishandfromthelad’shead，thelatterobservedthathishairwasfullofclottedblood。ThentheBeautifulOldManwenthisway，instructingotheryouth。
TheDeceasedandhisHeirsAMANdiedleavingalargeestateandmanysorrowfulrelationswhoclaimedit。Aftersomeyears，whenallbutonehadhadjudgmentgivenagainstthem，thatonewasawardedtheestate，whichheaskedhisAttorneytohaveappraised。
\"Thereisnothingtoappraise，\"saidtheAttorney，pocketinghislastfee。
\"Then，\"saidtheSuccessfulClaimant，\"whatgoodhasallthislitigationdoneme？\"
\"Youhavebeenagoodclienttome，\"theAttorneyreplied，gatheringuphisbooksandpapers，\"butImustsayyoubetrayasurprisingignoranceofthepurposeoflitigation。\"
ThePoliticiansandthePlunderSEVERALPoliticalEntitiesweredividingthespoils。
\"Iwilltakethemanagementoftheprisons，\"saidaDecentRespectforPublicOpinion，\"andmakearadicalchange。\"
\"AndI，\"saidtheBlottedEscutcheon，\"willretainmypresentgeneralconnectionwithaffairs，whilemyfriendhere，theSoiledErmine，willremainintheJudiciary。\"
ThePoliticalPotsaiditwouldnotboilanymoreunlessreplenishedfromtheFilthyPool。
TheCohesivePowerofPublicPlunderquietlyremarkedthatthetwobosseswould，hesupposed，naturallybehisshare。
\"No，\"saidtheDepthofDegradation，\"theyhavealreadyfallentome。\"
TheManandtheWartAPERSONwithaWartonHisNosemetaPersonSimilarlyAfflicted，andsaid：
\"LetmeproposeyournameformembershipintheImperialOrderofAbnormalProboscidians，ofwhichIamtheHighNobleTobyandSurreptitiousTreasurer。TwomonthsagoIwastheonlymember。
Onemonthagothereweretwo。To—daywenumberfourEmperorsoftheAbnormalProboscisingoodstanding—doubleseveryfourweeks，see？That’sgeometricalprogression—youknowhowthatpilesup。
InayearandahalfeverymaninCaliforniawillhaveawartonhisNose。PowerfulOrder!Initiation，fivedollars。\"
\"Myfriend，\"saidthePersonSimilarlyAfflicted，\"herearefivedollars。Keepmynameoffyourbooks。\"
\"Thankyoukindly，\"theManwithaWartonHisNosereplied，pocketingthemoney；\"itisjustthesametousasifyoujoined。
Good—by。\"
Hewentaway，butinalittlewhilehewasback。
\"Iquiteforgottomentionthemonthlydues，\"hesaid。
TheDividedDelegationADELEGATIONatWashingtonwenttoaNewPresident，andsaid：
\"YourExcellency，weareunabletoagreeuponaFavouriteSontorepresentusinyourCabinet。\"
\"Then，\"saidtheNewPresident，\"Ishallhavetolockyouupuntilyoudoagree。\"
SotheDelegationwascastintothedeepestdungeonbeneaththemoat，whereitmaintainedadividedmindformanyweeks，butfinallyreconcileditsdifferencesandaskedtobetakenbeforetheNewPresident。
\"Mychild，\"saidhe，\"nothingissobeautifulasharmony。MyCabinetSelectionswereallmadebeforeourformerinterview，butyouhavesuppliedanobleinstanceofpatriotisminsubordinatingyourpersonalpreferencestothegeneralgood。Gonowtoyourbeautifulhomesandbehappy。\"
ItisnotrecordedthattheDelegationwashappy。
AForfeitedRightTHEChiefoftheWeatherBureauhavingpredictedafineday，aThriftyPersonhastenedtolayinalargestockofumbrellas，whichheexposedforsaleonthesidewalk；buttheweatherremainedclear，andnobodywouldbuy。ThereupontheThriftyPersonbroughtanactionagainsttheChiefoftheWeatherBureauforthecostoftheumbrellas。
\"YourHonour，\"saidthedefendant’sattorney，whenthecasewascalled，\"Imovethatthisastonishingactionbedismissed。Notonlyismyclientinnowayresponsiblefortheloss，buthedistinctlyforeshadowedtheverythingthatcausedit。\"
\"Thatisjustit，yourHonour，\"repliedthecounselfortheplaintiff；\"thedefendantbymakingacorrectforecastfooledmyclientintheonlywaythathecoulddoso。Hehasliedsomuchandsonotoriouslythathehasneitherthelegalnormoralrighttotellthetruth。\"
Judgmentfortheplaintiff。
RevengeANInsuranceAgentwastryingtoinduceaHardMantoDealWithtotakeoutapolicyonhishouse。Afterlisteningtohimforanhour，whilehepaintedinvividcolourstheextremedangeroffireconsumingthehouse，theHardMantoDealWithsaid：
\"Doyoureallythinkitlikelythatmyhousewillburndowninsidethetimethatpolicywillrun？\"
\"Certainly，\"repliedtheInsuranceAgent；\"haveInotbeentryingallthistimetoconvinceyouthatIdo？\"
\"Then，\"saidtheHardMantoDealWith，\"whyareyousoanxioustohaveyourCompanybetmemoneythatitwillnot？\"
TheAgentwassilentandthoughtfulforamoment；thenhedrewtheotherapartintoanunfrequentedplaceandwhisperedinhisear：
\"Myfriend，Iwillimparttoyouadarksecret。YearsagotheCompanybetrayedmysweetheartbypromiseofmarriage。UnderanassumednameIhavewormedmyselfintoitsserviceforrevenge；andasthereisaheavenaboveus，Iwillhaveitsheart’sblood!\"
AnOptimistTwoFrogsinthebellyofasnakewereconsideringtheiralteredcircumstances。
\"Thisisprettyhardluck，\"saidone。
\"Don’tjumptoconclusions，\"theothersaid；\"weareoutofthewetandprovidedwithboardandlodging。\"
\"Withlodging，certainly，\"saidtheFirstFrog；\"butIdon’tseetheboard。\"
\"Youareacroaker，\"theotherexplained。\"Weareourselvestheboard。\"
AValuableSuggestionABIGNationhavingaquarrelwithaLittleNation，resolvedtoterrifyitsantagonistbyagrandnavaldemonstrationinthelatter’sprincipalport。SotheBigNationassembledallitsshipsofwarfromallovertheworld，andwasabouttosendthemthreehundredandfiftythousandmilestotheplaceofrendezvous，whenthePresidentoftheBigNationreceivedthefollowingnotefromthePresidentoftheLittleNation：
\"Mygreatandgoodfriend，Ihearthatyouaregoingtoshowusyournavy，inordertoimpressuswithasenseofyourpower。Howneedlesstheexpense!Toprovetoyouthatwealreadyknowallaboutit，Iincloseherewithalistanddescriptionofalltheshipsyouhave。\"
Thegreatandgoodfriendwassostruckbythehardsenseoftheletterthathekepthisnavyathome，andsavedonethousandmilliondollars。Thiseconomyenabledhimtobuyasatisfactorydecisionwhenthecauseofthequarrelwassubmittedtoarbitration。
TwoFootpadsTwoFootpadssatattheirgroginaroadsideresort，comparingtheevening’sadventures。
\"IstooduptheChiefofPolice，\"saidtheFirstFootpad，\"andI
gotawaywithwhathehad。\"
\"AndI，\"saidtheSecondFootpad，\"stooduptheUnitedStatesDistrictAttorney，andgotawaywith—\"
\"GoodLord!\"interruptedtheotherinastonishmentandadmiration—
\"yougotawaywithwhatthatfellowhad？\"
\"No，\"theunfortunatenarratorexplained—\"withasmallpartofwhatIhad。\"
EquippedforServiceDURINGtheCivilWaraPatriotwaspassingthroughtheStateofMarylandwithapassfromthePresidenttojoinGrant’sarmyandseethefighting。StoppingadayatAnnapolis，hevisitedtheshopofawell—knownopticianandorderedsevenpowerfultelescopes，oneforeverydayintheweek。InrecognitionofthismunificentpatronageoftheState’slanguishingindustries，theGovernorcommissionedhimacolonel。
TheBaskingCycloneANEGROinaboat，gatheringdriftwood，sawasleepingAlligator，and，thinkingitwasalog，felltoestimatingthenumberofshinglesitwouldmakeforhisnewcabin。Havingsatisfiedhismindonthatpoint，hestuckhisboat—hookintothebeast’sbacktoharvesthisgoodfortune。Thereuponthesaurianemergedfromhisdreamandtooktothewater，greatlytothesurpriseoftheman—
and—brother。
\"Ineverbefo’seensuchacycloneasdat，\"heexclaimedassoonashehadrecoveredhisbreath。\"Itdonecarryawayderufofmyhouse!\"
AtthePoleAFTERagreatexpenditureoflifeandtreasureaDaringExplorerhadsucceededinreachingtheNorthPole，whenhewasapproachedbyaNativeGaleutwholivedthere。
\"Goodmorning，\"saidtheNativeGaleut。\"I’mverygladtoseeyou，butwhydidyoucomehere？\"
\"Glory，\"saidtheDaringExplorer，curtly。
\"Yes，yes，Iknow，\"theotherpersisted；\"butofwhatbenefittomanisyourdiscovery？Towhattruthsdoesitgiveaccesswhichwereinaccessiblebefore？—facts，Imean，havingascientificvalue？\"
\"I’llbeTomscattedifIknow，\"thegreatmanreplied，frankly；
\"youwillhavetoasktheScientistoftheExpedition。\"
ButtheScientistoftheExpeditionexplainedthathehadbeensoengrossedwiththecareofhisinstrumentsandthestudyofhistablesthathehadfoundnotimetothinkofit。
TheOptimistandtheCynicAMANwhohadexperiencedthefavoursoffortuneandwasanOptimist，metamanwhohadexperiencedanoptimistandwasaCynic。SotheCynicturnedoutoftheroadtolettheOptimistrollbyinhisgoldcarriage。
\"Myson，\"saidtheOptimist，stoppingthegoldcarriage，\"youlookasifyouhadnotafriendintheworld。\"
\"Idon’tknowifIhaveornot，\"repliedtheCynic，\"foryouhavetheworld。\"
ThePoetandtheEditor\"MYdearsir，\"saidtheeditortotheman，whohadcalledtoseeabouthispoem，\"Iregrettosaythatowingtoanunfortunatealtercationinthisofficethegreaterpartofyourmanuscriptisillegible；abottleofinkwasupsetuponit，blottingoutallbutthefirstline—thatistosay—\"
\"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling。’
\"Unluckily，nothavingreadthepoem，Iwasunabletosupplytheincidentsthatfollowed；otherwisewecouldhavegiventheminourownwords。Ifthenewsisnotstale，andhasnotalreadyappearedintheotherpapers，perhapsyouwillkindlyrelatewhatoccurred，whileImakenotesofit。
\"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling，’
\"Goon。\"
\"What!\"saidthepoet，\"doyouexpectmetoreproducetheentirepoemfrommemory？\"
\"Onlythesubstanceofit—justtheleadingfacts。Wewilladdwhateverisnecessaryinthewayofamplificationandembellishment。Itwilldetainyoubutamoment。
\"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling—’
\"Now，then。\"
Therewasasoundofaslowgettingupandgoingaway。Thechroniclerofpassingeventssatthroughit，motionless，withsuspendedpen；andwhenthemovementwascompletePoesywasrepresentedinthatplacebynothingbutawarmspotonthewoodenchair。
TheTakenHandASUCCESSFULManofBusiness，havingoccasiontowritetoaThief，expressedawishtoseehimandshakehands。
\"No，\"repliedtheThief，\"therearesomethingswhichIwillnottake—amongthemyourhand。\"
\"Youmustusealittlestrategy，\"saidaPhilosophertowhomtheSuccessfulManofBusinesshadreportedtheThief’shaughtyreply。
\"Leaveyourhandoutsomenight，andhewilltakeit。\"
SoonenighttheSuccessfulManofBusinesslefthishandoutofhisneighbour’spocket，andtheThieftookitwithavidity。
AnUnspeakableImbecileAJUDGEsaidtoaConvictedAssassin：
\"Prisoneratthebar，haveyouanythingtosaywhythedeath—
sentenceshouldnotbepasseduponyou？\"
\"WillwhatIsaymakeanydifference？\"askedtheConvictedAssassin。
\"Idonotseehowitcan，\"theJudgeanswered，reflectively。\"No，itwillnot。\"
\"Then，\"saidthedoomedone，\"IshouldjustliketoremarkthatyouarethemostunspeakableoldimbecileinsevenStatesandtheDistrictofColumbia。\"
ANeedfulWarTHEpeopleofMadagoniahadanantipathytothepeopleofNovakatkaandsetuponsomesailorsofaNovakatkanvessel，killingtwoandwoundingtwelve。TheKingofMadagoniahavingrefusedeithertoapologiseorpay，theKingofNovakatkamadewaruponhim，sayingthatitwasnecessarytoshowthatNovakatkansmustnotbeslaughtered。InthebattleswhichensuedthepeopleofMadagoniaslaughteredtwothousandNovakatkansandwoundedtwelvethousand。
ButtheMadagonianswereunsuccessful，whichsochagrinedthemthatneverthereafterinalltheirlandwasaNovakatkansecureinpropertyorlife。
TheMineOwnerandtheJackassWHILEtheOwnerofaSilverMinewasonhiswaytoattendaconventionofhisspecieshewasaccostedbyaJackass，whosaid：
\"ByanunjustdiscriminationagainstquadrupedsIammadeineligibletoaseatinyourconvention；soIamcompelledtoseekrepresentationthroughyou。\"
\"Itwillgivemegreatpleasure，sir，\"saidtheOwnerofaSilverMine，\"toserveonesocloselyalliedtomein—in—well，youknow，\"headded，withasignificantgestureofhistwohandsupwardfromthesidesofhishead。\"Whatdoyouwant？\"
\"Oh，nothing—nothingatallformyselfindividually，\"repliedtheDonkey；\"buthiscountry’swelfareshouldbeapatriot’ssupremecare。IfAmericansaretoretainthesacredlibertiesforwhichtheirfathersstrove，CongressmustdeclareourindependenceofEuropeandictationbymaintainingthepriceofmules。\"
TheDogandthePhysicianADOGthathadseenaPhysicianattendingtheburialofawealthypatient，said：\"Whendoyouexpecttodigitup？\"
\"WhyshouldIdigitup？\"thePhysicianasked。
\"WhenIburyabone，\"saidtheDog，\"itiswithanintentiontouncoveritlaterandpickit。\"
\"ThebonesthatIbury，\"saidthePhysician，\"arethosethatIcannolongerpick。\"
ThePartyManagerandtheGentlemanAPARTYManagersaidtoaGentlemanwhomhesawmindinghisownbusiness：
\"Howmuchwillyoupayforanominationtooffice？\"
\"Nothing，\"theGentlemanreplied。
\"Butyouwillcontributesomethingtothecampaignfundtoassistinyourelection，willyounot？\"askedthePartyManager，winking。
\"Oh，no，\"saidtheGentleman，gravely。\"Ifthepeoplewishmetoworkforthem，theymusthiremewithoutsolicitation。Iamverycomfortablewithoutoffice。\"
\"But，\"urgedthePartyManager，\"anelectionisathingtobedesired。Itisahighhonourtobeaservantofthepeople。\"
\"Ifservitudeisahighhonour，\"theGentlemansaid，\"itwouldbeindecentformetoseekit；andifobtainedbymyownexertionitwouldbenohonour。\"
\"Well，\"persistedthePartyManager，\"youwillatleast，Ihope，indorsethepartyplatform。\"
TheGentlemanreplied：\"Itisimprobablethatitsauthorshaveaccuratelyexpressedmyviewswithoutconsultingme；andifI
indorsedtheirworkwithoutapprovingitIshouldbealiar。\"
\"Youareadetestablehypocriteandanidiot!\"shoutedthePartyManager。
\"Evenyourgoodopinionofmyfitness，\"repliedtheGentleman，\"shallnotpersuademe。\"
TheLegislatorandtheCitizenANex—LegislatoraskedaMostRespectableCitizenforalettertotheGovernorrecommendinghimforappointmentasCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs。
\"Sir，\"saidtheMostRespectableCitizen，austerely，\"wereyounotonceintheStateSenate？\"
\"Notsobadasthat，sir，Iassureyou，\"wasthereply。\"IwasamemberoftheSlowerHouse。Iwasexpelledforsellingmyinfluenceformoney。\"
\"Andyoudaretoaskformine!\"shoutedtheMostRespectableCitizen。\"Youhavetheimpudence？Amanwhowillacceptbribeswillprobablyofferthem。Doyoumeanto—\"
\"Ishouldnotthinkofmakingacorruptproposaltoyou，sir；butifIwereCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs，Imighthavesomeinfluencewiththewater—frontpopulation，andbeabletohelpyoumakeyourfightforCoroner。\"
\"InthatcaseIdonotfeeljustifiedindenyingyoutheletter。\"
Sohetookhispen，and，somedemonguidinghishand，hewrote，greatlytohisastonishment：
\"Whosellshisinfluenceshouldstopit，Anhonestmanwillonlyswapit。\"
TheRainmakerANOfficeroftheGovernment，withagreatoutfitofmule—waggonsloadedwithballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus，haltedinthemidstofadesert，wheretherehadbeennorainfortenyears，andsetupacamp。Afterseveralmonthsofpreparationandanexpenditureofamilliondollarsallwasinreadiness，andaseriesoftremendousexplosionsoccurredontheearthandinthesky。Thiswasfollowedbyagreatdown—pourofrain，whichwashedtheunfortunateOfficeroftheGovernmentandtheoutfitoffthefaceofcreationandaffectedtheagriculturalheartwithjoytoodeepforutterance。ANewspaperReporterwhohadjustarrivedescapedbyclimbingahillnearby，andtherehefoundtheSoleSurvivoroftheexpedition—amule—driver—downonhiskneesbehindamesquitebush，prayingwithextremefervour。
\"Oh，youcan’tstopitthatway，\"saidtheReporter。
\"Myfellow—travellertothebarofGod，\"repliedtheSoleSurvivor，lookingupoverhisshoulder，\"yourunderstandingisindarkness。
Iamnotstoppingthisgreatblessing；underProvidence，Iambringingit。\"
\"Thatisaprettygoodjoke，\"saidtheReporter，laughingaswellashecouldinthestranglingrain—\"amuledriver’sprayeranswered!\"
\"Childoflevityandscoffing，\"repliedtheother；\"youerragain，misledbythesehumblehabiliments。IamtheRev。EzekielThrifft，aministerofthegospel，nowintheserviceofthegreatmanufacturingfirmofSkinn&Sheer。Theymakeballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus。\"
TheCitizenandtheSnakesAPUBLIC—SPIRITEDCitizenwhohadfailedmiserablyintryingtosecureaNationalpoliticalconventionforhiscitysufferedacutelyfromdejection。Whileinthatframeofmindheleanedthoughtlesslyagainstadruggist’sshow—window，whereinwereonehundredandfiftykindsofassortedsnakes。Theglassbreaking，thereptilesallescapedintothestreet。
\"Whenyoucan’tdowhatyouwish，\"saidthePublic—spiritedCitizen，\"itisworthwhiletodowhatyoucan。\"
FortuneandtheFabulistAWRITERofFableswaspassingthroughalonelyforestwhenhemetaFortune。Greatlyalarmed，hetriedtoclimbatree，buttheFortunepulledhimdownandbestoweditselfuponhimwithcruelpersistence。
\"Whydidyoutrytorunaway？\"saidtheFortune，whenhisstruggleshadceasedandhisscreamswerestilled。\"Whydoyouglareatmesoinhospitably？\"
\"Idon’tknowwhatyouare，\"repliedtheWriterofFables，deeplydisturbed。
\"Iamwealth；Iamrespectability，\"theFortuneexplained；\"Iameleganthouses，ayacht，andacleanshirteveryday。Iamleisure，Iamtravel，wine，ashinyhat，andanunshinycoat。Iamenoughtoeat。\"
\"Allright，\"saidtheWriterofFables，inawhisper；\"butforgoodness’sakespeaklower。\"
\"Whyso？\"theFortuneasked，insurprise。
\"Soasnottowakeme，\"repliedtheWriterofFables，aholycalmbroodinguponhisbeautifulface。
ASmilingIdolANIdolsaidtoaMissionary，\"Myfriend，whydoyouseektobringmeintocontempt？Ifithadnotbeenforme，whatwouldyouhavebeen？Rememberthycreatorthatthydaysbelongintheland。\"
\"Iconfess，\"repliedtheMissionary，fingeringanumberoften—centpieceswhichaSunday—schoolinhisowncountryhadforwardedtohim，\"thatIamaproductofyou，butIprotestthatyoucannotquoteScripturewithaccuracyandpoint。ThereforewillIcontinuetogoupagainstyouwiththeSwordoftheSpirit。\"
ShortlyafterwardstheIdol’sworshippersheldagreatreligiousceremonyatthebaseofhispedestal，andasapartoftheritestheMissionarywasroastedwhole。Asthetonguewasremovedforthehighpriest’stable，\"Ah，\"saidtheIdoltohimself，\"thatistheSwordoftheSpirit—theonlySwordthatislessdangerouswhenunsheathed。\"
AndhesmiledsopleasantlyathisownwitthattheprovincesofGhargaroo，M’gwana，andScowowwereaffectedwithablight。
PhilosophersThreeABEAR，aFox，andanOpossumwereattackedbyaninundation。
\"Deathlovesacoward，\"saidtheBear，andwentforwardtofighttheflood。
\"Whatafool!\"saidtheFox。\"Iknowatrickworthtwoofthat。\"
Andheslippedintoahollowstump。
\"Therearemalevolentforces，\"saidtheOpossum，\"whichthewisewillneitherconfrontnoravoid。Thethingistoknowthenatureofyourantagonist。\"
SosayingtheOpossumlaydownandpretendedtobedead。
TheBonelessKingSOMEApeswhohaddeposedtheirkingfellatonceintodissensionandanarchy。InthisstraittheysentaDeputationtoaneighbouringtribetoconsulttheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld。
\"Mychildren，\"saidtheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld，whenhehadheardtheDeputation，\"youdidrightinriddingyourselvesoftyranny，butyourtribeisnotsufficientlyadvancedtodispensewiththeformsofmonarchy。Enticethetyrantbackwithfairpromises，killhimandenthrone。Theskeletonofeventhemostlawlessdespotmakesagoodconstitutionalsovereign。\"
AtthistheDeputationwasgreatlyabashed。\"Itisimpossible，\"
theysaid，movingaway；\"ourkinghasnoskeleton；hewasstuffed。\"
UncalculatingZealAMAN—EATINGtigerwasravagingtheKingdomofDamnasia，andtheKing，greatlyconcernedforthelivesandlimbsofhisRoyalsubjects，promisedhisdaughterZodroulratoanymanwhowouldkilltheanimal。AftersomedaysCamaraladdinappearedbeforetheKingandclaimedthereward。
\"Butwhereisthetiger？\"theKingasked。
\"Mayjackassessingabovemyuncle’sgrave，\"repliedCamaraladdin，\"ifIdaredgowithinaleagueofhim!\"
\"Wretch!\"criedtheKing，unsheathinghisconsoler—under—
disappointment；\"howdareyouclaimmydaughterwhenyouhavedonenothingtoearnher？\"
\"Thouartwiser，OKing，thanSolymantheGreat，andthyservantisasdustinthetombofthydog，yetthouerrest。Ididnot，itistrue，killthetiger，butbehold!Ihavebroughttheethescalpofthemanwhohadaccumulatedfivemillionpiecesofgoldandwasaftermore。\"
TheKingdrewhisconsoler—under—disappointment，and，flickingoffCamaraladdin’shead，said：
\"Learn，caitiff，theexpediencyofuncalculatingzeal。Ifthemillionairehadbeenletalonehewouldhavedevouredthetiger。\"
ATranspositionTRAVELLINGthroughthesage—brushcountryaJackassmetarabbit，whoexclaimedingreatastonishment：
\"Goodheavens!howdidyougrowsobig？Youaredoubtlessthelargestrabbitliving。\"
\"No，\"saidtheJackass，\"youarethesmallestdonkey。\"
AfteragooddealoffruitlessargumentthequestionwasreferredfordecisiontoapassingCoyote，whowasabitofademagogueanddesiroustostandwellwithboth。
\"Gentlemen，\"saidhe，\"youarebothright，aswastohavebeenexpectedbypersonssogiftedwithappliancesforreceivinginstructionfromthewise。You，sir，\"—turningtothesuperioranimal—\"are，ashehasaccuratelyobserved，arabbit。Andyou\"—
totheother—\"arecorrectlydescribedasajackass。Intransposingyournamesmanhasactedwithincrediblefolly。\"
TheyweresopleasedwiththedecisionthattheydeclaredtheCoyotetheircandidatefortheGrizzlyBearship；butwhetherheeverobtainedtheofficehistorydoesnotrelate。
TheHonestCitizenAPOLITICALPreferment，labelledwithitsprice，wascanvassingtheStatetofindapurchaser。OnedayitoffereditselftoaTrulyGoodMan，who，afterexaminingthelabelandfindingthepricewasexactlytwiceasgreatashewaswillingtopay，spurnedthePoliticalPrefermentfromhisdoor。ThenthePeoplesaid：\"Behold，thisisanhonestcitizen!\"AndtheTrulyGoodManhumblyconfessedthatitwasso。
ACreakingTailANAmericanStatesmanwhohadtwistedthetailoftheBritishLionuntilhisarmsachedwasatlastrewardedbyasharp，raspingsound。
\"Iknewyourfortitudewouldgiveoutafterawhile，\"saidtheAmericanStatesman，delighted；\"youragonyattestsmypoliticalpower。\"
\"AgonyIknownot!\"saidtheBritishLion，yawning；\"theswivelinmytailneedsafewdropsofoil，thatisall。\"
WastedSweetsACANDIDATEcanvassinghisdistrictmetaNursewheelingaBabyinacarriage，and，stooping，imprintedakissupontheBaby’sclammymuzzle。Rising，hesawaMan，wholaughed。
\"Whydoyoulaugh？\"askedtheCandidate。
\"Because，\"repliedtheMan，\"theBabybelongstotheOrphanAsylum。\"
\"ButtheNurse，\"saidtheCandidate—\"theNursewillsurelyrelatethetouchingincidentwherevershegoes，andperhapswritetoherformermaster。\"
\"TheNurse，\"saidtheManwhohadlaughed，\"isaninmateoftheInstitutionfortheIlliterate—Deaf—and—Dumb。\"
SixandOneTHECommitteeonGerrymanderworkedlate，drawingintricatelinesonamapoftheState，andbeingwearysoughtreposeinagameofpoker。AtthecloseofthegamethesixRepublicanmemberswerebankruptandthesingleDemocrathadallthemoney。Onthenextday，whentheCommitteewascalledtoorderforbusiness，oneofthelucklesssixmountedhislegs，andsaid：
\"Mr。Chairman，beforewebendtoournobletaskofpurifyingpolitics，intheinterestofgoodgovernmentIwishtosayawordoftheuntowardeventsoflastevening。IfmymemoryservesmethedisasterswhichovertooktheMajorityofthishonourablebodyalwaysbefellwhenitwastheMinority’sdeal。Itismysolemnconviction，Mr。Chairman，andtoitsaffirmationIpledgemylife，myfortune，andmysacredhonour，thatthatwickedandunscrupulousMinorityredistrictedthecards!\"
TheSportsmanandtheSquirrelASPORTSMANwhohadwoundedaSquirrel，whichwasmakingdesperateeffortstodragitselfaway，ranafteritwithastick，exclaiming：
\"Poorthing!Iwillputitoutofitsmisery。\"
AtthatmomenttheSquirrelsstoppedfromexhaustion，andlookingupatitsenemy，said：
\"Idon’tventuretodoubtthesincerityofyourcompassion，thoughitcomesratherlate，butyouseemtolackthefacultyofobservation。Doyounotperceivebymyactionsthatthedearestwishofmyheartistocontinueinmymisery？\"
Atthisexposureofhishypocrisy，theSportsmanwassoovercomewithshameandremorsethathewouldnotstriketheSquirrel，butpointingitouttohisdog，walkedthoughtfullyaway。
TheFogyandtheSheikAFOGYwholivedinacavenearagreatcaravanroutereturnedtohishomeonedayandsaw，nearby，agreatconcourseofmenandanimals，andintheirmidstatower，atthefootofwhichsomethingwithwheelssmokedandpantedlikeanexhaustedhorse。HesoughttheSheikoftheOutfit。
\"Whatsinartthoucommittingnow，OsonofaChristiandog？\"saidtheFogy，withatrulyOrientalpoliteness。
\"Boringforwater，youblack—and—tangaloot!\"repliedtheSheikoftheOutfit，withthatreadyreparteewhichdistinguishestheUnbeliever。
\"Knowestthounot，thouwhelpofdarknessandfatherofdisorderedlivers，\"criedtheFogy，\"thatwaterwillcausegrasstospringuphere，andtrees，andpossiblyevenflowers？Knowestthounot，thatthouart，intruth，producinganoasis？\"
\"Anddon’tyouknow，\"saidtheSheikoftheOutfit，\"thatcaravanswillthenstophereforrestandrefreshments，givingyouachancetostealthecamels，thehorses，andthegoods？\"
\"Maythewildhogdefilemygrave，butthouspeakestwisdom!\"theFogyreplied，withthedignityofhisrace，extendinghishand。
\"Sheik。\"
Theyshook。
AtHeaven’sGateHAVINGarisenfromthetomb，aWomanpresentedherselfatthegateofHeaven，andknockedwithatremblinghand。
\"Madam，\"saidSaintPeter，risingandapproachingthewicket，\"whencedoyoucome？\"
\"FromSanFrancisco，\"repliedtheWoman，withembarrassment，asgreatbeadsofperspirationspangledherspiritualbrow。
\"Nevermind，mygoodgirl，\"theSaintsaid，compassionately。
\"Eternityisalongtime；youcanlivethatdown。\"
\"Butthat，ifyouplease，isnotall。\"TheWomanwasgrowingmoreandmoreconfused。\"Ipoisonedmyhusband。Ichoppedupmybabies。I—\"
\"Ah，\"saidtheSaint，withsuddenausterity，\"yourconfessionsuggestsaverygravepossibility。WereyouamemberoftheWomen’sPressAssociation？\"
Theladydrewherselfupandrepliedwithwarmth：
\"Iwasnot。\"
Thegatesofpearlandjasperswungbackupontheirgoldenhinges，makingthemostravishingmusic，andtheSaint，steppingaside，bowedlow，saying：
\"Enter，then，intothineeternalrest。\"
ButtheWomanhesitated。
\"Thepoisoning—thechopping—the—the—\"shestammered。
\"Ofnoconsequence，Iassureyou。WearenotgoingtobehardonaladywhodidnotbelongtotheWomen’sPressAssociation。Takeaharp。\"
\"ButIappliedformembership—Iwasblackballed。\"
\"Taketwoharps。\"
TheCattedAnarchistANAnarchistOratorwhohadbeenstruckinthefacewithaDeadCatbysomeRespectorofLawtohimunknown，hadtheDeadCatarrestedandtakenbeforeaMagistrate。
\"Whydoyouappealtothelaw？\"saidtheMagistrate—\"Youwhogoinfortheabolitionoflaw。\"
\"That，\"repliedtheAnarchist，whowasnotwithoutacertainhardnessofhead，\"thatisnoneofyourbusiness；Iamnotboundtobeconsistent。YousitheretodojusticebetweenmeandthisDeadCat。\"
\"Verywell，\"saidtheMagistrate，puttingontheblackcapandasolemnlook；\"astheaccusedmakesnodefence，andisundoubtedlyguilty，Isentencehertobeeatenbythepublicexecutioner；andasthatpositionhappenstobevacant，Iappointyoutoit，withoutbonds。\"
OneofthemostdelightedspectatorsattheexecutionwastheanonymousRespectorofLawwhohadflungthecondemned。
TheHonourableMemberAMEMBERofaLegislature，whohadpledgedhimselftohisConstituentsnottosteal，broughthomeattheendofthesessionalargepartofthedomeoftheCapitol。ThereupontheConstituentsheldanindignationmeetingandpassedaresolutionoftarandfeathers。
\"Youaremostunjust，\"saidtheMemberoftheLegislature。\"ItistrueIpromisedyouIwouldnotsteal；buthadIeverpromisedyouthatIwouldnotlie？\"
TheConstituentssaidhewasanhonourablemanandelectedhimtotheUnitedStatesCongress，unpledgedandunfledged。
TheExpatriatedBossABOSSwhohadgonetoCanadawastauntedbyaCitizenofMontrealwithhavingfledtoavoidprosecution。
\"Youdomeagraveinjustice，\"saidtheBoss，partingwithapairoftears。\"IcametoCanadasolelybecauseofitspoliticalattractions；itsGovernmentisthemostcorruptintheworld。\"
\"Prayforgiveme，\"saidtheCitizenofMontreal。
Theyfelluponeachother’sneck，andattheconclusionofthattouchingritetheBosshadtwowatches。
AnInadequateFeeANOx，unabletoextricatehimselffromthemireintowhichhesank，wasadvisedtomakeuseofaPoliticalPull。WhenthePoliticalPullhadarrived，theOxsaid：\"Mygoodfriend，pleasemakefasttome，andletnaturetakehercourse。\"
SothePoliticalPullmadefasttotheOx’sheadandnaturetookhercourse。TheOxwasdrawn，first，fromthemire，and，next，fromhisskin。ThenthePoliticalPulllookedbackuponthegoodfatcarcaseofbeefthathewasdraggingtohislairandsaid，withadiscontentedspirit：
\"Thatishardlymycustomaryfee；I’lltakehomethisfirstinstalment，thenreturnandbringanactionforsalvageagainsttheskin。\"
TheJudgeandthePlaintiffAMANofExperienceinBusinesswasawaitingthejudgmentoftheCourtinanactionfordamageswhichhehadbroughtagainstarailwaycompany。ThedooropenedandtheJudgeoftheCourtentered。
\"Well，\"saidhe，\"Iamgoingtodecideyourcaseto—day。IfI
shoulddecideinyourfavour，Iwonderhowyouwouldexpressyoursatisfaction？\"
\"Sir，\"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，\"Ishouldriskyourangerbyofferingyouonehalfthesumawarded。\"
\"DidIsayIwasgoingtodecidethatcase？\"saidtheJudge，abruptly，asifawakeningfromadream。\"Dearme，howabsent—
mindedIam。ImeanIhavealreadydecidedit，andjudgmenthasbeenenteredforthefullamountthatyousuedfor。\"
\"DidIsayIwouldgiveyouonehalf？\"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，coldly。\"Dearme，hownearIcametobeingarascal。
Imean，thatIamgreatlyobligedtoyou。\"
TheReturnoftheRepresentativeHEARINGthattheLegislaturehadadjourned，thepeopleofanAssemblyDistrictheldamass—meetingtodeviseasuitablepunishmentfortheirrepresentative。Byonespeakeritwasproposedthathebedisembowelled，byanotherthathebemadetorunthegauntlet。Somefavouredhanging，somethoughtthatitwoulddohimgoodtoappearinasuitoftarandfeathers。Anoldman，famousforhiswisdomandhishabitofdroolingonhisshirt—
front，suggestedthattheyfirstcatchtheirhare。SotheChairmanappointedacommitteetowatchforthevictimatmidnight，andtakehimasheshouldattempttosneakintotownacross—lotsfromthetamarackswamp。Atthispointintheproceedingstheywereinterruptedbythesoundofabrassband。Theirdishonouredrepresentativewasdrivingupfromtherailwaystationinacoach—
and—four，withmusicandabanner。Afewmomentslaterheenteredthehall，wentupontheplatform，andsaiditwastheproudestmomentofhislife。（Cheers。）
AStatesmanASTATESMANwhoattendedameetingofaChamberofCommercerosetospeak，butwasobjectedtoonthegroundthathehadnothingtodowithcommerce。
\"Mr。Chairman，\"saidanAgedMember，rising，\"Iconceivethattheobjectionisnotwelltaken；thegentleman’sconnectionwithcommerceiscloseandintimate。HeisaCommodity。\"
TwoDogsTHEDog，ascreated，hadarigidtail，butaftersomecenturiesofacheerlessexistence，unappreciatedbyMan，whomadehimworkforhisliving，heimploredtheCreatortoendowhimwithawag。Thisbeingdonehewasabletodissemblehisresentmentwithasignofaffection，andtheearthwashisandthefulnessthereof。
Observingthis，thePolitician（ananimalcreatedlater）petitionedthatawagmightbegivenhimtoo。Ashewasincaudateitwasconferreduponhischin，whichhenowwagswithgreatprofitandgratificationexceptwhenheisathismeals。
ThreeRecruitsAFARMER，anArtisan，andaLabourerwenttotheKingoftheircountryandcomplainedthattheywerecompelledtosupportalargestandingarmyofmereconsumers，whodidnothingfortheirkeep。
\"Verywell，\"saidtheKing，\"mysubjects’wishesarethehighestlaw。\"
Sohedisbandedhisarmyandtheconsumersbecameproducersalso。
Thesaleoftheirproductssobroughtdownpricesthatfarmingwasruined，andtheirskilledandunskilledlabourdrovetheartisansandlabourersintothealmshousesandhighways。InafewyearsthenationaldistresswassogreatthattheFarmer，theArtisan，andtheLabourerpetitionedtheKingtoreorganizethestandingarmy。
\"What!\"saidtheKing；\"youwishtosupportthoseidleconsumersagain？\"
\"No，yourMajesty，\"theyreplied—\"wewishtoenlist。\"
TheMirrorASILKEN—EAREDSpaniel，whotracedhisdescentfromKingCharlestheSecondofEngland，chancedtolookintoamirrorwhichwasleaningagainstthewainscotingofaroomonthegroundfloorofhismistress’shouse。Seeinghisreflection，hesupposedittobeanotherdog，outside，andsaid：
\"Icanchewupanysuchmilksoppypupasthat，andIwill。\"
Soheranout—of—doorsandaroundtothesideofthehousewherehefanciedtheenemywas。ItsohappenedthatatthatmomentaBulldogsattheresunninghisteeth。TheSpanielstoppedshortindireconsternation，and，afterregardingtheBulldogamomentfromasafedistance，said：
\"Idon’tknowwhetheryoucultivatetheartsofpeaceoryourflagisflungtothebattleandthebreezeandyourvoiceisforwar。
Ifyouareacivilian，thewindowsofthishouseflatteryouworsethananewspaper，butifyou’reasoldier，theydoyouagraveinjustice。\"
ThisspeechbeingunintelligibletotheBulldogheonlycivillysmiled，whichsoterrifiedtheSpanielthathedroppeddeadinhistracks。
SaintandSinner\"MYfriend，\"saidadistinguishedofficeroftheSalvationArmy，toaMostWickedSinner，\"Iwasonceadrunkard，athief，anassassin。
TheDivineGracehasmademewhatIam。\"
TheMostWickedSinnerlookedathimfromheadtofoot。
\"Henceforth，\"hesaid，\"theDivineGrace，Ifancy，willletwellenoughalone。\"
AnAntidoteAYOUNGOstrichcametoitsMother，groaningwithpainandwithitswingstightlycrosseduponitsstomach。
\"Whathaveyoubeeneating？\"theMotherasked，withsolicitude。
\"NothingbutakegofNails，\"wasthereply。
\"What!\"exclaimedtheMother；\"awholekegofNails，atyourage!
Why，youwillkillyourselfthatway。Goquickly，mychild，andswallowaclaw—hammer。\"
AWearyEchoACONVENTIONoffemalewriters，whichfortwodayshadbeenstuffingWoman’scouchwithgoose—quillsandhailingthedownofanewera，adjournedwithunabatedenthusiasm，shouting，\"Placeauxdames!\"AndEchowearilyreplied，\"Oh，damn。\"
TheIngeniousBlackmailerANInventorwenttoaKingandwasgrantedanaudience，whenthefollowingconversationensued：
INVENTOR。—\"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihaveinventedariflethatdischargeslightning。\"
KING。—\"Ah，youwishtosellmethesecret。\"
INVENTOR。—\"Yes；itwillenableyourarmytooverrunanynationthatisaccessible。\"
KING。—\"Inordertogetanygoodofmyoutlayforyourinvention，Imustmakeawar，anddosoassoonasIcanarmmytroops—
beforeyoursecretisdiscoveredbyforeignnations。Howmuchdoyouwant？\"
INVENTOR。—\"Onemilliondollars。\"
KING。—\"Andhowmuchwillitcosttomakethechangeofarms？\"
INVENTOR。—\"Fiftymillions。\"
KING。—\"AndthewarwillCost—？\"
INVENTOR。—\"Butconsiderthegloryandthespoils!\"
KING。—\"Exactly。ButifIamnotseekingtheseadvantages？WhatifIdeclinetopurchase？\"
INVENTOR。—\"Thereisnoeconomyinthat。Thoughapatriot，Iampoor；ifmyowncountrywillnotpatroniseme，Imustseekamarketelsewhere。\"
KING（toPrimeMinister）。—\"Takethisblackmailerandcutoffhishead。\"
ATalismanHAVINGbeensummonedtoserveasajuror，aProminentCitizensentaphysician’scertificatestatingthathewasafflictedwithsofteningofthebrain。
\"Thegentlemanisexcused，\"saidtheJudge，handingbackthecertificatetothepersonwhohadbroughtit，\"hehasabrain。\"
TheAncientOrderHARDLYhadthatancientorder，theSultansofExceedingSplendour，beencompletelyfoundedbytheGrandFlashingInaccessible，whenaquestionaroseastowhatshouldbethetitleofaddressamongthemembers。Somewantedittobesimply\"myLord，\"othersheldoutfor\"yourDukeness，\"andstillotherspreferred\"mySovereignLiege。\"Finallythegorgeousjeweloftheorder，gleaminguponthebreastofeverymember，suggested\"yourBadgesty，\"whichwasadopted，andtheorderbecamepopularlyknownastheKingsofCatarrh。
AFatalDisorderADYINGManwhohadbeenshotwasrequestedbyofficersofthelawtomakeastatement，andbequickaboutit。
\"Youwereassaultedwithoutprovocation，ofcourse，\"saidtheDistrictAttorney，preparingtosetdowntheanswer。
\"No，\"repliedtheDyingMan，\"Iwastheaggressor。\"
\"Yes，Iunderstand，\"saidtheDistrictAttorney；\"youcommittedtheaggression—youwerecompelledto，asitwere。Youdiditinself—defence。\"
\"Idon’tthinkhewouldhavehurtmeifIhadlethimalone，\"saidtheother。\"No，Ifancyhewasamanofpeace，andwouldnothavehurtafly。Ibroughtsuchapressuretobearonhimthathenaturallyhadtoyield—hecouldn’tholdout。IfhehadrefusedtoshootmeIdon’tseehowIcoulddecentlyhavecontinuedhisacquaintance。\"
\"GoodHeavens!\"exclaimedtheDistrictAttorney，throwingdownhisnote—bookandpencil；\"thisisallquiteirregular。Ican’tmakeuseofsuchanante—mortemstatementasthat。\"
\"Ineverbeforeknewamantotellthetruth，\"saidtheChiefofPolice，\"whendyingofviolence。\"
\"Violencenothing!\"thePoliceSurgeonsaid，pullingoutandinspectingtheman’stongue—\"itisthetruththatiskillinghim。\"
TheMassacreSOMEHolyMissionariesinChinahavingbeendeprivedoflifebytheBigotedHeathens，theChristianPressmadeanoteofit，andwasgreatlypainedtopointoutthecontrastbetweentheBigotedHeathensandthelaw—abidingcountrymenoftheHolyMissionarieswhohadwickedlybeensenttoeternalbliss。
\"Yes，\"assentedaMiserableSinner，ashefinishedreadingthearticles，\"theHeathensofYingShingaredeceitfulaboveallthingsanddesperatelywicked。Bytheway，\"headded，turningoverthepapertoreadtheentertainingandinstructiveFables，\"IknowtheHeatheneselingo。YingShingmeansRockCreek；itisintheProvinceofWyoMing。\"
AShipandaManSEEINGashipsailingbyupontheseaofpolitics，anAmbitiousPersonstartedinhotpursuitalongthestrand；butthepeople’seyesbeingfixeduponthePresidencynooneobservedthepursuer。