Contents:
MisterWilliamTheBumboatWoman’sStoryTheTwoOgresLittleOliverPashaBaileyBenLieutenant—ColonelFlareLostMr。BlakeTheBaby’sVengeanceTheCaptainAndTheMermaidsAnnieProtheroe。ALegendofStratford—Le—BowAnUnfortunateLikenessGregoryParable,LL。D。
TheKingOfCanoodle—DumFirstLoveBraveAlumBeySirBarnabyBamptonBooTheModestCoupleTheMartinetTheSailorBoyToHisLassTheReverendSimonMagusDamonv。PythiasMyDreamTheBishopOfRum—Ti—FooAgainAWormWillTurnTheHaughtyActorTheTwoMajorsEmily,John,James,AndI。ADerbyLegendThePerilsOfInvisibilityOldPaulAndOldTimTheMysticSelvageeTheCunningWomanPhrenologyTheFairyCurateTheWayOfWooingHongreeAndMahry。ARecollectionOfASurreyMelodramaEtiquetteBallad:MisterWilliamOh,listentothetaleofMISTERWILLIAM,ifyouplease,Whomnaughty,naughtyjudgessentawaybeyondtheseas。
Heforgedaparty’swill,whichcausedanxietyandstrife,Resultinginhisgettingpenalservitudeforlife。
Hewasakindlygoodlyman,andnaturallyprone,Insteadoftakingothers’gold,togiveawayhisown。
ButhehadheardofVice,andlongedforonlyoncetostrike—
ToplanONElittlewickedness—toseewhatitwaslike。
Hearguedwithhimself,andsaid,\"AspotlessmanamI;
Ican’tbemorerespectable,howeverhardItry!
ForsixandthirtyyearsI’vealwaysbeenasgoodasgold,AndnowforhalfanhourI’llplaninfamyuntold!
\"Ababywhoiswickedattheearlyageofone,Andthenreforms—anddiesatthirty—sixaspotlessson,Isnever,neversaddledwithhisbabyhood’sdefect,Butearnsfromworthymenconsiderationandrespect。
\"SoonewhoneverrevelledindiscreditabletricksUntilhereachedthecomfortableageofthirty—six,Maythenforhalfanhourperpetrateadeedofshame,Withoutincurringpermanentdisgrace,orevenblame。
\"Thatbabiesdon’tcommitsuchcrimesasforgeryistrue,Butlittlesinsdevelop,ifyouleave’emtoaccrue;
Andhewhoshunsallvicesassuccessiveseasonsroll,Shouldreapatlengththebenefitofsomuchself—control。
\"Thecommonsinofbabyhood—objectingtobedrest—
Ifyouleaveittoaccumulateatcompoundinterest,Foranythingyouknow,mayrepresent,ifyou’realive,Aburglaryormurderattheageofthirty—five。
\"Still,Iwouldn’ttakeadvantageofthisfact,butbecontentWithsomepardonablefolly—it’samereexperiment。
Thegreaterthetemptationtogowrong,thelessthesin;
Sowithsomethingthat’sparticularlytemptingI’llbegin。
\"Iwouldnotstealapenny,formyincome’sveryfair—
Idonotwantapenny—Ihavepenniesandtospare—
AndifIstoleapennyfromamoney—bagortill,Thesinwouldbeenormous—thetemptationbeingNIL。
\"ButifIbrokeasunderallsuchpettifoggingbounds,Andforgedaparty’sWillfor(say)FiveHundredThousandPounds,Withsuchanirresistibletemptationtoahaul,Ofcoursethesinmustbeinfinitesimallysmall。
\"There’sWILSONwhoisdying—hehaswealthfromStockandrent—
IfIdiverthisrichesfromtheirnaturaldescent,I’mplacedinapositiontoindulgeeachlittlewhim。\"
Sohedivertedthem—andthey,inturn,divertedhim。
Unfortunately,though,bysomeunpardonableflaw,Temptationisn’trecognizedbyBritain’sCommonLaw;
Menfoundhimoutbysomepeculiarityoftouch,AndWILLIAMgota\"lifer,\"whichannoyedhimverymuch。
For,ah!heneverreconciledhimselftolifeingaol,Hefrettedandhepined,andgrewdispiritedandpale;
Hewasnumberedlikeacabman,too,whichtolduponhimsoThathisspirits,oncesobuoyant,grewuncomfortablylow。
Andsympatheticgaolerswouldremark,\"It’sverytrue,Heain’tbeenbroughtupcommon,likethelikesofmeandyou。\"
Sotheytookhimintohospital,andgavehimmuttonchops,Andchocolate,andarrowroot,andbuns,andmaltandhops。
KindClergymen,besides,grewinterestedinhisfate,Affectedbythedetailsofhispitiablestate。
TheywaitedontheSecretary,somewhereinWhitehall,Whosaidhewouldreceivethemanydaytheylikedtocall。
\"Consider,sir,thehardshipofthisinterestingcase:
Aprisonlifebringswithitsomethingverylikedisgrace;
It’stellingonyoungWILLIAM,who’sreducedtoskinandbone—
Rememberhe’sagentleman,withmoneyofhisown。
\"Hehadanampleincome,andofcoursehestandsinneedOfsherrywithhisdinner,andhiscustomaryweed;
Nodelicaciesnowcanpasshisgentlemanlylips—
Hemisseshissea—bathingandhiscontinentaltrips。
\"Hesaystheotherprisonersarecommonplaceandrude;
Hesayshecannotrelishuncongenialprisonfood。
WhenquiteaboytheytaughthimtodistinguishGoodfromBad,Andothereducationaladvantageshe’shad。
\"Aburglarorgarotter,or,indeed,acommonthiefIsverygladtobattenonpotatoesandonbeef,Oranything,inshort,thatprisonkitchenscanafford,—
Acutabovethedietinacommonworkhouseward。
\"Butbeefandmutton—brothdon’tseemtosuitourWILLIAM’S
whim,Aboontootherprisoners—apunishmenttohim。
ItneverwasintendedthatthedisciplineofgaolShoulddashaconvict’sspirits,sir,ormakehimthinorpale。\"
\"GoodGraciousMe!\"thatsympatheticSecretarycried,\"SupposeinprisonfettersMISTERWILLIAMshouldhavedied!
Dearme,ofcourse!ImprisonmentforLIFEhissentencesaith:
I’mverygladyoumentionedit—itmighthavebeenForDeath!
\"Releasehimwithaticket—he’llbebetterthen,nodoubt,AndtellhimIapologize。\"SoMISTERWILLIAM’Sout。
Ihopehewillbecarefulinhismanuscripts,I’msure,Andnotbeginexperimentalizinganymore。
Ballad:TheBumboatWoman’sStoryI’mold,mydears,andshrivelledwithage,andwork,andgrief,Myeyesaregone,andmyteethhavebeendrawnbyTime,theThief!
ForterriblesightsI’veseen,anddangersgreatI’verun—
I’mnearlyseventynow,andmyworkisalmostdone!
Ah!I’vebeenyounginmytime,andI’veplayedthedeucewithmen!
I’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen:
Mycheeksweremellowandsoft,andmyeyeswerelargeandsweet,POLLPINEAPPLE’SeyeswerethestandingtoastoftheRoyalFleet!
AbumboatwomanwasI,andIfaithfullyservedtheshipsWithapplesandcakes,andfowls,andbeer,andhalfpennydips,Andbeefforthegenerousmess,wheretheofficersdineatnights,Andfinefreshpeppermintdropsfortherollickingmidshipmites。
OfallthekindcommanderswhoanchoredinPortsmouthBay,ByfarthesweetestofallwaskindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。’
LIEUTENANTBELAYEcommandedthegunboatHOTCROSSBUN,Shewassevenandthirtyfeetinlength,andshecarriedagun。
Withalaudableviewofenhancinghiscountry’snavalpride,Whenpeopleinquiredhersize,LIEUTENANTBELAYEreplied,\"Oh,myship,myshipisthefirstoftheHundredandSeventy—
ones!\"
Whichmeanthertonnage,butpeopleimagineditmeantherguns。
WheneverIwentonboardhewouldbeckonmedownbelow,\"Comedown,LittleButtercup,come\"(forhelovedtocallmeso),Andhe’dtellofthefightsatseainwhichhe’dtakenapart,AndsoLIEUTENANTBELAYEwonpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Sheart!
Butatlengthhisorderscame,andhesaidoneday,saidhe,\"I’morderedtosailwiththeHOTCROSSBUNtotheGermanSea。\"
AndthePortsmouthmaidensweptwhentheylearnttheevilday,ForeveryPortsmouthmaidlovedgoodLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
AndIwenttoabackbackstreet,withplentyofcheapcheapshops,AndIboughtanoilskinhatandasecond—handsuitofslops,AndIwenttoLIEUTENANTBELAYE(andheneversuspectedME!)
AndIenteredmyselfasachapaswantedtogotosea。
Wesailedthatafternoonatthemystichourofone,—
RemarkablyniceyoungmenwerethecrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN,I’msorrytosaythatI’veheardthatsailorssometimesswear,ButIneveryetheardaBUNsayanythingwrong,Ideclare。
WhenJackTarsmeet,theymeetwitha\"Messmate,ho!Whatcheer?\"
Buthere,ontheHOTCROSSBUN,itwas\"Howdoyoudo,mydear?\"
WhenJackTarsgrowl,IbelievetheygrowlwithabigbigD—
ButthestrongestoathoftheHOTCROSSBUNSwasamild\"Dearme!\"
Yet,thoughtheywereallwell—bred,youcouldscarcelycallthemslick:
Wheneveraseawason,theywereallextremelysick;
Andwhenevertheweatherwascalm,andthewindwaslightandfair,Theyspentmoretimethanasailorshouldonhisbackbackhair。
Theycertainlyshiveredandshookwhenorderedalofttorun,AndtheyscreamedwhenLIEUTENANTBELAYEdischargedhisonlygun。
Andashewasproudofhisgun—suchprideishardlywrong—
TheLieutenantwasblazingawayatintervalsalldaylong。
Theyallagreedverywell,thoughattimesyouhearditsaidThatBILLhadawayofhisownofmakinghislipslookred—
ThatJOElookedquitehisage—orsomebodymightdeclareThatBARNACLE’Slongpig—tailwasneverhisownownhair。
BELAYEwouldadmitthathismenwereofnogreatusetohim,\"But,then,\"hewouldsay,\"thereislittletodoonagunboattrimIcanhand,andreef,andsteer,andfiremybigguntoo—
AnditISsuchatreattosailwithagentlewell—bredcrew。\"
Isawhimeveryday。Howthehappymomentssped!
Reeftopsails!Makealltaut!There’sdirtyweatherahead!
(IdonotmeanthattempeststhreatenedtheHOTCROSSBUN,InTHATcase,Idon’tknowwhateverweSHOULDhavedone!)
Afterafortnight’scruise,weputintoportoneday,AndoffonleaveforaweekwentkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE,Andafteralonglongweekhadpassed(anditseemedlikealife),LIEUTENANTBELAYEreturnedtohisshipwithafairyoungwife!
Heup,andhesays,sayshe,\"OcrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN,Hereisthewifeofmyheart,fortheChurchhasmadeusone!\"
Andasheutteredtheword,thecrewwentoutoftheirwits,Andallfelldowninsomanyseparatefainting—fits。
Andthentheirhaircamedown,oroff,asthecasemightbe,Andlo!therestofthecrewweresimplegirls,likeme,Whoallhadfledfromtheirhomesinasailor’sbluearray,TofollowtheshiftingfateofkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
********
It’sstrangetothinkthatIshouldeverhavelovedyoungmen,ButI’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen,Andnowmycheeksarefurrowedwithgriefandage,Itrow!
AndpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Seyeshavelosttheirlustrenow!
Ballad:TheTwoOgresGoodchildren,list,ifyou’reinclined,Andwickedchildrentoo—
ThisprettyballadisdesignedEspeciallyforyou。
TwoogresdweltinWickhamWold—
EachTRAITSdistinctivehad:
Theyoungerwasasgoodasgold,Theelderwasasbad。
Awicked,disobedientsonWasJAMESM’ALPINE,andAcontrasttotheelderone,GoodAPPLEBODYBLAND。
M’ALPINE—bruteslikehimarefew—
Ingreedinessdelights,AmelancholyvictimtoUnchastenedappetites。
Good,well—bredchildreneverydayHeravenouslyate,—
AllboyswerefishwhofoundtheirwayIntoM’ALPINE’Snet:
Boyswhosegoodbreedingisinnate,Whosesumsarealwaysright;
Andboyswhodon’texpostulateWhensenttobedatnight;
AndkindlyboyswhoneversearchThenestsofbirdsofsong;
Andseriousboysforwhom,inchurch,Nosermonistoolong。
ContrastwithJAMES’SgreedyhasteAndcomprehensivehand,ThenicediscriminatingtasteOfAPPLEBODYBLAND。
BLANDonlyeatsbadboys,whoswear—
WhoCANbehave,butDON’T—
Disgracefulladswhosay\"don’tcare,\"
And\"shan’t,\"and\"can’t,\"and\"won’t。\"
Whowettheirshoesandlearntobox,Andsaywhatisn’ttrue,Whobitetheirnailsandjamtheirfrocks,Andmakelongnosestoo;
Whokickanurse’sagedshin,Andsitinsulkymopes;
AndboyswhotwirlpoorkittensinDistractingzoetropes。
ButJAMES,whenhewasquiteayouth,Hadoftenbeentoschool,Andthoughsobad,totellthetruth,Hewasn’tquiteafool。
Atlogicfewwithhimcouldvie;
TohispeculiarsectHecouldproposeafallacyWithsingulareffect。
So,whenhisMentorssaid,\"Expound—
Whyeatgoodchildren—why?\"
UponhisMentorshewouldroundWiththisabsurdreply:
\"Ihavebeentaughttolovethegood—
Thepure—theunalloyed—
Andwickedboys,I’veunderstood,Ialwaysshouldavoid。
\"WhydoIeatgoodchildren—why?
BecauseIlovethemso!\"
(Butthiswasemptysophistry,AsyourPapacanshow。)
Now,thoughthelearningofhisfriendsWastrulynotimmense,TheyhadawayoffittingendsByruleofcommonsense。
\"Away,away!\"hisMentorscried,\"Thouuncongenialpest!
Aquirk’sathingwecan’tabide,Aquibblewedetest!
\"AfallacyinyourreplyOurintellectdescries,Althoughwedon’tpretendtospyExactlywhereitlies。
\"InmiseryandpenalwoesMustendaglutton’sjoys;
AndlearnhowogrespunishthoseWhodaretoeatgoodboys。
\"Securedbyfetter,cramp,andchain,Andgaggedsecurely—so—
YoushallbeplacedinDruryLane,Whereonlygoodladsgo。
\"Surroundedtherebyvirtuousboys,You’llsuffertorturewusThanthatwhichconstantlyannoysDisgracefulTANTALUS。
(\"IfyouwouldlearnthewoesthatvexPoorTANTALUS,downthere,PrayborrowofPapaanex—
PurgatedLEMPRIERE。)
\"ButasforBLANDwho,asitseems,Eatsonlynaughtyboys,We’veplannedarecompensethatteemsWithgastronomicjoys。
\"WherewickedyouthsincrowdsarestowedHeshallunquestionedrule,AndhavetherunofHackneyRoadReformatorySchool!\"
Ballad:LittleOliverEARLJOYCEhewasakindoldpartyWhomnothingevercouldputout,Thougheighty—two,hestillwashearty,Exceptingasregardedgout。
Hehadoneunexampleddaughter,TheLADYMINNIE—HAHAJOYCE,FairMINNIE—HAHA,\"LaughingWater,\"
Socalledfromhermelodiousvoice。
ByNatureplannedforlover—capture,Herbeautyeveryheartassailed;
ThegoodoldnoblemanwithraptureObservedhowwidelysheprevailedAlooffromallthelordlyflockingsOftitledswellswhoworshippedher,Therestood,inpumpsandcottonstockings,Onehumblelover—OLIVER。
HewasnopeerbyFortunepetted,Hisnamerecallednobygoneage;
Hewasnolordlingcoronetted—
Alas!hewasasimplepage!
Withvainappealsheneverboredher,Butstoodinsilentsorrowby—
Heknewhowfondlyheadoredher,Andknew,alas!howhopelessly!
WellgroundedbyavillagetutorInlanguagesaliveandpast,He’dsayuntohimself,\"Knee—suitor,Oh,donotgobeyondyourlast!\"
Butthoughhisnamecouldboastnohandle,Hecouldnoteveryhoperesign;
Asmothswillhoverroundacandle,Sohoveredheabouthershrine。
Thebrilliantcandledazedthemothwell:
OnedayshesangtoherPapaTheairthatMARIEsingswithBOTHWELL
InNEIDERMEYER’Sopera。
(Thereinastableboy,it’sstated,Devoutlylovedanobledame,WhoardentlyreciprocatedHisratherinjudiciousflame。)
Andthen,beforethepianoclosing(Helistenedcoylyatthedoor),Shesangasongofhercomposing—
Igiveoneversefromhalfascore:
BALLAD
Why,prettypage,arteversighing?
Issorrowinthyheartletlying?
Come,seta—ringingThylaughentrancing,AndeversingingAndeverdancing。
Eversinging,Tra!la!la!
Everdancing,Tra!la!la!
Eversinging,everdancing,Eversinging,Tra!la!la!
Heskippedforjoylikelittlemuttons,HedancedlikeEsmeralda’skid。
(Shedidnotmeanaboyinbuttons,Althoughhefanciedthatshedid。)
Poorlad!convincedhethuswouldwinher,Heworeoutmanypairsofsoles;
Hedancedwhentakingdownthedinner—
Hedancedwhenbringingupthecoals。
Hedancedandsang(howeverladen)
Withhisincessant\"Tra!la!la!\"
Whichmuchsurprisedthenoblemaiden,AndpuzzledevenherPapa。
Henourishednowhisflameandfannedit,Heevendancedatworkbelow。
Theupperservantswouldn’tstandit,AndBOWLESthebutlertoldhimso。
Atlengthonimpulseactingblindly,Hislovehelaidcompletelybare;
ThegentleEarlreceivedhimkindlyAndtoldtheladtotakeachair。
\"Oh,sir,\"thesuitorutteredsadly,\"Don’tgiveyourindignationvent;
IfearyouthinkI’mactingmadly,Perhapsyouthinkmeinsolent?\"
ThekindlyEarlrepelledthenotion;
Hisnoblebosomheavedasigh,Hisfingerstrembledwithemotion,Atearstoodinhismildblueeye:
For,oh!thescenerecalledtooplainlyThehalf—forgottentimewhenhe,Aboyofnine,hadworshippedvainlyAgovernessofforty—three!
\"Myboy,\"hesaid,intoneconsoling,\"Giveupthisidlefancy—do—
ThesongyouheardmydaughtertrollingDidnot,indeed,refertoyou。
\"Ifeelforyou,poorboy,acutely;
Iwouldnotwishtogiveyoupain;
YourpangsIestimateminutely,—
I,too,haveloved,andlovedinvain。
\"ButstillyourhumblerankandstationForMINNIEsurelyarenotmeet\"—
HesaidmuchmoreinconversationWhichitwereneedlesstorepeat。
NowI’mpreparedtobetaguinea,Werethisameredramaticcase,ThepagewouldhaveelopedwithMINNIE,But,no—heonlylefthisplace。
ThesimpleTruthismydetective,WithmeSensationcan’tabide;
TheLikelybeatsthemereEffective,AndNatureismyonlyguide。
Ballad:PashaBaileyBenAproudPashawasBAILEYBEN,Hiswiveswerethree,histailswereten;
Hisformwasdignified,butstout,Mencalledhim\"LittleRoundabout。\"
HISIMPORTANCE
PalePilgrimscamefromo’ertheseaTowaitonPASHABAILEYB。,Allbearingpresentsinacrowd,ForB。waspooraswellasproud。
HISPRESENTS
Theybroughthimonionsstrungonropes,Andcoldboiledbeef,andtelescopes,Andballsofstring,andshrimps,andguns,Andchops,andtacks,andhats,andbuns。
MOREOFTHEM
Theybroughthimwhitekidgloves,andpails,Andcandlesticks,andpottedquails,Andcapstan—bars,andscalesandweights,Andornamentsforemptygrates。
WHYIMENTIONTHESE
Mytaleisnotofthese—ohno!
IonlymentionthemtoshowThediversgiftsthatdiversmenBroughto’ertheseatoBAILEYBEN。
HISCONFIDANT
AconfidanthadBAILEYB。,AgayMongoliandogwashe;
IamnotgoodatTurkishnames,AndsoIcallhimSIMPLEJAMES。
HISCONFIDANT’SCOUNTENANCE
AdreadfullegendyoumighttraceInSIMPLEJAMES’Shonestface,Forthereyouread,inNature’sprint,\"AScoundreloftheDeepestTint。\"
HISCHARACTER
Adeedofblood,orfire,orflames,WasmeatanddrinktoSIMPLEJAMES:
Tohidehisguilthedidnotplan,Butownedhimselfabadyoungman。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
AndwhyonearthgoodBAILEYBEN
(Thewisest,noblest,bestofmen)
MadeSIMPLEJAMEShisright—handmanIsquitebeyondmymentalspan。
THESAME,CONTINUED
Butthere—enoughofgruesomedeeds!
Myheart,inthinkingofthem,bleeds;
AndsoletSIMPLEJAMEStakewing,—
’TisnotofhimI’mgoingtosing。
THEPASHA’SCLERK
GoodPASHABAILEYkeptaclerk(ForBAILEYonlymadehismark),HisnamewasMATTHEWWYCOMBECOO,Amanofnearlyforty—two。
HISACCOMPLISHMENTS
NopersonthatIeverknewCould\"yodel\"halfaswellasCOO,AndHighlandersexclaimed,\"Eh,weel!\"
WhenCOObegantodanceareel。
HISKINDNESSTOTHEPASHA’SWIVES
HeusedtodanceandsingandplayInsuchanunaffectedway,HecheeredtheunexcitinglivesOfPASHABAILEY’Slovelywives。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
ButwhyshouldIencumberyouWithhistoriesofMATTHEWCOO?
LetMATTHEWCOOatoncetakewing,—
’TisnotofCOOI’mgoingtosing。
THEAUTHOR’SMUSE
LetmerecallmywanderingMuse;
SheSHALLbesteadyifIchoose—
Sheroves,insteadofhelpingmeTotellthedeedsofBAILEYB。
THEPASHA’SVISITOR
Onemorningknocked,athalf—pasteight,AtallRedIndianathisgate。
InTurkey,asyou’rep’rapsaware,RedIndiansareextremelyrare。
THEVISITOR’SOUTFIT
Mocassinsdeckedhisgracefullegs,Hiseyeswereblack,androundaseggs,Andonhisneck,insteadofbeads,HungseveralCatawampousseeds。
WHATTHEVISITORSAID
\"Ho,ho!\"hesaid,\"thoupale—facedone,PooroffspringofanEasternsun,You’veNEVERseentheRedManskipUponthebanksofMississip!\"
THEAUTHOR’SMODERATION
TosaythatBAILEYopedhiseyesWouldfeeblypainthisgreatsurprise—
TosayitalmostmadehimdieWouldbetopaintitmuchtoohigh。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
ButwhyshouldIransackmyheadTotellyouallthatIndiansaid;
We’lllettheIndianmantakewing,—
’TisnotofhimI’mgoingtosing。
THEREADERTOTHEAUTHOR
Come,come,Isay,that’squiteenoughOfthisabsurddisjointedstuff;
Nowlet’sgetontothataffairAboutLIEUTENANT—COLONELFLARE。
Ballad:Lieutenant—ColonelFlareTheearthhasarmiesplenty,Andsemi—warlikebands,IdaresaytherearetwentyInEuropeanlands;
But,oh!innodirectionYou’dfindonetocompareInbrotherlyaffectionWiththatofCOLONELFLARE。
HissoldiersmightberatedAsmilitaryPearls。
AsunsophisticatedAsprettylittlegirls!
Theyneversmokedorratted,OrtalkedofSuesorPolls;
TheSergeant—Majortatted,Theothersnursedtheirdolls。
HespenthisdaysinteachingThesetrulysolemnfacts;
There’slittleuseinpreaching,Orcirculatingtracts。
(ThevainestplaninventedForstiflingothercreeds,Unlessit’ssupplementedWithcharitableDEEDS。)
HetaughthissoldierskindlyTogiveatHunger’scall:
\"Oh,betterfargiveblindly,Thannevergiveatall!
ThoughsympathybekindledByImposition’sgame,Oh,betterfarbeswindledThansmotherupitsflame!\"
HismeanswerefarfromampleForpleasureorfordress,YetnotethisbrightexampleOfsingle—heartedness:
ThoughrankingasaColonel,Hispaywasbutagroat,WhiletheirrewarddiurnalWas—eachafive—poundnote。
Moreover,—thisevincesHiskindness,you’llallow,—
Hefedthemalllikeprinces,Andlivedhimselfoncow。
HesetthemallregalingOncuriouswines,anddear,Whilehewouldsitpale—ale—ing,Orquaffingginger—beer。
Thenathisinstigation(Aprettyfancythis)
TheirdailypayandrationHe’dtakeinchangeforhis;
Theybroughtittohimweekly,Andhewithoutagroan,WouldtakeitfromthemmeeklyAndgivethemallhisown!
ThoughnotexactlyknightedAsknights,ofcourse,shouldbe,YetnoonesodelightedInharmlesschivalry。
IfpeasantgirlorladyeBeneathmisfortunessank,Whate’erdistinctionsmadehe,Theywerenotthoseofrank。
NomaidenyoungandcomelyWhowantedgoodadvice(Howeverpoororhomely)
Needaskhimforittwice。
He’dwipeawaytheblindnessThatcomesoftearydew;
HissympathetickindnessNosortoflimitknew。
HealwayshateddealingWithmenwhoschemedorplanned;
Apersonharsh—unfeeling—
TheColonelcouldnotstand。
Hehatedcold,suspecting,Officialmeninblue,WhopasstheirlivesdetectingThecrimesthatothersdo。
Formenwho’dshootasparrow,OrimmolateawormBeneathafarmer’sharrow,Hecouldnotfindaterm。
Humanely,ay,andknightlyHedealtwithsuchanone;
Hetookandtiedhimtightly,Andblewhimfromagun。
Theearthhasarmiesplenty,Andsemi—warlikebands,I’mcertaintherearetwentyInEuropeanlands;
But,oh!innodirectionYou’dfindonetocompareInbrotherlyaffectionWiththatofCOLONELFLARE。
Ballad:LostMr。BlakeMR。BLAKEwasaregularout—and—outhardenedsinner,WhowasquiteoutofthepaleofChristianity,sotospeak,HewasinthehabitofsmokingalongpipeanddrinkingaglassofgrogonaSundayafterdinner,Andseldomthoughtofgoingtochurchmorethantwiceor—ifGoodFridayorChristmasDayhappenedtocomeinit—threetimesaweek。
HewasquiteindifferentastotheparticularkindsofdressesThattheclergymanworeatchurchwhereheusedtogotopray,Andwhateverhedidinthewayofrelievingachap’sdistresses,Healwaysdidinanasty,sneaking,underhanded,hole—and—
cornersortofway。
Ihaveknownhimindulgeinprofane,ungentlemanlyemphatics,WhentheProtestantChurchhasbeendividedonthesubjectoftheproperwidthofachasuble’shem;
Ihaveevenknownhimtosneeratalbs—andasfordalmatics,Wordscan’tconveyanideaofthecontemptheexpressedforTHEM。
Hedidn’tbelieveinpersonswho,notbeingwelloffthemselves,areobligedtoconfinetheircharitableexertionstocollectingmoneyfromwealthierpeople,Andlookeduponindividualsoftheformerclassasecclesiasticalhawks;
Heusedtosaythathewouldnomorethinkofinterferingwithhispriest’srobesthanwithhischurchorhissteeple,Andthathedidnotconsiderhissoulimperilledbecausesomebodyoverwhomhehadnoinfluencewhatever,chosetodresshimselfuplikeanexaggeratedGUYFAWKES。
ThisshockingoldvagabondwassounutterablyshamelessThatheactuallywenta—courtingaveryrespectableandpiousmiddle—agedsister,bythenameofBIGGS。
Shewasaratherattractivewidow,whoselifeassuchhadalwaysbeenparticularlyblameless;
Herfirsthusbandhadleftherasecurebutmoderatecompetence,owingtosomefortunatespeculationsinthematteroffigs。
Shewasanexcellentpersonineveryway—andwontherespectevenofMRS。GRUNDY,Shewasagoodhousewife,too,andwouldn’thavewastedapennyifshehadownedtheKoh—i—noor。
ShewasjustasstrictashewaslaxinherobservanceofSunday,Andbeingagoodeconomist,andcharitablebesides,shetookallthebonesandcoldpotatoesandbrokenpie—crustsandcandle—ends(whenshehadquitedonewiththem),andmadethemintoanexcellentsoupforthedeservingpoor。
IamsorrytosaythatsherathertooktoBLAKE—thatoutcastofsociety,Andwhenrespectablebrotherswhowerefondofherbegantolookdubiousandtocough,Shewouldsay,\"Oh,myfriends,it’sbecauseIhopetobringthispoorbenightedsoulbacktovirtueandpropriety,Andbesides,thepoorbenightedsoul,withallhisfaults,wasuncommonlywelloff。
AndwhenMR。BLAKE’Sdissipatedfriendscalledhisattentiontothefrownorthepoutofher,Wheneverhedidanythingwhichappearedtohertosavourofanunmentionableplace,Hewouldsaythat\"shewouldbeaverydecentoldgirlwhenallthatnonsensewasknockedoutofher,\"
Andhismethodofknockingitoutofherisonethatcoveredhimwithdisgrace。
ShewasfondofgoingtochurchservicesfourtimeseverySunday,and,fourorfivetimesintheweek,andneverseemedtopallofthem,Sohehuntedoutallthechurcheswithinaconvenientdistancethathadservicesatdifferenthours,sotospeak;
Andwhenhehadmarriedherhepositivelyinsistedupontheirgoingtoallofthem,SotheycontrivedtodoabouttwelvechurcheseverySunday,and,iftheyhadluck,fromtwenty—twototwenty—threeinthecourseoftheweek。
Shewasfondofdroppinghissovereignsostentatiouslyintotheplate,andshelikedtoseethemstandoutratherconspicuouslyagainstthecommonplacehalf—crownsandshillings,Sohetookhertoallthecharitysermons,andifbyanyextraordinarychancetherewasn’tacharitysermonanywhere,hewoulddropacoupleofsovereigns(oneforhimandoneforher)intothepoor—boxatthedoor;
Andashealwaysdeductedthesumsthusgivenincharityfromthehousekeepingmoney,andthemoneyheallowedherforherbonnetsandfrillings,Shesoonbegantofindthatevencharity,ifyouallowittointerferewithyourpersonalluxuries,becomesanintolerablebore。
OnSundaysshewasalwaysmelancholyandanythingbutgoodsociety,Forthatdayinherhouseholdwasadayofsighingsandsobbingsandwringingofhandsandshakingofheads:
Shewouldn’thearofabuttonbeingsewnonaglove,becauseitwasaworkneitherofnecessitynorofpiety,Andstrictlyprohibitedherservantsfromamusingthemselves,orindeeddoinganythingatallexceptdustingthedrawing—
rooms,cleaningthebootsandshoes,cookingtheparlourdinner,waitinggenerallyonthefamily,andmakingthebeds。
ButBLAKEevenwentfurtherthanthat,andsaidthatpeopleshoulddotheirownworksofnecessity,andnotdelegatethemtopersonsinamenialsituation,Sohewouldn’tallowhisservantstodosomuchasevenanswerabell。
Hereheismakinghiswifecarryupthewaterforherbathtothesecondfloor,muchagainstherinclination,—
AndwhyintheworldthegentlemanwhoillustratestheseballadshasputhiminacockedhatismorethanIcantell。
Afteraboutthreemonthsofthissortofthing,takingthesmoothwiththeroughofit,(Blackingherownbootsandpeelingherownpotatoeswasnothernotionofconnubialbliss),MRS。BLAKEbegantofindthatshehadprettynearlyhadenoughofit,Andcame,incourseoftime,tothinkthatBLAKE’Sownoriginallineofconductwasn’tsomuchamiss。
Andnowthatwickedperson—thatdetestablesinner(\"BELIAL
BLAKE\"hisfriendsandwell—wisherscallhimforhisatrocities),Andhispoordeludedvictim,whomallherChristianbrothersdislikeandpityso,GototheparishchurchonlyonSundaymorningandafternoonandoccasionallyonaweek—day,andspendtheireveningsinconnubialfondlingsandaffectionatereciprocities,AndIshouldliketoknowwhereintheworld(orrather,outofit)theyexpecttogo!
Ballad:TheBaby’sVengeanceWearyatheartandextremelyillWasPALEYVOLLAIREofBromptonville,Inadirtylodging,withfeverdown,ClosetothePolygon,SomersTown。
PALEYVOLLAIREwasanonlyson(Forwhy?Hismotherhadhadbutone),AndPALEYinheritedgoldandgroundsWorthseveralhundredthousandpounds。
Buthe,likemanyarichyoungman,Throughthismagnificentfortuneran,AndnothingwasleftforhisdailyneedsButduplicatecopiesofmortgage—deeds。
Shabbyandsorryandsorelysick,Heslept,anddreamtthattheclock’s\"tick,tick,\"
WasoneoftheFates,withalongsharpknife,Snickingoffbitsofhisshortenedlife。
Hewokeandcountedthepipsonthewalls,Theoutdoorpassengers’loudfootfalls,Andreckonedallover,andreckonedagain,Thelittlewhitetuftsonhiscounterpane。
Amedicalmantohisbedsidecame。
(Ican’trememberthatdoctor’sname),Andsaid,\"You’lldieinaveryshortwhileIfyoudon’tsetsailforMadeira’sisle。\"
\"GotoMadeira?goodnessme!
Ihaven’tthemoneytopayyourfee!\"
\"Then,PALEYVOLLAIRE,\"saidtheleech,\"goodbye;
I’llcomenomore,foryour’resuretodie。\"
Hesighedandhegroanedandsmotehisbreast;
\"Oh,send,\"saidhe,\"forFREDERICKWEST,Eresensesfadeormyeyesgrowdim:
I’veaterribletaletowhisperhim!\"
PoorwasFREDERICK’Slotinlife,—
Adustmanhewithafairyoungwife,Aworthymanwithahard—earnedstore,Ahundredandseventypounds—ormore。
FREDERICKcame,andhesaid,\"MaybeYou’llsaywhatyouhappenedtowantwithme?\"
\"Wrongedboy,\"saidPALEYVOLLAIRE,\"Iwill,Butdon’tyoufidgetyourself—sitstill。\"
THETERRIBLETALE。
\"’Tisnowsomethirty—sevenyearsagoSincefirstbegantheplotthatI’mrevealing,Afineyoungwoman,whomyououghttoknow,LivedwithherhusbanddowninDrumLane,Ealing。
Herselfbymeansofmanglingreimbursing,Andnowandthen(atintervals)wet—nursing。
\"Twolittlebabesdweltintheirhumblecot:
Onewasherown—theotheronlylenttoher:
HEROWNSHESLIGHTED。TemptedbyalotOfgoldandsilverregularlysenttoher,SheministereduntothelittleotherInthecapacityoffoster—mother。
\"IWASHEROWN。Oh!howIlayandsobbedInmypoorcradle—deeply,deeplycursingTherichman’spamperedbantling,whohadrobbedMyonlybirthright—anattentivenursing!
Sometimesinhatredofmyfoster—brother,Ignashedmygums—whichterrifiedmymother。
\"Oneday—itwasquiteearlyintheweek—
IINMYCRADLEHAVINGPLACEDTHEBANTLING—
Creptintohis!Hehadnotlearnttospeak,ButIcouldseehisfacewithangermantling。
Itwasimprudent—well,disgracefulmaybe,For,oh!Iwasabad,blackheartedbaby!
\"Sogreataluxurywasfood,IthinkNowickednessbutIwasgametotryforit。
NOWifIwantedanythingtodrinkAtanytime,Ionlyhadtocryforit!
ONCE,ifIdaredtoweep,thebottlelacking,Myblubberinginvolvedaserioussmacking!
\"Wegrewupintheusualway—myfriend,Myfoster—brother,dailygrowingthinner,WhilegraduallyIbegantomend,Andthrivedamazinglyondoubledinner。
Andeveryone,besidesmyfoster—mother,Believedthateitherofuswastheother。
\"IcameintoHISwealth—IboreHISname,Ibearitstill—HISpropertyIsquandered—
Imortgagedeverything—andnow(oh,shame!)
IntoaSomersTownshake—downI’vewandered!
IamnoPALEY—no,VOLLAIRE—it’strue,myboy!
TheonlyrightfulPALEYV。isYOU,myboy!
\"AndallIhaveisyours—andyoursismine。
Istillmayplaceyouinyourtrueposition:
Givemethepoundsyou’vesaved,andI’llresignMynoblename,myrank,andmycondition。
SofarmywickednessinfalselyowningYourvastywealth,Iamatlastatoning!\"
*******
FREDERICKhewasasimplesoul,Hepulledfromhispocketabulkyroll,AndgavetoPALEYhishard—earnedstore,Ahundredandseventypoundsormore。
PALEYVOLLAIRE,withmanyagroan,GaveFREDERICKallthathecalledhisown,—
Twoshirtsandasock,andavestofjean,AWellingtonbootandabamboocane。
AndFRED(entitledtoallthingsthere)
HetookthefeverfromMR。VOLLAIRE,WhichkilledpoorFREDERICKWEST。MeanwhileVOLLAIREsailedofftoMadeira’sisle。
Ballad:TheCaptainAndTheMermaidsIsingalegendofthesea,Sohard—a—portuponyourlee!
Ashiponstarboardtack!
She’sbounduponaprivatecruise—
(ThisisthekindofspiceIuseTogiveasalt—seasmack)。
Behold,oneveryafternoon(SaveinagaleorstrongMonsoon)
GreatCAPTAINCAPELCLEGGS
(Greatmorally,thoughrathershort)
Satatanopenweather—portAndairedhisshapelylegs。
AndMermaidshungaroundinflocks,Oncablechainsanddistantrocks,Togazeuponthoselimbs;
Forlegslikethose,offleshandbone,Arethings\"notgenerallyknown\"
ToanyMermanTIMBS。
ButMermendidn’tseemtocareMuchtime(asfarasI’maware)
WithCLEGGS’Slegstospend;
ThoughMermaidsswamaroundalldayAndgazed,exclaiming,\"THAT’SthewayAgentlemanshouldend!
\"Apairoflegswithwell—cutknees,AndcalvesandanklessuchastheseWhichweinrapturehail,Arefarmoreeloquent,it’sclear(Whenclothedinsilkandkerseymere),Thananynastytail。\"
AndCLEGGS—aworthykindoldboy—
Rejoicedtoaddtoothers’joy,And,whenthedaywasdry,Becauseitpleasedthelookers—on,Hesatfrommorntillnight—thoughcon—
Stitutionallyshy。
AtfirsttheMermenlaughed,\"Pooh!pooh!\"
Butfinallytheyjealousgrew,Andsoundedloudrecalls;
Butvainly。SothesefishymalesDeclaredtheytoowouldclothetheirtailsInsilkenhoseandsmalls。
Theysettowork,thesewater—men,Andmadetheirnetherrobes—butwhenTheydrewwithdaintytouchThekerseymereupontheirtails,Theyfounditscrapedagainsttheirscales,Andhurtthemverymuch。
Thesilk,besides,withwhichtheychoseTodecktheirtailsbywayofhose(Theyneverthoughtofshoon),Forsuchausewasmuchtoothin,—
Ittoreagainstthecaudalfin,And\"wentinladders\"soon。
Sotheydesignedanotherplan:
TheysenttheirmostseductivemanThisnotetohimtoshow—
\"OurMonarchsendstoCAPTAINCLEGGS
Hishumblecompliments,andbegsHe’lljoinhimdownbelow;
\"We’vepleasanthomesbelowthesea—
Besides,ifCAPTAINCLEGGSshouldbe(Asouradvicessay)
AjudgeofMermaids,hewillfindOurlady—fishofeverykindInspectionwillrepay。\"
GoodCAPELsentakindreply,ForCAPELthoughthecoulddescryAnadmirableplanTostudyalltheirwaysandlaws—
(Butnottheirlady—fish,becauseHewasamarriedman)。
TheMermansank—theCaptaintooJumpedoverboard,anddroppedfromviewLikestonefromcatapult;
AndwhenhereachedtheMerman’slair,Hecertainlywaswelcomedthere,But,ah!withwhatresult?
Theydidn’tlethimlearntheirlaw,Ormakeanoteofwhathesaw,Orinterestingmem。:
Thelady—fishhecouldn’tfind,Butthat,ofcourse,hedidn’tmind—
Hedidn’tcomeforthem。
Forthough,whenCAPTAINCAPELsank,TheMermendrawnindoublerankGavehimaheartyhail,YetwhensecureofCAPTAINCLEGGS,Theycutoffbothhislovelylegs,AndgavehimSUCHatail!
WhenCAPTAINCLEGGSreturnedaboard,Hisblithesomecrewconvulsiveroar’d,Toseehimalteredso。
TheAdmiraltydidinsistThatheupontheHalf—payListImmediatelyshouldgo。
Invaindeclaredthepooroldsalt,\"It’smymisfortune—notmyfault,\"
Withtearandtremblinglip—
InvainpoorCAPELbeggedandbegged。
\"AmanmustbecompletelyleggedWhorulesaBritishship。\"
SospakethesternFirstLordaloud—
Hewasawag,thoughveryproud,Andmuchrejoicedtosay,\"You’reonlyhalfacaptainnow—
Andso,myworthyfriend,IvowYou’llonlygethalf—pay!\"
Ballad:AnnieProtheroe。ALegendofStratford—Le—BowOh!listentothetaleoflittleANNIEPROTHEROE。
Shekeptasmallpost—officeintheneighbourhoodofBOW;
Shelovedaskilledmechanic,whowasfamousinhisday—
AgentleexecutionerwhosenamewasGILBERTCLAY。
IthinkIhearyousay,\"Adreadfulsubjectforyourrhymes!\"
Oreader,donotshrink—hedidn’tliveinmoderntimes!
Helivedsolongago(thesketchwillshowitataglance)
Thatallhisactionsglitterwiththelime—lightofRomance。
Inbusytimeshelabouredathisgentlecraftallday—
\"NodoubtyoumeanhisCal—craft,\"youamusinglywillsay—
But,no—hedidn’toperatewithcommonbitsofstring,HewasaPublicHeadsman,whichisquiteanotherthing。
Andwhenhisworkwasover,theywouldrambleo’erthelea,Andsitbeneaththefrondageofanelderberrytree,AndANNIE’Ssimpleprattleentertainedhimonhiswalk,Forpublicexecutionsformedthesubjectofhertalk。
Andsometimeshe’dexplaintoher,whichcharmedherverymuch,Howfamousoperatorsvaryverymuchintouch,Andthen,perhaps,he’dshowhowhehimselfperformedthetrick,Andillustratehismeaningwithapoppyandastick。
Or,ifitrained,thelittlemaidwouldstopathome,andlookAthisfavourablenotices,allpastedinabook,Andthenhercheekwouldflush—herswimmingeyeswoulddancewithjoyInaglowofadmirationattheprowessofherboy。
Onesummereve,atsupper—time,thegentleGILBERTsaid(AshehelpedhisprettyANNIEtoasliceofcollaredhead),\"ThisremindsmeImustsettleonthenextensuingdayThehashofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY。\"
HesawhisANNIEtrembleandhesawhisANNIEstart,Herchangingcolourtrumpetedtheflutteratherheart;
YoungGILBERT’Smanlybosomroseandsankwithjealousfear,Andhesaid,\"OgentleANNIE,what’sthemeaningofthishere?\"
AndANNIEanswered,blushinginaninterestingway,\"Youthink,nodoubt,I’msighingforthatfelonPETERGRAY:
ThatIwashisyoungwomanisunquestionablytrue,ButnotsinceIbegana—keepingcompanywithyou。\"
ThenGILBERT,whowasirritable,roseandloudlysworeHe’dknowthereasonwhyifsherefusedtotellhimmore;
Andsheanswered(allthewomaninherflashingfromhereyes)
\"Youmustn’tasknoquestions,andyouwon’tbetoldnolies!
\"Fewlovershavetheprivilegeenjoyed,mydear,byyou,Ofchoppingoffarival’sheadandquarteringhimtoo!
Ofvengeance,dear,to—morrowyouwillsurelytakeyourfill!\"
AndGILBERTgroundhismolarsasheansweredher,\"Iwill!\"
YoungGILBERTrosefromtablewithasterndeterminedlook,And,frowning,tookaninexpensivehatchetfromitshook;
AndANNIEwatchedhismovementswithaninterestedair—
Forthemorrow—forthemorrowhewasgoingtoprepare!
Hechippeditwithahammerandhechoppeditwithabill,Hepouredsulphuricacidontheedgeofit,untilThisterribleAvengeroftheMajestyofLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
AndANNIEsaid,\"OGILBERT,dear,IdonotunderstandWhyeveryouareinjuringthathatchetinyourhand?’
Hesaid,\"ItisintendedfortolacerateandflayTheneckofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY!\"
\"Now,GILBERT,\"ANNIEanswered,\"wickedheadsman,justbeware—
Iwon’thavePETERtorturedwiththathorribleaffair;
Ifyouappearwiththat,youmaydependyou’llruetheday。\"
ButGILBERTsaid,\"Oh,shallI?\"whichwasjusthisnastyway。
Hesawalookofangerfromhereyesdistinctlydart,ForANNIEwasawoman,andhadpityinherheart!
Shewishedhimagoodevening—heansweredwithaglare;
Sheonlysaid,\"Remember,foryourANNIEwillbethere!\"
********
ThemorrowGILBERTboldlyonthescaffoldtookhisstand,Withavizoronhisfaceandwithahatchetinhishand,AndallthepeoplenoticedthattheEngineoftheLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
Thefelonverycoollyloosedhiscollarandhisstock,Andplacedhiswickedheaduponthehandylittleblock。
ThehatchetwasupliftedfortosettlePETERGRAY,WhenGILBERTplainlyheardawoman’svoiceexclaiming,\"Stay!\"
’TwasANNIE,gentleANNIE,asyou’lleasilybelieve。
\"OGILBERT,youmustsparehim,forIbringhimareprieve,ItcamefromourHomeSecretarymanyweeksago,Andpassedthroughthatpost—officewhichIusedtokeepatBow。
\"Ilovedyou,lovedyoumadly,andyouknowit,GILBERTCLAY,AndasI’dquitesurrenderedallideaofPETERGRAY,Iquietlysuppressedit,asyou’llclearlyunderstand,ForIthoughtitmightbeawkwardifhecameandclaimedmyhand。
\"Inangeratmysecret(whichIcouldnottellbefore),TolaceratepoorPETERGRAYvindictivelyyouswore;
Itoldyouifyouusedthatbluntedaxeyou’druetheday,Andsoyouwill,youngGILBERT,forI’llmarryPETERGRAY!\"
[ANDSOSHEDID。
Ballad:AnUnfortunateLikenessI’vepaintedSHAKESPEAREallmylife—
\"Aninfant\"(eventhenat\"play\"!)
\"Aboy,\"withstage—ambitionrife,Then\"MarriedtoANNHATHAWAY。\"
\"Thebard’sfirstticketnight\"(or\"ben。\"),His\"Firstappearanceonthestage,\"
His\"Callbeforethecurtain\"—then\"Rejoicingswhenhecameofage。\"
Thebardplay—writinginhisroom,Thebardahumblelawyer’sclerk。
Thebardalawyer(1)—parson(2)—groom(3)—
Thebarddeer—stealing,afterdark。
Thebardatradesman(4)—andaJew(5)—
Thebardabotanist(6)—abeak(7)—
Thebardaskilledmusician(8)too—
Asheriff(9)andasurgeon(10)eke!
Yetcriticssay(afriendlystock)
That,thoughit’sevidentItry,YetevenIcanbarelymockTheglimmerofhiswondrouseye!
OnemorningasaworkIframed,Therepassedaperson,walkinghard:
\"Mygraciousgoodness,\"Iexclaimed,\"Howverylikemydearoldbard!
\"Oh,whatamodelhewouldmake!\"
Irushedoutside—impulsiveme!—
\"ForgivethelibertyItake,Butyou’resovery\"—\"Stop!\"saidhe。
\"Youneedn’twasteyourbreathortime,—
Iknowwhatyouaregoingtosay,—
Thatyou’reanartist,andthatI’mRemarkablylikeSHAKESPEARE。Eh?
\"YouwishthatIwouldsittoyou?\"
Iclaspedhimmadlyroundthewaist,Andbreathlesslyreplied,\"Ido!\"
\"Allright,\"saidhe,\"butpleasemakehaste。\"
Iledhimbyhishallowedsleeve,Andworkedawayathimapace,Ipaintedhimtilldewyeve,—
Thereneverwasanoblerface!
\"Oh,sir,\"Isaid,\"afortunegrandIsyours,bydintofmerestchance,—
TosportHISbrowatsecond—hand,TowearHIScast—offcountenance!
\"TorubHISeyeswhene’ertheyache—
TowearHISbaldnessereyou’reold—
TocleanHISteethwhenyouawake—
ToblowHISnosewhenyou’veacold!\"
Hiseyeballsglistenedinhiseyes—
Isatandwatchedandsmokedmypipe;
\"Bravo!\"Isaid,\"IrecognizeThephrensyofyourprototype!\"
Hisscantyhairhewildlytore:
\"That’sright,\"saidI,\"itshowsyourbreed。\"
Hedanced—hestamped—hewildlyswore—
\"Blessme,that’sveryfineindeed!\"
\"Sir,\"saidthegrandShakesperianboy(Continuingtoblazeaway),\"Youthinkmyfaceasourceofjoy;
Thatshowsyouknownotwhatyousay。
\"Forgivetheseyellsandcellar—flaps:
I’malwaysthrowninsomesuchstateWhenonhisfacewell—meaningchapsThiswretchedmancongratulate。
\"For,oh!thisface—thispointedchin—
Thisnose—thisbrow—theseeyeballstoo,HavealwaysbeentheoriginOfallthewoesIeverknew!
\"IftotheplaymywayIfind,ToseeagrandShakesperianpiece,Ihavenorest,noeaseofmindUntiltheauthor’spuppetscease。
\"Mennudgeeachother—thus—andsay,’ThiscertainlyisSHAKESPEARE’Sson,’
Andmerrywags(ofcourseinplay)
Cry’Author!’whenthepieceisdone。