\"Inchurchthepeoplestareatme,Theirsoulthesermonneverbinds;
Icatchthemlookingroundtosee,AndthoughtsofSHAKESPEAREfilltheirminds。
\"Andsculptors,fraughtwithcunningwile,WhofinditdifficulttocrownAbustwithBROWN’Sinsipidsmile,OrTOMKINS’Sunmanneredfrown,\"Yetboldlymakemyfacetheirown,When(oh,presumption!)theyrequireToanimateapaving—stoneWithSHAKESPEARE’Sintellectualfire。
\"Atpartieswhereyoungladiesgaze,AndIattempttospeakmyjoy,’Hush,pray,’somelovelycreaturesays,’Thefondillusiondon’tdestroy!’
\"Whene’erIspeak,mysouliswrungWiththeseorsomesuchwhisperings:
’’TispitythataSHAKESPEARE’StongueShouldsaysuchun—Shakesperianthings!’
\"IshouldnotthusbecriticisedHadIafaceofcommonwont:
Don’tenvyme—now,beadvised!\"
And,nowIthinkofit,Idon’t!
Ballad:GregoryParable,LL。D。
Aleafycot,wherenodryrotHadeverbeenbytenantseen,Whereivyclungandwopsesstung,Wherebeeseshummedanddrummedandstrummed,Wheretreesesgrewandbreezesblew—
Athatchyroof,quitewaterproof,Wherecountlessherdsofdicky—birdsBuilttwiggybedstolaytheirheads(MymotherbegsI’llmakeit\"eggs,\"
Butthoughit’struethatdickiesdoConstructanestwithchirpynoise,Withviewtoresttheireggyjoys,’Neatheavysheds,yeteggsandbeds,AsIexplaintoherinvainFivehundredtimes,arefaultyrhymes)。
’Neathsuchacot,builtonaplotOffreeholdland,dweltMARYandHerworthyfather,namedbymeGREGORYPARABLE,LL。D。
Heknewnoguile,thissimpleman,Noworldlywile,orplot,orplan,ExceptthatplotoffreeholdlandThatheldthecot,andMARY,andHerworthyfather,namedbymeGREGORYPARABLE,LL。D。
Agraveandlearnedscholarhe,Yetsimpleasachildcouldbe。
He’dshirkhismealtositandcramAgoodishdealofEtonGram。
NomanalivecouldhimnonplusWithvocativeofFILIUS;
NomanalivemorefullyknewThepassiveofaverbortwo;
NonebetterknewtheworththanheOfwordsthatendinB,D,T。
UponhisgreeninearlyspringHemightbeseenendeavouringTounderstandthehooksandcrooksOfHENRYandhisLatinbooks;
Orcallingforhis\"CaesaronTheGallicWar,\"likeanydon;
Or,p’raps,expoundinguntoallHowmythicBALBUSbuiltawall。
Solivedthesagewho’snamedbymeGREGORYPARABLE,LL。D。
TohimoneautumndaytherecameAlovelyyouthofmysticname:
Hetookalodginginthehouse,Andfella—dodgingsnipeandgrouse,For,oh!thatmildscholasticoneLetshootingforasinglegun。
Bythreeorfour,whensportwaso’er,TheMysticOnelaidbyhisgun,Andmadesheep’seyesofgiantsize,Tillaftertea,atMARYP。
AndMARYP。(sokindwasshe),She,too,madeeyesofgiantsize,WhoseeverydartrightthroughtheheartAppearedtorunthatMysticOne。
TheDoctor’swhimengrossinghim,Hedidnotknowtheyflirtedso。
For,saveattea,\"MUSAMUSAE,\"
AsI’madvised,monopolisedAndrenderedblindhisgiantmind。
ButlookingupabovehiscupOneafternoon,hesawthemspoon。
\"Aha!\"quothhe,\"younaughtylass!
AsquaintoldOVIDsays,’Amas!’\"
TheMysticYouthavowedthetruth,And,claimingruth,hesaid,\"InsoothIloveyourdaughter,agedman:
Refusetojoinusifyoucan。
Treatnotmyoffer,sir,withscorn,I’mwealthythoughI’mlowlyborn。\"
\"Youngsir,\"theagedscholarsaid,\"Ineverthoughtyoumeanttowed:
Engrossedcompletelywithmybooks,Ilittlenoticedlovers’looks。
I’velivedsolongawayfromman,IdonotknowofanyplanBywhichtotestalover’sworth,Except,perhaps,thetestofbirth。
I’vehalfforgotteninthiswildAfather’sdutytohischild。
Itishisplace,Ithinkit’ssaid,ToseehisdaughtersrichlywedTodignitariesoftheearth—
Ifpossible,ofnoblebirth。
Ifnoblebirthisnotathand,Afathermay,Iunderstand(Andthisaffordsachanceforyou),BesatisfiedtowedhertoABOUCICAULTorBARING—whichMeansanyonewho’sveryrich。
Now,there’sanEarlwholiveshardby,—
MychildandIwillgoandtryIfhewillmakethemaidhisbride—
Ifnot,toyousheshallbetied。\"
TheysoughttheEarlthatveryday;
TheSagebegantosayhissay。
TheEarl(averywickedman,WhosefaceboreVice’sblackestban)
Cutshortthescholar’ssimpletale,Andsaidinvoicetomakethemquail,\"Pooh!goalong!you’redrunk,nodoubt—
Here,PETERS,turnthesepeopleout!\"
TheSage,rebuffedinmodeuncouth,Returning,mettheMysticYouth。
\"Mydarlingboy,\"theScholarsaid,\"TakeMARY—blessingsonyourhead!\"
TheMysticBoyundidhisvest,Andtookaparchmentfromhisbreast,Andsaid,\"Now,bythatnoblebrow,Ine’erknewfathersuchasthou!
ThesterlingruleofcommonsenseNowreapsitsproperrecompense。
Rejoice,mysoul’sunequalledQueen,ForIamDUKEOFGRETNAGREEN!\"
Ballad:TheKingOfCanoodle—DumThestoryofFREDERICKGOWLER,Amarinerofthesea,Whoquittedhisship,theHOWLER,A—sailinginCaribbee。
Formanyadayhewandered,TillhemetinastateofrumCALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP,TheKingofCanoodle—Dum。
Thatmonarchaddressedhimgaily,\"Hum!Gollydedoto—day?
Hum!Lily—whiteBuckraSailee\"—
(Younoticehisplayfulway?)—
\"Whatdickensyoudoin’here,sar?
Whydebbilyouwanttocome?
Hum!Picaninnee,dereisn’tnoseaInCityCanoodle—Dum!\"
AndGOWLERheansweredsadly,\"Oh,mineisadolefultale!
They’vetreatedmewerrybadlyInLunnon,fromwhereIhail。
I’moneoftheFamilyRoyal—
NocommonJackTaryousee;
I’mWILLIAMTHEFOURTH,farupintheNorth,AKinginmyowncountree!\"
Bang—bang!Howthetom—tomsthundered!
Bang—bang!Howtheythumpedthisgongs!
Bang—bang!Howthepeoplewondered!
Bang—bang!Atithammerandtongs!
AlliancewithKingsofEuropeIsanhonourCanoodlersseek,Hermonarchsdon’tstopwithPEPPERMINTDROP
Everydayintheweek!
FREDtoldthemthathewasundone,Forhispeopleallwentinsane,AndfiredtheTowerofLondon,AndGrinnidge’sNavalFane。
AndsomeofthemrackedSt。James’s,AndventedtheirrageuponTheChurchofSt。Paul,theFishmongers’Hall,AndtheAngelatIslington。
CALAMITYPOPimploredhimInhiscapitaltoremainTillthosepeopleofhisrestoredhimTopowerandrankagain。
CALAMITYPOPhemadehimAPrinceofCanoodle—Dum,Withacoupleofcaves,somebeautifulslaves,Andtherunoftheroyalrum。
Popgavehimhisonlydaughter,HUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP:
FREDvowedthatifoverthewaterHewent,inanEnglishship,He’dmakeherhisQueen,—thoughtrulyItisanunusualthingForaCaribbeebratwho’sasblackasyourhatTobewifeofanEnglishKing。
AndalltheCanoodle—DummersTheycopiedhisrollingwalk,Hismethodofdrainingrummers,Hisemblematicaltalk。
Forhisdressandhisgracefulbreeding,Hisdelicatetasteinrum,Andhisnauticalway,werethetalkofthedayIntheCourtofCanoodle—Dum。
CALAMITYPOPmostwiselyDeterminedineverythingTomodelhisCourtpreciselyOnthatoftheEnglishKing;
AndorderedthateveryladyAndeverylady’slordShouldmasticatejacky(akindoftobaccy),Andscatteritsjuiceabroad。
TheysignifiedwonderroundlyAtanyastoundingyarn,Bydarningtheirdeareyesroundly(’Twasalltheyhadtodarn)。
They\"hoistedtheirslacks,\"adjustingGarmentsofplantain—leavesWithnauticaltwitches(asiftheyworebreeches,InsteadofadresslikeEVE’S!)
Theyshiveredtheirtimbersproudly,Ataphantomforelockdragged,AndcalledforahornpipeloudlyWheneveramusementflagged。
\"Hum!Golly!himPOPresemble,HimBritishersov’reign,hum!
CALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP,DeKingofCanoodle—Dum!\"
Themariner’slively\"Hollo!\"
EnlivenedCanoodle’splain(ForblessingsunnumberedfollowInCivilization’strain)。
ButFortune,wholovesabathos,Aterribleendingplanned,ForADMIRALD。CHICKABIDDY,C。B。,PlacedfootonCanoodleland!
Thatrebel,heseizedKINGGOWLER,Hethreatenedhisroyalbrains,AndputhimaboardtheHOWLER,Andfastenedhimdownwithchains。
TheHOWLERsheweighedheranchor,WithFREDERICKnicelynailed,AndofftotheNorthwithWILLIAMTHEFOURTH
Thesehorriblepiratessailed。
CALAMITYsaid(withfolly),\"Hum!nebberwanthimagain—
Himcivilizeallofus,golly!
CALAMITYsuckhimbrain!\"
Thepeople,however,werepainedwhenTheysawhimaboardhisship,ButnoneofthemweptfortheirFREDDY,exceptHUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP。
Ballad:FirstLoveAclergymaninBerkshiredwelt,TheREVERENDBERNARDPOWLES,AndinhischurchthereweeklykneltAtleastahundredsouls。
TherelittleELLENyoumightsee,Themodestrusticbelle;
Inmaidenlysimplicity,ShelovedherBERNARDwell。
ThoughELLENworeaplainsilkgownUntrimmedwithlaceorfur,YetnotahusbandinthetownButwishedhiswifelikeher。
Thoughsternermemoriesmightfade,YounevercouldforgetThechild—formofthatbaby—maid,TheVillageViolet!
Asimplefrightenedloveliness,Whosesacredspirit—partShranktimidlyfromworldlystress,Andnestledinyourheart。
POWLESwoo’dwitheverywell—wornplanAndalltheusualwilesWithwhichawell—schooledgentlemanAsimpleheartbeguiles。
ThehackneyedcomplimentsthatboreWorld—folkslikeyouandme,AppearedtoherasiftheyworeThecrownofPoesy。
HiswinkingeyelidsangasongHerheartcouldunderstand,EternityseemedscarcetoolongWhenBERNARDsqueezedherhand。
HeordereddownthemartialcrewOfGODFREY’SGrenadiers,AndCOOTEconspiredwithTINNEYtoEcstaticiseherears。
Beneathherwindow,veiledfromeye,Theynightlytooktheirstand;
OnbirthdayssupplementedbyTheCoventGardenband。
AndlittleELLEN,allalone,Enrapturedsatabove,AndthoughthowblestshewastoownThewealthofPOWLES’Slove。
Ioften,oftenwonderwhatPoorELLENsawinhim;
ForcalculatedhewasNOT
Topleaseawoman’swhim。
Hewasn’tgood,despitetheairAnM。B。waistcoatgives;
Indeed,hisdearestfriendsdeclareNogreaterhumbuglives。
Nokindofvirtuedeckedthispriest,He’dnothingtoallure;
Hewasn’thandsomeintheleast,—
Hewasn’tevenpoor。
No—hewascursedwithacresfat(AChristian’sdirestban),Andgold—yet,notwithstandingthat,PoorELLENlovedtheman。
AsunlikeBERNARDascouldbeWaspooroldAARONWOOD
(DisgracefulBERNARD’Scuratehe):
Hewasextremelygood。
ABAYARDinhismoralpluckWithoutreproachorfear,AquietvenerableduckWithfiftypoundsayear。
Nofaulthadhe—nofad,exceptAtendencytostrum,Inmodeatwhichyouwouldhavewept,Adullharmonium。
HehadnogoldwithwhichtohireTheminstrelswhocouldbestConveyanotionofthefireThatragedwithinhisbreast。
Andso,whenCOOTEandTINNEY’SOwnHadtootledalltheyknew,AndwhentheGuards,completelyblown,Exhaustedlywithdrew,AndNELLbegantosleepyfeel,PoorAARONthenwouldcome,AndunderneathherwindowwheelHisplainharmonium。
Hewokehereverymornattwo,Andhavinggainedherear,InvividcoloursAARONdrewThesluggard’sgrimcareer。
HewarbledApiarianpraise,AndtaughtherinhischantToshunthedog’spugnaciousways,Andimitatetheant。
StillNELLseemednot,howmuchheplayed,Tolovehimoutandout,AlthoughtheadmirablemaidRespectedhim,nodoubt。
Shetoldhimofherearlyvow,AndsaidasBERNARD’SwifeItmightbeherstoshowhimhowTorectifyhislife。
\"Youaresopure,sokind,sotrue,Yourgoodnessshinessobright,WhatusewouldELLENbetoyou?
Believeme,you’reallright。\"
Shewishedhimhappinessandhealth,AndflewonlightningwingsToBERNARDwithhisdangerouswealthAndallthewoesitbrings。
Ballad:BraveAlumBeyOh,bigwasthebosomofbraveALUMBEY,Andalsotheregionthatunderitlay,Insafetyandperilremarkablycool,AndhedweltonthebanksoftheriverStamboul。
Eachmorninghewenttohisgarden,tocullAbunchofzenanaorsprigofbul—bul,Andofferedthebouquet,inexquisitebloom,ToBACKSHEESH,thedaughterofRAHATLAKOUM。
NomaidenlikeBACKSHEESHcouldtastilycookAkettleofkismetorjointoftchibouk,AsALUM,bravefellow!satpensivelyby,Withabrightsympatheticka—bobinhiseye。
Sterndutycompelledhimtoleaveheroneday—
(Aship’ssupercargowasbraveALUMBEY)—
ToprettyyoungBACKSHEESHhemadeasalaam,AndsailedtotheisleofSeringapatam。
\"OALUM,\"saidshe,\"thinkagain,ereyougo—
HareemsmayariseandMogulstheymayblow;
Youmaystrikeonafez,orbedrowned,whichiswuss!\"
ButALUMembracedherandspoketoherthus:
\"Ceaseweeping,fairBACKSHEESH!IwillinglyswearCorkjacketsandtrousersIalwayswillwear,AndIalsothrowinalargenumberofoathsThatInever—no,NEVER—willtakeoffmyclothes!\"
*****
TheyleftMadagascarawayontheirright,AndmadeClaphamCommonthefollowingnight,Thenlayontheiroarsforafortnightortwo,BecalmedintheoceanofHonololu。
OnedayALUMsaw,withalarminhisbreast,Acloudonthenor—sow—sow—nor—sow—nor—west;
Thewinditarose,andthecrewgaveascream,Fortheyknewit—theyknewit!—thedreadedHareem!!
Themastitwentover,andsodidthesails,BraveALUMthrewoverhiscasksandhisbales;
Thebillowsaroseastheweathergrewthick,AndallexceptALUMwereterriblysick。
Thecrewwerebutthree,buttheyholloa’dfornine,Theyhowledandtheyblubberedwithwailandwithwhine:
Theskipperhefaintedawayinthefore,Forhehadn’ttheheartfortoskipanymore。
\"Ho,coward!\"saidALUM,\"withheartofachild!
Thousonofapartywhosegraveisdefiled!
IsALUMinterror?isALUMafeard?
Ho!ho!IfyouhadoneI’dlaughatyourbeard。\"
Hiseyeballitgleamedlikeafurnaceofcoke;
Heboldlyinflatedhisclothesashespoke;
Hedaringlyfeltforthecorksonhischest,Andherecklesslytightenedthebeltathisbreast。
Forheknew,thebraveALUM,that,happenwhatmight,Withbeltsandcork—jacketing,HEwasallright;
Thoughothersmightsink,hewascertaintoswim,—
NoHareemwhateverhadterrorsforhim!
TheybeggedhimtosparefromhispersonalstoreAsinglecorkgarment—theyaskedfornomore;
Buthecouldn’t,becauseofthenumberofoathsThathenever—no,never!—wouldtakeoffhisclothes。
Thebillowsdasho’erthemandtopplearound,Theyseetheyareprettynearsuretobedrowned。
Aterriblewaveo’erthequarter—deckbreaks,Andthevesselitsinksinacoupleofshakes!
ThedreadfulHareem,thoughitknowshowtoblow,Expendsallitsstrengthinaminuteorso;
Whenthevesselhadfoundered,asIhavedetailed,Thetempestsubsided,andquietprevailed。
Oneseizedonacorkwithayelling\"Ha!ha!\"
(Itsbottlehad’prisonedapintofPacha)—
Anotheratoothpick—anotheratray—
\"Alas!itisuseless!\"saidbraveALUMBEY。
\"Toholloaandkickisaverybadplan:
Getitover,mytulips,assoonasyoucan;
You’dbetterlayholdofagoodlumpoflead,Andclingtoittightlyuntilyouaredead。
\"Justraiseyourhandsoveryourprettyheads—so—
Rightdowntothebottomyou’recertaintogo。
Ta!ta!I’mafraidweshallnotmeetagain\"—
Forthetrulycourageousaretrulyhumane。
BraveALUMwaspickeduptheverynextday—
Aman—o’—warsightedhimsmokingaway;
Withhungerandcoldhewasreadytodrop,Sotheysenthimbelowandtheygavehimachop。
Oreader,orreadress,whicheveryoube,Youweepforthecrewwhohavesunkinthesea?
Oreader,orreadress,readfarther,anddryThebrightsympatheticka—bobinyoureye。
Thatshiphadagrapplewiththreeironspikes,—
It’slowered,and,ha!onasomethingitstrikes!
TheyhaulitaboardwithaBritish\"heave—ho!\"
Andwhatithasfishedthedrawingwillshow。
TherewasWILSON,andPARKER,andTOMLINSON,too—
(Thefirstwasthecaptain,theothersthecrew)—
AslivelyandspryasaMalabarape,Quitepleasedandsurprisedattheirhappyescape。
AndALUM,bravefellow,whostoodinthefore,Andneverexpectedtolookonthemmore,Wasreallydelightedtoseethemagain,Forthetrulycourageousaretrulyhumane。
Ballad:SirBarnabyBamptonBooThisisSIRBARNABYBAMPTONBOO,Lastofanoblerace,BARNABYBAMPTON,comingtowoo,Allatadeuceofapace。
BARNABYBAMPTONBOO,Hereisahealthtoyou:
Hereiswishingyouluck,youelderlybuck—
BARNABYBAMPTONBOO!
TheexcellentwomenofTuptonveeKnewSIRBARNABYBOO;
Oneofthemsurelyhisbridewouldbe,Butdickensasoulknewwho。
WomenofTuptonvee,HereisahealthtoyeForaBaronet,dears,youwouldcutoffyourears,WomenofTuptonvee!
HereareoldMR。andMRS。DEPLOW
(PETERhisChristianname),Theykeptsevenoxen,apig,andacow—
Farmingitwastheirgame。
WorthyoldPETERDEPLOW,Hereisahealthtothou:
Yourraceisn’trun,thoughyou’reseventy—one,WorthyoldPETERDEPLOW!
ToexcellentMR。andMRS。DEPLOW
CameSIRBARNABYBOO,Heaskedfortheirdaughter,andtold’emashowHewasasrichasaJew。
BARNABYBAMPTON’Swealth,Hereisyourjollygoodhealth:
I’dneverrepineifyoucametobemine,BARNABYBAMPTON’Swealth!
\"OgreatSIRBARNABYBAMPTONBOO\"
(SaidPLOWtothattitledswell),\"Mymissushasgivenmedaughterstwo—
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL!\"
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL,Ihopeyou’reuncommonlywell:
Youtwoprettypearls—youextremelynicegirls—
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL!
\"AMELIAispassableonly,inface,But,oh!she’saworthygirl;
SuperiormoralslikeherswouldgraceThehomeofabeltedEarl。\"
Morality,heavenlylink!
ToyouI’lleternallydrink:
I’mawfullyfondofthatheavenlybond,Morality,heavenlylink!
\"NowNELLY’Stheprettier,p’raps,ofmygals,But,oh!she’sawaywardchit;
Shedressesherselfinhershowyfal—lals,Anddoesn’treadTUPPERabit!\"
OTUPPER,philosophertrue,Howdoyouhappentodo?
Apublisherlookswithrespectonyourbooks,FortheyDOsell,philosophertrue!
TheBart。(I’llbehangedifIdrinkhimagain,Orcareifhe’sillorwell),HesneeredatthegoodnessofMILLYTHEPLAIN,AndcottonedtoVOLATILENELL!
OVOLATILENELLYDEP。!
BehangedifI’llemptytothee:
Ilikeworthymaids,notmerefrivolousjades,VOLATILENELLYDEP。!
Theybolted,theBart。andhisfrivolousdear,AndMILLYwaslefttopout;
Foryearsthey’vegotonverywell,asIhear,Butsoonhewillrueit,nodoubt。
OexcellentMILLYDEPLOW,Ireallycan’tdrinktoyounow;
Myheadisn’tstrong,andthesonghasbeenlong,ExcellentMILLYDEPLOW!
Ballad:TheModestCoupleWhenmanandmaidenmeet,Iliketoseeadroopingeye,Ialwaysdroopmyown—Iamtheshyestoftheshy。
I’malsofondofbashfulness,andsittingdownonthorns,Formodesty’saqualitythatwomankindadorns。
WheneverIamintroducedtoanyprettymaid,Mykneestheyknocktogether,justasifIwereafraid;
Iflutter,andIstammer,andIturnapleasingred,Fortolaugh,andflirt,andogleIconsidermostill—bred。
Butstillinallthesematters,asinotherthingsbelow,Thereisapropermedium,asI’mabouttoshow。
Idonotrecommendanewly—marriedpairtotryTocarryonasPETERcarriedonwithSARAHBLIGH。
Betrothedtheywerewhenveryyoung—beforethey’dlearnttospeak(ForSARAHwasbutsixdaysold,andPETERwasaweek);
Thoughlittlemorethanbabiesatthoseearlyages,yetTheybashfullywouldfaintwhentheyoccasionallymet。
Theyblushed,andflushed,andfainted,tilltheyreachedtheageofnine,WhenPETER’Sgoodpapa(hewasaBaronoftheRhine)
DeterminedtoendeavoursomesoundargumenttofindTobringtheseshyyoungpeopletoaproperframeofmind。
HetoldthemthatasSARAHwastobehisPETER’Sbride,Theymightatleastconsenttositattablesidebyside;
Hebeggedthattheywouldnowandthenshakehands,tillhewashoarse,WhichSARAHthoughtindelicate,andPETERverycoarse。
AndPETERinatrembletotheblushingmaidwouldsay,\"Youmustexcusepapa,MISSBLIGH,—itishismountainway。\"
SaysSARAH,\"HisbehaviourI’llendeavourtoforget,Butyourpapa’sthecoarsestpersonthatIevermet。
\"Heplighteduswithoutourleave,whenwewereveryyoung,Beforewehadbegunarticulatingwiththetongue。
HisunderbredsuggestionsfillyourSARAHwithalarm;
Why,graciousme!he’llaskusnexttowalkoutarm—in—arm!\"
AtlengthwhenSARAHreachedthelegalageoftwenty—one,TheBaronhedeterminedtounitehertohisson;
AndSARAHinafainting—fitforweeksunconsciouslay,AndPETERblushedsohardyoumighthaveheardhimmilesaway。
AndwhenthetimearrivedfortakingSARAHtohisheart,Theyweremarriedintwochurcheshalf—a—dozenmilesapart(Intendingtoescapeallpublicridiculeandchaff),Andtheservicewasconductedbyelectrictelegraph。
Andwhenitwasconcluded,andthepriesthadsaidhissay,Untilthetimearrivedwhentheywerebothtodriveaway,Theyneverspokeorofferedfortofondleortofawn,ForHEwaitedintheattic,andSHEwaitedonthelawn。
Atlength,whenfouro’clockarrived,anditwastimetogo,Thecarriagewasannounced,butdecentSARAHanswered\"No!
Uponmyword,I’drathersleepmyeverlastingnap,ThangoandridealonewithMR。PETERinatrap。\"
AndPETER’Sover—sensitiveandhighly—polishedmindWouldn’tsufferhimtosanctionaproceedingofthekind;
Andfurther,hedeclaredhesufferedoverwhelmingshocksAtthebareideaofhavinganycoachmanonthebox。
SoPETERintooneturn—outincontinentlyrushed,WhileSARAHinasecondtrapsatmodestlyandblushed;
AndMR。NEWMAN’Scoachman,onauthorityI’veheard,Droveawayingallantstyleuponthecoach—boxofathird。
Now,thoughthismodestcoupleinthematterofthecarWereverylikelycarryingaprincipletoofar,IholdtheirshybehaviourwasmorelaudableinthemThanthatofPETER’SbrotherwithMISSSARAH’SsisterEM。
ALPHONSO,whoincoolassuranceallcreationlicks,HeupandsaidtoEMMIE(whohadimpudenceforsix),\"MISSEMILY,Iloveyou—willyoumarry?Saytheword!\"
AndEMILYsaid,\"Certainly,ALPHONSO,likeabird!\"
Idonotrecommendanewly—marriedpairtotryTocarryonasPETERcarriedonwithSARAHBLIGH,ButstilltheirshybehaviourwasmorelaudableinthemThanthatofPETER’SbrotherwithMISSSARAH’SsisterEM。
Ballad:TheMartinetSometimeago,insimpleverseIsangthestorytrueOfCAPTAINREECE,theMANTELPIECE,Andallherhappycrew。
IshowedhowanycaptainmayAttachhismentohim,Ifhebutheedstheirsmallestneeds,Andstudieseverywhim。
Nowmarkhow,byDraconicruleAndHAUTEURill—advised,ThenoblestcrewupontheBlueMaybedemoralized。
WhenhisungratefulcountryplacedKindREECEuponhalf—pay,WithoutmuchclaimSIRBERKELYcame,Andtookcommandoneday。
SIRBERKELYwasamartinet—
Asternunyieldingsoul—
WhoruledhisshipbydintofwhipAndhorribleblack—hole。
AsailorwhowasovercomeFromhavingfreelydined,Andchancedtoreelwhenatthewheel,Heinstantlyconfined!
Andtarswho,whenanactionraged,Appearedalarmedorscared,Andthosebelowwhowishedtogo,Heveryseldomspared。
E’enhewhosmotehisofficerForpunishmentwasbooked,AndmutiniesupontheseasHerarelyoverlooked。
Inshort,thehappyMANTELPIECE,Whereallhadgonesowell,BeneaththatfoolSIRBERKELY’SruleBecameafloatinghell。
WhenfirstSIRBERKELYcameaboardHereadaspeechtoall,Andtoldthemhowhe’dmadeavowToactonduty’scall。
ThenWILLIAMLEE,heupandsaid(TheCaptain’scoxswainhe),\"We’veheardthespeechyourhonour’smade,Andwerrypleasedwebe。
\"Wewon’tpretend,mylad,ashowWe’regladtoloseourREECE;
Urbane,polite,hesuitedquiteThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
\"ButifyourhonourgivesyourmindTostudyallourways,Withdanceandsongwe’lljogalongAsinthosehappydays。
\"Ilikeyourhonour’slooks,andfeelYou’reworthyofyoursword。
Yourhand,mylad—I’mdoosidgladTowelcomeyouaboard!\"
SIRBERKELYlookedamazed,asthoughHedidn’tunderstand。
\"Don’tshakeyourhead,\"goodWILLIAMsaid,\"Itisanhonesthand。
\"It’sgraspedabetterhandthanyourn—
Come,gov’nor,Iinsist!\"
TheCaptainstared—thecoxswainglared—
Thehandbecameafist!
\"Down,upstart!\"saidthehardysalt;
ButBERKELYdodgedhisaim,Andmadehimgoinchainsbelow:
Theseamenmurmured\"Shame!\"
Hestoppedallsongsat12p。m。,Stoppedhornpipeswhenatsea,Andsworehiscot(orbunk)shouldnotBeusedbyaughtthanhe。
Heneverjoinedtheirdailymess,Noraskedthemtohisown,ButchaffedingayandsocialwayTheofficersalone。
HisFirstLieutenant,PETER,wasAsuselessascouldbe,Ahelplessstick,andalwayssickWhentherewasanysea。
ThisFirstLieutenantprovedtobeHisfoster—sisterMAY,WhowenttoseaforloveofheInmasculinearray。
Andwhenhelearntthecuriousfact,Didheemotionshow,OrdryhertearsorendherfearsBymarryingher?No!
OrdidheeventrytosootheThismaideninherteens?
Oh,no!—insteadhemadeherwedTheSergeantofMarines!
OfcoursesuchSpartandisciplineWouldmakeanangelfret;
Theydrewalot,andWILLIAMshotThisfearfulmartinet。
TheAdmiraltysawhowillThey’dtreatedCAPTAINREECE;
HewasrestoredoncemoreaboardThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
Ballad:TheSailorBoyToHisLassIgoawaythisblessedday,Tosailacrossthesea,MATILDA!
MyvesselstartsforvariouspartsAttwentyafterthree,MATILDA。
Ihardlyknowwherewemaygo,Orifit’snearorfar,MATILDA,ForCAPTAINHYDEdoesnotconfideInany’fore—masttar,MATILDA!
BeneathmybanthatmysticmanShallsuffer,COUTEQUICOUTE,MATILDA!
WhatrighthashetokeepfrommeTheAdmiraltyroute,MATILDA?
Because,forsooth!IamayouthOfcommonsailors’lot,MATILDA!
AmIamanonhumanplanDesigned,oramInot,MATILDA?
Butthere,mylass,we’llletthatpass!
WithanxiousloveIburn,MATILDA。
IwanttoknowifweshallgoTochurchwhenIreturn,MATILDA?
Youreyesarered,youbowyourhead;
It’sprettyclearyouthirst,MATILDA,Tonametheday—What’sthatyousay?
—\"You’llseemefurtherfirst,\"MATILDA?
Ican’tmistakethesignsyoumake,Althoughyoubarelyspeak,MATILDA;
Thoughpureandyoung,youthrustyourtongueRightinyourprettycheek,MATILDA!
Mydear,IfearIhearyousneer—
Ido—I’msureIdo,MATILDA!
Withsimplegraceyoumakeaface,Ejaculating,\"Ugh!\"MATILDA。
Oh,pausetothinkbeforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup,MATILDA!
Remember,do,whatI’vegonethrough,Beforeyougivemeup,MATILDA!
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo,MATILDA!
AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt,allalongofyou,MATILDA!
Doyouforget,myblithesomepet,Howoncewithjealousrage,MATILDA,IwatchedyouwalkandgailytalkWithsomeonethriceyourage,MATILDA?
Yousquattedfreeuponhisknee,Asightthatmademesad,MATILDA!
Youpinchedhischeekwithfriendlytweak,Whichalmostdrovememad,MATILDA!
Iknewhimnot,buthopedtospotSomemanyouthoughttowed,MATILDA!
Itookagun,mydarlingone,Andshothimthroughthehead,MATILDA!
I’mmadeofstuffthat’sroughandgruffEnough,Iown;but,ah,MATILDA!
ItDIDannoyyoursailorboyTofinditwasyourpa,MATILDA!
I’vepassedalifeoftoilandstrife,Anddisappointmentsdeep,MATILDA;
I’velainawakewithdentalacheUntilIfellasleep,MATILDA!
AttimesagainI’vemissedatrain,Orp’rhapsrunshortoftin,MATILDA,Andwornabootoncornsthatshoot,Or,shaving,cutmychin,MATILDA。
But,oh!notrains—nodentalpains—
BelievemewhenIsay,MATILDA,Nocornsthatshoot—nopinchingbootUponasummerday,MATILDA—
It’smybelief,couldcausesuchgriefAsthatI’vesufferedfor,MATILDA,MyhavingshotinvitalspotYouroldprogenitor,MATILDA。
BethinkyouhowI’vekeptthevowImadeonewinterday,MATILDA—
That,comewhatcould,IneverwouldRemaintoolongaway,MATILDA。
And,oh!thecrimeswithwhich,attimes,I’vechargedmygentlemind,MATILDA,TokeepthevowImade—andnowYoutreatmesounkind,MATILDA!
Forwhenatsea,offCaribbee,Ifeltmypassionburn,MATILDA,Bypassionegged,IwentandbeggedThecaptaintoreturn,MATILDA。
Andwhen,mypet,Icouldn’tgetThatcaptaintoagree,MATILDA,RightthroughasortofopenportIpitchedhiminthesea,MATILDA!
Remember,too,howallthecrewWithindignationblind,MATILDA,Distinctlysworetheyne’erbeforeHadthoughtmesounkind,MATILDA。
Andhowthey’dshunmeonebyone—
Anunforgivinggroup,MATILDA—
IstoppedtheirhowlsandsulkyscowlsBypizeningtheirsoup,MATILDA!
Sopausetothink,beforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup,MATILDA;
Remember,do,whatI’vegonethrough,Beforeyougivemeup,MATILDA。
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo,MATILDA,AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt,allalongofyou,MATILDA!
Ballad:TheReverendSimonMagusArichadvowson,highlyprized,Forprivatesalewasadvertised;
Andmanyaparsonmadeabid;
TheREVERENDSIMONMAGUSdid。
Hesoughttheagent’s:\"Agent,I
Havecomepreparedatoncetobuy(Ifyourdemandisnottoobig)
TheCureofOtium—cum—Digge。\"
\"Ah!\"saidtheagent,\"THERE’Saberth—
Thesnuggestvicarageonearth;
Nosortofduty(soIhear),Andfifteenhundredpoundsayear!
\"Ifonthepriceweshouldagree,Thelivingsoonwillvacantbe;
Thegoodincumbent’sninetyfive,Andcannotverylongsurvive。
See—here’shisphotograph—yousee,He’sinhisdotage。\"\"Ah,dearme!
Poorsoul!\"saidSIMON。\"HisdeceaseWouldbeamercifulrelease!\"
Theagentlaughed—theagentblinked—
Theagentblewhisnoseandwinked—
Andpokedtheparson’sribsinplay—
Itwasthatagent’svulgarway。
TheREVERENDSIMONfrowned:\"IgrieveThislightdemeanourtoperceive;
It’sscarcelyCOMMEILFAUT,Ithink:
Now—prayobligeme—donotwink。
\"Don’tdigmywaistcoatintoholes—
YourmissionistosellthesoulsOfhumansheepandhumankidsTothatdivinewhohighestbids。
\"Dowellinthis,andonyourheadUnnumberedhonourswillbeshed。\"
Theagentsaid,\"Well,truthtotell,IHAVEbeendoingverywell。\"
\"Youshould,\"saidSIMON,\"atyourage;
Butnowabouttheparsonage。
Howmanyroomsdoesitcontain?
Showmethephotographagain。
\"Apoorapostle’shumblehouseMustnotbetooluxurious;
Nostatelyhallswithoakenfloor—
Itshouldbedecentandnomore。
\"Nobilliard—rooms—nostatelytrees—
Nocroquet—groundsorpineries。\"
\"Ah!\"sighedtheagent,\"verytrue:
Thispropertywon’tdoforyou。\"
\"Alltheseaboutthehouseyou’llfind。\"—
\"Well,\"saidtheparson,\"nevermind;
I’llmanagetosubmittotheseLuxurioussuperfluities。
\"AclergymanwhodoesnotshirkThevariouscallsofChristianwork,WillhavenoleisuretoemployThese’commonforms’ofworldlyjoy。
\"TopreachthreetimesonSabbathdays—
Toweanthelostfromwickedways—
Thesicktosoothe—thesanetowed—
Thepoortofeedwithmeatandbread;
\"ThesearethevariouswholesomewaysInwhichI’llspendmynightsanddays:
MyzealwillhavenotimetocoolAtcroquet,archery,orpool。\"
Theagentsaid,\"FromwhatIhear,Thislivingwillnotsuit,Ifear—
Therearenopoor,nosickatall;
Forservicesthereisnocall。\"
Thereverendgentlookedgrave,\"Dearme!
ThenthereisNO’society’?—
Imean,ofcourse,nosinnersthereWhosesoulswillbemyspecialcare?\"
Thecunningagentshookhishead,\"No,none—except\"—(theagentsaid)—
\"TheDUKEOFA。,theEARLOFB。,TheMARQUISC。,andVISCOUNTD。
\"Butyouwillnotbequitealone,Forthoughthey’vechaplainsoftheirown,Ofcoursethisnoblewell—bredclanReceivetheparishclergyman。\"
\"Oh,silence,sir!\"saidSIMONM。,\"Dukes—Earls!WhatshouldIcareforthem?
TheseworldlyranksIscornandflout!\"
\"Ofcourse,\"theagentsaid,\"nodoubt!\"
\"YetImightshowthesemenofbirthThehollownessofrankonearth。\"
Theagentanswered,\"Verytrue—
ButIshouldnot,ifIwereyou。\"
\"Whosellsthisrichadvowson,pray?\"
Theagentwinked—itwashisway—
\"HisnameisHART;’twixtmeandyou,Heis,I’mgrievedtosay,aJew!\"
\"AJew?\"saidSIMON,\"happyfind!
Ipurchasethisadvowson,mind。
MylifeshallbedevotedtoConvertingthatunhappyJew!\"
Ballad:Damonv。PythiasTwobetterfriendsyouwouldn’tpassThroughoutasummer’sday,ThanDAMONandhisPYTHIAS,—
Twomerchantprincesthey。
AtschooltogethertheycontrivedAllsortsofboyishlarks;
And,lateron,togetherthrivedAsmerrymerchants’clerks。
Andthen,whenmanyyearshadflown,TheyrosetogethertillTheyboughtabusinessoftheirown—
Andtheyconductitstill。
Theylovedeachotheralltheirlives,Dissenttheyneverknew,And,strangerstill,theirverywivesWereratherfriendlytoo。
Perhapsyouthink,toservemyends,ThesestatementsIrefute,WhenIadmitthatthesedearfriendsWerepartiestoasuit?
But’twasafriendlyaction,forGoodPYTHIAS,asyousee,Foughtmerelyasexecutor,AndDAMONastrustee。
Theylaughedtothink,asthroughthethrongOfsuitorssadtheypassed,Thatthey,who’dlivedandlovedsolong,Shouldgotolawatlast。
ThejuniorbriefstheykindlyletTwosuckingcounselhold;
TheselearnedpersonsneveryetHadfingeredsuitors’gold。
ButthoughthehappysuitorstwoWerefriendlyascouldbe,NotsothejuniorcounselwhoWereearningmaidenfee。
Theytoo,tillthen,werefriends。AtschoolThey’ddoneeachother’ssums,AndunderOxford’sgentleruleHadbeentheclosestchums。
ButnowtheymetwithscowlandgrinIneverypublicplace,AndoftensnappedtheirfingersinEachother’slearnedface。
ItalmostendedinafightWhentheyonpathorstairMetfacetoface。TheymadeitquiteApersonalaffair。
Andwhenatlengththecasewascalled(Itcameonratherlate),SpectatorsreallywereappalledToseetheirdeadlyhate。
Onejuniorrose—witheyeballstense,Andswollenfrontalveins:
ToallhispowersofeloquenceHegavethefullestreins。
Hisargumentwasnovel—forAverdicthereliedOnblackeningthejuniorUpontheotherside。
\"Oh,\"saidtheJudge,inrobeandfur,\"ThematterindisputeToarbitrationprayrefer—
Thisisafriendlysuit。\"
AndPYTHIAS,inmerrymood,DiggedDAMONintheside;
AndDAMON,tickledwiththefeud,Withotherdigsreplied。
Butoh!thosedeadlycounseltwain,Whoweresuchfriendsbefore,Wereneverreconciledagain—
Theyquarrelledmoreandmore。
AtlengthithappenedthattheymetOnAlpineheightsoneday,Andthustheypaideachonehisdebt,Theirfuryhaditsway—
Theyseizedeachotherinatrice,Withscornandhatredfilled,And,fallingfromaprecipice,They,bothofthem,werekilled。
Ballad:MyDreamTheothernight,fromcaresexempt,Islept—andwhatd’youthinkIdreamt?
IdreamtthatsomehowIhadcomeTodwellinTopsy—Turveydom—
Whereviceisvirtue—virtue,vice:
Whereniceisnasty—nasty,nice:
Whererightiswrongandwrongisright—
Wherewhiteisblackandblackiswhite。
Wherebabies,muchtotheirsurprise,Arebornastonishinglywise;
WitheveryScienceontheirlips,AndArtatalltheirfinger—tips。
For,astheirnursesdandlethemTheycrowbinomialtheorem,Withviews(itseemsabsurdtous)
Ondifferentialcalculus。
Butthoughababe,asIhavesaid,Isbornwithlearninginhishead,Hemustforgetit,ifhecan,Beforehecallshimselfaman。
Forthatwhichwecallfollyhere,Iswisdominthatfavouredsphere;
ThewisdomwesohighlyprizeIsblatantfollyintheireyes。
Aboy,ifhewouldpushhisway,Mustlearnsomenonsenseeveryday;
Andcut,tocarryoutthisview,Hiswisdomteethandwisdomtoo。
Historiansburntheirmidnightoils,Intentongiant—killers’toils;
AndsagesclosetheiragedeyesToothersages’lullabies。
Ourmagistrates,indutybound,Commitallrobberswhoarefound;
ButtheretheBeaks(sopeoplesaid)
Commitallrobberiesinstead。
OurJudges,pureandwiseintone,Knowcrimefromtheoryalone,AndgleanthemotivesofathiefFrombooksandpopularbelief。
Butthere,aJudgewhowantstoprimeHismindwithtrueideasofcrime,DerivesthemfromthecommonsenseOfpracticalexperience。
PolicemenmarchallfolksawayWhopractisevirtueeveryday—
Ofcourse,Imeantosay,youknow,Whatwecallvirtueherebelow。
ForonlyscoundrelsdaretodoWhatweconsiderjustandtrue,Andonlygoodmendo,infact,Whatweshouldthinkadirtyact。
Butstrangestofthesesocialtwirls,Thegirlsareboys—theboysaregirls!
Themenarewomen,too—butthen,PERCONTRA,womenallaremen。
ToonewhototraditionclingsThisseemsanawkwardstateofthings,Butiftothinkitoutyoutry,Itdoesn’treallysignify。
Withthem,assurelyascanbe,Asailorshouldbesickatsea,AndnotapassengermaysailWhocannotsmokerightthroughagale。
Asoldier(savebyrarestluck)
Isalwaysshotforshowingpluck(Thatis,ifotherscanbefoundWithpluckenoughtofirearound)。
\"Howstrange!\"IsaidtooneIsaw;
\"Youquiteupsetoureverylaw。
HowevercanyougetalongSosystematicallywrong?\"
\"Dearme!\"mymadinformantsaid,\"Haveyounoeyeswithinyourhead?
Yousneerwhenyouyourhatshoulddoff:
Why,webeginwhereyouleaveoff!
\"YourwisestmenareveryfarLesslearnedthanourbabiesare!\"
Imusedawhile—andthen,ohme!
Iframedthisbrilliantrepartee:
\"AlthoughyourbabesarewiserfarThanourmostvaluedsagesare,Yoursages,withtheirtoysandcots,Aredullerthanouridiots!\"
Butthisremark,Igrievetostate,CamejustalittlebittoolateForasIframeditinmyhead,Iwokeandfoundmyselfinbed。
StillIcouldwishthat,’steadofhere,Mylotwereinthatfavouredsphere!—
WheregreatestfoolsbearoffthebellIoughttodoextremelywell。
Ballad:TheBishopOfRum—Ti—FooAgainIoftenwonderwhetheryouThinksometimesofthatBishop,whoFromblackbutbalmyRum—ti—FooLastsummertwelvemonthcame。
UntoyourmindIp’r’apsmaybringRemembranceofthemanIsingTo—day,bysimplymentioningThatPETERwashisname。
RememberhowthatholymanCamewiththegreatColonialclanToSynod,calledPan—Anglican;
AndkindlyrecollectHow,havingcrossedtheoceanwide,TopleasehisflockallmeanshetriedConsistentwithaproperprideAndmanlyself—respect。
Heonly,ofthereverendpackWhoministertoChristiansblack,BroughtanyusefulknowledgebackTohisColonialfold。
InconsequenceaplaceIclaimFor\"PETER\"onthescrollofFame(ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname,AsI’vealreadytold)。
HecarriedArt,heoftensaid,Toplaceswherethattimidmaid(SavebyColonialBishops’aid)
Couldneverhopetoroam。
ThePayne—cum—LaurifeathetaughtAshehadlearntit;forhethoughtThechoicestfruitsofProgressoughtToblesstheNegro’shome。
Andhehadotherworktodo,For,whilehetossedupontheBlue,TheislandersofRum—ti—FooForgottheirkindlyfriend。
Theirdecentclothestheylearnttotear—
Theylearnttosay,\"Idonotcare,\"
Thoughthey,ofcourse,werewellawareHowfolks,whosayso,end。
Somesailors,whomhedidnotknow,Hadlandedtherenotlongago,Andtaughtthem\"Bother!\"also,\"Blow!\"
(Ofwickednessthegerms)。
Noneedtouseacasuist’spenToprovethattheyweremerchantmen;
NosailoroftheRoyalN。
Wouldusesuchawfulterms。
Andso,whenBISHOPPETERcame(ThatwasthekindlyBishop’sname),Heheardthesedreadfuloathswithshame,Andchidtheirwantofdress。
(Exceptashell—abanglerare—
Afeatherhere—afeatherthereTheSouthPacificNegroeswearTheirnativenothingness。)
HetaughtthemthataBishoploathesTolistentodisgracefuloaths,Hegavethemallhisleft—offclothes—
Theybentthemtohiswill。
TheBishop’sgiftspreadsquicklyround;
InPETER’Sleft—offclothestheybound(Histhree—and—twentysuitstheyfoundInfairconditionstill)。
TheBishop’seyeswithwaterfill,QuiteoverjoyedtofindthemstillObedienttohissovereignwill,Andsaid,\"GoodRum—ti—Foo!
Half—wayI’llmeetyou,Ideclare:
I’lldressmyselfincowriesrare,Andfastenfeathersinmyhair,Anddancethe’Cutch—chi—boo!’\"(11)
AndtoconciliatehisSeeHemarriedPICCADILLILLEE,Theyoungestofhistwenty—three,Tall—neitherfatnorthin。
(AndthoughthedresshemadeherdonLooksawkwardlyagirlupon,ItwasagreatimprovementonTheonehefoundherin。)
TheBishopinhisgaycanoe(Hiswife,ofcourse,wentwithhimtoo)
Tosomeadjacentislandflew,Tospendhishoneymoon。
SomedayinsunnyRum—ti—FooAlittlePETER’llbeonview;
Andthat(ifpeopletellmetrue)
Isliketohappensoon。
Ballad:AWormWillTurnIloveamanwho’llsmileandjokeWhenwithmisfortunecrowned;
Who’llpunbeneathapauper’syoke,Andashebreakshisdailytoke,Conundrumsgaypropound。
JustsuchamanwasBERNARDJUPP,HescoffedatFortune’sfrown;
Hegailydrainedhisbittercup—
ThoughFortuneoftenthrewhimup,Itnevercasthimdown。
Thoughyearstheirshareofsorrowbring,WeknowthatfaraboveAllothergriefs,aregriefsthatspringFromsomemisfortunehappeningTothosewereallylove。
E’ensorrowforanother’swoeOurBERNARDfailedtoquell;
ThoughbythisspecialformofblowNopersoneversufferedso,Orborehisgriefsowell。
Hisfather,wealthyandwellclad,Andowninghouseandpark,Losteveryhalfpennyhehad,Andthenbecame(extremelysad!)
Apoorattorney’sclerk。
Allsonsitsurelywouldappal,Exceptthepassingmeek,Toseeafatherlosehisall,AndfromanindependencefallToonepoundtenaweek!
ButJUPPshookoffthissorrow’sweight,And,likeaChristianson,ProvedPovertyahappyfate—
ProvedWealthtobeadevil’sbait,Tolurepoorsinnerson。
WithothersorrowsBERNARDcoped,Forsorrowscameinpacks;
Hiscousinswiththeirhousemaidssloped—
Hisunclesforged—hisauntseloped—
Hissistersmarriedblacks。
ButBERNARD,farfrommurmuring(Exemplar,friends,tous),Determinedtohisfaithtocling,—
Hemadethebestofeverything,Andarguedsoftlythus:
\"’Twereharshmyuncles’forgingknackToorudelytocondemn—
Myaunts,repentant,maycomeback,AndblacksarenothinglikeasblackAspeoplecolourthem!\"
StillFate,withmanyasorrowrife,Maintainedrelentlessfight:
Hisgrandmammanextlostherlife,Thendiedthemotherofhiswife,Butstillheseemedallright。
Hisbrotherfond(theonlylinkTolifethatboundhimnow)
Onemorning,overcomebydrink,Hebrokehisleg(theright,Ithink)
Insomedisgracefulrow。
ButdidmyBERNARDswearandcurse?
Ohno—tomurmurloth,Heonlysaid,\"Go,getanurse:
Bethankfulthatitisn’tworse;
Youmighthavebrokenboth!\"
ButwormswhowatchwithoutconcernThecockchaferonthorns,Orbeetlessmashed,themselveswillturnIf,walkingthroughtheslipperyfern,Youtreadupontheircorns。
OnenightasBERNARDmadehistrackThroughBromptonhometobed,Afootpad,withavizorblack,Tookwatchandpurse,anddealtacrackOnBERNARD’Ssaint—likehead。
Itwastoomuch—hisspiritrose,Helookedextremelycross。
Menthoughthimsteeledtomortalfoes,Butno—hebowedtocountlessblows,Butkickedagainstthisloss。
HefinallymadeuphismindUponhisfriendstocall;
Subscriptionlistswerelargelysigned,FormenwerereallygladtofindHimmortal,afterall!
Ballad:TheHaughtyActorAnactor—GIBBS,ofDruryLane—
Ofverydecentstation,OncehappenedinaparttogainExcessiveapprobation:
Itsometimesturnsafellow’sbrainAndmakeshimsingularlyvainWhenhebelievesthathereceivesTremendousapprobation。
Hisgreatsuccesshalfdrovehimmad,Butnooneseemedtomindhim;
Well,inanotherpiecehehadAnotherpartassignedhim。
Thispartwassmaller,byabit,Thanthatinwhichhemadeahit。
So,muchill—used,hestraightrefusedToplaythepartassignedhim。
********
THATNIGHTTHATACTORSLEPT,ANDI’LLATTEMPT
TOTELLYOUOFTHEVIVIDDREAMHEDREAMT。
THEDREAM。
Infightingwitharobberband(Athinghelovedsincerely)
AswordstruckGIBBSuponthehand,Andwoundeditseverely。
Atfirsthedidn’theeditmuch,Hethoughtitwasasimpletouch,Butsoonhefoundtheweapon’sboundHadwoundedhimseverely。
ToSurgeonCOBBhemadeatrip,Who’djusteffectedfeatlyAnamputationatthehipParticularlyneatly。
ArisingmanwasSurgeonCOBB
ButthisextremelyticklishjobHehadachieved(ashebelieved)
Particularlyneatly。
Theactorrangthesurgeon’sbell。
\"Observemywoundedfinger,Begoodenoughtostrapitwell,Andpritheedonotlinger。
ThatI,dearsir,mayfillagainTheTheatreRoyalDruryLane:
ThisverynightIhavetofight—
Sopritheedonotlinger。\"
\"Idon’tstrapfingersupfordoles,\"
Repliedthehaughtysurgeon;
\"Touseyourcant,Idon’tplayROLES
Utilitythatvergeon。
Firstamputation—nothingless—
Thatismylineofbusiness:
WesurgeonnobsdespisealljobsUtilitythatvergeon\"Wheninyourhiptherelurksdisease\"
(Sodreamtthislivelydreamer),\"OrdevastatingCARIES
InHUMERUSorFEMUR,Ifyoucanpayahandsomefee,Oh,thenyoumayrememberme—
WithjoyelateI’llamputateYourHUMERUSorFEMUR。\"
ThedisconcertedactorceasedThehaughtyleechtopester,Butwhenthewoundinsizeincreased,Andthenbegantofester,HesoughtalearnedCounsel’slair,AndtoldthatCounsel,thenandthere,HowCOBB’SneglectofhisdefectHadmadehisfingerfester。
\"Oh,bringmyaction,ifyouplease,ThecaseIprayyouurgeon,AndwinmethumpingdamagesFromCOBB,thathaughtysurgeon。
HeculpablyneglectedmeAlthoughIprofferedhimhisfee,Sopraycomedown,inwigandgown,OnCOBB,thathaughtysurgeon!\"
ThatCounsellearnedinthelaws,Withpassionalmosttrembled。
HejusthadgainedamightycauseBeforethePeersassembled!
Saidhe,\"HowdareyouhavethefaceTocomewithCommonJurycaseToonewhowingsrhetoricflingsBeforethePeersassembled?\"
Dispiritedbecameourfriend—
Depressedhismoralpecker—
\"Butstay!athought!—I’llgainmyend,Andsavemypoorexchequer。
Iwon’tbeplacedupontheshelf,I’lltakeitintoCourtmyself,AndlegalloredisplaybeforeTheCourtoftheExchequer。\"
HefoundaBaron—oneofthoseWhowithourlawssupplyus—
Inwigandsilkengownandhose,AsifatNISIPRIUS。
Buthe’djustgiven,offthereel,AfamousjudgmentonAppeal:
ItscarcebecamehisheightenedfameTositatNISIPRIUS。
Ourfriendbegan,witheasywit,Thathalfconcealedhisterror:
\"Pooh!\"saidtheJudge,\"IonlysitInBANCOorinError。
Canyousuppose,myman,thatI’dO’erNISIPRIUSCourtspreside,OrcondescendmytimetospendOnanythingbutError?\"
\"Toobad,\"saidGIBBS,\"mycasetoshirk!
Youmustbebadinnately,TosaveyourskillformightyworkBecauseit’svaluedgreatly!\"
Butherehewoke,withsuddenstart。
********
Hewrotetosayhe’dplaythepart。
I’vebuttotellheplayeditwell—
Theauthor’swords—hisnativewitCombined,achievedaperfect\"hit\"—
Thepaperspraisedhimgreatly。
Ballad:TheTwoMajorsAnexcellentsoldierwho’sworthythenameLovesofficersdashingandstrict:
Whengood,he’scontentwithescapingallblame,Whennaughty,helikestobelicked。
Helikesforafaulttobebulliedandstormed,Orimprisonedforseveraldays,Andhates,foradutycorrectlyperformed,Tobeslaveredwithsickeningpraise。
NoofficersickenedwithpraiseshisCORPS
SolittleasMAJORLAGUERRE—
NoofficersworeathiswarriorsmoreThanMAJORMAKREDIPREPERE。
Theirsoldiersadoredthem,andeverygradeDelightedtoheartheirabuse;
ThoughwhenevertheseofficerscameonparadeTheyshiveredandshookintheirshoes。
For,oh!ifLAGUERREcouldallpraiseswithhold,Why,socouldMAKREDIPREPERE,And,oh!ifMAKREDIcouldblusterandscold,Why,socouldthemightyLAGUERRE。
\"Nodoubtwedeserveit—nomercywecrave—
Goon—you’reconferringaboon;
Wewouldratherbeslangedbyawarriorbrave,Thanpraisedbyawretchedpoltroon!\"
MAKREDIwouldsaythatinbattle’sfiercerageTruehappinessonlywasmet:
PoorMAJORMAKREDI,thoughfiftyhisage,Hadneverknownhappinessyet!
LAGUERREwoulddeclare,\"WiththebloodofafoeNotippleisworthytoclink。\"
Poorfellow!hehadn’t,thoughsixtyorso,Yettastedhisfavouritedrink!
Theyagreedattheirmess—theyagreedintheglass—
Theyagreedinthechoiceoftheir\"set,\"
Andtheyalsoagreedinadoring,alas!
TheVivandiere,prettyFILLETTE。
Agreement,yousee,maybecarriedtoofar,AndafteragreeingallroundForyears—inthissoldierly\"maidofthebar,\"
Aboneofcontentiontheyfound!
Itmayseemimpropertocallsuchapet—
Byametaphor,even—abone;
Butthoughtheyagreedinadoringher,yetEachwantedtomakeherhisown。
\"Onthedaythatyoumarryher,\"mutteredPREPERE
(Withapistolhequietlyplayed),\"I’llscatterthebrainsinyournoddle,Iswear,Alloverthestonyparade!\"
\"IcannotdoTHATtoyou,\"answeredLAGUERRE,\"Whatevereventsmaybefall;
ButthisICANdo—IFYOUwedher,MONCHER!
I’lleatyou,moustachiosandall!\"
Therivals,althoughtheywouldneverengage,Yetquarrelledwhenevertheymet;
Theymetinafuryandleftinarage,ButneithertookprettyFILLETTE。
\"Iamnotafraid,\"thoughtMAKREDIPREPERE:
\"ForcountryI’mreadytofall;
Butnobodywants,foramereVivandiere,Tobeeaten,moustachiosandall!
\"Besides,thoughLAGUERREhashisfaults,I’llallowHe’soneofthebravestofmen:
Mygoodness!ifIdisagreewithhimnow,Imightdisagreewithhimthen。\"
\"NocowardamI,\"saidLAGUERRE,\"asyouguess—
Isneeratanenemy’sblade;
ButIdon’twantPREPEREtogetintoamessForsplashingthestonyparade!\"
OnedayonparadetoPREPEREandLAGUERRE
CameCORPORALJACOTDEBETTE,Andtremblingallover,heprayedofthemthereTogivehimtheprettyFILLETTE。