Contains：
RUPERTTHERESEMBLER[AfterRupertofHentzauandPrisonerofZenda]
THESTOLENCIGARCASEByA。CO——ND——LE
GOLLYANDTHECHRISTIAN，ORTHEMINXANDTHEMANXMAN
ByH——LLC——NE
THEADVENTURESOFJOHNLONGBOWE，YEOMAN
BEINGAMODERN—ANTIQUEREALISTICROMANCE
（COMPILEDFROMSEVERALEMINENTSOURCES）
DAN’LBOREMBYE。N——SW——T——T
STORIESTHREEBYR——DY——DK——PL——G
\"ZUT—SKI\"THEPROBLEMOFAWICKEDFEMESOLEBYM——R——EC——R——LLI
RUPERTTHERESEMBLER
BrA——TH——YH——PE
CHAPTERI
RUDOLPHOFTRULYRURALANIA
WhenIstatethatIwasownbrothertoLordBurleydon，hadanincomeoftwothousandayear，couldspeakallthepolitelanguagesfluently，wasapowerfulswordsman，agoodshot，andcouldrideanythingfromanelephanttoaclotheshorse，IreallythinkIhavesaidenoughtosatisfyanyfemininenovel—readerofBayswaterorSouthKensingtonthatIwasahero。Mybrother’swife，however，didnotseemtoinclinetothisbelief。
\"Amoreconceited，self—satisfiedlittlecadInevermetthanyou，\"
shesaid。\"Whydon’tyoutrytodosomethinginsteadofsneeringatotherswhodo？Younevertakeanythingseriously——exceptyourself，whichisn’tworthit。YouareproudofyourredhairandpeakednosejustbecauseyoufondlybelievethatyougotthemfromthePrinceofTrulyruralania，andarewillingtothinkevilofyourancestresstosatisfyyoursnobbishlittlesoul。Letmetellyou，sir，thattherewasnomoretruthaboutthatthantherewasinthatsillytalkofherpartialityforherhusband’sred—hairedgamekeeperinScotland。Ah!thatmakesyoustart——don’tit？ButI
havealwaysobservedthatamuleisapttorememberonlythehorsesideofhisancestry!\"
Whenevermyprettysister—in—lawtalksinthiswayIalwaystrytoforgetthatshecameofafamilyfarinferiortoourown，theRazorbills。Indeed，herpeople——oftheNonconformiststock——reallyhadnothingbutwealthandrectitude，andIthinkmybrotherBob，inhisgenuineloveforher，waswillingtooverlookthelatterforthesakeoftheformer。
Myprettysister—in—law’sinterestinmyaffairsalwaysmademebelievethatshesecretlyworshipedme——althoughitwasafact，aswillbeseenintheprogressofthisstory，thatmostwomenblushedonmyaddressingthem。Iusedtosayit\"wasthereflectionofmyredhaironatransparentcomplexion，\"whichwasratherneat——
wasn’tit？Andsubtle？Butthen，Iwasalwayssayingsuchsubtlethings。
\"MydearRose，\"Isaid，layingdownmyeggspoon（theeggspoonreallyhadnothingtodowiththisspeech，butitimpartedsuchadelightfullyrealisticflavortothescene），\"I’mnottoblameifI
resembletheS’helpburgs。\"
\"It’syourbeingsobeastlyproudofitthatIobjectto!\"shereplied。\"AndforHeaven’ssake，trytoBEsomething，andnotmerelyresemblethings!Thefactisyouresembletoomuch——you’reALWAYSresembling。Youresembleamanoffashion，andyou’renot；
awit，andyou’renot；asoldier，asportsman，ahero——andyou’renoneof’em。Altogether，you’renotintheleastconvincing。Now，listen!There’sagoodchanceforyoutogoasourattachewithLordMumblepeg，thenewAmbassadortoCochinChina。Inallthenovels，youknow，attachesarealwaystheconfidantsofGrandDuchesses，andknowmorestatesecretsthantheirchiefs；inreallife，Ibelievetheyaresomethinglikeacityclerkwithaleaningtoprivatetheatricals。Sayyou’llgo!Do!\"
\"I’lltakeafewmonths’holidayfirst，\"Ireplied，\"andthen，\"I
addedinmygay，dashingway，\"iftheplaceisopen——hangitifI
don’tgo!\"
\"Goodoldbounder!\"shesaid，\"anddon’tthinktoomuchofthatpreciousPrinceRupert。Hewasabadlot。\"
Sheblushedagainatme——asherhusbandentered。
\"TakeRose’sadvice，Rupert，myboy，\"hesaid，\"andgo!\"
AndthatishowIcametogotoTrulyruralania。ForIsecretlyresolvedtotakemyholidayintravelinginthatcountryandtrying，asdearLadyBurleydonputit，reallytobesomebody，insteadofresemblinganybodyinparticular。ApreciouslotSHE
knewaboutit!
CHAPTERII
INWHICHMYHAIRCAUSESALOTOFTHINGS
YougotoTrulyruralaniafromCharingCross。InpassingthroughPariswepickedupMlle。Beljambe，whowasgoingtoKohlslau，thecapitalofTrulyruralania，tomarrytheGrandDukeMichael，who，however，asIwasinformed，wasinlovewiththePrincessFlirtia。
Sheblushedonseeingme——but，Iwastoldafterwards，declinedbeingintroducedtomeonanyaccount。However，Ithoughtnothingofthis，andwentontoBock，thenextstationtoKohlslau。AtthelittleinnintheforestIwasinformedIwasjustintimetoseethecoronationofthenewkingthenextday。Thelandladyandherdaughterwereverycommunicative，and，afterthefashionofthesimple，guilelessstagepeasant，instantlyinformedmewhateverybodywasdoing，andatonceexplainedthesituation。ShetoldmethattheGrandDukeMichael——orBlackMichaelashewascalled——
himselfaspiredtothethrone，aswellastothehandofthePrincessFlirtia，butwashatedbythepopulace，whopreferredtheyoungheir，PrinceRupert；becausehehadthehairandfeaturesofthedynastyoftheS’helpburgs，\"which，\"sheadded，\"aresingularlylikeyourown。\"
\"Butisredhairsoverypeculiarhere？\"Iasked。
\"AmongtheJews——yes，sire!Imeanyes，SIR，\"shecorrectedherself。\"Youseldomseeared—headedJew。\"
\"TheJews!\"Irepeatedinastonishment。
\"OfcourseyouknowtheS’helpburgsaredescendeddirectlyfromSolomon——andhaveindeedsomeofhismatrimonialpeculiarities，\"
shesaid，blushing。
Iwasamazed——butrecalledmyself。\"ButwhydotheycalltheDukeofKohlslauBlackMichael？\"Iaskedcarelessly。
\"Becausebeisnearlyblack，sir。Yousee，whenthegreatPrinceRupertwentabroadintheoldtimehevisitedEngland，Scotland，andAfrica。TheysayhemarriedanAfricanladythere——andthattheDukeisreallymoreinthedirectlineofsuccessionthanPrinceRupert。\"
Butherethedaughtershowedmetomyroom。Sheblushed，ofcourse，andapologizedfornotbringingacandle，asshethoughtmyhairwassufficientlyilluminating。\"But，\"sheaddedwithanotherblush，\"IdoSOlikeit。\"
Irepliedbygivinghersomethingofnovalue，——aBelgiannickelwhichwouldn’tpassinBock，asIhadfoundtomycost。Butmyhairhadevidentlyattractedattentionfromothers，foronmyreturntotheguest—roomastrangerapproachedme，andinthepurestandmostpreciseGerman——theCourtor’OllandHofspeech——
addressedme：
\"HaveyoutheredhairofthefairKingorthehairofyourfather？\"
LuckilyIwasabletoreplywiththesamepurityandprecision：\"I
haveboththehairofthefairKingandmyown。ButIhavenotthehairofmyfathernorofBlackMichael，noroftheinnkeepernortheinnkeeper’swife。TheredHEIRofthefairKingwouldbeason。\"
PossiblythisdelicatemotontheapproachingmarriageoftheKingwaslostinthetranslation，forthestrangerstrodeabruptlyaway。
Ilearned，however，thattheKingwasactuallytheninBock，atthecastleafewmilesdistant，inthewoods。Iresolvedtostrollthither。
Itwasafineoldmediaevalstructure。ButasthesingularincidentsIamabouttorelatecombinetheromanticandadventurousatmosphereofthemiddleageswithalltheappliancesofmoderntimes，Imaybrieflystatethatthecastlewaslitbyelectricity，badfire—escapesoneachoftheturrets，fourlifts，andwasfittedupbyoneofthebestWestEndestablishments。Thesanitaryarrangementswereexcellent，andthedrainageofthemostperfectorder，asIhadreasontoknowpersonallylater。IwassoaffectedbythepeacefulsolitudethatIlaydownunderatreeandpresentlyfellasleep。Iwasawakenedbythesoundofvoices，and，lookingup，beheldtwomenbendingoverme。Onewasagrizzledveteran，andtheotherayoungerdandyfiedman；bothweredressedinshootingsuits。
\"Neversawsucharesemblancebeforeinallmylife，\"saidtheelderman。\"’Ponmysoul!iftheKinghadn’tgotshavedyesterdaybecausethePrincessFlirtiasaidhisbeardtickledher，I’dswearitwashe!\"
Icouldnothelpthinkinghowluckyitwas——forthisnarrative——
thattheKingHADshaved，otherwisemystorywouldhavedegeneratedintoamereComedyofErrors。Openingmyeyes，Isaidboldly：
\"NowthatyouaresatisfiedwhoIresemble，gentlemen，perhapsyouwilltellmewhoyouare？\"
\"Certainly，\"saidtheeldercurtly。\"IamSpitz——asimplecolonelofhisMajesty’s，yet，nevertheless，theonemanwhorunsthiswholedynasty——andthisyounggentlemanisFritz，mylieutenant。
Andyouare——？\"
\"MynameisRazorbill——brothertoLordBurleydon，\"Irepliedcalmly。
\"Goodheavens!anotherofthelot!\"hemuttered。Then，correctinghimself，hesaidbrusquely：\"AnyrelationtothatEnglishwomanwhowassosweetontheoldRupertcenturiesago？\"
Here，again，Isupposemysister—in—lawwouldhavehadmeknockdowntheforeigninsulterofmyEnglishancestress——butIcoloredtotherootsofmyhair，andevenfarther——withpleasureatthisproofofmyroyaldescent!Andthenacheeryvoicewasheardcalling\"Spitz!\"and\"Fritz!\"throughthewoods。
\"TheKing!\"saidSpitztoFritzquickly。\"Hemustnotseehim。\"
\"Toolate，\"saidFritz，asayoungmanboundedlightlyoutofthebushes。
Iwasthunderstruck!ItwasasifIhadsuddenlybeenconfrontedwithamirror——andbeheldmyself!Ofcoursehewasnotquitesogood—looking，orsotall，buthewasstillacolorableimitation!
Iwasdelighted。
Nevertheless，foramomenthedidnotseemtoreciprocatemyfeeling。Hestaredatme，staggeredbackandpassedhishandacrosshisforehead。\"Canitbe，\"hemutteredthickly，\"thatI’vegot’emagin？YetIonlyhad——shingleglash!\"
ButFritzquicklyinterposed。
\"YourMajestyisallright——though，\"headdedinalowervoice，\"letthisbeawarningtoyouforto—morrow!ThisgentlemanisMr。
Razorbill——youknowtheoldstoryoftheRazorbills？——Ha!ha!\"
ButtheKingdidnotlaugh；heextendedhishandandsaidgently，\"Youarewelcome——mycousin!\"Indeed，mysister—in—lawwouldhaveprobablysaidthat——dissipatedthoughhewas——hewastheonlygentlemanthere。
\"Ihavecometoseethecoronation，yourMajesty，\"Isaid。
\"Andyoushall，\"saidtheKingheartily，\"andshallgowithus!
Theshowcan’tbeginwithoutus——eh，Spitz？\"headdedplayfully，pokingtheveteranintheribs，\"whateverMichaelmaydo!\"
ThenhelinkedhisarmsinSpitz’sandmine。\"Let’sgotothehut——
andhavesomesupperandfizz，\"hesaidgayly。
Wewenttothehut。Wehadsupper。Weateanddrankheavily。Wedancedmadlyaroundthetable。NeverthelessIthoughtthatSpitzandFritzwereworriedbytheKing’spotations，andSpitzatlastwentsofarastoremindhisMajestythattheyweretostartearlyinthemorningforKohlslau。InoticedalsothatastheKingdrankhisspeechgrewthickerandSpitzandFritzexchangedglances。AtlastSpitzsaidwithsternsignificance：
\"YourMajestyhasnotforgottenthetestinvariablysubmittedtotheKingathiscoronation？\"
\"Shertenlynot，\"repliedtheKing，withhisrecklesslaugh。\"TheKingmushbeabletopronounsh——nameofhiscountry——intel—lillil—
gibly：mushshay（hic!）：’I’mKingof——Kingof——Tootoo—tooral—
looral—anyer。’\"Hestaggered，laughed，andfellunderthetable。
\"Hecannotsayit!\"gaspedFritzandSpitzinonevoice。\"Heislost!\"
\"Unless，\"saidFritzsuddenly，pointingatmewithaflashofintelligence，\"HEcanpersonatehim，andsayit。Canyou？\"heturnedtomebrusquely。
Itwasanawfulmoment。Ihadbeendrinkingheavilytoo，butI
resolvedtosucceed。\"I’mKingofTrooly—rooly——\"Imurmured；butIcouldnotmasterit——IstaggeredandfollowedtheKingunderthetable。
\"Istherenoonehere，\"roaredSpitz，\"whocanshavethishdynasty，andshay’Tooral——’？No!————it!Imean’Trularlooral——’\"buthe，too，lurchedhopelesslyforward。
\"Noonecansay’Tooral—looral——’\"mutteredFritz；and，graspingSpitzindespair，theybothrolledunderthetable。
Howlongwelaythere，Heavenknows!IwasawakenedbySpitzplayingthegardenhoseonme。Hewasbootedandspurred，withFritzbyhisside。TheKingwaslyingonabench，sayingfeebly：
\"Bleshyou，mychillen。\"
\"BypolitelyaccedingtoBlackMichael’srequestto’tryourone—
and—sixsherry，’hehasbeenbroughttothiscondition，\"saidSpitzbitterly。\"It’satricktokeephimfrombeingcrowned。InthiscountryiftheKingiscrownedwhiledrunk，thekingdominstantlyrevertstoavillain——nomatterwho。ButinthiscasethevillainisBlackMichael。Ha!Whatsayyou，lad？Shallwefrustratetherascal，byhavingYOUpersonatetheKing？\"
Iwas——well!——intoxicatedatthethought!Butwhatwouldmysister—in—lawsay？Wouldshe——inherNonconformistconscience——
consideritstrictlyhonorable？ButIsweptallscruplesaside。A
Kingwastobesaved!\"Iwillgo，\"Isaid。\"LetusontoKohlslau——ridinglikethewind!\"Werodelikethewind，furiously，madly。Mountedonawild，dashingbay——knownfamiliarlyasthe\"BayofBiscay\"fromitsroughturbulence——Ieasilykeptthelead。
Butourhorsesbegantofail。SuddenlySpitzhalted，clappedhishandtohishead，andthrewhimselffromhishorse。\"Fools!\"hesaid，\"weshouldhavetakenthetrain!Itwillgetthereanhourbeforewewill!\"Hepointedtoawaysidestationwherethe7。15
excursiontrainforKohlslauwaswaiting。
\"Buthowdreadfullyunmediaeval!——Whatwillthepublicsay？\"I
began。
\"Botherthepublic!\"hesaidgruffly。\"Who’srunningthisdynasty——
youorI？Come!\"WiththeassistanceofFritzhetiedupmyfacewithahandkerchieftosimulatetoothache，andthen，withashoutofdefiance，wethreerushedmadlyintoacloselypackedthird—
classcarriage。
NevershallIforgettheperils，thefatigue，thehopesandfearsofthatmadjourney。Panting，perspiring，packedtogetherwithcheaptrippers，butexaltedwiththeonehopeofsavingtheKing，weatlaststaggeredoutontheKohlslauplatformutterlyexhausted。Aswedidsoweheardadistantroarfromthecity。
Fritzturnedanashengray，Spitzalividblue。\"Arewetoolate？\"
hegasped，aswemadlyfoughtourwayintothestreet，whereshoutsof\"TheKing!TheKing!\"wererendingtheair。\"CanitbeBlackMichael？\"Butherethecrowdparted，andaprocession，precededbyoutriders，flashedintothesquare。Andthere，seatedinacarriagebesidethemostbeautifulred—hairedgirlIhadeverseen，wastheKing，——theKingwhomwehadlefttwohoursago，deaddrunkinthehutintheforest!
CHAPTERSIIITOXXII（Inclusive）
INWHICHTHINGSGETMIXED
Wereeledagainsteachotheraghast!Spitzrecoveredhimselffirst。\"Wemustfly!\"hesaidhoarsely。\"IftheKinghasdiscoveredourtrick——wearelost!\"
\"Butwhereshallwego？\"Iasked。
\"Backtothehut。\"
WecaughtthenexttraintoBock。Anhourlaterwestoodpantingwithinthehut。Itswallsandceilingweresplashedwithsinisterredstains。\"Blood!\"Iexclaimedjoyfully。\"Atlastwehavearealmediaevaladventure!\"
\"It’sBurgundy，youfool，\"growledSpitz；\"goodBurgundywasted!\"
AtthismomentFritzappeareddragginginthehut—keeper。
\"WhereistheKing？\"demandedSpitzfiercelyofthetremblingpeasant。
\"HewascarriedawayanhouragobyBlackMichaelandtakentothecastle。\"
\"AndwhendidheLEAVEthecastle？\"roaredSpitz。
\"Heneverleftthecastle，sir，and，alas!Ifearneverwill，alive!\"repliedtheman，shuddering。
Westaredateachother!Spitzbithisgrizzledmustache。\"So，\"
hesaidbitterly，\"BlackMichaelhassimplyanticipateduswiththesamegame!Wehavebeentricked。IknewitcouldnotbetheKingwhomtheycrowned!No!\"headdedquickly，\"Iseeitall——itwasRupertofGlasgow!\"
\"WhoisRupertofGlasgow？\"Icried。
\"Oh，Ireallycan’tgooverallthatfamilyrotagain，\"gruntedSpitz。\"Tellhim，Fritz。\"
Then，takingmeaside，FritzdelicatelyinformedmethatRupertofGlasgow——ayoungScotchman——claimedequallywithmyselfdescentfromtheoldRupert，andthatequallywithmyselfheresembledtheKing。ThatMichaelhadgotpossessionofhimonhisarrivalinthecountry，kepthimcloselyguardedinthecastle，andhadhidhisresemblanceinablackwigandfalsemustache；thattheyoungScotchman，however，seemedapparentlydevotedtoMichaelandhisplots；andtherewasundoubtedlysomesecretunderstandingbetweenthem。ThatitwasevidentlyMichael’stricktohavethepretendercrowned，andthen，byexposingthefraudandtheconditionoftherealKing，excitetheindignationofthedupedpeople，andseathimselfonthethrone!\"But，\"Iburstout，\"shallthisbase—bornpretenderremainatKohlslaubesidethebeautifulPrincessFlirtia？
LetustoKohlslauatonceandhurlhimfromthethrone!\"
\"Onepretenderisasgoodasanother，\"saidSpitzdryly。\"ButleaveHIMtome。’TistheKingwemustprotectandsuccor!AsforthatScotchspringald，beforemidnightIshallhavehimkidnaped，broughtbacktohismasterinaclosecarriage，andyou——YOUshalltakehisplaceatKohlslau。\"
\"Iwill，\"Isaidenthusiastically，drawingmysword；\"butIhavedonenothingyet。Pleaseletmekillsomething!\"
\"Aye，lad!\"saidSpitz，withagrimsmileatmyenthusiasm。
\"There’sasheepinyourpath。Gooutandcleaveittothesaddle。
Andbringthesaddlehome!\"
Mysister—in—lawmighthavethoughtmecruel——butIdidit。
CHAPXXIIIANDSOMEOTHERCHAPS
Iknownothowitwascompassed，butthatnightRupertofGlasgowwasleftboundandgaggedagainstthedoorofthecastle，andthenight—bellpulled。AndthatnightIwasseatedonthethroneoftheS’helpburgs。AsIgazedatthePrincessFlirtia，glowinginthecharacteristicbeautyoftheS’helpburgs，andadmiredherstrikingprofile，Imurmuredsoftlyandhalfaudibly：\"HernoseisasatowerthatlookethtowardDamascus。\"
Shelookedpuzzled，andknittedherprettybrows。\"Isthatpoetry？\"sheasked。
\"No\"Isaidpromptly。\"It’sonlypartofasongofourgreatAncestor。\"Assheblushedslightly，IplayfullyflungaroundherfairneckthejeweledcollaroftheOrderoftheS’helpburgs——threegoldenspherespendant，quarteredfromthearmsofLombardy———withtheancientSyricmotto，ElEssDee。
Shetoyedwithitamoment，andthensaidsoftly：\"Youhavechanged，Rupert。Doyenokenhoo？\"
Ilookedather——assurprisedatherdialectasattheimputation。
\"Youdon’ttalkthatway，asyoudid。Andyoudon’tsay，’ItWILL
betwelveo’clock，’whenyoumean，’ItIStwelveo’clock，’nor’I
willbegoingout，’whenyoumean’IAM。’Andyoudidn’tsay，’Eh，sirs!’or’Eh，mon，’toanyoftheCourt——nor’Hootawa!’noranyofthosethings。And，\"sheaddedwithadivinelittlepout，\"youhaven’ttoldmeIwas’sonsie’or’bonnie’once。\"
Icouldwithdifficultyrestrainmyself。Rage，indignation，andjealousyfilledmyheartalmosttobursting。Iunderstooditall；
thatrascallyScotchmanhadmadethemostofhistime，anddaredtogetaheadofme!IdidnotmindbeingtakenfortheKing，buttobeconfoundedwiththisinfernaldescendantofagamekeeper——wastoomuch!YetwithasuperhumaneffortIremainedcalm——andevensmiled。
\"Youarenotwell？\"saidthePrincessearnestly。\"IthoughtyouweretakingtoomuchoftheStrasbourgpieatsupper!Andyouarenotgoing，surely——sosoon？\"sheadded，asIrose。
\"Imustgoatonce，\"Isaid。\"IhaveforgottensomeimportantbusinessatBock。\"
\"Notboarhuntingagain？\"shesaidpoutingly。
\"No，I’mhuntingareddear，\"Isaidwiththatplayfulsubtletywhichwouldmakehertakeitasapersonalcompliment，thoughIwasonlythinkingofthatimpostor，andlongingtogetathim，asI
bowedandwithdrew。
InanotherhourIwasbeforeBlackMichael’scastleatBock。Thesearelightningchanges，Iknow——andthesovereigntyofTrulyruralaniaWASsomewhatitinerant——butwhenakingdomandabeautifulPrincessareatstake，whatareyoutodo？Fritzhadbeggedmetotakehimalong，butIarrangedthatheshouldcomelater，andgoupunostentatiouslyinthelift。Iwasgoingbywayofthemoat。IwastosuccortheKing，butIfearmyrealobjectwastogetatRupertofGlasgow。
Ihadnoticedthedaybeforethatalargeoutsidedrainpipe，decreedbytheBockCountyCouncil，ranfromthemoattothethirdfloorofthedonjonkeep。IsurmisedthattheKingwasimprisonedonthatfloor。Examiningthepipeclosely，Isawthatitwasreallyapneumaticdispatchtube，forsecretlyconveyinglettersanddispatchesfromthecastlethroughthemoatbeyondthecastlewalls。Itsextraordinarysize，however，gavemethehorribleconvictionthatitwastobeusedtoconveythedeadbodyoftheKingtothemoat。Igrewcoldwithhorror——butIwasdetermined。
Icreptupthepipe。AsIexpected，itopenedfunnel—wiseintoaroomwherethepoorKingwasplayingpokerwithBlackMichael。Ittookmebutamomenttodashthroughthewindowintotheroom，pushtheKingaside，gagandbindBlackMichael，andlowerhimbyastoutropeintothepipehehaddestinedforanother。Havinghiminmypower，IloweredhimuntilIheardhisbodysplashinthewaterinthelowerpartofthepipe。ThenIproceededtodrawhimupagain，intendingtoquestionhiminregardtoRupertofGlasgow。
Butthiswasdifficult，ashissaturatedclothingmadehimfitthesmoothpipeclosely。AtlastIhadhimpartlyup，whenIwasamazedatarushofwaterfromthepipewhichfloodedtheroom。I
droppedhimandpulledhimupagainwiththesameresult。TheninaflashIsawitall。Hisbody，actinglikeapistoninthepipe，hadconverteditintoapowerfulpump。Madwithjoy，Irapidlyloweredandpulledhimupagainandagain，untilthecastlewasflooded——andthemoatcompletelydrained!IhadcreatedthediversionIwished；thetenantsofthecastleweredisorganizedandbewilderedintryingtoescapefromthedeluge，andthemoatwasaccessibletomyfriends。PlacingthepoorKingonatabletobeoutofthewater，andtyinguphisheadinmyhandkerchieftodisguisehimfromMichael’sguards，IdrewmyswordandplungeddownstairswiththecataractinsearchofthemiscreantRupert。I
reachedthedrawbridge，whenIheardthesoundsoftumultandwastwicefiredat，——once，asIhavesincelearned，bymyfriends，undertheimpressionthatIwastheescapingRupertofGlasgow，andoncebyBlackMichael’smyrmidons，underthebeliefthatIwastheKing。Iwasstruckbythefactthattheseresemblanceswereconfusingandunfortunate!Atthismoment，however，Icaughtsightofakiltedfigureleapingfromalowerwindowintothemoat。Someinstinctimpelledmetofollowit。Itrapidlycrossedthemoatandplungedintotheforest，withmeinpursuit。Igaineduponit；
suddenlyitturned，andIfoundmyselfagainconfrontedwithMYSELF——andapparentlytheKing!ButthatveryresemblancemademerecognizetheScotchpretender，RupertofGlasgow。Yethewouldhavebeencalleda\"brawladdie，\"andhishandsomefaceshowedalaughinggoodhumor，evenwhileheopposedme，claymoreinhand。
\"Bideawee，MaisterRupertRazorbill，\"hesaidlightly，loweringhissword，\"beforeweslitaneanither’sweasands。I’mnoclaimin’
anydescentfraekings，andI’mnoacceptin’anyauldwife’sclaversagainstmywomenforbears，asyeare!I’mjustpaidgudehonestsillerbyBlackMichaelfortheusingofmafaceandfigure——
sictimeashisMajestyistaeworsefraetrink!AndI’mcommeesionedfraeMichaeltoaskyewhatpriceYEwouldtaketojoinmeinperformingtheseduties——turnandturnaboot。Eh，laddie——buthewouldpayyemairthanthatdaftbeggar，Spitz。\"
Rageanddisgustoverpoweredme。\"AndTHISismyanswer，\"Isaid，rushinguponhim。
IhavesaidearlierinthesepagesthatIwasa\"strong\"swordsman。
Inpointoffact，Ihadcarefullystudiedinthetranspontinetheatresthatformofmelodramaticmediaevalsword—playknownas\"twoupandtwodown。\"Tomydisgust，however，thiswretchedScotchmandidnotseemtounderstandit，butinatwinklingsentmyswordflyingovermyhead。BeforeIcouldrecoverit，hehadmountedahorsereadysaddledinthewood，and，shoutingtomethathewouldtakemy\"compleements\"tothePrincess，gallopedaway。
EventhenIwouldhavepursuedhimafoot，but，hearingshoutsbehindme，IturnedasSpitzandFritzrodeup。
\"HastheKingescapedtoKohlslau？\"askedFritz，staringatme。
\"No，\"Isaid，\"butRupertofGlasgow\"——
\"——RupertofGlasgow，\"growledSpitz。\"We’vesettledhim!He’sgaggedandboundandisnowonhiswaytothefrontierinaclosecarriage。\"
\"Rupert——onhiswaytothefrontier？\"Igasped。
\"Yes。Twoofmymenfoundhim，disguisedwithahandkerchiefoverhisface，tryingtoescapefromthecastle。AndwhilewewerelookingfortheKing，whomwesupposedwaswithyou，theyhavesenttherascallyScotchmanhome。\"
\"Fool!\"Igasped。\"RupertofGlasgowhasjustleftme!YOUHAVE
DEPORTEDYOUROWNKING。\"Andovercomebymysuperhumanexertions，Isankunconscioustotheground。
WhenIcameto，Ifoundmyselfinawagonlit，speedingbeyondtheTrulyruralaniafrontier。OnmyberthwaslyingamissivewiththesealoftheS’helpburgs。TearingitopenIrecognizedthehandwritingofthePrincessFlirtia。
MYDEARRUPERT，——Owingtotheconfusionthatarisesfromtherebeingsomanyofyou，IhaveconcludedtoacceptthehandoftheDukeMichael。ImaynotbecomeaQueen，butIshallbringresttomycountry，andMichaelassuresmeinhisplayfulmannerthat\"threeofakind，\"\"evenofthesamecolor，\"donotalwayswinatpoker。ItwilltranquilizeyousomewhattoknowthattheLordChancellorassuresmethatonexaminingtherecordsofthedynastyhefindsthatmyancestorRupertneverlefthiskingdomduringhisentirereign，andthatconsequentlyyourancestresshasbeengrosslymaligned。IamsendingtypewrittencopiesofthistoRupertofGlasgowandtheKing。Farewell。
FLIRTIA。
Onceayear，atChristmastide，IreceiveasimpleforeignhamperviaCharingCross，marked\"Returnempty。\"Itakeitinsilencetomyownroom，andthere，openingit，Ifind——unseenbyanyothereyesbutmyown——amodestpatedefoiegras，ofthekindIatewiththePrincessFlirtia。Itakeoutthepate，replacethelabel，andhavethehamperreconveyedtoCharingCross。
THESTOLENCIGARCASE
ByA。CO——ND——LE
IfoundHemlockJonesintheoldBrookStreetlodgings，musingbeforethefire。WiththefreedomofanoldfriendIatoncethrewmyselfinmyusualfamiliarattitudeathisfeet，andgentlycaressedhisboot。Iwasinducedtodothisfortworeasons：one，thatitenabledmetogetagoodlookathisbent，concentratedface，andtheother，thatitseemedtoindicatemyreverenceforhissuperhumaninsight。Soabsorbedwasheeventhen，intrackingsomemysteriousclue，thathedidnotseemtonoticeme。ButthereinIwaswrong——asIalwayswasinmyattempttounderstandthatpowerfulintellect。
\"Itisraining，\"hesaid，withoutliftinghishead。
\"Youhavebeenout，then？\"Isaidquickly。
\"No。ButIseethatyourumbrellaiswet，andthatyourovercoathasdropsofwateronit。\"
Isataghastathispenetration。Afterapausehesaidcarelessly，asifdismissingthesubject：\"Besides，Iheartherainonthewindow。Listen。\"
Ilistened。Icouldscarcelycreditmyears，buttherewasthesoftpatteringofdropsonthepanes。Itwasevidenttherewasnodeceivingthisman!
\"Haveyoubeenbusylately？\"Iasked，changingthesubject。\"Whatnewproblem——givenupbyScotlandYardasinscrutable——hasoccupiedthatgiganticintellect？\"
Hedrewbackhisfootslightly，andseemedtohesitateerehereturnedittoitsoriginalposition。Thenheansweredwearily：
\"Meretrifles——nothingtospeakof。ThePrinceKupolihasbeenheretogetmyadviceregardingthedisappearanceofcertainrubiesfromtheKremlin；theRajahofPootibad，aftervainlybeheadinghisentirebodyguard，hasbeenobligedtoseekmyassistancetorecoverajeweledsword。TheGrandDuchessofPretzel—BrauntswigisdesirousofdiscoveringwhereherhusbandwasonthenightofFebruary14；andlastnight\"——heloweredhisvoiceslightly——\"alodgerinthisveryhouse，meetingmeonthestairs，wantedtoknowwhytheydidn’tanswerhisbell。\"
Icouldnothelpsmiling——untilIsawafrowngatheringonhisinscrutableforehead。
\"Prayremember，\"hesaidcoldly，\"thatitwasthroughsuchanapparentlytrivialquestionthatIfoundoutWhyPaulFerrollKilledHisWife，andWhatHappenedtoJones!\"
Ibecamedumbatonce。Hepausedforamoment，andthensuddenlychangingbacktohisusualpitiless，analyticalstyle，hesaid：
\"WhenIsaythesearetrifles，theyaresoincomparisontoanaffairthatisnowbeforeme。Acrimehasbeencommitted，——and，singularlyenough，againstmyself。Youstart，\"hesaid。\"Youwonderwhowouldhavedaredtoattemptit。SodidI；nevertheless，ithasbeendone。IhavebeenROBBED!\"
YOUrobbed!You，HemlockJones，theTerrorofPeculators!\"I
gaspedinamazement，arisingandgrippingthetableasIfacedhim。
\"Yes!Listen。Iwouldconfessittonoother。ButYOUwhohavefollowedmycareer，whoknowmymethods；you，forwhomIhavepartlyliftedtheveilthatconcealsmyplansfromordinaryhumanity，——you，whohaveforyearsrapturouslyacceptedmyconfidences，passionatelyadmiredmyinductionsandinferences，placedyourselfatmybeckandcall，becomemyslave，groveledatmyfeet，givenupyourpracticeexceptthosefewunremunerativeandrapidlydecreasingpatientstowhom，inmomentsofabstractionoverMYproblems，youhaveadministeredstrychnineforquinineandarsenicforEpsomsalts；you，whohavesacrificedanythingandeverybodytome，——YOUImakemyconfidant!\"
Iaroseandembracedhimwarmly，yethewasalreadysoengrossedinthoughtthatatthesamemomenthemechanicallyplacedhishanduponhiswatchchainasiftoconsultthetime。\"Sitdown，\"hesaid。\"Haveacigar？\"
\"Ihavegivenupcigarsmoking，\"Isaid。
\"Why？\"heasked。
Ihesitated，andperhapscolored。Ihadreallygivenitupbecause，withmydiminishedpractice，itwastooexpensive。I
couldaffordonlyapipe。\"Ipreferapipe，\"Isaidlaughingly。
\"Buttellmeofthisrobbery。Whathaveyoulost？\"
Hearose，andplantinghimselfbeforethefirewithhishandsunderhiscoattails，lookeddownuponmereflectivelyforamoment。\"DoyourememberthecigarcasepresentedtomebytheTurkishAmbassadorfordiscoveringthemissingfavoriteoftheGrandVizierinthefifthchorusgirlattheHilarityTheatre？Itwasthatone。
Imeanthecigarcase。Itwasincrustedwithdiamonds。\"
\"Andthelargestonehadbeensupplantedbypaste，\"Isaid。
\"Ah，\"hesaid，withareflectivesmile，youknowthat？\"
\"Youtoldmeyourself。Irememberconsideringitaproofofyourextraordinaryperception。But，byJove，youdon’tmeantosayyouhavelostit？\"
Hewassilentforamoment。\"No；ithasbeenstolen，itistrue，butIshallstillfindit。Andbymyselfalone!Inyourprofession，mydearfellow，whenamemberisseriouslyill，hedoesnotprescribeforhimself，butcallsinabrotherdoctor。Thereinwediffer。Ishalltakethismatterinmyownhands。\"
\"Andwherecouldyoufindbetter？\"Isaidenthusiastically。\"I
shouldsaythecigarcaseisasgoodasrecoveredalready。\"
\"Ishallremindyouofthatagain，\"hesaidlightly。\"Andnow，toshowyoumyconfidenceinyourjudgment，inspiteofmydeterminationtopursuethisalone，Iamwillingtolistentoanysuggestionsfromyou。\"
Hedrewamemorandumbookfromhispocketand，withagravesmile，tookuphispencil。
Icouldscarcelybelievemysenses。He，thegreatHemlockJones，acceptingsuggestionsfromahumbleindividuallikemyself!I
kissedhishandreverently，andbeganinajoyoustone：
\"First，Ishouldadvertise，offeringareward；Ishouldgivethesameintimationinhand—bills，distributedatthe’pubs’andthepastry—cooks’。Ishouldnextvisitthedifferentpawnbrokers；I
shouldgivenoticeatthepolicestation。Ishouldexaminetheservants。Ishouldthoroughlysearchthehouseandmyownpockets。
Ispeakrelatively，\"Iadded，withalaugh。\"OfcourseImeanYOUR
own。\"
Hegravelymadeanentryofthesedetails。
\"Perhaps，\"Iadded，\"youhavealreadydonethis？\"
\"Perhaps，\"hereturnedenigmatically。\"Now，mydearfriend，\"hecontinued，puttingthenote—bookinhispocketandrising，\"wouldyouexcusemeforafewmoments？MakeyourselfperfectlyathomeuntilIreturn；theremaybesomethings，\"headdedwithasweepofhishandtowardhisheterogeneouslyfilledshelves，\"thatmayinterestyouandwhileawaythetime。Therearepipesandtobaccointhatcorner。\"
Thennoddingtomewiththesameinscrutablefacehelefttheroom。
Iwastoowellaccustomedtohismethodstothinkmuchofhisunceremoniouswithdrawal，andmadenodoubthewasofftoinvestigatesomecluewhichhadsuddenlyoccurredtohisactiveintelligence。
LefttomyselfIcastacursoryglanceoverhisshelves。Therewereanumberofsmallglassjarscontainingearthysubstances，labeled\"PavementandRoadSweepings，\"fromtheprincipalthoroughfaresandsuburbsofLondon，withthesub—directions\"foridentifyingfoot—tracks。\"Therewereseveralotherjars，labeled\"FlufffromOmnibusandRoadCarSeats，\"\"CocoanutFibreandRopeStrandsfromMattingsinPublicPlaces，\"\"CigaretteStumpsandMatchEndsfromFloorofPalaceTheatre，RowA，1to50。\"
Everywherewereevidencesofthiswonderfulman’ssystemandperspicacity。
IwasthusengagedwhenIheardtheslightcreakingofadoor，andIlookedupasastrangerentered。Hewasarough—lookingman，withashabbyovercoatandastillmoredisreputablemuffleraroundhisthroatandthelowerpartofhisface。Considerablyannoyedathisintrusion，Iturneduponhimrathersharply，when，withamumbled，growlingapologyformistakingtheroom，heshuffledoutagainandclosedthedoor。Ifollowedhimquicklytothelandingandsawthathedisappeareddownthestairs。Withmymindfulloftherobbery，theincidentmadeasingularimpressionuponme。I
knewmyfriend’shabitofhastyabsencesfromhisroominhismomentsofdeepinspiration；itwasonlytooprobablethat，withhispowerfulintellectandmagnificentperceptivegeniusconcentratedononesubject，heshouldbecarelessofhisownbelongings，andnodoubtevenforgettotaketheordinaryprecautionoflockinguphisdrawers。ItriedoneortwoandfoundthatIwasright，althoughforsomereasonIwasunabletoopenonetoitsfullestextent。Thehandlesweresticky，asifsomeonehadopenedthemwithdirtyfingers。KnowingHemlock’sfastidiouscleanliness，Iresolvedtoinformhimofthiscircumstance，butI
forgotit，alas!until——butIamanticipatingmystory。
Hisabsencewasstrangelyprolonged。Iatlastseatedmyselfbythefire，andlulledbywarmthandthepatteroftherainonthewindow，Ifellasleep。Imayhavedreamt，forduringmysleepI
hadavaguesemi—consciousnessasofhandsbeingsoftlypressedonmypockets——nodoubtinducedbythestoryoftherobbery。WhenI
camefullytomysenses，IfoundHemlockJonessittingontheothersideofthehearth，hisdeeplyconcentratedgazefixedonthefire。
\"IfoundyousocomfortablyasleepthatIcouldnotbeartoawakenyou，\"hesaid，withasmile。
Irubbedmyeyes。\"Andwhatnews？\"Iasked。\"Howhaveyousucceeded？\"
\"BetterthanIexpected，\"hesaid，\"andIthink，\"headded，tappinghisnote—book，\"IowemuchtoYOU。\"
Deeplygratified，Iawaitedmore。Butinvain。IoughttohaverememberedthatinhismoodsHemlockJoneswasreticenceitself。I
toldhimsimplyofthestrangeintrusion，butheonlylaughed。
Later，whenIarosetogo，helookedatmeplayfully。\"Ifyouwereamarriedman，\"hesaid，\"Iwouldadviseyounottogohomeuntilyouhadbrushedyoursleeve。Thereareafewshortbrownsealskinhairsontheinnersideofyourforearm，justwheretheywouldhaveadheredifyourarmhadencircledaseal—skincoatwithsomepressure!\"
\"Foronceyouareatfault，\"Isaidtriumphantly；\"thehairismyown，asyouwillperceive；Ihavejusthaditcutatthehairdresser’s，andnodoubtthisarmprojectedbeyondtheapron。\"
Hefrownedslightly，yet，nevertheless，onmyturningtogoheembracedmewarmly——arareexhibitioninthatmanofice。Heevenhelpedmeonwithmyovercoatandpulledoutandsmootheddowntheflapsofmypockets。Hewasparticular，too，infittingmyarminmyovercoatsleeve，shakingthesleevedownfromthearmholetothecuffwithhisdeftfingers。\"Comeagainsoon!\"hesaid，clappingmeontheback。
\"Atanyandalltimes，\"Isaidenthusiastically；\"Ionlyasktenminutestwiceadaytoeatacrustatmyoffice，andfourhours’
sleepatnight，andtherestofmytimeisdevotedtoyoualways，asyouknow。\"
\"Itisindeed，\"hesaid，withhisimpenetrablesmile。
Nevertheless，IdidnotfindhimathomewhenInextcalled。Oneafternoon，whennearingmyownhome，Imethiminoneofhisfavoritedisguises，——alongblueswallow—tailedcoat，stripedcottontrousers，largeturn—overcollar，blackedface，andwhitehat，carryingatambourine。Ofcoursetoothersthedisguisewasperfect，althoughitwasknowntomyself，andIpassedhim——
accordingtoanoldunderstandingbetweenus——withouttheslightestrecognition，trustingtoalaterexplanation。Atanothertime，asIwasmakingaprofessionalvisittothewifeofapublicanattheEastEnd，Isawhim，inthedisguiseofabroken—downartisan，lookingintothewindowofanadjacentpawnshop。Iwasdelightedtoseethathewasevidentlyfollowingmysuggestions，andinmyjoyIventuredtotiphimawink；itwasabstractedlyreturned。
TwodayslaterIreceivedanoteappointingameetingathislodgingsthatnight。Thatmeeting，alas!wastheonememorableoccurrenceofmylife，andthelastmeetingIeverhadwithHemlockJones!Iwilltrytosetitdowncalmly，thoughmypulsesstillthrobwiththerecollectionofit。
Ifoundhimstandingbeforethefire，withthatlookuponhisfacewhichIhadseenonlyonceortwiceinouracquaintance——alookwhichImaycallanabsoluteconcatenationofinductiveanddeductiveratiocination——fromwhichallthatwashuman，tender，orsympatheticwasabsolutelydischarged。Hewassimplyanicyalgebraicsymbol!Indeed，hiswholebeingwasconcentratedtothatextentthathisclothesfittedloosely，andhisheadwasabsolutelysomuchreducedinsizebyhismentalcompressionthathishattippedbackfromhisforeheadandliterallyhungonhismassiveears。
AfterIhadenteredhelockedthedoors，fastenedthewindows，andevenplacedachairbeforethechimney。AsIwatchedthesesignificantprecautionswithabsorbinginterest，hesuddenlydrewarevolverand，presentingittomytemple，saidinlow，icytones：
\"Handoverthatcigarcase!\"
Eveninmybewildermentmyreplywastruthful，spontaneous，andinvoluntary。\"Ihaven’tgotit，\"Isaid。
Hesmiledbitterly，andthrewdownhisrevolver。\"Iexpectedthatreply!Thenletmenowconfrontyouwithsomethingmoreawful，moredeadly，morerelentlessandconvincingthanthatmerelethalweapon，——thedamninginductiveanddeductiveproofsofyourguilt!\"
Hedrewfromhispocketarollofpaperandanote—book。
\"Butsurely，\"Igasped，\"youarejoking!Youcouldnotforamomentbelieve\"——
\"Silence!Sitdown!\"Iobeyed。
\"Youhavecondemnedyourself，\"hewentonpitilessly。\"Condemnedyourselfonmyprocesses，——processesfamiliartoyou，applaudedbyyou，acceptedbyyouforyears!Wewillgobacktothetimewhenyoufirstsawthecigarcase。Yourexpressions，\"hesaidincold，deliberatetones，consultinghispaper，were，’Howbeautiful!I
wishitweremine。’Thiswasyourfirststepincrime——andmyfirstindication。From’IWISHitweremine’to’IWILLhaveitmine，’andthemeredetail，’HOWCANImakeitmine？’theadvancewasobvious。Silence!Butasinmymethodsitwasnecessarythatthereshouldbeanoverwhelminginducementtothecrime，thatunholyadmirationofyoursforthemeretrinketitselfwasnotenough。Youareasmokerofcigars。\"
\"But，\"Iburstoutpassionately，\"ItoldyouIhadgivenupsmokingcigars。\"
\"Fool!\"hesaidcoldly，\"thatistheSECONDtimeyouhavecommittedyourself。Ofcourseyoutoldme!WhatmorenaturalthanforyoutoblazonforththatpreparedandunsolicitedstatementtoPREVENT
accusation。Yet，asIsaidbefore，eventhatwretchedattempttocoverupyourtrackswasnotenough。Istillhadtofindthatoverwhelming，impellingmotivenecessarytoaffectamanlikeyou。
ThatmotiveIfoundinthestrongestofallimpulses——Love，I
supposeyouwouldcallit，\"headdedbitterly，\"thatnightyoucalled!Youhadbroughtthemostconclusiveproofsofitonyoursleeve。\"
\"But——\"Ialmostscreamed。
\"Silence!\"hethundered。\"Iknowwhatyouwouldsay。YouwouldsaythatevenifyouhadembracedsomeYoungPersoninasealskincoat，whathadthattodowiththerobbery？Letmetellyou，then，thatthatsealskincoatrepresentedthequalityandcharacterofyourfatalentanglement!Youbarteredyourhonorforit——thatstolencigarcasewasthepurchaserofthesealskincoat!
\"Silence!Havingthoroughlyestablishedyourmotive，Inowproceedtothecommissionofthecrimeitself。Ordinarypeoplewouldhavebegunwiththat——withanattempttodiscoverthewhereaboutsofthemissingobject。ThesearenotMYmethods。\"
Sooverpoweringwashispenetrationthat，althoughIknewmyselfinnocent，Ilickedmylipswithaviditytohearthefurtherdetailsofthislucidexpositionofmycrime。
\"YoucommittedthattheftthenightIshowedyouthecigarcase，andafterIhadcarelesslythrownitinthatdrawer。Youweresittinginthatchair，andIhadarisentotakesomethingfromthatshelf。Inthatinstantyousecuredyourbootywithoutrising。
Silence!DoyourememberwhenIhelpedyouonwithyourovercoattheothernight？Iwasparticularaboutfittingyourarmin。
WhiledoingsoImeasuredyourarmwithaspringtapemeasure，fromtheshouldertothecuff。Alatervisittoyourtailorconfirmedthatmeasurement。ItprovedtobeTHEEXACTDISTANCEBETWEENYOUR
CHAIRANDTHATDRAWER!\"
Isatstunned。
\"Therestaremerecorroborativedetails!YouwereagaintamperingwiththedrawerwhenIdiscoveredyoudoingso!Donotstart!Thestrangerthatblunderedintotheroomwithamuffleron——wasmyself!More，IhadplacedalittlesoaponthedrawerhandleswhenIpurposelyleftyoualone。ThesoapwasonyourhandwhenI
shookitatparting。Isoftlyfeltyourpockets，whenyouwereasleep，forfurtherdevelopments。Iembracedyouwhenyouleft——
thatImightfeelifyouhadthecigarcaseoranyotherarticleshiddenonyourbody。ThisconfirmedmeinthebeliefthatyouhadalreadydisposedofitinthemannerandforthepurposeIhaveshownyou。AsIstillbelievedyoucapableofremorseandconfession，ItwiceallowedyoutoseeIwasonyourtrack：onceinthegarbofanitinerantnegrominstrel，andthesecondtimeasaworkmanlookinginthewindowofthepawnshopwhereyoupledgedyourbooty。\"
\"But，\"Iburstout，\"ifyouhadaskedthepawnbroker，youwouldhaveseenhowunjust\"——
\"Fool!\"hehissed，\"thatwasoneofYOURsuggestions——tosearchthepawnshops!DoyousupposeIfollowedanyofyoursuggestions，thesuggestionsofthethief？Onthecontrary，theytoldmewhattoavoid。\"
\"AndIsuppose，\"Isaidbitterly，\"youhavenotevensearchedyourdrawer？\"
\"No，\"hesaidcalmly。
Iwasforthefirsttimereallyvexed。Iwenttothenearestdrawerandpulleditoutsharply。Itstuckasithadbefore，leavingapartofthedrawerunopened。Byworkingit，however，I
discoveredthatitwasimpededbysomeobstaclethathadslippedtotheupperpartofthedrawer，andhelditfirmlyfast。Insertingmyhand，Ipulledouttheimpedingobject。Itwasthemissingcigarcase!Iturnedtohimwithacryofjoy。
ButIwasappalledathisexpression。Alookofcontemptwasnowaddedtohisacute，penetratinggaze。\"Ihavebeenmistaken，\"hesaidslowly；\"Ihadnotallowedforyourweaknessandcowardice!I
thoughttoohighlyofyoueveninyourguilt!ButIseenowwhyyoutamperedwiththatdrawertheothernight。Bysomeinexplicablemeans——possiblyanothertheft——youtookthecigarcaseoutofpawnand，likeawhippedhound，restoredittomeinthisfeeble，clumsyfashion。Youthoughttodeceiveme，HemlockJones!
More，youthoughttodestroymyinfallibility。Go!Igiveyouyourliberty。Ishallnotsummonthethreepolicemenwhowaitintheadjoiningroom——butoutofmysightforever!\"
AsIstoodoncemoredazedandpetrified，hetookmefirmlybytheearandledmeintothehall，closingthedoorbehindhim。Thisreopenedpresently，wideenoughtopermithimtothrustoutmyhat，overcoat，umbrella，andovershoes，andthenclosedagainstmeforever!
Ineversawhimagain。Iamboundtosay，however，thatthereaftermybusinessincreased，Irecoveredmuchofmyoldpractice，andafewofmypatientsrecoveredalso。Ibecamerich。IhadabroughamandahouseintheWestEnd。ButIoftenwondered，ponderingonthatwonderfulman’spenetrationandinsight，if，insomelapseofconsciousness，Ihadnotreallystolenhiscigarcase!
GOLLYANDTHECHRISTIAN，OR
THEMINXANDTHEMANXMAN
ByH——LLC——NE
BOOKI
GollyCoylewastheonlygranddaughterofavagueandsomewhatsimpleclergymanwhoexisted，withanaunt，solelyforGolly’sepistolarypurposes。Therewas，ofcourse，intermediateancestry，——
notablyadeadmotherwhowasFrench，andthereforeresponsibleforanylaternaughtinessinGolly，——buttheyhavenopurposehere。
TheylivedintheIsleofMan。GollyknewagooddealofMan，forevenattheageoftwelveshewasinlovewithJohnGale——onlysonofLordGale，whowasconnectedwiththeTempests。Gales，however，werefrequentandremarkablealongthecoast，sothatitwasnotsingularthatonedayshefoundJohn\"comingon\"onaheadlandwhereshewassitting。Hisdoghad\"pointed\"her。\"It’sexceedinglyimpolitetopointtoanythingyouwant，\"saidGolly。
Touchedbythis，andovercomebyastrangeemotion，JohnGaleturnedawayandwenttoCanada。Slightastheincidentwas，itshowedthatinbornchivalrytowomen，thatdesireforthePerfectLife，thatintenseeagernesstoincarnateChristianityinmodernsociety，whichafterwarddistinguishedhim。Gollylovedhim!Forallthat，shestillremaineda\"tomboy\"asshewas，——robbingorchards，mimickingtrampsandpolicemen，butteringthestairsandthestepsofhouses，tyingkettlestodogs’tails，andmarchinginawhitejersey，withthecurate’shaton，throughthestreetsofthevillage。\"Goldernmyskin!\"saidthedearoldclergyman，ashetriedtoemergefromasurplicewhichGollyhadstitchedtogether；\"whatspiritsthechildDOhave!\"Yeteverybodylovedher!AndwhenJohnGalereturnedfromCanada，andlookedintoherbigblueeyesonedayatchurch，smallwonderthatheimmediatelywentoffagaintoParis，andanextendedContinentalsojourn，withaseriousleaningtotheology!Gollyborehisabsencemeeklybutcharacteristically；gotaboat，disportedlikeaduckinthewater，attemptedtoelopewithaboyappropriatelynamedDrake，butencounteredahalfgaleatseaandawholeGaleinJohnonayacht，whorescuedthemboth。ConvincednowthattherewasbutonewaytoescapefromhisFate——Golly!——JohnGaletookholyordersandatoncestartedforLondon。Ashestoodonthedeckofthesteamerheheardanimbecilechuckleinhisear。Itwasthesimpleoldclergyman：\"YouaregoingtoLondontojointheChurch，John；Gollyisgoingthere，too，ashospitalnurse。There’sapairofyou!
He!he!Lookafterher，John，andprotectherManxsimplicity。\"
BeforeJohncouldrecoverhimself，Gollywasathissideexecutingthefinalstepsofa\"cellar—doorflapjig\"tothelight—heartedrefrain：——
\"Weareasimplefamily——weare——weare——weare!\"
Andevenasherpureyoungvoicearoseabovethescreamsofthedeparturewhistle，shethrewadoubleback—somersaultonthequarterdeck，cleverlyalightingonthespikesofthewheelbeforethedelightedcaptain。
\"Jinglemyelectricbells，\"besaid，lookingatthebrightyoungthing，\"butyou’rearegularminx——\"
\"Ibegyourpardon，\"interruptedJohnGale，withaquickflush。
\"ImeanaregularMANX，\"saidthecaptainhurriedly。
AsingularpalenesscrossedthedeeplyreligiousfaceofJohn。Asthevesselroseonthewaves，hepassedhishandhurriedlyfirstacrosshisbrowsandthenoverhishigh—buttonedclericalwaistcoat，thatvisiblesignofadevotedasceticlife!Thenmurmuringinhislow，deepvoice，\"Brandy，steward，\"hedisappearedbelow。
BOOKII
GloriousaswereGolly’sspirits，exquisitelysimpleherworldlyignorance，andirresistibleherpowersofmimicry，strangelyenoughtheywereconsideredoutofplaceinSt。Barabbas’Hospital。A
light—hearteddispositiontomistakeablisterforapoultice；thatrareManxconscientiousnesswhichmadehergivedoubledosestothepatientsasacompensationwhenshehadomittedtogivethemasingleone，andthefacultyofburstingintosongatthebedsideofadyingpatient，producedsomelivelinessnotunmixedwithperplexityamongthehospitalstaff。Itistrue，however，thatherperformanceofclog—dancingduringthenight—watchesdrewalargerandmorepersistentattendanceofstudentsandyoungsurgeonsthaneverwasseenbefore。Yeteverybodylovedher!Evenherpatients!
\"Ifitamoosesyou，miss，tomakemetykethepillswot’smeantforthelydyinthenextward，Iain’tcomplyning，\"saidanEastEndnewsboy。\"Whenyetykeoffthestyleofthedoctorwotwisitsme，miss，andimitateshiswyes，Lawd!itdoesmeasmuchgoodashismixtures，\"saidaconsumptivecharwoman。Eventhus，oldandyoungbaskedintheradiantyouthofGolly。Shefoundtimetowritetoherfamily：——
DEAROLDPALS!I’mhere。J’ysuis!betyourboots!Whileyou’rewonderingwhathasbecomeoftheBrightYoungThing，theB。Y。T。
islookin’outofthewinderofSt。Barabbas’Hospital——justtakinginallofdear，roaring，dirtyLondoninonegulp!Suchaplace——
Lordy!I’vebeenwaitingthreehourstoseethecrowdgoby，andtheyhaven’tgoneyet!Suchcrowds，suchbusses，——allgreenandblue，onlyapennyfare，andyoucanrideontopifyouwantto!
Thinkofthat，youdearoldManxpeople!Butthere——\"thebellgoesa—ringingforSarah!\"——they’recallingforNurse!That’stheworstofthisjob：they’realwaysa—dyin’justasyou’regettinginterestedinsomethingelse!Ta—ta!
GOLLY!
Thenherdearoldgrandfatherwrote：
I’mwonderingwheremydiddleums，Golly，is!Weallmissyousomuch，deary，thoughwedon’tmisssomanylittlethingsaswhenyouwerehere。Mydear，conscientious，unselfishlittlegirl!Youdon’tsaywhereJohnGaleis。Ishestillprotectingyou——he—he!——
yougiddy，naughtything!PeoplewonderontheislandwhyIletyougoalonetoLondon——theyforgetyourdearmotherwasaFrenchwoman!Ifyouseeanythingyourdearoldgrandfatherwouldlike——senditon。GRANFER。
Later，herauntwrote：——
HaveyouseentheQueenyet，anddoesshewearhercrownatbreakfast？YoumightgetoverthearearailingatBuckinghamPalace——itwouldbenothingforagirllikeyoutodo——andseeifyoucanfindout。
TotheselettersGollyanswered，inherownlight—heartedway：——
DEARGRANKINS，——Ihaven’tseenJohnmuch——butIthinkhe’slikethePrivateSecretaryattheplay——he\"don’tlikeLondon。\"Lordy!
there——I’veletitout!I’vebeentoatheayter。NurseJinnyJonesandmescrougedintothepitonenightwithoutpaying，\"pertendin’，\"aswewereinuniform，wehadcometotakeouta\"Lydy\"thathadfainted。Suchlarks!andsuchaglorioustheayter!
I’lltellyouanothertime。TellauntytheQueen’salwaysoutwhenIcall。Butthat’snothing，everybodyelseissoaffableandpoliteinLondon。Gentlemen——\"realtoffs，\"theycall’em——whomyoudon’tknowfromAdam——thinknothingofspeakingtoyouinthestreet。Why，NurseJinnysays——butthereanotherpatient’sgoingoffwhobyrightsoughterhavediedonlyto—morrow。\"To—morrowandto—morrowandto—morrow，\"asthatbarn—stormeractorsaid。Butthey’realwayscallingforthatgiddyyoungthing，YourGOLLY。
Meantime，JohnGale，havingabruptlyleftGollyatthedoorofSt。
Barabbas’hospital，tactfullyavoidinganunseemlyaltercationwiththecab—driverregardingherexactfare，pursuedhiswaythoughtfullytotheresidenceofhisuncle，theFirstLordoftheAdmiralty。HefoundhisLordshipinhisbath—room。Hewasleaningoverthebath—tub，whichwashalffullofwater，contemplatingwithsomeanxietythemodelofaline—of—battleshipwhichwasfloatingonit，bottomupward。\"Idon’tthinkitcanbequiteright——doyou？\"hesaid，nervouslygraspinghisnephew’shandashepointedtothecapsizedvessel；\"yettheyalwaysdoit。Tellme!\"hewentonappealingly，\"tellme，asaprofessingChristianandaPerfectMan——isitquiteright？\"
\"Ishouldthink，sir，\"respondedJohnGale，withuncompromisingtruthfulness，\"thattheaveragevesselofcommerceisnotbuiltinthatway。\"
\"Yet，\"saidtheFirstLordoftheAdmiralty，withafar—offlook，\"theyalldoit!Andtheydon’tsteer!Thelargertheyareandthemorerecentthemodel，thelesstheysteer。Dearme——yououghttosee’emgoroundandroundinthattub。\"Then，apparentlyrecallingtheprobablepurposeofJohn’svisit，heledthewayintohisdressing—room。\"SoyouareinLondon，dearboy。Isthereanylittlethingyouwant？Ihave，\"hecontinued，absentlyfumblinginthedrawersofhisdressing—table，\"afewcuraciesandabishopricsomewhere，butwiththeseblessedmodels——Ican’tthinkwheretheyare。Orwhatwouldyousaytoanicechaplaincyinthenavy，withabecominguniform，ononeofthosethingummies？\"Hepointedtothebath—room。\"Stay，\"hecontinued，ashepassedhishandoverhisperplexedbrows，\"nowIthinkofit——you’requiteunorthodox!
Dearme!thatwouldn’tdo。Yousee，Drake，\"——hepaused，asJohnGalestarted，——\"ImeanSirFrancisDrake，oncesuspendedhischaplainforunorthodoxy，accordingtoFroude’sbook。TheseadmiralsaredreadfullystrictChurchmen。Nomatter!Comeagainsomeothertime，\"headded，gentlypushinghisnephewdownstairsandintothestreet，\"andwe’llseeaboutit。\"
Withasinkingheart，JohnturnedhisstepstowardWestminster。HewouldgoandseeGolly；perhapshehadnotlookedafterherasheought。Suddenlyarememberedvoice，inmimickingaccents，felluponhisearwiththequotation，\"Doyouknow？\"Then，inahansompassingswiftlybyhim，Golly，inhospitaldresswithflyingribbons，appeared，sittingbetweenLordBrownstoneEwerandFrancisHoratioNelsonDrake，completelygrownup。Andfrombehindfloatedtheinexpressiblysadrefrain，\"Hitiddlihi!\"
Thisishowithappened。Onemorning，JinnyJones，anotherhospitalnurse，hadsaidtoher，\"Haveyouanyobjection，dear，toseeingafriendofanothergent，afriendofmine？\"
\"Noneintheleast，dear，\"saidGolly。\"Iwanttoseeallthatcanbeseen，anddoallthatcanbedoneinLondon，andknowtheglorythereof。IonlyrequirethatIshallbeallowedtoloveJohnGalewheneverhepermitsit，whichisn’toften，andthatImaybepermittedtowritesimpleletterstomydotingrelationsattherateoftwelvepagesaday，givinganaccount——MYOWNaccount——ofmydoings。There!Goonnow!Bringonyourbears。\"
TheyhadvisitedthechamberswhichLordBrownstoneandDrakeoccupiedtogether，andingirlishinnocencehadputonthegentlemen’sclothesanddancedbeforethem。Thentheyallwenttothetheatre，whereGolly’sdelightfulsimplicityandchildishignoranceoftheworldhadcharmedthem。Everythingtoherwasnew，strange，andthrilling。Sheevenleanedfromthecarriagewindowstoseethe\"wheelsgoround。\"Shewassurprisedatthenumberofpeopleinthetheatre，andinsistedonknowingifitwaschurch，becausetheyallsatthereintheirbestclothessoquietly。Shebelievedthattheplaywasreal，andfrequently，fromastagebox，interruptedtheactingwithexplanations。Sheinformedtheheroineofthedesignofthevillainwaitingatthewings。Andwhentheagedmotheroftheheroinewasdyingofstarvationinahovel，andshethrewabagofbonbonsonthestage，withthevociferousdeclarationthat\"LordBrownstonehadjustgiventhemtoher——but——Lordy!——SHEdidn’twantthem，\"theywereobligedtoleadheraway，closelyfollowedbyanusherandapoliceman。\"Tothink，\"shewrotetoJohnGale，\"thattheaudienceonlylaughedandshouted，andneverofferedtohelp!AndyetlookatthechurchesinLondon，wheretheydaretopreachthegospel!\"
Firedbythissimpleletter，andalarmedbyGolly’ssimplicity，JohnGalewenttohisclericalchief，ArchdeaconLuxury，anddemandedpermissiontopreachnextSunday。\"Certainly，\"saidtheArchdeacon；\"youshalltakemycurate’splace。IshallinformthecongregationthatyouarethesonofLordGale。Theyareveryparticularchurchmen——allsocietypeople——andofcoursewillbesatisfiedwiththeworkoftheLord，especially，\"headded，withapolitesmile，\"whenthatworkhappenstobe——theLordGale’sson。\"
Accordingly，thenextSunday，JohnGaleoccupiedthepulpitofSt。
Swithin。Butanunexpectedeventhappened。Hispent—upeagernesstodenouncethepresentmethodsofChristianity，hisfullnessofutterance，defeatedhispurpose。Hewasovercomewithakindofpulpitfright。Hisideasoftimeandplacefledhim。Afterbeginning，\"Mr。Chairman，inrisingtoproposethetoastofourworthyArchdeacon——FellowManxmen——thepresentmoment——er——er——theproudestinmy——er——life——DearlybelovedGolly——unaccustomedasI
amtopublicspeaking，\"heabruptlydeliveredthebenedictionandsatdown。Theincident，however，provokedlittleattention。Thecongregation，accustomedtosleepthroughthesermon，awokeattheusualtimeandwenthome。OnlyasingleScotchwomansaidtohiminpassing：\"Verraweelforabeginning，laddie。Butgiveithotterto’emnexttime。\"Discomfitedandbewildered，hecommunedwithhimselfgloomily。\"Ican’tmarryGolly。Ican’ttalk。Ihatesociety。What’stobedone？Ihaveit!I’llgointoamonastery。\"
HewentintoamonasteryinBishopsgateStreet，reachedbyathreepenny’bus。Hegaveoutvaguelythathehadgotinto\"SomethingGood，intheCity。\"Societywassatisfied。OnlyGollysuspectedthetruth。Shewrotetohergrandfather：——
\"IsawJohnGaletheotherdaywithacrowdfollowinghimintheStrand。Hehadononlyakindofbrownsergedressing—gown，tiedaroundhiswaistbyarope，andahoodonhishead。Ithinkhispoor’toe—toes’wereinsandals，andIdaresayhislegswerecold，poordear。However，ifhecallsTHATprotectionofGolly——Idon’t!
Imightberunoffatanymoment——forallhe’dhelp。Nomatter!
IfthisCourtunderstandsherself，andshethinksshedo，Gollycantakecareofherself——youbet。\"
Nevertheless，GollylostherplaceatthehospitalthroughherheroicdefenseofherfriendJinnyJones，whohadbeendeceivedbyLordBrownstoneEwer。\"Youwoulddrivethatpoorgirlintothestreet，\"shesaidfuriouslytotheChairmanoftheBoard，throwinghercapandapronintheirfaces。\"You’realotofrottenoldhypocrites，andI’mgladtogetshutofyou。\"Notcontentwiththat，shewenttoDrakeanddemandedthatheshouldmakehisfriendLordBrownstonemarryJinny。
\"Sorry——awfullysorry——mydearGolly，buthe’sengagedtoarichAmericangirlwhoistopayhisdebts；butI’llseethathedoessomethinghandsomeforJinny。AndYOU，mychild，whatareYOU
goingtodowithoutasituation？\"headded，withtouchingsympathy。
\"Yousee，I’vesomevagueideaofmarryingyoumyself，\"heconcludedmeditatively。
\"Thankyoufornothing，\"interruptedGollygayly，\"butIcantakecareofmyselfandfollowoutmymissionlikeJohnGale。\"
\"There’sapairofyou，certainly，\"saidDrake，withatingeofjealousbitterness。
\"Youbetit’s’apair’thatwilltakeyour’twoknaves，’youandyourLordBrownstone，\"returnedGolly，droppingamockcourtesy。
\"Ta—ta；I’mgoingonthestage。\"