BOOKIII
Shewentfirstintoatobacconist’s——andsoldcigarettes。
Sometimesshesufferedfromactualwant，andatefriedfish。\"DoyouknowhownicefriedfishtastesinLondon，——youon’theOilan’？\"shewrotegayly。\"I’mgettingonsplendidly；so’sJohnGale，Isuppose，thoughhe’slookingcadaverousfromstarvinghimselfallround。TellauntyIhaven’tseentheQueenyet，thoughafterallIreallybelieveshehasnotseenme。\"
Then，afteraseverestruggle，shesucceededingettingonthestageasasonganddancegirl。Shesangmelodiouslyanddanceddivinely，soremarkablythattheignorantpublic，knowinghertobeaManxgirl，andvaguelyassociatingherwiththesymboloftheIsleofMan，supposedshehadthreelegs。Shewasthesuccessoftheseason；hercupofambitionwasfilled。ItwasslightlyembitteredbythenewsthatherfriendJinnyJoneshadkilledherselfinthechurchattheweddingofherrecreantloverandtheAmericanheiress。ButtheaffairwasscarcelyalludedtobytheSocietypapers——whowerenaturallyshockedatthebadtasteofthedeceased。AndevenGollyforgotitall——onthestage。
BOOKIV
MeanwhileJohnGale，orBrotherBoreas，ashewasknowninthemonastery，wassubmitting——amongotherrigors——toanexceptionallyseverewinterinBishopsgateStreet，whichseemedtohaveanArcticclimateofitsown，——possiblyinducedbythe\"freezing—out\"processofcertainstockcompaniesinitsvicinity。
\"Youaremiserable，andeagertogetoutinthewickedworldagain，myson，saidthedelightfuloldSuperior，ashesatbytheonlyfire，sippingaglassofmulledport，whenJohncameinfromshovelingsnowoutside。\"I，therefore，merelytotryyou，shallmakeyougatekeeper。Thekeysofthemonasteryfrontdoorareunderthedoor—matinmycell，butIamasoundsleeper。\"Hesmiledseraphically，andwinkedcasuallyashesippedhisport。
\"Wewillcallit，ifyouplease——apenance。\"
JohnthrewhimselfinanagonyofremorseandshameatthefeetoftheSuperior。\"Itisn’tofmyselfI’mthinking，\"heconfessedwildly，\"butofthatpooryoungman，BrotherBones，inthenextcelltomine。Heisalivingskeleton，hasgotonlyonelungandanatrophiedbrain。Anightoutmightdohimgood。\"
TheFatherSuperiorfrowned。\"Doyouknowwhoheis？\"
\"No。\"
\"HisrealnameisJones。Whydoyoustart？Youhavehearditbefore？\"
Johnhadstarted，thinkingofJinnyJones，Golly’sdesertedandself—immolatedfriend。
\"Itisanuncommonname，\"hestammered——\"foramonastery，Imean。\"
\"Heisorwasanuncommonman!\"saidtheSuperiorgravely。\"But，\"
headdedresignedly，\"wecannotpickandchooseourcompanyhere。
Mostofushavedonesomethingandhaveourownreasonsforthisretreat。BrotherPolygamusescapedherefromthepersecutionsofhissixthwife。EvenI，\"continuedtheSuperiorwithagentlesmile，puttinghisfeetcomfortablyonthemantelpiece，\"havehadmylittlefling，andthedearboysusedtosay——ahem!——butthisismereworldlyvanity。Youalone，mydearson，hewentonwithslightseverity，\"seemtobewantinginsomecriminality，or——shallIsay？——someappropriatebesettingsintoqualifyyouforthisholyretreat。Anabsolutelygratuitousandblamelessidiocyappearstobeyouronlypeculiarity，andforthisyoumustdopenance。Fromthisdayhenceforth，Imakeyoudoorkeeper!Goonwithyourshovelingatpresent，andshutthedoorbehindyou；there’saterribledraughtinthesecorridors。\"
ForthreedaysJohnGaleunderwentanagonyofdoubtanddetermination，anditstillsnowedinBishopsgateStreet。
OnthefourtheveninghewenttoBrotherBones。
\"Wouldyouliketohaveaneveningout？\"
\"Iwould，\"saidBrotherBones。
\"Whatwouldyoudo？\"
\"Iwouldgotoseemyremainingsister。\"Hislefteyelidtrembledslowlyinhiscadaverousface。
\"Butifyoushouldhearshewasruinedliketheother？Whatwouldyoudo？\"
Ashudderpassedovertheman。\"Ihavenotgotmylittleknife，\"
hesaidvacantly。
True，hehadnot!TheBrotherhoodhadnopockets，——orratheronlyacorporateone，whichbelongedtotheSuperior。JohnGaleliftedhiseyesinsublimeexaltation。\"Youshallgoout，\"hesaidwithdecision。\"MuffleupuntilyouarewelloutofBishopsgateStreet，whereitstillsnows。\"
\"Buthowdidyougetthekeys？\"saidBrotherBones。
\"FromundertheFatherSuperior’sdoor—mat。\"
\"Butthatwaswrong，Brother。\"
\"Thematboretheinscription，’Salve，’whichyouknowinLatinmeans’Welcome，’\"returnedJohnGale。\"Itwaslogicallyapermission。\"
Thetwomengazedateachothersilently。Ashudderpassedoverthetwolefteyelidsoftheirwanspiritualfaces。
\"ButIhavenomoney，\"saidBrotherBones。
\"NorhaveI。Buthereisa’busticketandafreepasstotheGaiety。YouwillprobablyfindGollysomewhereabout。Tellher，\"
hesaidinahollowvoice，\"thatI’mgettingon。\"
\"Iwill，\"saidBrotherBones，withadeepcough。
Thegateopenedandhedisappearedinthefallingsnow。Thebloodhoundkeptbythemonastery——oneoftherealBishopsgatebreed——bayedtwice，andlickeditshugejawsinghastlyanticipation。\"Iwonder，\"saidJohnGaleasheresumedhisshoveling，\"ifIhavedoneexactlyright。Candorcompelsmetoadmitthatitisanopenquestion。\"
BOOKV
Earlythenextmorning，BrotherBoneswasbroughthomebyPolicemanX，hishatcrushed，hisfacehaggard，hisvoicehuskyandunintelligible。Heonlysaidvaguely，\"Washertime？\"
\"Itis，\"saidJohnGaletimidly，inexplanationtoPolicemanX，\"acaseofspiritualexhaustionfollowingavigil。\"
\"Thatwarn’thername，\"saidPolicemanXsternly。\"Butdon’tletthis’ereappenagain。\"
JohnGaleturnedtoBrotherBones。\"Thenyousawher——Golly？\"
\"No，\"saidBrotherBones。
\"Why？Whatonearthhaveyoubeendoing？\"
\"Dunno!Foundmyselfinstashun——zismorning!Thashall!\"
ThenJohnGalesoughttheSuperiorinanagonyofremorse，andconfessedall。\"Iamunfittoremaindoorkeeper。Removeme，\"hegroanedbitterly。
Theoldmansmiledgently。\"Onthecontrary，Ishouldhavegivenyouthekeysmyself。Hereafteryoucankeepthem。ThewaysofourBrotherhoodaremysterious，——indeed，youmaythinkidiotic，——butwearenotresponsibleforthem。It’sallBrotherCaine’sdoing——it’s’AllCaine!\"
BOOKVI
Nevertheless，JohnGaleleftthemonastery。\"TheBishopsgateStreetwinterdoesnotsuitme，\"hebrieflyexplainedtotheSuperior。\"Imustgosouthorsouthwest。\"
Buthedidneither。HesawGolly，whowaslivingwest。Heupbraidedherforgoingonthestage。Sheretorted：\"Whoselifeisthemoreartificial，yoursormine？Itistruethatwearebothimperfectlyclothed，\"sheadded，glancingataphotographofherselfinashortskirt，\"andnotalwaysinourrightmind——butyou’vecaughtnothingbutacold!Nevertheless，Iloveyouandyouloveme。\"
ThenhebeggedhertogowithhimtotheSouthSeasandtaketheplaceofFatherDamienamongthecolonyoflepers。\"Itisabeautifulplace，andinexpensive，forweshallliveonlyafewweeks。Whatdoyousay，dearest？Youknow，\"headded，withafaint，sadsmile，glancingatanotherphotographofher，——executingthehighkick，——\"you’requitealeaperyourself。\"
Butthatnightshereceivedanofferofanewengagement。ShewrotetoJohnGale：\"TheSouthSeasisratheranexpensivetriptotakesimplytodie。Couldn’twedoitascheaplyathome？Orcouldn’tyouprevailonyourFatherSuperiortosetuphismonasterythere？I’mafraidI’mnotuptoit。Whydon’tyoutrytheold’Oilan，’nearerhome？There’slotsofmeaslesanddiphtheriaabouttherelately。\"
WhentheheartbrokenJohnGalereceivedthisepistle，healsoreceivedaletterfromhisuncle，theFirstLordoftheAdmiralty。
\"Idon’tfancythisDamienwhimofyours。Ifyou’rereallyinearnestaboutkillingyourself，whynottakeabrieftrialtripinoneofourlatestironclads？It’sjustasrisky，although——asweareobligedtokeepthesethingsquietintheOffice——youwillnotofcoursegetthatpublicityyournoblesoulcraves。\"
Abandonedbyallinhisnoblepurposes，JohnGaletookthefirststeamertotheIsleofMan。
BOOKVII
Buthedidnotremaintherelong。Oncebackinthatepistolaryisland，hewroteinterminableletterstoGolly。Whentheybegantoboreeachother，hereturnedtoLondonandenteredtheSalvationArmy。Crowdsflockedtohearhimpreach。HeinveighedagainstSocietyandWickednessasrepresentedinhismindbyGollyandherfriends，andpraisedaperfectChristianityrepresentedbyhimselfandHISfriends。ApanicofthesameremarkablecharacterastheBishopsgateStreetwintertookpossessionofLondon。OldMoore’s，Zadkiel’s，andMotherShipton’spropheciesweretobefulfilledatanearlyandfixeddate，withnopostponementonaccountofweather。SuddenlySociety，JohnDrake，andAntichristgenerallycombinedbyoustinghimfromhischurch，andturningitintoamusic—hallforGolly!ThenJohnGaletookhislastandsublimeresolve。HisdutyasaperfectChristianwastokillGolly!Hislogicwasatonceinscrutable，perfect，and——JohnGalish!
Withthissublimeandloftypurpose，hecalleduponGolly。Theheroicgirlsawhispurposeinhiseye——aneyeatonceblack，murderous，andChristian—like。Foraninstantshethoughtitwasbettertosuccumbatonceandthusendthisremarkableattachment。
SuddenlythroughthischaosofSpiritual，Religious，Ecstatic，Super—Egotisticwhirlofconfusedthought，dartedagleamofCommon，OrdinaryHorseSense!JohnGalesawitillumineherblueeyes，andtrembled。GodinMercy!IfitcametoTHAT!
\"Sitdown，John，\"shesaidcalmly。Then，inhersweet，clearvoice，shesaid：\"Diditeveroccurtoyou，dearest，thatamoreridiculous，unconvincing，purposeless，insane，God—forsakenidiotthanyouneverexisted？Thatyoueclipsethewildestdreamsofinsanity？Thatyouareamentalandmoral’What—is—it？’\"
\"Ithasoccurredtome，\"herepliedsimply。\"Ibeganlifewithvastasininepossibilitieswhichfalltothelotoffewmen；yetI
cannotsaythatIhavecarriedevenTHEMtoalogicalconclusion!
ButYOU，love!YOU，darling!conceivedinextravagance，borntoimpossibility，achallengetocredulity，aproblemtotheintellect，a’missingword’forallages，——areyouawareofanyoneasutterlyunsympathetic，unreal，anduntruetonatureasyouare，existingonthefaceoftheearth，orinthewatersundertheearth？\"
\"Youareright，dearest；therearenone，\"shereturnedwiththesamecalm，levelvoice。\"ItistruethatIhaveattimestriedtodosomethingrealandwomanly，andnot，youknow，merelytocomplicatea——a\"——hervoicefaltered——\"theatricalsituation——butI
couldn’t!Somethingimpelledmeotherwise。NowyouknowwhyI
becameanactress!ButeventhereIfail!THEYareallowedreasoningpoweroffthestage——Ihavenoneatanytime!Ilaughinthewrongplace——Idotheunnecessary，extravagantthing。Endowedbysomestrangepowerwithextraordinaryattributes，Iamsupposedtomakeeverybodyloveme，butIdon’t——Isatisfynobody；I
convincenone!Ihavenoideawhatwillhappentomenext。Iamdoomedto——Iknownotwhat。\"
\"AndI，\"hegroanedbitterly，\"I，insomerareandlucidmoments，havehadaglimpseofthistoo。Weareinthehandsofsomeinscrutablebutawfulpower。Tellme，Golly，tellme，darling，whoisit？\"
AgainthatgleamofCommonorOrdinaryHorseSensecameinhereye。
\"Ihavefoundoutwho，\"shewhispered。\"Ihavefoundoutwhohascreatedus，andmadeusaspuppetsinhishands。\"
\"IsittheAlmighty？\"heasked。
\"No；itis\"——shesaid，withaburstofreallaughter——\"itis——The’AllCaine!\"
\"What!ourcountrymantheManxman？TheonlygreatNovelist？ThebelovedofGladstone？\"hegasped。
\"Yes——andheintendstokillYOU——andwe’reonlytobemarriedatyourdeathbed!\"
JohnGalearosewithalookofsterndetermination。\"Ihavesufferedmuchandidiotically——butIdrawalineatthis。Ishallkick!\"
Gollyclappedherhandsjoyfully。\"Wewill!\"
\"Andwe’llchuckhim。\"
\"Wewill。\"
Theywerechokingwithlaughter。
\"Andgoandgetmarriedinanatural，simplewaylikeanybodyelse——
andtry——todoourduty——toGod——toeachother——andtoourfellow—
beings——andquitthis——damned——nonsense——andin—fer—nalidiocyforever!\"
\"Amen!\"
PUBLISHER’SNOTE。——\"Inthatsupremeworkofmylife，’TheChristian，’\"saidthegiftednovelisttoareporterinspeakingofhismethods，\"IhadendowedthecharactersofGollyandJohnGalewithsuchsuperhumanvitalityandabsoluterealitythat——asiswellknownintheexperienceofgreatwriters——theybecamethinkingbeings，andactuallycriticisedmywork，andevenINTERFEREDandREBELLEDtothepointofalteringmyclimaxandtheend!\"Thepresenteditiongivesthatending，whichofcourseistheonlyrealone。
THEADVENTURESOFJOHNLONGBOWE，YEOMAN
BEINGAMODERN—ANTIQUEREALISTICROMANCE
（COMPILEDFROMSEVERALEMINENTSOURCES）
ItseemethbutfairthatI，JohnLongbowe，shouldsetdownthisaccountofsuchhapandadventureashathbefallenme，withoutflourish，vaporing，orcozeningofspeech，butasbecomethonewho，notbeingareadywriter，goethstraighttothematterinhandinfewwords。So，thoughIoffendsome，Ishallyetconvinceall，thewhichliethclosertomypurpose。Thus，itwasintheyear1560，or1650，ormayhap1710——formymemoryisnotwhatithathbeenandIevercaredlittleformonkishcalendarsorsuchdry—as—dustmatter，beingactiveasbecomethonewhohathtomakehiswayintheworld——yetIwotwellitwasaftertheGreatPlague，whichI
havegreatcausetoremember，lyingatmycozen’sinWardourStreet，London，inthatlamentableyear，eatingofgillyflowers，sulphur，hartestongueandmanystynkingherbes；touchingneithermannormayd，savewithagreattongssteeptinpitch；wearingafinemaskeofsilkwithamouthpieceofaromaticstuff——byreasonofwhichactsofhardihoodandcourageIwasmiraculouslypreserved。ThismuchIshallsayastothetimeofthesehappenings，andnomore。Iamaplain，bluntman——mayhaprudeofspeechshouldoccasionwarrant———soletthemwhorequiretheexactnessofascrivenerorapedagoguegoelsewherefortheirentertainmentandbehangedtothem!
Howbeit，thoughnoscholar，IamnotoneofthosewhomisusetheEnglishspeech，and，beingfoolishlyledbythehastycustomofscrivenersandprinterstowritetheletters\"T\"and\"H\"joinedtogether，whichresembletha\"Y，\"doincontinentlyjumptotheconclusiontheTHEispronounced\"Ye，\"——thelikeofwhichIneverheardinallEngland。AndthoughthisbelittletowardthosegreatenterprisesandhappeningsIshallpresentlyshew，Isetitdownforthebehoofofsuchmalapertwightsasmustneedsgirdatamanofspiritandaction——andyet，insooth，knownottheirownletters。
Sotomytale。TherewasagreatfrostwhenmyLordbademefollowhimtothewatergatenearourlodgingsintheStrand。WhenwereacheditwewereamazedtoseethattheThameswasfrozenoverandmanycitizensdisportingthemselvesontheice——thelikeofwhichnomanhadseenbefore。Therewerefiresbuiltthereon，andmanyshipsandbargeswerestuckhardandfast，andmyLordthoughtitvastlyprettythatthepeoplewerewalkingundertheirbowsandcabbinwindowsandclimbingoftheirsideslikemermen，butI，beingaplain，bluntman，hadnojoyinsuchidlenesse，deemingitbetterthatinthesetimesofpithandenterprisetheyshouldbemoreseemlyemployed。MyLord，becauseofoneortwomisadventuresbyreasonoftheslipperinessoftheice，wasfaintogobyLondonBridge，whichwedid；myLordassuitedhishumorrufflingthestaidcitizensashepassedorpeeringunderthehoodsoftheirwivesanddaughters——asbecameayounggallantofthetime。I，beingaplain，bluntman，assistedinnosuchfolly，butcontentedmyself，whentheycomplaynedtome，withdamningtheirsoulsforgreasyinterferingvarlets。ForIshallnowmakenoscrupleindeclaringthatmyLordwasthemostnobleEarlofSouthampton，beingwithheldfromsosayingbeforethroughveryplainnessandbluntness，desiringasasimpleyeomantomakenoboastofservingamanofsohighquality。
WefaredonoverBanksidetotheGlobeplayhouse，wheremyLordbademedismountanddeliverasecretmessagetothechiefplayer——
whichmessagewas，\"hadhediligentlyperusedandexaminedthathewotof，andwhatsaidhethereof？\"WhichIdid。ThereuponhethatwascalledthechiefplayerdidincontinentlyproceedtoloadminearmsandwalletwithmanyanddiversrollsofmanuscriptsinmyLord’sownhand，andbademesayuntohimthattherewasagreatfrostoverLondon，butthatifheweretoperformthoseplaysandmasquespublickly，therewouldbeagreaterfrostthere——towit，intheGlobeplayhouse。ThisIdiddeliverwiththeManuscriptstomyLord，whochangedcountenancemightilyatthesightofthem，butcouldmakenoughtofthemessage。Atwhichtheladwhoheldthehorsesbeforetheplayhouse——oneWillShakespeare——splitwithlaughter。WhereatmyLordcursedhimforadeer—stealing，coney—
catchingWarwickshirelout，andcuffedhimsoundly。IwottherewillbethosewhorememberthatthisWillShakespeareafterwardsbecameaplayeranddidwriteplays——whichwereacceptableeventotheQueen’sMajesty’sself——andIsetthisdownnotfromvanitytoshewIhaveheldconversewithsuch，nortogiveaseemingnessandcolourtomystory，buttoshewwhatill—judged，misinformedknavesweretheywhodidafterwardsattributefriendshipbetweenmyLordandthisWillShakespeare，eventothesayingthathemadesonnetstomyLord。Howbeit，myLordwasexceedingwroth，andI，tobeguilehim，didproposethatweshouldleaveourhorsesandcargoesofmanuscriptbehindandcrossontheiceafoot，whichconceitpleasedhimmightily。Insoothitchancedwellwithwhatfollowed，forhardlywereweontheriverwhenwesawagreatcrowdcomingfromWestminster，beforeacaravanofstrangeanimalsandsavagesinmasks，caperingandcapricolling，draggingafterthemdiverssledgesquaintlyfashionedlikeswannes，inwhichwereladiesattiredasfairiesandgoddessesandsuchlikeheathenandwantontrumpery，whichI，asaplain，bluntman，wouldhavefallentocursing，hadnotmyLordhimselfdamnedmeunderhisbreathtoholdmypeace，forthathehadrecognizedmyLordofLeicester’scoloursandthathemadenodoubttheywereoftheCourt。Asforsooththisdidpresentlyappear；alsothatoneoftheladieswasherGraciousMajesty’sself——maskedtothegeneraleye，thebettertoenjoythesemiscalledfestivities。Isaymiscalled，for，thoughaloyalsubjectofherMajesty，andonewhohathbornearmsatTilburyFortindefenceofherMajesty，itinflamedmycholer，asaplainandbluntman，thatherMightinessshouldsodegradeherdignity。Howbeit，asamanwhohathhiswaytomakeintheworld，IkeptmineeyeswellupontheanticksoftheGreat，whilemyLordjoinedthegroupofmaskersandtheirfollies。IrecognizedherMajesty’spresencebyherdiscourseinthreelanguagestoasmanyAmbassadorsthatwerepresent——thoughImarkedwellthatshehadnotforgottenherowntongue，callingoneofherladies\"asluttishwench，\"norherEnglishspiritincuffingmyLordofEssex’searsforsomeindecorum——which，asaplainmanmyself，curtinspeechandaction，didrejoicemegreatly。ButImustrelateonefeat，thelikeofwhichIneversawinEnglandbeforeorsince。Therewasadanceofthemaskers，andinthemidstofitherMajestyaskedtheAmbassadorfromSpayneifhehadseenthelatestFrenchdance。Herepliedthathehadnot。WhereuponHerMostExcellentMajestyskiptbackapaceandforwardapace，andliftingherhoop，deliveredakickathisExcellency’shatwhichsentitflyingthespaceofagoodEnglishellabovehishead!HowbeitsogreatwastheacclamationthatherMajestywasgraciouslymovedtorepeatittomyLordofLeicester，but，trippingback，herhighheelscaughtinherfarthingale，andshewouldhavefallenontheice，butforthatmyLord，withexceedingswiftnessanddexterity，whiskedhiscloakfromhisshoulder，spreadingitunderher，andsoreceivedherbodyinitsfoldsontheice，withouthimselftouchingherMajesty’sperson。HerMajestywasgreatlypleasedatthis，andbademyLordbuyanothercloakathercost，thoughitswallowedanestate；butmyLordreplyed，afterthelyingfashionofthetime，thatitwashonourenoughforhimtobepermittedtokeepitafter\"ithadreceivedherRoyalperson。\"Iknowthatthishaphathbeenpartlyrelatedofanotherperson——theshipmanRaleigh——butItellsuchasdenymethattheylieintheirteeth，forI，JohnLongbowe，havecause——miserablecauseenough，Iwarrant——torememberit，andmyLordcanbearmeout!For，spiteofhisfairspeeches，whenhewasquitoftheRoyalpresence，hethrewmehiswetandbedraggledcloakandbademechangeitwithhimformineown，whichwasdryandwarm。AnditwasthissimpleactwhichwroughtthelamentableandcrueldeedofwhichIwasthevictim，for，asIfollowedmyLord，thusapparelled，acrosstheice，Iwassuddenlysetuponandseized，achoke—pearclaptintomymouthsothatIcouldnotcryaloud，mineeyesbandaged，mineelbowspinionedatmysideinthatfatallcloakliketoatrussedfowl，andsoIwascarriedtowheretheicewasbroken，andthrustintoaboat。ThenceIwasconveyedinthesamerudesorttoaship，draggeduphersmooth，wetside，andclaptunderhatches。HereIlayhelplessasinaswoon。WhenIcameto，itwaswithagreattramplingonthedecksaboveandthewashingofwavesbelow，andImadethattheshipwasmoving——butwhereIknewnot。AfteralittlespacethehatchwasliftedfromwhereIlay，thechoke—peartakenfrommymouth；butnotthebandagefrommineeyes，soIcouldseenoughtaroundme。ButI
heardastrangevoicesay：\"Whatcoilisthis？ThisismyLord’scloakinsooth，butnotmyLordthatliethinit!Whoisthisfellow？\"AtwhichIdidnaturallydiscoverthegreatmispriseofthosevarletswhohadtakenmeformydearLord，whomInowdamnedinmyheartforchangingofthecloaks!Howbeit，whenIhadfetchedmybreathwithdifficulty，beingwellnighspentbyreasonofthegag，IreplyedthatIwasJohnLongbowe，myLord’strueyeoman，asgoodamanasany，astheyshouldpresentlydiscoverwhentheysetmeashore。ThatIknew——\"Softly，friend，\"saidtheVoice，\"thouknowesttoomuchforthegoodofEnglandandtoolittleforthineownneeds。Thoushaltbesentwherethoumayestforgettheoneandimprovethyknowledgeoftheother。\"Thenasifturningtothoseabouthim，forIcouldnotseebyreasonoftheblindfold，henextsaid：\"Takehimonyourvoyage，andseethatheescapenottillyearequitofEngland。\"Andwiththattheyclapttothehatchagain，andIheardhimcastofffromtheship’sside。
TherewasI，JohnLongbowe，anEnglishyeoman，——I，whobutthatdayhadheldconversewithWillShakespeareandbeencognizantoftherevelsofHerMostChristianMajestyeventothespyingofhergarter!——Iwaskidnappedattheageofforty—fiveorthereabout——
forIwillnotbecertainoftheyear——andforcedtoseaforthatmyLordofSouthamptonhadprovokedthejealousieandenvyofdiversothergreatnobles。
CHAPTERSITOXX
IAMFORCEDTOSEAANDTOBECOMEAPIRATE!ISUFFERLAMENTABLY
FROMSICKNESSBYREASONOFTHEBIGNESSEOFTHEWAVES。ICOMMIT
MANYCRUELTIESANDBLOODSHED。BUTBYTHEDIVINEINTERCESSIONI
EVENTUALLYTHROWTHEWICKEDCAPTAINOVERBOARDANDAMELECTEDINHIS
STEAD。IDISCOVERANISLANDOFTREASURE，OBTAINPOSSESSIONTHEREOF
BYATRICKE，ANDPUTTHENATIVESTOTHESWORD。
Imarvelmuchatthosewhodeemitnecessaryinthesettingdownoftheiradventurestoglozeoverthewhilesbetweenwithmuchmatterofthecountry，thepeoples，andeventheirownfoolishreflectionsthereon，hopinginthiswaytocozenthereaderwithabeliefintheirowntruthfulness，andencreasetheextravaganceoftheirdeeds。I，beingaplain，bluntman，shallsimplysayformyselfthatformanydaysafterbeingtakenfromthebilboesandmadefreeofthedeck，Iwasgrievouslydistemperedbyreasonofthewaves，andsocollapsedinthebowelsthatIcouldneithereat，stand，norlie。Beingthusingreatfearofdeath，fromwhichIwasmiraculouslypreserved，I，outofsheergratitudetomyMaker，didincontinentlymakeoathandsignarticlestobeoneofthecrew——
whichwerebuccaneers。IdidthisthemorereadilyasweweretoattacktheshipsofSpayneonly，andthroughtherebeingnostateofWarreatthattimebetweenEnglandandthatcountry，itwaswiselyconceivedthatthisconductwouldprovokeit，andweshouldthusbeforearmed，asbecameajustemaninhisquarrel。ForthiswehadthepreciousexampleofmanygreatCaptains。Wedidthereforeheavetoandburnmanyships——thequalityofthoseengagementsIdonotsetforth，nothavingaseaman’suseofshipspeech，anddespising，asaplain，bluntman，thosewhomisuseit，havingitnot。
ButthisIdoknow，that，havingsomeconceitofashipman’swaysandofpirates，Ididconceiveatthistimeaprettysongformycomradoes，whereofthewordsranthus：——
Yoho!whentheDogWatchbayethloudInthelightofamid—seamoon!
AndtheDeadEyesglareinthestiffeningShroud，ForthatisthePirate’snoon!
WhentheNightMayressitontheDeadMan’sChestWherenomanne’sbreathmaycome——
ThenheyforabottleofRum!Rum!Rum!
AndapassagetoKingdomcome!
Itakenocredittomyselfforthesame，exceptsofarasitmayshewatouchofmyLordofSouthampton’smanner——webeingintimate——
butthisIknow，thatitwasmuchacclaimedbythecrew。Indeedthey，observingthattheCaptainwasofacruelnature，wouldfainkillhimandputmeinhisstead，butI，objectingtothesheddingofpreciousbloodinsuchbehoof，didpreventsuchalamentableandinhumanactionbystealthilythrowinghimbynightfromhiscabbinwindowintothesea——where，owingtotheinconceivabledistanceoftheshipfromshore，hewaspresentlydrowned。Whichuntowardfatehadagreateffectuponmyfortunes，since，burtheningmyselfwithhisgoodsandeffects，IfoundinhischestaprintedproclamationfromanagedandinfirmclergymanintheWestofEnglandcovenantingthat，forthesumoftwocrowns，hewouldsendtowhosooffered，thechartofanislandofgreattreasureintheSpanishMain，whereofhehadhadconfessionfromthelipsofadyingparishioner，andtheamountgainedtherebyhewouldusefortherestorationofhisparishchurch。NowI，readingthis，wasstruckbyagreatremorseandadmirationforourlateCaptain，forthatitwouldseemthathewas，likemyself，astaunchupholderoftheProtestantFaithandtheChurchthereof，asdidappearbyhispossessionofthechart，forwhichhehadnodoubtpaidthetwogoodcrowns。AsanactofpenanceIresolveduponfindingthesameislandbytheaidofthechart，andtothatpurposesailedEastmanydays，andSouth，andNorth，andWestasmanyotherdays——themannerwhereofandthelatitudeandlongitudeofwhichIshallnotburdenthereaderwith，holdingit，asaplain，bluntman，merepaddingandimpertinencetofilloutmynarrative，whichhelpethnotthegeneralreader。So，Isay，whenwesightedtheIsland，whichseemedtobeswarmingwithsavages，Iorderedthemaststobestripped，savebutforasinglesailwhichhungsadlyanddistractedly，andotherwiseputtheshipintothelikenessofaforlornwreck，clappingthemen，saveoneortwo，underhatches。
ThisIdidtopreventthesheddingofpreciousblood，knowingfullwellthattheignorantsavages，believingtheshipinsoredistress，wouldswimofftoherwithprovisionsandfruit，bearingnoarms。Whichtheydid，whilewe，asfastastheyclombthesides，despatchedthematleisure，withoutunseemlyoutcryoralarms。Havingthusdisposedofthemostadventurous，welandedandtookpossessionoftheisland，findingthereonmanykegsofcarbunclesandrubiesandpiecesofeight——thetreasurestoreofthoselawlesspirateswhoinfesttheseas，havingnocolourofwarorteachingofcivilisationtoatonefortheirhorriddeeds。
Idiscoveredalso，byanomissioninthechart，thatthiswasnottheIslandwotofbythegoodandagedDevonshiredivine——andsoweeasedourconsciencesofaccountingforthetreasuretohim。Wethensailedaway，arrivingaftermanyyears’absenceatthePortofBristolinMerrieEngland，whereItookleaveofthe\"JollyRoger，\"
thatbeingthenameofmyship；itwasastrangeconceitofseameninafteryearsevertocallthedeviceofmyFLAG——towit，askullandbonesmadeinthesignofaCross——bytheNAMEmyshipbore，andifIhaveonlycorrectedthemisuseofhistorybylyingknaves，Ishallbecontentwiththiswriting。Butalas!sucharetheuncertaintiesoftime；IfoundmygoodLordofSouthamptondeadandmostofhisfriendsbeheaded，andtheblessedKingJamesofScotland——ifImistakenot，forthesealsobetheuncertaintiesoftime——onthethrone。InduetimeImarriedMistressMarianStraitways。Imighthavetoldmoreoftrifling，andhowshefared，poorwench!inmineabsence，eventothefollowingofmeinanothership，inashipboy’sdisguise，andhowIrescuedherfromaschemingPaganvillain；but，asaplain，bluntman，Iamnohandattheweavingofpulinglovetalesandsuchtriflingdiversionsforlovesickmaydsandtheirpunygallants——havingonlyconsiderationformenandtheirdeeds，whichIhaveheresetdownbluntlyandevenatmineadvancedyearsamreadytomaintainwiththehandthatsetitdown。
DAN’LBOREM
BYE。N——SW——T——T
I
Dan’lBorempouredhalfofhissecondcupofteaabstractedlyintohislap。
\"Guessyou’vegotsuthin’onyermind，Dan’l，\"saidhissister。
\"Mor’nlikelyI’vegotsuthin’onmypants，\"returnedDan’lwiththatexquisitelydry，thoughsomewhatprotractedhumorwhichatoncethrilledandboredhisacquaintances。\"But——speakin’o’thathosstrade\"——
\"Forgoodness’sake，don’t!\"interruptedhissisterwearily；\"yerallusdoin’it。Jesttellmeaboutthatyoungman——thenewclerkyethinko’gettin’。\"
\"Well，Itelegraphedhimtocomeover，arterIgotthisletterfromhim，\"hereturned，handingheraletter。\"Readitoutloud。\"
Buthissister，havinganexperiencedhorrorofprolixity，glancedoverit。\"FarasIkinseehetakesmor’ntwohundredwordstosayyou’vegottotakehimontrust，andsezitsuthin’inastylebetwixtabusinesscircularandthemPoliteLetterWriters。I
thoughtyouallowedhewasatonyfeller。\"
\"Efhedoesnotbragmuch，yesee，Ikinofferhimsmallwages，\"
saidDan’l，withawink。\"It’skindertakin’himathisownfigger。\"
\"AndTHATmightn’tpay!Butyedon’tthinko’bringin’himHEREinthishouse？’Ceptyou’rethinkin’o’tellin’himthatyarno’
yoursaboutthehosstradetobeguilethewinterevenings。Itoldyeye’dhevtopayyettogetfolkstolistentoit。\"
\"Wrongagin——ezyou’llsee!WotefIgetahundredthousandfolkstopaymefortellin’it？But，speakin’o’thisyoungfeller，I
calkilatedtosendhimtotheTurkeyBuzzardHotel；\"andhelookedathissisterwithashrewdyethumoroussmile。
\"What!\"saidhissisterinalarm。\"TheTurkeyBuzzard!Why，he’llbestarvedorpizoned!Hewon’tstaythereaweek。\"
\"Efhe’spizonedtodeathhewon’tbeabletodemandanywages；efheleavesbecausehecan’tstandit——it’sproofpositivehecouldn’tstandme。Efhe’sonlystarvedandmadeweakandmiserablehe’llbeeasytomaketermswith。ItmayseemhardwhatI’msayin’，butwhatseemshardontheotherfelleralwayscomesmightyeasytoyou。ThethingisNOTtobethe’otherfeller。’Yeain’tlistenin’。Yettheseremarksisshrewdandhumorous，andhezbinthoughtsobyliteraryfellers。\"
\"H’m!\"saidhissister。\"What’sthatyewasjestsayin’aboutfolksbein’willin’topayyefortellin’thathosstradeyarno’yours？\"
\"Thet’sonlywhatoneo’themsmartNewYorkpublishersalloweditwaswortharterhearin’metellit，\"saidDan’ldryly。
\"Goway!Youorhimmustbecrazy。Why，itain’tezgoodasthatstory’boutamanwhohadabalkyhossthatcouldbemadetogoonlybybuildin’afireunderhim，andarterthemansellsthathossandthesecret，andthemanwotboughthimtriesiton，theblamedhossliesdownoverthefire，andputsitout。\"
\"I’veallusallowedthatthestoryyehevtotellyourselfisablamedsightfunnierthantheoneye’relistenin’to，\"saidDan’l。
\"Putthatdownamongmysayin’s，willye？\"
\"Butyourstorywasneveranythin’morethanoneo’themsnippythingsyeseeinthepapers，droredouttonoendbyyou。It’sonlyoneo’themfunnyparagraphsyekinreadinaminitinthepapersthattakesYOUanhourtotell。\"
TohersurpriseDan’lonlylookedathissisterwithcomplacency。
\"That，\"hesaid，\"isjestwhattheNewYorkpublishersez。’The’Merrikanpeople，’sezhe，’isashamedo’bein’shortandpeartandfunny；itlacksdignity，’sezhe；’itlooksfunny，’sezhe，’butitain’tdeep—seatednash’nulliterature，’sezhe。’Themsnipso’
funnystoriesandshortdialoguesinthecomicpapers——theymakeyelaff，’sezhe，’butlaffin’isn’tnosigno’deepmorrilpurpose，’
sezhe，’anditain’tgenteelandrefined。AbrahamLinkinwithhispatanecdotesruinedourstandin’withdignifiednashuns，’sezhe。
’Wecultivatedpublishersissicko’hearin’furrin’nashunsroarin’overfunny’Merrikanstories；we’regoin’toshow’emthat，evenefwehaven’tclassesandtitlesandsich，wekinbedull。
We’reworkin’thehistoricalracketforallthatit’sworth，——efwecan’tgobackmor’nahundredyearsorso，wekinrakeinaLordandaLadywhenwedo，andwe’regettin’insomeole—fashionedspellin’and\"methinkses\"and\"peradventures。\"We’redoin’thereligiousbiznessezslickezRobertElsmere，andwefindlotso’
soulinfolks——andheapsoquaintmorrilcharacters，’sezhe。\"
\"Sakesalive，Dan’l!\"brokeinhissister；\"what’sallthatgottodowithyouryarn’boutthehosstrade？\"
\"Everythin’，\"returnedDan’l。\"’For，’sezhe，’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’you’reaquaintmorrilcharacter。You’vegotprotractedhumor，’
sezhe。’You’vebinanhourtellin’thatyarno’yours!Efyecouldspinitouttofilltwochaptersofabook——yerfortune’smade!Foryou’llshowthatasuccessfulhosstradeinvolvesthehighestnash’nulcharacteristics。Thatwhatcommonfolkcalls\"selfishness，\"\"revenge，\"\"meanlyin’，\"and\"low—downmoney—
grubbin’ambishun\"isreally\"quaintness，\"andwillgoindoubleharnesswiththebiznessofaChristianbanker，’sezhe。\"
\"Createdgoodness，Dan’l!You’redesignin’ter\"——
Dan’lBoremrose，coughed，expectoratedcarefullyattheusualspotinthefender，hisgeneralcustomofindicatingtheconclusionofasubjectoraninterview，andsaiddryly：\"I’mthar!\"
II
Toreturntothewriteroftheletter，whosecareerwasmomentarilycutoffbytheepisodeofthehorsetrade（who，ifhehadpreviouslyreceivedaletterwrittenbysomebodyelsewouldhavebeenanentirelydifferentpersonandnotinthisnovelatall）：
JohnLummox——knowntohisfamilyas\"theperfectLummox\"——hadbeentwoyearsincollege，butthoughtitratherfineofhimself——ahabitofthoughtinwhichhefrequentlyindulged——tobecomeaclerk，butfinallygottiredofit，andtohisfather’sreliefwenttoEuropeforacoupleofyears，returningwithsomeknowledgeofFrenchandGerman，andthecuttingendofaGermanstudent’sbluntedduelingsword。Having，ashefelt，thusequippedhimselffortheheroofanAmerican\"GoodSociety\"novel，hewentonboarda\"liner，\"wheretherewouldnaturallybesusceptibleyoungladies。
Onehethoughtherecognizedasagirlwithwhomheusedtoplay\"forfeits\"inthevulgarpastofhisboyhood。Shesatathistable，accompaniedbyanotherladywhosehusbandseemedtobeaconfirmeddyspeptic。HisremarksstruckLummoxaspeculiar。
\"ShallIbegindinnerwithpuddingandcheeseortaketheordinarysoupfirst？IquiteforgetwhichIdidlastnight，\"hesaidanxiouslytohiswife。
ButMrs。Starlinghesitated。
\"Tellme，Mary，\"hesaid，appealingtoMissBike，theyounglady。
\"Ishouldbeginwiththepudding，\"saidMissBikedecisively，\"andbetweenthatandthearrivalofthecheeseyoucanmakeupyourmind，andthen，ifyouthinkbetter，gobacktothesoup。\"
\"Thankyousomuch。Now，astodrink？ShallItaketheFriedrichshallefirstortheBenedictine？YouknowthedoctorinsistsupontheFriedrichshalle，butIdon’tthinkIdidwelltomixthemasIdidyesterday。OrshallItakesimplymilkandbeer？\"
\"Ishouldsaysimplicitywasbest。Besides，youcanalwaysfillupwithchampagnelater。\"
Howsplendidlythisclear—headed，clear—eyedgirldominatedtheman!LummoxfeltthatREALLYhemightrenewheracquaintance!Hedidso。
\"Irememberedyou，\"shesaid。\"You’venotchangedabitsinceyouwereeightyearsold。\"
John，wishingtochangethesubject，saidthathethoughtMr。
Starlingseemedanuncertainman。
\"Very!He’sevennowinhisstateroomsittinginhispyjamaswitharubbershoeononefootandapumpontheother，wonderingwhetherheoughttoputongolfknickerbockerswithadressing—gownandstrawhatbeforehecomesondeck。Hehasalreadyputonandtakenoffabouttwentysuits。\"
\"Hecertainlyisverytrying，\"returnedLummox。Hepausedandcoloreddeeply。\"Ibeg，\"hestammered，\"Ihope——youdon’tthinkmeguiltyofapun!WhenIsaid’trying’Ireferredentirelytotheeffectonyoursensitivenessofthesetentativeattemptstowardclothinghimself。\"
\"IshouldneveraccuseYOUoflevity，Mr。Lummox，\"saidtheyounglady，gazingthoughtfullyuponhiscalmbutsomewhatheavyfeatures，——\"never。\"
Yethewouldhavelikedtoreclaimhimselfbyashowoflightness。
Hewasleaningontheraillookingatthesea。Thescenewasbeautiful。
\"Isuppose，\"hesaid，rollingwiththeseaandhisearlystudiesofDoctorJohnson，\"thatonewouldinthemoresuperiormannershowhisappreciationofallthisbyrefrainingfromtheobviouscommentwhichmustneedsberecognizedascomparativelycommonplaceandvulgar；butreallythisissosuperbthatImustexpresssomeofmyemotion，evenattheriskofloweringyouropinionofmygoodtaste，provided，ofcourse，thatyouhaveanyopinionontheonehandoranygoodtasteontheother。\"
\"Withoutthatunduedepreciationofone’sselfwhichmusteverbeasignofself—consciousdemerit，\"saidtheyounggirllightly，\"I
maysaythatIamnotgenerallygoodatJohnsonese；butitmayrelieveyourmindtoknowthathadyoukeptsilenceoneinstantlonger，Ishouldhavetakentheriskofloweringyouropinionofmytaste，provided，ofcourse，thatyouhaveonetolowerandarecapableofthatexertion——ifsuchindeeditmaybetermed——byremarkingthatthisisperfectlymagnificent。\"
\"Doyouthink，\"hesaidgloomily，stillleaningontherail，\"thatwecankeepthiskindofthingup——perhapsIshouldsaydown——muchlonger？Formyself，Iamfeelingfarfromwell；itmayhavebeenthelobster——orthatlastsentence——but\"——
Theywerebothsilent。\"Yet，\"shesaid，afterapause，\"youcanatleasttakeMr。Starlingandhisdyspepsiaoffmyhands。Youmightbeequaltothatexertion。\"
\"IsupposethatbythistimeIoughttobedoingsomethingforsomebody，\"hesaidthoughtfully。\"Yes，Iwill。\"
ThateveningafterdinnerhetookMr。Starlingintothesmoking—
roomandcard—room。Theyhadsomethinghot。At4A。M。，withtheassistanceofthesteward，heprojectedMr。StarlingintoMrs。
Starling’sstateroom，delicatelywithdrawingtoevadethelady’sthanks。AtbreakfasthesawMissBike。\"Thankyousomuch，\"shesaid；\"Mrs。StarlingfoundStarlinggreatlyimproved。Hehimselfadmittedhewas’neverberrer’and，farfromworryingaboutwhatnight—clothesheshouldwear，wenttobedASHEWAS——eventohishat。Mrs。Starlingcallsyou’herpreserver，’andMr。Starlingdistinctlystatedthatyouwerea’jolly—good—fler。’\"
\"Andyou？\"askedJohnLummox。
\"Inyourpresentconditionofabnormalself—consciousnessandapperceptiveegotism，Ireallyshouldn’tliketosay。\"
WhenthevoyagewasendedMr。LummoxwenttoseeMaryBikeatherhouse，andhisfather——whomhehadnotseenfortenyears——atHIS
house。Witharefinedabsenceofnaturalaffectionhecontentedhimselfwithinquiringoftheservantsastohisfather’shabits，andifhestillworedressclothesatdinner。Theinformationthuselicitedforcedhimtotheconclusionthattheoldgentleman’scircumstanceswerereduced，andthatitwaspossiblethathe，JohnLummox，mightbeactuallycompelledtoearnhisownliving。Hecommunicatedthatsuspiciontohisfatheratdinner，andoverthelastbottleof\"Mouton，\"acircumstancewhichalsohaddeterminedhiminhisresolution。\"Youmight，\"saidhisfatherthoughtfully，\"offeryourselftosomerisingAmericannovelistasastudyforthenewhero，——oneabsolutelywithoutambition，capacity，orenergy；
willing，however，tobewhateverthenovelistchoosestomakehim，solongashehasn’ttochooseforhimself。Ifyourinordinateself—consciousnessisstillinyourway，Icouldgivehimafewpointsaboutyou，myself。\"
\"Ihadthought，\"saidJohn，hesitatingly，\"ofgoingintoyourofficeandbecomingyourpartnerinthebusiness。Youcouldalwayslookafterme，youknow。\"
Ashudderpassedovertheoldman。Thenhetremblinglymutteredtohimself：
\"Thankheaven!Thereisonewayitmaystillbeaverted!\"
Retiringtohisroomhecalmlycommittedsuicide，thoughtfullyleavingtheemptypoisonbottleinthefender。
AndthisishowJohnLummoxcametoofferhimselfasaclerktoDan’lBorem。ThewaysofProvidenceareindeedstrange，yetthoseofthenovelistareonlyoccasionallynovel。
III
JohnK。LummoxlivedforaweekattheTurkeyBuzzardHotelexclusivelyondoughnutsandinnuendoes。HewasinformedbyMr。
Borem’sclerk——whoseplacehewastofill——thathewouldn’tbeabletostandit，andthusreceivedthecharacterofhisemployerfromhislastemployee。
\"Isuppose，\"saidDan’lBorem，chuckling，\"thathesaidIwasaoldskinflint，goodonlyatahosstrade，uneddicated，ignorant，andunabletokeepaccounts，andanoppressoro’thewidderandorphan。
Allowedthatmycutesayin’swasakindo’ten—centparodyo’themproverbsinPoorRichard’sAlmanack!\"
\"Omittingafewexpletives，hecertainlydid，\"returnedLummoxwithgreatdelicacy。
\"Heallowedtome，\"saidDan’lthoughtfully，\"thatYOUwasapoorcritterthathadn’tasinglereasontoshowforlivin’：thatthefool—killerhadbinshadderin’youfromyourbirth，andthatyouhadn’tpaidacentprofitonyourfather’soriginalinvestmentinye，norontheassessmentshe’dpaidonyeeversince。Heseemstobeacutefellerarterall，andI’mrathersorryhe’sleavin’。\"
\"Iamquitewillingtoabandonmypositioninhisfavor，now，\"saidLummoxwithalacrity。
\"No，\"saidDan’l，rubbinghischinargumentatively；\"theonlywayforustodoistocircumventhimlikeinahosstrade——withsuthin’unexpected。Whenhethinksyou’regoin’tosleepintheshaftsyou’llrunaway；andwhenhethink’sI’mviciousI’llletawomanorachilddriveme。\"
IV
\"Well，Dan’l，how’sthatnewclerko’yoursgettin’on？\"saidMrs。
Bigbyaweeklater。
\"Purtyfine!He’sgoodataccountsandhezgottoknowtheBank’scustomersbythistime。ButIallusreckonedhe’dgetstuckwithsomeo’themcounterfeitnotes——andhehez!Yeseeheain’taccustomedtolookatafiveoratendollarnoteassharpassomemen，andhe’salreadytakenintwotensandafivecounterfeits。\"
\"Gracious!\"saidMrs。Bigsby。\"Whatdidthepoorfellerdo？\"
\"Oh，heupsandtellsme，allright，afterhediscoveredit。Andsezhe：’I’vechargedmyaccountwith’em，’sezhe，’sotheBankwon’tloseit。’\"
\"Why，Dan’l，\"saidMrs。Bigsby，\"yedidn’tletthatpoorfeller\"——
\"Youhol’on!\"saidherbrother；\"businessisbusiness；butIseztohim：’YeoughterputitdowntoProfitandLossaccount。Orperhapswe’llhaveachanceo’gettin’rido’them，——notinNooYork，wherefolksissharp，buthereinthecountry，andthenyekincredityourselfwiththeamountarteryou’vegotrido’them。’\"
\"Laws!I’msorryyedidthat，Dan’l，\"saidMrs。Bigsby。
\"Withthatherizup，\"continuedDan’l，ignoringhissister，\"and，takin’themcounterfeitnotesfrommyhand，sezhe：’ThemnotesbelongtoMEnow，’sezhe，’andI’mgoin’todestroy’em。’Andwiththathewalksovertothefireasstiffasapoker，andheldthemnotesinituntiltheywereburntcleanup。\"
\"Well，butthatwashonestandstraightforwardinhim!\"saidMrs。
Bigsby。
\"Um!butitwasn’tbusiness——andyesee\"——Dan’lpausedandrubbedhischin。
\"Well，goon!\"saidMrs。Bigsbyimpatiently。
\"Well，yesee，neitherhimnormewasverysmartindetectin’
counterfeits，orevenknowin’’em，and\"——
\"Well!Forgoodness’sake，Dan’l，speakout!\"
\"Well——THEDUMFOOLBURNTUPTHREEGOODBILLS，andweneitherofusknewit!\"
V
The\"unexpected\"whichDan’lBoremhadhintedmightcharacterizehisfutureconductwasfirstintimatedbyhistreatmentofthe\"WidowCully，\"anagedandimpoverishedwomanwhosepropertywasheavilymortagedtohim。HehadcurtlysummonedhertocometohisofficeonChristmasDayandsettleup。Frightened，hopeless，andinthefaceofasnowstorm，theoldwomanattended，butwassurprisedbyreceivinga\"satisfactionpiece\"infullfromthebanker，andagorgeousChristmasdinner。\"Allthesame，\"saidMrs。
BigsbytoLummox，\"Dan’lmighthevdoneallthiswithoutfrightenin’thepooroldcritterintoanervousfever，chillin’herthroughbymakin’herwalktwomilesthroughthesnow，andkeepin’
herontheraggededgeo’despairfortwomortalhours!Butit’shishumorousway。\"
\"Didhegiveanyreasonforbeingsolenienttothewidow？\"askedLummox。
\"Hesaidthathersonhadgivenhimacoreofhisapplewhentheywereboystogether。Dan’lezmightythoughtfulo’folksthatwaskindtohiminthemdays。\"
\"Isthatall？\"saidLummox，astonished。
\"Well——I’vekinderthoughtsuthin’else，\"saidMrs。Bigsbyhesitatingly。
\"What？\"
\"Thatitsbein’ChristmasDay——andasI’veheardtellthat’sNODAY
INLAW，butjustlikeSunday——Dan’lmebbethoughtthathemightcrawlouterthatsatisfactionpiece，efheeverwantedter!Dan’lismightycute。\"
VI
Mr。JohnLummoxwasnotbehindhisemployerindevelopingunexpectedtraitsofcharacter。HithertoholdingalooffromhisneighborsinOldFolksville，hesuddenlywenttoasocialgathering，anddistinguishedhimselfastheprincipalandpopularguestoftheevening。AsDan’lBoremafterwardtoldhissister：
\"Hewasoneo’themCombinationMinstrelsandVarietyShowsinone。
Hesangthroughawholeopery，madethepiannerjesthowl，gavesomerecitations，CasabiankerandBetsyandIareOut；imitatedallthemtragedians；didtrickswithcardsandfetchedrabbitsouterhats，besidesliftin’thepiannerwithtwomensittin’onit，jestbyhisteeth。Createdsnakes!\"saidBorem，concludinghisaccount，whichhereisnecessarilyabbreviated，\"efhelearntallthatinhistwoyearsinEuropeIain’tsayin’anythin’moreagin’
eddicationandfurrin’travelafterthis!Why，thenextdaytherewasquitearunontheBankjesttoseeHIM。Heismakin’thebiznesspop’lar。\"
\"Thenyethinkye’llgetalongtogether？\"
\"Ireckonwe’llhitchhosses，\"saidDan’l，withasmile。
Afewweekslater，oneevening，Dan’lBoremsatwithhissisteralone。JohnLummox，whowasnowresidingwiththem，wasattendingasocialengagement。Mrs。BigsbyknewthatDan’lhadsomethingtocommunicate，butknewthathewoulddosoinhisownway。
\"Speakin’o’hosstrades，\"hebegan。
\"WeWASN’Tandweain’tgoin’to，\"saidMrs。Bigsbywithgreatpromptness。\"I’veheardenoughof’em。\"
\"Butthishereonehezsuthin’todowithyourfr’en’，JohnLummox，\"saidDan’l，withachuckle。
Mrs。Bigsbystared。\"Goon，then，\"shesaid，but，forgoodness’
sake，cutitshort。\"
Dan’lthrewawayhisquidandreplenisheditfromhissilvertobaccobox。Mrs。Bigsbyshudderedslightlyassherecognizedtheusualpreliminarytoprolixity，butdetermined，asfaraspossible，tomakeherbrotherbrief。
\"Itmoutbetwoweeksago，\"beganDan’l，\"thatIseeJohnLummoxoveratPalmyra，wherehe’dbinvisitin’。Hewasdrivin’ahoss，thebeautifulestcritter——forcolor——Ieversaw。Itwasyaller，withmaneandtailakindergolden，likethehairo’themBritishBlondesthatwashereintheVarietyShow。\"
\"Dan’l!\"exclaimedMrs。Bigsby，horrified。\"Andyouallowedyouneverwentthar!\"
\"Saw’emontheposters——andmebbethecolorwasalittlebrighterthar，\"saidDan’lcarelessly——\"butwho’sinterruptin’now？\"
\"Goon，\"saidMrs。Bigsby。
\"’Gotafinehossthar，’sezI；’reckonIneverseesuchapurtycolor，’sezI。’Heispurty，’sezhe，’per’apstoopurtyforMEtobea—drivin’，butheisn’tfast。’’Iain’tspeakin’o’that，’sezI；’it’shislooksthatI’mtalkin’of；wharmightyehevgothim？’
’Hewasofferedtomebyafr’en’o’meboyhood，’sezhe；’he’sapintomustang，’sezhe，’fromCaliforny，whartheybreed’em。’
’What’sapintohoss？’sezI。’Thesameezacalicohoss，’sezhe；
’whattheyhaveincirkises，butyeneversee’emthatcolor。’Enhewasright，forwhenIlookedhimoverIneverDIDseesuchasoftandsilkycoat，andhismaneandtailjestglistened。’ItIS
alittletooshowyforye，’sezI，’butImighttakehimatafairprice。What’syourfr’en’askin’？’’Hewon’tsellhimtoanybodybutme，’sezLummox；’he’sahorroro’hosstraders，anyway，andhispriceismorelikeagifttoafr’en’。’’Whatmightthatpricebe，efit’safairquestion？’sezI，forthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIlikedhim。’Ahundredandfiftydollars，’sezhe；
’butmyfr’en’wouldaskYOUdoublethat。’’Couldn’tYOUandME
makeatrade？’sezI；’I’llexchangeyethatroanmare，that’sworthtwohundred，forthishossandfiftydollars。’Withthathedrewhimselfup，andsezhe：’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’Isharemyfr’en’sopinionabouthosstradin’，andIpromisedmymotherI’dneverswaphosses。Yououghttoknowmebythistime。’\"
\"That’sso!\"saidMrs。Bigsby；\"I’mwonderin’yedaredtoaxhim。\"
Dan’lpassedhishandoverhismouth，andcontinued：\"’Idunnobutyou’reright，Lummox，’sezI；’per’apsit’sjestaswellastharwasn’tTWOintheBankinthatbizness。’ButthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIhankeredarterhim。’Lookhere，’sezI，’I
tellyewhatI’lldo!I’llLENDyoumyhossandyou’llLENDmeyourn。I’lldrawupapapertothateffect，andprovidethatincaseo’accidents，efIdon’treturnyouyourhoss，I’llagreetopayyouahundredandfiftydollars。You’llgivemethesamekindo’paperaboutmyhoss——withtheprovisothatyoupaymetwohundredforhim!’’Excuseme，Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’butthatdifferenceoffiftymakesahosstradeaccordin’tomymind。It’sagin’myprinciplestomakesuchanagreement。’\"
\"An’hewasright，Dan’l，\"saidMrs。Bigsbyapprovingly。
ButDan’lwipedhismouthagain，leaving，however，asingularsmileonit。\"Well，ezIwantedthathoss，Ijestthoughtandthought!
IknewIcouldgettwohundredandfiftyforhimeasy，andthatLummoxdidn’tknowanythin’ofhisvaloo，andIfinallyagreedtomaketheswapeven。’Whatdoyoucallhim？’sezI。’Pegasus，’sezhe，——’thepoet’shoss，onaccounto’hisgoldenmane，’sezhe。
Thatmademelaff，forIneverknewapoetezcouldaffordtohevahoss，——muchlessonelikethat!ButIsaid：’I’llborryPegasuso’
youonthoseterms。’ThenextdayItookthehosstoJonesville；
Lummoxwasright：hewasn’tFAST，but，jestasIexpected，hemadeasensation!FolkscrowdedroundhimwheneverIstopped；wimminfollowedhimandchildrencriedforhim。Icouldhevsoldhimforthreehundredwithoutleavin’town!’SoyecallhimPegasus，’sezDocSmith，grinnin’；’Ididn’tknownyewassubjecttothedivineafflatus，Dan’l。’’Idon’offenhevit，’sezI，’butwhenIdoI
findalittlestraightgindoesmegood。’’SodidByron，’sezhe，chucklin’。ButevenifIhadcalledhim’Beelzebub’thehulltownwouldhevbinjestascrazyoverhim。Well，asitwascomin’ontorainIstartedjestaftersundownforhome。Butitcameterblow，an’terpourcatsanddogs，an’Iwasnighwashedouto’thebuggy，besideslosin’mywayandgettin’interditchesandpuddles，andI
hedtostopatStaples’Half—WayHouseandputupforthenight。
Inthemornin’Irizupearlyandgoesintothestableyard，andthefirstthingIseeswasthe’ostler。’Ihopeyegiv’myhossagoodscrubdown，’Isez，’asItoldye，forhiscoloristhatdelicatethesmallestspotshows。It’saveryrarecolorforahoss。’’Iwashopin’itmightbe，’sezhe。Iwasalittlehuffedatthat，andIsez：’It’sconsideredaverybeautifulcolor。’
’Mebbeitis，’sezhe，’butInevercaredmuchforfireworks。’
’Whatyermean？’sezI。’Lookhere，Squire!’sezhe；’Idon’tmindscourin’andrubbin’downahossthatwillstaythesamecolorTWICE，butwhenhegetstoplayin’akaladeoskopeonme，Ikick!’
’Trothimout，’sezI，beginnin’tofeelqueer。Withthathefetchedoutthehoss!ForaminitIhedtoketchontothefencetokeepmyselffromfallin’。Iswonny!efhedidn’tlooklikeacaseofmeaslesontopo’yallerfever——’ceptwheretheharnesshadtouchedhim，andthatwaskinderstenciledoutalloverhim。Tharwasplaceswharthe’ostlerhadwasheddowntothefoundationcolor，akindo’chewedlicorice!ThenIknewthatsomebodyhadbinsoldterrible，andIreckoneditmightbeme!ButIsaidnothin’tothe’ostler，andwaiteduntildark，whenIdrovehimoverhere，andputhiminthestables，lettin’nooneseehim。Inthemornin’Lummoxcomestome，andsezhe：’I’mgladtoseeyouback，’sezhe，’formyconscienceistroublin’meaboutthathossagreement；itlookstoomuchlikeahosstrade，’sezhe，’andI’mgoin’tosendthehossback。’’Mebbeyourconscience，’sezI，’maytroubleyoualittlemoreefyou’llstepthisway；’andwiththatI
takeshisarmandleadshimroundtothestableandbringsoutthehoss。
\"Well，Lummoxneverchangesezmuchasahair，ezheputsuphiseyeglasses。’I’mnotgoodatwhat’scalled\"Pop’larArt，\"’sezhe。
’Isitachromo，oryourownwork？’sezhe，criticallike。
\"’It’sYOURHOSS，’sezI。
\"Helooksatmeaminitandthendrorsapaperfromhispocket。
’Thispaper，’sezheinhisquietway，’wasdroredupbyyouandisacovenanttoreturntomeayallerhosswithgoldenmaneandtail——
orahundredandfiftydollars。EzIdon’tseethehossanywhere——
mebbeyou’vegotthehundredandfiftydollarshandy？’sezhe。
’SupposeIhadn’tthemoney？’sezI。’Ishouldbeobliged，’sezheinakindo’painedChristian—martyrway，’tersellYOURhossfortwohundred，andsendthemoneytomyfr’en’。’WelookedateachothersteddyforaminitandthenIcountshimoutahundredandfifty。Hetookthemoneysad—likeandthensez：’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’thisisagreatmorrillessontous，’andwentbacktotheoffice。InthearternoonIcalledinanoldhossdealerthatI
knewandshowshimPegasus。
\"’Hewantsrenewin’，’sezhe。
\"’Wot’sthat？’sezI。
\"’Afewmorebottleso’thatBritishBlondeHairDyetosethimupag’in。That’swottheyallusdointhecirkis，wharhekemfrom。’
\"ThenIwentbacktotheofficeandItookdownmysign。’What’sthatyouredoin’？’sezLummox，withasicklykindo’smile。’Areyougoin’outo’thebizness？’
\"’No，I’monlygoin’tochangethatsignfrom\"Dan’lBorem\"to\"BoremandLummox，\"’sezI。’I’veconcludedit’scheaperformetotakeyouinterpartnershipnowthantocontinueinthisway，whichwouldonlyendinyourhevin’totakemeinlater。IpreferredtoDOITFUST。’\"
VII
Arichman，andsettledinbusiness，JohnLummoxconcludedthathewouldmarryMaryBike。Withthatfar—sightedlogicwhichhadalwayscharacterizedhimhereasonedthat，havingfirstmetheronaliner，hewouldfindheragainononeifhetookpassagetoEurope。Hedid——butshewasdownonthepassengerlistasMrs。
EdwinWraggles。TheresultoftheirinterviewwasgiventoMrs。
BigsbybyDan’lBoreminhisowndialect。
\"EzfarasIkinsee，itwasliketheDeacon’sSundayhosstrade，bein’all’Efitwassent。’’Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，’sezLummox，sezhe，’I’dbetellin’yehowI’velovedyeeversenceI
firstseedye。Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，I’dbesqueezin’yerhand，’sezhe；’efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，I’dbeaskin’yetomarryme。’Thenthegalupsandsez，sezshe：’ButIAIN’TMrs。
Wraggles，’sezshe；’Mrs。Wragglesismysister，andcouldn’tcome，soI’mtravelin’onherticket，andthat’showmynameisWragglesonthepassengerlist。’’Butwhydidn’tyetellmesoatonce？’
sezLummox。’Thisisanepisoodeo’protractedhumor，’sezshe，’andI’Mboundtohaveashowinitsomehow!’\"
\"Well!\"saidMrs。Bigsbybreathlessly；\"thenheDIDmarryher？\"
\"DarnedefIknow。Heneversaidsostraightout——butthat’slikeLummox。\"
STORIESTHREE
BYR——DY——DK——PL——G
I
FORSIMLAREASONS
Somepeoplesaythatimprobablethingsdon’tnecessarilyhappeninIndia——butthesepeopleneverfindimprobabilitiesanywhere。Thissoundsclever，butyouwillatonceperceivethatitreallymeanstheoppositeofwhatIintendedtosay。Sowe’lldropit。WhatI
amtryingtotellyouisthatafterSparkleyhadthataffairwithMissMillikensasingularchangecameoverhim。Hegrewabstractedandsolitary，——holdingdarkseanceswithhimself，——whichwasodd，aseverybodyknewhenevercaredarapfortheMillikensgirl。Itwasevensaidthathewasoffhishead——whichisrhyme。Buthisreasonwasundoubtedlyaffected，forhehadbeenheardtomutterincoherentlyattheClub，and，strangestofall，toanswerquestionsTHATWERENEVERASKED!ThiswassoawkwardinthatBranchoftheCivilDepartmentofwhichhewasahighofficial——
wheretherulewasexactlythereverse——thathewaspresentlyinvalidedonfullpay!Thenhedisappeared。CleverpeoplesaiditwasbecausetheDepartmentwasafraidhehadstillmuchtoanswerfor；stupidpeoplesimplyenviedhim。
Mrs。Awksby，whomeverybodyknewhadbeenthecauseofbreakingoffthematch，wasnowwildtoknowthereasonofSparkley’sretirement。Sheattackedheavenandearth，andevenwentastephigher——totheViceroy。Atthevice—regalballIsaw，behindthecurtainsofawindow，herrollingviolet—blueeyeswithasingularglitterinthem。ItwasthereflectionoftheViceroy’sstar，althoughtherestofhisExcellencywashiddeninthecurtain。I
heardhimsaying，\"Comenow!really，now，youare——youknowyouare!\"inreplytohercooingquestioning。Thenshemadeadashatmeandcapturedme。
\"Whatdidyouhear？\"
\"NothingIshouldnothaveheard。\"
\"Don’tbelikealltheothermen——yousillyboy!\"sheanswered。\"I
wasonlytryingtofindoutsomethingaboutSparkley。AndIwillfinditouttoo，\"shesaid，clinchingherthinlittlehand。\"Andwhat’smore，\"sheadded，turningonmesuddenly，\"YOUshallhelpme!\"
\"I？\"Isaidinsurprise。
\"Don’tpretend!\"shesaidpoutingly。\"You’retooclevertobelievehe’scutupovertheMillikens。No——it’ssomethingawfulor——
anotherwoman!Now，ifIknewasmuchofIndiaasyoudo——andwasn’tawoman，andcouldgowhereIliked——I’dgotoBunglooreandfindhim。\"
\"Oh!Youhavehisaddress？\"Isaid。
\"Certainly!WhatdidyouexpectIwasbehindthecurtainwiththeViceroyfor？\"shesaid，openinghervioleteyesinnocently。\"It’sBungloore——FirstTurningtotheRight——AttheEndofthepassage。\"
Bungloore——nearGhouliPass——intheJungle!Iknewtheplace，aspotofdankpestilenceandmystery。\"Younevercouldhavegonethere，\"Isaid。
\"YoudonotknowWHATIcoulddoforaFRIEND，\"shesaidsweetly，veilinghereyesindemuresignificance。
\"Oh，comeofftheroof!\"Isaidbluntly。
Shecouldbeobedientwhenitwasnecessary。Shecameoff。Notwithoutherrevenge。\"TrytorememberyouarenotatschoolwiththeStalkies，\"shesaid，andturnedaway。
IwenttoBungloore，——notonheraccount，butmyown。Ifyoudon’tknowIndia，youwon’tknowBungloore。It’sallthatandmore。Aneggdroppedbyavulture，satuponandaddledbytheDepartment。
ButIknewthehouseandwalkedboldlyin。AlionwalkedoutofonedoorasIcameinatanother。Wedidthistwoorthreetimes——
andfounditamusing。Alargecobrainthehallroseup，bowedasIpassed，andrespectfullyremovedhishood。
Ifoundthepooroldboyattheendofthepassage。ItmighthavebeenthepassagebetweenCalaisandDover，——helookedsogreen，solimpanddejected。Iaffectednottonoticeit，andthrewmyselfinachair。
Hegazedatmeforamomentandthensaid，\"Didyouhearwhatthechairwassaying？\"
Itwasanordinarybambooarmchair，andhadcreakedaftertheusualfashionofbamboochairs。Isaidso。
Hecasthiseyestotheceiling。\"Hecallsit’creaking，’\"hemurmured。\"Nomatter，\"hecontinuedaloud，\"itsremarkwasnotofacomplimentarynature。It’sverydifficulttogetreallypolitefurniture。\"
Themanwasevidentlystark，staringmad。Istillaffectednottoobserveit，andaskedhimifthatwaswhyheleftSimla。