DIGGORY。Ihadorderstodeliveritintoyourownhands。
TONY。Whodoesitcomefrom？
DIGGORY。Yourworshipmunaskthato’theletteritself。
TONY。Icouldwishtoknowthough（turningtheletter，andgazingonit）。
MISSNEVILLE。（Aside。）Undone!undone!AlettertohimfromHastings。Iknowthehand。Ifmyauntseesit，weareruinedforever。I’llkeepheremployedalittleifIcan。（ToMRS。
HARDCASTLE。）ButIhavenottoldyou，madam，ofmycousin’ssmartanswerjustnowtoMr。Marlow。Wesolaughed。——Youmustknow，madam。——Thiswayalittle，forhemustnothearus。[Theyconfer。]
TONY。（Stillgazing。）Adamnedcramppieceofpenmanship，aseverI
sawinmylife。Icanreadyourprinthandverywell。Butherearesuchhandles，andshanks，anddashes，thatonecanscarcetelltheheadfromthetail。——\"ToAnthonyLumpkin，Esquire。\"It’sveryodd，Icanreadtheoutsideofmyletters，wheremyownnameis，wellenough；butwhenIcometoopenit，it’sall————buzz。That’shard，veryhard；fortheinsideoftheletterisalwaysthecreamofthecorrespondence。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ha!ha!ha!Verywell，verywell。Andsomysonwastoohardforthephilosopher。
MISSNEVILLE。Yes，madam；butyoumustheartherest，madam。A
littlemorethisway，orhemayhearus。You’llhearhowhepuzzledhimagain。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Heseemsstrangelypuzzlednowhimself，methinks。
TONY。（Stillgazing。）Adamnedupanddownhand，asifitwasdisguisedinliquor。——（Reading。）DearSir，——ay，that’sthat。Thenthere’sanM，andaT，andanS，butwhetherthenextbeanizzard，oranR，confoundme，Icannottell。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。What’sthat，mydear？CanIgiveyouanyassistance？
MISSNEVILLE。Pray，aunt，letmereadit。NobodyreadsacramphandbetterthanI。（Twitchingtheletterfromhim。）Doyouknowwhoitisfrom？
TONY。Can’ttell，exceptfromDickGinger，thefeeder。
MISSNEVILLE。Ay，soitis。（Pretendingtoread。）Dear’Squire，hopingthatyou’reinhealth，asIamatthispresent。ThegentlemenoftheShake—bagclubhascutthegentlemenofGoose—greenquiteoutoffeather。Theodds——um——oddbattle——um——longfighting——um——here，here，it’sallaboutcocksandfighting；it’sofnoconsequence；here，putitup，putitup。（Thrustingthecrumpledletteruponhim。）
TONY。ButItellyou，miss，it’sofalltheconsequenceintheworld。
Iwouldnotlosetherestofitforaguinea。Here，mother，doyoumakeitout。Ofnoconsequence!（GivingMRS。HARDCASTLEtheletter。）
MRS。HARDCASTLE。How’sthis？——（Reads。）\"Dear’Squire，I’mnowwaitingforMissNeville，withapost—chaiseandpair，atthebottomofthegarden，butIfindmyhorsesyetunabletoperformthejourney。I
expectyou’llassistuswithapairoffreshhorses，asyoupromised。
Dispatchisnecessary，astheHAG（ay，thehag），yourmother，willotherwisesuspectus!Yours，Hastings。\"Grantmepatience。Ishallrundistracted!Myragechokesme。
MISSNEVILLE。Ihope，madam，you’llsuspendyourresentmentforafewmoments，andnotimputetomeanyimpertinence，orsinisterdesign，thatbelongstoanother。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Curtseyingverylow。）Finespoken，madam，youaremostmiraculouslypoliteandengaging，andquitetheverypinkofcourtesyandcircumspection，madam。（Changinghertone。）Andyou，yougreatill—fashionedoaf，withscarcesenseenoughtokeepyourmouthshut：wereyou，too，joinedagainstme？ButI’lldefeatallyourplotsinamoment。Asforyou，madam，sinceyouhavegotapairoffreshhorsesready，itwouldbecrueltodisappointthem。So，ifyouplease，insteadofrunningawaywithyourspark，prepare，thisverymoment，torunoffwithME。YouroldauntPedigreewillkeepyousecure，I’llwarrantme。Youtoo，sir，maymountyourhorse，andguardusupontheway。Here，Thomas，Roger，Diggory!I’llshowyou，thatIwishyoubetterthanyoudoyourselves。[Exit。]
MISSNEVILLE。SonowI’mcompletelyruined。
TONY。Ay，that’sasurething。
MISSNEVILLE。Whatbettercouldbeexpectedfrombeingconnectedwithsuchastupidfool，——andafterallthenodsandsignsImadehim？
TONY。Bythelaws，miss，itwasyourowncleverness，andnotmystupidity，thatdidyourbusiness。YouweresoniceandsobusywithyourShake—bagsandGoose—greens，thatIthoughtyoucouldneverbemakingbelieve。
EnterHASTINGS。
HASTINGS。So，sir，Ifindbymyservant，thatyouhaveshownmyletter，andbetrayedus。Wasthiswelldone，younggentleman？
TONY。Here’sanother。Askmissthere，whobetrayedyou。Ecod，itwasherdoing，notmine。
EnterMARLOW。
MARLOW。SoIhavebeenfinelyusedhereamongyou。Renderedcontemptible，drivenintoillmanners，despised，insulted，laughedat。
TONY。Here’sanother。WeshallhaveoldBedlambrokeloosepresently。
MISSNEVILLE。Andthere，sir，isthegentlemantowhomwealloweeveryobligation。
MARLOW。WhatcanIsaytohim，amereboy，anidiot，whoseignoranceandageareaprotection？
HASTINGS。Apoorcontemptiblebooby，thatwouldbutdisgracecorrection。
MISSNEVILLE。Yetwithcunningandmaliceenoughtomakehimselfmerrywithallourembarrassments。
HASTINGS。Aninsensiblecub。
MARLOW。Repletewithtricksandmischief。
TONY。Baw!damme，butI’llfightyouboth，oneaftertheother————withbaskets。
MARLOW。Asforhim，he’sbelowresentment。Butyourconduct，Mr。
Hastings，requiresanexplanation。Youknewofmymistakes，yetwouldnotundeceiveme。
HASTINGS。TorturedasIamwithmyowndisappointments，isthisatimeforexplanations？Itisnotfriendly，Mr。Marlow。
MARLOW。But，sir————
MISSNEVILLE。Mr。Marlow，weneverkeptonyourmistaketillitwastoolatetoundeceiveyou。
EnterServant。
SERVANT。Mymistressdesiresyou’llgetreadyimmediately，madam。Thehorsesareputtingto。Yourhatandthingsareinthenextroom。Wearetogothirtymilesbeforemorning。[ExitServant。]
MISSNEVILLE。Well，well：I’llcomepresently。
MARLOW。（ToHASTINGS。）Wasitwelldone，sir，toassistinrenderingmeridiculous？Tohangmeoutforthescornofallmyacquaintance？
Dependuponit，sir，Ishallexpectanexplanation。
HASTINGS。Wasitwelldone，sir，ifyou’reuponthatsubject，todeliverwhatIentrustedtoyourself，tothecareofanothersir？
MISSNEVILLE。Mr。Hastings!Mr。Marlow!Whywillyouincreasemydistressbythisgroundlessdispute？Iimplore，Ientreatyou————
EnterServant。
SERVANT。Yourcloak，madam。Mymistressisimpatient。[ExitServant。]
MISSNEVILLE。Icome。Praybepacified。IfIleaveyouthus，I
shalldiewithapprehension。
EnterServant。
SERVANT。Yourfan，muff，andgloves，madam。Thehorsesarewaiting。
MISSNEVILLE。O，Mr。Marlow!ifyouknewwhatasceneofconstraintandill—natureliesbeforeme，I’msureitwouldconvertyourresentmentintopity。
MARLOW。I’msodistractedwithavarietyofpassions，thatIdon’tknowwhatIdo。Forgiveme，madam。George，forgiveme。Youknowmyhastytemper，andshouldnotexasperateit。
HASTINGS。Thetortureofmysituationismyonlyexcuse。
MISSNEVILLE。Well，mydearHastings，ifyouhavethatesteemformethatIthink，thatIamsureyouhave，yourconstancyforthreeyearswillbutincreasethehappinessofourfutureconnexion。If————
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Within。）MissNeville。Constance，whyConstance，I
say。
MISSNEVILLE。I’mcoming。Well，constancy，remember，constancyistheword。[Exit。]
HASTINGS。Myheart!howcanIsupportthis？Tobesonearhappiness，andsuchhappiness!
MARLOW。（ToTony。）Youseenow，younggentleman，theeffectsofyourfolly。Whatmightbeamusementtoyou，isheredisappointment，andevendistress。
TONY。（Fromareverie。）Ecod，Ihavehitit。It’shere。Yourhands。Yoursandyours，mypoorSulky!——Mybootsthere，ho!——Meetmetwohourshenceatthebottomofthegarden；andifyoudon’tfindTonyLumpkinamoregood—naturedfellowthanyouthoughtfor，I’llgiveyouleavetotakemybesthorse，andBetBouncerintothebargain。Comealong。Myboots，ho![Exeunt。]
ACTTHEFIFTH。
（SCENEcontinued。）
EnterHASTINGSandServant。
HASTINGS。YousawtheoldladyandMissNevilledriveoff，yousay？
SERVANT。Yes，yourhonour。Theywentoffinapost—coach，andtheyoung’squirewentonhorseback。They’rethirtymilesoffbythistime。
HASTINGS。Thenallmyhopesareover。
SERVANT。Yes，sir。OldSirCharleshasarrived。HeandtheoldgentlemanofthehousehavebeenlaughingatMr。Marlow’smistakethishalfhour。Theyarecomingthisway。
HASTINGS。ThenImustnotbeseen。Sonowtomyfruitlessappointmentatthebottomofthegarden。Thisisaboutthetime。
[Exit。]
EnterSIRCHARLESandHARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。Ha!ha!ha!Theperemptorytoneinwhichhesentforthhissublimecommands!
SIRCHARLES。AndthereservewithwhichIsupposehetreatedallyouradvances。
HARDCASTLE。Andyethemighthaveseensomethinginmeaboveacommoninnkeeper，too。
SIRCHARLES。Yes，Dick，butbemistookyouforanuncommoninnkeeper，ha!ha!ha!
HARDCASTLE。Well，I’mintoogoodspiritstothinkofanythingbutjoy。Yes，mydearfriend，thisunionofourfamilieswillmakeourpersonalfriendshipshereditary；andthoughmydaughter’sfortuneisbutsmall——
SIRCHARLES。Why，Dick，willyoutalkoffortunetoME？Mysonispossessedofmorethanacompetencealready，andcanwantnothingbutagoodandvirtuousgirltosharehishappinessandincreaseit。Iftheylikeeachother，asyousaytheydo——
HARDCASTLE。IF，man!ItellyoutheyDOlikeeachother。Mydaughterasgoodastoldmeso。
SIRCHARLES。Butgirlsareapttoflatterthemselves，youknow。
HARDCASTLE。Isawhimgraspherhandinthewarmestmannermyself；andherehecomestoputyououtofyourIFS，Iwarranthim。
EnterMARLOW。
MARLOW。Icome，sir，oncemore，toaskpardonformystrangeconduct。
Icanscarcereflectonmyinsolencewithoutconfusion。
HARDCASTLE。Tut，boy，atrifle!Youtakeittoogravely。Anhourortwo’slaughingwithmydaughterwillsetalltorightsagain。She’llneverlikeyoutheworseforit。
MARLOW。Sir，Ishallbealwaysproudofherapprobation。
HARDCASTLE。Approbationisbutacoldword，Mr。Marlow；ifIamnotdeceived，youhavesomethingmorethanapprobationthereabouts。Youtakeme？
MARLOW。Really，sir，Ihavenotthathappiness。
HARDCASTLE。Come，boy，I’manoldfellow，andknowwhat’swhataswellasyouthatareyounger。Iknowwhathaspassedbetweenyou；butmum。
MARLOW。Sure，sir，nothinghaspassedbetweenusbutthemostprofoundrespectonmyside，andthemostdistantreserveonhers。Youdon’tthink，sir，thatmyimpudencehasbeenpasseduponalltherestofthefamily。
HARDCASTLE。Impudence!No，Idon’tsaythat——notquiteimpudence——thoughgirlsliketobeplayedwith，andrumpledalittletoo，sometimes。Butshehastoldnotales，Iassureyou。
MARLOW。Inevergavehertheslightestcause。
HARDCASTLE。Well，well，Ilikemodestyinitsplacewellenough。Butthisisover—acting，younggentleman。Youmaybeopen。YourfatherandIwilllikeyouallthebetterforit。
MARLOW。MayIdie，sir，ifIever————
HARDCASTLE。Itellyou，shedon’tdislikeyou；andasI’msureyoulikeher————
MARLOW。Dearsir——Iprotest，sir————
HARDCASTLE。Iseenoreasonwhyyoushouldnotbejoinedasfastastheparsoncantieyou。
MARLOW。Buthearme，sir——
HARDCASTLE。Yourfatherapprovesthematch，Iadmireit；everymoment’sdelaywillbedoingmischief。So——
MARLOW。Butwhywon’tyouhearme？Byallthat’sjustandtrue，I
nevergaveMissHardcastletheslightestmarkofmyattachment，oreventhemostdistanthinttosuspectmeofaffection。Wehadbutoneinterview，andthatwasformal，modest，anduninteresting。
HARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Thisfellow’sformalmodestimpudenceisbeyondbearing。
SIRCHARLES。Andyounevergraspedherhand，ormadeanyprotestations？
MARLOW。AsHeavenismywitness，Icamedowninobediencetoyourcommands。Isawtheladywithoutemotion，andpartedwithoutreluctance。Ihopeyou’llexactnofartherproofsofmyduty，norpreventmefromleavingahouseinwhichIsuffersomanymortifications。[Exit。]
SIRCHARLES。I’mastonishedattheairofsinceritywithwhichheparted。
HARDCASTLE。AndI’mastonishedatthedeliberateintrepidityofhisassurance。
SIRCHARLES。Idarepledgemylifeandhonouruponhistruth。
HARDCASTLE。Herecomesmydaughter，andIwouldstakemyhappinessuponherveracity。
EnterMISSHARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。Kate，comehither，child。Answerussincerelyandwithoutreserve：hasMr。Marlowmadeyouanyprofessionsofloveandaffection？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Thequestionisveryabrupt，sir。Butsinceyourequireunreservedsincerity，Ithinkhehas。
HARDCASTLE。（ToSIRCHARLES。）Yousee。
SIRCHARLES。Andpray，madam，haveyouandmysonhadmorethanoneinterview？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Yes，sir，several。
HARDCASTLE。（ToSIRCHARLES。）Yousee。
SIRCHARLES。Butdidbeprofessanyattachment？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Alastingone。
SIRCHARLES。Didhetalkoflove？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Much，sir。
SIRCHARLES。Amazing!Andallthisformally？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Formally。
HARDCASTLE。Now，myfriend，Ihopeyouaresatisfied。
SIRCHARLES。Andhowdidhebehave，madam？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Asmostprofestadmirersdo：saidsomecivilthingsofmyface，talkedmuchofhiswantofmerit，andthegreatnessofmine；mentionedhisheart，gaveashorttragedyspeech，andendedwithpretendedrapture。
SIRCHARLES。NowI’mperfectlyconvinced，indeed。Iknowhisconversationamongwomentobemodestandsubmissive：thisforwardcantingrantingmannerbynomeansdescribeshim；and，Iamconfident，heneversatforthepicture。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Then，what，sir，ifIshouldconvinceyoutoyourfaceofmysincerity？Ifyouandmypapa，inabouthalfanhour，willplaceyourselvesbehindthatscreen，youshallhearhimdeclarehispassiontomeinperson。
SIRCHARLES。Agreed。AndifIfindhimwhatyoudescribe，allmyhappinessinhimmusthaveanend。[Exit。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andifyoudon’tfindhimwhatIdescribe——Ifearmyhappinessmustneverhaveabeginning。[Exeunt。]
SCENEchangestothebackoftheGarden。
EnterHASTINGS。
HASTINGS。WhatanidiotamI，towaithereforafellowwhoprobablytakesadelightinmortifyingme。Heneverintendedtobepunctual，andI’llwaitnolonger。WhatdoIsee？Itishe!andperhapswithnewsofmyConstance。
EnterTony，bootedandspattered。
HASTINGS。Myhonest’squire!Inowfindyouamanofyourword。
Thislookslikefriendship。
TONY。Ay，I’myourfriend，andthebestfriendyouhaveintheworld，ifyouknewbutall。Thisridingbynight，bythebye，iscursedlytiresome。Ithasshookmeworsethanthebasketofastage—coach。
HASTINGS。Buthow？wheredidyouleaveyourfellow—travellers？Aretheyinsafety？Aretheyhoused？
TONY。Fiveandtwentymilesintwohoursandahalfisnosuchbaddriving。Thepoorbeastshavesmokedforit：rabbitme，butI’dratherridefortymilesafterafoxthantenwithsuchvarment。
HASTINGS。Well，butwherehaveyoulefttheladies？Idiewithimpatience。
TONY。Leftthem!WhywhereshouldIleavethembutwhereIfoundthem？
HASTINGS。Thisisariddle。
TONY。Riddlemethisthen。What’sthatgoesroundthehouse，androundthehouse，andnevertouchesthehouse？
HASTINGS。I’mstillastray。
TONY。Why，that’sit，mon。Ihaveledthemastray。Byjingo，there’snotapondorasloughwithinfivemilesoftheplacebuttheycantellthetasteof。
HASTINGS。Ha!ha!ha!Iunderstand：youtooktheminaround，whiletheysupposedthemselvesgoingforward，andsoyouhaveatlastbroughtthemhomeagain。
TONY。Youshallhear。IfirsttookthemdownFeather—bedLane，wherewestuckfastinthemud。IthenrattledthemcrackoverthestonesofUp—and—downHill。IthenintroducedthemtothegibbetonHeavy—treeHeath；andfromthat，withacircumbendibus，Ifairlylodgedtheminthehorse—pondatthebottomofthegarden。
HASTINGS。Butnoaccident，Ihope？
TONY。No，no。Onlymotherisconfoundedlyfrightened。Shethinksherselffortymilesoff。She’ssickofthejourney；andthecattlecanscarcecrawl。Soifyourownhorsesbeready，youmaywhipoffwithcousin，andI’llbeboundthatnosoulherecanbudgeafoottofollowyou。
HASTINGS。Mydearfriend，howcanIbegrateful？
TONY。Ay，nowit’sdearfriend，noble’squire。Justnow，itwasallidiot，cub，andrunmethroughtheguts。DamnYOURwayoffighting，I
say。Afterwetakeaknockinthispartofthecountry，wekissandbefriends。Butifyouhadrunmethroughtheguts，thenIshouldbedead，andyoumightgokissthehangman。
HASTINGS。Therebukeisjust。ButImusthastentorelieveMissNeville：ifyoukeeptheoldladyemployed，Ipromisetotakecareoftheyoungone。[ExitHASTINGS。]
TONY。Neverfearme。Hereshecomes。Vanish。She’sgotfromthepond，anddraggleduptothewaistlikeamermaid。
EnterMRS。HARDCASTLE。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Oh，Tony，I’mkilled!Shook!Batteredtodeath。I
shallneversurviveit。Thatlastjolt，thatlaidusagainstthequicksethedge，hasdonemybusiness。
TONY。Alack，mamma，itwasallyourownfault。Youwouldbeforrunningawaybynight，withoutknowingoneinchoftheway。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Iwishwewereathomeagain。Inevermetsomanyaccidentsinsoshortajourney。Drenchedinthemud，overturnedinaditch，stuckfastinaslough，joltedtoajelly，andatlasttoloseourway。Whereaboutsdoyouthinkweare，Tony？
TONY。BymyguessweshouldcomeuponCrackskullCommon，aboutfortymilesfromhome。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Olud!Olud!Themostnotoriousspotinallthecountry。Weonlywantarobberytomakeacompletenighton’t。
TONY。Don’tbeafraid，mamma，don’tbeafraid。Twoofthefivethatkeptherearehanged，andtheotherthreemaynotfindus。Don’tbeafraid。——Isthatamanthat’sgallopingbehindus？No；it’sonlyatree。——Don’tbeafraid。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Thefrightwillcertainlykillme。
TONY。Doyouseeanythinglikeablackhatmovingbehindthethicket？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Oh，death!
TONY。No；it’sonlyacow。Don’tbeafraid，mamma；don’theafraid。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。AsI’malive，Tony，Iseeamancomingtowardsus。
Ah!I’msureon’t。Ifheperceivesus，weareundone。
TONY。（Aside。）Father—in—law，byallthat’sunlucky，cometotakeoneofhisnightwalks。（Toher。）Ah，it’sahighwaymanwithpistolsaslongasmyarm。Adamnedill—lookingfellow。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。GoodHeavendefendus!Heapproaches。
TONY。Doyouhideyourselfinthatthicket，andleavemetomanagehim。Iftherebeanydanger，I’llcough，andcryhem。WhenIcough，besuretokeepclose。（MRS。HARDCASTLEhidesbehindatreeinthebackscene。）
EnterHARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。I’mmistaken，orIheardvoicesofpeopleinwantofhelp。Oh，Tony!isthatyou？Ididnotexpectyousosoonback。Areyourmotherandherchargeinsafety？
TONY。Verysafe，sir，atmyauntPedigree’s。Hem。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Frombehind。）Ah，death!Ifindthere’sdanger。
HARDCASTLE。Fortymilesinthreehours；surethat’stoomuch，myyoungster。
TONY。Stouthorsesandwillingmindsmakeshortjourneys，astheysay。
Hem。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Frombehind。）Surehe’lldothedearboynoharm。
HARDCASTLE。ButIheardavoicehere；Ishouldbegladtoknowfromwhenceitcame。
TONY。ItwasI，sir，talkingtomyself，sir。Iwassayingthatfortymilesinfourhourswasverygoodgoing。Hem。Astobesureitwas。
Hem。Ihavegotasortofcoldbybeingoutintheair。We’llgoin，ifyouplease。Hem。
HARDCASTLE。Butifyoutalkedtoyourselfyoudidnotansweryourself。I’mcertainIheardtwovoices，andamresolved（raisinghisvoice）tofindtheotherout。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Frombehind。）Oh!he’scomingtofindmeout。Oh!
TONY。Whatneedyougo，sir，ifItellyou？Hem。I’lllaydownmylifeforthetruth——hem——I’lltellyouall，sir。[Detaininghim。]
HARDCASTLE。ItellyouIwillnotbedetained。Iinsistonseeing。
It’sinvaintoexpectI’llbelieveyou。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Runningforwardfrombehind。）Olud!he’llmurdermypoorboy，mydarling!Here，goodgentleman，whetyourrageuponme。
Takemymoney，mylife，butsparethatyounggentleman；sparemychild，ifyouhaveanymercy。
HARDCASTLE。Mywife，asI’maChristian。Fromwhencecanshecome？orwhatdoesshemean？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Kneeling。）Takecompassiononus，goodMr。
Highwayman。Takeourmoney，ourwatches，allwehave，butspareourlives。Wewillneverbringyoutojustice；indeedwewon’t，goodMr。
Highwayman。
HARDCASTLE。Ibelievethewoman’soutofhersenses。What，Dorothy，don’tyouknowME？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Mr。Hardcastle，asI’malive!Myfearsblindedme。
Butwho，mydear，couldhaveexpectedtomeetyouhere，inthisfrightfulplace，sofarfromhome？Whathasbroughtyoutofollowus？
HARDCASTLE。Sure，Dorothy，youhavenotlostyourwits？Sofarfromhome，whenyouarewithinfortyyardsofyourowndoor!（Tohim。）
Thisisoneofyouroldtricks，yougracelessrogue，you。（Toher。）
Don’tyouknowthegate，andthemulberry—tree；anddon’tyourememberthehorse—pond，mydear？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Yes，Ishallrememberthehorse—pondaslongasI
live；Ihavecaughtmydeathinit。（ToTONY。）Anditistoyou，yougracelessvarlet，Ioweallthis？I’llteachyoutoabuseyourmother，Iwill。
TONY。Ecod，mother，alltheparishsaysyouhavespoiledme，andsoyoumaytakethefruitson’t。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。I’llspoilyou，Iwill。[Followshimoffthestage。
Exit。]
HARDCASTLE。There’smorality，however，inhisreply。[Exit。]
EnterHASTINGSandMISSNEVILLE。
HASTINGS。MydearConstance，whywillyoudeliberatethus？Ifwedelayamoment，allislostforever。Pluckupalittleresolution，andweshallsoonbeoutofthereachofhermalignity。
MISSNEVILLE。Ifinditimpossible。MyspiritsaresosunkwiththeagitationsIhavesuffered，thatIamunabletofaceanynewdanger。
Twoorthreeyears’patiencewillatlastcrownuswithhappiness。
HASTINGS。Suchatediousdelayisworsethaninconstancy。Letusfly，mycharmer。Letusdateourhappinessfromthisverymoment。Perishfortune!Loveandcontentwillincreasewhatwepossessbeyondamonarch’srevenue。Letmeprevail!
MISSNEVILLE。No，Mr。Hastings，no。Prudenceoncemorecomestomyrelief，andIwillobeyitsdictates。Inthemomentofpassionfortunemaybedespised，butiteverproducesalastingrepentance。I’mresolvedtoapplytoMr。Hardcastle’scompassionandjusticeforredress。
HASTINGS。Butthoughhehadthewill，hehasnotthepowertorelieveyou。
MISSNEVILLE。Buthehasinfluence，anduponthatIamresolvedtorely。
HASTINGS。Ihavenohopes。Butsinceyoupersist，Imustreluctantlyobeyyou。[Exeunt。]
SCENEchanges。
EnterSIRCHARLESandMISSHARDCASTLE。
SIRCHARLES。WhatasituationamIin!Ifwhatyousayappears，I
shallthenfindaguiltyson。Ifwhathesaysbetrue，Ishallthenloseonethat，ofallothers，Imostwishedforadaughter。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Iamproudofyourapprobation，andtoshowImeritit，ifyouplaceyourselvesasIdirected，youshallhearhisexplicitdeclaration。Buthecomes。
SIRCHARLES。I’lltoyourfather，andkeephimtotheappointment。
[ExitSIRCHARLES。]
EnterMARLOW。
MARLOW。Thoughpreparedforsettingout，Icomeoncemoretotakeleave；nordidI，tillthismoment，knowthepainIfeelintheseparation。
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Inherownnaturalmanner。）Ibelievesufferingscannotbeverygreat，sir，whichyoucansoeasilyremove。Adayortwolonger，perhaps，mightlessenyouruneasiness，byshowingthelittlevalueofwhatyounowthinkpropertoregret。
MARLOW。（Aside。）Thisgirleverymomentimprovesuponme。（Toher。）
Itmustnotbe，madam。Ihavealreadytrifledtoolongwithmyheart。
Myverypridebeginstosubmittomypassion。Thedisparityofeducationandfortune，theangerofaparent，andthecontemptofmyequals，begintolosetheirweight；andnothingcanrestoremetomyselfbutthispainfuleffortofresolution。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Thengo，sir：I’llurgenothingmoretodetainyou。
Thoughmyfamilybeasgoodashersyoucamedowntovisit，andmyeducation，Ihope，notinferior，whataretheseadvantageswithoutequalaffluence？Imustremaincontentedwiththeslightapprobationofimputedmerit；Imusthaveonlythemockeryofyouraddresses，whileallyourseriousaimsarefixedonfortune。
EnterHARDCASTLEandSIRCHARLESfrombehind。
SIRCHARLES。Here，behindthisscreen。
HARDCASTLE。Ay，ay；makenonoise。I’llengagemyKatecovershimwithconfusionatlast。
MARLOW。Byheavens，madam!fortunewasevermysmallestconsideration。Yourbeautyatfirstcaughtmyeye；forwhocouldseethatwithoutemotion？ButeverymomentthatIconversewithyoustealsinsomenewgrace，heightensthepicture，andgivesitstrongerexpression。Whatatfirstseemedrusticplainness，nowappearsrefinedsimplicity。Whatseemedforwardassurance，nowstrikesmeastheresultofcourageousinnocenceandconsciousvirtue。
SIRCHARLES。Whatcanitmean？Heamazesme!
HARDCASTLE。Itoldyouhowitwouldbe。Hush!
MARLOW。Iamnowdeterminedtostay，madam；andIhavetoogoodanopinionofmyfather’sdiscernment，whenheseesyou，todoubthisapprobation。
MISSHARDCASTLE。No，Mr。Marlow，Iwillnot，cannotdetainyou。DoyouthinkIcouldsufferaconnexioninwhichthereisthesmallestroomforrepentance？DoyouthinkIwouldtakethemeanadvantageofatransientpassion，toloadyouwithconfusion？DoyouthinkIcouldeverrelishthathappinesswhichwasacquiredbylesseningyours？
MARLOW。Byallthat’sgood，Icanhavenohappinessbutwhat’sinyourpowertograntme!NorshallIeverfeelrepentancebutinnothavingseenyourmeritsbefore。Iwillstayevencontrarytoyourwishes；andthoughyoushouldpersisttoshunme，Iwillmakemyrespectfulassiduitiesatoneforthelevityofmypastconduct。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Sir，Imustentreatyou’lldesist。Asouracquaintancebegan，soletitend，inindifference。Imighthavegivenanhourortwotolevity；butseriously，Mr。Marlow，doyouthinkIcouldeversubmittoaconnexionwhereImustappearmercenary，andyouimprudent？DoyouthinkIcouldevercatchattheconfidentaddressesofasecureadmirer？
MARLOW。（Kneeling。）Doesthislooklikesecurity？Doesthislooklikeconfidence？No，madam，everymomentthatshowsmeyourmerit，onlyservestoincreasemydiffidenceandconfusion。Hereletmecontinue————
SIRCHARLES。Icanholditnolonger。Charles，Charles，howhastthoudeceivedme!Isthisyourindifference，youruninterestingconversation？
HARDCASTLE。Yourcoldcontempt；yourformalinterview!Whathaveyoutosaynow？
MARLOW。ThatI’mallamazement!Whatcanitmean？
HARDCASTLE。Itmeansthatyoucansayandunsaythingsatpleasure：
thatyoucanaddressaladyinprivate，anddenyitinpublic：thatyouhaveonestoryforus，andanotherformydaughter。
MARLOW。Daughter!——Thisladyyourdaughter？
HARDCASTLE。Yes，sir，myonlydaughter；myKate；whoseelseshouldshebe？
MARLOW。Oh，thedevil!
MISSHARDCASTLE。Yes，sir，thatveryidenticaltallsquintingladyyouwerepleasedtotakemefor（courtseying）；shethatyouaddressedasthemild，modest，sentimentalmanofgravity，andthebold，forward，agreeableRattleoftheLadies’Club。Ha!ha!ha!
MARLOW。Zounds!there’snobearingthis；it’sworsethandeath!
MISSHARDCASTLE。Inwhichofyourcharacters，sir，willyougiveusleavetoaddressyou？Asthefalteringgentleman，withlooksontheground，thatspeaksjusttobeheard，andhateshypocrisy；ortheloudconfidentcreature，thatkeepsitupwithMrs。Mantrap，andoldMissBiddyBuckskin，tillthreeinthemorning？Ha!ha!ha!
MARLOW。O，curseonmynoisyhead。Ineverattemptedtobeimpudentyet，thatIwasnottakendown。Imustbegone。
HARDCASTLE。Bythehandofmybody，butyoushallnot。Iseeitwasallamistake，andIamrejoicedtofindit。Youshallnot，sir，I
tellyou。Iknowshe’llforgiveyou。Won’tyouforgivehim，Kate？
We’llallforgiveyou。Takecourage，man。（Theyretire，shetormentinghim，tothebackscene。）
EnterMRS。HARDCASTLEandTony。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。So，so，they’regoneoff。Letthemgo，Icarenot。
HARDCASTLE。Whogone？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Mydutifulnieceandhergentleman，Mr。Hastings，fromtown。Hewhocamedownwithourmodestvisitorhere。
SIRCHARLES。Who，myhonestGeorgeHastings？Asworthyafellowaslives，andthegirlcouldnothavemadeamoreprudentchoice。
HARDCASTLE。Then，bythehandofmybody，I’mproudoftheconnexion。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Well，ifhehastakenawaythelady，hehasnottakenherfortune；thatremainsinthisfamilytoconsoleusforherloss。
HARDCASTLE。Sure，Dorothy，youwouldnotbesomercenary？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ay，that’smyaffair，notyours。
HARDCASTLE。Butyouknowifyourson，whenofage，refusestomarryhiscousin，herwholefortuneisthenatherowndisposal。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ay，buthe’snotofage，andshehasnotthoughtpropertowaitforhisrefusal。
EnterHASTINGSandMISSNEVILLE。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（Aside。）What，returnedsosoon!Ibeginnottolikeit。
HASTINGS。（ToHARDCASTLE。）Formylateattempttoflyoffwithyournieceletmypresentconfusionbemypunishment。Wearenowcomeback，toappealfromyourjusticetoyourhumanity。Byherfather’sconsent，Ifirstpaidhermyaddresses，andourpassionswerefirstfoundedinduty。
MISSNEVILLE。Sincehisdeath，Ihavebeenobligedtostooptodissimulationtoavoidoppression。Inanhouroflevity，Iwasreadytogiveupmyfortunetosecuremychoice。ButIamnowrecoveredfromthedelusion，andhopefromyourtendernesswhatisdeniedmefromanearerconnexion。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Pshaw，pshaw!thisisallbutthewhiningendofamodernnovel。
HARDCASTLE。Beitwhatitwill，I’mgladthey’recomebacktoreclaimtheirdue。Comehither，Tony，boy。Doyourefusethislady’shandwhomInowofferyou？
TONY。Whatsignifiesmyrefusing？YouknowIcan’trefusehertillI’mofage，father。
HARDCASTLE。WhileIthoughtconcealingyourage，boy，waslikelytoconducetoyourimprovement，Iconcurredwithyourmother’sdesiretokeepitsecret。ButsinceIfindsheturnsittoawronguse，Imustnowdeclareyouhavebeenofagethesethreemonths。
TONY。Ofage!AmIofage，father？
HARDCASTLE。Abovethreemonths。
TONY。Thenyou’llseethefirstuseI’llmakeofmyliberty。（TakingMISSNEVILLE’shand。）Witnessallmenbythesepresents，thatI，AnthonyLumpkin，Esquire，ofBLANKplace，refuseyou，ConstantiaNeville，spinster，ofnoplaceatall，formytrueandlawfulwife。SoConstanceNevillemaymarrywhomshepleases，andTonyLumpkinishisownmanagain。
SIRCHARLES。Obrave’squire!
HASTINGS。Myworthyfriend!
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Myundutifuloffspring!
MARLOW。Joy，mydearGeorge!Igiveyoujoysincerely。AndcouldI
prevailuponmylittletyrantheretobelessarbitrary，Ishouldbethehappiestmanalive，ifyouwouldreturnmethefavour。
HASTINGS。（ToMISSHARDCASTLE。）Come，madam，youarenowdriventotheverylastsceneofallyourcontrivances。Iknowyoulikehim，I’msurehelovesyou，andyoumustandshallhavehim。
HARDCASTLE。（Joiningtheirhands。）AndIsaysotoo。And，Mr。
Marlow，ifshemakesasgoodawifeasshehasadaughter，Idon’tbelieveyou’lleverrepentyourbargain。Sonowtosupper。To—morrowweshallgatherallthepooroftheparishaboutus，andthemistakesofthenightshallbecrownedwithamerrymorning。So，boy，takeher；
andasyouhavebeenmistakeninthemistress，mywishis，thatyoumayneverbemistakeninthewife。[ExeuntOmnes。]