MARLOW。O!thedevil!howshallIsupportit？Hem!hem!Hastings，youmustnotgo。Youaretoassistme，youknow。Ishallbeconfoundedlyridiculous。Yet，hangit!I’lltakecourage。Hem!
HASTINGS。Pshaw，man!it’sbutthefirstplunge，andall’sover。
She’sbutawoman，youknow。
MARLOW。And，ofallwomen，shethatIdreadmosttoencounter。
EnterMISSHARDCASTLE，asreturnedfromwalking，abonnet，etc。
HASTINGS。（Introducingthem。）MissHardcastle，Mr。Marlow。I’mproudofbringingtwopersonsofsuchmerittogether，thatonlywanttoknow，toesteemeachother。
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Nowformeetingmymodestgentlemanwithademureface，andquiteinhisownmanner。（Afterapause，inwhichheappearsveryuneasyanddisconcerted。）I’mgladofyoursafearrival，sir。I’mtoldyouhadsomeaccidentsbytheway。
MARLOW。Onlyafew，madam。Yes，wehadsome。Yes，madam，agoodmanyaccidents，butshouldbesorry——madam——orrathergladofanyaccidents——thataresoagreeablyconcluded。Hem!
HASTINGS。（Tohim。）Youneverspokebetterinyourwholelife。Keepitup，andI’llinsureyouthevictory。
MISSHARDCASTLE。I’mafraidyouflatter，sir。Youthathaveseensomuchofthefinestcompany，canfindlittleentertainmentinanobscurecornerofthecountry。
MARLOW。（Gatheringcourage。）Ihavelived，indeed，intheworld，madam；butIhavekeptverylittlecompany。Ihavebeenbutanobserveruponlife，madam，whileotherswereenjoyingit。
MISSNEVILLE。Butthat，Iamtold，isthewaytoenjoyitatlast。
HASTINGS。（Tohim。）Ciceroneverspokebetter。Oncemore，andyouareconfirmedinassuranceforever。
MARLOW。（Tohim。）Hem!Standbyme，then，andwhenI’mdown，throwinawordortwo，tosetmeupagain。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Anobserver，likeyou，uponlifewere，Ifear，disagreeablyemployed，sinceyoumusthavehadmuchmoretocensurethantoapprove。
MARLOW。Pardonme，madam。Iwasalwayswillingtobeamused。Thefollyofmostpeopleisratheranobjectofmirththanuneasiness。
HASTINGS。（Tohim。）Bravo，bravo。Neverspokesowellinyourwholelife。Well，MissHardcastle，IseethatyouandMr。Marlowaregoingtobeverygoodcompany。Ibelieveourbeingherewillbutembarrasstheinterview。
MARLOW。Notintheleast，Mr。Hastings。Welikeyourcompanyofallthings。（Tohim。）Zounds!George，sureyouwon’tgo？howcanyouleaveus？
HASTINGS。Ourpresencewillbutspoilconversation，sowe’llretiretothenextroom。（Tohim。）Youdon’tconsider，man，thatwearetomanagealittletete—a—teteofourown。[Exeunt。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。（afterapause）。Butyouhavenotbeenwhollyanobserver，Ipresume，sir：theladies，Ishouldhope，haveemployedsomepartofyouraddresses。
MARLOW。（Relapsingintotimidity。）Pardonme，madam，I——I——I——asyethavestudied——only——to——deservethem。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andthat，somesay，istheveryworstwaytoobtainthem。
MARLOW。Perhapsso，madam。ButIlovetoconverseonlywiththemoregraveandsensiblepartofthesex。ButI’mafraidIgrowtiresome。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Notatall，sir；thereisnothingIlikesomuchasgraveconversationmyself；Icouldhearitforever。Indeed，Ihaveoftenbeensurprisedhowamanofsentimentcouldeveradmirethoselightairypleasures，wherenothingreachestheheart。
MARLOW。It’s————adisease————ofthemind，madam。Inthevarietyoftastestheremustbesomewho，wantingarelish————for————um——a——um。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Iunderstandyou，sir。Theremustbesome，who，wantingarelishforrefinedpleasures，pretendtodespisewhattheyareincapableoftasting。
MARLOW。Mymeaning，madam，butinfinitelybetterexpressed。AndI
can’thelpobserving————a————
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Whocouldeversupposethisfellowimpudentuponsomeoccasions？（Tohim。）Youweregoingtoobserve，sir————
MARLOW。Iwasobserving，madam——Iprotest，madam，IforgetwhatIwasgoingtoobserve。
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Aside。）IvowandsodoI。（Tohim。）Youwereobserving，sir，thatinthisageofhypocrisy——somethingabouthypocrisy，sir。
MARLOW。Yes，madam。Inthisageofhypocrisytherearefewwhouponstrictinquirydonot——a——a——a——
MISSHARDCASTLE。Iunderstandyouperfectly，sir。
MARLOW。（Aside。）Egad!andthat’smorethanIdomyself。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Youmeanthatinthishypocriticalagetherearefewthatdonotcondemninpublicwhattheypractiseinprivate，andthinktheypayeverydebttovirtuewhentheypraiseit。
MARLOW。True，madam；thosewhohavemostvirtueintheirmouths，haveleastofitintheirbosoms。ButI’msureItireyou，madam。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Notintheleast，sir；there’ssomethingsoagreeableandspiritedinyourmanner，suchlifeandforce——pray，sir，goon。
MARLOW。Yes，madam。Iwassaying————thattherearesomeoccasions，whenatotalwantofcourage，madam，destroysallthe————andputsus————upona——a——a——
MISSHARDCASTLE。Iagreewithyouentirely；awantofcourageuponsomeoccasionsassumestheappearanceofignorance，andbetraysuswhenwemostwanttoexcel。Ibegyou’llproceed。
MARLOW。Yes，madam。Morallyspeaking，madam——ButIseeMissNevilleexpectingusinthenextroom。Iwouldnotintrudefortheworld。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Iprotest，sir，Ineverwasmoreagreeablyentertainedinallmylife。Praygoon。
MARLOW。Yes，madam，Iwas————Butshebeckonsustojoinher。Madam，shallIdomyselfthehonourtoattendyou？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Well，then，I’llfollow。
MARLOW。（Aside。）Thisprettysmoothdialoguehasdoneforme。
[Exit。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Alone。）Ha!ha!ha!Wasthereeversuchasober，sentimentalinterview？I’mcertainhescarcelookedinmyfacethewholetime。Yetthefellow，butforhisunaccountablebashfulness，isprettywelltoo。Hehasgoodsense，butthensoburiedinhisfears，thatitfatiguesonemorethanignorance。IfIcouldteachhimalittleconfidence，itwouldbedoingsomebodythatIknowofapieceofservice。Butwhoisthatsomebody？——That，faith，isaquestionIcanscarceanswer。[Exit。]
EnterTONYandMISSNEVILLE，followedbyMRS。HARDCASTLEandHASTINGS。
TONY。Whatdoyoufollowmefor，cousinCon？Iwonderyou’renotashamedtobesoveryengaging。
MISSNEVILLE。Ihope，cousin，onemayspeaktoone’sownrelations，andnotbetoblame。
TONY。Ay，butIknowwhatsortofarelationyouwanttomakeme，though；butitwon’tdo。Itellyou，cousinCon，itwon’tdo；soIbegyou’llkeepyourdistance，Iwantnonearerrelationship。[Shefollows，coquettinghimtothebackscene。]
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Well!Ivow，Mr。Hastings，youareveryentertaining。There’snothingintheworldIlovetotalkofsomuchasLondon，andthefashions，thoughIwasnevertheremyself。
HASTINGS。Neverthere!Youamazeme!Fromyourairandmanner，I
concludedyouhadbeenbredallyourlifeeitheratRanelagh，St。
James’s，orTowerWharf。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。O!sir，you’reonlypleasedtosayso。Wecountrypersonscanhavenomanneratall。I’minlovewiththetown，andthatservestoraisemeabovesomeofourneighbouringrustics；butwhocanhaveamanner，thathasneverseenthePantheon，theGrottoGardens，theBorough，andsuchplaceswherethenobilitychieflyresort？AllI
candoistoenjoyLondonatsecond—hand。Itakecaretoknoweverytete—a—tetefromtheScandalousMagazine，andhaveallthefashions，astheycomeout，inaletterfromthetwoMissRicketsofCrookedLane。
Prayhowdoyoulikethishead，Mr。Hastings？
HASTINGS。Extremelyelegantanddegagee，uponmyword，madam。YourfriseurisaFrenchman，Isuppose？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Iprotest，IdresseditmyselffromaprintintheLadies’Memorandum—bookforthelastyear。
HASTINGS。Indeed!Suchaheadinaside—boxattheplay—housewoulddrawasmanygazersasmyLadyMayoressataCityBall。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ivow，sinceinoculationbegan，thereisnosuchthingtobeseenasaplainwoman；soonemustdressalittleparticular，oronemayescapeinthecrowd。
HASTINGS。Butthatcanneverbeyourcase，madam，inanydress。
（Bowing。）
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Yet，whatsignifiesmydressingwhenIhavesuchapieceofantiquitybymysideasMr。Hardcastle：allIcansaywillneverarguedownasinglebuttonfromhisclothes。Ihaveoftenwantedhimtothrowoffhisgreatflaxenwig，andwherehewasbald，toplasteritover，likemyLordPately，withpowder。
HASTINGS。Youareright，madam；for，asamongtheladiestherearenoneugly，soamongthementherearenoneold。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Butwhatdoyouthinkhisanswerwas？Why，withhisusualGothicvivacity，hesaidIonlywantedhimtothrowoffhiswig，toconvertitintoateteformyownwearing。
HASTINGS。Intolerable!Atyourageyoumaywearwhatyouplease，anditmustbecomeyou。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Pray，Mr。Hastings，whatdoyoutaketobethemostfashionableageabouttown？
HASTINGS。Sometimeago，fortywasallthemode；butI’mtoldtheladiesintendtobringupfiftyfortheensuingwinter。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Seriously。ThenIshallbetooyoungforthefashion。
HASTINGS。Noladybeginsnowtoputonjewelstillshe’spastforty。
Forinstance，Missthere，inapolitecircle，wouldbeconsideredasachild，asameremakerofsamplers。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。AndyetMrs。Niecethinksherselfasmuchawoman，andisasfondofjewels，astheoldestofusall。
HASTINGS。Yourniece，isshe？Andthatyounggentleman，abrotherofyours，Ishouldpresume？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Myson，sir。Theyarecontractedtoeachother。
Observetheirlittlesports。Theyfallinandouttentimesaday，asiftheyweremanandwifealready。（Tothem。）Well，Tony，child，whatsoftthingsareyousayingtoyourcousinConstancethisevening？
TONY。Ihavebeensayingnosoftthings；butthatit’sveryhardtobefollowedaboutso。Ecod!I’venotaplaceinthehousenowthat’slefttomyself，butthestable。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Nevermindhim，Con，mydear。He’sinanotherstorybehindyourback。
MISSNEVILLE。There’ssomethinggenerousinmycousin’smanner。Hefallsoutbeforefacestobeforgiveninprivate。
TONY。That’sadamnedconfounded——crack。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ah!he’saslyone。Don’tyouthinktheyarelikeeachotheraboutthemouth，Mr。Hastings？TheBlenkinsopmouthtoaT。
They’reofasizetoo。Backtoback，mypretties，thatMr。Hastingsmayseeyou。Come，Tony。
TONY。Youhadasgoodnotmakeme，Itellyou。（Measuring。）
MISSNEVILLE。Olud!hehasalmostcrackedmyhead。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。O，themonster!Forshame，Tony。Youaman，andbehaveso!
TONY。IfI’maman，letmehavemyfortin。Ecod!I’llnotbemadeafoolofnolonger。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Isthis，ungratefulboy，allthatI’mtogetforthepainsIhavetakeninyoureducation？Ithathaverockedyouinyourcradle，andfedthatprettymouthwithaspoon!DidnotIworkthatwaistcoattomakeyougenteel？DidnotIprescribeforyoueveryday，andweepwhilethereceiptwasoperating？
TONY。Ecod!youhadreasontoweep，foryouhavebeendosingmeeversinceIwasborn。IhavegonethrougheveryreceiptintheCompleteHuswifetentimesover；andyouhavethoughtsofcoursingmethroughQuincynextspring。But，ecod!Itellyou，I’llnotbemadeafoolofnolonger。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Wasn’titallforyourgood，viper？Wasn’titallforyourgood？
TONY。Iwishyou’dletmeandmygoodalone，then。SnubbingthiswaywhenI’minspirits。IfI’mtohaveanygood，letitcomeofitself；
nottokeepdingingit，dingingitintooneso。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。That’sfalse；Ineverseeyouwhenyou’reinspirits。No，Tony，youthengotothealehouseorkennel。I’mnevertobedelightedwithyouragreeablewildnotes，unfeelingmonster!
TONY。Ecod!mamma，yourownnotesarethewildestofthetwo。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Waseverthelike？ButIseehewantstobreakmyheart，Iseehedoes。
HASTINGS。Dearmadam，permitmetolecturetheyounggentlemanalittle。I’mcertainIcanpersuadehimtohisduty。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Well，Imustretire。Come，Constance，mylove。Yousee，Mr。Hastings，thewretchednessofmysituation：waseverpoorwomansoplaguedwithadearsweet，pretty，provoking，undutifulboy？
[ExeuntMRS。HARDCASTLEandMISSNEVILLE。]
TONY。（Singing。）\"Therewasayoungmanridingby，andfainwouldhavehiswill。Rangdodidlodee。\"————Don’tmindher。Lethercry。
It’sthecomfortofherheart。Ihaveseenherandsistercryoverabookforanhourtogether；andtheysaidtheylikedthebookthebetterthemoreitmadethemcry。
HASTINGS。Thenyou’renofriendtotheladies，Ifind，myprettyyounggentleman？
TONY。That’sasIfind’um。
HASTINGS。Nottoherofyourmother’schoosing，Idareanswer？Andyetsheappearstomeaprettywell—temperedgirl。
TONY。That’sbecauseyoudon’tknowheraswellasI。Ecod!Iknoweveryinchabouther；andthere’snotamorebittercantankeroustoadinallChristendom。
HASTINGS。（Aside。）Prettyencouragementthisforalover!
TONY。Ihaveseenhersincetheheightofthat。Shehasasmanytricksasahareinathicket，oracoltthefirstday’sbreaking。
HASTINGS。Tomesheappearssensibleandsilent。
TONY。Ay，beforecompany。Butwhenshe’swithherplaymate，she’sasloudasahoginagate。
HASTINGS。Butthereisameekmodestyaboutherthatcharmsme。
TONY。Yes，butcurbherneversolittle，shekicksup，andyou’reflunginaditch。
HASTINGS。Well，butyoumustallowheralittlebeauty。——Yes，youmustallowhersomebeauty。
TONY。Bandbox!She’sallamade—upthing，mun。Ah!couldyoubutseeBetBounceroftheseparts，youmightthentalkofbeauty。Ecod，shehastwoeyesasblackassloes，andcheeksasbroadandredasapulpitcushion。She’dmaketwoofshe。
HASTINGS。Well，whatsayyoutoafriendthatwouldtakethisbitterbargainoffyourhands？
TONY。Anon。
HASTINGS。WouldyouthankhimthatwouldtakeMissNeville，andleaveyoutohappinessandyourdearBetsy？
TONY。Ay；butwhereistheresuchafriend，forwhowouldtakeher？
HASTINGS。Iamhe。Ifyoubutassistme，I’llengagetowhipherofftoFrance，andyoushallneverhearmoreofher。
TONY。Assistyou!EcodIwill，tothelastdropofmyblood。I’llclapapairofhorsestoyourchaisethatshalltrundleyouoffinatwinkling，andmaybegetyouapartofherfortinbeside，injewels，thatyoulittledreamof。
HASTINGS。Mydear’squire，thislookslikealadofspirit。
TONY。Comealong，then，andyoushallseemoreofmyspiritbeforeyouhavedonewithme。
（Singing。）
\"WearetheboysThatfearsnonoiseWherethethunderingcannonsroar。\"[Exeunt。]
ACTTHETHIRD。
EnterHARDCASTLE，alone。
HARDCASTLE。WhatcouldmyoldfriendSirCharlesmeanbyrecommendinghissonasthemodestestyoungmanintown？Tomeheappearsthemostimpudentpieceofbrassthateverspokewithatongue。Hehastakenpossessionoftheeasychairbythefire—sidealready。Hetookoffhisbootsintheparlour，anddesiredmetoseethemtakencareof。I’mdesiroustoknowhowhisimpudenceaffectsmydaughter。Shewillcertainlybeshockedatit。
EnterMISSHARDCASTLE，plainlydressed。
HARDCASTLE。Well，myKate，Iseeyouhavechangedyourdress，asI
badeyou；andyet，Ibelieve，therewasnogreatoccasion。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ifindsuchapleasure，sir，inobeyingyourcommands，thatItakecaretoobservethemwithouteverdebatingtheirpropriety。
HARDCASTLE。Andyet，Kate，Isometimesgiveyousomecause，particularlywhenIrecommendedmymodestgentlemantoyouasaloverto—day。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Youtaughtmetoexpectsomethingextraordinary，andIfindtheoriginalexceedsthedescription。
HARDCASTLE。Iwasneversosurprisedinmylife!Hehasquiteconfoundedallmyfaculties!
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ineversawanythinglikeit：andamanoftheworldtoo!
HARDCASTLE。Ay，helearneditallabroad——whatafoolwasI，tothinkayoungmancouldlearnmodestybytravelling。Hemightassoonlearnwitatamasquerade。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Itseemsallnaturaltohim。
HARDCASTLE。AgooddealassistedbybadcompanyandaFrenchdancing—master。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Sureyoumistake，papa!AFrenchdancing—mastercouldneverhavetaughthimthattimidlook——thatawkwardaddress——thatbashfulmanner——
HARDCASTLE。Whoselook？whosemanner，child？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Mr。Marlow’s：hismauvaisehonte，histimidity，struckmeatthefirstsight。
HARDCASTLE。Thenyourfirstsightdeceivedyou；forIthinkhimoneofthemostbrazenfirstsightsthateverastonishedmysenses。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Sure，sir，yourally!Ineversawanyonesomodest。
HARDCASTLE。Andcanyoubeserious？Ineversawsuchabouncing，swaggeringpuppysinceIwasborn。BullyDawsonwasbutafooltohim。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Surprising!Hemetmewitharespectfulbow，astammeringvoice，andalookfixedontheground。
HARDCASTLE。Hemetmewithaloudvoice，alordlyair，andafamiliaritythatmademybloodfreezeagain。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Hetreatedmewithdiffidenceandrespect；censuredthemannersoftheage；admiredtheprudenceofgirlsthatneverlaughed；tiredmewithapologiesforbeingtiresome；thenlefttheroomwithabow，and\"Madam，Iwouldnotfortheworlddetainyou。\"
HARDCASTLE。Hespoketomeasifheknewmeallhislifebefore；
askedtwentyquestions，andneverwaitedforananswer；interruptedmybestremarkswithsomesillypun；andwhenIwasinmybeststoryoftheDukeofMarlboroughandPrinceEugene，heaskedifIhadnotagoodhandatmakingpunch。Yes，Kate，heaskedyourfatherifhewasamakerofpunch!
MISSHARDCASTLE。Oneofusmustcertainlybemistaken。
HARDCASTLE。Ifhebewhathehasshownhimself，I’mdeterminedheshallneverhavemyconsent。
MISSHARDCASTLE。AndifhebethesullenthingItakehim，heshallneverhavemine。
HARDCASTLE。Inonethingthenweareagreed——torejecthim。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Yes：butuponconditions。Forifyoushouldfindhimlessimpudent，andImorepresuming——ifyoufindhimmorerespectful，andImoreimportunate——Idon’tknow——thefellowiswellenoughforaman——Certainly，wedon’tmeetmanysuchatahorse—raceinthecountry。
HARDCASTLE。Ifweshouldfindhimso————Butthat’simpossible。Thefirstappearancehasdonemybusiness。I’mseldomdeceivedinthat。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andyettheremaybemanygoodqualitiesunderthatfirstappearance。
HARDCASTLE。Ay，whenagirlfindsafellow’soutsidetohertaste，shethensetsaboutguessingtherestofhisfurniture。Withher，asmoothfacestandsforgoodsense，andagenteelfigureforeveryvirtue。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ihope，sir，aconversationbegunwithacomplimenttomygoodsense，won’tendwithasneeratmyunderstanding？
HARDCASTLE。Pardonme，Kate。ButifyoungMr。Brazencanfindtheartofreconcilingcontradictions，hemaypleaseusboth，perhaps。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andasoneofusmustbemistaken，whatifwegotomakefurtherdiscoveries？
HARDCASTLE。Agreed。Butdependon’tI’mintheright。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Anddependon’tI’mnotmuchinthewrong。
[Exeunt。]
EnterTony，runninginwithacasket。
TONY。Ecod!Ihavegotthem。Heretheyare。MycousinCon’snecklaces，bobsandall。Mymothershan’tcheatthepoorsoulsoutoftheirfortinneither。O!mygenus，isthatyou？
EnterHASTINGS。
HASTINGS。Mydearfriend，howhaveyoumanagedwithyourmother？I
hopeyouhaveamusedherwithpretendingloveforyourcousin，andthatyouarewillingtobereconciledatlast？Ourhorseswillberefreshedinashorttime，andweshallsoonbereadytosetoff。
TONY。Andhere’ssomethingtobearyourchargesbytheway（givingthecasket）；yoursweetheart’sjewels。Keepthem：andhangthose，Isay，thatwouldrobyouofoneofthem。
HASTINGS。Buthowhaveyouprocuredthemfromyourmother？
TONY。Askmenoquestions，andI’lltellyounofibs。Iprocuredthembytheruleofthumb。IfIhadnotakeytoeverydrawerinmother’sbureau，howcouldIgotothealehousesooftenasIdo？Anhonestmanmayrobhimselfofhisownatanytime。
HASTINGS。Thousandsdoiteveryday。Buttobeplainwithyou；MissNevilleisendeavouringtoprocurethemfromherauntthisveryinstant。Ifshesucceeds，itwillbethemostdelicatewayatleastofobtainingthem。
TONY。Well，keepthem，tillyouknowhowitwillbe。ButIknowhowitwillbewellenough；she’dassoonpartwiththeonlysoundtoothinherhead。
HASTINGS。ButIdreadtheeffectsofherresentment，whenshefindsshehaslostthem。
TONY。Neveryoumindherresentment，leaveMEtomanagethat。I
don’tvalueherresentmentthebounceofacracker。Zounds!heretheyare。Morrice!Prance![ExitHASTINGS。]
EnterMRS。HARDCASTLEandMISSNEVILLE。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Indeed，Constance，youamazeme。Suchagirlasyouwantjewels!Itwillbetimeenoughforjewels，mydear，twentyyearshence，whenyourbeautybeginstowantrepairs。
MISSNEVILLE。Butwhatwillrepairbeautyatforty，willcertainlyimproveitattwenty，madam。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Yours，mydear，canadmitofnone。Thatnaturalblushisbeyondathousandornaments。Besides，child，jewelsarequiteoutatpresent。Don’tyouseehalftheladiesofouracquaintance，myLadyKill—daylight，andMrs。Crump，andtherestofthem，carrytheirjewelstotown，andbringnothingbutpasteandmarcasitesback。
MISSNEVILLE。Butwhoknows，madam，butsomebodythatshallbenamelesswouldlikemebestwithallmylittlefineryaboutme？
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Consultyourglass，mydear，andthenseeif，withsuchapairofeyes，youwantanybettersparklers。Whatdoyouthink，Tony，mydear？doesyourcousinCon。wantanyjewelsinyoureyestosetoffherbeauty？
TONY。That’sasthereaftermaybe。
MISSNEVILLE。Mydearaunt，ifyouknewhowitwouldobligeme。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Aparcelofold—fashionedroseandtable—cutthings。
TheywouldmakeyoulooklikethecourtofKingSolomonatapuppet—show。Besides，Ibelieve，Ican’treadilycomeatthem。Theymaybemissing，foraughtIknowtothecontrary。
TONY。（AparttoMRS。HARDCASTLE。）Thenwhydon’tyoutellhersoatonce，asshe’ssolongingforthem？Tellherthey’relost。It’stheonlywaytoquiether。Saythey’relost，andcallmetobearwitness。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。（AparttoTONY。）Youknow，mydear，I’monlykeepingthemforyou。SoifIsaythey’regone，you’llbearmewitness，willyou？He!he!he!
TONY。Neverfearme。Ecod!I’llsayIsawthemtakenoutwithmyowneyes。
MISSNEVILLE。Idesirethembutforaday，madam。Justtobepermittedtoshowthemasrelics，andthentheymaybelockedupagain。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Tobeplainwithyou，mydearConstance，ifIcouldfindthemyoushouldhavethem。They’remissing，Iassureyou。Lost，foraughtIknow；butwemusthavepatiencewherevertheyare。
MISSNEVILLE。I’llnotbelieveit!thisisbutashallowpretencetodenyme。Iknowtheyaretoovaluabletobesoslightlykept，andasyouaretoanswerfortheloss——
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Don’tbealarmed，Constance。Iftheybelost，Imustrestoreanequivalent。Butmysonknowstheyaremissing，andnottobefound。
TONY。ThatIcanbearwitnessto。Theyaremissing，andnottobefound；I’lltakemyoathon’t。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Youmustlearnresignation，mydear；forthoughweloseourfortune，yetweshouldnotloseourpatience。Seeme，howcalmIam。
MISSNEVILLE。Ay，peoplearegenerallycalmatthemisfortunesofothers。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。NowIwonderagirlofyourgoodsenseshouldwasteathoughtuponsuchtrumpery。Weshallsoonfindthem；andinthemeantimeyoushallmakeuseofmygarnetstillyourjewelsbefound。
MISSNEVILLE。Idetestgarnets。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Themostbecomingthingsintheworldtosetoffaclearcomplexion。Youhaveoftenseenhowwelltheylookuponme。YouSHALLhavethem。[Exit。]
MISSNEVILLE。Idislikethemofallthings。Youshan’tstir。——Waseveranythingsoprovoking，tomislaymyownjewels，andforcemetowearhertrumpery？
TONY。Don’tbeafool。Ifshegivesyouthegarnets，takewhatyoucanget。Thejewelsareyourownalready。Ihavestolenthemoutofherbureau，andshedoesnotknowit。Flytoyourspark，he’lltellyoumoreofthematter。Leavemetomanageher。
MISSNEVILLE。Mydearcousin!
TONY。Vanish。She’shere，andhasmissedthemalready。[ExitMISS
NEVILLE。]Zounds!howshefidgetsandspitsaboutlikeaCatherinewheel。
EnterMRS。HARDCASTLE。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Confusion!thieves!robbers!wearecheated，plundered，brokeopen，undone。
TONY。What’sthematter，what’sthematter，mamma？Ihopenothinghashappenedtoanyofthegoodfamily!
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Wearerobbed。Mybureauhasbeenbrokenopen，thejewelstakenout，andI’mundone。
TONY。Oh!isthatall？Ha!ha!ha!Bythelaws，Ineversawitactedbetterinmylife。Ecod，Ithoughtyouwasruinedinearnest，ha!ha!ha!
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Why，boy，IAMruinedinearnest。Mybureauhasbeenbrokenopen，andalltakenaway。
TONY。Sticktothat：ha!ha!ha!sticktothat。I’llbearwitness，youknow；callmetobearwitness。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Itellyou，Tony，byallthat’sprecious，thejewelsaregone，andIshallberuinedforever。
TONY。SureIknowthey’regone，andI’mtosayso。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。MydearestTony，buthearme。They’regone，Isay。
TONY。Bythelaws，mamma，youmakemefortolaugh，ha!ha!Iknowwhotookthemwellenough，ha!ha!ha!
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Wasthereeversuchablockhead，thatcan’ttellthedifferencebetweenjestandearnest？ItellyouI’mnotinjest，booby。
TONY。That’sright，that’sright；youmustbeinabitterpassion，andthennobodywillsuspecteitherofus。I’llbearwitnessthattheyaregone。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Wasthereeversuchacross—grainedbrute，thatwon’thearme？Canyoubearwitnessthatyou’renobetterthanafool？Waseverpoorwomansobesetwithfoolsononehand，andthievesontheother？
TONY。Icanbearwitnesstothat。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Bearwitnessagain，youblockheadyou，andI’llturnyououtoftheroomdirectly。Mypoorniece，whatwillbecomeofher？
Doyoulaugh，youunfeelingbrute，asifyouenjoyedmydistress？
TONY。Icanbearwitnesstothat。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Doyouinsultme，monster？I’llteachyoutovexyourmother，Iwill。
TONY。Icanbearwitnesstothat。[Herunsoff，shefollowshim。]
EnterMissHARDCASTLEandMaid。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Whatanunaccountablecreatureisthatbrotherofmine，tosendthemtothehouseasaninn!ha!ha!Idon’twonderathisimpudence。
MAID。Butwhatismore，madam，theyounggentleman，asyoupassedbyinyourpresentdress，askedmeifyouwerethebar—maid。Hemistookyouforthebar—maid，madam。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Didhe？ThenasIlive，I’mresolvedtokeepupthedelusion。Tellme，Pimple，howdoyoulikemypresentdress？Don’tyouthinkIlooksomethinglikeCherryintheBeauxStratagem？
MAID。It’sthedress，madam，thateveryladywearsinthecountry，butwhenshevisitsorreceivescompany。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andareyousurehedoesnotremembermyfaceorperson？
MAID。Certainofit。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ivow，Ithoughtso；for，thoughwespokeforsometimetogether，yethisfearsweresuch，thatheneveroncelookedupduringtheinterview。Indeed，ifhehad，mybonnetwouldhavekepthimfromseeingme。
MAID。Butwhatdoyouhopefromkeepinghiminhismistake？
MISSHARDCASTLE。InthefirstplaceIshallbeseen，andthatisnosmalladvantagetoagirlwhobringsherfacetomarket。ThenIshallperhapsmakeanacquaintance，andthat’snosmallvictorygainedoveronewhoneveraddressesanybutthewildestofhersex。Butmychiefaimis，totakemygentlemanoffhisguard，and，likeaninvisiblechampionofromance，examinethegiant’sforcebeforeIoffertocombat。
MAID。Butyouaresureyoucanactyourpart，anddisguiseyourvoicesothathemaymistakethat，ashehasalreadymistakenyourperson？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Neverfearme。IthinkIhavegotthetruebarcant——Didyourhonourcall？——AttendtheLionthere——PipesandtobaccofortheAngel。——TheLambhasbeenoutrageousthishalf—hour。
MAID。Itwilldo，madam。Buthe’shere。[ExitMAID。]
EnterMARLOW。
MARLOW。Whatabawlingineverypartofthehouse!Ihavescarceamoment’srepose。IfIgotothebestroom，thereIfindmyhostandhisstory：ifIflytothegallery，therewehavemyhostesswithhercurtseydowntotheground。Ihaveatlastgotamomenttomyself，andnowforrecollection。[Walksandmuses。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。Didyoucall，sir？Didyourhonourcall？
MARLOW。（Musing。）AsforMissHardcastle，she’stoograveandsentimentalforme。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Didyourhonourcall？（Shestillplacesherselfbeforehim，heturningaway。）
MARLOW。No，child。（Musing。）Besides，fromtheglimpseIhadofher，Ithinkshesquints。
MISSHARDCASTLE。I’msure，sir，Iheardthebellring。
MARLOW。No，no。（Musing。）Ihavepleasedmyfather，however，bycomingdown，andI’llto—morrowpleasemyselfbyreturning。[Takingouthistablets，andperusing。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。Perhapstheothergentlemancalled，sir？
MARLOW。Itellyou，no。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ishouldbegladtoknow，sir。Wehavesuchaparcelofservants!
MARLOW。No，no，Itellyou。（Looksfullinherface。）Yes，child，I
thinkIdidcall。Iwanted——Iwanted——Ivow，child，youarevastlyhandsome。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ola，sir，you’llmakeoneashamed。
MARLOW。Neversawamoresprightlymaliciouseye。Yes，yes，mydear，Ididcall。Haveyougotanyofyour——a——whatd’yecallitinthehouse？
MISSHARDCASTLE。No，sir，wehavebeenoutofthatthesetendays。
MARLOW。Onemaycallinthishouse，Ifind，toverylittlepurpose。
SupposeIshouldcallforataste，justbywayofatrial，ofthenectarofyourlips；perhapsImightbedisappointedinthattoo。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Nectar!nectar!That’saliquorthere’snocallforintheseparts。French，Isuppose。WesellnoFrenchwineshere，sir。
MARLOW。OftrueEnglishgrowth，Iassureyou。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Thenit’soddIshouldnotknowit。Webrewallsortsofwinesinthishouse，andIhavelivedheretheseeighteenyears。
MARLOW。Eighteenyears!Why，onewouldthink，child，youkeptthebarbeforeyouwereborn。Howoldareyou？
MISSHARDCASTLE。O!sir，Imustnottellmyage。Theysaywomenandmusicshouldneverbedated。
MARLOW。Toguessatthisdistance，youcan’tbemuchaboveforty（approaching）。Yet，nearer，Idon’tthinksomuch（approaching）。Bycomingclosetosomewomentheylookyoungerstill；butwhenwecomeverycloseindeed——（attemptingtokissher）。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Pray，sir，keepyourdistance。Onewouldthinkyouwantedtoknowone’sage，astheydohorses，bymarkofmouth。
MARLOW。Iprotest，child，youusemeextremelyill。Ifyoukeepmeatthisdistance，howisitpossibleyouandIcaneverbeacquainted？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Andwhowantstobeacquaintedwithyou？Iwantnosuchacquaintance，notI。I’msureyoudidnottreatMissHardcastle，thatwashereawhileago，inthisobstropalousmanner。I’llwarrantme，beforeheryoulookeddashed，andkeptbowingtotheground，andtalked，foralltheworld，asifyouwasbeforeajusticeofpeace。
MARLOW。（Aside。）Egad，shehashitit，sureenough!（Toher。）Inaweofher，child？Ha!ha!ha!Amereawkwardsquintingthing；no，no。Ifindyoudon’tknowme。Ilaughedandralliedheralittle；butIwasunwillingtobetoosevere。No，Icouldnotbetoosevere，curseme!
MISSHARDCASTLE。O!then，sir，youareafavourite，Ifind，amongtheladies？
MARLOW。Yes，mydear，agreatfavourite。Andyethangme，Idon’tseewhattheyfindinmetofollow。AttheLadies’ClubintownI’mcalledtheiragreeableRattle。Rattle，child，isnotmyrealname，butoneI’mknownby。MynameisSolomons；Mr。Solomons，mydear，atyourservice。（Offeringtosaluteher。）
MISSHARDCASTLE。Hold，sir；youareintroducingmetoyourclub，nottoyourself。Andyou’resogreatafavouritethere，yousay？
MARLOW。Yes，mydear。There’sMrs。Mantrap，LadyBettyBlackleg，theCountessofSligo，Mrs。Langhorns，oldMissBiddyBuckskin，andyourhumbleservant，keepupthespiritoftheplace。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Thenit’saverymerryplace，Isuppose？
MARLOW。Yes，asmerryascards，supper，wine，andoldwomencanmakeus。
MISSHARDCASTLE。AndtheiragreeableRattle，ha!ha!ha!
MARLOW。（Aside。）Egad!Idon’tquitelikethischit。Shelooksknowing，methinks。Youlaugh，child？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ican’tbutlaugh，tothinkwhattimetheyallhaveformindingtheirworkortheirfamily。
MARLOW。（Aside。）All’swell；shedon’tlaughatme。（Toher。）Doyoueverwork，child？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ay，sure。There’snotascreenorquiltinthewholehousebutwhatcanbearwitnesstothat。
MARLOW。Odso!thenyoumustshowmeyourembroidery。Iembroideranddrawpatternsmyselfalittle。Ifyouwantajudgeofyourwork，youmustapplytome。（Seizingherhand。）
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ay，butthecoloursdonotlookwellbycandlelight。
Youshallseeallinthemorning。（Struggling。）
MARLOW。Andwhynotnow，myangel？Suchbeautyfiresbeyondthepowerofresistance。——Pshaw!thefatherhere!Myoldluck：InevernickedseventhatIdidnotthrowamesacethreetimesfollowing。
[ExitMARLOW。]
EnterHARDCASTLE，whostandsinsurprise。
HARDCASTLE。So，madam。So，IfindTHISisyourMODESTlover。Thisisyourhumbleadmirer，thatkepthiseyesfixedontheground，andonlyadoredathumbledistance。Kate，Kate，artthounotashamedtodeceiveyourfatherso？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Nevertrustme，dearpapa，buthe’sstillthemodestmanIfirsttookhimfor；you’llbeconvincedofitaswellasI。
HARDCASTLE。Bythehandofmybody，Ibelievehisimpudenceisinfectious!Didn’tIseehimseizeyourhand？Didn’tIseehimhaulyouaboutlikeamilkmaid？Andnowyoutalkofhisrespectandhismodesty，forsooth!
MISSHARDCASTLE。ButifIshortlyconvinceyouofhismodesty，thathehasonlythefaultsthatwillpassoffwithtime，andthevirtuesthatwillimprovewithage，Ihopeyou’llforgivehim。
HARDCASTLE。Thegirlwouldactuallymakeonerunmad!Itellyou，I’llnotbeconvinced。Iamconvinced。Hehasscarcebeenthreehoursinthehouse，andhehasalreadyencroachedonallmyprerogatives。
Youmaylikehisimpudence，andcallitmodesty；butmyson—in—law，madam，musthaveverydifferentqualifications。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Sir，Iaskbutthisnighttoconvinceyou。
HARDCASTLE。Youshallnothavehalfthetime，forIhavethoughtsofturninghimoutthisveryhour。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Givemethathourthen，andIhopetosatisfyyou。
HARDCASTLE。Well，anhourletitbethen。ButI’llhavenotriflingwithyourfather。Allfairandopen，doyoumindme。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ihope，sir，youhaveeverfoundthatIconsideredyourcommandsasmypride；foryourkindnessissuch，thatmydutyasyethasbeeninclination。[Exeunt。]
ACTTHEFOURTH。
EnterHASTINGSandMISSNEVILLE。
HASTINGS。Yousurpriseme；SirCharlesMarlowexpectedherethisnight!Wherehaveyouhadyourinformation？
MISSNEVILLE。Youmaydependuponit。IjustsawhislettertoMr。
Hardcastle，inwhichhetellshimheintendssettingoutafewhoursafterhisson。
HASTINGS。Then，myConstance，allmustbecompletedbeforehearrives。Heknowsme；andshouldhefindmehere，woulddiscovermyname，andperhapsmydesigns，totherestofthefamily。
MISSNEVILLE。Thejewels，Ihope，aresafe？
HASTINGS。Yes，yes，IhavesentthemtoMarlow，whokeepsthekeysofourbaggage。Inthemeantime，I’llgotopreparemattersforourelopement。Ihavehadthe’squire’spromiseofafreshpairofhorses；
andifIshouldnotseehimagain，willwritehimfurtherdirections。
[Exit。]
MISSNEVILLE。Well!successattendyou。InthemeantimeI’llgoandamusemyauntwiththeoldpretenceofaviolentpassionformycousin。
[Exit。]
EnterMARLOW，followedbyaServant。
MARLOW。IwonderwhatHastingscouldmeanbysendingmesovaluableathingasacaskettokeepforhim，whenheknowstheonlyplaceIhaveistheseatofapost—coachataninn—door。Haveyoudepositedthecasketwiththelandlady，asIorderedyou？Haveyouputitintoherownhands？
SERVANT。Yes，yourhonour。
MARLOW。Shesaidshe’dkeepitsafe，didshe？
SERVANT。Yes，shesaidshe’dkeepitsafeenough；sheaskedmehowI
camebyit；andshesaidshehadagreatmindtomakemegiveanaccountofmyself。[ExitServant。]
MARLOW。Ha!ha!ha!They’resafe，however。Whatanunaccountablesetofbeingshavewegotamongst!Thislittlebar—maidthoughrunsinmyheadmoststrangely，anddrivesouttheabsurditiesofalltherestofthefamily。She’smine，shemustbemine，orI’mgreatlymistaken。
EnterHASTINGS。
HASTINGS。Blessme!IquiteforgottotellherthatIintendedtoprepareatthebottomofthegarden。Marlowhere，andinspiritstoo!
MARLOW。Givemejoy，George!Crownme，shadowmewithlaurels!
Well，George，afterall，wemodestfellowsdon’twantforsuccessamongthewomen。
HASTINGS。Somewomen，youmean。Butwhatsuccesshasyourhonour’smodestybeencrownedwithnow，thatitgrowssoinsolentuponus？
MARLOW。Didn’tyouseethetempting，brisk，lovelylittlething，thatrunsaboutthehousewithabunchofkeystoitsgirdle？
HASTINGS。Well，andwhatthen？
MARLOW。She’smine，yourogueyou。Suchfire，suchmotion，sucheyes，suchlips；but，egad!shewouldnotletmekissthemthough。
HASTINGS。Butareyousosure，soverysureofher？
MARLOW。Why，man，shetalkedofshowingmeherworkabovestairs，andIamtoimprovethepattern。
HASTINGS。Buthowcanyou，Charles，goabouttorobawomanofherhonour？
MARLOW。Pshaw!pshaw!Weallknowthehonourofthebar—maidofaninn。Idon’tintendtorobher，takemywordforit；there’snothinginthishouseIshan’thonestlypayfor。
HASTINGS。Ibelievethegirlhasvirtue。
MARLOW。Andifshehas，Ishouldbethelastmanintheworldthatwouldattempttocorruptit。
HASTINGS。Youhavetakencare，Ihope，ofthecasketIsentyoutolockup？Isitinsafety？
MARLOW。Yes，yes。It’ssafeenough。Ihavetakencareofit。Buthowcouldyouthinktheseatofapost—coachataninn—dooraplaceofsafety？Ah!numskull!Ihavetakenbetterprecautionsforyouthanyoudidforyourself————Ihave————
HASTINGS。What？
MARLOW。Ihavesentittothelandladytokeepforyou。
HASTINGS。Tothelandlady!
MARLOW。Thelandlady。
HASTINGS。Youdid？
MARLOW。Idid。She’stobeanswerableforitsforthcoming，youknow。
HASTINGS。Yes，she’llbringitforthwithawitness。
MARLOW。Wasn’tIright？Ibelieveyou’llallowthatIactedprudentlyuponthisoccasion。
HASTINGS。（Aside。）Hemustnotseemyuneasiness。
MARLOW。Youseemalittledisconcertedthough，methinks。Surenothinghashappened？
HASTINGS。No，nothing。Neverwasinbetterspiritsinallmylife。
Andsoyouleftitwiththelandlady，who，nodoubt，veryreadilyundertookthecharge。
MARLOW。Rathertooreadily。Forshenotonlykeptthecasket，but，throughhergreatprecaution，wasgoingtokeepthemessengertoo。Ha!
ha!ha!
HASTINGS。He!he!he!They’resafe，however。
MARLOW。Asaguineainamiser’spurse。
HASTINGS。（Aside。）Sonowallhopesoffortuneareatanend，andwemustsetoffwithoutit。（Tohim。）Well，Charles，I’llleaveyoutoyourmeditationsontheprettybar—maid，and，he!he!he!mayyoubeassuccessfulforyourself，asyouhavebeenforme![Exit。]
MARLOW。Thankye，George：Iasknomore。Ha!ha!ha!
EnterHARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。Inolongerknowmyownhouse。It’sturnedalltopsy—turvy。Hisservantshavegotdrunkalready。I’llbearitnolonger；andyet，frommyrespectforhisfather，I’llbecalm。（Tohim。）Mr。Marlow，yourservant。I’myourveryhumbleservant。
（Bowinglow。）
MARLOW。Sir，yourhumbleservant。（Aside。）What’stobethewondernow？
HARDCASTLE。Ibelieve，sir，youmustbesensible，sir，thatnomanaliveoughttobemorewelcomethanyourfather’sson，sir。Ihopeyouthinkso？
MARLOW。Idofrommysoul，sir。Idon’twantmuchentreaty。I
generallymakemyfather’ssonwelcomewhereverhegoes。
HARDCASTLE。Ibelieveyoudo，frommysoul，sir。ButthoughIsaynothingtoyourownconduct，thatofyourservantsisinsufferable。
Theirmannerofdrinkingissettingaverybadexampleinthishouse，Iassureyou。
MARLOW。Iprotest，myverygoodsir，thatisnofaultofmine。Iftheydon’tdrinkastheyought，theyaretoblame。Iorderedthemnottosparethecellar。Idid，Iassureyou。（Tothesidescene。）Here，letoneofmyservantscomeup。（Tohim。）Mypositivedirectionswere，thatasIdidnotdrinkmyself，theyshouldmakeupformydeficienciesbelow。
HARDCASTLE。Thentheyhadyourordersforwhattheydo？I’msatisfied!
MARLOW。Theyhad，Iassureyou。Youshallhearfromoneofthemselves。
EnterServant，drunk。
MARLOW。You，Jeremy!Comeforward，sirrah!Whatweremyorders？
Wereyounottoldtodrinkfreely，andcallforwhatyouthoughtfit，forthegoodofthehouse？
HARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Ibegintolosemypatience。
JEREMY。Pleaseyourhonour，libertyandFleet—streetforever!
ThoughI’mbutaservant，I’masgoodasanotherman。I’lldrinkfornomanbeforesupper，sir，damme!Goodliquorwillsituponagoodsupper，butagoodsupperwillnotsitupon————hiccup————onmyconscience，sir。
MARLOW。Yousee，myoldfriend，thefellowisasdrunkashecanpossiblybe。Idon’tknowwhatyou’dhavemore，unlessyou’dhavethepoordevilsousedinabeer—barrel。
HARDCASTLE。Zounds!he’lldrivemedistracted，ifIcontainmyselfanylonger。Mr。Marlow——Sir；Ihavesubmittedtoyourinsolenceformorethanfourhours，andIseenolikelihoodofitscomingtoanend。I’mnowresolvedtobemasterhere，sir；andIdesirethatyouandyourdrunkenpackmayleavemyhousedirectly。
MARLOW。Leaveyourhouse!————Sureyoujest，mygoodfriend!What？
whenI’mdoingwhatIcantopleaseyou。
HARDCASTLE。Itellyou，sir，youdon’tpleaseme；soIdesireyou’llleavemyhouse。
MARLOW。Sureyoucannotbeserious？Atthistimeo’night，andsuchanight？Youonlymeantobanterme。
HARDCASTLE。Itellyou，sir，I’mserious!andnowthatmypassionsareroused，Isaythishouseismine，sir；thishouseismine，andI
commandyoutoleaveitdirectly。
MARLOW。Ha!ha!ha!Apuddleinastorm。Ishan’tstirastep，I
assureyou。（Inaserioustone。）Thisyourhouse，fellow!It’smyhouse。Thisismyhouse。Mine，whileIchoosetostay。Whatrighthaveyoutobidmeleavethishouse，sir？Inevermetwithsuchimpudence，curseme；neverinmywholelifebefore。
HARDCASTLE。NorI，confoundmeifeverIdid。Tocometomyhouse，tocallforwhathelikes，toturnmeoutofmyownchair，toinsultthefamily，toorderhisservantstogetdrunk，andthentotellme，\"Thishouseismine，sir。\"Byallthat’simpudent，itmakesmelaugh。Ha!
ha!ha!Pray，sir（bantering），asyoutakethehouse，whatthinkyouoftakingtherestofthefurniture？There’sapairofsilvercandlesticks，andthere’safire—screen，andhere’sapairofbrazen—nosedbellows；perhapsyoumaytakeafancytothem？
MARLOW。Bringmeyourbill，sir；bringmeyourbill，andlet’smakenomorewordsaboutit。
HARDCASTLE。Thereareasetofprints，too。WhatthinkyouoftheRake’sProgress，foryourownapartment？
MARLOW。Bringmeyourbill，Isay；andI’llleaveyouandyourinfernalhousedirectly。
HARDCASTLE。Thenthere’samahoganytablethatyoumayseeyourownfacein。
MARLOW。Mybill，Isay。
HARDCASTLE。Ihadforgotthegreatchairforyourownparticularslumbers，afteraheartymeal。
MARLOW。Zounds!bringmemybill，Isay，andlet’shearnomoreon’t。
HARDCASTLE。Youngman，youngman，fromyourfather’slettertome，I
wastaughttoexpectawell—bredmodestmanasavisitorhere，butnowIfindhimnobetterthanacoxcombandabully；buthewillbedownherepresently，andshallhearmoreofit。[Exit。]
MARLOW。How’sthis？SureIhavenotmistakenthehouse。Everythinglookslikeaninn。Theservantscry，coming；theattendanceisawkward；thebar—maid，too，toattendus。Butshe’shere，andwillfurtherinformme。Whithersofast，child？Awordwithyou。
EnterMISSHARDCASTLE。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Letitbeshort，then。I’minahurry。（Aside。）I
believebebeginstofindouthismistake。Butit’stoosoonquitetoundeceivehim。
MARLOW。Pray，child，answermeonequestion。Whatareyou，andwhatmayyourbusinessinthishousebe？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Arelationofthefamily，sir。
MARLOW。What，apoorrelation。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Yes，sir。Apoorrelation，appointedtokeepthekeys，andtoseethattheguestswantnothinginmypowertogivethem。
MARLOW。Thatis，youactasthebar—maidofthisinn。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Inn!Olaw————whatbroughtthatinyourhead？Oneofthebestfamiliesinthecountrykeepaninn——Ha!ha!ha!oldMr。
Hardcastle’shouseaninn!
MARLOW。Mr。Hardcastle’shouse!IsthisMr。Hardcastle’shouse，child？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ay，sure!Whoseelseshoulditbe？
MARLOW。Sothen，all’sout，andIhavebeendamnablyimposedon。O，confoundmystupidhead，Ishallbelaughedatoverthewholetown。I
shallbestuckupincaricaturainalltheprint—shops。TheDULLISSIMO
MACCARONI。Tomistakethishouseofallothersforaninn，andmyfather’soldfriendforaninnkeeper!Whataswaggeringpuppymusthetakemefor!WhatasillypuppydoIfindmyself!Thereagain，mayI
behanged，mydear，butImistookyouforthebar—maid。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Dearme!dearme!I’msurethere’snothinginmyBEHAVIOURtoputmeonalevelwithoneofthatstamp。
MARLOW。Nothing，mydear，nothing。ButIwasinforalistofblunders，andcouldnothelpmakingyouasubscriber。Mystupiditysaweverythingthewrongway。Imistookyourassiduityforassurance，andyoursimplicityforallurement。Butit’sover。ThishouseInomoreshowMYfacein。
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ihope，sir，Ihavedonenothingtodisobligeyou。
I’msureIshouldbesorrytoaffrontanygentlemanwhohasbeensopolite，andsaidsomanycivilthingstome。I’msureIshouldbesorry（pretendingtocry）ifheleftthefamilyuponmyaccount。I’msureIshouldbesorryifpeoplesaidanythingamiss，sinceIhavenofortunebutmycharacter。
MARLOW。（Aside。）ByHeaven!sheweeps。ThisisthefirstmarkoftendernessIeverhadfromamodestwoman，andittouchesme。（Toher。）Excuseme，mylovelygirl；youaretheonlypartofthefamilyI
leavewithreluctance。Buttobeplainwithyou，thedifferenceofourbirth，fortune，andeducation，makesanhonourableconnexionimpossible；andIcanneverharbourathoughtofseducingsimplicitythattrustedinmyhonour，ofbringingruinupononewhoseonlyfaultwasbeingtoolovely。
MISSHARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Generousman!Inowbegintoadmirehim。
（Tohim。）ButIamsuremyfamilyisasgoodasMissHardcastle’s；andthoughI’mpoor，that’snogreatmisfortunetoacontentedmind；and，untilthismoment，Ineverthoughtthatitwasbadtowantfortune。
MARLOW。Andwhynow，myprettysimplicity？
MISSHARDCASTLE。Becauseitputsmeatadistancefromonethat，ifI
hadathousandpounds，Iwouldgiveitallto。
MARLOW。（Aside。）Thissimplicitybewitchesme，sothatifIstay，I’mundone。Imustmakeoneboldeffort，andleaveher。（Toher。）Yourpartialityinmyfavour，mydear，touchesmemostsensibly：andwereI
toliveformyselfalone，Icouldeasilyfixmychoice。ButIowetoomuchtotheopinionoftheworld，toomuchtotheauthorityofafather；sothat——Icanscarcelyspeakit——itaffectsme。Farewell。
[Exit。]
MISSHARDCASTLE。Ineverknewhalfhismerittillnow。Heshallnotgo，ifIhavepowerorarttodetainhim。I’llstillpreservethecharacterinwhichISTOOPEDTOCONQUER；butwillundeceivemypapa，whoperhapsmaylaughhimoutofhisresolution。[Exit。]
EnterTonyandMISSNEVILLE。
TONY。Ay，youmaystealforyourselvesthenexttime。Ihavedonemyduty。Shehasgotthejewelsagain，that’sasurething；butshebelievesitwasallamistakeoftheservants。
MISSNEVILLE。But，mydearcousin，sureyouwon’tforsakeusinthisdistress？IfsheintheleastsuspectsthatIamgoingoff，Ishallcertainlybelockedup，orsenttomyauntPedigree’s，whichistentimesworse。
TONY。Tobesure，auntsofallkindsaredamnedbadthings。ButwhatcanIdo？IhavegotyouapairofhorsesthatwillflylikeWhistle—jacket；andI’msureyoucan’tsaybutIhavecourtedyounicelybeforeherface。Hereshecomes，wemustcourtabitortwomore，forfearsheshouldsuspectus。[Theyretire，andseemtofondle。]
EnterMRS。HARDCASTLE。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Well，Iwasgreatlyfluttered，tobesure。Butmysontellsmeitwasallamistakeoftheservants。Ishan’tbeeasy，however，tilltheyarefairlymarried，andthenletherkeepherownfortune。ButwhatdoIsee？fondlingtogether，asI’malive。IneversawTonysosprightlybefore。Ah!haveIcaughtyou，myprettydoves？
What，billing，exchangingstolenglancesandbrokenmurmurs？Ah!
TONY。Asformurmurs，mother，wegrumblealittlenowandthen，tobesure。Butthere’snolovelostbetweenus。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ameresprinkling，Tony，upontheflame，onlytomakeitburnbrighter。
MISSNEVILLE。CousinTonypromisestogiveusmoreofhiscompanyathome。Indeed，heshan’tleaveusanymore。Itwon’tleaveus，cousinTony，willit？
TONY。O!it’saprettycreature。No，I’dsoonerleavemyhorseinapound，thanleaveyouwhenyousmileupononeso。Yourlaughmakesyousobecoming。
MISSNEVILLE。Agreeablecousin!Whocanhelpadmiringthatnaturalhumour，thatpleasant，broad，red，thoughtless（pattinghischeek）——ah!
it’saboldface。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Prettyinnocence!
TONY。I’msureIalwayslovedcousinCon。’shazleeyes，andherprettylongfingers，thatshetwiststhiswayandthatoverthehaspicholls，likeaparcelofbobbins。
MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ah!hewouldcharmthebirdfromthetree。Iwasneversohappybefore。Myboytakesafterhisfather，poorMr。
Lumpkin，exactly。Thejewels，mydearCon。，shallbeyoursincontinently。Youshallhavethem。Isn’theasweetboy，mydear？
Youshallbemarriedto—morrow，andwe’llputofftherestofhiseducation，likeDr。Drowsy’ssermons，toafitteropportunity。
EnterDIGGORY。
DIGGORY。Where’sthe’squire？Ihavegotaletterforyourworship。
TONY。Giveittomymamma。Shereadsallmylettersfirst。