[Readsthesuperscription。]ForLewisBaboon，MasteroftheNobleScienceofDefence。
\"SIR。——IunderstandthatyouareatthistimetreatingwithmyfriendJohnBull，aboutrestoringtheLordStrutt’scustom，andbesidesallowinghimcertainprivilegesofparksandfish-ponds;I
wonderhowyouthatareamanthatknowstheworld，cantalkwiththatsimplefellow。Hehasbeenmybubblethesetwentyyears，andtomycertainknowledge，understandsnomoreofhisownaffairsthanachildinswaddlingclothes。Iknowhehasgotasortofapragmaticalsillyjadeofawife，thatpretendstotakehimoutofmyhands;butyouandshebothwillfindyourselvesmistaken;I’llfindthosethatshallmanageher;andforhim，hedaresaswellbehangedasmakeonestepinhisaffairswithoutmyconsent。Ifyouwillgivemewhatyoupromisedhim，Iwillmakeallthingseasy，andstopthedeedsofejectmentagainstLordStrutt：ifyouwillnot，takewhatfollows。Ishallhaveagoodactionagainstyou，forpretendingtorobmeofmybubble。Takethiswarningfrom\"Yourlovingfriend，\"NIC。FROG。\"
*SecretnegotiationsoftheDutchatthattime。
Iamtold，cousinDiego，youareoneofthosethathaveundertakentomanageme，andthatyouhavesaidyouwillcarryagreenbagyourself，ratherthanweshallmakeanendofourlawsuit：I’llteachthemandyoutootomanage。
D。DIEGO。——ForGod’ssake，madam，whysocholeric？Isaythisletterissomeforgery;itneverenteredintotheheadofthathonestman，Nic。Frog，todoanysuchthing。
MRS。BULL。——Ican’tabideyou。YouhavebeenrailingthesetwentyyearsatSquireSouth，Frog，andHocus，callingthemroguesandpickpockets，andnowtheyareturnedthehonestestfellowsintheworld。Whatisthemeaningofallthis？
D。DIEGO。——PraytellmehowyoucametoemploythisSirRogerinyouraffairs，andnotthinkofyouroldfriendDiego？
MRS。BULL。——So，so，thereitpinches。Totellyoutruth，IhaveemployedSirRogerinseveralweightyaffairs，andhavefoundhimtrustyandhonest，andthepoormanalwaysscornedtotakeafarthingofme。Ihaveabundancethatprofessgreatzeal，buttheyaredamnablegreedyofthepence。MyhusbandandIarenowinsuchcircumstances，thatwemustbeserveduponcheapertermsthanwehavebeen。
D。DIEGO。——Well，cousin，IfindIcandonogoodwithyou;IamsorrythatyouwillruinyourselfbytrustingthisSirRoger。
CHAPTERXVI。HowtheguardiansofthedeceasedMrs。Bull’sthreedaughterscametoJohn，andwhatadvicetheygavehim;whereinisbrieflytreatedthecharactersofthethreedaughters。AlsoJohnBull’sanswertothethreeguardians。*
*Concernsoftheparty，andspeechesforcarryingonthewar，etc。
SentimentsoftheToriesandHouseofCommonsagainstcontinuingthewarforsettingKingCharlesuponthethroneofSpain。
ItoldyouinaformerchapterthatMrs。Bull，beforeshedepartedthislife，hadblessedJohnwiththreedaughters。Ineednothererepeattheirnames，neitherwouldIwillinglyuseanyscandalousreflectionsuponyoungladies，whosereputationsoughttobeverytenderlyhandled;butthecharactersoftheseweresowellknownintheneighbourhood，thatitisdoingthemnoinjurytomakeashortdescriptionofthem。
Theeldest*wasatermagant，imperious，prodigal，lewd，profligatewench，aseverbreathed;sheusedtorantipoleaboutthehouse，pinchthechildren，kicktheservants，andtorturethecatsandthedogs;shewouldrobherfather’sstrongbox，formoneytogivetheyoungfellowsthatshewasfondof。Shehadanobleair，andsomethinggreatinhermien，butsuchanoisomeinfectiousbreath，asthrewalltheservantsthatdressedherintoconsumptions;ifshesmelttothefreshestnosegay，itwouldshrivelandwitherasithadbeenblighted：sheusedtocomehomeinhercups，andbreakthechina，andthelooking-glasses;andwasofsuchanirregulartemper，andsoentirelygivenuptoherpassion，thatyoumightargueaswellwiththeNorthwind，aswithherladyship：soexpensive，thattheincomeofthreedukedomswasnotenoughtosupplyherextravagance。Hocuslovedherbest，believinghertobehisown，gotuponthebodyofMrs。Bull。
*Polemia。
Theseconddaughter，*bornayearafterhersister，wasapeevish，froward，ill-conditionedcreatureaseverwas，uglyasthedevil，lean，haggard，pale，withsaucereyes，asharpnose，andhunchedbacked;butactive，sprightly，anddiligentaboutheraffairs。Herillcomplexionwasoccasionedbyherbaddiet，whichwascoffee**
morning，noon，andnight。Sheneverrestedquietlya-bed，butusedtodisturbthewholefamilywithshriekingoutinherdreams，andplaguethemnextdaywithinterpretingthem，forshetookthemallforgospel;shewouldcryout\"Murder！\"anddisturbthewholeneighbourhood;andwhenJohncamerunningdownstairstoinquirewhatthematterwas，nothingforsooth，onlyhermaidhadstuckapinwronginhergown;sheturnedawayoneservantforputtingtoomuchoilinhersalad，andanotherforputtingtoolittlesaltinherwater-gruel;butsuchasbyflatteryhadprocuredheresteem，shewouldindulgeinthegreatestcrime。Herfatherhadtwocoachmen;
whenonewasinthecoach-box，ifthecoachswungbuttheleasttooneside，sheusedtoshrieksoloud，thatallthestreetconcludedshewasoverturned;butthoughtheotherwaseternallydrunk，andhadoverturnedthewholefamily，shewasveryangrywithherfatherforturninghimaway。Thensheusedtocarrytalesandstoriesfromonetoanother，tillshehadsetthewholeneighbourhoodtogetherbytheears;andthiswastheonlydiversionshetookpleasurein。Sheneverwentabroad，butshebroughthomesuchabundleofmonstrouslies，aswouldhaveamazedanymortal，butsuchasknowher：ofawhalethathadswallowedafleetofships;ofthelionsbeingletoutoftheTower，todestroytheProtestantreligion;ofthePope’sbeingseeninabrandy-shopatWapping;andaprodigiousstrongmanthatwasgoingtoshovedownthecupolaofSt。Paul’s;ofthreemillionsoffivepoundpiecesthatSquireSouthhadfoundunderanoldwall;ofblazingstars，flyingdragons，andabundanceofsuchstuff。Alltheservantsinthefamilymadehighcourttoher，forshedomineeredthere，andturnedoutandinwhomshepleased;onlytherewasanoldgrudgebetweenherandSirRoger，whomshemortallyhatedandusedtohirefellowstosquirtkennelwateruponhimashepassedalongthestreets;sothathewasforcedconstantlytowearasurtoutofoiledcloth，bywhichmeanshecamehomeprettyclean，exceptwherethesurtoutwasalittlescanty。
*Discordia。
**Coffee-housetattle。
Asforthethird*shewasathiefandacommonmercenary。Shehadnorespectofpersons：aprinceoraporterwasallone，accordingastheypaid;yea，shewouldleavethefinestgentlemanintheworldtogotoanuglyfellowforsixpencemore。Inthepracticeofherprofessionshehadamassedvastmagazinesofallsortsofthings：
shehadabovefivehundredsuitsoffineclothes，andyetwentabroadlikeacinderwench。Sherobbedandstarvedalltheservants，sothatnobodycouldlivenearher。
*Usuria。
SomuchforJohn’sthreedaughters，whichyouwillsaywereraritiestobefondof。YetNaturewillshewitself。Nobodycouldblametheirrelationsfortakingcareofthem，andthereforeitwasthatHocus，withtwootheroftheguardians，thoughtittheirdutytotakecareoftheinterestofthethreegirlsandgiveJohntheirbestadvicebeforehecompoundedthelawsuit。
HOCUS。——Whatmakesyousoshyoflate，mygoodfriend？There’snobodylovesyoubetterthanI，norhastakenmorepainsinyouraffairs。AsIhopetobesavedIwoulddoanythingtoserveyou;I
wouldcrawluponallfourstoserveyou;Ihavespentmyhealthandpaternalestateinyourservice。Ihave，indeed，asmallpittanceleft，withwhichImightretire，andwithasgoodaconscienceasanyman;butthethoughtsofthisdisgracefulcompositionsotouchesmetothequickthatIcannotsleep。AfterIhadbroughtthecausetothelaststroke，thatoneverdictmorehadquiteruinedoldLewisandLordStrutt，andputyouinthequietpossessionofeverything——
thentocompound！Icannotbearit。Thiscausewasmyfavourite;I
hadsetmyheartuponit;itislikeanonlychild;Icannotendureitshouldmiscarry。ForGod’ssakeconsideronlytowhatadismalconditionoldLewisisbrought。Heisatanendofallhiscash;
hisattorneyshavehardlyonetrickleft;theyareatanendofalltheirchicane;besides，hehasbothhislawandhisdailybreadnowupontrust。Holdoutonlyonetermlonger，andI’llwarrantyoubeforethenextweshallhavehimintheFleet。I’llbringhimtothepillory;hisearsshallpayforhisperjuries。FortheloveofGoddon’tcompound。LetmebedamnedifyouhaveafriendintheworldthatlovesyoubetterthanI。ThereisnobodycansayIamcovetousorthatIhaveanyintereststopursuebutyours。
SECONDGUARDIAN。——ThereisnothingsoplainasthatthisLewishasadesigntoruinallhisneighbouringtradesmen，andatthistimehehassuchaprodigiousincomebyhistradeofallkinds，that，ifthereisnotsomestopputtohisexorbitantriches，hewillmonopoliseeverything;nobodywillbeabletosellayardofdraperyormercerywarebuthimself。Ithenholditadvisablethatyoucontinuethelawsuitandbursthimatonce。Myconcernforthethreepoormotherlesschildrenobligesmetogiveyouthisadvice;
fortheirestates，poorgirls，dependuponthesuccessofthiscause。
THIRDGUARDIAN。——IownthisWritofEjectmenthascostdear，butthenconsideritisajewelwellworththepurchasingatthepriceofallyouhave。NonebutMr。Bull’sdeclaredenemiescansayhehasanyothersecurityforhisclothingtradebuttheejectmentofLordStrutt。Theonlyquestion，then，thatremainstobedecidedis：whoshallstandtheexpensesofthesuit？Towhichtheanswerisasplain：whobuthethatistohavetheadvantageofthesentence？WhenEsquireSouthhasgotpossessionofhistitleandhonourisnotJohnBulltobehisclothier？Who，then，butJohnoughttoputinpossession？Askbutanyindifferentgentleman，Whooughttobearhischargesatlaw？andhewillreadilyanswer，Histradesmen。Idothereforeaffirm，andIwillgotodeathwithit，that，beinghisclothier，yououghttoputhiminquietpossessionofhisestate，andwiththesamegenerousspirityouhavebegunitcompletethegoodwork。Ifyoupersistinthebadmeasuresyouarenowin，whatmustbecomeofthethreepoororphans！Myheartbleedsforthepoorgirls。
JOHNBULL。——Youareallveryeloquentpersons，butgivemeleavetotellyouyouexpressagreatdealmoreconcernforthethreegirlsthanforme。Ithinkmyinterestoughttobeconsideredinthefirstplace。Asforyou，Hocus，Ican’tbutsayyouhavemanagedmylawsuitwithgreataddressandmuchtomyhonour，and，thoughIsayit，youhavebeenwellpaidforit。WhymusttheburdenbetakenoffFrog’sbackandlaiduponmyshoulders？Hecandriveabouthisownparksandfieldsinhisgiltchariot，whenIhavebeenforcedtomortgagemyestate;hisnotewillgofartherthanmybond。Isitnotmatteroffact，thatfromtherichesttradesmaninallthecountry，Iamreducedtobegandborrowfromscrivenersandusurersthatsucktheheart，blood，andgutsoutofme，andwhatisallthisfor！DidyoulikeFrog’scountenancebetterthanmine？WasnotI
youroldfriendandrelation？HaveInotpresentedyounobly？HaveInotcladyourwholefamily？Haveyounothadahundredyardsatatimeofthefinestclothinmyshop？Whymusttherestofthetradesmenbenotonlyindemnifiedfromcharges，butforbidtogoonwiththeirownbusiness，andwhatismoretheirconcernthanmine？
AstoholdingoutthistermIappealtoyourownconscience，hasnotthatbeenyourconstantdiscoursethesesixyears，\"OnetermmoreandoldLewisgoestopot？\"Ifthouartsofondofmycausebegenerousforonce，andlendmeabraceofthousands。Ah，Hocus！
Hocus！Iknowthee：notasoustosavemefromjail，Itrow。Lookye，gentlemen，Ihavelivedwithcreditintheworld，anditgrievesmyheartnevertostiroutofmydoorsbuttobepulledbythesleevebysomerascallydunorother。\"Sir，remembermybill。
There’sasmallconcernofathousandpounds;Ihopeyouthinkon’t，sir。\"Andtohavetheseusurerstransactmydebtsatcoffee-housesandale-houses，asifIweregoingtobreakupshop。Lord！thatevertherich，thegenerousJohnBull，clothier，theenvyofallhisneighbours，shouldbebroughttocompoundhisdebtsforfiveshillingsinthepound，andtohavehisnameinanadvertisementforastatuteofbankrupt。Thethoughtofitmakesmemad。IhavereadsomewhereintheApocrypha，\"Thatoneshouldnotconsultwithawomantouchingherofwhomsheisjealous;norwithamerchantconcerningexchange;norwithabuyer，ofselling;norwithanunmercifulman，ofkindness，etc。\"Icouldhaveaddedonethingmore：norwithanattorneyaboutcompoundingalawsuit。TheejectmentofLordStruttwillneverdo。Theevidenceiscrimp：thewitnessesswearbackwardsandforwards，andcontradictthemselves;
andhistenantsstickbyhim。OnetellsmethatImustcarryonmysuit，becauseLewisispoor;another，becauseheisstilltoorich：
whomshallIbelieve？Iamsureofonething，thatapennyinthepurseisthebestfriendJohncanhaveatlast，andwhocansaythatthiswillbethelastsuitIshallbeengagedin？Besides，ifthisejectmentwerepracticableisitreasonablethat，whenEsquireSouthislosinghismoneytosharpersandpickpockets，goingaboutthecountrywithfiddlersandbuffoons，andsquanderinghisincomewithhawksanddogs，Ishouldlayoutthefruitsofmyhonestindustryinalawsuitforhim，onlyuponthehopesofbeinghisclothier？AndwhenthecauseisoverIshallnothavethebenefitofmyprojectforwantofmoneytogotomarket。Lookye，gentlemen，JohnBullisbutaplainman，butJohnBullknowswhenheisillused。Iknowtheinfirmityofourfamily：weareapttoplaytheboon-companionandthrowawayourmoneyinourcups。Butitwasanunfairthinginyou，gentlemen，totakeadvantageofmyweakness，tokeepaparcelofroaringbulliesaboutmedayandnight，withhuzzasandhuntinghorns，andringingthechangesonbutcher’scleavers;neverletmecool，andmakemesetmyhandtopaperswhenIcouldhardlyholdmypen。Therewillcomeadayofreckoningforallthatproceeding。
Inthemeantime，gentlemen，Ibegyouwillletmeintomyaffairsalittle，andthatyouwouldnotgrudgemethesmallremainderofaverygreatestate。
CHAPTERXVII。EsquireSouth’sMessageandLettertoMrs。Bull。*
*ComplaintsofthedeficienciesoftheHouseofAustria，PrinceEugene’sjourneyandmessage。
TheargumentsusedbyHocusandtherestoftheguardianshadhithertoprovedinsufficient。JohnandhiswifecouldnotbepersuadedtobeartheexpenseofEsquireSouth’slawsuit。Theythoughtitreasonablethat，sincehewastohavethehonourandadvantage，heshouldbearthegreatestshareofthecharges，andretrenchwhathelosttosharpersandspentuponcountrydancesandpuppetplaystoapplyittothatuse。Thiswasnotverygratefultotheesquire;therefore，asthelastexperiment，hewasresolvedtosendSigniorBenenato，masterofhisfoxhounds，toMrs。Bulltotrywhatgoodhecoulddowithher。ThisSigniorBenenatohadallthequalitiesofafinegentlemanthatweresettocharmalady’sheart，andifanypersonintheworldcouldhavepersuadedheritwashe。
Butsuchwasherunshakenfidelitytoherhusband，andtheconstantpurposeofhermindtopursuehisinterest，thatthemostrefinedartsofgallantrythatwerepractisedcouldnotseduceherheart。
Thenecklaces，diamondcrosses，andrichbraceletsthatwereofferedsherejectedwiththeutmostscornanddisdain。Themusicandserenadesthatweregivenhersoundedmoreungratefullyinherearsthanthenoiseofascreechowl。However，shereceivedEsquireSouth’sletterbythehandsofSigniorBenenatowiththatrespectwhichbecamehisquality。Thecopyoftheletterisasfollows，inwhichyouwillobservehechangesalittlehisusualstyle：——
MADAM，——TheWritofEjectmentagainstPhilipBaboon（pretendedLordStrutt）isjustreadytopass。Therewantbutafewnecessaryformsandaverdictortwomoretoputmeinthequietpossessionofmyhonourandestate。Iquestionnotbutthat，accordingtoyourwontedgenerosityandgoodness，youwillgiveitthefinishingstroke：anhonourthatIwouldgrudgeanybodybutyourself。Inordertoeaseyouofsomepartofthecharges，Ipromisetofurnishpen，ink，andpaper，providedyoupayforthestamps。Besides，I
haveorderedmystewardstopayoutofthereadiestandbestofmyrentsfivepoundstenshillingsayeartillmysuitisfinished。I
wishyouhealthandhappiness，beingwithduerespect，Madam，yourassuredfriend，SOUTH。
WhatanswerMrs。Bullreturnedtothisletteryoushallknowinmysecondpart，onlytheywereataprettygooddistanceintheirproposals;forasEsquireSouthonlyofferedtobeatthechargesofpen，ink，andpaper，Mrs。Bullrefusedanymorethantolendherbarge*tocarryhiscounseltoWestminsterHall。
*SendingtheEnglishFleettoconvoytheforcestoBarcelona。
PARTII。
THEPUBLISHER’SPREFACE。
TheworldismuchindebtedtothefamousSirHumphryPolesworthforhisingeniousandimpartialaccountofJohnBull’slawsuit。Yetthereisjustcauseofcomplaintagainsthim，inthatherelatesitonlybyparcels，andwon’tgiveusthewholework。Thisforcesme，whoamonlythepublisher，tobespeaktheassistanceofhisfriendsandacquaintancetoengagehimtolayasidethatstingeyhumourandgratifythecuriosityofthepublicatonce。Hepleadsinexcusethattheyareonlyprivatememoirs，wroteforhisownuseinaloosestyletoserveasahelptohisordinaryconversation。I
representedtohimthegoodreceptionthefirstparthadmetwith;
that，thoughcalculatedonlyforthemeridianofGrubStreet，itwasyettakennoticeofbythebettersort;thattheworldwasnowsufficientlyacquaintedwithJohnBull，andinteresteditselfinhisconcerns。Heansweredwithasmile，thathehad，indeed，sometriflingthingstoimpartthatconcernedJohnBull’srelationsanddomesticaffairs。Ifthesewouldsatisfymehegavemefreeleavetomakeuseofthem，becausetheywouldservetomakethehistoryofthelawsuitmoreintelligible。WhenIhadlookedoverthemanuscriptIfoundlikewisesomefurtheraccountofthecomposition，which，perhaps，maynotbeunacceptabletosuchashavereadtheformerpart。
CHAPTERI。TheCharacterofJohnBull’sMother。*
*TheChurchofEngland。
Johnhadamotherwhomhelovedandhonouredextremely，adiscreet，grave，sober，good-conditioned，cleanlyoldgentlewomanaseverlived。Shewasnoneofyourcross-grained，termagant，scoldingjadesthatonehadasgoodbehangedasliveinthehousewith，suchasarealwayscensuringtheconductandtellingscandalousstoriesoftheirneighbours，extollingtheirowngoodqualitiesandundervaluingthoseofothers。Onthecontrary，shewasofameekspirit，and，asshewasstrictlyvirtuousherself，soshealwaysputthebestconstructionuponthewordsandactionsofherneighbours，exceptwheretheywereirreconcileabletotherulesofhonestyanddecency。Shewasneitheroneofyourpreciseprudes，noroneofyourfantasticaloldbellesthatdressthemselveslikegirlsoffifteen;assheneitherworearuff，forehead-cloth，norhigh-crownedhat，soshehadlaidasidefeathers，flowers，andcrimptribbonsinherhead-dress，furbelow-scarfs，andhooped-petticoats。Shescornedtopatchandpaint，yetshelovedtokeepherhandsandherfaceclean。Thoughsheworenoflauntinglacedruffles，shewouldnotkeepherselfinaconstantsweatwithgreasyflannel。Thoughherhairwasnotstuckwithjewels，shewasnotashamedofadiamondcross;shewasnot，likesomeladies，hungaboutwithtoysandtrinkets，tweezer-cases，pocket-glasses，andessence-bottles;sheusedonlyagoldwatchandanalmanacktomarkthehoursandtheholydays。
Herfurniturewasneatandgenteel，wellfanciedwithabongout。
Assheaffectednotthegrandeurofastatewithacanopy，shethoughttherewasnooffenceinanelbow-chair。Shehadlaidasideyourcarving，gilding，andJapanworkasbeingtooapttogatherdirt。Butshenevercouldbeprevailedupontopartwithplainwainscotandcleanhangings。Therearesomeladiesthataffecttosmellastinkineverything;theyarealwayshighlyperfumed，andcontinuallyburningfrankincenseintheirrooms。Shewasabovesuchaffectation，yetsheneverwouldlayasidetheuseofbroomsandscrubbing-brushes，andscruplednottolayherlineninfreshlavender。
Shewasnolessgenteelinherbehaviour，well-bred，withoutaffectation;intheduemeanbetweenoneofyouraffected，curtseyingpiecesofformalityandyourrompsthathavenoregardtothecommonrulesofcivility。Therearesomeladiesthataffectamightyregardfortheirrelations。\"Wemustnoteatto-day，formyuncleTom，ormycousinBetty，diedthistimetenyears。Let’shaveaballto-night，itismyneighbourSuch-a-one’sbirthday。\"Shelookeduponallthisasgrimace，yetsheconstantlyobservedherhusband’sbirthday，herwedding-day，andsomefewmore。
Thoughshewasatrulygoodwoman，andhadasinceremotherlyloveforhersonJohn，yettherewantednotthosewhoendeavouredtocreateamisunderstandingbetweenthem，andtheyhadsofarprevailedwithhimoncethatheturnedheroutofdoors，tohisgreatsorrow，ashefoundafterwards，forhisaffairswentonatsixesandsevens。
Shewasnolessjudiciousintheturnofherconversationandchoiceofherstudies，inwhichshefarexceededallhersex。Yourrakesthathatethecompanyofallsober，gravegentlewomenwouldbearhers，andshewould，byherhandsomemannerofproceeding，soonerreclaimthansomethatweremoresourandreserved。Shewasazealouspreacherupofconjugalfidelityinwives，andbynomeansafriendtothenew-fangleddoctrineoftheindispensabledutyofchange。Thoughsheadvancedheropinionswithabecomingassurance，yetsheneverusheredtheminassomepositivecreatureswilldo，withdogmaticalassertions。\"Thisisinfallible;Icannotbemistaken;nonebutaroguecandenyit。\"Ithasbeenobservedthatsuchpeopleareoftenerinthewrongthananybody。
Thoughshehadathousandgoodqualities，shewasnotwithoutherfaults，amongstwhichonemight，perhaps，reckontoogreatlenitytoherservants，towhomshealwaysgavegoodcounsel，butoftentoogentlecorrection。IthoughtIcouldnotsaylessofJohnBull’smother，becauseshebearsapartinthefollowingtransactions。
CHAPTERII。TheCharacterofJohnBull’sSisterPeg，*withtheQuarrelsthathappenedbetweenMasterandMissintheirChildhood。
*ThenationandChurchofScotland。
Johnhadasister，apoorgirlthathadbeenstarvedatnurse。
AnybodywouldhaveguessedMisstohavebeenbredupundertheinfluenceofacruelstepdame，andJohntobethefondlingofatendermother。Johnlookedruddyandplump，withapairofcheekslikeatrumpeter;Misslookedpaleandwan，asifshehadthegreensickness;andnowonder，forJohnwasthedarling：hehadallthegoodbits，wascrammedwithgoodpullet，chicken，pig，goose，andcapon;whileMisshadonlyalittleoatmealandwater，oradrycrustwithoutbutter。Johnhadhisgoldenpippins，peaches，andnectarines;poorMiss，acrab-apple，sloe，orablackberry。Masterlayinthebestapartment，withhisbedchambertowardsthesouthsun。Misslodgedinagarretexposedtothenorthwind，whichshrivelledhercountenance。However，thisusage，thoughitstuntedthegirlinhergrowth，gaveherahardyconstitution;shehadlifeandspiritinabundance，andknewwhenshewasill-used。NowandthenshewouldseizeuponJohn’scommons，snatchalegofapullet，orabitofgoodbeef，forwhichtheyweresuretogotofisticuffs。
Masterwasindeedtoostrongforher，butMisswouldnotyieldintheleastpoint;butevenwhenMasterhadgotherdown，shewouldscratchandbitelikeatiger;whenhegaveheracuffontheear，shewouldprickhimwithherknitting-needle。Johnbroughtagreatchainonedaytotiehertothebedpost，forwhichaffrontMissaimedapenknifeathisheart。Inshort，thesequarrelsgrewuptorootedaversions;theygaveoneanothernicknames，thoughthegirlwasatightcleverwenchasanywas，andthroughherpalelooksyoumightdiscernspiritandvivacity，whichmadehernot，indeed，aperfectbeauty，butsomethingthatwasagreeable。Itwasbarbarousinparentsnottotakenoticeoftheseearlyquarrels，andmakethemlivebettertogether，suchdomesticfeudsprovingafterwardstheoccasionofmisfortunestothemboth。Peghad，indeed，someoddhumours*andcomicalantipathy，forwhichJohnwouldjeerher。
\"WhatthinkyouofmysisterPeg，\"sayshe，\"thatfaintsatthesoundofanorgan，andyetwilldanceandfriskatthenoiseofabagpipe？\"\"What’sthattoyou？\"quothPeg。\"Everybody’stochoosetheirownmusic。\"ThenPeghadtakenafancynottosayherPaternoster，whichmadepeopleimaginestrangethingsofher。Ofthethreebrothersthathavemadesuchaclutterintheworld——LordPeter，Martin，andJack——Jackhadoflatebeenherinclinations。
LordPetershedetested，nordidMartinstandmuchbetterinhergoodgraces;butJackhadfoundthewaytoherheart。Ihaveoftenadmiredwhatcharmsshediscoveredinthatawkwardbooby，tillI
talkedwithapersonthatwasacquaintedwiththeintrigue，whogavemethefollowingaccountofit。
*LoveofPresbytery。
CHAPTERIII。Jack’sCharms，*ortheMethodbywhichhegainedPeg’sHeart。
*CharacterofthePresbyterians。
Inthefirstplace，Jackwasaveryyoungfellow，bymuchtheyoungestofthethreebrothers，andpeople，indeed，wonderedhowsuchayoungupstartjackanapesshouldgrowsopertandsaucy，andtakesomuchuponhim。
Jackbraggedofgreaterabilitiesthanothermen。Hewaswellgifted，ashepretended：Ineednottellyouwhatsecretinfluencethathasupontheladies。
Jackhadamostscandaloustongue，andpersuadedPegthatallmankind，besideshimself，wereplaguedbythatscarlet-facedwoman，SignioraBubonia。*\"Asforhisbrother，LordPeter，thetokenswereevidentonhim——blotchesandscabs。HisbrotherMartin，thoughhewasnotquitesobad，hadsomenocturnalpains，whichhisfriendspretendedwereonlyscorbutical;buthewassureitproceededfromaworsecause。\"Bysuchmaliciousinsinuationshehadpossessedtheladythathewastheonlymanintheworldofasound，pure，anduntaintedconstitution，thoughthereweresomethatstucknottosaythatSignioraBuboniaandJackrailedatoneanotheronlythebettertohideanintrigue，andthatJackhadbeenfoundwithSignioraunderhiscloak，carryingherhomeonadarkstormynight。
*TheWomanofBabylon，orthePope。
Jackwasaprodigiousogler;hewouldogleyoutheoutsideofhiseyeinward，andthewhiteupward。
JackgavehimselfoutforamanofagreatestateintheFortunateIslands，ofwhichthesolepropertywasvestedinhisperson。Bythistrickhecheatedabundanceofpoorpeopleofsmallsums，pretendingtomakeoverplantationsinthesaidislands;butwhenthepoorwretchescametherewithJack’sgrant，theywerebeat，mocked，andturnedoutofdoors。
ItoldyouthatPegwaswhimsical，andlovedanythingthatwasparticular。InthatwayJackwasherman，forheneitherthought，spoke，dressed，noractedlikeothermortals。Hewasforyourboldstrokes。Herailedatfops，thoughhewashimselfthemostaffectedintheworld;insteadofthecommonfashion，hewouldvisithismistressinamourning-cloak，band，shortcuffs，andapeakedbeard。
Heinventedawayofcomingintoaroombackwards，whichhesaidshowedmorehumilityandlessaffectation。Whereotherpeoplestood，hesat;wheretheysat，hestood;whenhewenttoCourt，heusedtokickawaythestate，andsitdownbyhisprincecheekbyjowl。\"Confoundthesestates，\"sayshe，\"theyareamoderninvention。\"Whenhespoketohisprince，healwaysturnedhisbackuponhim。Ifhewasadvisedtofastforhishealth，hewouldeatroastbeef;ifhewasallowedamoreplentifuldiet，thenhewouldbesurethatdaytoliveuponwater-gruel;hewouldcryatawedding，laughandmakejestsatafuneral。
Hewasnolesssingularinhisopinions。Youwouldhaveburstyoursidestohearhimtalkofpolitics。\"Allgovernment，\"sayshe，\"isfoundedupontherightdistributionofpunishments：decentexecutionskeeptheworldinawe;forthatreason，themajorityofmankindoughttobehangedeveryyear。Forexample，Isupposethemagistrateoughttopassanirreversiblesentenceuponallblue-eyedchildrenfromthecradle;butthattheremaybesomeshowofjusticeinthisproceeding，thesechildrenoughttobetrainedupbymasters，appointedforthatpurpose，toallsortsofvillany，thattheymaydeservetheirfate，andtheexecutionofthemmayserveasanobjectofterrortotherestofmankind。\"*Astothegivingofpardons，hehadthissingularmethod：**thatwhenthesewretcheshadtheropeabouttheirnecks，itshouldbeinquiredwhobelievedtheyshouldbehanged，andwhonot？Thefirstweretobepardoned，thelasthangedoutright。Suchaswereoncepardonedwerenevertobehangedafterwardsforanycrimewhatsoever。Hehadsuchskillinphysiognomy，thathewouldpronounceperemptorilyuponaman’sface。
\"Thatfellow，\"sayshe，\"dowhathewill，can’tavoidhanging;hehasahanginglook。\"Bythesamearthewouldprognosticateaprincipalitytoascoundrel。
*Absolutepredestinationandreprobation。
**SavingFaith：abeliefthatoneshallcertainlybesaved。
Hewasnolessparticularinthechoiceofhisstudies;theyweregenerallybenttowardsexplodedchimeras*——theperpetuummobile，thecircularshot，philosopher’sstone，silentgunpowder，makingchainsforfleas，netsforflies，andinstrumentstounravelcobwebsandsplithairs。
*ThelearningofthePresbyterians。
Thus，Ithink，IhavegivenadistinctaccountofthemethodshepractiseduponPeg。Herbrotherwouldnowandthenaskher，\"Whatdostthouseeinthatpragmaticalcoxcombtomaketheesoinlovewithhim？Heisafitmatchforatailor’sorashoemaker’sdaughter，butnotforyouthatareagentlewoman？\"\"Fancyisfree，\"
quothPeg;\"I’lltakemyownway，doyoutakeyours。Idonotcareforyourflauntingbeaus，thatgangwiththeirbreastsopen，andtheirsarksovertheirwaistcoats，thataccostmewithsetspeechesoutofSidney’s’Arcadia’orthe’AcademyofCompliments。’Jackisasober，graveyoungman;thoughhehasnoneofyourstudiedharangues，hismeaningissincere。Hehasagreatregardtohisfather’swill，andhethatshowshimselfagoodsonwillmakeagoodhusband。Besides，IknowhehastheoriginaldeedofconveyancetotheFortunateIslands;theothersarecounterfeits。\"Thereisnothingsoobstinateasayoungladyinheramours;themoreyoucrossher，theworsesheis。
CHAPTERIV。HowtherelationsreconciledJohnandhissisterPeg，andwhatreturnPegmadetoJohn’smessage。*
*TheTreatyofUnion。Reasonofit：theSuccessionnotbeingsettledinScotland。FearsforthePresbyterianChurchGovernment，andofbeingburdenedwiththeEnglishNationalDebts。
JohnBull，otherwiseagood-naturedman，wasveryhard-heartedtohissisterPeg，chieflyfromanaversionhehadconceivedinhisinfancy。Whileheflourished，keptawarmhouse，anddroveaplentifultrade，poorPegwasforcedtogohawkingandpeddlingaboutthestreetssellingknives，scissors，andshoe-buckles;nowandthencarriedabasketoffishtothemarket;sewed，spun，andknitforalivelihood，tillherfingers’endsweresore;andwhenshecouldnotgetbreadforherfamily，shewasforcedtohirethemoutatjourney-worktoherneighbours。Yetintheseherpoorcircumstancesshestillpreservedtheairandmienofagentlewoman——
acertaindecentpridethatextortedrespectfromthehaughtiestofherneighbours。Whenshecameintoanyfullassembly，shewouldnotyieldthepastothebestofthem。Ifoneaskedher，\"ArenotyourelatedtoJohnBull？\"\"Yes，\"saysshe，\"hehasthehonourtobemybrother。\"SoPeg’saffairswenttillalltherelationscriedoutshameuponJohnforhisbarbaroususageofhisownfleshandblood;thatitwasaneasymatterforhimtoputherinacreditablewayofliving，notonlywithouthurt，butwithadvantagetohimself，seeingshewasanindustriousperson，andmightbeserviceabletohiminhiswayofbusiness。\"Hangher，jade，\"quothJohn，\"Ican’tendureheraslongasshekeepsthatrascalJack’scompany。\"Theytoldhimthewaytoreclaimherwastotakeherintohishouse;thatbyconversationthechildishhumoursoftheiryoungerdaysmightbewornout。Theseargumentswereenforcedbyacertainincident。IthappenedthatJohnwasatthattimeaboutmakinghiswill*andentailinghisestate，theverysameinwhichNic。Frogisnamedexecutor。Now，hissisterPeg’snamebeingintheentail，hecouldnotmakeathoroughsettlementwithoutherconsent。Therewas，indeed，amaliciousstorywentaboutasifJohn’slastwifehadfalleninlovewithJackashewaseatingcustardonhorseback;**
thatshepersuadedJohntotakehissisterintothehousethebettertodriveontheintriguewithJack，concludinghewouldfollowhismistressPeg。AllIcaninferfromthisstoryisthatwhenonehasgotabadcharacterintheworldpeoplewillreportandbelieveanythingofthem，trueorfalse。Buttoreturntomystory。WhenPegreceivedJohn’smessageshehuffedandstormed：\"MybrotherJohn，\"quothshe，\"isgrownwondrouskind-heartedallofasudden，butImeikledoubtwhetheritbenotmairfortheirownconveniencythanformygood;hedrawsuphiswritsandhisdeeds，forsooth，andImustsetmyhandtothem，unsight，unseen。Iliketheyoungmanhehassettleduponwellenough，butIthinkIoughttohaveavaluableconsiderationformyconsent。Hewantsmypoorlittlefarmbecauseitmakesanookinhispark-wall。Yemaye’entellhimhehasmairthanhemakesgooduseof;hegangsupanddowndrinking，roaring，andquarrelling，throughallthecountrymarkets，makingfoolishbargainsinhiscups，whichherepentswhenheissober;
likeathriftlesswretch，spendingthegoodsandgearthathisforefatherswonwiththesweatoftheirbrows：lightcome，lightgo，hecaresnotafarthing。ButwhyshouldIstandsuretyforhiscontracts？ThelittleIhaveisfree，andIcancallitmyawn——
hame’shame，letitbeneversohamely。Ikenhimwellenough，hecouldneverabideme，andwhenhehashisendshe’lle’enusemeashedidbefore。I’msureIshallbetreatedlikeapoordrudge——I
shallbesettotendthebairns，darnthehose，andmendthelinen。
Thenthere’snolivingwiththatoldcarlinehismother;sherailsatJack，andJack’sanhonestermanthananyofherkin：IshallbeplaguedwithherspellsandherPaternosters，andsillyoldworldceremonies;ImunneverparemynailsonaFriday，norbeginajourneyonChildermasDay;andImunstandbeekingandbingingasI
gangoutandintothehall。Tellhimhemaye’enganghisget;I’llhavenothingtodowithhim;I’llstaylikethepoorcountrymouse，inmyawnhabitation。\"SoPegtalked;butforallthat，bytheinterpositionofgoodfriends，andbymanyabonnythingthatwassent，andmanymorethatwerepromisedPeg，thematterwasconcluded，andPegtakenintothehouseuponcertainarticles：***
oneofwhichwasthatshemighthavethefreedomofJack’sconversation，andmighttakehimforbetterandforworseifshepleased：providedalwayshedidnotcomeintothehouseatunseasonablehoursanddisturbtherestoftheoldwoman，John’smother。
*TheActofSuccession。
**APresbyterianLordMayor。
***TheActofToleration。
CHAPTERV。OfsomeQuarrelsthathappenedafterPegwastakenintotheFamily。*
*QuarrelsaboutsomeoftheArticlesofUnion，particularlythepeerage。
Itisanoldobservationthatthequarrelsofrelationsarehardertoreconcilethananyother;injuriesfromfriendsfretandgallmore，andthememoryofthemisnotsoeasilyobliterated。ThisiscunninglyrepresentedbyoneofyouroldsagescalledAesop，inthestoryofthebirdthatwasgrievedextremelyatbeingwoundedwithanarrowfeatheredwithhisownwing;asalsooftheoakthatletmanyaheavygroanwhenhewascleftwithawedgeofhisowntimber。
TherewasnomanintheworldlesssubjecttorancourthanJohnBull，consideringhowoftenhisgoodnaturehasbeenabused;yetI
don’tknowbuthewastooapttohearkentotattlingpeoplethatcarrytalesbetweenhimandhissisterPeg，onpurposetosowjealousiesandsetthemtogetherbytheears。TheysaythatthereweresomehardshipsputuponPegwhichhadbeenbetterletalone;
butitwasthebusinessofgoodpeopletorestraintheinjuriesononesideandmoderatetheresentmentsontheother——agoodfriendactsbothparts，theonewithouttheotherwillnotdo。
Thepurchase-moneyofPeg’sfarmwasillpaid;*thenPeglovedalittlegoodliquor，andtheservantsshutupthewine-cellar;butforthatPegfoundatrick，forshemadeafalsekey。**Peg’sservantscomplainedthattheyweredebarredfromallmannerofbusiness，andneversufferedtotouchtheleastthingwithinthehouse;iftheyofferedtocomeintothewarehouse，thenstraightwenttheyardslapovertheirnoddle;iftheyventuredintothecounting-roomafellowwouldthrowanink-bottleattheirhead;iftheycameintothebestapartmenttosetanythingthereinorder，theyweresalutedwithabroom;iftheymeddledwithanythinginthekitchenitwasoddsbutthecooklaidthemoverthepatewithaladle;onethatwouldhavegotintothestableswasmetbytworascals，whofelltoworkwithhimwithabrushandacurry-comb;
someclimbingupintothecoachbox，weretoldthatoneoftheircompanionshadbeentherebeforethatcouldnotdrive，thenslapwentthelongwhipabouttheirears。
*Theequivalentnotpaid。
**Runwine。
Ontheotherhand，itwascomplainedthatPeg’sservantswerealwaysaskingfordrink-money;thattheyhadmorethantheirshareoftheChristmas-box。*Tosaythetruth，Peg’sladsbustledprettyhardforthat，forwhentheywereendeavouringtolockituptheygotintheirgreatfistsandpulledouthandfulsofhalfcrowns，shillings，andsixpences。Othersinthescramblepickedupguineasandbroad-pieces。Buttherehappenedaworsethingthanallthis：itwascomplainedthatPeg’sservantshadgreatstomachs，andbroughtsomanyoftheirfriendsandacquaintancetothetablethatJohn’sfamilywasliketobeeatenoutofhouseandhome。Insteadofregulatingthismatterasitoughttobe，Peg’syoungmenwerethrustawayfromthetable;thentherewasthedevilandalltodo——
spoons，plates，anddishesflewabouttheroomlikemad，andSirRoger，whowasnowMajordomo，hadenoughtodotoquietthem。Pegsaidthiswascontrarytoagreement，wherebyshewasinallthingstobetreatedlikeachildofthefamily。Thenshecalleduponthosethathadmadehersuchfairpromises，andundertookforherbrotherJohn’sgoodbehaviour;but，alas！tohercostshefoundthattheywerethefirstandreadiesttodohertheinjury。Johnatlastagreedtothisregulation：thatPeg’sfootmenmightsitwithhisbook-keeper，journeymen，andapprentices，andPeg’sbettersortofservantsmightsitwithhisfootmeniftheypleased。**
*Endeavouredtogettheirshareofplaces。
**ArticlesofUnion，wherebytheycouldmakeaScot’scommoner，butnotalordapeer。
Thentheybegantoorderplum-porridgeandmincedpiesforPeg’sdinner。Pegtoldthemshehadanaversiontothatsortoffood;
thatuponforcingdownamessofitsomeyearsagoitthrewherintoafittillshebroughtitupagain。Someallegeditwasnothingbuthumour，thatthesamemessshouldbeservedupagainforsupper，andbreakfastnextmorning;otherswouldhavemadeuseofahorn，butthewisersortbidletheralone，andshemighttaketoitofherownaccord。
CHAPTERVI。TheconversationbetweenJohnBullandhiswife。*
*ThehistoryofthePartitionTreaty;suspicionsatthattimethattheFrenchKingintendedtotakethewhole，andthatherevealedthesecrettotheCourtofSpain。
MRS。BULL。——Thoughouraffairs，honey，areinabadcondition，I
haveabetteropinionofthemsinceyouseemedtobeconvincedoftheillcourseyouhavebeenin，andareresolvedtosubmittoproperremedies。ButwhenIconsideryourimmensedebts，yourfoolishbargains，andthegeneraldisorderofyourbusiness，Ihaveacuriositytoknowwhatfateorchancehasbroughtyouintothiscondition。
JOHNBULL。——Iwishyouwouldtalkofsomeothersubject，thethoughtsofitmakesmemad;ourfamilymusthavetheirrun。
MRS。BULL。——Butsuchastrangethingasthisneverhappenedtoanyofyourfamilybefore：theyhavehadlawsuits，but，thoughtheyspenttheincome，theynevermortgagedthestock。Sure，youmusthavesomeoftheNormanortheNorfolkbloodinyou。Prithee，givemesomeaccountofthesematters。
JOHNBULL。——Whocouldhelpit？TherelivesnotsuchafellowbybreadasthatoldLewisBaboon：heisthemostcheating，contentiousrogueuponthefaceoftheearth。Youmustknow，oneday，asNic。FrogandIwereoverabottlemakingupanoldquarrel，theoldfellowwouldneedshaveusdrinkabottleofhischampagne，andsooneafteranother，tillmyfriendNic。andI，notbeingusedtosuchheadystuff，gotverydrunk。Lewisallthewhile，eitherbythestrengthofhisbrainorflinchinghisglass，kepthimselfsoberasajudge。\"Myworthyfriends，\"quothLewis，\"henceforthletusliveneighbourly;Iamaspeaceableandquietasalambofmyowntemper，butithasbeenmymisfortunetoliveamongquarrelsomeneighbours。Thereisbutonethingcanmakeusfallout，andthatistheinheritanceofLordStrutt’sestate：Iamcontent，forpeace’sake，towaivemyright，andsubmittoanyexpedienttopreventalawsuit;Ithinkanequaldivision*willbethefairestway。\"\"Wellmoved，OldLewis，\"quothFrog，\"andIhopemyfriendJohnherewillnotberefractory。\"Atthesametimeheclappedmeontheback，andslabberedmealloverfromcheektocheekwithhisgreattongue。\"Doasyouplease，gentlemen，\"quothI，\"’tisallonetoJohnBull。\"Weagreedtopartthatnight，andnextmorningtomeetatthecornerofLordStrutt’sparkwall，withoursurveyinginstruments，whichaccordinglywedid。OldLewiscarriedachainandasemicircle;Nic。，paper，rulers，andaleadpencil;andI
followedatsomedistancewithalongpole。Webeganfirstwithsurveyingthemeadowgrounds，afterwardswemeasuredthecornfields，closebyclose;thenweproceededtothewoodlands，thecopperandtinmines。**AllthiswhileNic。laiddowneverythingexactlyuponpaper，calculatedtheacresandroodstoagreatnicety。Whenwehadfinishedtheland，weweregoingtobreakintothehouseandgardens，totakeaninventoryofhisplate，pictures，andotherfurniture。
*ThePartitionTreaty。
**TheWestIndies。
MRS。BULL。——WhatsaidLordStrutttoallthis？
JOHNBULL。——Aswehadalmostfinishedourconcern，wewereaccostedbysomeofLordStrutt’sservants。\"Heyday！what’shere？whatadevil’sthemeaningofallthesetrangramsandgimcracks，gentlemen？
Whatinthenameofwonder，areyougoingabout，jumpingovermymaster’shedges，andrunningyourlinescrosshisgrounds？Ifyouareatanyfieldpastime，youmighthaveaskedleave：mymasterisacivilwell-bredpersonasanyis。\"
MRS。BULL。——Whatcouldyouanswertothis？
JOHNBULL。——Why，truly，myneighbourFrogandIwerestillhot-
headed;wetoldhimhismasterwasanolddotingpuppy，thatmindednothingofhisownbusiness;thatweweresurveyinghisestate，andsettlingitforhim，sincehewouldnotdoithimself。Uponthistherehappenedaquarrel，butwebeingstrongerthanthey，sentthemawaywithafleaintheirear。Theywenthomeandtoldtheirmaster。\"Mylord，\"saythey，\"therearethreeoddsortoffellowsgoingaboutyourgroundswiththestrangestmachinesthateverwebeheldinourlife：Isupposetheyaregoingtorobyourorchard，fellyourtrees，ordriveawayyourcattle。Theytoldusstrangethingsofsettlingyourestate——oneisalustyoldfellowinablackwig，withablackbeard，withoutteeth;there’sanother，thicksquatfellow，intrunkhose;thethirdisalittle，long-nosed，thinman（Iwasthenlean，beingjustcomeoutofafitofsickness）——I
supposeitisfittosendafterthem，lesttheycarrysomethingaway？\"
MRS。BULL。——Ifancythisputtheoldfellowinararetweague。
JOHNBULL。——Weakashewas，hecalledforhislongToledo，sworeandbouncedabouttheroom：\"’Sdeath！whatamIcometo，tobeaffrontedsobymytradesmen？Iknowtherascals：mybarber，clothier，andlinen-draperdisposeofmyestate！Bringhithermyblunderbuss;I’llwarrantyeyoushallseedaylightthroughthem。
Scoundrels！dogs！thescumoftheearth！Frog，thatwasmyfather’skitchen-boy，hepretendtomeddlewithmyestate——withmywill！Ah，poorStrutt！whatarethoucometoatlast？Thouhastlivedtoolongintheworld，toseethyageandinfirmitysodespised！Howwilltheghostsofmynobleancestorsreceivethesetidings？——theycannot，theymustnotsleepquietlyintheirgraves。\"Inshort，theoldgentlemanwascarriedoffinafaintingfit，andafterbleedinginbotharmshardlyrecovered。
MRS。BULL。——Reallythiswasaveryextraordinarywayofproceeding！
Ilongtoheartherestofit。
JOHNBULL。——Afterwehadcomebacktothetavern，andtakent’otherbottleofchampagne，wequarrelledalittleaboutthedivisionoftheestate。LewishauledandpulledthemapononesideandFrogandIont’other，tillwehadliketohavetoretheparchmenttopieces。AtlastLewispulledoutapairofgreattailor’sshearsandcliptacornerforhimself，whichhesaidwasamanorthatlayconvenientforhim，andleftFrogandmetheresttodisposeofaswepleased。WewereoverjoyedtothinkLewiswascontentedwithsolittle，notsmellingwhatwasatthebottomoftheplot。Therehappened，indeed，anincidentthatgaveussomedisturbance。A
cunningfellow，oneofmyservants，twodaysafter，peepingthroughthekeyhole，observedthatoldLewishadstoleawayourpartofthemap，andsawhimfiddlingandturningthemapfromonecornertotheother，tryingtojointhetwopiecestogetheragain。Hewasmutteringsomethingtohimself，whichhedidnotwellhear，onlythesewords，\"’Tisgreatpity！’tisgreatpity！\"Myservantaddedthathebelievedthishadsomeillmeaning。Itoldhimhewasacoxcomb，alwayspretendingtobewiserthanhiscompanions。LewisandIaregoodfriends，he’sanhonestfellow，andIdaresaywillstandtohisbargain。Thesequelofthestoryprovedthisfellow’ssuspiciontobetoowellgrounded;forLewisrevealedourwholesecrettothedeceasedLordStrutt，whoinrewardforhistreachery，andrevengetoFrogandme，settledhiswholeestateuponthepresentPhilipBaboon。Thenweunderstoodwhathemeantbypiecingthemaptogether。
MRS。BULL。——Andwereyousurprisedatthis？HadnotLordStruttreasontobeangry？Wouldyouhavebeencontentedtohavebeensousedyourself？
JOHNBULL。——Why，truly，wife，itwasnoteasilyreconciledtothecommonmethods;butthenitwasthefashiontodosuchthings。I
havereadofyourgoldenage，yoursilverage，etc。;onemightjustlycallthistheageofthelawyers。Therewashardlyamanofsubstanceinallthecountrybuthadacounterfeitthatpretendedtohisestate。*Asthephilosopherssaythatthereisaduplicateofeveryterrestrialanimalatsea，soitwasinthisageofthelawyers：therewereatleasttwoofeverything;nay，o’myconscience，IthinktherewerethreeEsquireHackums**atonetime。
Inshort，itwasusualforaparceloffellowstomeetanddisposeofthewholeestatesinthecountry。\"Thisliesconvenientforme，Tom。Thouwouldstdomoregoodwiththat，Dick，thantheoldfellowthathasit。\"Sotolawtheywentwiththetrueowners：thelawyersgotwellbyit;everybodyelsewasundone。Itwasacommonthingforanhonestmanwhenhecamehomeatnighttofindanotherfellowdomineeringinhisfamily，hectoringhisservants，andcallingforsupper。IneveryhouseyoumightobservetwoSosiasquarrellingwhowasmaster。Formyownpart，Iamstillafraidofthesametreatment：thatIshouldfindsomebodybehindmycountersellingmybroad-cloth。
*SeveralPretendersatthattime。
**KingsofEngland。
MRS。BULL。——Thereisasortoffellowstheycallbanterersandbamboozlersthatplaysuchtricks，butitseemsthesefellowswereinearnest。
JOHNBULL。——Ibegintothinkthatjusticeisabetterrulethanconveniency，forallsomepeoplemakesoslightonit。
CHAPTERVII。OfthehardshiftsMrs。BullwasputtopreservetheManorofBullock’sHatch，withSirRoger’smethodtokeepoffimportunateduns。*
*Someattemptstodestroythepubliccreditatthattime。MannersoftheEarlofOxford。
AsJohnBullandhiswifeweretalkingtogethertheyweresurprisedwithasuddenknockingatthedoor。\"Thosewickedscrivenersandlawyers，nodoubt，\"quothJohn;andsoitwas，someaskingforthemoneyheowed，andotherswarningtopreparefortheapproachingterm。\"WhatacursedlifedoIlead！\"quothJohn;\"debtislikedeadlysin。ForGod’ssake，SirRoger，getmeridofthefellows。\"
\"I’llwarrantyou，\"quothSirRoger;\"leavethemtome。\"And，indeed，itwaspleasantenoughtoobserveSirRoger’smethodwiththeseimportunateduns。HissincerefriendshipforJohnBullmadehimsubmittomanythingsforhisservicewhichhewouldhavescornedtohavedoneforhimself。Sometimeshewouldstandatthedoorwithhislongstafftokeepofftheduns，untilJohngotoutatthebackdoor。WhenthelawyersandtradesmenbroughtextravagantbillsSirRogerusedtobargainbeforehandforleavetocutoffaquarterofayardinanypartofthebillhepleased;heworeapairofscissorsinhispocketforthispurpose，andwouldsnipitoffsonicelyasyoucannotimagine。Likeatruegoldsmithhekeptallyourholidays;therewasnotonewantinginhiscalendar;whenreadymoneywasscarce，hewouldsetthema-tellingathousandpoundsinsixpences，groats，andthreepenny-pieces。Itwouldhavedoneyourheartgoodtohaveseenhimchargethroughanarmyoflawyers，attorneys，clerks，andtradesmen;sometimeswithswordinhand，atothertimesnuzzlinglikeaneelinthemud。Whenafellowstucklikeabur，thattherewasnoshakinghimoff，heusedtobemightyinquisitiveaboutthehealthofhisunclesandauntsinthecountry;
hecouldcallthemallbytheirnames，forhekneweverybody，andcouldtalktothemintheirownway。Theextremelyimpertinenthewouldsendawaytoseesomestrangesight，astheDragonofHockleytheHole，orbidhimcallthe3OthofnextFebruary。Nowandthenyouwouldseehiminthekitchen，weighingthebeefandbutter，payingreadymoney，thatthemaidsmightnotrunatickatthemarket，andthebutchers，bybribingofthem，selldamagedandlightmeat。*Anothertimehewouldslipintothecellarandgaugethecasks。Inhisleisureminuteshewaspostinghisbooksandgatheringinhisdebts。Suchfrugalmethodswerenecessarywheremoneywassoscarceanddunssonumerous。AllthiswhileJohnkepthiscredit，couldshowhisheadbothat’ChangeandWestminsterHall;nomanprotestedhisbillnorrefusedhisbond;onlythesharpersandthescriveners，thelawyersandotherclerkspeltedSirRogerashewentalong。Thesquirterswereatitwiththeirkennelwater，fortheyweremadforthelossoftheirbubble，andthattheycouldnotgethimtomortgagethemanorofBullock’sHatch。SirRogershookhisearsandnuzzledalong，wellsatisfiedwithinhimselfthathewasdoingacharitableworkinrescuinganhonestmanfromtheclawsofharpiesandbloodsuckers。Mrs。Bulldidallthatanaffectionatewife，andagoodhousewife，coulddo;yettheboundariesofvirtuesareindivisiblelines。Itisimpossibletomarchupclosetothefrontiersoffrugalitywithoutenteringtheterritoriesofparsimony。Yourgoodhousewivesareapttolookintotheminutestthings;thereforesomeblamedMrs。Bullfornewheel-pieceingofhershoes，grudgingaquarterofapoundofsoapandsandtoscourtherooms**;but，especially，thatshewouldnotallowhermaidsandapprenticesthebenefitof\"JohnBunyan，\"the\"LondonApprentices，\"orthe\"SevenChampions，\"intheblackletter。***
*SomeregulationsastothepurveyanceintheQueen’sfamily。
**ToogreatsavingsintheHouseofCommons。
***RestrainingthelibertyofthePressbyActofParliament。
CHAPTERVIII。AcontinuationoftheconversationbetwixtJohnBullandhiswife。
MRS。BULL。——Itisamostsadlifewelead，mydear，tobesoteazed，payinginterestforolddebts，andstillcontractingnewones。
However，Idon’tblameyouforvindicatingyourhonourandchastisingoldLewis。Tocurbtheinsolent，protecttheoppressed，recoverone’sown，anddefendwhatonehas，aregoodeffectsofthelaw。TheonlythingIwanttoknowishowyoucametomakeanendofyourmoneybeforeyoufinishedyoursuit。
JOHNBULL。——Iwastoldbythelearnedinthelawthatmysuitstooduponthreefirmpillars：moremoneyformorelaw，morelawformoremoney，andnocomposition。Moremoneyformorelawwasplaintoademonstration，forwhocangotolawwithoutmoney？anditwasplainthatanymanthathasmoneymayhavelawforit。Thethirdwasasevidentastheothertwo;forwhatcompositioncouldbemadewitharoguethatneverkeptawordhesaid？
MRS。BULL。——Ithinkyouaremostlikelytogetoutofthislabyrinthbytheseconddoor，bywantofreadymoneytopurchasethispreciouscommodity。Butyouseemnotonlytohaveboughttoomuchofit，buthavepaidtoodearforwhatyoubought，elsehowwasitpossibletorunsomuchindebtwhenatthisverytimetheyearlyincomeofwhatismortgagedtothoseusurerswoulddischargeHocus’sbills，andgiveyouyourbellyfulloflawforallyourlife，withoutrunningonesixpenceindebt？Youhavebeenbreduptobusiness;Isupposeyoucancypher;Iwonderyouneverusedyourpenandink。