JOHNBULL。——Nowyouurgemetoofar;prithee，dearwife，holdthytongue。Supposeayoungheir，heedless，raw，andinexperienced，fullofspiritandvigour，withafavouritepassion，inthehandsofmoneyscriveners。Suchfellowsarelikeyourwire-drawingmills：
iftheygetholdofaman’sfingertheywillpullinhiswholebodyatlast，tilltheysqueezetheheart，blood，andgutsoutofhim。
WhenIwantedmoney，halfadozenofthesefellowswerealwayswaitinginmyante-chamberwiththeirsecuritiesreadydrawn。*I
wastemptedwiththeready，somefarmorotherwenttopot。I
receivedwithonehand，andpaiditawaywiththeothertolawyersthat，likesomanyhellhounds，werereadytodevourme。Thentherogueswouldpleadpovertyandscarcityofmoney，whichalwaysendedinreceivingninetyforthehundred。Aftertheyhadgotpossessionofmybestrentstheywereabletosupplymewithmyownmoney。
But，whatwasworse，whenIlookedintothesecuritiestherewasnoclauseofredemption。
*MethodsofpreyinguponthenecessitiesoftheGovernment。
MRS。BULL。——Noclauseofredemption，sayyou？That’shard。
JOHNBULL。——Nogreatmatter。ForIcannotpaythem。Theyhadgotaworsetrickthanthat。Thesamemanboughtandsoldtohimself，paidthemoney，andgavetheacquittance;thesamemanwasbutcherandgrazier，brewerandbutler，cookandpoulterer。Thereissomethingstillworsethanallthis。Therecametwentybillsuponmeatonce，whichIhadgivenmoneytodischarge。Iwasliketobepulledtopiecesbybrewer，butcher，andbaker;evenmyherb-womandunnedmeasIwentalongthestreets。ThankstomyfriendSirRoger，elseImusthavegonetojail。WhenIaskedthemeaningofthis，Iwastoldthemoneywenttothelawyers。\"Counselwon’ttick，sir。\"Hocuswasurging;mybook-keepersatsottingallday，playingatPutandAll-fours。Inshort，bygripingusurers，devouringlawyers，andnegligentservantsIambroughttothispass。
MRS。BULL。——Thiswashardusage。Butmethinkstheleastreflectionmighthaveretrievedyou。
JOHNBULL。——’Tistrue;yetconsidermycircumstances——myhonourwasengaged，andIdidnotknowhowtogetout。Besides，Iwasforfiveyearsoftendrunk，alwaysmuddled;theycarriedmefromtaverntotavern，toale-housesandbrandy-shops，andbroughtmeacquaintedwithsuchstrangedogs。\"Theregoestheprettiestfellowintheworld，\"saysone，\"formanagingajury：makehimyours。There’sanothercanpickyouupwitnesses。Serjeantsuch-a-onehasasilvertongueatthebar。\"*Ibelieve，intimeIshouldhaveretainedeverysinglepersonwithintheInnsofCourt。ThenightafteratrialItreatedthelawyers，theirwives，anddaughters，withfiddles，hautboys，drums，andtrumpets。Iwasalwayshot-headed。
Thentheyplacedmeinthemiddle，theattorneysandtheirclerksdancingaboutme，whoopingandholloing，\"LongliveJohnBull，thegloryandsupportofthelaw！\"
*Hiringstillmoretroops。
MRS。BULL。——Really，husband，youwentthroughaverynotablecourse。
JOHNBULL。——Oneofthethingsthatfirstalarmedmewasthattheyshowedaspiteagainstmypooroldmother。*\"Lord，\"quothI，\"whatmakesyousojealousofapoor，old，innocentgentlewoman，thatmindsonlyherprayersandherPracticeofPiety？Shenevermeddlesinanyofyourconcerns。\"\"Fob，\"saythey，\"toseeahandsome，brisk，genteelyoungfellowsomuchgovernedbyadotingoldwoman！
Doyouconsidershekeepsyououtofagoodjointure？Shehasthebestofyourestatesettleduponherforarent-charge。Hangher，oldthief！turnheroutofdoors，seizeherlands，andlethergotolawifshedares。\"\"Softandfair，gentlemen，\"quothI;\"mymother’smymother，ourfamilyarenotofanunnaturaltemper。
ThoughIdon’ttakeallheradvice，Iwon’tseizeherjointure;longmaysheenjoyit，goodwoman;Idon’tgrudgeither。Sheallowsmenowandthenabraceofhundredsformylawsuit;that’sprettyfair。\"Aboutthistimetheoldgentlewomanfellillofanoddsortofadistemper。**
*RailingagainsttheChurch。
**Carelessnessinformsanddiscipline。
Itbeganwithacoldnessandnumbnessinherlimbs，whichbydegreesaffectedthenerves（Ithinkthephysicianscallthem），seizedthebrain，andatlastendedinalethargy。Itbetrayeditselfatfirstinasortofindifferenceandcarelessnessinallheractions，coldnesstoherbestfriends，andanaversiontostirorgoaboutthecommonofficesoflife。She，thatwasthecleanliestcreatureintheworld，nevershranknowifyousetaclose-stoolunderhernose。Shethatwouldsometimesrattleoffherservantsprettysharply，nowifshesawthemdrink，orheardthemtalkprofanely，nevertookanynoticeofit。Insteadofherusualcharitiestodeservingpersons，shethrewawayhermoneyuponroaring，swearingbulliesandbeggars，thatwentaboutthestreets。*\"Whatisthematterwiththeoldgentlewoman？\"saideverybody;\"sheneverusedtodointhismanner。\"Atlastthedistempergrewmoreviolent，andthrewherdownrightintoravingfits，inwhichsheshriekedoutsoloudthatshedisturbedthewholeneighbourhood。**InherfitsshecalledupononeSirWilliam。***\"Oh！SirWilliam，thouhastbetrayedme，killedme，stabbedme！See，see！Clumwithhisbloodyknife！Seizehim！seizehim！stophim！Beholdthefurywithherhissingsnakes！Where’smysonJohn？Ishewell，ishewell？Poorman！Ipityhim！\"Andabundancemoreofsuchstrangestuff，thatnobodycouldmakeanythingof。
*Disposingofsomeprefermentstolibertineandunprincipledpersons。
**ThetooviolentclamouraboutthedangeroftheChurch。
***SirWilliam，acantnameofSirHumphry’sforLordTreasurerGodolphin。
Iknewlittleofthematter;forwhenIinquiredaboutherhealth，theanswerwasthatshewasinagoodmoderateway。Physiciansweresentforinhaste。SirRoger，withgreatdifficulty，broughtRatcliff;Garthcameuponthefirstmessage。Therewereseveralotherscalledin，but，asusualuponsuchoccasions，theydifferedstrangelyattheconsultation。Atlasttheydividedintotwoparties;onesidedwithGarth，theotherwithRatcliff。*Dr。Garthsaid，\"Thiscaseseemstometobeplainlyhysterical;theoldwomaniswhimsical;itisacommonthingforyouroldwomentobeso;I’llpawnmylife，blisters，withthesteeldiet，willrecoverher。\"
Otherssuggestedstrongpurgingandlettingofblood，becauseshewasplethoric。Somewentsofarastosaytheoldwomanwasmad，andnothingwouldbebetterthanalittlecorporalcorrection。
Ratcliffsaid，\"Gentlemen，youaremistakeninthiscase;itisplainlyanacutedistemper，andshecannotholdoutthreedaysunlesssheissupportedwithstrongcordials。\"Icameintotheroomwithagooddealofconcern，andaskedthemwhattheythoughtofmymother？\"Innomannerofdanger，IvowtoGod，\"quothGarth;\"theoldwomanishysterical，fanciful，sir，IvowtoGod。\"\"Itellyou，sir，\"saysRatcliff，\"shecannotlivethreedaystoanend，unlessthereissomeveryeffectualcoursetakenwithher;shehasamalignantfever。\"Then\"fool，\"\"puppy，\"and\"blockhead，\"werethebestwordstheygave。Icouldhardlyrestrainthemfromthrowingtheink-bottlesatoneanother’sheads。IforgottotellyouthatonepartyofthephysiciansdesiredIwouldtakemysisterPegintothehousetonurseher，buttheoldgentlewomanwouldnothearofthat。Atlastonephysicianaskediftheladyhadeverbeenusedtotakelaudanum？Hermaidanswered，notthatsheknew;but，indeed，therewasaHighGermanliverymanofhers，oneVanPtschirnsooker，**
thatgaveherasortofaquackpowder。Thephysiciandesiredtoseeit。\"Nay，\"sayshe，\"thereisopiuminthis，Iamsure。\"
*Garth，theLowChurchparty。Ratcliff，HighChurchparty。
**VanPtschirnsooker，abishopatthattime，agreatdealerinpoliticsandphysic。
MRS。BULL。——Ihopeyouexaminedalittleintothismatter？
JOHNBULL。——Idid，indeed，anddiscoveredagreatmysteryofiniquity。Thewitnessesmadeoaththattheyhadheardsomeoftheliverymen*frequentlyrailingattheirmistress。Theysaidshewasatroublesomefiddle-faddleoldwoman，andsoceremoniousthattherewasnobearingofher。Theyweresoplaguedwithbowingandcringingastheywentinandoutoftheroomthattheirbacksached。
Sheusedtoscoldatoneforhisdirtyshoes，atanotherforhisgreasyhairandnotcombinghishead。Thenshewassopassionateandfieryinhertemperthattherewasnolivingwithher。Shewantedsomethingtosweetenherblood。Thattheyneverhadaquietnight’srestforgettingupinthemorningtoearlySacraments。
Theywishedtheycouldfindsomewayoranothertokeeptheoldwomanquietinherbed。Suchdiscourseswereoftenoverheardamongtheliverymen，whilethesaidVanPtschirnsookerhadundertookthismatter。Amaidmadeaffidavit\"ThatshehadseenthesaidVanPtschirnsooker，oneoftheliverymen，frequentlymakingupofmedicinesandadministeringthemtoalltheneighbours;thatshesawhimonemorningmakeupthepowderwhichhermistresstook;thatshehadthecuriositytoaskhimwhencehehadtheingredients。’Theycome，’sayshe，’fromseveralpartsofdeworld。DisIhavefromGeneva，datfromRome，thiswhitepowderfromAmsterdam，andtheredfromEdinburgh，butthechiefingredientofallcomesfromTurkey。\"
ItwaslikewiseprovedthatthesaidVanPtschirnsookerhadbeenfrequentlyseenatthe\"Rose\"withJack，whowasknowntobearaninveteratespitetohismistress。Thathebroughtacertainpowdertohismistresswhichtheexaminantbelievestobethesame，andspokethefollowingwords：——\"Madam，hereisgrandsecretvandeworld，mysweeteningpowder;itdoestemperatedehumour，dispelthewindt，andcuredevapour;itlullethandquieteththeanimalspirits，procuringrestandpleasantdreams。Itisdeinfalliblereceiptfordescurvy，allheatsindebloodt，andbreakingoutupondeskin。Itisdetruebloodstancher，stoppingallfluxesofdeblood。Ifyoudotakedis，youwillneverailanyding;itwillcureyouofalldiseases。\"Andabundancemoretothispurpose，whichtheexaminantdoesnotremember。
*Theclergy。
JohnBullwasinterruptedinhisstorybyaporter，thatbroughthimaletterfromNicholasFrog，whichisasfollows。
CHAPTERIX。
ACopy*ofNic。Frog’sLettertoJohnBull。
[JohnBullreads。]
FRIENDJOHN，——WhatschellumisitthatmakestheejealousofthyoldfriendNicholas？Hastthouforgothowsomeyearsagohetooktheeoutofthesponging-house？**[’Tistrue，myfriendNic。didso，andIthankhim;buthemademepayaswingingreckoning。]Thoubeginnestnowtorepentthybargainthatthouwastsofondof;and，ifthoudurst，wouldforswearthyownhandandseal。Thousayestthatthouhastpurchasedmetoogreatanestatealready，when，atthesametime，thouknowestIhaveonlyamortgage。’TistrueI
havepossession，andthetenantsownmeformaster;buthasnotEsquireSouththeequityofredemption？[Nodoubt，andwillredeemitveryspeedily;poorNic。hasonlypossession——elevenpointsofthelaw。]Asfortheturnpikes***Ihavesetup，theyareforotherpeople，notformyfriendJohn。Ihaveorderedmyservantconstantlytoattend，toletthycarriagesthroughwithoutpayinganything;onlyIhopethouwiltnotcometooheavyladentospoilmyways。CertainlyIhavejustcauseofoffenceagainstthee，myfriend，forsupposingitpossiblethatthouandIshouldeverquarrel。Whathoundsfootisitthatputsthesewhimsinthyhead？
Tenthousandlastofdevilshaulme，ifIdon’tlovetheeasIlovemylife。[Noquestion，astheDevillovesholy-water！]DoesnotthyownhandandsealobligetheetopurchaseformetillIsayitisenough？Arenotthesewordsplain？Isayitisnotenough。
DostthouthinkthyfriendNicholasFrogmadeachild’sbargain？
Markthewordsofthycontract，totapecunia（withallthymoney）。
[Verywell！Ihavepurchasedwithmyownmoney，mychildren’sandmygrandchildren’smoney——isnotthatenough？Well，totapecunialetitbe，foratpresentIhavenoneatall;hewouldnothavemepurchasewithotherpeople’smoney，sure？Sincetotapecuniaisthebargain，Ithinkitisplain——nomoremoney，nomorepurchase。]Andwhatevertheworldmaysay，NicholasFrogisbutapoormanincomparisonoftherich，theopulentJohnBull，greatclothieroftheworld。Ihavehadmanylosses，sixofmybestsheepweredrowned，andthewaterhascomeintomycellar，andspoiledapipeofmybestbrandy。Itwouldbeamorefriendlyactintheetocarryabriefaboutthecountrytorepairthelossesofthypoorfriend。IsitnotevidenttoalltheworldthatIamstillhemmedinbyLewisBaboon？Ishenotjustuponmyborders？[AndsohewillbeifI
purchaseathousandacresmore，unlesshegetssomebodybetwixtthem。]Itellthee，friendJohn，thouhastflatterersthatpersuadetheethatthouartamanofbusiness;donotbelievethem。Ifthouwouldststillleavethyaffairsinmyhands，thoushouldstseehowhandsomelyIwoulddealbythee。ThateverthoushouldstbedazzledwiththeenchantedislandsandmountainsofgoldthatoldLewispromisesthee！’Dswounds！whydostthounotlayoutthymoneytopurchaseaplaceatcourtofhonestIsrael？Itellthee，thoumustnotsomuchasthinkofacomposition。[Notthinkofacomposition;
that’shardindeed;Ican’thelpthinkingofit，ifIwould。]Thoucomplainestofwantofmoney——letthywifeanddaughtersburnthegoldlaceoftheirpetticoats;sellthyfatcattle;retrenchbutasirloinofbeefandapeck-loafinaweekfromthygormandising。
[Retrenchmybeef——adog！Retrenchmybeef;thenitisplaintherascalhasanilldesignuponme——hewouldstarveme。]MortgagethymanorofBullock’sHatch，orpawnthycropfortenyears。[Arogue！
partwithmycountry-seat，mypatrimony，allthatIhaveleftintheworld;I’llseehimhangedfirst。]Whyhastthouchangedthyattorney？Cananymanmanagethycausebetterforthee？[Verypleasant！becauseamanhasagoodattorney，hemustnevermakeanendofhislaw-suit。]Ah，John！John！Iwishthouknewestthineownmind。Thouartasfickleasthewind。Itellthee，thouhadstbetterletthiscompositionalone，orleaveittothyLovingfriend，Nic。FROG。
*AletterfromtheStates-General。
**AlludingtotheRebellion。
***TheDutchprohibitionoftrade。
CHAPTERX。OfsomeextraordinaryThings*thatpassedatthe\"Salutation\"Tavern，intheConferencebetweenBull，Frog，EsquireSouth，andLewisBaboon。
*TheTreatyofUtrecht：thedifficultytogetthemtomeet。Whenmet，theDutchwouldnotspeaktheirsentiments，northeFrenchdeliverintheirproposals。TheHouseofAustriatalkedveryhigh。
Froghadgivenhiswordthathewouldmeettheabove-mentionedcompanyatthe\"Salutation，\"totalkofthisagreement。Thoughhedurstnotdirectlybreakhisappointment，hemademanyashufflingexcuse：onetimehepretendedtobeseizedwiththegoutinhisrightknee;thenhegotagreatcold，thathadstruckhimdeafofoneear;afterwardstwoofhiscoach-horsesfellsick，andhedurstnotgobywater，forfearofcatchinganague。Johnwouldtakenoexcuse，buthurriedhimaway。\"Come，Nic。，\"sayshe，\"let’sgoandhearatleastwhatthisoldfellowhastopropose;Ihopethere’snohurtinthat。\"\"Beitso，\"quothNic。;\"butifIcatchanyharm，woebetoyou;mywifeandchildrenwillcurseyouaslongastheylive。\"Whentheywerecometothe\"Salutation，\"Johnconcludedallwassurethen，andthatheshouldbetroublednomorewithlawaffairs。Hethoughteverybodyasplainandsincereashewas。
\"Well，neighbours，\"quothhe，\"let’snowmakeanendofallmatters，andlivepeaceablytogetherforthetimetocome。IfeverybodyisaswellinclinedasI，weshallquicklycometotheupshotofouraffair。\"Andso，pointingtoFrogtosaysomething，tothegreatsurpriseofallthecompany，Frogwasseizedwithadeadpalsyinthetongue。Johnbegantoaskhimsomeplainquestions，andwhoopedandhallooedinhisear：\"Let’scometothepoint。Nic。，whowouldstthouhavetobeLordStrutt？WouldstthouhavePhilipBaboon？\"Nic。shookhishead，andsaidnothing。\"Wiltthou，then，haveEsquireSouthtobeLordStrutt？\"Nic。shookhisheadasecondtime。\"Thenwhothedevilwiltthouhave？Saysomethingoranother。\"Nic。openedhismouthandpointedtohistongue，andcried，\"A，a，a，a！\"whichwasasmuchastosayhecouldnotspeak。
JOHNBULL。——\"ShallIservePhilipBaboonwithbroadcloth，andacceptofthecompositionthatheoffers，withthelibertyofhisparksandfishponds？\"ThenNic。roaredlikeabull，\"O，o，o，o！\"
JOHNBULL。——\"Ifthouwiltnotletmehavethem，wiltthoutakethemthyself？\"ThenNic。grinned，cackled，andlaughed，tillhewasliketokillhimself，andseemedtobesopleasedthathefellafriskinganddancingabouttheroom。
JOHNBULL。——\"ShallIleaveallthismattertothymanagement，Nic。，andgoaboutmybusiness？\"ThenNic。gotupaglassanddranktoJohn，shakinghimbythehandtillhehadliketohaveshookhisshoulderoutofjoint。
JOHNBULL。——\"Iunderstandthee，Nic。;butIshallmaketheespeakbeforeIgo。\"ThenNic。puthisfingerinhischeekandmadeitcry\"buck！\"whichwasasmuchastosay，\"Icarenotafarthingforthee。\"
JOHNBULL。——\"Ihavedone，Nic。;ifthouwiltnotspeak，I’llmakemyowntermswitholdLewishere。\"
John，perceivingthatFrogwouldnotspeak，turnstooldLewis：
\"Sincewecannotmakethisobstinatefellowspeak，Lewis，praycondescendalittletohishumour，andsetdownthymeaninguponpaper，thathemayansweritinanotherscrap。\"
\"Iaminfinitelysorry，\"quothLewis，\"thatithappenssounfortunately;for，playingalittleatcudgelst’otherday，afellowhasgivenmesucharapovertherightarmthatIamquitelame。Ihavelosttheuseofmyforefingerandmythumb，sothatI
cannotholdmypen。\"
JOHNBULL。——\"That’sallone;letmewriteforyou。\"
LEWIS。——\"ButIhaveamisfortunethatIcannotreadanybody’shandbutmyown。\"
JOHNBULL。——\"Trywhatyoucandowithyourlefthand。\"
LEWIS。——\"That’simpossible;itwillmakesuchascrawlthatitwillnotbelegible。\"
Astheyweretalkingofthismatter，incameEsquireSouth，alldressedupinfeathersandribbons，starkstaringmad，brandishinghissword，asifhewouldhavecutofftheirheads，crying\"Room，room，boys，forthegrandesquireoftheworld！theflowerofesquires！What！coveredinmypresence？I’llcrushyoursouls，andcrackyoulikelice！\"WiththathehadliketohavestruckJohnBull’shatintothefire;butJohn，whowasprettystrong-fisted，gavehimsuchasqueezeasmadehiseyeswater。Hewentonstillinhismadpranks：\"WhenIamlordoftheuniverse，thesunshallprostrateandadoreme！Thou，Frog，shaltbemybailiff;Lewismytailor;andthou，JohnBull，shaltbemyfool！\"
AllthiswhileFroglaughedinhissleeve，gavetheesquiretheothernogganofbrandy，andclappedhimontheback，whichmadehimtentimesmadder。
PoorJohnstoodinamaze，talkingthustohimself：\"Well，John，thouartgotintorarecompany！Onehasadumbdevil，theotheramaddevil，andthethirdaspiritofinfirmity。Anhonestmanhasafinetimeonitamongstsuchrogues。Whatartthouaskingofthemafterall？Somemightyboononewouldthink！onlytositquietlyatthyownfireside。WhathaveItodowithsuchfellows？JohnBull，afterallhislossesandcrosses，canlivebetterwithoutthemthantheycanwithouthim。WouldIlivedathousandleaguesoffthem！
butthedevil’sinit;JohnBullisin，andJohnBullmustgetoutaswellashecan。\"
Ashewastalkingtohimself，heobservedFrogandoldLewisedgingtowardsoneanothertowhisper，*sothatJohnwasforcedtositwithhisarmsakimbo，tokeepthemasunder。
*SomeattemptsofsecretnegotiationbetweentheFrenchandtheDutch。
SomepeopleadvisedJohntobleedFrogunderthetongue，ortakeawayhisbread-and-butter，whichwouldcertainlymakehimspeak;togiveEsquireSouthhellebore;asforLewis，somewereforemollientpoultices，othersforopeninghisarmwithanincisionknife。
CHAPTERXI。*Theapprehending，examination，andimprisonmentofJackforsuspicionofpoisoning。
*ThefourfollowingchapterscontainthehistoryofpassingtheBillagainstOccasionalConformity，andoftheWhigsagreeingtoit。
TheattentivereadercannothaveforgotthatthestoryofVanPtschirnsooker’spowderwasinterruptedbyamessagefromFrog。I
haveanaturalcompassionforcuriosity，beingmuchtroubledwiththedistempermyself;thereforetogratifythatuneasyitchingsensationinmyreader，Ihaveprocuredthefollowingaccountofthatmatter。
VanPtschirnsookercameoff（asroguesusuallydouponsuchoccasions）bypeachinghispartner;andbeingextremelyforwardtobringhimtothegallows，Jack*wasaccusedasthecontriverofalltheroguery。And，indeed，ithappenedunfortunatelyforthepoorfellow，thathewasknowntobearamostinveteratespiteagainsttheoldgentlewoman;and，consequently，thatneveranyillaccidenthappenedtoherbuthewassuspectedtobeatthebottomofit。Ifsheprickedherfinger，Jack，tobesure，laidthepinintheway;
ifsomenoiseinthestreetdisturbedherrest，whocoulditbebutJackinsomeofhisnocturnalrambles？Ifaservantranaway，Jackhaddebauchedhim。Everyidletittle-tattlethatwentabout，Jackwasalwayssuspectedfortheauthorofit。However，allwasnothingtothislastaffairofthetemperating，moderatingpowder。
*AllthemisfortunesoftheChurchchargeduponthePuritanparty。
ThehueandcrywentafterJacktoapprehendhimdeadoralive，whereverhecouldbefound。Theconstableslookedoutforhiminallhisusualhaunts;buttonopurpose。Whered’yethinktheyfoundhimatlast？Evensmokinghispipe，veryquietly，athisbrotherMartin’s;fromwhencehewascarriedwithavastmobathisheels，beforetheworshipfulMr。JusticeOverdo。Severalofhisneighboursmadeoath，*thatoflate，theprisonerhadbeenobservedtoleadaverydissolutelife，renouncingevenhisusualhypocrisyandpretencestosobriety;thathefrequentedtavernsandeating-houses，andhadbeenoftenguiltyofdrunkennessandgluttonyatmyLordMayor’stable;thathehadbeenseeninthecompanyoflewdwomen;thathehadtransferredhisusualcareoftheengrossedcopyofhisfather’swilltobankbills，ordersfortallies，anddebentures：**thesehenowaffirmed，withmoreliteraltruth，tobemeat，drink，andcloth，thephilosopher’sstone，andtheuniversalmedicine;***thathewassofarfromshowinghiscustomaryreverencetothewill，thathekeptcompanywiththosethatcalledhisfatheracheatingrogue，andhiswillaforgery;thathenotonlysatquietlyandheardhisfatherrailedat，butoftenchimedinwiththediscourse，andhuggedtheauthorsashisbosomfriends;****thatinsteadofaskingforblowsatthecornersofthestreets，henowbestowedthemasplentifullyashebeggedthembefore。***Inshort，thathewasgrownamererake;andhadnothingleftinhimofoldJackexcepthisspitetoJohnBull’smother。
*ThemannersoftheDissenterschangedfromtheirformerstrictness。
**Dealingmuchinstock-jobbing。
***\"TaleofaTub。\"
****Herdingwithdeistsandatheists。
Anotherwitnessmadeoath，thatJackhadbeenoverheardbraggingofatrick*hehadfoundouttomanagethe\"oldformaljade，\"asheusedtocallher。\"Hangthisnumb-skullofmine，\"quothhe，\"thatI
couldnotlightonitsooner。AslongasIgointhisraggedtatteredcoat，Iamsowellknown，thatIamhuntedawayfromtheoldwoman’sdoorbyeverybarkingcuraboutthehouse;theybidmedefiance。There’snodoingmischiefasanopenenemy;Imustfindsomewayorotherofgettingwithindoors，andthenIshallhavebetteropportunitiesofplayingmypranks，besidesthebenefitofgoodkeeping。\"
*GettingintoplacesandChurchprefermentsbyoccasionalconformity。
Twowitnessesswore*thatseveralyearsago，therecametotheirmistress’sdoorayoungfellowinatatteredcoat，thatwentbythenameofTimothyTrim，whomtheydidintheirconsciencebelievetobetheveryprisoner，resemblinghiminshape，stature，andthefeaturesofhiscountenance。ThatthesaidTimothyTrimbeingtakenintothefamily，clappedtheirmistress’sliveryoverhisowntatteredcoat;thatthesaidTimothywasextremelyofficiousabouttheirmistress’sperson，endeavouringbyflatteryandtale-bearingtosetheragainsttherestoftheservants：nobodywassoreadytofetchanythingthatwaswanted，toreachwhatwasdropped。Thatheusedtoshoveandelbowhisfellow-servantstogetnearhismistress，especiallywhenmoneywasapayingorreceiving——thenhewasneveroutoftheway;thathewasextremelydiligentabouteverybody’sbusinessbuthisown。ThatthesaidTimothy，whilehewasinthefamily，usedtobeplayingroguishtricks;whenhismistress’sbackwasturned，hewouldlollouthistongue，makemouths，andlaughather，walkingbehindherlikeHarlequin，ridiculinghermotionsandgestures;butifhismistresslookedabout，heputonagrave，demurecountenance，asifhehadbeeninafitofdevotion;thatheusedoftentotripup-stairssosmoothlythatyoucouldnothearhimtread，andputallthingsoutoforder;
thathewouldpinchthechildrenandservants，whenhemettheminthedark，sohard，thathelefttheprintofhisforefingersandhisthumbinblackandblue，andthenslinkintoacorner，asifnobodyhaddoneit。Outofthesamemaliciousdesignheusedtolaychairsandjoint-stoolsintheirway，thattheymightbreaktheirnosesbyfallingoverthem。Themoreyoungandinexperiencedheusedtoteachtotalksaucily，andcallnames。Duringhisstayinthefamilytherewasmuchplatemissing;beingcaughtwithacoupleofsilverspoonsinhispocket，withtheirhandleswrenchedoff，hesaidhewasonlygoingtocarrythemtothegoldsmithstobemended：
thatthesaidTimothywashatedbyallthehonestservants，forhisill-conditioned，splenetictricks，butespeciallyforhisslanderoustongue;traducingthemtotheirmistressasdrunkardsandthieves：
thatthesaidTimothy，bylyingstories，usedtosetallthefamilytogetherbytheears，takingdelighttomakethemfightandquarrel;
**particularlyonedaysittingattable，hespokewordstothiseffect：\"Iamofopinion，\"quothhe，\"thatlittleshortfellows，suchasweare，havebetterhearts，andcouldbeatthetallfellows;
Iwishitcametoafairtrial;Ibelievetheselongfellows，assightlyastheyare，shouldfindtheirjacketswellthwacked。\"
*BetrayingtheinterestsoftheChurchwhengotintopreferments。
**TheoriginalofthedistinctioninthenamesofLowChurchmenandHighChurchmen。
Aparceloftallfellows，whothoughtthemselvesaffrontedbythediscourse，tookupthequarrel，andtoittheywent，thetallmenandthelowmen，whichcontinuesstillafactioninthefamily，tothegreatdisorderofourmistress’saffairs。ThesaidTimothycarriedthisfrolicsofar，thatheproposedtohismistressthatsheshouldentertainnoservantthatwasabovefourfeetsevenincheshigh，andforthatpurposehadpreparedagauge，bywhichtheyweretobemeasured。Thegoodoldgentlewomanwasnotsosimpleastogointohisprojects——shebegantosmellarat。\"ThisTrim，\"quothshe，\"isanoddsortofafellow;methinkshemakesastrangefigurewiththatragged，tatteredcoatappearingunderhislivery;can’thegospruceandclean，liketherestoftheservants？
ThefellowhasaroguishleerwithhimwhichIdon’tlikebyanymeans;besides，hehassuchatwanginhisdiscourse，andanungracefulwayofspeakingthroughthenose，thatonecanhardlyunderstandhim;Iwishthefellowbenottaintedwithsomebaddisease。\"Thewitnessesfurthermadeoath，thatthesaidTimothylayouta-nights，andwentabroadoftenatunseasonablehours;anditwascrediblyreportedhedidbusinessinanotherfamily：thathepretendedtohaveasqueamishstomach，andcouldnoteatattablewiththerestoftheservants，thoughthiswasbutapretencetoprovidesomenicebitforhimself;thatherefusedtodineuponsaltfish，onlytohaveanopportunitytoeatacalf’shead（hisfavouritedish）inprivate;thatforallhistenderstomach，whenhewasgotbyhimself，hecoulddevourcapons，turkeys，andsirloinsofbeef，likeacormorant。
Twootherwitnessesgavethefollowingevidence：Thatinhisofficiousattendanceuponhismistress，hehadtriedtoslipapowderintoherdrink，andthathewasoncecaughtendeavouringtostifleherwithapillowasshewasasleep;thatheandPtschirnsookerwereoftenincloseconference，andthattheyusedtodrinktogetheratthe\"Rose，\"whereitseemshewaswellenoughknownbyhistruenameofJack。
Theprisonerhadlittletosayinhisdefence;heendeavouredtoprovehimselfalibi，sothatthetrialturneduponthissinglequestion，whetherthesaidTimothyTrimandJackwerethesameperson;whichwasprovedbysuchplaintokens，andparticularlybyamoleundertheleftpap，thattherewasnowithstandingtheevidence;thereforetheworshipfulMr。Justicecommittedhim，inordertohistrial。
CHAPTERXII。HowJack’sfriendscametovisithiminprison，andwhatadvicetheygavehim。
Jackhithertohadpassedintheworldforapoor，simple，well-meaning，half-witted，crack-brainedfellow。Peoplewerestrangelysurprisedtofindhiminsucharoguery——thatheshoulddisguisehimselfunderafalsename，hirehimselfoutforaservanttoanoldgentlewoman，onlyforanopportunitytopoisonher。Theysaidthatitwasmoregeneroustoprofessopenenmitythanunderaprofounddissimulationtobeguiltyofsuchascandalousbreachoftrust，andofthesacredrightsofhospitality;inshort，theactionwasuniversallycondemnedbyhisbestfriends。Theytoldhiminplaintermsthatthiswascomeasajudgmentuponhimforhislooselife，hisgluttony，drunkenness，andavarice;forlayingasidehisfather’swillinanoldmouldytrunk，andturningstock-jobber，newsmonger，andbusybody，meddlingwithotherpeople’saffairs，shakingoffhisoldseriousfriends，andkeepingcompanywithbuffoonsandpickpockets，hisfather’sswornenemies;thathehadbestthrowhimselfuponthemercyofthecourt，repent，andchangehismanners。Tosaytruth，Jackheardthesediscourseswithsomecompunction;however，heresolvedtotrywhathisnewacquaintancewoulddoforhim。TheysentHabakkukSlyboots，*whodeliveredhimthefollowingmessage，astheperemptorycommandsofhistrustycompanions：——
*HabakkukSlyboots，acertaingreatmanwhopersuadedtheDissenterstoconsenttotheBillagainstOccasionalConformityasbeingfortheirinterest。
HABAKKUK。——DearJack，Iamsorryforthymisfortune：mattershavenotbeencarriedonwithduesecrecy;however，wemustmakethebestofabadbargain。Thouartintheutmostjeopardy，that’scertain;
hang，draw，andquarter，arethegentlestthingstheytalkof。
However，thyfaithfulfriends，everwatchfulforthysecurity，bidmetelltheethattheyhaveoneinfallibleexpedientlefttosavethylife。ThoumustknowwehavegotintosomeunderstandingwiththeenemybythemeansofDonDiego;*heassuresusthereisnomercyforthee，andthatthereisonlyonewaylefttoescape。Itis，indeed，somewhatoutofthecommonroad;however，beassureditistheresultofmostmaturedeliberation。
*AnobleTorylord。
JACK。——Pritheetellmequickly，formyheartissunkdownintheverybottomofmybelly。
HAB。——Itistheunanimousopinionofyourfriendsthatyoumakeasifyouhangedyourself;*theywillgiveitoutthatyouarequitedead，andconveyyourbodyoutofprisoninabier;andJohnBull，beingbusiedwithhislawsuit，willnotinquirefurtherintothematter。
*ConsenttotheBillagainstOccasionalConformity。
JACK。——Howd’yemean，makeasifIhangedmyself？
HAB。——Nay，youmustreallyhangyourselfupinatruegenuinerope，thattheremayappearnotrickinit，andleavetheresttoyourfriends。
JACK。——Trulythisisamatterofsomeconcern，andmyfriends，I
hope，won’ttakeitillifIinquirealittleintothemeansbywhichtheyintendtodeliverme。Aropeandanoosearenojestingmatters！
HAB。——Whysomistrustful？hastthoueverfoundusfalsetothee？I
telltheethereisonereadytocuttheedown。
JACK。——MayIpresumetoaskwhoitisthatisentrustedwithsoimportantanoffice？
HAB。——Istherenoendofthyhowsandthywhys？That’sasecret。
JACK。——Asecret，perhaps，thatImaybesafelytrustedwith，forI
amnotliketotellitagain。Itellyouplainlyitisnostrangethingforamanbeforehehangshimselfuptoinquirewhoistocuthimdown。
HAB。——Thoususpiciouscreature！ifthoumustneedsknowit，ItelltheeitisSirRoger;*hehasbeenintearseversincethymisfortune。DonDiegoandwehavelaiditsothatheistobeinthenextroom，andbeforetheropeiswellaboutthyneck，restsatisfiedhewillbreakinandcuttheedown。Fearnot，oldboy;
we’lldoit，I’llwarrantthee。
*ItwasgivenoutthattheEarlofOxfordwouldopposetheoccasionalBill，andsolosehiscreditwiththeTories;andtheDissentersdidbelievehewouldnotsufferittopass。
JACK。——SoImusthangmyselfupuponhopesthatSirRogerwillcutmedown，andallthisuponthecreditofDonDiego。Afinestratagem，indeed，tosavemylife，thatdependsuponhanging，DonDiego，andSirRoger！
HAB。——Itelltheethereisamysteryinallthis，myfriend，apieceofprofoundpolicy;ifthouknewwhatgoodthiswilldotothecommoncause，thyheartwouldleapforjoy。Iamsurethouwouldstnotdelaytheexperimentonemoment。
JACK。——Thisistothetuneof\"Allforthebetter。\"What’syourcausetomewhenIamhanged？
HAB。——Refractorymortal！ifthouwiltnottrustthyfriends，takewhatfollows。Knowassuredly，beforenextfullmoon，thatthouwiltbehungupinchains，orthyquartersperchinguponthemostconspicuousplacesofthekingdom。Nay，Idon’tbelievetheywillhecontentedwithhanging;theytalkofimpaling，orbreakingonthewheel，andthouchoosestthatbeforeagentlesuspendingofthyselfforoneminute。Hangingisnotsopainfulathingasthouimaginest。Ihavespokenwithseveralthathaveundergoneit;theyallagreeitisnomannerofuneasiness。Besurethoutakegoodnoticeofthesymptoms;therelationwillbecurious。Itisbutakickortwowiththyheels，andawrymouthorso：SirRogerwillbewiththeeinthetwinklingofaneye。
JACK。——ButwhatifSirRogershouldnotcome;willmyfriendsbetheretosuccourme？
HAB。——Doubtitnot;Iwillprovideeverythingagainstto-morrowmorning：dothoukeepthyownsecret——saynothing。Itelltheeitisabsolutelynecessaryforthecommongoodthatthoushouldstgothroughthisoperation。
CHAPTERXIII。HowJackhangedhimselfupbythepersuasionofhisfriends，whobroketheirwords，andlefthisneckinthenoose。
Jackwasaprofessedenemytoimplicitfaith，andyetIdaresayitwasnevermorestronglyexertednormorebaselyabusedthanuponthisoccasion。Hewasnow，withhisoldfriends，inthestateofapoordisbandedofficerafterapeace，orratherawoundedsoldierafterabattle;likeanoldfavouriteofacunningMinisterafterthejobisover，oradecayedbeautytoacloyedloverinquestofnewgame，orlikeahundredsuchthingsthatoneseeseveryday。
Therewerenewintrigues，newviews，newprojects，onfoot。Jack’slifewasthepurchaseofDiego’sfriendship;muchgoodmayitdothem。TheinterestofHocusandSirWilliamCrawleywhichwasnowmoreatheart，madethisoperationuponpoorJackabsolutelynecessary。Youmayeasilyguessthathisrestthatnightwasbutsmall，andmuchdisturbed;however，theremainingpartofhistimehedidnotemploy（ashiscustomwasformerly）inprayer，meditation，orsingingadoubleverseofaPsalm，butamusedhimselfwithdisposingofhisbankstock。Manyadoubt，manyaqualm，overspreadhiscloudedimagination：\"MustIthen，\"quothhe，\"hangupmyownpersonal，natural，individualselfwiththesetwohands！
DurusSermo！WhatifIshouldbecutdown，asmyfriendstellme？
Thereissomethinginfamousintheveryattempt;theworldwillconcludeIhadaguiltyconscience。Isitpossiblethatgoodman，SirRoger，canhavesomuchpityuponanunfortunatescoundrelthathaspersecutedhimsomanyyears？No，itcannotbe;Idon’tlovefavoursthatpassthroughDonDiego’shands。Ontheotherside，mybloodchillsaboutmyheartatthethoughtoftheserogueswiththeirbloodyhandspullingoutmyveryentrails。Hangit，foronceI’lltrustmyfriends。\"SoJackresolved;buthehaddonemorewiselytohaveputhimselfuponthetrialofhiscountry，andmadehisdefenceinform;manythingshappenbetweenthecupandthelip——
witnessesmighthavebeenbribed，juriesmanaged，orprosecutionstopped。Butsoitwas，Jackforthistimehadasufficientstockofimplicitfaith，whichledhimtohisruin，asthesequelofthestoryshows。
Andnowthefataldaywascomeinwhichhewastotrythishangingexperiment。Hisfriendsdidnotfailhimattheappointedhourtoseeitputinpractice。Habakkukbroughthimasmooth，strong，toughrope，madeofmanyaplyofwholesomeScandinavianhemp，compactlytwistedtogether，withanoosethatslippedasglibasabirdcatcher’sgin。Jackshrankandgrewpaleatfirstsightofit;
hehandledit，hemeasuredit，stretchedit，fixeditagainsttheironbarofthewindowtotryitsstrength，butnofamiliaritycouldreconcilehimtoit。Hefoundfaultwiththelength，thethickness，andthetwist;nay，theverycolourdidnotpleasehim。\"Willnothinglessthanhangingserve？\"quothJack。\"Won’tmyenemiestakebailformygoodbehaviour？Willtheyacceptofafine，orbesatisfiedwiththepilloryandimprisonment，agoodroundwhipping，orburninginthecheek？\"
HAB。——Nothingbutyourbloodwillappeasetheirrage;makehaste，elseweshallbediscovered。There’snothinglikesurprisingtherogues。Howtheywillbedisappointedwhentheyhearthatthouhastpreventedtheirrevengeandhangedthineownself。
JACK。——That’strue;butwhatifIshoulddoitineffigies？Isthereneveranoldpopeorpretendertohangupinmystead？Wearenotsounlikebutitmaypass。
HAB。——ThatcanneverbeputuponSirRoger。
JACK。——Areyousureheisinthenextroom？Haveyouprovidedaverysharpknife，incaseoftheworst？
HAB。——Dosttakemeforacommonliar？Besatisfied，nodamagecanhappentoyourperson;yourfriendswilltakecareofthat。
JACK。——Mayn’tIquiltmyrope？Itgallsmyneckstrangely：
besides，Idon’tlikethisrunningknot。Itholdstootight;Imaybestifledallofasudden。
HAB。——Thouhastsomanyifsandands！pritheedespatch;itmighthavebeenoverbeforethistime。
JACK。——ButnowIthinkon’t，Iwouldfainsettlesomeaffairs，forfearoftheworst：havealittlepatience。
HAB。——There’snohavingpatience，thouartsuchafaintling，sillycreature。
JACK。——Othoumostdetestable，abominablePassiveObedience！didI
everimagineIshouldbecomethyvotary，insopregnantaninstance？
HowwillmybrotherMartinlaughatthisstory，toseehimselfoutdoneinhisowncalling！Hehastakenthedoctrine，andleftmethepractice。
Nosoonerhadheutteredthesewords，but，likeamanoftruecourage，hetiedthefatalcordtothebeam，fittedthenoose，andmounteduponthebottomofatub，theinsideofwhichhehadoftengracedinhisprosperousdays。ThisfootstoolHabakkukkickedaway，andleftpoorJackswinginglikethependulumofPaul’sclock。Thefatalnooseperformeditsoffice，andwithmoststrictligaturesqueezedthebloodintohisfacetillitassumedapurpledye。
Whilethepoormanheavedfromtheverybottomofhisbellyforbreath，Habakkukwalkedwithgreatdeliberationintoboththeupperandlowerroom，toacquainthisfriends，whoreceivedthenewswithgreattemper，andwithjeersandscoffsinsteadofpity。\"Jackhashangedhimself！\"quoththey;\"letusgoandseehowthepoorrogueswings。\"ThentheycalledSirRoger。\"SirRoger，\"quothHabakkuk，\"Jackhashangedhimself;makehasteandcuthimdown。\"SirRogerturnedfirstoneearandthentheother，notunderstandingwhathesaid。
HAB。——ItellyouJackhashangedhimselfup。
SIRROGER。——Who’shanged？
HAB。——Jack。
SIRROGER。——Ithoughtthishadnotbeenhangingday。
HAB。——Butthepoorfellowhashangedhimself。
SIRROGER。——Thenlethimhang。Idon’twonderatit;thefellowhasbeenmadthesetwentyyears。
Withthisheslunkaway。
ThenJack’sfriendsbegantohunchandpushoneanother：\"Whydon’tyougoandcutthepoorfellowdown？\"\"Whydon’tyou？\"\"Andwhydon’tyou？\"\"NotI，\"quothone。\"NotI，\"quothanother。\"NotI，\"
quothathird;\"hemayhangtilldoomsdaybeforeIrelievehim！\"
Nay，itiscrediblyreportedthattheyweresofarfromsuccouringtheirpoorfriendinthishisdismalcircumstance，thatPtschirnsookerandseveralofhiscompanionswentinandpulledhimbythelegs，andthumpedhimonthebreast。Thentheybegantorailathimfortheverythingwhichtheyhadadvisedandjustifiedbefore，viz。，hisgettingintotheoldgentlewoman’sfamily，andputtingonherlivery。Thekeeperwhoperformedthelastofficecomingup，foundJackswinging，withnolifeinhim。Hetookdownthebodygentlyandlaiditonabulk，andbroughtouttheropetothecompany。\"This，gentlemen，istheropethathangedJack;whatmustbedonewithit？\"UponwhichtheyorderedittobelaidamongthecuriositiesofGreshamCollege;anditiscalledJack’sropetothisveryday。However，Jack，afterall，hadsomesmalltokensoflifeinhim，butlies，atthistime，pasthopesofatotalrecovery，withhisheadhangingononeshoulder，withoutspeechormotion。
Thecoroner’sinquest，supposinghimtobedead，broughthiminnoncompos。
CHAPTERXIV。TheConferencebetweenDonDiegoandJohnBull。
Duringthetimeoftheforegoingtransactions，DonDiegowasentertainingJohnBull。
DONDIEGO。——Ihope，sir，thisday’sproceedingwillconvinceyouofthesincerityofyouroldfriendDiego，andthetreacheryofSirRoger。
JOHNBULL。——What’sthematternow？
DONDIEGO。——Youhavebeenendeavouring，forseveralyears，tohavejusticedoneuponthatrogueJack，but，whatthroughtheremissnessofconstables，justices，andpackedjuries，hehasalwaysfoundthemeanstoescape。
JOHNBULL。——Whatthen？
DONDIEGO。——Consider，then，whoisyourbestfriend：hethatwouldhavebroughthimtocondignpunishment，orhethathassavedhim？
BymypersuasionJackhadhangedhimself，ifSirRogerhadnotcuthimdown。
JOHNBULL。——WhotoldyouthatSirRogerhasdoneso？
DONDIEGO。——Youseemtoreceivemecoldly：methinksmyservicesdeserveabetterreturn。
JOHNBULL。——Sinceyouvalueyourselfuponhangingthispoorscoundrel，Itellyou，whenIhaveanymorehangingwork，I’llsendforthee：IhavesomebetteremploymentforSirRoger。Inthemeantime，Idesirethepoorfellowmaybelookedafter。Whenhefirstcameoutofthenorthcountryintomyfamily，underthepretendednameofTimothyTrim，thefellowseemedtomindhisloomandhisspinning-wheel，tillsomebodyturnedhishead;thenhegrewsopragmatical，thathetookuponhimthegovernmentofmywholefamily：Icouldneverorderanything，withinorwithoutdoors，buthemustbealwaysgivinghiscounsel，forsooth：nevertheless，tellhimIwillforgivewhatispast;andifhewouldmindhisbusinessforthefuture，andnotmeddleoutofhisownsphere，hewillfindthatJohnBullisnotofacrueldisposition。
DONDIEGO。——YetallyourskilfulphysicianssaythatnothingcanrecoveryourmotherbutapieceofJack’sliverboiledinhersoup。
JOHNBULL。——Thosearequacks。Mymotherabhorssuchcannibals’
food。Sheisinperfecthealthatpresent。Iwouldhavegivenmanyagoodpoundtohavehadhersowellsometimeago。*Thereareindeedtwoorthreetroublesomeoldnursesthat，becausetheybelieveIamtender-hearted，willneverletmehaveaquietnight’srestwithknockingmeup：\"Oh，sir，yourmotheristakenextremelyill;sheisfallenintoafaintingfit;shehasagreatemptiness，wantssustenance。\"Thisisonlytorecommendthemselvesfortheirgreatcare。JohnBull，assimpleasheis，understandsalittleofapulse。
*NewclamoursaboutthedangeroftheChurch。
CHAPTERXV。Thesequelofthemeetingatthe\"Salutation。\"*
*AttheCongressofUtrecht。
WhereIthinkIleftJohnBull，sittingbetweenNic。FrogandLewisBaboon，withhisarmsakimbo，ingreatconcerntokeepLewisandNic。asunder。Aswatchfulashewas，Nic。foundthemeansnowandthentostealawhisper，andbyacleanlyconveyanceunderthetabletoslipashortnoteintoLewis’shand，whichLewisasslylyputintoJohn’spocket，withapinchorajogtowarnhimwhathewasabout。Johnhadthecuriositytoretireintoacornertoperusethosebilletsdoux*ofNic。’s，whereinhefoundthatNic。hadusedgreatfreedomsbothwithhisinterestandreputation。Onecontainedthesewords：\"DearLewis，thouseestclearlythatthisblockheadcanneverbringhismatterstobear。Lettheeandmetalkto-nightbyourselvesatthe’Rose，’andI’llgivetheesatisfaction。\"
Anotherwasthusexpressed：\"FriendLewis，hasthysensequiteforsakentheetomakeBullsuchoffers？Holdfast，partwithnothing，andIwillgivetheeabetterbargain，I’llwarrantthee！’
*SomeoffersoftheDutchatthattime，inordertogetthenegotiationintotheirhands。