ANURGENTREMONSTRANCE，&cTOTHEGENTLEMENOFENGLAND，（BEINGBACHELORSORWIDOWERS，）
THEREMONSTRANCEOFTHEIRFAITHFULFELLOW-SUBJECT，SHEWETH，-
THATHerMostGraciousMajesty，Victoria，bytheGraceofGodoftheUnitedKingdomofGreatBritainandIrelandQueen，DefenderoftheFaith，did，onthe23rddayofNovemberlastpast，declareandpronouncetoHerMostHonourablePrivyCouncil，HerMajesty’sMostGraciousintentionofenteringintothebondsofwedlock。
THATHerMostGraciousMajesty，insomakingknownHerMostGraciousintentiontoHerMostHonourablePrivyCouncilasaforesaid，diduseandemploythewords-’ItismyintentiontoallymyselfinmarriagewithPrinceAlbertofSaxeCoburgandGotha。’
THATthepresentisBissextile，orLeapYear，inwhichitisheldandconsideredlawfulforanyladytoofferandsubmitproposalsofmarriagetoanygentleman，andtoenforceandinsistuponacceptanceofthesame，underpainofacertainfineorpenalty；towit，onesilkorsatindressofthefirstquality，tobechosenbytheladyandpaid（orowed）for，bythegentleman。
THATtheseandotherthehorrorsanddangerswithwhichthesaidBissextile，orLeapYear，threatensthegentlemenofEnglandoneveryoccasionofitsperiodicalreturn，havebeengreatlyaggravatedandaugmentedbythetermsofHerMajesty’ssaidMostGraciouscommunication，whichhavefilledtheheadsofdiversyoungladiesinthisRealmwithcertainnewideasdestructivetothepeaceofmankind，thatneverenteredtheirimaginationbefore。
THATacasehasoccurredinCamberwell，inwhichayoungladyinformedherPapathat’sheintendedtoallyherselfinmarriage’
withMr。SmithofStepney；andthatanother，andaverydistressingcase，hasoccurredatTottenham，inwhichayoungladynotonlystatedherintentionofallyingherselfinmarriagewithhercousinJohn，but，takingviolentpossessionofhersaidcousin，actuallymarriedhim。
THATsimilaroutragesareofconstantoccurrence，notonlyinthecapitalanditsneighbourhood，butthroughoutthekingdom，andthatunlesstheexcitedfemalepopulacebespeedilycheckedandrestrainedintheirlawlessproceedings，mostdeplorableresultsmustensuetherefrom；amongwhichmaybeanticipatedamostalarmingincreaseinthepopulationofthecountry，withwhichnoeffortsoftheagriculturalormanufacturinginterestcanpossiblykeeppace。
THATthereisstrongreasontosuspecttheexistenceofamostextensiveplot，conspiracy，ordesign，secretlycontrivedbyvastnumbersofsingleladiesintheUnitedKingdomofGreatBritainandIreland，andnowextendingitsramificationsineveryquarteroftheland；theobjectandintentofwhichplainlyappearstobetheholdingandsolemnisingofanenormousandunprecedentednumberofmarriages，onthedayonwhichthenuptialsofHersaidMostGraciousMajestyareperformed。
THATsuchplot，conspiracy，ordesign，stronglysavoursofPopery，astendingtothediscomfitureoftheClergyoftheEstablishedChurch，byentailinguponthemgreatmentalandphysicalexhaustion；andthatsuchPopishplotsarefomentedandencouragedbyHerMajesty’sMinisters，whichclearlyappears-notonlyfromHerMajesty’sprincipalSecretaryofStateforForeignAffairstraitorouslygettingmarriedwhileholdingofficeundertheCrown；
butfromMr。O’Connellhavingbeenheardtodeclareandavowthat，ifhehadadaughtertomarry，sheshouldbemarriedonthesamedayasHersaidMostGraciousMajesty。
THATsucharchplots，conspiracies，anddesigns，besidesbeingfraughtwithdangertotheEstablishedChurch，and（consequently）
totheState，cannotfailtobringruinandbankruptcyuponalargeclassofHerMajesty’ssubjects；asagreatandsuddenincreaseinthenumberofmarriedmenoccasioningthecomparativedesertion（foratime）ofTaverns，Hotels，Billiard-rooms，andGaming-Houses，willdeprivetheProprietorsoftheiraccustomedprofitsandreturns。Andinfurtherproofofthedepthandbasenessofsuchdesigns，itmaybehereobserved，thatallproprietorsofTaverns，Hotels，Billiard-rooms，andGaming-Houses，are（especiallythelast）solemnlydevotedtotheProtestantreligion。
FORallthesereasons，andmanyothersofnolessgravityandimport，anurgentappealismadetothegentlemenofEngland（beingbachelorsorwidowers）totakeimmediatestepsforconveningaPublicmeeting；ToconsiderofthebestandsurestmeansofavertingthedangerswithwhichtheyarethreatenedbytherecurrenceofBissextile，orLeapYear，andtheadditionalsensationcreatedamongsingleladiesbythetermsofHerMajesty’sMostGraciousDeclaration；Totakemeasures，withoutdelay，forresistingthesaidsingleLadies，andcounteractingtheirevildesigns；AndtoprayHerMajestytodismissherpresentMinisters，andtosummontoherCouncilsthosedistinguishedGentlemeninvariousHonourableProfessionswho，byinsultingonalloccasionstheonlyLadyinEnglandwhocanbeinsultedwithsafety，havegivenasufficientguaranteetoHerMajesty’sLovingSubjectsthatthey，atleast，arequalifiedtomakewarwithwomen，andarealreadyexpertintheuseofthoseweaponswhicharecommontothelowestandmostabandonedofthesex。
THEYOUNGCOUPLE
Thereistobeaweddingthismorningatthecornerhouseintheterrace。Thepastry-cook’speoplehavebeentherehalf-a-dozentimesalready；alldayyesterdaytherewasagreatstirandbustle，andtheywereupthismorningassoonasitwaslight。MissEmmaFieldingisgoingtobemarriedtoyoungMr。Harvey。
Heavenalonecantellinwhatbrightcoloursthismarriageispainteduponthemindofthelittlehousemaidatnumbersix，whohashardlysleptawinkallnightwiththinkingofit，andnowstandsontheunsweptdoor-stepsleaninguponherbroom，andlookingwistfullytowardstheenchantedhouse。Nothingshortofomnisciencecandivinewhatvisionsofthebaker，orthegreen-
grocer，orthesmartandmostinsinuatingbutterman，areflittingacrosshermind-whatthoughtsofhowshewoulddressonsuchanoccasion，ifshewerealady-ofhowshewoulddress，ifshewereonlyabride-ofhowcookwoulddress，beingbridesmaid，conjointlywithhersister’inplace’atFulham，andhowtheclergyman，deemingthemsomanyladies，wouldbequitehumbledandrespectful。Whatday-dreamsofhopeandhappiness-oflifebeingoneperpetualholiday，withnomasterandnomistresstograntorwithholdit-ofeverySundaybeingaSundayout-ofpurefreedomastocurlsandringlets，andnoobligationtohidefineheadsofhairincaps-whatpicturesofhappiness，vastandimmensetoher，bututterlyridiculoustous，bewilderthebrainofthelittlehousemaidatnumbersix，allcalledintoexistencebytheweddingatthecorner！
Wesmileatsuchthings，andsoweshould，thoughperhapsforabetterreasonthancommonlypresentsitself。Itshouldbepleasanttoustoknowthattherearenotionsofhappinesssomoderateandlimited，sinceuponthosewhoentertainthem，happinessandlightnessofheartareveryeasilybestowed。
Butthelittlehousemaidisawakenedfromherreverie，forforthfromthedoorofthemagicalcornerhousethererunstowardsher，allflutteringinsmartnewdressandstreamingribands，herfriendJaneAdams，whocomesalloutofbreathtoredeemasolemnpromiseoftakingherin，undercoveroftheconfusion，toseethebreakfasttablespreadforthinstate，and-sightofsights！-heryoungmistressreadydressedforchurch。
Andthere，ingoodtruth，whentheyhavestolenup-stairsontip-
toeandedgedthemselvesinatthechamber-door-thereisMissEmma’lookinglikethesweetestpicter，’inawhitechipbonnetandorangeflowers，andallothereleganciesbecomingabride，（withthemake，shape，andqualityofeveryarticleofwhichthegirlisperfectlyfamiliarinonemoment，andneverforgetstoherdyingday）-andthereisMissEmma’smammaintears，andMissEmma’spapacomfortingher，andsayinghowthatofcourseshehasbeenlonglookingforwardtothis，andhowhappysheoughttobe-andtheretooisMissEmma’ssisterwithherarmsroundherneck，andtheotherbridesmaidallsmilesandtears，quietingthechildren，whowouldcrymorebutthattheyaresofinelydressed，andyetsobforfearsisterEmmashouldbetakenaway-anditisallsoaffecting，thatthetwoservant-girlscrymorethananybody；andJaneAdams，sittingdownuponthestairs，whentheyhavecreptaway，declaresthatherlegstremblesothatshedon’tknowwhattodo，andthatshewillsayforMissEmma，thatsheneverhadahastywordfromher，andthatshedoeshopeandprayshemaybehappy。
ButJanesooncomesroundagain，andthensurelythereneverwasanythinglikethebreakfasttable，glitteringwithplateandchina，andsetoutwithflowersandsweets，andlong-neckedbottles，inthemostsumptuousanddazzlingmanner。Inthecentre，too，isthemightycharm，thecake，glisteningwithfrostedsugar，andgarnishedbeautifully。TheyagreethatthereoughttobealittleCupidunderoneofthebarley-sugartemples，oratleasttwoheartsandanarrow；but，withthisexception，thereisnothingtowishfor，andatablecouldnotbehandsomer。Astheyarriveatthisconclusion，whoshouldcomeinbutMr。John！towhomJanesaysthatitsonlyAnnefromnumbersix；andJohnsaysHEknows，forhe’softenwinkedhiseyedownthearea，whichcausesAnnetoblushandlookconfused。Sheisgoingaway，indeed；whenMr。Johnwillhaveitthatshemustdrinkaglassofwine，andhesaysnevermindit’sbeingearlyinthemorning，itwon’thurther：sotheyshutthedoorandpouroutthewine；andAnnedrinkinglane’shealth，andadding，’andhere’swishingyouyours，Mr。John，’drinksitinagreatmanysips，-Mr。Johnallthetimemakingjokesappropriatetotheoccasion。AtlastMr。John，whohaswaxedbolderbydegrees，pleadstheusageatweddings，andclaimstheprivilegeofakiss，whichheobtainsafteragreatscuffle；andfootstepsbeingnowheardonthestairs，theydispersesuddenly。
Bythistimeacarriagehasdrivenuptoconveythebridetochurch，andAnneofnumbersixprolongingtheprocessof’cleaningherdoor，’hasthesatisfactionofbeholdingthebrideandbridesmaids，andthepapaandmamma，hurryintothesameanddriverapidlyoff。Noristhisall，forsoonothercarriagesbegintoarrivewithaposseofcompanyallbeautifullydressed，atwhomshecouldstandandgazeforever；buthavingsomethingelsetodo，iscompelledtotakeonelastlonglookandshutthestreet-door。
Andnowthecompanyhavegonedowntobreakfast，andtearshavegivenplacetosmiles，forallthecorksareoutofthelong-neckedbottles，andtheircontentsaredisappearingrapidly。MissEmma’spapaisatthetopofthetable；MissEmma’smammaatthebottom；
andbesidethelatterareMissEmmaherselfandherhusband，-
admittedonallhandstobethehandsomestandmostinterestingyoungcoupleeverknown。Alldownbothsidesofthetable，too，arevariousyoungladies，beautifultosee，andvariousyounggentlemenwhoseemtothinkso；andthere，inapostofhonour，isanunmarriedauntofMissEmma’s，reportedtopossessunheard-ofriches，andtohaveexpressedvasttestamentaryintentionsrespectingherfavouritenieceandnewnephew。Thisladyhasbeenveryliberalandgenerousalready，asthejewelswornbythebrideabundantlytestify，butthatisnothingtowhatshemeanstodo，oreventowhatshehasdone，forsheputherselfinclosecommunicationwiththedressmakerthreemonthsago，andpreparedawardrobe（withsomearticlesworkedbyherownhands）fitforaPrincess。Peoplemaycallheranoldmaid，andsoshemaybe，butsheisneithercrossnoruglyforallthat；onthecontrary，sheisverycheerfulandpleasant-looking，andverykindandtender-
hearted：whichisnomatterofsurpriseexcepttothosewhoyieldtopopularprejudiceswithoutthinkingwhy，andwillnevergrowwiserandneverknowbetter。
Ofallthecompanythough，nonearemorepleasanttobeholdorbetterpleasedwiththemselvesthantwoyoungchildren，who，inhonouroftheday，haveseatsamongtheguests。Ofthese，oneisalittlefellowofsixoreightyearsold，brothertothebride，-
andtheotheragirlofthesameage，orsomethingyounger，whomhecalls’hiswife。’Therealbrideandbridegroomarenotmoredevotedthanthey：heallloveandattention，andsheallblushesandfondness，toyingwithalittlebouquetwhichhegaveherthismorning，andplacingthescatteredrose-leavesinherbosomwithnature’sowncoquettishness。Theyhavedreamtofeachotherintheirquietdreams，thesechildren，andtheirlittleheartshavebeennearlybrokenwhentheabsentonehasbeendispraisedinjest。
Whenwilltherecomeinafter-lifeapassionsoearnest，generous，andtrueastheirs；what，eveninitsgentlestrealities，canhavethegraceandcharmthathoverroundsuchfairylovers！
Bythistimethemerrimentandhappinessofthefeasthavegainedtheirheight；certainominouslooksbegintobeexchangedbetweenthebridesmaids，andsomehowitgetswhisperedaboutthatthecarriagewhichistotaketheyoungcoupleintothecountryhasarrived。Suchmembersofthepartyasaremostdisposedtoprolongitsenjoyments，affecttoconsiderthisafalsealarm，butitturnsouttootrue，beingspeedilyconfirmed，firstbytheretirementofthebrideandaselectfileofintimateswhoaretoprepareherforthejourney，andsecondlybythewithdrawaloftheladiesgenerally。Tothisthereensuesaparticularlyawkwardpause，inwhicheverybodyessaystobefacetious，andnobodysucceeds；atlengththebridegroommakesamysteriousdisappearanceinobediencetosomeequallymysterioussignal；andthetableisdeserted。
Now，foratleastsixweekslastpastithasbeensolemnlydevisedandsettledthattheyoungcoupleshouldgoawayinsecret；buttheynosoonerappearwithoutthedoorthanthedrawing-roomwindowsareblockedupwithladieswavingtheirhandkerchiefsandkissingtheirhands，andthedining-roompaneswithgentlemen’sfacesbeamingfarewellineveryqueervarietyofitsexpression。
Thehallandstepsarecrowdedwithservantsinwhitefavours，mixedupwithparticularfriendsandrelationswhohavedartedouttosaygood-bye；andforemostinthegrouparethetinyloversarminarm，thinking，withflutteringhearts，whathappinessitwouldbetodashawaytogetherinthatgallantcoach，andneverpartagain。
Thebridehasbarelytimeforonehurriedglanceatheroldhome，whenthestepsrattle，thedoorslams，thehorsesclatteronthepavement，andtheyhaveleftitfaraway。
Aknotofwomenservantsstillremainclusteredinthehall，whisperingamongthemselves，andthereofcourseisAnnefromnumbersix，whohasmadeanotherescapeonsomepleaorother，andbeenanadmiringwitnessofthedeparture。TherearetwopointsonwhichAnneexpatiatesoverandoveragain，withoutthesmallestappearanceoffatigueorintendingtoleaveoff；oneis，thatshe’neverseeinallherlifesucha-ohsuchaangelofagentlemanasMr。Harvey’-andtheother，thatshe’can’ttellhowitis，butitdon’tseemabitlikeawork-a-day，oraSundayneither-it’sallsounsettledandunregular。’
THEFORMALCOUPLE
Theformalcouplearethemostprim，cold，immovable，andunsatisfactorypeopleonthefaceoftheearth。Theirfaces，voices，dress，house，furniture，walk，andmanner，arealltheessenceofformality，unrelievedbyoneredeemingtouchoffrankness，heartiness，ornature。
Everythingwiththeformalcoupleresolvesitselfintoamatterofform。Theydon’tcalluponyouonyouraccount，buttheirown；nottoseehowyouare，buttoshowhowtheyare：itisnotaceremonytodohonourtoyou，buttothemselves，-notduetoyourposition，buttotheirs。Ifoneofafriend’schildrendie，theformalcoupleareassureandpunctualinsendingtothehouseastheundertaker；ifafriend’sfamilybeincreased，themonthlynurseisnotmoreattentivethanthey。Theformalcouple，infact，joyfullyseizealloccasionsoftestifyingtheirgood-breedingandpreciseobservanceofthelittleusagesofsociety；andforyou，whoarethemeanstothisend，theycareasmuchasamandoesforthetailorwhohasenabledhimtocutafigure，orawomanforthemillinerwhohasassistedhertoaconquest。
Havinganextensiveconnexionamongthatkindofpeoplewhomakeacquaintancesandeschewfriends，theformalgentlemanattendsfromtimetotimeagreatmanyfunerals，towhichheisformallyinvited，andtowhichheformallygoes，asreturningacallforthelasttime。Herehisdeportmentisofthemostfaultlessdescription；heknowstheexactpitchofvoiceitispropertoassume，thesombrelookheoughttowear，themelancholytreadwhichshouldbehisgaitfortheday。Heisperfectlyacquaintedwithallthedrearycourtesiestobeobservedinamourning-coach；
knowswhentosigh，andwhentohidehisnoseinthewhitehandkerchief；andlooksintothegraveandshakeshisheadwhentheceremonyisconcluded，withthesadformalityofamute。
’Whatkindoffuneralwasit？’saystheformallady，whenhereturnshome。’Oh！’repliestheformalgentleman，’thereneverwassuchagrossanddisgustingimpropriety；therewerenofeathers。’
’Nofeathers！’criesthelady，asifonwingsofblackfeathersdeadpeopleflytoHeaven，and，lackingthem，theymustofnecessitygoelsewhere。Herhusbandshakeshishead；andfurtheradds，thattheyhadseed-cakeinsteadofplum-cake，andthatitwasallwhitewine。’Allwhitewine！’exclaimshiswife。’Nothingbutsherryandmadeira，’saysthehusband。’What！noport？’’Notadrop。’Noport，noplums，andnofeathers！’Youwillrecollect，mydear，’saystheformallady，inavoiceofstatelyreproof，’thatwhenwefirstmetthispoormanwhoisnowdeadandgone，andhetookthatverystrangecourseofaddressingmeatdinnerwithoutbeingpreviouslyintroduced，Iventuredtoexpressmyopinionthatthefamilywerequiteignorantofetiquette，andveryimperfectlyacquaintedwiththedecenciesoflife。Youhavenowhadagoodopportunityofjudgingforyourself，andallIhavetosayis，thatItrustyouwillnevergotoafuneralTHEREagain。’’Mydear，’
repliestheformalgentleman，’Ineverwill。’Sotheinformaldeceasediscutinhisgrave；andtheformalcouple，whentheytellthestoryofthefuneral，shaketheirheads，andwonderwhatsomepeople’sfeelingsAREmadeof，andwhattheirnotionsofproprietyCANbe！
Iftheformalcouplehaveafamily（whichtheysometimeshave），theyarenotchildren，butlittle，pale，sour，sharp-nosedmenandwomen；andsoexquisitelybroughtup，thattheymightbeveryolddwarfsforanythingthatappearethtothecontrary。Indeed，theyaresoacquaintedwithformsandconventionalities，andconductthemselveswithsuchstrictdecorum，thattoseethelittlegirlbreakalooking-glassinsomewildoutbreak，orthelittleboykickhisparents，wouldbetoanyvisitoranunspeakablereliefandconsolation。
Theformalcouplearealwayssticklersforwhatisrigidlyproper，andhaveagreatreadinessindetectinghiddenimproprietyofspeechorthought，whichbylessscrupulouspeoplewouldbewhollyunsuspected。Thus，iftheypayavisittothetheatre，theysitallnightinaperfectagonylestanythingimproperorimmoralshouldproceedfromthestage；andifanythingshouldhappentobesaidwhichadmitsofadoubleconstruction，theyneverfailtotakeitupdirectly，andtoexpressbytheirlooksthegreatoutragewhichtheirfeelingshavesustained。Perhapsthisistheirchiefreasonforabsentingthemselvesalmostentirelyfromplacesofpublicamusement。TheygosometimestotheExhibitionoftheRoyalAcademy；-butthatisoftenmoreshockingthanthestageitself，andtheformalladythinksthatitreallyishightimeMr。Ettywasprosecutedandmadeapublicexampleof。
Wemadeoneatachristeningpartynotlongsince，wheretherewereamongsttheguestsaformalcouple，whosufferedtheacutesttorturefromcertainjokes，incidentaltosuchanoccasion，cut-
andverylikelydriedalso-byoneofthegodfathers；ared-facedelderlygentleman，who，beinghighlypopularwiththerestofthecompany，haditallhisownway，andwasingreatspirits。Itwasatsupper-timethatthisgentlemancameoutinfullforce。We-
beingofagraveandquietdemeanour-hadbeenchosentoescorttheformalladydown-stairs，and，sittingbesideher，hadafavourableopportunityofobservingheremotions。
Wehaveashrewdsuspicionthat，intheverybeginning，andinthefirstblush-literallythefirstblush-ofthematter，theformalladyhadnotfeltquitecertainwhetherthebeingpresentatsuchaceremony，andencouraging，asitwere，thepublicexhibitionofababy，wasnotanactinvolvingsomedegreeofindelicacyandimpropriety；butcertainwearethatwhenthatbaby’shealthwasdrunk，andallusionsweremade，byagrey-headedgentlemanproposingit，tothetimewhenhehaddandledinhisarmstheyoungChristian’smother，-certainwearethatthentheformalladytookthealarm，andrecoiledfromtheoldgentlemanasfromahoaryprofligate。Stillsheboreit；shefannedherselfwithanindignantair，butstillsheboreit。Acomicsongwassung，involvingaconfessionfromsomeimaginarygentlemanthathehadkissedafemale，andyettheformalladyboreit。Butwhenatlast，thehealthofthegodfatherbefore-mentionedbeingdrunk，thegodfatherrosetoreturnthanks，andinthecourseofhisobservationsdarklyhintedatbabiesyetunborn，andevencontemplatedthepossibilityofthesubjectofthatfestivalhavingbrothersandsisters，theformalladycouldendurenomore，but，bowingslightlyround，andsweepinghaughtilypasttheoffender，lefttheroomintears，undertheprotectionoftheformalgentleman。
THELOVINGCOUPLE
Therecannotbeabetterpracticalillustrationofthewisesawandancientinstance，thattheremaybetoomuchofagoodthing，thanispresentedbyalovingcouple。Undoubtedlyitismeetandproperthattwopersonsjoinedtogetherinholymatrimonyshouldbeloving，andunquestionablyitispleasanttoknowandseethattheyareso；butthereisatimeforallthings，andthecouplewhohappentobealwaysinalovingstatebeforecompany，arewell-nighintolerable。
Andintakingupthispositionwewouldhaveitdistinctlyunderstoodthatwedonotseekalonethesympathyofbachelors，inwhoseobjectiontolovingcoupleswerecogniseinterestedmotivesandpersonalconsiderations。Wegrantthattothatunfortunateclassofsocietytheremaybesomethingveryirritating，tantalising，andprovoking，inbeingcompelledtowitnessthosegentleendearmentsandchasteinterchangeswhichtolovingcouplesarequitetheordinarybusinessoflife。Butwhilewerecognisethenaturalcharacteroftheprejudicetowhichtheseunhappymenaresubject，wecanneitherreceivetheirbiassedevidence，noraddressourselftotheirinflamedandangeredminds。Dispassionateexperienceisouronlyguide；andinthesemoralessaysweseeknolesstoreformhymenealoffendersthantoholdoutatimelywarningtoallrisingcouples，andeventothosewhohavenotyetsetforthupontheirpilgrimagetowardsthematrimonialmarket。
Letallcouples，presentortocome，thereforeprofitbytheexampleofMr。andMrs。Leaver，themselvesalovingcoupleinthefirstdegree。
Mr。andMrs。LeaverarepronouncedbyMrs。Starling，awidowladywholostherhusbandwhenshewasyoung，andlostherselfaboutthesame-time-forbyherowncountshehasneversincegrownfiveyearsolder-tobeaperfectmodelofweddedfelicity。’Youwouldsuppose，’saystheromanticlady，’thattheywereloversonlyjustnowengaged。Neverwassuchhappiness！Theyaresotender，soaffectionate，soattachedtoeachother，soenamoured，thatpositivelynothingcanbemorecharming！’
’Augusta，mysoul，’saysMr。Leaver。’Augustus，mylife，’repliesMrs。Leaver。’Singsomelittleballad，darling，’quothMr。Leaver。
’Icouldn’t，indeed，dearest，’returnsMrs。Leaver。’Do，mydove，’
saysMr。Leaver。’Icouldn’tpossibly，mylove，’repliesMrs。
Leaver；’andit’sverynaughtyofyoutoaskme。’’Naughty，darling！’criesMr。Leaver。’Yes，verynaughty，andverycruel，’
returnsMrs。Leaver，’foryouknowIhaveasorethroat，andthattosingwouldgivemegreatpain。You’reamonster，andIhateyou。Goaway！’Mrs。Leaverhassaid’goaway，’becauseMr。Leaverhastappedherunderthechin：Mr。Leavernotdoingasheisbid，butonthecontrary，sittingdownbesideher，Mrs。LeaverslapsMr。
Leaver；andMr。LeaverinreturnslapsMrs。Leaver，anditbeingnowtimeforallpersonspresenttolooktheotherway，theylooktheotherway，andhearastillsmallsoundasofkissing，atwhichMrs。Starlingisthoroughlyenraptured，andwhispersherneighbourthatifallmarriedcoupleswerelikethat，whataheaventhisearthwouldbe！
Thelovingcoupleareathomewhenthisoccurs，andmaybeonlythreeorfourfriendsarepresent，but，unaccustomedtoreserveuponthisinterestingpoint，theyareprettymuchthesameabroad。
Indeeduponsomeoccasions，suchasapic-nicorawater-party，theirlovingnessisevenmoredeveloped，aswehadanopportunitylastsummerofobservinginperson。
Therewasagreatwater-partymadeuptogotoTwickenhamanddine，andafterwardsdanceinanemptyvillabytheriver-side，hiredexpresslyforthepurpose。Mr。andMrs。Leaverwereofthecompany；anditwasourfortunetohaveaseatinthesameboat，whichwasaneight-oaredgalley，mannedbyamateurs，withabluestripedawningofthesamepatternastheirGuernseyshirts，andadingyredflagofthesameshadeasthewhiskersofthestrokeoar。
Acoxswainbeingappointed，andallothermattersadjusted，theeightgentlementhrewthemselvesintostrongparoxysms，andpulledupwiththetide，stimulatedbythecompassionateremarksoftheladies，whooneandallexclaimed，thatitseemedanimmenseexertion-asindeeditdid。Atfirstweracedtheotherboat，whichcamealongsideingallantstyle；butthisbeingfoundanunpleasantamusement，asgivingrisetoagreatquantityofsplashing，andrenderingthecoldpiesandotherviandsverymoist，itwasunanimouslyvoteddown，andweweresufferedtoshoota-
head，whilethesecondboatfollowedingloriouslyinourwake。
ItwasatthistimethatwefirstrecognisedMr。Leaver。Thereweretwofiremen-watermenintheboat，lyingbyuntilsomebodywasexhausted；andoneofthem，whohadtakenuponhimselfthedirectionofaffairs，washeardtocryinagruffvoice，’Pullaway，numbertwo-giveither，numbertwo-takealongerreach，numbertwo-now，numbertwo，sir，thinkyou’rewinningaboat。’
ThegreaterpartofthecompanyhadnodoubtbeguntowonderwhichofthestripedGuernseysitmightbethatstoodinneedofsuchencouragement，whenastifledshriekfromMrs。Leaverconfirmedthedoubtfulandinformedtheignorant；andMr。Leaver，stillfurtherdisguisedinastrawhatandnoneckcloth，wasobservedtobeinafearfulperspiration，andfailingvisibly。Norwasthegeneralconsternationdiminishedatthisinstantbythesamegentleman（intheperformanceofanaccidentalaquaticfeat，termed’catchingacrab’）plungingsuddenlybackward，anddisplayingnothingofhimselftothecompany，buttwoviolentlystrugglinglegs。Mrs。
Leavershriekedagainseveraltimes，andcriedpiteously-’Ishedead？Tellmetheworst。Ishedead？’
Now，amoment’sreflectionmighthaveconvincedthelovingwife，thatunlessherhusbandwereendowedwithsomemostsurprisingpowersofmuscularaction，henevercouldbedeadwhilehekickedsohard；butstillMrs。Leavercried，’Ishedead？ishedead？’andstilleverybodyelsecried-’No，no，no，’untilsuchtimeasMr。
Leaverwasreplacedinasittingposture，andhisoar（whichhadbeengoingthroughallkindsofwrong-headedperformancesonitsownaccount）wasoncemoreputinhishand，bytheexertionsofthetwofiremen-watermen。Mr。Leaverthenexclaimed，’Augustus，mychild，cometome；’andMr。Leaversaid，’Augusta，mylove，composeyourself，Iamnotinjured。’ButMrs。Leavercriedagainmorepiteouslythanbefore，’Augustus，mychild，cometome；’andnowthecompanygenerally，whoseemedtobeapprehensivethatifMr。
Leaverremainedwherehewas，hemightcontributemorethanhispropersharetowardsthedrowningoftheparty，disinterestedlytookpartwithMrs。Leaver，andsaidhereallyoughttogo，andthathewasnotstrongenoughforsuchviolentexercise，andoughtnevertohaveundertakenit。Reluctantly，Mr。Leaverwent，andlaidhimselfdownatMrs。Leaver’sfeet，andMrs。Leaverstoopingoverhim，said，’OhAugustus，howcouldyouterrifymeso？’andMr。
Leaversaid，’Augusta，mysweet，Inevermeanttoterrifyyou；’andMrs。Leaversaid，’Youarefaint，mydear；’andMr。Leaversaid，’I
amratherso，mylove；’andtheywereverylovingindeedunderMrs。
Leaver’sveil，untilatlengthMr。Leavercameforthagain，andpleasantlyaskedifhehadnotheardsomethingsaidaboutbottledstoutandsandwiches。
Mrs。Starling，whowasoneoftheparty，wasperfectlydelightedwiththisscene，andfrequentlymurmuredhalf-aside，’Whatalovingcoupleyouare！’or’Howdelightfulitistoseemanandwifesohappytogether！’Tousshewasquitepoetical，（forweareakindofcousins，）observingthatheartsbeatinginunisonlikethatmadelifeaparadiseofsweets；andthatwhenkindredcreaturesweredrawntogetherbysympathiessofineanddelicate，whatmorethanmortalhappinessdidnotoursoulspartake！Toallthisweanswered’Certainly，’or’Verytrue，’ormerelysighed，asthecasemightbe。Ateverynewactofthelovingcouple，thewidow’sadmirationbrokeoutafresh；andwhenMrs。LeaverwouldnotpermitMr。Leavertokeephishatoff，lestthesunshouldstriketohishead，andgivehimabrainfever，Mrs。Starlingactuallyshedtears，andsaiditremindedherofAdamandEve。
ThelovingcouplewerethuslovingallthewaytoTwickenham，butwhenwearrivedthere（bywhichtimetheamateurcrewlookedverythirstyandvicious）theyweremoreplayfulthanever，forMrs。
LeaverthrewstonesatMr。Leaver，andMr。LeaverranafterMrs。
Leaveronthegrass，inamostinnocentandenchantingmanner。Atdinner，too，Mr。LeaverWOULDstealMrs。Leaver’stongue，andMrs。
LeaverWOULDretaliateuponMr。Leaver’sfowl；andwhenMrs。Leaverwasgoingtotakesomelobstersalad，Mr。Leaverwouldn’tletherhaveany，sayingthatitmadeherill，andshewasalwayssorryforitafterwards，whichaffordedMrs。Leaveranopportunityofpretendingtobecross，andshowingmanyotherprettinesses。Butthiswasmerelythesmilingsurfaceoftheirloves，notthemightydepthsofthestream，downtowhichthecompany，tosaythetruth，divedratherunexpectedly，fromthefollowingaccident。ItchancedthatMr。Leavertookuponhimselftoproposethebachelorswhohadfirstoriginatedthenotionofthatentertainment，indoingwhich，heaffectedtoregretthathewasnolongeroftheirbodyhimself，andpretendedgrievouslytolamenthisfallenstate。ThisMrs。
Leaver’sfeelingscouldnotbrook，eveninjest，andconsequently，exclaimingaloud，’Helovesmenot，helovesmenot！’shefellinaverypitiablestateintothearmsofMrs。Starling，and，directlybecominginsensible，wasconveyedbythatladyandherhusbandintoanotherroom。PresentlyMr。Leavercamerunningbacktoknowiftherewasamedicalgentlemanincompany，andastherewas，（inwhatcompanyistherenot？）bothMr。Leaverandthemedicalgentlemanhurriedawaytogether。
Themedicalgentlemanwasthefirstwhoreturned，andamonghisintimatefriendshewasobservedtolaughandwink，andlookasunmedicalasmightbe；butwhenMr。Leavercamebackhewasverysolemn，andinanswertoallinquiries，shookhishead，andremarkedthatAugustawasfartoosensitivetobetrifledwith-anopinionwhichthewidowsubsequentlyconfirmed。Findingthatshewasinnoimminentperil，however，therestofthepartybetookthemselvestodancingonthegreen，andverymerryandhappytheywere，andavastquantityofflirtationtherewas；thelastcircumstancebeingnodoubtattributable，partlytothefinenessoftheweather，andpartlytothelocality，whichiswellknowntobefavourabletoallharmlessrecreations。
Inthebustleofthescene，Mr。andMrs。Leaverstoledowntotheboat，anddisposedthemselvesundertheawning，Mrs。LeaverrecliningherheaduponMr。Leaver’sshoulder，andMr。Leavergraspingherhandwithgreatfervour，andlookinginherfacefromtimetotimewithamelancholyandsympatheticaspect。Thewidowsatapart，feigningtobeoccupiedwithabook，butstealthilyobservingthemfrombehindherfan；andthetwofiremen-watermen，smokingtheirpipesonthebankhardby，nudgedeachother，andgrinnedinenjoymentofthejoke。Veryfewofthepartymissedthelovingcouple；andthefewwhodid，heartilycongratulatedeachotherontheirdisappearance。
THECONTRADICTORYCOUPLE
Onewouldsupposethattwopeoplewhoaretopasstheirwholelivestogether，andmustnecessarilybeveryoftenalonewitheachother，couldfindlittlepleasureinmutualcontradiction；andyetwhatismorecommonthanacontradictorycouple？
Thecontradictorycoupleagreeinnothingbutcontradiction。TheyreturnhomefromMrs。Bluebottle’sdinner-party，eachinanoppositecornerofthecoach，anddonotexchangeasyllableuntiltheyhavebeenseatedforatleasttwentyminutesbythefiresideathome，whenthegentleman，raisinghiseyesfromthestove，allatoncebreakssilence：
’Whataveryextraordinarythingitis，’sayshe，’thatyouWILL
contradict，Charlotte！’’Icontradict！’criesthelady，’butthat’sjustlikeyou。’’What’slikeme？’saysthegentlemansharply。’SayingthatIcontradictyou，’repliesthelady。’DoyoumeantosaythatyoudoNOTcontradictme？’retortsthegentleman；’doyoumeantosaythatyouhavenotbeencontradictingmethewholeofthisday？’’Doyoumeantotellmenow，thatyouhavenot？Imeantotellyounothingofthekind，’repliestheladyquietly；’whenyouarewrong，ofcourseIshallcontradictyou。’
Duringthisdialoguethegentlemanhasbeentakinghisbrandy-and-
waterononesideofthefire，andthelady，withherdressing-caseonthetable，hasbeencurlingherhairontheother。Shenowletsdownherbackhair，andproceedstobrushit；preservingatthesametimeanairofconsciousrectitudeandsufferingvirtue，whichisintendedtoexasperatethegentleman-anddoesso。
’Idobelieve，’hesays，takingthespoonoutofhisglass，andtossingitonthetable，’thatofalltheobstinate，positive，wrong-headedcreaturesthatwereeverborn，youarethemostso，Charlotte。’’Certainly，certainly，haveityourownway，pray。
YouseehowmuchIcontradictyou，’rejoinsthelady。’Ofcourse，youdidn’tcontradictmeatdinner-time-ohno，notyou！’saysthegentleman。’Yes，Idid，’saysthelady。’Oh，youdid，’criesthegentleman’youadmitthat？’’Ifyoucallthatcontradiction，I
do，’theladyanswers；’andIsayagain，Edward，thatwhenIknowyouarewrong，Iwillcontradictyou。Iamnotyourslave。’’Notmyslave！’repeatsthegentlemanbitterly；’andyoustillmeantosaythatintheBlackburns’newhousetherearenotmorethanfourteendoors，includingthedoorofthewine-cellar！’’Imeantosay，’retortsthelady，beatingtimewithherhair-brushonthepalmofherhand，’thatinthathousetherearefourteendoorsandnomore。’’Wellthen-’criesthegentleman，risingindespair，andpacingtheroomwithrapidstrides。’ByG-，thisisenoughtodestroyaman’sintellect，anddrivehimmad！’
Byandbythegentlemancomes-toalittle，andpassinghishandgloomilyacrosshisforehead，reseatshimselfinhisformerchair。
Thereisalongsilence，andthistimetheladybegins。’I
appealedtoMr。Jenkins，whosatnexttomeonthesofainthedrawing-roomduringtea-’’Morgan，youmean，’interruptsthegentleman。’Idonotmeananythingofthekind，’answersthelady。
’Now，byallthatisaggravatingandimpossibletobear，’criesthegentleman，clenchinghishandsandlookingupwardsinagony，’sheisgoingtoinsistuponitthatMorganisJenkins！’’Doyoutakemeforaperfectfool？’exclaimsthelady；’doyousupposeIdon’tknowtheonefromtheother？DoyousupposeIdon’tknowthatthemaninthebluecoatwasMr。Jenkins？’’Jenkinsinabluecoat！’
criesthegentlemanwithagroan；’Jenkinsinabluecoat！amanwhowouldsufferdeathratherthanwearanythingbutbrown！’’Doyoudaretochargemewithtellinganuntruth？’demandsthelady，burstingintotears。’Ichargeyou，ma’am，’retortsthegentleman，startingup，’withbeingamonsterofcontradiction，amonsterofaggravation，a-a-a-Jenkinsinabluecoat！-whathaveIdonethatIshouldbedoomedtohearsuchstatements！’
Expressinghimselfwithgreatscornandanguish，thegentlemantakesuphiscandleandstalksofftobed，wherefeigningtobefastasleepwhentheladycomesup-stairsdrownedintears，murmuringlamentationsoverherhardfateandindistinctintentionsofconsultingherbrothers，heundergoesthesecrettortureofhearingherexclaimbetweenwhiles，’Iknowthereareonlyfourteendoorsinthehouse，IknowitwasMr。Jenkins，Iknowhehadabluecoaton，andIwouldsayitaspositivelyasIdonow，iftheywerethelastwordsIhadtospeak！’
Ifthecontradictorycoupleareblessedwithchildren，theyarenotthelesscontradictoryonthataccount。MasterJamesandMissCharlottepresentthemselvesafterdinner，andbeinginperfectgoodhumour，andfindingtheirparentsinthesameamiablestate，augurfromtheseappearanceshalfaglassofwinea-pieceandotherextraordinaryindulgences。ButunfortunatelyMasterJames，growingtalkativeuponsuchprospects，askshismammahowtallMrs。Parsonsis，andwhethersheisnotsixfeethigh；towhichhismammareplies，’Yes，sheshouldthinkshewas，forMrs。Parsonsisaverytallladyindeed；quiteagiantess。’’ForHeaven’ssake，Charlotte，’criesherhusband，’donottellthechildsuchpreposterousnonsense。Sixfeethigh！’’Well，’repliesthelady，’surelyImaybepermittedtohaveanopinion；myopinionis，thatsheissixfeethigh-atleastsixfeet。’’Nowyouknow，Charlotte，’retortsthegentlemansternly，’thatthatisNOTyouropinion-thatyouhavenosuchidea-andthatyouonlysaythisforthesakeofcontradiction。’’Youareexceedinglypolite，’hiswifereplies；’tobewrongaboutsuchapaltryquestionasanybody’sheight，wouldbenogreatcrime；butIsayagain，thatI
believeMrs。Parsonstobesixfeet-morethansixfeet；nay，I
believeyouknowhertobefullsixfeet，andonlysaysheisnot，becauseIsaysheis。’Thistauntdisposesthegentlemantobecomeviolent，buthecheekshimself，andiscontenttomutter，inahaughtytone，’Sixfeet-ha！ha！Mrs。Parsonssixfeet！’andtheladyanswers，’Yes，sixfeet。IamsureIamgladyouareamused，andI’llsayitagain-sixfeet。’Thusthesubjectgraduallydropsoff，andthecontradictionbeginstobeforgotten，whenMasterJames，withsomeundefinednotionofmakinghimselfagreeable，andputtingthingstorightsagain，unfortunatelyaskshismammawhatthemoon’smadeof；whichgivesheroccasiontosaythathehadbetternotaskher，forsheisalwayswrongandnevercanberight；thatheonlyexposeshertocontradictionbyaskinganyquestionofher；andthathehadbetteraskhispapa，whoisinfallible，andnevercanbewrong。Papa，smartingunderthisattack，givesaterriblepullatthebell，andsays，thatiftheconversationistoproceedinthisway，thechildrenhadbetterberemoved。Removedtheyare，afterafewtearsandmanystruggles；
andPahavinglookedatMasidewaysforaminuteortwo，withabalefuleye，drawshispocket-handkerchiefoverhisface，andcomposeshimselfforhisafter-dinnernap。
Thefriendsofthecontradictorycoupleoftendeploretheirfrequentdisputes，thoughtheyrathermakelightofthematthesametime：observing，thatthereisnodoubttheyareverymuchattachedtoeachother，andthattheyneverquarrelexceptabouttrifles。Butneitherthefriendsofthecontradictorycouple，northecontradictorycouplethemselves，reflect，thatasthemoststupendousobjectsinnaturearebutvastcollectionsofminuteparticles，sotheslightestandleastconsideredtriflesmakeupthesumofhumanhappinessormisery。
THECOUPLEWHODOTEUPONTHEIRCHILDREN
Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenhaveusuallyagreatmanyofthem：sixoreightatleast。Thechildrenareeitherthehealthiestinalltheworld，orthemostunfortunateinexistence。
Ineithercase，theyareequallythethemeoftheirdotingparents，andequallyasourceofmentalanguishandirritationtotheirdotingparents’friends。
Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenrecognisenodatesbutthoseconnectedwiththeirbirths，accidents，illnesses，orremarkabledeeds。TheykeepamentalalmanackwithavastnumberofInnocents’-days，allinredletters。Theyrecollectthelastcoronation，becauseonthatdaylittleTomfelldownthekitchenstairs；theanniversaryoftheGunpowderPlot，becauseitwasonthefifthofNovemberthatNedaskedwhetherwoodenlegsweremadeinheavenandcockedhatsgrewingardens。Mrs。Whifflerwillneverceasetorecollectthelastdayoftheoldyearaslongasshelives，foritwasonthatdaythatthebabyhadthefourredspotsonitsnosewhichtheytookformeasles：norChristmas-day，fortwenty-onedaysafterChristmas-daythetwinswereborn；norGoodFriday，foritwasonaGoodFridaythatshewasfrightenedbythedonkey-cartwhenshewasinthefamilywaywithGeorgiana。ThemovablefeastshavenomotionforMr。andMrs。Whiffler，butremainpinneddowntightandfasttotheshouldersofsomesmallchild，fromwhomtheycanneverbeseparatedanymore。Timewasmade，accordingtotheircreed，notforslavesbutforgirlsandboys；
therestlesssandsinhisglassarebutlittlechildrenatplay。
Aswehavealreadyintimated，thechildrenofthiscouplecanknownomedium。Theyareeitherprodigiesofgoodhealthorprodigiesofbadhealth；whatevertheyare，theymustbeprodigies。Mr。
Whifflermusthavetodescribeathisofficesuchexcruciatingagoniesconstantlyundergonebyhiseldestboy，asnobodyelse’seldestboyeverunderwent；orhemustbeabletodeclarethatthereneverwasachildendowedwithsuchamazinghealth，suchanindomitableconstitution，andsuchacast-ironframe，ashischild。
Hischildrenmustbe，insomerespectorother，aboveandbeyondthechildrenofallotherpeople。Tosuchanextentisthisfeelingpushed，thatwewereonceslightlyacquaintedwithaladyandgentlemanwhocarriedtheirheadssohighandbecamesoproudaftertheiryoungestchildfelloutofatwo-pair-of-stairswindowwithouthurtinghimselfmuch，thatthegreaterpartoftheirfriendswereobligedtoforegotheiracquaintance。Butperhapsthismaybeanextremecase，andonenotjustlyentitledtobeconsideredasaprecedentofgeneralapplication。
Ifafriendhappentodineinafriendlywaywithoneofthesecoupleswhodoteupontheirchildren，itisnearlyimpossibleforhimtodiverttheconversationfromtheirfavouritetopic。
EverythingremindsMr。WhifflerofNed，orMrs。WhifflerofMaryAnne，orofthetimebeforeNedwasborn，orthetimebeforeMaryAnnewasthoughtof。Theslightestremark，howeverharmlessinitself，willawakenslumberingrecollectionsofthetwins。Itisimpossibletosteerclearofthem。Theywillcomeuppermost，letthepoormandowhathemay。Nedhasbeenknowntobelostsightofforhalfanhour，Dickhasbeenforgotten，thenameofMaryAnnehasnotbeenmentioned，butthetwinswillout。Nothingcankeepdownthetwins。
’It’saveryextraordinarything，Saunders，’saysMr。Whifflertothevisitor，’but-youhaveseenourlittlebabies，the-the-
twins？’Thefriend’sheartsinkswithinhimasheanswers，’Oh，yes-often。’’YourtalkingofthePyramids，’saysMr。Whiffler，quiteasamatterofcourse，’remindsmeofthetwins。It’saveryextraordinarythingaboutthosebabies-whatcolourshouldyousaytheireyeswere？’’Uponmyword，’thefriendstammers，’Ihardlyknowhowtoanswer’-thefactbeing，thatexceptasthefrienddoesnotremembertohaveheardofanydeparturefromtheordinarycourseofnatureintheinstanceofthesetwins，theymighthavenoeyesatallforaughthehasobservedtothecontrary。’Youwouldn’tsaytheywerered，Isuppose？’saysMr。Whiffler。Thefriendhesitates，andratherthinkstheyare；butinferringfromtheexpressionofMr。Whiffler’sfacethatredisnotthecolour，smileswithsomeconfidence，andsays，’No，no！verydifferentfromthat。’’Whatshouldyousaytoblue？’saysMr。Whiffler。Thefriendglancesathim，andobservingadifferentexpressioninhisface，venturestosay，’IshouldsaytheyWEREblue-adecidedblue。’’Tobesure！’criesMr。Whiffler，triumphantly，’Iknewyouwould！ButwhatshouldyousayifIwastotellyouthattheboy’seyesareblueandthegirl’shazel，eh？’’Impossible！’exclaimsthefriend，notatallknowingwhyitshouldbeimpossible。’A
fact，notwithstanding，’criesMr。Whiffler；’andletmetellyou，Saunders，THAT’Snotacommonthingintwins，oracircumstancethat’llhappeneveryday。’
InthisdialogueMrs。Whiffler，asbeingdeeplyresponsibleforthetwins，theircharmsandsingularities，hastakennoshare；butshenowrelates，inbrokenEnglish，awitticismoflittleDick’sbearinguponthesubjectjustdiscussed，whichdelightsMr。
Whifflerbeyondmeasure，andcauseshimtodeclarethathewouldhaveswornthatwasDick’sifhehadhearditanywhere。ThenherequeststhatMrs。WhifflerwilltellSaunderswhatTomsaidaboutmadbulls；andMrs。Whifflerrelatingtheanecdote，adiscussionensuesuponthedifferentcharacterofTom’switandDick’swit，fromwhichitappearsthatDick’shumourisofalivelyturn，whileTom’sstyleisthedryandcaustic。Thisdiscussionbeingenlivenedbyvariousillustrations，lastsalongtime，andisonlystoppedbyMrs。Whifflerinstructingthefootmantoringthenurserybell，asthechildrenwerepromisedthattheyshouldcomedownandtastethepudding。
Thefriendturnspalewhenthisorderisgiven，andpalerstillwhenitisfollowedupbyagreatpatteringonthestaircase，（notunlikethesoundofrainuponaskylight，）aviolentburstingopenofthedining-roomdoor，andthetumultuousappearanceofsixsmallchildren，closelysucceededbyastrongnursery-maidwithatwinineacharm。Asthewholeeightarescreaming，shouting，orkicking-
someinfluencedbyaravenousappetite，somebyahorrorofthestranger，andsomebyaconflictofthetwofeelings-aprettylongspaceelapsesbeforealltheirheadscanberangedroundthetableandanythinglikeorderrestored；inbringingaboutwhichhappystateofthingsboththenurseandfootmanareseverelyscratched。AtlengthMrs。Whifflerisheardtosay，’Mr。Saunders，shallIgiveyousomepudding？’Abreathlesssilenceensues，andsixteensmalleyesarefixedupontheguestinexpectationofhisreply。Awildshoutofjoyproclaimsthathehassaid’No，thankyou。’Spoonsarewavedintheair，legsappearabovethetable-
clothinuncontrollableecstasy，andeightyshortfingersdabbleindamsonsyrup。
Whilethepuddingisbeingdisposedof，Mr。andMrs。Whifflerlookonwithbeamingcountenances，andMr。WhifflernudginghisfriendSaunders，begshimtotakenoticeofTom’seyes，orDick’schin，orNed’snose，orMaryAnne’shair，orEmily’sfigure，orlittleBob’scalves，orFanny’smouth，orCarry’shead，asthecasemaybe。
WhatevertheattentionofMr。Saundersiscalledto，Mr。Saundersadmiresofcourse；thoughheisratherconfusedaboutthesexoftheyoungestbranchesandlooksatthewrongchildren，turningtoagirlwhenMr。Whifflerdirectshisattentiontoaboy，andfallingintoraptureswithaboywhenheoughttobeenchantedwithagirl。
Thenthedessertcomes，andthereisavastdealofscramblingafterfruit，andsuddenspirtingforthofjuiceoutoftightorangesintoinfanteyes，andmuchscreechingandwailinginconsequence。AtlengthitbecomestimeforMrs。Whifflertoretire，andallthechildrenarebyforceofarmscompelledtokissandloveMr。Saundersbeforegoingup-stairs，exceptTom，who，lyingonhisbackinthehall，proclaimsthatMr。Saunders’isanaughtybeast；’andDick，whohavingdrunkhisfather’swinewhenhewaslookinganotherway，isfoundtobeintoxicatedandiscarriedout，verylimpandhelpless。
Mr。Whifflerandhisfriendareleftalonetogether，butMr。
Whiffler’sthoughtsarestillwithhisfamily，ifhisfamilyarenotwithhim。’Saunders，’sayshe，afterashortsilence，’ifyouplease，we’lldrinkMrs。Whifflerandthechildren。’Mr。Saundersfeelsthistobeareproachagainsthimselffornotproposingthesamesentiment，anddrinksitinsomeconfusion。’Ah！’Mr。
Whifflersighs，’thesechildren，Saunders，makeonequiteanoldman。’Mr。Saundersthinksthatiftheywerehis，theywouldmakehimaveryoldman；buthesaysnothing。’Andyet，’pursuesMr。
Whiffler，’whatcanequaldomestichappiness？whatcanequaltheengagingwaysofchildren！Saunders，whydon’tyougetmarried？’
Now，thisisanembarrassingquestion，becauseMr。Saundershasbeenthinkingthatifhehadatanytimeentertainedmatrimonialdesigns，therevelationofthatdaywouldsurelyhaveroutedthemforever。’Iamglad，however，’saysMr。Whiffler，’thatyouAREabachelor，-gladononeaccount，Saunders；aselfishone，Iadmit。
WillyoudoMrs。Whifflerandmyselfafavour？’Mr。Saundersissurprised-evidentlysurprised；buthereplies，’withthegreatestpleasure。’’Then，willyou，Saunders，’saysMr。Whiffler，inanimpressivemanner，’willyoucementandconsolidateourfriendshipbycomingintothefamily（sotospeak）asagodfather？’’Ishallbeproudanddelighted，’repliesMr。Saunders：’whichofthechildrenisit？really，Ithoughttheywereallchristened；or-’
’Saunders，’Mr。Whifflerinterposes，’theyAREallchristened；youareright。Thefactis，thatMrs。Whiffleris-inshort，weexpectanother。’’Notaninth！’criesthefriend，allaghastattheidea。’Yes，Saunders，’rejoinsMr。Whiffler，solemnly，’aninth。DidwedrinkMrs。Whiffler’shealth？Letusdrinkitagain，Saunders，andwishherwelloverit！’
DoctorJohnsonusedtotellastoryofamanwhohadbutoneidea，whichwasawrongone。Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenareinthesamepredicament：athomeorabroad，atalltimes，andinallplaces，theirthoughtsareboundupinthisonesubject，andhavenospherebeyond。Theyrelatethecleverthingstheiroffspringsayordo，andwearyeverycompanywiththeirprolixityandabsurdity。Mr。WhifflertakesafriendbythebuttonatastreetcorneronawindydaytotellhimaBONMOTofhisyoungestboy’s；andMrs。Whiffler，callingtoseeasickacquaintance，entertainsherwithacheerfulaccountofallherownpastsufferingsandpresentexpectations。Insuchcasesthesinsofthefathersindeeddescenduponthechildren；forpeoplesooncometoregardthemaspredestinedlittlebores。Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrencannotbesaidtobeactuatedbyagenerallovefortheseengaginglittlepeople（whichwouldbeagreatexcuse）；fortheyareapttounderrateandentertainajealousyofanychildrenbuttheirown。Iftheyexaminedtheirownhearts，theywould，perhaps，findatthebottomofallthis，moreself-loveandegotismthantheythinkof。Self-loveandegotismarebadqualities，ofwhichtheunrestrainedexhibition，thoughitmaybesometimesamusing，neverfailstobewearisomeandunpleasant。Coupleswhodoteupontheirchildren，therefore，arebestavoided。
THECOOLCOUPLE
Thereisanold-fashionedweather-glassrepresentingahousewithtwodoorways，inoneofwhichisthefigureofagentleman，intheotherthefigureofalady。Whentheweatheristobefinetheladycomesoutandthegentlemangoesin；whenwet，thegentlemancomesoutandtheladygoesin。Theyneverseekeachother’ssociety，areneverelevatedanddepressedbythesamecause，andhavenothingincommon。Theyarethemodelofacoolcouple，exceptthatthereissomethingofpolitenessandconsiderationaboutthebehaviourofthegentlemanintheweather-glass，inwhich，neitherofthecoolcouplecanbesaidtoparticipate。
Thecoolcoupleareseldomalonetogether，andwhentheyare，nothingcanexceedtheirapathyanddulness：thegentlemanbeingforthemostpartdrowsy，andtheladysilent。Iftheyenterintoconversation，itisusuallyofanironicalorrecriminatorynature。
Thus，whenthegentlemanhasindulgedinaverylongyawnandsettledhimselfmoresnuglyinhiseasy-chair，theladywillperhapsremark，’Well，Iamsure，Charles！Ihopeyou’recomfortable。’Towhichthegentlemanreplies，’Ohyes，he’squitecomfortablequite。’’Therearenotmanymarriedmen，Ihope，’
returnsthelady，’whoseekcomfortinsuchselfishgratificationsasyoudo。’’NormanywiveswhoseekcomfortinsuchselfishgratificationsasYOUdo，Ihope，’retortsthegentleman。’Whosefaultisthat？’demandsthelady。Thegentlemanbecomingmoresleepy，returnsnoanswer。’Whosefaultisthat？’theladyrepeats。Thegentlemanstillreturningnoanswer，shegoesontosaythatshebelievesthereneverwasinallthisworldanybodysoattachedtoherhome，sothoroughlydomestic，sounwillingtoseekamoment’sgratificationorpleasurebeyondherownfiresideasshe。Godknowsthatbeforeshewasmarriedsheneverthoughtordreamtofsuchathing；andsheremembersthatherpoorpapausedtosayagainandagain，almosteverydayofhislife，’Oh，mydearLouisa，ifyouonlymarryamanwhounderstandsyou，andtakesthetroubletoconsideryourhappinessandaccommodatehimselfaverylittletoyourdisposition，whatatreasurehewillfindinyou！’