Shesupposesherpapaknewwhatherdispositionwas-hehadknownherlongenough-heoughttohavebeenacquaintedwithit，butwhatcanshedo？Ifherhomeisalwaysdullandlonely，andherhusbandisalwaysabsentandfindsnopleasureinhersociety，sheisnaturallysometimesdriven（seldomenough，sheissure）toseekalittlerecreationelsewhere；sheisnotexpectedtopineandmopetodeath，shehopes。’Thencome，Louisa，’saysthegentleman，wakingupassuddenlyashefellasleep，’stopathomethisevening，andsowillI。’’Ishouldbesorrytosuppose，Charles，thatyoutookapleasureinaggravatingme，’repliesthelady；’butyouknowaswellasIdothatIamparticularlyengagedtoMrs。
Mortimer，andthatitwouldbeanactofthegrossestrudenessandill-breeding，afteracceptingaseatinherboxandpreventingherfrominvitinganybodyelse，nottogo。’’Ah！thereitis！’saysthegentleman，shrugginghisshoulders，’Iknewthatperfectlywell。Iknewyoucouldn’tdevoteaneveningtoyourownhome。NowallIhavetosay，Louisa，isthis-recollectthatIwasquitewillingtostayathome，andthatit’snofaultofMINEwearenotoftenertogether。’
Withthatthegentlemangoesawaytokeepanoldappointmentathisclub，andtheladyhurriesofftodressforMrs。Mortimer’s；andneitherthinksoftheotheruntilbysomeoddchancetheyfindthemselvesaloneagain。
Butitmustnotbesupposedthatthecoolcouplearehabituallyaquarrelsomeone。Quitethecontrary。Thesedifferencesareonlyoccasionsforalittleself-excuse，-nothingmore。Ingeneraltheyareaseasyandcareless，anddisputeasseldom，asanycommonacquaintancesmay；foritisneitherworththeirwhiletoputeachotheroutoftheway，nortorufflethemselves。
Whentheymeetinsociety，thecoolcouplearethebest-bredpeopleinexistence。Theladyisseatedinacorneramongalittleknotofladyfriends，oneofwhomexclaims，’Why，Ivowanddeclarethereisyourhusband，mydear！’’Whose？-mine？’shesays，carelessly。’Ay，yours，andcomingthiswaytoo。’’Howveryodd！’
saysthelady，inalanguidtone，’IthoughthehadbeenatDover。’
Thegentlemancomingup，andspeakingtoalltheotherladiesandnoddingslightlytohiswife，itturnsoutthathehasbeenatDover，andhasjustnowreturned。’Whatastrangecreatureyouare！’crieshiswife；’andwhatonearthbroughtyouhere，I
wonder？’’Icametolookafteryou，OFCOURSE，’rejoinsherhusband。Thisissopleasantajestthattheladyismightilyamused，asarealltheotherladiessimilarlysituatedwhoarewithinhearing；andwhiletheyareenjoyingittothefull，thegentlemannodsagain，turnsuponhisheel，andsauntersaway。
Therearetimes，however，whenhiscompanyisnotsoagreeable，thoughequallyunexpected；suchaswhentheladyhasinvitedoneortwoparticularfriendstoteaandscandal，andhehappenstocomehomeintheverymidstoftheirdiversion。Itisahundredchancestoonethatheremainsinthehousehalfanhour，buttheladyisratherdisturbedbytheintrusion，notwithstanding，andreasonswithinherself，-’IamsureIneverinterferewithhim，andwhyshouldheinterferewithme？Itcanscarcelybeaccidental；itneverhappensthatIhaveaparticularreasonfornotwishinghimtocomehome，buthealwayscomes。It’sveryprovokingandtiresome；andIamsurewhenheleavesmesomuchaloneforhisownpleasure，theleasthecoulddowouldbetodoasmuchformine。’
Observingwhatpassesinhermind，thegentleman，whohascomehomeforhisownaccommodation，makesameritofitwithhimself；
arrivesattheconclusionthatitistheverylastplaceinwhichhecanhopetobecomfortable；anddetermines，ashetakesuphishatandcane，nevertobesovirtuousagain。
Thusagreatmanycoolcouplesgoonuntiltheyarecoldcouples，andthegravehasclosedovertheirfollyandindifference。Lossofname，station，character，lifeitself，hasensuedfromcausesasslightasthese，beforenow；andwhengossipstellsuchtales，andaggravatetheirdeformities，theyelevatetheirhandsandeyebrows，andcalleachothertowitnesswhatacoolcoupleMr。andMrs。So-
and-soalwayswere，eveninthebestoftimes。
THEPLAUSIBLECOUPLE
Theplausiblecouplehavemanytitles。Theyare’adelightfulcouple，’an’affectionatecouple，’’amostagreeablecouple，’agood-heartedcouple，’and’thebest-naturedcoupleinexistence。’
Thetruthis，thattheplausiblecouplearepeopleoftheworld；
andeitherthewayofpleasingtheworldhasgrownmucheasierthanitwasinthedaysoftheoldmanandhisass，ortheoldmanwasbutabadhandatit，andknewverylittleofthetrade。
’Butisitreallypossibletopleasetheworld！’sayssomedoubtingreader。Itisindeed。Nay，itisnotonlyverypossible，butveryeasy。Thewaysarecrooked，andsometimesfoulandlow。Whatthen？Amanneedbutcrawluponhishandsandknees，knowwhentoclosehiseyesandwhenhisears，whentostoopandwhentostandupright；andifbytheworldismeantthatatomofitinwhichhemoveshimself，heshallpleaseit，neverfear。
Now，itwillbereadilyseen，thatifaplausiblemanorwomanhaveaneasymeansofpleasingtheworldbyanadaptationofselftoallitstwistingsandtwinings，aplausiblemanANDwoman，or，inotherwords，aplausiblecouple，playingintoeachother’shands，andactinginconcert，haveamanifestadvantage。Henceitisthatplausiblecouplesscarcelyeverfailofsuccessonaprettylargescale；andhenceitisthatifthereader，layingdownthisunwieldyvolumeatthenextfullstop，willhavethegoodnesstoreviewhisorhercircleofacquaintance，andtosearchparticularlyforsomemanandwifewithalargeconnexionandagoodname，noteasilyreferabletotheirabilitiesortheirwealth，heorshe（thatis，themaleorfemalereader）willcertainlyfindthatgentlemanorlady，onaveryshortreflection，tobeaplausiblecouple。
Theplausiblecouplearethemostecstaticpeopleliving：themostsensitivepeople-tomerit-onthefaceoftheearth。Nothingcleverorvirtuousescapesthem。Theyhavemicroscopiceyesforsuchendowments，andcanfindthemanywhere。Theplausiblecoupleneverfawn-ohno！Theydon’tevenscrupletotelltheirfriendsoftheirfaults。Oneistoogenerous，anothertoocandid；athirdhasatendencytothinkallpeoplelikehimself，andtoregardmankindasacompanyofangels；afourthiskind-heartedtoafault。’Weneverflatter，mydearMrs。Jackson，’saytheplausiblecouple；’wespeakourminds。NeitheryounorMr。Jacksonhavefaultsenough。Itmaysoundstrangely，butitistrue。Youhavenotfaultsenough。Youknowourway，-wemustspeakout，andalwaysdo。Quarrelwithusforsayingso，ifyouwill；butwerepeatit，-youhavenotfaultsenough！’
Theplausiblecouplearenolessplausibletoeachotherthantothirdparties。Theyarealwayslovingandharmonious。Theplausiblegentlemancallshiswife’darling，’andtheplausibleladyaddresseshimas’dearest。’IfitbeMr。andMrs。BobtailWidger，Mrs。Widgeris’Lavinia，darling，’andMr。Widgeris’Bobtail，dearest。’Speakingofeachother，theyobservethesametenderform。Mrs。Widgerrelateswhat’Bobtail’said，andMr。
Widgerrecountswhat’darling’thoughtanddid。
Ifyousitnexttotheplausibleladyatadinner-table，shetakestheearliestopportunityofexpressingherbeliefthatyouareacquaintedwiththeClickits；sheissureshehasheardtheClickitsspeakofyou-shemustnottellyouinwhatterms，oryouwilltakeherforaflatterer。YouadmitaknowledgeoftheClickits；theplausibleladyimmediatelylaunchesoutintheirpraise。ShequitelovestheClickits。Werethereeversuchtrue-
hearted，hospitable，excellentpeople-suchagentle，interestinglittlewomanasMrs。Clickit，orsuchafrank，unaffectedcreatureasMr。Clickit？werethereevertwopeople，inshort，solittlespoiledbytheworldastheyare？’Aswho，darling？’criesMr。
Widger，fromtheoppositesideofthetable。’TheClickits，dearest，’repliesMrs。Widger。’Indeedyouareright，darling，’
Mr。Widgerrejoins；’theClickitsareaveryhigh-minded，worthy，estimablecouple。’Mrs。WidgerremarkingthatBobtailalwaysgrowsquiteeloquentuponthissubject，Mr。WidgeradmitsthathefeelsverystronglywheneversuchpeopleastheClickitsandsomeotherfriendsofhis（hereheglancesatthehostandhostess）arementioned；fortheyareanhonourtohumannature，anddoonegoodtothinkof。’YOUknowtheClickits，Mrs。Jackson？’hesays，addressingtheladyofthehouse。’No，indeed；wehavenotthatpleasure，’shereplies。’Youastonishme！’exclaimsMr。Widger：
’notknowtheClickits！why，youaretheverypeopleofallotherswhooughttobetheirbosomfriends。Youarekindredbeings；youareoneandthesamething：-notknowtheClickits！NowWILLyouknowtheClickits？Willyoumakeapointofknowingthem？Willyoumeettheminafriendlywayatourhouseoneevening，andbeacquaintedwiththem？’Mrs。Jacksonwillbequitedelighted；
nothingwouldgivehermorepleasure。’Then，Lavinia，mydarling，’
saysMr。Widger，’mindyoudon’tlosesightofthat；now，praytakecarethatMr。andMrs。JacksonknowtheClickitswithoutlossoftime。Suchpeopleoughtnottobestrangerstoeachother。’Mrs。
Widgerbooksbothfamiliesasthecentreofattractionforhernextparty；andMr。Widger，goingontoexpatiateuponthevirtuesoftheClickits，addstotheirothermoralqualities，thattheykeeponeoftheneatestphaetonsintown，andhavetwothousandayear。
Astheplausiblecoupleneverlaudthemeritsofanyabsentperson，withoutdexterouslycontrivingthattheirpraisesshallreflectuponsomebodywhoispresent，sotheyneverdepreciateanythingoranybody，withoutturningtheirdepreciationtothesameaccount。
Theirfriend，Mr。Slummery，saythey，isunquestionablyacleverpainter，andwouldnodoubtbeverypopular，andsellhispicturesataveryhighprice，ifthatcruelMr。Fithershadnotforestalledhiminhisdepartmentofart，andmadeitthoroughlyandcompletelyhisown；-Fithers，itistobeobserved，beingpresentandwithinhearing，andSlummeryelsewhere。IsMrs。Tabblewickreallyasbeautifulaspeoplesay？Why，thereindeedyouaskthemaverypuzzlingquestion，becausethereisnodoubtthatsheisaverycharmingwoman，andtheyhavelongknownherintimately。Sheisnodoubtbeautiful，verybeautiful；theyoncethoughtherthemostbeautifulwomaneverseen；stillifyoupressthemforanhonestanswer，theyareboundtosaythatthiswasbeforetheyhadeverseenourlovelyfriendonthesofa，（thesofaishardby，andourlovelyfriendcan’thelphearingthewhispersinwhichthisissaid；）sincethattime，perhaps，theyhavebeenhardlyfairjudges；
Mrs。Tabblewickisnodoubtextremelyhandsome，-verylikeourfriend，infact，intheformofthefeatures，-butinpointofexpression，andsoul，andfigure，andairaltogether-ohdear！
Butwhiletheplausiblecoupledepreciate，theyarestillcarefultopreservetheircharacterforamiabilityandkindfeeling；indeedthedepreciationitselfisoftenmadetogrowoutoftheirexcessivesympathyandgoodwill。Theplausibleladycallsonaladywhodotesuponherchildren，andissittingwithalittlegirluponherknee，enrapturedbyherartlessreplies，andprotestingthatthereisnothingshedelightsinsomuchasconversingwiththesefairies；whentheotherladyinquiresifshehasseenyoungMrs。Finchinglately，andwhetherthebabyhasturnedoutafineronethanitpromisedtobe。’Ohdear！’criestheplausiblelady，’youcannotthinkhowoftenBobtailandIhavetalkedaboutpoorMrs。Finching-sheissuchadearsoul，andwassoanxiousthatthebabyshouldbeafinechild-andverynaturally，becauseshewasverymuchhereatonetime，andthereis，youknow，anaturalemulationamongmothers-thatitisimpossibletotellyouhowmuchwehavefeltforher。’’Isitweakorplain，orwhat？’
inquirestheother。’Weakorplain，mylove，’returnstheplausiblelady，’it’safright-aperfectlittlefright；youneversawsuchamiserablecreatureinallyourdays。Positivelyyoumustnotletherseeoneofthesebeautifuldearsagain，oryou’llbreakherheart，youwillindeed-Heavenblessthischild，seehowsheislookinginmyface！canyouconceiveanythingprettierthanthat？IfpoorMrs。Finchingcouldonlyhope-butthat’simpossible-andthegiftsofProvidence，youknow-WhatDIDIdowithmypocket-handkerchief！’
Whatpromptsthemother，whodotesuponherchildren，tocommenttoherlordthateveningontheplausiblelady’sengagingqualitiesandfeelingheart，andwhatisitthatprocuresMr。andMrs。
BobtailWidgeranimmediateinvitationtodinner？
THENICELITTLECOUPLE
Acustomonceprevailedinold-fashionedcircles，thatwhenaladyorgentlemanwasunabletosingasong，heorsheshouldenliventhecompanywithastory。Aswefindourselfinthepredicamentofnotbeingabletodescribe（toourownsatisfaction）nicelittlecouplesintheabstract，wepurposetellinginthisplacealittlestoryaboutanicelittlecoupleofouracquaintance。
Mr。andMrs。Chirruparethenicelittlecoupleinquestion。Mr。
Chirruphasthesmartness，andsomethingofthebrisk，quickmannerofasmallbird。Mrs。Chirrupistheprettiestofalllittlewomen，andhastheprettiestlittlefigureconceivable。Shehastheneatestlittlefoot，andthesoftestlittlevoice，andthepleasantestlittlesmile，andthetidiestlittlecurls，andthebrightestlittleeyes，andthequietestlittlemanner，andis，inshort，altogetheroneofthemostengagingofalllittlewomen，deadoralive。Sheisacondensationofallthedomesticvirtues，-apocketeditionoftheyoungman’sbestcompanion，-alittlewomanataveryhighpressure，withanamazingquantityofgoodnessandusefulnessinanexceedinglysmallspace。Littleassheis，Mrs。Chirrupmightfurnishforthmatterforthemoralequipmentofascoreofhousewives，sixfeethighintheirstockings-if，inthepresenceofladies，wemaybeallowedtheexpression-andofcorrespondingrobustness。
NobodyknowsallthisbetterthanMr。Chirrup，thoughherathertakesonthathedon’t。Accordinglyheisveryproudofhisbetter-half，andevidentlyconsidershimself，asallotherpeopleconsiderhim，ratherfortunateinhavinghertowife。Wesayevidently，becauseMr。Chirrupisawarm-heartedlittlefellow；andifyoucatchhiseyewhenhehasbeenslylyglancingatMrs。
Chirrupincompany，thereisacertaincomplacenttwinkleinit，accompanied，perhaps，byahalf-expressedtossofthehead，whichasclearlyindicateswhathasbeenpassinginhismindasifhehadputitintowords，andshouteditoutthroughaspeaking-trumpet。
Moreover，Mr。Chirruphasaparticularlymildandbird-likemannerofcallingMrs。Chirrup’mydear；’and-forheisofajocoseturn-ofcuttinglittlewitticismsuponher，andmakingherthesubjectofvariousharmlesspleasantries，whichnobodyenjoysmorethoroughlythanMrs。Chirrupherself。Mr。Chirrup，too，nowandthenaffectstodeplorehisbachelor-days，andtobemoan（withamarvellouslycontentedandsmirkingface）thelossofhisfreedom，andthesorrowofhisheartathavingbeentakencaptivebyMrs。
Chirrup-allofwhichcircumstancescombinetoshowthesecrettriumphandsatisfactionofMr。Chirrup’ssoul。
WehavealreadyhadoccasiontoobservethatMrs。Chirrupisanincomparablehousewife。Inalltheartsofdomesticarrangementandmanagement，inallthemysteriesofconfectionery-making，pickling，andpreserving，neverwassuchathoroughadeptasthatnicelittlebody。Sheis，besides，acunningworkerinmuslinandfinelinen，andaspecialhandatmarketingtotheverybestadvantage。Butiftherebeonebranchofhousekeepinginwhichsheexcelstoanutterlyunparalleledandunprecedentedextent，itisintheimportantoneofcarving。Aroastgooseisuniversallyallowedtobethegreatstumbling-blockinthewayofyoungaspirantstoperfectioninthisdepartmentofscience；manypromisingcarvers，beginningwithlegsofmutton，andpreservingagoodreputationthroughfilletsofveal，sirloinsofbeef，quartersoflamb，fowls，andevenducks，havesunkbeforearoastgoose，andlostcasteandcharacterforever。ToMrs。Chirruptheresolvingagooseintoitssmallestcomponentpartsisapleasantpastime-apracticaljoke-athingtobedoneinaminuteorso，withoutthesmallestinterruptiontotheconversationofthetime。Nohandingthedishovertoanunfortunatemanuponherrightorleft，nowildsharpeningoftheknife，nohackingandsawingatanunrulyjoint，nonoise，nosplash，noheat，noleavingoffindespair；allisconfidenceandcheerfulness。Thedishissetuponthetable，thecoverisremoved；foraninstant，andonlyaninstant，youobservethatMrs。Chirrup’sattentionisdistracted；shesmiles，buthearethnot。Youproceedwithyourstory；meanwhiletheglitteringknifeisslowlyupraised，bothMrs。Chirrup’swristsareslightlybutnotungracefullyagitated，shecompressesherlipsforaninstant，thenbreaksintoasmile，andallisover。Thelegsofthebirdslidegentlydownintoapoolofgravy，thewingsseemtomeltfromthebody，thebreastseparatesintoarowofjuicyslices，thesmallerandmorecomplicatedpartsofhisanatomyareperfectlydeveloped，acavernofstuffingisrevealed，andthegooseisgone！
TodinewithMr。andMrs。Chirrupisoneofthepleasantestthingsintheworld。Mr。Chirruphasabachelorfriend，wholivedwithhiminhisowndaysofsingleblessedness，andtowhomheismightilyattached。Contrarytotheusualcustom，thisbachelorfriendisnolessafriendofMrs。Chirrup’s，and，consequently，wheneveryoudinewithMr。andMrs。Chirrup，youmeetthebachelorfriend。Itwouldputanyreasonably-conditionedmortalintogood-
humourtoobservetheentireunanimitywhichsubsistsbetweenthesethree；butthereisaquietwelcomedimplinginMrs。Chirrup’sface，abustlinghospitalityoozingasitwereoutofthewaistcoat-pocketsofMr。Chirrup，andapatronisingenjoymentoftheircordialityandsatisfactiononthepartofthebachelorfriend，whichisquitedelightful。OntheseoccasionsMr。Chirrupusuallytakesanopportunityofrallyingthefriendonbeingsingle，andthefriendretortsonMr。Chirrupforbeingmarried，atwhichmomentssomesingleyoungladiespresentareliketodieoflaughter；andwehavemorethanonceobservedthembestowlooksuponthefriend，whichconvincesusthathispositionisbynomeansasafeone，as，indeed，weholdnobachelor’stobewhovisitsmarriedfriendsandcracksjokesonwedlock，forcertainitisthatsuchmenwalkamongtrapsandnetsandpitfallsinnumerable，andoftenfindthemselvesdownupontheirkneesatthealtarrails，takingM。orN。fortheirweddedwives，beforetheyknowanythingaboutthematter。
However，thisisnobusinessofMr。Chirrup’s，whotalks，andlaughs，anddrinkshiswine，andlaughsagain，andtalksmore，untilitistimetorepairtothedrawing-room，where，coffeeservedandover，Mrs。Chirruppreparesforaroundgame，bysortingthenicestpossiblelittlefishintothenicestpossiblelittlepools，andcallingMr。Chirruptoassisther，whichMr。Chirrupdoes。Astheystandsidebyside，youfindthatMr。ChirrupistheleastpossibleshadowofashadetallerthanMrs。Chirrup，andthattheyaretheneatestandbest-matchedlittlecouplethatcanbe，whichthechancesaretentooneagainstyourobservingwithsucheffectatanyothertime，unlessyouseetheminthestreetarm-in-
arm，ormeetthemsomerainydaytrottingalongunderaverysmallumbrella。Theroundgame（atwhichMr。Chirrupisthemerriestoftheparty）beingdoneandover，incourseoftimeanicelittletrayappears，onwhichisanicelittlesupper；andwhenthatisfinishedlikewise，andyouhavesaid’Goodnight，’youfindyourselfrepeatingadozentimes，asyouridehome，thatthereneverwassuchanicelittlecoupleasMr。andMrs。Chirrup。
Whetheritisthatpleasantqualities，beingpackedmorecloselyinsmallbodiesthaninlarge，comemorereadilytohandthanwhentheyarediffusedoverawiderspace，andhavetobegatheredtogetherforuse，wedon’tknow，butasageneralrule，-
strengthenedlikeallotherrulesbyitsexceptions，-weholdthatlittlepeoplearesprightlyandgood-natured。Themoresprightlyandgood-naturedpeoplewehave，thebetter；therefore，letuswishwelltoallnicelittlecouples，andhopethattheymayincreaseandmultiply。
THEEGOTISTICALCOUPLE
Egotismincouplesisoftwokinds-Itisourpurposetoshowthisbytwoexamples。
Theegotisticalcouplemaybeyoung，old，middle-aged，welltodo，orilltodo；theymayhaveasmallfamily，alargefamily，ornofamilyatall。Thereisnooutwardsignbywhichanegotisticalcouplemaybeknownandavoided。Theycomeuponyouunawares；
thereisnoguardingagainstthem。Nomancanofhimselfbeforewarnedorforearmedagainstanegotisticalcouple。
Theegotisticalcouplehaveundergoneeverycalamity，andexperiencedeverypleasurableandpainfulsensationofwhichournatureissusceptible。Youcannotbypossibilitytelltheegotisticalcoupleanythingtheydon’tknow，ordescribetothemanythingtheyhavenotfelt。Theyhavebeeneverythingbutdead。
Sometimeswearetemptedtowishtheyhadbeeneventhat，butonlyinouruncharitablemoments，whicharefewandfarbetween。
Wehappenedtheotherday，inthecourseofamorningcall，toencounteranegotisticalcouple，norwerewesufferedtoremainlonginignoranceofthefact，forourveryfirstinquiryoftheladyofthehousebroughtthemintoactiveandvigorousoperation。
Theinquirywasofcoursetouchingthelady’shealth，andtheanswerhappenedtobe，thatshehadnotbeenverywell。’Oh，mydear！’saidtheegotisticallady，’don’ttalkofnotbeingwell。
WehavebeeninSUCHastatesincewesawyoulast！’-Theladyofthehousehappeningtoremarkthatherlordhadnotbeenwelleither，theegotisticalgentlemanstruckin：’NeverletBriggscomplainofnotbeingwell-neverletBriggscomplain，mydearMrs。Briggs，afterwhatIhaveundergonewithinthesesixweeks。
Hedoesn’tknowwhatitistobeill，hehasn’ttheleastideaofit；notthefaintestconception。’-’Mydear，’interposedhiswifesmiling，’youtalkasifitwerealmostacrimeinMr。Briggsnottohavebeenasillaswehavebeen，insteadoffeelingthankfultoProvidencethatbothheandourdearMrs。Briggsareinsuchblissfulignoranceofrealsuffering。’-’Mylove，’returnedtheegotisticalgentleman，inalowandpiousvoice，’youmistakeme；-
Ifeelgrateful-verygrateful。Itrustourfriendsmayneverpurchasetheirexperienceasdearlyaswehaveboughtours；Ihopetheynevermay！’
HavingputdownMrs。Briggsuponthistheme，andsettledthequestionthus，theegotisticalgentlemanturnedtous，and，afterafewpreliminaryremarks，alltendingtowardsandleadinguptothepointhehadinhismind，inquiredifwehappenedtobeacquaintedwiththeDowagerLadySnorflerer。Onourreplyinginthenegative，hepresumedwehadoftenmetLordSlang，orbeyondalldoubt，thatwewereonintimatetermswithSirChipkinsGlogwog。Findingthatwewereequallyunabletolayclaimtoeitherofthesedistinctions，heexpressedgreatastonishment，andturningtohiswifewitharetrospectivesmile，inquiredwhoitwasthathadtoldthatcapitalstoryaboutthemashedpotatoes。’Who，mydear？’
returnedtheegotisticallady，’whySirChipkins，ofcourse；howcanyouask！Don’tyourememberhisapplyingittoourcook，andsayingthatyouandIweresolikethePrinceandPrincess，thathecouldalmosthaveswornwewerethey？’’Tobesure，Irememberthat，’saidtheegotisticalgentleman，’butareyouquitecertainthatdidn’tapplytotheotheranecdoteabouttheEmperorofAustriaandthepump？’’Uponmywordthen，Ithinkitdid，’
repliedhiswife。’Tobesureitdid，’saidtheegotisticalgentleman，’itwasSlang’sstory，Iremembernow，perfectly。’
However，itturnedout，afewsecondsafterwards，thattheegotisticalgentleman’smemorywasrathertreacherous，ashebegantohaveamisgivingthatthestoryhadbeentoldbytheDowagerLadySnorflerertheverylasttimetheydinedthere；butthereappearing，onfurtherconsideration，strongcircumstantialevidencetendingtoshowthatthiscouldn’tbe，inasmuchastheDowagerLadySnorflererhadbeen，ontheoccasioninquestion，whollyengrossedbytheegotisticallady，theegotisticalgentlemanrecantedthisopinion；andafterlayingthestoryatthedoorsofagreatmanygreatpeople，happilyleftitatlastwiththeDukeofScuttlewig：-
observingthatitwasnotextraordinaryhehadforgottenhisGracehitherto，asitoftenhappenedthatthenamesofthosewithwhomwewereuponthemostfamiliarfootingweretheverylasttopresentthemselvestoourthoughts。
Itnotonlyappearedthattheegotisticalcouplekneweverybody，butthatscarcelyanyeventofimportanceornotorietyhadoccurredformanyyearswithwhichtheyhadnotbeeninsomewayorotherconnected。Thuswelearnedthatwhenthewell-knownattemptuponthelifeofGeorgetheThirdwasmadebyHatfieldinDruryLanetheatre，theegotisticalgentleman’sgrandfathersatuponhisrighthandandwasthefirstmanwhocollaredhim；andthattheegotisticallady’saunt，sittingwithinafewboxesoftheroyalparty，wastheonlypersonintheaudiencewhoheardhisMajestyexclaim，’Charlotte，Charlotte，don’tbefrightened，don’tbefrightened；they’relettingoffsquibs，they’relettingoffsquibs。’Whenthefirebrokeout，whichendedinthedestructionofthetwoHousesofParliament，theegotisticalcouple，beingatthetimeatadrawing-roomwindowonBlackheath，thenandtheresimultaneouslyexclaimed，totheastonishmentofawholeparty-
’It’stheHouseofLords！’Norwasthisasolitaryinstanceoftheirpeculiardiscernment，forchancingtobe（asbyacomparisonofdatesandcircumstancestheyafterwardsfound）inthesameomnibuswithMr。Greenacre，whenhecarriedhisvictim’sheadabouttowninabluebag，theybothremarkedasingulartwitchinginthemusclesofhiscountenance；andwalkingdownFishStreetHill，afewweekssince，theegotisticalgentlemansaidtohislady-
slightlycastinguphiseyestothetopoftheMonument-’There’saboyupthere，mydear，readingaBible。It’sverystrange。I
don’tlikeit-Infivesecondsafterwards，Sir，’saystheegotisticalgentleman，bringinghishandstogetherwithoneviolentclap-’theladwasover！’
Diversifyingthesetopicsbytheintroductionofmanyothersofthesamekind，andentertainingusbetweenwhileswithaminuteaccountofwhatweatheranddietagreedwiththem，andwhatweatheranddietdisagreedwiththem，andatwhattimetheyusuallygotup，andatwhattimewenttobed，withmanyotherparticularsoftheirdomesticeconomytoonumeroustomention；theegotisticalcoupleatlengthtooktheirleave，andaffordedusanopportunityofdoingthesame。
Mr。andMrs。Sliverstoneareanegotisticalcoupleofanotherclass，forallthelady’segotismisaboutherhusband，andallthegentleman’sabouthiswife。Forexample：-Mr。Sliverstoneisaclericalgentleman，andoccasionallywritessermons，asclericalgentlemendo。Ifyouhappentoobtainadmissionatthestreet-doorwhileheissoengaged，Mrs。Sliverstoneappearsontip-toe，andspeakinginasolemnwhisper，asiftherewereatleastthreeorfourparticularfriendsup-stairs，alluponthepointofdeath，imploresyoutobeverysilent，forMr。Sliverstoneiscomposing，andsheneednotsayhowveryimportantitisthatheshouldnotbedisturbed。Unwillingtointerruptanythingsoserious，youhastentowithdraw，withmanyapologies；butthisMrs。Sliverstonewillbynomeansallow，observing，thatsheknowsyouwouldliketoseehim，asitisverynaturalyoushould，andthatsheisdeterminedtomakeatrialforyou，asyouareagreatfavourite。Soyouareledup-stairs-stillontip-toe-tothedoorofalittlebackroom，inwhich，astheladyinformsyouinawhisper，Mr。
Sliverstonealwayswrites。Noanswerbeingreturnedtoacoupleofsofttaps，theladyopensthedoor，andthere，sureenough，isMr。
Sliverstone，withdishevelledhair，powderingawaywithpen，ink，andpaper，ataratewhich，ifhehasanypowerofsustainingit，wouldsettlethelongestsermoninnotime。Atfirstheistoomuchabsorbedtoberousedbythisintrusion；butpresentlylookingup，saysfaintly，’Ah！’andpointingtohisdeskwithawearyandlanguidsmile，extendshishand，andhopesyou’llforgivehim。
ThenMrs。Sliverstonesitsdownbesidehim，andtakinghishandinhers，tellsyouhowthatMr。Sliverstonehasbeenshutupthereeversincenineo’clockinthemorning，（itisbythistimetwelveatnoon，）andhowsheknowsitcannotbegoodforhishealth，andisveryuneasyaboutit。UntothisMr。Sliverstonerepliesfirmly，that’Itmustbedone；’whichagonizesMrs。Sliverstonestillmore，andshegoesontotellyouthatsuchwereMr。Sliverstone’slabourslastweek-whatwiththeburyings，marryings，churchings，christenings，andalltogether，-thatwhenhewasgoingupthepulpitstairsonSundayevening，hewasobligedtoholdonbytherails，orhewouldcertainlyhavefallenoverintohisownpew。
Mr。Sliverstone，whohasbeenlisteningandsmilingmeekly，says，’Notquitesobadasthat，notquitesobad！’headmitsthough，oncross-examination，thatheWASverynearfallinguponthevergerwhowasfollowinghimuptoboltthedoor；butadds，thatitwashisdutyasaChristiantofalluponhim，ifneedwere，andthathe，Mr。Sliverstone，and（possiblythevergertoo）oughttogloryinit。
ThissentimentcommunicatesnewimpulsetoMrs。Sliverstone，wholaunchesintonewpraisesofMr。Sliverstone’sworthandexcellence，towhichhelistensinthesamemeeksilence，savewhenheputsinawordofself-denialrelativetosomequestionoffact，as-’Notseventy-twochristeningsthatweek，mydear。Onlyseventy-one，onlyseventy-one。’Atlengthhisladyhasquiteconcluded，andthenhesays，Whyshouldherepine，whyshouldhegiveway，whyshouldhesufferhishearttosinkwithinhim？Isithealonewhotoilsandsuffers？Whathasshegonethrough，heshouldliketoknow？Whatdoesshegothrougheverydayforhimandforsociety？
WithsuchanexordiumMr。SliverstonelaunchesoutintoglowingpraisesoftheconductofMrs。Sliverstoneintheproductionofeightyoungchildren，andthesubsequentrearingandfosteringofthesame；andthusthehusbandmagnifiesthewife，andthewifethehusband。
ThiswouldbewellenoughifMr。andMrs。Sliverstonekeptittothemselves，oreventothemselvesandafriendortwo；buttheydonot。Themorehearerstheyhave，themoreegotisticalthecouplebecome，andthemoreanxioustheyaretomakebelieversintheirmerits。Perhapsthisistheworstkindofegotism。Ithasnoteventhepoorexcuseofbeingspontaneous，butistheresultofadeliberatesystemandmaliceaforethought。Mereempty-headedconceitexcitesourpity，butostentatioushypocrisyawakensourdisgust。
THECOUPLEWHOCODDLETHEMSELVES
Mrs。Merrywinkle’smaidennamewasChopper。ShewastheonlychildofMr。andMrs。Chopper。Herfatherdiedwhenshewas，astheplay-booksexpressit，’yetaninfant；’andsooldMrs。Chopper，whenherdaughtermarried，madethehouseofherson-in-lawherhomefromthattimehenceforth，andsetupherstaffofrestwithMr。andMrs。Merrywinkle。
Mr。andMrs。Merrywinkleareacouplewhocoddlethemselves；andthevenerableMrs。Chopperisanaiderandabettorinthesame。
Mr。Merrywinkleisaratherleanandlong-neckedgentleman，middle-
agedandmiddle-sized，andusuallytroubledwithacoldinthehead。Mrs。Merrywinkleisadelicate-lookinglady，withverylighthair，andisexceedinglysubjecttothesameunpleasantdisorder。
ThevenerableMrs。Chopper-whoisstrictlyentitledtotheappellation，herdaughternotbeingveryyoung，otherwisethanbycourtesy，atthetimeofhermarriage，whichwassomeyearsago-
isamysteriousoldladywholurksbehindapairofspectacles，andisafflictedwithachronicdisease，respectingwhichshehastakenavastdealofmedicaladvice，andreferredtoavastnumberofmedicalbooks，withoutmeetinganydefinitionofsymptomsthatatallsuitsher，orenableshertosay，’That’smycomplaint。’
Indeed，theabsenceofauthenticinformationuponthesubjectofthiscomplaintwouldseemtobeMrs。Chopper’sgreatestill，asinallotherrespectssheisanuncommonlyhaleandheartygentlewoman。
BothMr。andMrs。Chopperwearanextraordinaryquantityofflannel，andhaveahabitofputtingtheirfeetinhotwatertoanunnaturalextent。Theylikewiseindulgeinchamomileteaandsuch-
likecompounds，andrubthemselvesontheslightestprovocationwithcamphoratedspiritsandotherlotionsapplicabletomumps，sore-throat，rheumatism，orlumbago。
Mr。Merrywinkle’sleavinghometogotobusinessonadamporwetmorningisaveryelaborateaffair。Heputsonwash-leathersocksoverhisstockings，andIndia-rubbershoesabovehisboots，andwearsunderhiswaistcoatacuirassofhare-skin。Besidestheseprecautions，hewindsathickshawlroundhisthroat，andblocksuphismouthwithalargesilkhandkerchief。Thusaccoutred，andfurnishedbesideswithagreat-coatandumbrella，hebravesthedangersofthestreets；travellinginsevereweatheratagentletrot，thebettertopreservethecirculation，andbringinghismouthtothesurfacetotakebreath，butveryseldom，andwiththeutmostcaution。Hisoffice-dooropened，heshootspasthisclerkatthesamepace，anddivingintohisownprivateroom，closesthedoor，examinesthewindow-fastenings，andgraduallyunrobeshimself：hanginghispocket-handkerchiefonthefendertoair，anddeterminingtowritetothenewspapersaboutthefog，which，hesays，’hasreallygottothatpitchthatitisquiteunbearable。’
InthislastopinionMrs。Merrywinkleandherrespectedmotherfullyconcur；forthoughnotpresent，theirthoughtsandtonguesareoccupiedwiththesamesubject，whichistheirconstantthemeallday。Ifanybodyhappenstocall，Mrs。Merrywinkleopinesthattheymustassuredlybemad，andherfirstsalutationis，’Why，whatinthenameofgoodnesscanbringyououtinsuchweather？YouknowyouMUSTcatchyourdeath。’ThisassuranceiscorroboratedbyMrs。Chopper，whoadds，infurtherconfirmation，adismallegendconcerninganindividualofheracquaintancewho，makingacallunderpreciselyparallelcircumstances，andbeingtheninthebesthealthandspirits，expiredinforty-eighthoursafterwards，ofacomplicationofinflammatorydisorders。Thevisitor，renderednotaltogethercomfortableperhapsbythisandotherprecedents，inquiresveryaffectionatelyafterMr。Merrywinkle，butbysodoingbringsaboutnochangeofthesubject；forMr。Merrywinkle’snameisinseparablyconnectedwithhiscomplaints，andhiscomplaintsareinseparablyconnectedwithMrs。Merrywinkle’s；andwhenthesearedonewith，Mrs。Chopper，whohasbeenbidinghertime，cutsinwiththechronicdisorder-asubjectuponwhichtheamiableoldladyneverleavesoffspeakinguntilsheisleftalone，andveryoftennotthen。
ButMr。Merrywinklecomeshometodinner。HeisreceivedbyMrs。
MerrywinkleandMrs。Chopper，who，onhisremarkingthathethinkshisfeetaredamp，turnpaleasashesanddraghimup-stairs，imploringhimtohavethemrubbeddirectlywithadrycoarsetowel。
Rubbedtheyare，onebyMrs。MerrywinkleandonebyMrs。Chopper，untilthefrictioncausesMr。Merrywinkletomakehorriblefaces，andlookasifhehadbeensmellingverypowerfulonions；whentheydesist，andthepatient，providedforhisbettersecuritywiththickworstedstockingsandlistslippers，isbornedown-stairstodinner。Now，thedinnerisalwaysagoodone，theappetitesofthedinersbeingdelicate，andrequiringalittleofwhatMrs。
Merrywinklecalls’tittivation；’thesecretofwhichisunderstoodtolieingoodcookeryandtastefulspices，andwhichprocessissosuccessfullyperformedinthepresentinstance，thatbothMr。andMrs。Merrywinkleeataremarkablygooddinner，andeventheafflictedMrs。Chopperwieldsherknifeandforkwithmuchofthespiritandelasticityofyouth。ButMr。Merrywinkle，inhisdesiretogratifyhisappetite，isnotunmindfulofhishealth，forhehasabottleofcarbonateofsodawithwhichtoqualifyhisporter，andalittlepairofscalesinwhichtoweighitout。Neitherinhisanxietytotakecareofhisbodyisheunmindfulofthewelfareofhisimmortalpart，ashealwayspraysthatforwhatheisgoingtoreceivehemaybemadetrulythankful；andinorderthathemaybeasthankfulaspossible，eatsanddrinkstotheutmost。
Eitherfromeatinganddrinkingsomuch，orfrombeingthevictimofthisconstitutionalinfirmity，amongothers，Mr。Merrywinkle，aftertwoorthreeglassesofwine，fallsfastasleep；andhehasscarcelyclosedhiseyes，whenMrs。MerrywinkleandMrs。Chopperfallasleeplikewise。Itisonawakeningattea-timethattheirmostalarmingsymptomsprevail；forthenMr。Merrywinklefeelsasifhistemplesweretightlyboundroundwiththechainofthestreet-door，andMrs。Merrywinkleasifshehadmadeaheartydinnerofhalf-hundredweights，andMrs。Chopperasifcoldwaterwererunningdownherback，andoyster-kniveswithsharppointswereplungingoftheirownaccordintoherribs。Symptomsliketheseareenoughtomakepeoplepeevish，andnowonderthattheyremainsountilsupper-time，doinglittlemorethandozeandcomplain，unlessMr。Merrywinklecallsoutveryloudlytoaservant’tokeepthatdraughtout，’orrushesintothepassagetoflourishhisfistinthecountenanceofthetwopenny-postman，fordaringtogivesuchaknockashehadjustperformedatthedoorofaprivategentlemanwithnerves。
Supper，comingafterdinner，shouldconsistofsomegentleprovocative；andthereforethetittivatingartisagaininrequisition，andagain-donehonourtobyMr。andMrs。
Merrywinkle，stillcomfortedandabettedbyMrs。Chopper。Aftersupper，itistentoonebutthelast-namedoldladybecomesworse，andisledofftobedwiththechroniccomplaintinfullvigour。
Mr。andMrs。Merrywinkle，havingadministeredtoherawarmcordial，whichissomethingofthestrongest，thenrepairtotheirownroom，whereMr。Merrywinkle，withhislegsandfeetinhotwater，superintendsthemullingofsomewinewhichheistodrinkattheverymomentheplungesintobed，whileMrs。Merrywinkle，ingarmentswhosenatureisunknowntoandunimaginedbyallbutmarriedmen，takesfoursmallpillswithaspasmodiclookbetweeneach，andfinallycomestosomethinghotandfragrantoutofanotherlittlesaucepan，whichservesashercomposing-draughtforthenight。
Thereisanotherkindofcouplewhocoddlethemselves，andwhodosoatacheaperrateandonmoresparediet，becausetheyareniggardlyandparsimonious；forwhichreasontheyarekindenoughtocoddletheirvisitorstoo。Itisunnecessarytodescribethem，forourreadersmayrestassuredoftheaccuracyofthesegeneralprinciples：-thatallcoupleswhocoddlethemselvesareselfishandslothful，-thattheychargeuponeverywindthatblows，everyrainthatfalls，andeveryvapourthathangsintheair，theevilswhicharisefromtheirownimprudenceorthegloomwhichisengenderedintheirowntempers，-andthatallmenandwomen，incouplesorotherwise，whofallintoexclusivehabitsofself-indulgence，andforgettheirnaturalsympathyandcloseconnexionwitheverybodyandeverythingintheworldaroundthem，notonlyneglectthefirstdutyoflife，but，byahappyretributivejustice，deprivethemselvesofitstruestandbestenjoyment。
THEOLDCOUPLE
Theyaregrandfatherandgrandmothertoadozengrownpeopleandhavegreat-grandchildrenbesides；theirbodiesarebent，theirhairisgrey，theirsteptotteringandinfirm。Isthisthelightsomepairwhoseweddingwassomerry，andhavetheyoungcoupleindeedgrownoldsosoon！
Itseemsbutyesterday-andyetwhatahostofcaresandgriefsarecrowdedintotheinterveningtimewhich，reckonedbythem，lengthensoutintoacentury！Howmanynewassociationshavewreathedthemselvesabouttheirheartssincethen！Theoldtimeisgone，andanewtimehascomeforothers-notforthem。Theyarebuttherustinglinkthatfeeblyjoinsthetwo，andissilentlylooseningitsholdanddroppingasunder。
Itseemsbutyesterday-andyetthreeoftheirchildrenhavesunkintothegrave，andthetreethatshadesithasgrownquiteold。
Onewasaninfant-theyweptforhim；thenextagirl，aslightyoungthingtoodelicateforearth-herlosswashardindeedtobear。Thethird，aman。Thatwastheworstofall，buteventhatgriefissoftenednow。
Itseemsbutyesterday-andyethowthegayandlaughingfacesofthatbrightmorninghavechangedandvanishedfromaboveground！
Faintlikenessesofsomeremainaboutthemyet，buttheyareveryfaintandscarcelytobetraced。Therestareonlyseenindreams，andeventheyareunlikewhattheywere，ineyessooldanddim。
Oneortwodressesfromthebridalwardrobeareyetpreserved。
Theyareofaquaintandantiquefashion，andseldomseenexceptinpictures。Whitehasturnedyellow，andbrighterhueshavefaded。
Doyouwonder，child？Thewrinkledfacewasonceassmoothasyours，theeyesasbright，theshrivelledskinasfairanddelicate。Itistheworkofhandsthathavebeendustthesemanyyears。
Wherearethefairyloversofthathappydaywhoseannualreturncomesupontheoldmanandhiswife，liketheechoofsomevillagebellwhichhaslongbeensilent？Letyonderpeevishbachelor，rackedbyrheumaticpains，andquarrellingwiththeworld，lethimanswertothequestion。Herecollectssomethingofafavouriteplaymate；hernamewasLucy-sotheytellhim。Heisnotsurewhethershewasmarried，orwentabroad，ordied。Itisalongwhileago，andhedon’tremember。
Isnothingasitusedtobe；doesnoonefeel，orthink，oract，asindaysofyore？Yes。Thereisanagedwomanwhooncelivedservantwiththeoldlady’sfather，andisshelteredinanalms-
housenotfaroff。Sheisstillattachedtothefamily，andlovesthemall；shenursedthechildreninherlap，andtendedintheirsicknessthosewhoarenomore。Heroldmistresshasstillsomethingofyouthinhereyes；theyoungladiesarelikewhatshewasbutnotquitesohandsome，norarethegentlemenasstatelyasMr。Harveyusedtobe。Shehasseenagreatdealoftrouble；herhusbandandhersondiedlongago；butshehasgotoverthat，andishappynow-quitehappy。
Ifeverherattachmenttoheroldprotectorsweredisturbedbyfreshercaresandhopes，ithaslongsinceresumeditsformercurrent。Ithasfilledthevoidinthepoorcreature’sheart，andreplacedtheloveofkindred。Deathhasnotleftheralone，andthis，witharoofaboveherhead，andawarmhearthtositby，makeshercheerfulandcontented。Doessherememberthemarriageofgreat-grandmamma？Ay，thatshedoes，aswell-asifitwasonlyyesterday。Youwouldn’tthinkittolookathernow，andperhapssheoughtnottosaysoofherself，butshewasassmartayounggirlthenasyou’dwishtosee。Sherecollectsshetookafriendofhersup-stairstoseeMissEmmadressedforchurch；hernamewas-ah！sheforgetsthename，butsheremembersthatshewasaveryprettygirl，andthatshemarriednotlongafterwards，andlived-ithasquitepassedoutofhermindwhereshelived，butsheknowsshehadabadhusbandwhousedherill，andthatshediedinLambethwork-house。Dear，dear，inLambethworkhouse！
Andtheoldcouple-havetheynocomfortorenjoymentofexistence？Seethemamongtheirgrandchildrenandgreat-
grandchildren；howgarruloustheyare，howtheycompareonewithanother，andinsistonlikenesseswhichnooneelsecansee；howgentlytheoldladylecturesthegirlsonpointsofbreedinganddecorum，andpointsthemoralbyanecdotesofherselfinheryoungdays-howtheoldgentlemanchucklesoverboyishfeatsandroguishtricks，andtellslongstoriesofa’barring-out’achievedattheschoolhewentto：whichwasverywrong，hetellstheboys，andnevertobeimitatedofcourse，butwhichhecannothelplettingthemknowwasverypleasanttoo-especiallywhenhekissedthemaster’sniece。Thislast，however，isapointonwhichtheoldladyisverytender，forsheconsidersitashockingandindelicatethingtotalkabout，andalwayssayssowheneveritismentioned，neverfailingtoobservethatheoughttobeverypenitentforhavingbeensosinful。Sotheoldgentlemangetsnofurther，andwhattheschoolmaster’sniecesaidafterwards（whichheisalwaysgoingtotell）islosttoposterity。
Theoldgentlemaniseightyyearsold，to-day-’Eightyyearsold，Crofts，andneverhadaheadache，’hetellsthebarberwhoshaveshim（thebarberbeingayoungfellow，andverysubjecttothatcomplaint）。’That’sagreatage，Crofts，’saystheoldgentleman。
’Idon’tthinkit’ssichawerygreatage，Sir，’repliedthebarber。’Crofts，’rejoinstheoldgentleman，’you’retalkingnonsensetome。Eightynotagreatage？’’It’sawerygreatage，Sir，foragentlemantobeashealthyandactiveasyouare，’
returnsthebarber；’butmygrandfather，Sir，hewasninety-four。’
’Youdon’tmeanthat，Crofts？’saystheoldgentleman。’Idoindeed，Sir，’retortsthebarber，’andaswiggerousasJuliusCaesar，mygrandfatherwas。’Theoldgentlemanmusesalittletime，andthensays，’Whatdidhedieof，Crofts？’’Hediedaccidentally，Sir，’returnsthebarber；’hedidn’tmeantodoit。
Healwayswouldgoarunningaboutthestreets-walkingneversatisfiedHISspirit-andherunagainstapostanddiedofahurtinhischest。’Theoldgentlemansaysnomoreuntiltheshavingisconcluded，andthenhegivesCroftshalf-a-crowntodrinkhishealth。Heisalittledoubtfulofthebarber’sveracityafterwards，andtellingtheanecdotetotheoldlady，affectstomakeverylightofit-thoughtobesure（headds）therewasoldParr，andinsomepartsofEngland，ninety-fiveorsoisacommonage，quiteacommonage。
Thismorningtheoldcouplearecheerfulbutserious，recallingoldtimesaswellastheycanrememberthem，anddwellinguponmanypassagesintheirpastliveswhichthedaybringstomind。Theoldladyreadsaloud，inatremulousvoice，outofagreatBible，andtheoldgentlemanwithhishandtohisear，listenswithprofoundrespect。Whenthebookisclosed，theysitsilentforashortspace，andafterwardsresumetheirconversation，withareferenceperhapstotheirdeadchildren，asasubjectnotunsuitedtothattheyhavejustleft。Bydegreestheyareledtoconsiderwhichofthosewhosurvivearethemostlikethosedearly-rememberedobjects，andsotheyfallintoalesssolemnstrain，andbecomecheerfulagain。
Howmanypeopleinall，grandchildren，great-grandchildren，andoneortwointimatefriendsofthefamily，dinetogetherto-dayattheeldestson’stocongratulatetheoldcouple，andwishthemmanyhappyreturns，isacalculationbeyondourpowers；butthisweknow，thattheoldcouplenosoonerpresentthemselves，verysprucelyandcarefullyattired，thanthereisaviolentshoutingandrushingforwardoftheyoungerbrancheswithallmannerofpresents，suchaspocket-books，pencil-cases，pen-wipers，watch-
papers，pin-cushions，sleeve-buckles，worked-slippers，watch-
guards，andevenanutmeg-grater：thelatterarticlebeingpresentedbyaverychubbyandverylittleboy，whoexhibitsitingreattriumphasanextraordinaryvariety。Theoldcouple’semotionatthesetokensofremembranceoccasionsquiteapatheticscene，ofwhichthechiefingredientsareavastquantityofkissingandhugging，andrepeatedwipingsofsmalleyesandnoseswithsmallsquarepocket-handkerchiefs，whichdon’tcomeatalleasilyoutofsmallpockets。Eventhepeevishbachelorismoved，andhesays，ashepresentstheoldgentlemanwithaqueersortofantiqueringfromhisownfinger，thathe’llbede’edifhedoesn’tthinkhelooksyoungerthanhedidtenyearsago。
Butthegreattimeisafterdinner，whenthedessertandwineareonthetable，whichispushedbacktomakeplentyofroom，andtheyareallgatheredinalargecircleroundthefire，foritisthen-
theglassesbeingfilled，andeverybodyreadytodrinkthetoast-
thattwogreat-grandchildrenrushoutatagivensignal，andpresentlyreturn，dragginginoldJaneAdamsleaninguponhercrutchedstick，andtremblingwithageandpleasure。WhosopopularaspooroldJane，nurseandstory-tellerinordinarytotwogenerations；andwhosohappyasshe，strivingtobendherstifflimbsintoacurtsey，whiletearsofpleasurestealdownherwitheredcheeks！
Theoldcouplesitsidebyside，andtheoldtimeseemslikeyesterdayindeed。Lookingbackuponthepaththeyhavetravelled，itsdustandashesdisappear；theflowersthatwitheredlongago，showbrightlyagainuponitsborders，andtheygrowyoungoncemoreintheyouthofthoseaboutthem。
CONCLUSION
Wehavetakenforthesubjectsoftheforegoingmoralessays，twelvesamplesofmarriedcouples，carefullyselectedfromalargestockonhand，opentotheinspectionofallcomers。Thesesamplesareintendedforthebenefitoftherisinggenerationofbothsexes，and，fortheirmoreeasyandpleasantinformation，havebeenseparatelyticketedandlabelledinthemannertheyhaveseen。
Wehavepurposelyexcludedfromconsiderationthecoupleinwhichtheladyreignsparamountandsupreme，holdingsuchcasestobeofaveryunnaturalkind，andlikehideousbirthsandothermonstrousdeformities，onlytobediscreetlyandsparinglyexhibited。
Andhereourself-imposedtaskwouldhaveended，butthattothoseyoungladiesandgentlemenwhoareyetrevolvingsinglyroundthechurch，awaitingtheadventofthattimewhenthemysteriouslawsofattractionshalldrawthemtowardsitincouples，wearedesirousofaddressingafewlastwords。
Beforemarriageandafterwards，letthemlearntocentrealltheirhopesofrealandlastinghappinessintheirownfireside；letthemcherishthefaiththatinhome，andalltheEnglishvirtueswhichtheloveofhomeengenders，liestheonlytruesourceofdomesticfelicity；letthembelievethatroundthehouseholdgods，contentmentandtranquillityclusterintheirgentlestandmostgracefulforms；andthatmanywearyhuntersofhappinessthroughthenoisyworld，havelearntthistruthtoolate，andfoundacheerfulspiritandaquietmindonlyathomeatlast。
Howmuchmaydependontheeducationofdaughtersandtheconductofmothers；howmuchofthebrightestpartofouroldnationalcharactermaybeperpetuatedbytheirwisdomorfritteredawaybytheirfolly-howmuchofitmayhavebeenlostalready，andhowmuchmoreindangerofvanishingeveryday-arequestionstooweightyfordiscussionhere，butwelldeservingalittleseriousconsiderationfromallyoungcouplesnevertheless。
Tothatoneyoungcoupleonwhosebrightdestinythethoughtsofnationsarefixed，maytheyouthofEnglandlook，andnotinvain，foranexample。Fromthatoneyoungcouple，blessedandfavouredastheyare，maytheylearnthateventheglareandglitterofacourt，thesplendourofapalace，andthepompandgloryofathrone，yieldintheirpowerofconferringhappiness，todomesticworthandvirtue。Fromthatoneyoungcouplemaytheylearnthatthecrownofagreatempire，costlyandjewelledthoughitbe，givesplaceintheestimationofaQueentotheplaingoldringthatlinksherwoman’snaturetothatoftensofthousandsofherhumblesubjects，andguardsinherwoman’sheartonesecretstoreoftenderness，whoseproudestboastshallbethatitknowsnoRoyaltysaveNature’sown，andnoprideofbirthbutbeingthechildofheaven！
Soshallthehighestyoungcoupleinthelandforoncehearthetruth，whenmenthrowuptheircaps，andcrywithlovingshouts-
GODBLESSTHEM。