I’llsayhediedinParisofapoplexy。Lotsofpeopledieofapoplexy，quitesuddenly，don’tthey？
ALGERNON。Yes，butit’shereditary，mydearfellow。It’sasortofthingthatrunsinfamilies。Youhadmuchbettersayaseverechill。
JACK。Youaresureaseverechillisn’thereditary，oranythingofthatkind？
ALGERNON。Ofcourseitisn’t！
JACK。Verywell，then。MypoorbrotherErnesttocarriedoffsuddenly，inParis，byaseverechill。Thatgetsridofhim。
ALGERNON。ButIthoughtyousaidthat……MissCardewwasalittletoomuchinterestedinyourpoorbrotherErnest？Won’tshefeelhislossagooddeal？
JACK。Oh，thatisallright。Cecilyisnotasillyromanticgirl，Iamgladtosay。Shehasgotacapitalappetite，goeslongwalks，andpaysnoattentionatalltoherlessons。
ALGERNON。IwouldratherliketoseeCecily。
JACK。Iwilltakeverygoodcareyouneverdo。Sheisexcessivelypretty，andsheisonlyjusteighteen。
ALGERNON。HaveyoutoldGwendolenyetthatyouhaveanexcessivelyprettywardwhoisonlyjusteighteen？
JACK。Oh！onedoesn’tblurtthesethingsouttopeople。CecilyandGwendolenareperfectlycertaintobeextremelygreatfriends。
I’llbetyouanythingyoulikethathalfanhouraftertheyhavemet，theywillbecallingeachothersister。
ALGERNON。Womenonlydothatwhentheyhavecalledeachotheralotofotherthingsfirst。Now，mydearboy，ifwewanttogetagoodtableatWillis’s，wereallymustgoanddress。Doyouknowitisnearlyseven？
JACK。[Irritably。]Oh！Italwaysisnearlyseven。
ALGERNON。Well，I’mhungry。
JACK。Ineverknewyouwhenyouweren’t……
ALGERNON。Whatshallwedoafterdinner？Gotoatheatre？
JACK。Ohno！Iloathelistening。
ALGERNON。Well，letusgototheClub？
JACK。Oh，no！Ihatetalking。
ALGERNON。Well，wemighttrotroundtotheEmpireatten？
JACK。Oh，no！Ican’tbearlookingatthings。Itissosilly。
ALGERNON。Well，whatshallwedo？
JACK。Nothing！
ALGERNON。Itisawfullyhardworkdoingnothing。However，Idon’tmindhardworkwherethereisnodefiniteobjectofanykind。
[EnterLANE。]
LANE。MissFairfax。
[EnterGWENDOLEN。LANEgoesout。]
ALGERNON。Gwendolen，uponmyword！
GWENDOLEN。Algy，kindlyturnyourback。IhavesomethingveryparticulartosaytoMr。Worthing。
ALGERNON。Really，Gwendolen，Idon’tthinkIcanallowthisatall。
GWENDOLEN。Algy，youalwaysadoptastrictlyimmoralattitudetowardslife。Youarenotquiteoldenoughtodothat。[ALGERNON
retirestothefireplace。]
JACK。Myowndarling！
GWENDOLEN。Ernest，wemayneverbemarried。Fromtheexpressiononmamma’sfaceIfearwenevershall。Fewparentsnowadayspayanyregardtowhattheirchildrensaytothem。Theold-fashionedrespectfortheyoungisfastdyingout。WhateverinfluenceIeverhadovermamma，Ilostattheageofthree。Butalthoughshemaypreventusfrombecomingmanandwife，andImaymarrysomeoneelse，andmarryoften，nothingthatshecanpossiblydocanaltermyeternaldevotiontoyou。
JACK。DearGwendolen！
GWENDOLEN。Thestoryofyourromanticorigin，asrelatedtomebymamma，withunpleasingcomments，hasnaturallystirredthedeeperfibresofmynature。YourChristiannamehasanirresistiblefascination。Thesimplicityofyourcharactermakesyouexquisitelyincomprehensibletome。YourtownaddressattheAlbanyIhave。Whatisyouraddressinthecountry？
JACK。TheManorHouse，Woolton，Hertfordshire。
[ALGERNON，whohasbeencarefullylistening，smilestohimself，andwritestheaddressonhisshirt-cuff。ThenpicksuptheRailwayGuide。]
GWENDOLEN。Thereisagoodpostalservice，Isuppose？Itmaybenecessarytodosomethingdesperate。Thatofcoursewillrequireseriousconsideration。Iwillcommunicatewithyoudaily。
JACK。Myownone！
GWENDOLEN。Howlongdoyouremainintown？
JACK。TillMonday。
GWENDOLEN。Good！Algy，youmayturnroundnow。
ALGERNON。Thanks，I’veturnedroundalready。
GWENDOLEN。Youmayalsoringthebell。
JACK。Youwillletmeseeyoutoyourcarriage，myowndarling？
GWENDOLEN。Certainly。
JACK。[ToLANE，whonowenters。]IwillseeMissFairfaxout。
LANE。Yes，sir。[JACKandGWENDOLENgooff。]
[LANEpresentsseverallettersonasalvertoALGERNON。Itistobesurmisedthattheyarebills，asALGERNON，afterlookingattheenvelopes，tearsthemup。]
ALGERNON。Aglassofsherry，Lane。
LANE。Yes，sir。
ALGERNON。To-morrow，Lane，I’mgoingBunburying。
LANE。Yes，sir。
ALGERNON。IshallprobablynotbebacktillMonday。Youcanputupmydressclothes，mysmokingjacket，andalltheBunburysuits……
LANE。Yes，sir。[Handingsherry。]
ALGERNON。Ihopeto-morrowwillbeafineday，Lane。
LANE。Itneveris，sir。
ALGERNON。Lane，you’reaperfectpessimist。
LANE。Idomybesttogivesatisfaction，sir。
[EnterJACK。LANEgoesoff。]
JACK。There’sasensible，intellectualgirl！theonlygirlIevercaredforinmylife。[ALGERNONislaughingimmoderately。]Whatonearthareyousoamusedat？
ALGERNON。Oh，I’malittleanxiousaboutpoorBunbury，thatinall。
JACK。Ifyoudon’ttakecare，yourfriendBunburywillgetyouintoaseriousscrapesomeday。
ALGERNON。Ilovescrapes。Theyaretheonlythingsthatareneverserious。
JACK。Oh，that’snonsense，Algy。Younevertalkanythingbutnonsense。
ALGERNON。Nobodyeverdoes。
[JACKlooksindignantlyathim，andleavestheroom。ALGERNON
lightsacigarette，readshisshirt-cuff，andsmiles。]
ACTDROP
SECONDACT
SCENE
GardenattheManorHouse。Aflightofgreystonestepsleadsuptothehouse。Thegarden，anold-fashionedone，fullofroses。
Timeofyear，July。Basketchairs，andatablecoveredwithbooks，aresetunderalargeyew-tree。
[MISSPRISMdiscoveredseatedatthetable。CECILYisatthebackwateringflowers。]
MISSPRISM。[Calling。]Cecily，Cecily！SurelysuchautilitarianoccupationasthewateringofflowersisratherMoulton’sdutythanyours？Especiallyatamomentwhenintellectualpleasuresawaityou。YourGermangrammarisonthetable。Prayopenitatpagefifteen。Wewillrepeatyesterday’slesson。
CECILY。[Comingoververyslowly。]ButIdon’tlikeGerman。Itisn’tatallabecominglanguage。IknowperfectlywellthatI
lookquiteplainaftermyGermanlesson。
MISSPRISM。Child，youknowhowanxiousyourguardianisthatyoushouldimproveyourselfineveryway。HelaidparticularstressonyourGerman，ashewasleavingfortownyesterday。Indeed，healwayslaysstressonyourGermanwhenheisleavingfortown。
CECILY。DearUncleJackissoveryserious！SometimesheissoseriousthatIthinkhecannotbequitewellMISSPRISM。[Drawingherselfup。]Yourguardianenjoysthebestofhealth，andhisgravityofdemeanourisespeciallytobecommandedinonesocomparativelyyoungasheis。Iknownoonewhohasahighersenseofdutyandresponsibility。
CECILY。Isupposethatiswhyheoftenlooksalittleboredwhenwethreearetogether。
MISSPRISM。Cecily！Iamsurprisedatyou。Mr。Worthinghasmanytroublesinhislife。Idlemerrimentandtrivialitywouldbeoutofplaceinhisconversation。Youmustrememberhisconstantanxietyaboutthatunfortunateyoungmanhisbrother。
CECILY。IwishUncleJackwouldallowthatunfortunateyoungman，hisbrother，tocomedownheresometimes。Wemighthaveagoodinfluenceoverhim，MissPrism。Iamsureyoucertainlywould。
YouknowGerman，andgeology，andthingsofthatkindinfluenceamanverymuch。[CECILYbeginstowriteinherdiary。]
MISSPRISM。[Shakingherhead。]IdonotthinkthatevenIcouldproduceanyeffectonacharacterthataccordingtohisownbrother’sadmissionisirretrievablyweakandvacillating。IndeedIamnotsurethatIwoulddesiretoreclaimhim。Iamnotinfavourofthismodernmaniaforturningbadpeopleintogoodpeopleatamoment’snotice。Asamansowssolethimreap。Youmustputawayyourdiary，Cecily。Ireallydon’tseewhyyoushouldkeepadiaryatall。
CECILY。Ikeepadiaryinordertoenterthewonderfulsecretsofmylife。IfIdidn’twritethemdown，Ishouldprobablyforgetallaboutthem。
MISSPRISM。Memory，mydearCecily，isthediarythatweallcarryaboutwithus。
CECILY。Yes，butitusuallychroniclesthethingsthathaveneverhappened，andcouldn’tpossiblyhavehappened。IbelievethatMemoryisresponsiblefornearlyallthethree-volumenovelsthatMudiesendsus。
MISSPRISM。Donotspeakslightinglyofthethree-volumenovel，Cecily。Iwroteonemyselfinearlierdays。
CECILY。Didyoureally，MissPrism？Howwonderfullycleveryouare！Ihopeitdidnotendhappily？Idon’tlikenovelsthatendhappily。Theydepressmesomuch。
MISSPRISM。Thegoodendedhappily，andthebadunhappily。ThatiswhatFictionmeans。
CECILY。Isupposeso。Butitseemsveryunfair。Andwasyournoveleverpublished？
MISSPRISM。Alas！no。Themanuscriptunfortunatelywasabandoned。
[CECILYstarts。]Iusethewordinthesenseoflostormislaid。
Toyourwork，child，thesespeculationsareprofitless。
CECILY。[Smiling。]ButIseedearDr。Chasublecomingupthroughthegarden。
MISSPRISM。[Risingandadvancing。]Dr。Chasuble！Thisisindeedapleasure。
[EnterCANONCHASUBLE。]
CHASUBLE。Andhowarewethismorning？MissPrism，youare，I
trust，well？
CECILY。MissPrismhasjustbeencomplainingofaslightheadache。
IthinkitwoulddohersomuchgoodtohaveashortstrollwithyouinthePark，Dr。Chasuble。
MISSPRISM。Cecily，Ihavenotmentionedanythingaboutaheadache。
CECILY。No，dearMissPrism，Iknowthat，butIfeltinstinctivelythatyouhadaheadache。IndeedIwasthinkingaboutthat，andnotaboutmyGermanlesson，whentheRectorcamein。
CHASUBLE。Ihope，Cecily，youarenotinattentive。
CECILY。Oh，IamafraidIam。
CHASUBLE。Thatisstrange。WereIfortunateenoughtobeMissPrism’spupil，Iwouldhanguponherlips。[MISSPRISMglares。]I
spokemetaphorically-Mymetaphorwasdrawnfrombees。Ahem！
Mr。Worthing，Isuppose，hasnotreturnedfromtownyet？
MISSPRISM。WedonotexpecthimtillMondayafternoon。
CHASUBLE。Ahyes，heusuallylikestospendhisSundayinLondon。
Heisnotoneofthosewhosesoleaimisenjoyment，as，byallaccounts，thatunfortunateyoungmanhisbrotherseemstobe。ButImustnotdisturbEgeriaandherpupilanylonger。
MISSPRISM。Egeria？MynameisLaetitia，Doctor。
CHASUBLE。[Bowing。]Aclassicalallusionmerely，drawnfromthePaganauthors。IshallseeyoubothnodoubtatEvensong？
MISSPRISM。Ithink，dearDoctor，Iwillhaveastrollwithyou。
IfindIhaveaheadacheafterall，andawalkmightdoitgood。
CHASUBLE。Withpleasure，MissPrism，withpleasure。Wemightgoasfarastheschoolsandback。
MISSPRISM。Thatwouldbedelightful。Cecily，youwillreadyourPoliticalEconomyinmyabsence。ThechapterontheFalloftheRupeeyoumayomit。Itissomewhattoosensational。Eventhesemetallicproblemshavetheirmelodramaticside。
[GoesdownthegardenwithDR。CHASUBLE。]
CECILY。[Picksupbooksandthrowsthembackontable。]HorridPoliticalEconomy！HorridGeography！Horrid，horridGerman！
[EnterMERRIMANwithacardonasalver。]
MERRIMAN。Mr。ErnestWorthinghasjustdrivenoverfromthestation。Hehasbroughthisluggagewithhim。
CECILY。[Takesthecardandreadsit。]’Mr。ErnestWorthing，B。
4，TheAlbany，W。’UncleJack’sbrother！DidyoutellhimMr。
Worthingwasintown？
MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。Heseemedverymuchdisappointed。I
mentionedthatyouandMissPrismwereinthegarden。Hesaidhewasanxioustospeaktoyouprivatelyforamoment。
CECILY。AskMr。ErnestWorthingtocomehere。Isupposeyouhadbettertalktothehousekeeperaboutaroomforhim。
MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。
[MERRIMANgoesoff。]
CECILY。Ihavenevermetanyreallywickedpersonbefore。Ifeelratherfrightened。Iamsoafraidhewilllookjustlikeeveryoneelse。
[EnterALGERNON，verygayanddebonnair。]Hedoes！
ALGERNON。[Raisinghishat。]YouaremylittlecousinCecily，I’msure。
CECILY。Youareundersomestrangemistake。Iamnotlittle。Infact，IbelieveIammorethanusuallytallformyage。[ALGERNON
israthertakenaback。]ButIamyourcousinCecily。You，Iseefromyourcard，areUncleJack’sbrother，mycousinErnest，mywickedcousinErnest。
ALGERNON。Oh！Iamnotreallywickedatall，cousinCecily。Youmustn’tthinkthatIamwicked。
CECILY。Ifyouarenot，thenyouhavecertainlybeendeceivingusallinaveryinexcusablemanner。Ihopeyouhavenotbeenleadingadoublelife，pretendingtobewickedandbeingreallygoodallthetime。Thatwouldbehypocrisy。
ALGERNON。[Looksatherinamazement。]Oh！OfcourseIhavebeenratherreckless。
CECILY。Iamgladtohearit。
ALGERNON。Infact，nowyoumentionthesubject，Ihavebeenverybadinmyownsmallway。
CECILY。Idon’tthinkyoushouldbesoproudofthat，thoughIamsureitmusthavebeenverypleasant。
ALGERNON。Itismuchpleasanterbeingherewithyou。
CECILY。Ican’tunderstandhowyouarehereatall。UncleJackwon’tbebacktillMondayafternoon。
ALGERNON。Thatisagreatdisappointment。IamobligedtogoupbythefirsttrainonMondaymorning。IhaveabusinessappointmentthatIamanxious……tomiss？
CECILY。Couldn’tyoumissitanywherebutinLondon？
ALGERNON。No：theappointmentisinLondon。
CECILY。Well，Iknow，ofcourse，howimportantitisnottokeepabusinessengagement，ifonewantstoretainanysenseofthebeautyoflife，butstillIthinkyouhadbetterwaittillUncleJackarrives。Iknowhewantstospeaktoyouaboutyouremigrating。
ALGERNON。Aboutmywhat？
CECILY。Youremigrating。Hehasgoneuptobuyyouroutfit。
ALGERNON。Icertainlywouldn’tletJackbuymyoutfit。Hehasnotasteinnecktiesatall。
CECILY。Idon’tthinkyouwillrequireneckties。UncleJackissendingyoutoAustralia。
ALGERNON。Australia！I’dsoonerdie。
CECILY。Well，hesaidatdinneronWednesdaynight，thatyouwouldhavetochoosebetweenthisworld，thenextworld，andAustralia。
ALGERNON。Oh，well！TheaccountsIhavereceivedofAustraliaandthenextworld，arenotparticularlyencouraging。Thisworldisgoodenoughforme，cousinCecily。
CECILY。Yes，butareyougoodenoughforit？
ALGERNON。I’mafraidI’mnotthat。ThatiswhyIwantyoutoreformme。Youmightmakethatyourmission，ifyoudon’tmind，cousinCecily。
CECILY。I’mafraidI’venotime，thisafternoon。
ALGERNON。Well，wouldyoumindmyreformingmyselfthisafternoon？
CECILY。ItisratherQuixoticofyou。ButIthinkyoushouldtry。
ALGERNON。Iwill。Ifeelbetteralready。
CECILY。Youarelookingalittleworse。
ALGERNON。ThatisbecauseIamhungry。
CECILY。Howthoughtlessofme。Ishouldhaverememberedthatwhenoneisgoingtoleadanentirelynewlife，onerequiresregularandwholesomemeals。Won’tyoucomein？
ALGERNON。Thankyou。MightIhaveabuttonholefirst？IneverhaveanyappetiteunlessIhaveabuttonholefirst。
CECILY。AMarechalNiel？[Picksupscissors。]
ALGERNON。No，I’dsoonerhaveapinkrose。
CECILY。Why？[Cutsaflower。]
ALGERNON。Becauseyouarelikeapinkrose，CousinCecily。
CECILY。Idon’tthinkitcanberightforyoutotalktomelikethat。MissPrismneversayssuchthingstome。
ALGERNON。ThenMissPrismisashort-sightedoldlady。[CECILY
putstheroseinhisbuttonhole。]YouaretheprettiestgirlI
eversaw。
CECILY。MissPrismsaysthatallgoodlooksareasnare。
ALGERNON。Theyareasnarethateverysensiblemanwouldliketobecaughtin。
CECILY。Oh，Idon’tthinkIwouldcaretocatchasensibleman。I
shouldn’tknowwhattotalktohimabout。
[Theypassintothehouse。MISSPRISMandDR。CHASUBLEreturn。]
MISSPRISM。Youaretoomuchalone，dearDr。Chasuble。Youshouldgetmarried。AmisanthropeIcanunderstand-awomanthrope，never！
CHASUBLE。[Withascholar’sshudder。]Believeme，Idonotdeservesoneologisticaphrase。ThepreceptaswellasthepracticeofthePrimitiveChurchwasdistinctlyagainstmatrimony。
MISSPRISM。[Sententiously。]ThatisobviouslythereasonwhythePrimitiveChurchhasnotlasteduptothepresentday。Andyoudonotseemtorealise，dearDoctor，thatbypersistentlyremainingsingle，amanconvertshimselfintoapermanentpublictemptation。
Menshouldbemorecareful；thisverycelibacyleadsweakervesselsastray。
CHASUBLE。Butisamannotequallyattractivewhenmarried？
MISSPRISM。Nomarriedmaniseverattractiveexcepttohiswife。
CHASUBLE。Andoften，I’vebeentold，noteventoher。
MISSPRISM。Thatdependsontheintellectualsympathiesofthewoman。Maturitycanalwaysbedependedon。Ripenesscanbetrusted。Youngwomenaregreen。[DR。CHASUBLEstarts。]Ispokehorticulturally。Mymetaphorwasdrawnfromfruits。ButwhereisCecily？
CHASUBLE。Perhapsshefollowedustotheschools。
[EnterJACKslowlyfromthebackofthegarden。Heisdressedinthedeepestmourning，withcrapehatbandandblackgloves。]
MISSPRISM。Mr。Worthing！
CHASUBLE。Mr。Worthing？
MISSPRISM。Thisisindeedasurprise。WedidnotlookforyoutillMondayafternoon。
JACK。[ShakesMISSPRISM’Shandinatragicmanner。]IhavereturnedsoonerthanIexpected。Dr。Chasuble，Ihopeyouarewell？
CHASUBLE。DearMr。Worthing，Itrustthisgarbofwoedoesnotbetokensometerriblecalamity？
JACK。Mybrother。
MISSPRISM。Moreshamefuldebtsandextravagance？
CHASUBLE。Stillleadinghislifeofpleasure？
JACK。[Shakinghishead。]Dead！
CHASUBLE。YourbrotherErnestdead？
JACK。Quitedead。
MISSPRISM。Whatalessonforhim！Itrusthewillprofitbyit。
CHASUBLE。Mr。Worthing，Iofferyoumysincerecondolence。Youhaveatleasttheconsolationofknowingthatyouwerealwaysthemostgenerousandforgivingofbrothers。
JACK。PoorErnest！Hehadmanyfaults，butitisasad，sadblow。
CHASUBLE。Verysadindeed。Wereyouwithhimattheend？
JACK。No。Hediedabroad；inParis，infact。IhadatelegramlastnightfromthemanageroftheGrandHotel。
CHASUBLE。Wasthecauseofdeathmentioned？
JACK。Aseverechill，itseems。
MISSPRISM。Asamansows，soshallhereap。
CHASUBLE。[Raisinghishand。]Charity，dearMissPrism，charity！
Noneofusareperfect。Imyselfampeculiarlysusceptibletodraughts。Willtheintermenttakeplacehere？
JACK。No。HeseemstohaveexpressedadesiretobeburiedinParis。
CHASUBLE。InParis！[Shakeshishead。]Ifearthathardlypointstoanyveryseriousstateofmindatthelast。YouwouldnodoubtwishmetomakesomeslightallusiontothistragicdomesticafflictionnextSunday。[JACKpresseshishandconvulsively。]Mysermononthemeaningofthemannainthewildernesscanbeadaptedtoalmostanyoccasion，joyful，or，asinthepresentcase，distressing。[Allsigh。]Ihavepreacheditatharvestcelebrations，christenings，confirmations，ondaysofhumiliationandfestaldays。ThelasttimeIdelivereditwasintheCathedral，asacharitysermononbehalfoftheSocietyforthePreventionofDiscontentamongtheUpperOrders。TheBishop，whowaspresent，wasmuchstruckbysomeoftheanalogiesIdrew。
JACK。Ah！thatremindsme，youmentionedchristeningsIthink，Dr。
Chasuble？Isupposeyouknowhowtochristenallright？[DR。
CHASUBLElooksastounded。]Imean，ofcourse，youarecontinuallychristening，aren’tyou？
MISSPRISM。Itis，Iregrettosay，oneoftheRector’smostconstantdutiesinthisparish。Ihaveoftenspokentothepoorerclassesonthesubject。Buttheydon’tseemtoknowwhatthriftis。
CHASUBLE。Butisthereanyparticularinfantinwhomyouareinterested，Mr。Worthing？Yourbrotherwas，Ibelieve，unmarried，washenot？
JACK。Ohyes。
MISSPRISM。[Bitterly。]Peoplewholiveentirelyforpleasureusuallyare。
JACK。Butitisnotforanychild，dearDoctor。Iamveryfondofchildren。No！thefactis，Iwouldliketobechristenedmyself，thisafternoon，ifyouhavenothingbettertodo。
CHASUBLE。Butsurely，Mr。Worthing，youhavebeenchristenedalready？
JACK。Idon’trememberanythingaboutit。
CHASUBLE。Buthaveyouanygravedoubtsonthesubject？
JACK。Icertainlyintendtohave。OfcourseIdon’tknowifthethingwouldbotheryouinanyway，orifyouthinkIamalittletoooldnow。
CHASUBLE。Notatall。Thesprinkling，and，indeed，theimmersionofadultsisaperfectlycanonicalpractice。
JACK。Immersion！
CHASUBLE。Youneedhavenoapprehensions。Sprinklingisallthatisnecessary，orindeedIthinkadvisable。Ourweatherissochangeable。Atwhathourwouldyouwishtheceremonyperformed？
JACK。Oh，Imighttrotroundaboutfiveifthatwouldsuityou。
CHASUBLE。Perfectly，perfectly！InfactIhavetwosimilarceremoniestoperformatthattime。Acaseoftwinsthatoccurredrecentlyinoneoftheoutlyingcottagesonyourownestate。PoorJenkinsthecarter，amosthard-workingman。
JACK。Oh！Idon’tseemuchfuninbeingchristenedalongwithotherbabies。Itwouldbechildish。Wouldhalf-pastfivedo？
CHASUBLE。Admirably！Admirably！[Takesoutwatch。]Andnow，dearMr。Worthing，Iwillnotintrudeanylongerintoahouseofsorrow。Iwouldmerelybegyounottobetoomuchboweddownbygrief。Whatseemtousbittertrialsareoftenblessingsindisguise。
MISSPRISM。Thisseemstomeablessingofanextremelyobviouskind。
[EnterCECILYfromthehouse。]
CECILY。UncleJack！Oh，Iampleasedtoseeyouback。Butwhathorridclothesyouhavegoton！Dogoandchangethem。
MISSPRISM。Cecily！
CHASUBLE。Mychild！mychild！[CECILYgoestowardsJACK；hekissesherbrowinamelancholymanner。]
CECILY。Whatisthematter，UncleJack？Dolookhappy！Youlookasifyouhadtoothache，andIhavegotsuchasurpriseforyou。
Whodoyouthinkisinthedining-room？Yourbrother！
JACK。Who？
CECILY。YourbrotherErnest。Hearrivedabouthalfanhourago。
JACK。Whatnonsense！Ihaven’tgotabrother。
CECILY。Oh，don’tsaythat。Howeverbadlyhemayhavebehavedtoyouinthepastheisstillyourbrother。Youcouldn’tbesoheartlessastodisownhim。I’lltellhimtocomeout。Andyouwillshakehandswithhim，won’tyou，UncleJack？[Runsbackintothehouse。]
CHASUBLE。Theseareveryjoyfultidings。
MISSPRISM。Afterwehadallbeenresignedtohisloss，hissuddenreturnseemstomepeculiarlydistressing。
JACK。Mybrotherisinthedining-room？Idon’tknowwhatitallmeans。Ithinkitisperfectlyabsurd。
[EnterALGERNONandCECILYhandinhand。TheycomeslowlyuptoJACK。]
JACK。Goodheavens！[MotionsALGERNONaway。]
ALGERNON。BrotherJohn，IhavecomedownfromtowntotellyouthatIamverysorryforallthetroubleIhavegivenyou，andthatIintendtoleadabetterlifeinthefuture。[JACKglaresathimanddoesnottakehishand。]
CECILY。UncleJack，youarenotgoingtorefuseyourownbrother’shand？
JACK。Nothingwillinducemetotakehishand。Ithinkhiscomingdownheredisgraceful。Heknowsperfectlywellwhy。
CECILY。UncleJack，dobenice。Thereissomegoodineveryone。
ErnesthasjustbeentellingmeabouthispoorinvalidfriendMr。
Bunburywhomhegoestovisitsooften。Andsurelytheremustbemuchgoodinonewhoiskindtoaninvalid，andleavesthepleasuresofLondontositbyabedofpain。
JACK。Oh！hehasbeentalkingaboutBunbury，hashe？
CECILY。Yes，hehastoldmeallaboutpoorMr。Bunbury，andhisterriblestateofhealth。
JACK。Bunbury！Well，Iwon’thavehimtalktoyouaboutBunburyoraboutanythingelse。Itisenoughtodriveoneperfectlyfrantic。
ALGERNON。OfcourseIadmitthatthefaultswereallonmyside。
ButImustsaythatIthinkthatBrotherJohn’scoldnesstomeispeculiarlypainful。Iexpectedamoreenthusiasticwelcome，especiallyconsideringitisthefirsttimeIhavecomehere。
CECILY。UncleJack，ifyoudon’tshakehandswithErnestIwillneverforgiveyou。
JACK。Neverforgiveme？
CECILY。Never，never，never！
JACK。Well，thisisthelasttimeIshalleverdoit。[ShakeswithALGERNONandglares。]
CHASUBLE。It’spleasant，isitnot，toseesoperfectareconciliation？Ithinkwemightleavethetwobrotherstogether。
MISSPRISM。Cecily，youwillcomewithus。
CECILY。Certainly，MissPrism。Mylittletaskofreconciliationisover。
CHASUBLE。Youhavedoneabeautifulactionto-day，dearchild。
MISSPRISM。Wemustnotbeprematureinourjudgments。
CECILY。Ifeelveryhappy。[TheyallgooffexceptJACKandALGERNON。]
JACK。Youyoungscoundrel，Algy，youmustgetoutofthisplaceassoonaspossible。Idon’tallowanyBunburyinghere。
[EnterMERRIMAN。]
MERRIMAN。IhaveputMr。Ernest’sthingsintheroomnexttoyours，sir。Isupposethatisallright？
JACK。What？
MERRIMAN。Mr。Ernest’sluggage，sir。Ihaveunpackeditandputitintheroomnexttoyourown。
JACK。Hisluggage？
MERRIMAN。Yes，sir。Threeportmanteaus，adressing-case，twohat-
boxes，andalargeluncheon-basket。
ALGERNON。IamafraidIcan’tstaymorethanaweekthistime。
JACK。Merriman，orderthedog-cartatonce。Mr。Ernesthasbeensuddenlycalledbacktotown。
MERRIMAN。Yes，sir。[Goesbackintothehouse。]
ALGERNON。Whatafearfulliaryouare，Jack。Ihavenotbeencalledbacktotownatall。
JACK。Yes，youhave。
ALGERNON。Ihaven’theardanyonecallme。
JACK。Yourdutyasagentlemancallsyouback。
ALGERNON。Mydutyasagentlemanhasneverinterferedwithmypleasuresinthesmallestdegree。
JACK。Icanquiteunderstandthat。
ALGERNON。Well，Cecilyisadarling。
JACK。YouarenottotalkofMissCardewlikethat。Idon’tlikeit。
ALGERNON。Well，Idon’tlikeyourclothes。Youlookperfectlyridiculousinthem。Whyonearthdon’tyougoupandchange？Itisperfectlychildishtobeindeepmourningforamanwhoisactuallystayingforawholeweekwithyouinyourhouseasaguest。Icallitgrotesque。
JACK。Youarecertainlynotstayingwithmeforawholeweekasaguestoranythingelse。Youhavegottoleave……bythefour-
fivetrain。
ALGERNON。Icertainlywon’tleaveyousolongasyouareinmourning。Itwouldbemostunfriendly。IfIwereinmourningyouwouldstaywithme，Isuppose。Ishouldthinkitveryunkindifyoudidn’t。
JACK。Well，willyougoifIchangemyclothes？
ALGERNON。Yes，ifyouarenottoolong。Ineversawanybodytakesolongtodress，andwithsuchlittleresult。
JACK。Well，atanyrate，thatisbetterthanbeingalwaysover-
dressedasyouare。
ALGERNON。IfIamoccasionallyalittleover-dressed，Imakeupforitbybeingalwaysimmenselyover-educated。
JACK。Yourvanityisridiculous，yourconductanoutrage，andyourpresenceinmygardenutterlyabsurd。However，youhavegottocatchthefour-five，andIhopeyouwillhaveapleasantjourneybacktotown。ThisBunburying，asyoucallit，hasnotbeenagreatsuccessforyou。
[Goesintothehouse。]
ALGERNON。Ithinkithasbeenagreatsuccess。I’minlovewithCecily，andthatiseverything。
[EnterCECILYatthebackofthegarden。Shepicksupthecanandbeginstowatertheflowers。]ButImustseeherbeforeIgo，andmakearrangementsforanotherBunbury。Ah，theresheis。
CECILY。Oh，Imerelycamebacktowatertheroses。IthoughtyouwerewithUncleJack。
ALGERNON。He’sgonetoorderthedog-cartforme。
CECILY。Oh，ishegoingtotakeyouforanicedrive？
ALGERNON。He’sgoingtosendmeaway。
CECILY。Thenhavewegottopart？
ALGERNON。Iamafraidso。It’saverypainfulparting。
CECILY。Itisalwayspainfultopartfrompeoplewhomonehasknownforaverybriefspaceoftime。Theabsenceofoldfriendsonecanendurewithequanimity。Butevenamomentaryseparationfromanyonetowhomonehasjustbeenintroducedisalmostunbearable。
ALGERNON。Thankyou。
[EnterMERRIMAN。]
MERRIMAN。Thedog-cartisatthedoor，sir。[ALGERNONlooksappealinglyatCECILY。]
CECILY。Itcanwait，Merrimanfor……fiveminutes。
MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。[ExitMERRIMAN。]
ALGERNON。Ihope，Cecily，IshallnotoffendyouifIstatequitefranklyandopenlythatyouseemtometobeineverywaythevisiblepersonificationofabsoluteperfection。
CECILY。Ithinkyourfranknessdoesyougreatcredit，Ernest。Ifyouwillallowme，Iwillcopyyourremarksintomydiary。[Goesovertotableandbeginswritingindiary。]
ALGERNON。Doyoureallykeepadiary？I’dgiveanythingtolookatit。MayI？
CECILY。Ohno。[Putsherhandoverit。]Yousee，itissimplyaveryyounggirl’srecordofherownthoughtsandimpressions，andconsequentlymeantforpublication。WhenitappearsinvolumeformIhopeyouwillorderacopy。Butpray，Ernest，don’tstop。I
delightintakingdownfromdictation。Ihavereached’absoluteperfection’。Youcangoon。Iamquitereadyformore。
ALGERNON。[Somewhattakenaback。]Ahem！Ahem！
CECILY。Oh，don’tcough，Ernest。Whenoneisdictatingoneshouldspeakfluentlyandnotcough。Besides，Idon’tknowhowtospellacough。[WritesasALGERNONspeaks。]
ALGERNON。[Speakingveryrapidly。]Cecily，eversinceIfirstlookeduponyourwonderfulandincomparablebeauty，Ihavedaredtoloveyouwildly，passionately，devotedly，hopelessly。
CECILY。Idon’tthinkthatyoushouldtellmethatyoulovemewildly，passionately，devotedly，hopelessly。Hopelesslydoesn’tseemtomakemuchsense，doesit？
ALGERNON。Cecily！
[EnterMERRIMAN。]
MERRIMAN。Thedog-cartiswaiting，sir。
ALGERNON。Tellittocomeroundnextweek，atthesamehour。
MERRIMAN。[LooksatCECILY，whomakesnosign。]Yes，sir。
[MERRIMANretires。]
CECILY。UncleJackwouldbeverymuchannoyedifheknewyouwerestayingontillnextweek，atthesamehour。
ALGERNON。Oh，Idon’tcareaboutJack。Idon’tcareforanybodyinthewholeworldbutyou。Iloveyou，Cecily。Youwillmarryme，won’tyou？
CECILY。Yousillyboy！Ofcourse。Why，wehavebeenengagedforthelastthreemonths。
ALGERNON。Forthelastthreemonths？
CECILY。Yes，itwillbeexactlythreemonthsonThursday。
ALGERNON。Buthowdidwebecomeengaged？
CECILY。Well，eversincedearUncleJackfirstconfessedtousthathehadayoungerbrotherwhowasverywickedandbad，youofcoursehaveformedthechieftopicofconversationbetweenmyselfandMissPrism。Andofcourseamanwhoismuchtalkedaboutisalwaysveryattractive。Onefeelstheremustbesomethinginhim，afterall。Idaresayitwasfoolishofme，butIfellinlovewithyou，Ernest。
ALGERNON。Darling！Andwhenwastheengagementactuallysettled？
CECILY。Onthe14thofFebruarylast。Wornoutbyyourentireignoranceofmyexistence，Ideterminedtoendthematteronewayortheother，andafteralongstrugglewithmyselfIacceptedyouunderthisdearoldtreehere。ThenextdayIboughtthislittleringinyourname，andthisisthelittlebanglewiththetruelover’sknotIpromisedyoualwaystowear。
ALGERNON。DidIgiveyouthis？It’sverypretty，isn’tit？
CECILY。Yes，you’vewonderfullygoodtaste，Ernest。It’stheexcuseI’vealwaysgivenforyourleadingsuchabadlife。AndthisistheboxinwhichIkeepallyourdearletters。[Kneelsattable，opensbox，andproducesletterstiedupwithblueribbon。]
ALGERNON。Myletters！But，myownsweetCecily，Ihaveneverwrittenyouanyletters。
CECILY。Youneedhardlyremindmeofthat，Ernest。IrememberonlytoowellthatIwasforcedtowriteyourlettersforyou。I
wrotealwaysthreetimesaweek，andsometimesoftener。
ALGERNON。Oh，doletmereadthem，Cecily？
CECILY。Oh，Icouldn’tpossibly。Theywouldmakeyoufartooconceited。[Replacesbox。]ThethreeyouwrotemeafterIhadbrokenoftheengagementaresobeautiful，andsobadlyspelled，thatevennowIcanhardlyreadthemwithoutcryingalittle。
ALGERNON。Butwasourengagementeverbrokenoff？
CECILY。Ofcourseitwas。Onthe22ndoflastMarch。Youcanseetheentryifyoulike。[Showsdiary。]’To-dayIbrokeoffmyengagementwithErnest。Ifeelitisbettertodoso。Theweatherstillcontinuescharming。’
ALGERNON。Butwhyonearthdidyoubreakitof？WhathadIdone？
Ihaddonenothingatall。Cecily，Iamverymuchhurtindeedtohearyoubrokeitoff。Particularlywhentheweatherwassocharming。
CECILY。Itwouldhardlyhavebeenareallyseriousengagementifithadn’tbeenbrokenoffatleastonce。ButIforgaveyoubeforetheweekwasout。
ALGERNON。[Crossingtoher，andkneeling。]Whataperfectangelyouare，Cecily。
CECILY。Youdearromanticboy。[Hekissesher，sheputsherfingersthroughhishair。]Ihopeyourhaircurlsnaturally，doesit？
ALGERNON。Yes，darling，withalittlehelpfromothers。
CECILY。Iamsoglad。
ALGERNON。You’llneverbreakofourengagementagain，Cecily？
CECILY。Idon’tthinkIcouldbreakitoffnowthatIhaveactuallymetyou。Besides，ofcourse，thereisthequestionofyourname。
ALGERNON。Yes，ofcourse。[Nervously。]
CECILY。Youmustnotlaughatme，darling，butithadalwaysbeenagirlishdreamofminetolovesomeonewhosenamewasErnest。
[ALGERNONrises，CECILYalso。]Thereissomethinginthatnamethatseemstoinspireabsoluteconfidence。IpityanypoormarriedwomanwhosehusbandisnotcalledErnest。
ALGERNON。But，mydearchild，doyoumeantosayyoucouldnotlovemeifIhadsomeothername？
CECILY。Butwhatname？
ALGERNON。Oh，anynameyoulike-Algernon-forinstance……
CECILY。ButIdon’tlikethenameofAlgernon。
ALGERNON。Well，myowndear，sweet，lovinglittledarling，I
reallycan’tseewhyyoushouldobjecttothenameofAlgernon。Itisnotatallabadname。Infact，itisratheranaristocraticname。HalfofthechapswhogetintotheBankruptcyCourtarecalledAlgernon。Butseriously，Cecily……[Movingtoher]……
ifmynamewasAlgy，couldn’tyouloveme？
CECILY。[Rising。]Imightrespectyou，Ernest，Imightadmireyourcharacter，butIfearthatIshouldnotbeabletogiveyoumyundividedattention。
ALGERNON。Ahem！Cecily！[Pickinguphat。]YourRectorhereis，Isuppose，thoroughlyexperiencedinthepracticeofalltheritesandceremonialsoftheChurch？
CECILY。Oh，yes。Dr。Chasubleisamostlearnedman。Hehasneverwrittenasinglebook，soyoucanimaginehowmuchheknows。
ALGERNON。Imustseehimatonceonamostimportantchristening-
Imeanonmostimportantbusiness。
CECILY。Oh！
ALGERNON。Ishan’tbeawaymorethanhalfanhour。
CECILY。ConsideringthatwehavebeenengagedsinceFebruarythe14th，andthatIonlymetyouto-dayforthefirsttime，Ithinkitisratherhardthatyoushouldleavemeforsolongaperiodashalfanhour。Couldn’tyoumakeittwentyminutes？
ALGERNON。I’llbebackinnotime。
[Kissesherandrushesdownthegarden。]
CECILY。Whatanimpetuousboyheis！Ilikehishairsomuch。I
mustenterhisproposalinmydiary。
[EnterMERRIMAN。]
MERRIMAN。AMissFairfaxhasjustcalledtoseeMr。Worthing。Onveryimportantbusiness，MissFairfaxstates。
CECILY。Isn’tMr。Worthinginhislibrary？
MERRIMAN。Mr。WorthingwentoverinthedirectionoftheRectorysometimeago。
CECILY。Prayasktheladytocomeouthere；Mr。Worthingissuretobebacksoon。Andyoucanbringtea。
MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。[Goesout。]
CECILY。MissFairfax！IsupposeoneofthemanygoodelderlywomenwhoareassociatedwithUncleJackinsomeofhisphilanthropicworkinLondon。Idon’tquitelikewomenwhoareinterestedinphilanthropicwork。Ithinkitissoforwardofthem。
[EnterMERRIMAN。]
MERRIMAN。MissFairfax。
[EnterGWENDOLEN。]
[ExitMERRIMAN。]
CECILY。[Advancingtomeether。]Prayletmeintroducemyselftoyou。MynameisCecilyCardew。
GWENDOLEN。CecilyCardew？[Movingtoherandshakinghands。]
Whataverysweetname！Somethingtellsmethatwearegoingtobegreatfriends。IlikeyoualreadymorethanIcansay。Myfirstimpressionsofpeopleareneverwrong。
CECILY。Howniceofyoutolikemesomuchafterwehaveknowneachothersuchacomparativelyshorttime。Praysitdown。
GWENDOLEN。[Stillstandingup。]ImaycallyouCecily，mayInot？
CECILY。Withpleasure！
GWENDOLEN。AndyouwillalwayscallmeGwendolen，won’tyou？
CECILY。Ifyouwish。
GWENDOLEN。Thenthatisallquitesettled，isitnot？
CECILY。Ihopeso。[Apause。Theybothsitdowntogether。]
GWENDOLEN。PerhapsthismightbeafavourableopportunityformymentioningwhoIam。MyfatherisLordBracknell。Youhaveneverheardofpapa，Isuppose？
CECILY。Idon’tthinkso。
GWENDOLEN。Outsidethefamilycircle，papa，Iamgladtosay，isentirelyunknown。Ithinkthatisquiteasitshouldbe。Thehomeseemstometobetheproperspherefortheman。Andcertainlyonceamanbeginstoneglecthisdomesticdutieshebecomespainfullyeffeminate，doeshenot？AndIdon’tlikethat。Itmakesmensoveryattractive。Cecily，mamma，whoseviewsoneducationareremarkablystrict，hasbroughtmeuptobeextremelyshort-sighted；itispartofhersystem；sodoyoumindmylookingatyouthroughmyglasses？
CECILY。Oh！notatall，Gwendolen。Iamveryfondofbeinglookedat。
GWENDOLEN。[AfterexaminingCECILYcarefullythroughalorgnette。]
Youarehereonashortvisit，Isuppose。
CECILY。Ohno！Ilivehere。
GWENDOLEN。[Severely。]Really？Yourmother，nodoubt，orsomefemalerelativeofadvancedyears，residesherealso？
CECILY。Ohno！Ihavenomother，nor，infact，anyrelations。
GWENDOLEN。Indeed？
CECILY。Mydearguardian，withtheassistanceofMissPrism，hasthearduoustaskoflookingafterme。
GWENDOLEN。Yourguardian？
CECILY。Yes，IamMr。Worthing’sward。
GWENDOLEN。Oh！Itisstrangehenevermentionedtomethathehadaward。Howsecretiveofhim！Hegrowsmoreinterestinghourly。
Iamnotsure，however，thatthenewsinspiresmewithfeelingsofunmixeddelight。[Risingandgoingtoher。]Iamveryfondofyou，Cecily；IhavelikedyoueversinceImetyou！ButIamboundtostatethatnowthatIknowthatyouareMr。Worthing’sward，I
cannothelpexpressingawishyouwere-well，justalittleolderthanyouseemtobe-andnotquitesoveryalluringinappearance。
Infact，ifImayspeakcandidly-
CECILY。Praydo！Ithinkthatwheneveronehasanythingunpleasanttosay，oneshouldalwaysbequitecandid。
GWENDOLEN。Well，tospeakwithperfectcandour，Cecily，Iwishthatyouwerefullyforty-two，andmorethanusuallyplainforyourage。Ernesthasastronguprightnature。Heistheverysouloftruthandhonour。Disloyaltywouldbeasimpossibletohimasdeception。Butevenmenofthenoblestpossiblemoralcharacterareextremelysusceptibletotheinfluenceofthephysicalcharmsofothers。Modern，nolessthanAncientHistory，suppliesuswithmanymostpainfulexamplesofwhatIreferto。Ifitwerenotso，indeed，Historywouldbequiteunreadable。
CECILY。Ibegyourpardon，Gwendolen，didyousayErnest？
GWENDOLEN。Yes。
CECILY。Oh，butitisnotMr。ErnestWorthingwhoismyguardian。
Itishisbrother-hiselderbrother。
GWENDOLEN。[Sittingdownagain。]Ernestnevermentionedtomethathehadabrother。
CECILY。Iamsorrytosaytheyhavenotbeenongoodtermsforalongtime。
GWENDOLEN。Ah！thataccountsforit。AndnowthatIthinkofitI
haveneverheardanymanmentionhisbrother。Thesubjectseemsdistastefultomostmen。Cecily，youhaveliftedaloadfrommymind。Iwasgrowingalmostanxious。Itwouldhavebeenterribleifanycloudhadcomeacrossafriendshiplikeours，woulditnot？
Ofcourseyouarequite，quitesurethatitisnotMr。ErnestWorthingwhoisyourguardian？
CECILY。Quitesure。[Apause。]Infact，Iamgoingtobehis。
GWENDOLEN。[Inquiringly。]Ibegyourpardon？
CECILY。[Rathershyandconfidingly。]DearestGwendolen，thereisnoreasonwhyIshouldmakeasecretofittoyou。Ourlittlecountynewspaperissuretochroniclethefactnextweek。Mr。
ErnestWorthingandIareengagedtobemarried。
GWENDOLEN。[Quitepolitely，rising。]MydarlingCecily，Ithinktheremustbesomeslighterror。Mr。ErnestWorthingisengagedtome。TheannouncementwillappearintheMORNINGPOSTonSaturdayatthelatest。
CECILY。[Verypolitely，rising。]Iamafraidyoumustbeundersomemisconception。Ernestproposedtomeexactlytenminutesago。
[Showsdiary。]
GWENDOLEN。[Examinesdiarythroughherlorgnetttecarefully。]Itiscertainlyverycurious，forheaskedmetobehiswifeyesterdayafternoonat5。30。Ifyouwouldcaretoverifytheincident，praydoso。[Producesdiaryofherown。]Inevertravelwithoutmydiary。Oneshouldalwayshavesomethingsensationaltoreadinthetrain。Iamsosorry，dearCecily，ifitisanydisappointmenttoyou，butIamafraidIhavethepriorclaim。
CECILY。ItwoulddistressmemorethanIcantellyou，dearGwendolen，ifitcausedyouanymentalorphysicalanguish，butI
feelboundtopointoutthatsinceErnestproposedtoyouheclearlyhaschangedhismind。
GWENDOLEN。[Meditatively。]IfthepoorfellowhasbeenentrappedintoanyfoolishpromiseIshallconsideritmydutytorescuehimatonce，andwithafirmhand。
CECILY。[Thoughtfullyandsadly。]Whateverunfortunateentanglementmydearboymayhavegotinto，Iwillneverreproachhimwithitafterwearemarried。
GWENDOLEN。Doyoualludetome，MissCardew，asanentanglement？
Youarepresumptuous。Onanoccasionofthiskinditbecomesmorethanamoraldutytospeakone’smind。Itbecomesapleasure。
CECILY。Doyousuggest，MissFairfax，thatIentrappedErnestintoanengagement？Howdareyou？Thisisnotimeforwearingtheshallowmaskofmanners。WhenIseeaspadeIcallitaspade。
GWENDOLEN。[Satirically。]IamgladtosaythatIhaveneverseenaspade。Itisobviousthatoursocialsphereshavebeenwidelydifferent。
[EnterMERRIMAN，followedbythefootman。Hecarriesasalver，tablecloth，andplatestand。CECILYisabouttoretort。Thepresenceoftheservantsexercisesarestraininginfluence，underwhichbothgirlschafe。]
MERRIMAN。ShallIlayteahereasusual，Miss？
CECILY。[Sternly，inacalmvoice。]Yes，asusual。[MERRIMAN
beginstocleartableandlaycloth。Alongpause。CECILYandGWENDOLENglareateachother。]
GWENDOLEN。Aretheremanyinterestingwalksinthevicinity，MissCardew？
CECILY。Oh！yes！agreatmany。Fromthetopofoneofthehillsquitecloseonecanseefivecounties。
GWENDOLEN。Fivecounties！Idon’tthinkIshouldlikethat；I
hatecrowds。
CECILY。[Sweetly。]Isupposethatiswhyyouliveintown？
[GWENDOLENbitesherlip，andbeatsherfootnervouslywithherparasol。]
GWENDOLEN。[Lookinground。]Quiteawell-keptgardenthisis，MissCardew。
CECILY。Sogladyoulikeit，MissFairfax。
GWENDOLEN。Ihadnoideatherewereanyflowersinthecountry。
CECILY。Oh，flowersareascommonhere，MissFairfax，aspeopleareinLondon。
GWENDOLEN。PersonallyIcannotunderstandhowanybodymanagestoexistinthecountry，ifanybodywhoisanybodydoes。Thecountryalwaysboresmetodeath。
CECILY。Ah！Thisiswhatthenewspaperscallagriculturaldepression，isitnot？Ibelievethearistocracyaresufferingverymuchfromitjustatpresent。Itisalmostanepidemicamongstthem，Ihavebeentold。MayIofferyousometea，MissFairfax？
GWENDOLEN。[Withelaboratepoliteness。]Thankyou。[Aside。]
Detestablegirl！ButIrequiretea！
CECILY。[Sweetly。]Sugar？
GWENDOLEN。[Superciliously。]No，thankyou。Sugarisnotfashionableanymore。[CECILYlooksangrilyather，takesupthetongsandputsfourlumpsofsugarintothecup。]
CECILY。[Severely。]Cakeorbreadandbutter？
GWENDOLEN。[Inaboredmanner。]Breadandbutter，please。Cakeisrarelyseenatthebesthousesnowadays。
CECILY。[Cutsaverylargesliceofcake，andputsitonthetray。]HandthattoMissFairfax。
[MERRIMANdoesso，andgoesoutwithfootman。GWENDOLENdrinkstheteaandmakesagrimace。Putsdowncupatonce，reachesoutherhandtothebreadandbutter，looksatit，andfindsitiscake。
Risesinindignation。]
GWENDOLEN。Youhavefilledmyteawithlumpsofsugar，andthoughIaskedmostdistinctlyforbreadandbutter，youhavegivenmecake。Iamknownforthegentlenessofmydisposition，andtheextraordinarysweetnessofmynature，butIwarnyou，MissCardew，youmaygotoofar。
CECILY。[Rising。]Tosavemypoor，innocent，trustingboyfromthemachinationsofanyothergirltherearenolengthstowhichI
wouldnotgo。
GWENDOLEN。FromthemomentIsawyouIdistrustedyou。Ifeltthatyouwerefalseanddeceitful。Iamneverdeceivedinsuchmatters。Myfirstimpressionsofpeopleareinvariablyright。
CECILY。Itseemstome，MissFairfax，thatIamtrespassingonyourvaluabletime。Nodoubtyouhavemanyothercallsofasimilarcharactertomakeintheneighbourhood。
[EnterJACK。]
GWENDOLEN。[Catchingsightofhim。]Ernest！MyownErnest！
JACK。Gwendolen！Darling！[Offerstokissher。]
GWENDOLEN。[Drawsback。]Amoment！MayIaskifyouareengagedtobemarriedtothisyounglady？[PointstoCECILY。]
JACK。[Laughing。]TodearlittleCecily！Ofcoursenot！Whatcouldhaveputsuchanideaintoyourprettylittlehead？
GWENDOLEN。Thankyou。Youmay！[Offershercheek。]
CECILY。[Verysweetly。]Iknewtheremustbesomemisunderstanding，MissFairfax。Thegentlemanwhosearmisatpresentroundyourwaistismyguardian，Mr。JohnWorthing。
GWENDOLEN。Ibegyourpardon？
CECILY。ThisisUncleJack。
GWENDOLEN。[Receding。]Jack！Oh！
[EnterALGERNON。]
CECILY。HereisErnest。
ALGERNON。[GoesstraightovertoCECILYwithoutnoticinganyoneelse。]Myownlove！[Offerstokissher。]
CECILY。[Drawingback。]Amoment，Ernest！MayIaskyou-areyouengagedtobemarriedtothisyounglady？
ALGERNON。[Lookinground。]Towhatyounglady？Goodheavens！
Gwendolen！
CECILY。Yes！togoodheavens，Gwendolen，ImeantoGwendolen。
ALGERNON。[Laughing。]Ofcoursenot！Whatcouldhaveputsuchanideaintoyourprettylittlehead？
CECILY。Thankyou。[Presentinghercheektobekissed。]Youmay。
[ALGERNONkissesher。]
GWENDOLEN。Ifelttherewassomeslighterror，MissCardew。Thegentlemanwhoisnowembracingyouismycousin，Mr。AlgernonMoncrieff。
CECILY。[BreakingawayfromALGERNON。]AlgernonMoncrieff！Oh！
[Thetwogirlsmovetowardseachotherandputtheirarmsroundeachother’swaistsprotection。]
CECILY。AreyoucalledAlgernon？
ALGERNON。Icannotdenyit。
CECILY。Oh！
GWENDOLEN。IsyournamereallyJohn？
JACK。[Standingratherproudly。]IcoulddenyitifIliked。I
coulddenyanythingifIliked。ButmynamecertainlyisJohn。IthasbeenJohnforyears。
CECILY。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Agrossdeceptionhasbeenpractisedonbothofus。
GWENDOLEN。MypoorwoundedCecily！
CECILY。MysweetwrongedGwendolen！
GWENDOLEN。[Slowlyandseriously。]Youwillcallmesister，willyounot？[Theyembrace。JACKandALGERNONgroanandwalkupanddown。]
CECILY。[Ratherbrightly。]ThereisjustonequestionIwouldliketobeallowedtoaskmyguardian。
GWENDOLEN。Anadmirableidea！Mr。Worthing，thereisjustonequestionIwouldliketobepermittedtoputtoyou。WhereisyourbrotherErnest？WearebothengagedtobemarriedtoyourbrotherErnest，soitisamatterofsomeimportancetoustoknowwhereyourbrotherErnestisatpresent。
JACK。[Slowlyandhesitatingly。]Gwendolen-Cecily-itisverypainfulformetobeforcedtospeakthetruth。ItisthefirsttimeinmylifethatIhaveeverbeenreducedtosuchapainfulposition，andIamreallyquiteinexperiencedindoinganythingofthekind。However，IwilltellyouquitefranklythatIhavenobrotherErnest。Ihavenobrotheratall。Ineverhadabrotherinmylife，andIcertainlyhavenotthesmallestintentionofeverhavingoneinthefuture。