CECILY。[Surprised。]Nobrotheratall？
JACK。[Cheerily。]None！
GWENDOLEN。[Severely。]Hadyouneverabrotherofanykind？
JACK。[Pleasantly。]Never。Notevenofankind。
GWENDOLEN。Iamafraiditisquiteclear，Cecily，thatneitherofusisengagedtobemarriedtoanyone。
CECILY。Itisnotaverypleasantpositionforayounggirlsuddenlytofindherselfin。Isit？
GWENDOLEN。Letusgointothehouse。Theywillhardlyventuretocomeafterusthere。
CECILY。No，menaresocowardly，aren’tthey？
[Theyretireintothehousewithscornfullooks。]
JACK。ThisghastlystateofthingsiswhatyoucallBunburying，I
suppose？
ALGERNON。Yes，andaperfectlywonderfulBunburyitis。ThemostwonderfulBunburyIhaveeverhadinmylife。
JACK。Well，you’venorightwhatsoevertoBunburyhere。
ALGERNON。Thatisabsurd。OnehasarighttoBunburyanywhereonechooses。EveryseriousBunburyistknowsthat。
JACK。SeriousBunburyist！Goodheavens！
ALGERNON。Well，onemustbeseriousaboutsomething，ifonewantstohaveanyamusementinlife。IhappentobeseriousaboutBunburying。WhatonearthyouareseriousaboutIhaven’tgottheremotestidea。Abouteverything，Ishouldfancy。Youhavesuchanabsolutelytrivialnature。
JACK。Well，theonlysmallsatisfactionIhaveinthewholeofthiswretchedbusinessisthatyourfriendBunburyisquiteexploded。Youwon’tbeabletorundowntothecountryquitesooftenasyouusedtodo，dearAlgy。Andaverygoodthingtoo。
ALGERNON。Yourbrotherisalittleoffcolour，isn’the，dearJack？Youwon’tbeabletodisappeartoLondonquitesofrequentlyasyourwickedcustomwas。Andnotabadthingeither。
JACK。AsforyourconducttowardsMissCardew，Imustsaythatyourtakinginasweet，simple，innocentgirllikethatisquiteinexcusable。Tosaynothingofthefactthatsheismyward。
ALGERNON。Icanseenopossibledefenceatallforyourdeceivingabrilliant，clever，thoroughlyexperiencedyoungladylikeMissFairfax。Tosaynothingofthefactthatsheismycousin。
JACK。IwantedtobeengagedtoGwendolen，thatisall。Iloveher。
ALGERNON。Well，IsimplywantedtobeengagedtoCecily。Iadoreher。
JACK。ThereiscertainlynochanceofyourmarryingMissCardew。
ALGERNON。Idon’tthinkthereismuchlikelihood，Jack，ofyouandMissFairfaxbeingunited。
JACK。Well，thatisnobusinessofyours。
ALGERNON。Ifitwasmybusiness，Iwouldn’ttalkaboutit。
[Beginstoeatmuffins。]Itisveryvulgartotalkaboutone’sbusiness。Onlypeoplelikestock-brokersdothat，andthenmerelyatdinnerparties。
JACK。Howcanyousitthere，calmlyeatingmuffinswhenweareinthishorribletrouble，Ican’tmakeout。Youseemtometobeperfectlyheartless。
ALGERNON。Well，Ican’teatmuffinsinanagitatedmanner。Thebutterwouldprobablygetonmycuffs。Oneshouldalwayseatmuffinsquitecalmly。Itistheonlywaytoeatthem。
JACK。Isayit’sperfectlyheartlessyoureatingmuffinsatall，underthecircumstances。
ALGERNON。WhenIamintrouble，eatingistheonlythingthatconsolesme。Indeed，whenIaminreallygreattrouble，asanyonewhoknowsmeintimatelywilltellyou，Irefuseeverythingexceptfoodanddrink。AtthepresentmomentIameatingmuffinsbecauseIamunhappy。Besides，Iamparticularlyfondofmuffins。
[Rising。]
JACK。[Rising。]Well，thatisnoreasonwhyyoushouldeatthemallinthatgreedyway。[TakesmuffinsfromALGERNON。]
ALGERNON。[Offeringtea-cake。]Iwishyouwouldhavetea-cakeinstead。Idon’tliketea-cake。
JACK。Goodheavens！Isupposeamanmayeathisownmuffinsinhisowngarden。
ALGERNON。Butyouhavejustsaiditwasperfectlyheartlesstoeatmuffins。
JACK。Isaiditwasperfectlyheartlessofyou，underthecircumstances。Thatisaverydifferentthing。
ALGERNON。Thatmaybe。Butthemuffinsarethesame。[Heseizesthemuffin-dishfromJACK。]
JACK。Algy，Iwishtogoodnessyouwouldgo。
ALGERNON。Youcan’tpossiblyaskmetogowithouthavingsomedinner。It’sabsurd。Inevergowithoutmydinner。Nooneeverdoes，exceptvegetariansandpeoplelikethat。BesidesIhavejustmadearrangementswithDr。ChasubletobechristenedataquartertosixunderthenameofErnest。
JACK。Mydearfellow，thesooneryougiveupthatnonsensethebetter。ImadearrangementsthismorningwithDr。Chasubletobechristenedmyselfat5。30，andInaturallywilltakethenameofErnest。Gwendolenwouldwishit。Wecan’tbothbechristenedErnest。It’sabsurd。Besides，IhaveaperfectrighttobechristenedifIlike。ThereisnoevidenceatallthatIhaveeverbeenchristenedbyanybody。IshouldthinkitextremelyprobableI
neverwas，andsodoesDr。Chasuble。Itisentirelydifferentinyourcase。Youhavebeenchristenedalready。
ALGERNON。Yes，butIhavenotbeenchristenedforyears。
JACK。Yes，butyouhavebeenchristened。Thatistheimportantthing。
ALGERNON。Quiteso。SoIknowmyconstitutioncanstandit。Ifyouarenotquitesureaboutyoureverhavingbeenchristened，I
mustsayIthinkitratherdangerousyourventuringonitnow。Itmightmakeyouveryunwell。YoucanhardlyhaveforgottenthatsomeoneverycloselyconnectedwithyouwasverynearlycarriedoffthisweekinParisbyaseverechill。
JACK。Yes，butyousaidyourselfthataseverechillwasnothereditary。
ALGERNON。Itusen’ttobe，Iknow-butIdaresayitisnow。
Scienceisalwaysmakingwonderfulimprovementsinthings。
JACK。[Pickingupthemuffin-dish。]Oh，thatisnonsense；youarealwaystalkingnonsense。
ALGERNON。Jack，youareatthemuffinsagain！Iwishyouwouldn’t。Thereareonlytwoleft。[Takesthem。]ItoldyouI
wasparticularlyfondofmuffins。
JACK。ButIhatetea-cake。
ALGERNON。Whyonearththendoyouallowtea-caketobeservedupforyourguests？Whatideasyouhaveofhospitality！
JACK。Algernon！Ihavealreadytoldyoutogo。Idon’twantyouhere。Whydon’tyougo！
ALGERNON。Ihaven’tquitefinishedmyteayet！andthereisstillonemuffinleft。[JACKgroans，andsinksintoachair。ALGERNON
stillcontinueseating。]
ACTDROP
THIRDACT
SCENE
Morning-roomattheManorHouse。
[GWENDOLENandCECILYareatthewindow，lookingoutintothegarden。]
GWENDOLEN。Thefactthattheydidnotfollowusatonceintothehouse，asanyoneelsewouldhavedone，seemstometoshowthattheyhavesomesenseofshameleft。
CECILY。Theyhavebeeneatingmuffins。Thatlookslikerepentance。
GWENDOLEN。[Afterapause。]Theydon’tseemtonoticeusatall。
Couldn’tyoucough？
CECILY。ButIhaven’tgotacough。
GWENDOLEN。They’relookingatus。Whateffrontery！
CECILY。They’reapproaching。That’sveryforwardofthem。
GWENDOLEN。Letuspreserveadignifiedsilence。
CECILY。Certainly。It’stheonlythingtodonow。[EnterJACK
followedbyALGERNON。TheywhistlesomedreadfulpopularairfromaBritishOpera。]
GWENDOLEN。Thisdignifiedsilenceseemstoproduceanunpleasanteffect。
CECILY。Amostdistastefulone。
GWENDOLEN。Butwewillnotbethefirsttospeak。
CECILY。Certainlynot。
GWENDOLEN。Mr。Worthing，Ihavesomethingveryparticulartoaskyou。Muchdependsonyourreply。
CECILY。Gwendolen，yourcommonsenseisinvaluable。Mr。
Moncrieff，kindlyanswermethefollowingquestion。Whydidyoupretendtobemyguardian’sbrother？
ALGERNON。InorderthatImighthaveanopportunityofmeetingyou。
CECILY。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Thatcertainlyseemsasatisfactoryexplanation，doesitnot？
GWENDOLEN。Yes，dear，ifyoucanbelievehim。
CECILY。Idon’t。Butthatdoesnotaffectthewonderfulbeautyofhisanswer。
GWENDOLEN。True。Inmattersofgraveimportance，style，notsincerityisthevitalthing。Mr。Worthing，whatexplanationcanyouoffertomeforpretendingtohaveabrother？Wasitinorderthatyoumighthaveanopportunityofcominguptotowntoseemeasoftenaspossible？
JACK。Canyoudoubtit，MissFairfax？
GWENDOLEN。Ihavethegravestdoubtsuponthesubject。ButI
intendtocrushthem。ThisisnotthemomentforGermanscepticism。[MovingtoCECILY。]Theirexplanationsappeartobequitesatisfactory，especiallyMr。Worthing’s。Thatseemstometohavethestampoftruthuponit。
CECILY。IammorethancontentwithwhatMr。Moncrieffsaid。Hisvoicealoneinspiresonewithabsolutecredulity。
GWENDOLEN。Thenyouthinkweshouldforgivethem？
CECILY。Yes。Imeanno。
GWENDOLEN。True！Ihadforgotten。Thereareprinciplesatstakethatonecannotsurrender。Whichofusshouldtellthem？Thetaskisnotapleasantone。
CECILY。Couldwenotbothspeakatthesametime？
GWENDOLEN。Anexcellentidea！Inearlyalwaysspeakatthesametimeasotherpeople。Willyoutakethetimefromme？
CECILY。Certainly。[GWENDOLENbeatstimewithupliftedfinger。]
GWENDOLENandCECILY[Speakingtogether。]YourChristiannamesarestillaninsuperablebarrier。Thatisall！
JACKandALGERNON[Speakingtogether。]OurChristiannames！Isthatall？Butwearegoingtobechristenedthisafternoon。
GWENDOLEN。[ToJACK。]Formysakeyouarepreparedtodothisterriblething？
JACK。Iam。
CECILY。[ToALGERNON。]Topleasemeyouarereadytofacethisfearfulordeal？
ALGERNON。Iam！
GWENDOLEN。Howabsurdtotalkoftheequalityofthesexes！Wherequestionsofself-sacrificeareconcerned，menareinfinitelybeyondus。
JACK。Weare。[ClaspshandswithALGERNON。]
CECILY。Theyhavemomentsofphysicalcourageofwhichwewomenknowabsolutelynothing。
GWENDOLEN。[ToJACK。]Darling！
ALGERNON。[ToCECILY。]Darling！[Theyfallintoeachother’sarms。]
[EnterMERRIMAN。Whenheentershecoughsloudly，seeingthesituation。]
MERRIMAN。Ahem！Ahem！LadyBracknell！
JACK。Goodheavens！
[EnterLADYBRACKNELL。Thecouplesseparateinalarm。ExitMERRIMAN。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Gwendolen！Whatdoesthismean？
GWENDOLEN。MerelythatIamengagedtobemarriedtoMr。Worthing，mamma。
LADYBRACKNELL。Comehere。Sitdown。Sitdownimmediately。
Hesitationofanykindisasignofmentaldecayintheyoung，ofphysicalweaknessintheold。[TurnstoJACK。]Apprised，sir，ofmydaughter’ssuddenflightbyhertrustymaid，whoseconfidenceI
purchasedbymeansofasmallcoin，Ifollowedheratoncebyaluggagetrain。Herunhappyfatheris，Iamgladtosay，undertheimpressionthatsheisattendingamorethanusuallylengthylecturebytheUniversityExtensionSchemeontheInfluenceofapermanentincomeonThought。Idonotproposetoundeceivehim。
IndeedIhaveneverundeceivedhimonanyquestion。Iwouldconsideritwrong。Butofcourse，youwillclearlyunderstandthatallcommunicationbetweenyourselfandmydaughtermustceaseimmediatelyfromthismoment。Onthispoint，asindeedonallpoints，Iamfirm。
JACK。IamengagedtobemarriedtoGwendolenLadyBracknell！
LADYBRACKNELL。Youarenothingofthekind，sir。Andnow，asregardsAlgernon！……Algernon！
ALGERNON。Yes，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。MayIaskifitisinthishousethatyourinvalidfriendMr。Bunburyresides？
ALGERNON。[Stammering。]Oh！No！Bunburydoesn’tlivehere。
Bunburyissomewhereelseatpresent。Infact，Bunburyisdead，LADYBRACKNELL。Dead！WhendidMr。Bunburydie？Hisdeathmusthavebeenextremelysudden。
ALGERNON。[Airily。]Oh！IkilledBunburythisafternoon。ImeanpoorBunburydiedthisafternoon。
LADYBRACKNELL。Whatdidhedieof？
ALGERNON。Bunbury？Oh，hewasquiteexploded。
LADYBRACKNELL。Exploded！Washethevictimofarevolutionaryoutrage？IwasnotawarethatMr。Bunburywasinterestedinsociallegislation。Ifso，heiswellpunishedforhismorbidity。
ALGERNON。MydearAuntAugusta，Imeanhewasfoundout！ThedoctorsfoundoutthatBunburycouldnotlive，thatiswhatImean-soBunburydied。
LADYBRACKNELL。Heseemstohavehadgreatconfidenceintheopinionofhisphysicians。Iamglad，however，thathemadeuphismindatthelasttosomedefinitecourseofaction，andactedunderpropermedicaladvice。AndnowthatwehavefinallygotridofthisMr。Bunbury，mayIask，Mr。Worthing，whoisthatyoungpersonwhosehandmynephewAlgernonisnowholdinginwhatseemstomeapeculiarlyunnecessarymanner？
JACK。ThatladyisMissCecilyCardew，myward。[LADYBRACKNELL
bowscoldlytoCECILY。]
ALGERNON。IamengagedtobemarriedtoCecily，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。Ibegyourpardon？
CECILY。Mr。MoncrieffandIareengagedtobemarried，LadyBracknell。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Withashiver，crossingtothesofaandsittingdown。]IdonotknowwhetherthereisanythingpeculiarlyexcitingintheairofthisparticularpartofHertfordshire，butthenumberofengagementsthatgoonseemstomeconsiderablyabovetheproperaveragethatstatisticshavelaiddownforourguidance。Ithinksomepreliminaryinquiryonmypartwouldnotbeoutofplace。Mr。
Worthing，isMissCardewatallconnectedwithanyofthelargerrailwaystationsinLondon？Imerelydesireinformation。UntilyesterdayIhadnoideathattherewereanyfamiliesorpersonswhoseoriginwasaTerminus。[JACKlooksperfectlyfurious，butrestrainshimself。]
JACK。[Inaclear，coldvoice。]MissCardewisthegrand-daughterofthelateMr。ThomasCardewof149BelgraveSquare，S。W。；GervasePark，Dorking，Surrey；andtheSporran，Fifeshire，N。B。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thatsoundsnotunsatisfactory。Threeaddressesalwaysinspireconfidence，evenintradesmen。ButwhatproofhaveIoftheirauthenticity？
JACK。IhavecarefullypreservedtheCourtGuidesoftheperiod。
Theyareopentoyourinspection，LadyBracknell。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Grimly。]Ihaveknownstrangeerrorsinthatpublication。
JACK。MissCardew’sfamilysolicitorsareMessrs。Markby，Markby，andMarkby。
LADYBRACKNELL。Markby，Markby，andMarkby？Afirmoftheveryhighestpositionintheirprofession。IndeedIamtoldthatoneoftheMr。Markby’sisoccasionallytobeseenatdinnerparties。SofarIamsatisfied。
JACK。[Veryirritably。]Howextremelykindofyou，LadyBracknell！Ihavealsoinmypossession，youwillbepleasedtohear，certificatesofMissCardew’sbirth，baptism，whoopingcough，registration，vaccination，confirmation，andthemeasles；boththeGermanandtheEnglishvariety。
LADYBRACKNELL。Ah！Alifecrowdedwithincident，Isee；thoughperhapssomewhattooexcitingforayounggirl。Iamnotmyselfinfavourofprematureexperiences。[Rises，looksatherwatch。]
Gwendolen！thetimeapproachesforourdeparture。Wehavenotamomenttolose。Asamatterofform，Mr。Worthing，IhadbetteraskyouifMissCardewhasanylittlefortune？
JACK。Oh！aboutahundredandthirtythousandpoundsintheFunds。
Thatisall。Goodbye，LadyBracknell。Sopleasedtohaveseenyou。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Sittingdownagain。]Amoment，Mr。Worthing。A
hundredandthirtythousandpounds！AndintheFunds！MissCardewseemstomeamostattractiveyounglady，nowthatIlookather。
Fewgirlsofthepresentdayhaveanyreallysolidqualities，anyofthequalitiesthatlast，andimprovewithtime。Welive，I
regrettosay，inanageofsurfaces。[ToCECILY。]Comeoverhere，dear。[CECILYgoesacross。]Prettychild！yourdressissadlysimple，andyourhairseemsalmostasNaturemighthaveleftit。Butwecansoonalterallthat。AthoroughlyexperiencedFrenchmaidproducesareallymarvellousresultinaverybriefspaceoftime。IrememberrecommendingonetoyoungLadyLancing，andafterthreemonthsherownhusbanddidnotknowher。
JACK。Andaftersixmonthsnobodyknewher。
LADYBRACKNELL。[GlaresatJACKforafewmoments。Thenbends，withapractisedsmile，toCECILY。]Kindlyturnround，sweetchild。[CECILYturnscompletelyround。]No，thesideviewiswhatIwant。[CECILYpresentsherprofile。]Yes，quiteasIexpected。
Therearedistinctsocialpossibilitiesinyourprofile。Thetwoweakpointsinourageareitswantofprincipleanditswantofprofile。Thechinalittlehigher，dear。Stylelargelydependsonthewaythechinisworn。Theyarewornveryhigh，justatpresent。Algernon！
ALGERNON。Yes，AuntAugusta！
LADYBRACKNELL。TherearedistinctsocialpossibilitiesinMissCardew’sprofile。
ALGERNON。Cecilyisthesweetest，dearest，prettiestgirlinthewholeworld。AndIdon’tcaretwopenceaboutsocialpossibilities。
LADYBRACKNELL。NeverspeakdisrespectfullyofSociety，Algernon。
Onlypeoplewhocan’tgetintoitdothat。[ToCECILY。]Dearchild，ofcourseyouknowthatAlgernonhasnothingbuthisdebtstodependupon。ButIdonotapproveofmercenarymarriages。WhenImarriedLordBracknellIhadnofortuneofanykind。ButIneverdreamedforamomentofallowingthattostandinmyway。Well，I
supposeImustgivemyconsent。
ALGERNON。Thankyou，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。Cecily，youmaykissme！
CECILY。[Kissesher。]Thankyou，LadyBracknell。
LADYBRACKNELL。YoumayalsoaddressmeasAuntAugustaforthefuture。
CECILY。Thankyou，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。Themarriage，Ithink，hadbettertakeplacequitesoon。
ALGERNON。Thankyou，AuntAugusta。
CECILY。Thankyou，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。Tospeakfrankly，Iamnotinfavouroflongengagements。Theygivepeopletheopportunityoffindingouteachother’scharacterbeforemarriage，whichIthinkisneveradvisable。
JACK。Ibegyourpardonforinterruptingyou，LadyBracknell，butthisengagementisquiteoutofthequestion。IamMissCardew’sguardian，andshecannotmarrywithoutmyconsentuntilshecomesofage。ThatconsentIabsolutelydeclinetogive。
LADYBRACKNELL。UponwhatgroundsmayIask？Algernonisanextremely，Imayalmostsayanostentatiously，eligibleyoungman。
Hehasnothing，buthelookseverything。Whatmorecanonedesire？
JACK。Itpainsmeverymuchtohavetospeakfranklytoyou，LadyBracknell，aboutyournephew，butthefactisthatIdonotapproveatallofhismoralcharacter。Isuspecthimofbeinguntruthful。
[ALGERNONandCECILYlookathiminindignantamazement。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Untruthful！MynephewAlgernon？Impossible！HeisanOxonian。
JACK。Ifeartherecanbenopossibledoubtaboutthematter。
ThisafternoonduringmytemporaryabsenceinLondononanimportantquestionofromance，heobtainedadmissiontomyhousebymeansofthefalsepretenceofbeingmybrother。Underanassumednamehedrank，I’vejustbeeninformedbymybutler，anentirepintbottleofmyPerrier-Jouet，Brut，’89；wineIwasspeciallyreservingformyself。Continuinghisdisgracefuldeception，hesucceededinthecourseoftheafternooninalienatingtheaffectionsofmyonlyward。Hesubsequentlystayedtotea，anddevouredeverysinglemuffin。Andwhatmakeshisconductallthemoreheartlessis，thathewasperfectlywellawarefromthefirstthatIhavenobrother，thatIneverhadabrother，andthatI
don’tintendtohaveabrother，notevenofanykind。Idistinctlytoldhimsomyselfyesterdayafternoon。
LADYBRACKNELL。Ahem！Mr。Worthing，aftercarefulconsiderationI
havedecidedentirelytooverlookmynephew’sconducttoyou。
JACK。Thatisverygenerousofyou，LadyBracknell。Myowndecision，however，isunalterable。Ideclinetogivemyconsent。
LADYBRACKNELL。[ToCECILY。]Comehere，sweetchild。[CECILY
goesover。]Howoldareyou，dear？
CECILY。Well，Iamreallyonlyeighteen，butIalwaysadmittotwentywhenIgotoeveningparties。
LADYBRACKNELL。Youareperfectlyrightinmakingsomeslightalteration。Indeed，nowomanshouldeverbequiteaccurateaboutherage。Itlookssocalculating……[Inameditativemanner。]
Eighteen，butadmittingtotwentyateveningparties。Well，itwillnotbeverylongbeforeyouareofageandfreefromtherestraintsoftutelage。SoIdon’tthinkyourguardian’sconsentis，afterall，amatterofanyimportance。
JACK。Prayexcuseme，LadyBracknell，forinterruptingyouagain，butitisonlyfairtotellyouthataccordingtothetermsofhergrandfather’swillMissCardewdoesnotcomelegallyofagetillsheisthirty-five。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thatdoesnotseemtometobeagraveobjection。
Thirty-fiveisaveryattractiveage。Londonsocietyisfullofwomenoftheveryhighestbirthwhohave，oftheirownfreechoice，remainedthirty-fiveforyears。LadyDumbletonisaninstanceinpoint。Tomyownknowledgeshehasbeenthirty-fiveeversinceshearrivedattheageofforty，whichwasmanyyearsagonow。IseenoreasonwhyourdearCecilyshouldnotbeevenstillmoreattractiveattheageyoumentionthansheisatpresent。Therewillbealargeaccumulationofproperty。
CECILY。Algy，couldyouwaitformetillIwasthirty-five？
ALGERNON。OfcourseIcould，Cecily。YouknowIcould。
CECILY。Yes，Ifeltitinstinctively，butIcouldn’twaitallthattime。Ihatewaitingevenfiveminutesforanybody。Italwaysmakesmerathercross。Iamnotpunctualmyself，Iknow，butIdolikepunctualityinothers，andwaiting，eventobemarried，isquiteoutofthequestion。
ALGERNON。Thenwhatistobedone，Cecily？
CECILY。Idon’tknow，Mr。Moncrieff。
LADYBRACKNELL。MydearMr。Worthing，asMissCardewstatespositivelythatshecannotwaittillsheisthirty-five-aremarkwhichIamboundtosayseemstometoshowasomewhatimpatientnature-Iwouldbegofyoutoreconsideryourdecision。
JACK。ButmydearLadyBracknell，thematterisentirelyinyourownhands。ThemomentyouconsenttomymarriagewithGwendolen，I
willmostgladlyallowyournephewtoformanalliancewithmyward。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Risinganddrawingherselfup。]Youmustbequiteawarethatwhatyouproposeisoutofthequestion。
JACK。Thenapassionatecelibacyisallthatanyofuscanlookforwardto。
LADYBRACKNELL。ThatisnotthedestinyIproposeforGwendolen。
Algernon，ofcourse，canchooseforhimself。[Pullsoutherwatch。]Come，dear，[GWENDOLENrises]wehavealreadymissedfive，ifnotsix，trains。Tomissanymoremightexposeustocommentontheplatform。
[EnterDR。CHASUBLE。]
CHASUBLE。Everythingisquitereadyforthechristenings。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thechristenings，sir！Isnotthatsomewhatpremature？
CHASUBLE。[Lookingratherpuzzled，andpointingtoJACKandALGERNON。]Boththesegentlemenhaveexpressedadesireforimmediatebaptism。
LADYBRACKNELL。Attheirage？Theideaisgrotesqueandirreligious！Algernon，Iforbidyoutobebaptized。Iwillnothearofsuchexcesses。LordBracknellwouldbehighlydispleasedifhelearnedthatthatwasthewayinwhichyouwastedyourtimeandmoney。
CHASUBLE。AmItounderstandthenthattherearetohenochristeningsatallthisafternoon？
JACK。Idon’tthinkthat，asthingsarenow，itwouldbeofmuchpracticalvaluetoeitherofus，Dr。Chasuble。
CHASUBLE。Iamgrievedtohearsuchsentimentsfromyou，Mr。
Worthing。TheysavourofthehereticalviewsoftheAnabaptists，viewsthatIhavecompletelyrefutedinfourofmyunpublishedsermons。However，asyourpresentmoodseemstobeonepeculiarlysecular，Iwillreturntothechurchatonce。Indeed，Ihavejustbeeninformedbythepew-openerthatforthelasthourandahalfMissPrismhasbeenwaitingformeinthevestry。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Starting。]MissPrism！DidIbearyoumentionaMissPrism？
CHASUBLE。Yes，LadyBracknell。Iamonmywaytojoinher。
LADYBRACKNELL。Prayallowmetodetainyouforamoment。ThismattermayprovetobeoneofvitalimportancetoLordBracknellandmyself。IsthisMissPrismafemaleofrepellentaspect，remotelyconnectedwitheducation？
CHASUBLE。[Somewhatindignantly。]Sheisthemostcultivatedofladies，andtheverypictureofrespectability。
LADYBRACKNELL。Itisobviouslythesameperson。MayIaskwhatpositionsheholdsinyourhousehold？
CHASUBLE。[Severely。]Iamacelibate，madam。
JACK。[Interposing。]MissPrism，LadyBracknell，hasbeenforthelastthreeyearsMissCardew’sesteemedgovernessandvaluedcompanion。
LADYBRACKNELL。InspiteofwhatIhearofher，Imustseeheratonce。Letherbesentfor。
CHASUBLE。[Lookingoff。]Sheapproaches；sheisnigh。
[EnterMISSPRISMhurriedly。]
MISSPRISM。Iwastoldyouexpectedmeinthevestry，dearCanon。
Ihavebeenwaitingforyouthereforanhourandthree-quarters。
[CatchessightofLADYBRACKNELL，whohasfixedherwithastonyglare。MISSPRISMgrowspaleandquails。Shelooksanxiouslyroundasifdesiroustoescape。]
LADYBRACKNELL。[Inasevere，judicialvoice。]Prism！[MISS
PRISMbowsherheadinshame。]Comehere，Prism！[MISSPRISM
approachesinahumblemanner。]Prism！Whereisthatbaby？
[Generalconsternation。TheCANONstartsbackinhorror。ALGERNON
andJACKpretendtobeanxioustoshieldCECILYandGWENDOLENfromhearingthedetailsofaterriblepublicscandal。]Twenty-eightyearsago，Prism，youleftLordBracknell’shouse，Number104，UpperGrosvenorStreet，inchargeofaperambulatorthatcontainedababyofthemalesex。Youneverreturned。Afewweekslater，throughtheelaborateinvestigationsoftheMetropolitanpolice，theperambulatorwasdiscoveredatmidnight，standingbyitselfinaremotecornerofBayswater。Itcontainedthemanuscriptofathree-volumenovelofmorethanusuallyrevoltingsentimentality。
[MISSPRISMstartsininvoluntaryindignation。]Butthebabywasnotthere！[EveryonelooksatMISSPRISM。]Prism！Whereisthatbaby？[Apause。]
MISSPRISM。LadyBracknell，IadmitwithshamethatIdonotknow。
IonlywishIdid。Theplainfactsofthecasearethese。Onthemorningofthedayyoumention，adaythatisforeverbrandedonmymemory，Ipreparedasusualtotakethebabyoutinitsperambulator。Ihadalsowithmeasomewhatold，butcapacioushand-baginwhichIhadintendedtoplacethemanuscriptofaworkoffictionthatIhadwrittenduringmyfewunoccupiedhours。Inamomentofmentalabstraction，forwhichInevercanforgivemyself，Idepositedthemanuscriptinthebasinette，andplacedthebabyinthehand-bag。
JACK。[Whohasbeenlisteningattentively。]Butwheredidyoudepositthehand-bag？
MISSPRISM。Donotaskme，Mr。Worthing。
JACK。MissPrism，thisisamatterofnosmallimportancetome。
Iinsistonknowingwhereyoudepositedthehand-bagthatcontainedthatinfant。
MISSPRISM。Ileftitinthecloak-roomofoneofthelargerrailwaystationsinLondon。
JACK。Whatrailwaystation？
MISSPRISM。[Quitecrushed。]Victoria。TheBrightonline。
[Sinksintoachair。]
JACK。Imustretiretomyroomforamoment。Gwendolen，waithereforme。
GWENDOLEN。Ifyouarenottoolong，Iwillwaithereforyouallmylife。[ExitJACKingreatexcitement。]
CHASUBLE。Whatdoyouthinkthismeans，LadyBracknell？
LADYBRACKNELL。Idarenotevensuspect，Dr。Chasuble。Ineedhardlytellyouthatinfamiliesofhighpositionstrangecoincidencesarenotsupposedtooccur。Theyarehardlyconsideredthething。
[Noisesheardoverheadasifsomeonewasthrowingtrunksabout。
Everyonelooksup。]
CECILY。UncleJackseemsstrangelyagitated。
CHASUBLE。Yourguardianhasaveryemotionalnature。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thisnoiseisextremelyunpleasant。Itsoundsasifhewashavinganargument。Idislikeargumentsofanykind。
Theyarealwaysvulgar，andoftenconvincing。
CHASUBLE。[Lookingup。]Ithasstoppednow。[Thenoiseisredoubled。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Iwishhewouldarriveatsomeconclusion。
GWENDOLEN。Thissuspenseisterrible。Ihopeitwilllast。
[EnterJACKwithahand-bagofblackleatherinhishand。]
JACK。[RushingovertoMISSPRISM。]Isthisthehandbag，MissPrism？Examineitcarefullybeforeyouspeak。Thehappinessofmorethanonelifedependsonyouranswer。
MISSPRISM。[Calmly。]Itseemstobemine。Yes，hereistheinjuryitreceivedthroughtheupsettingofaGowerStreetomnibusinyoungerandhappierdays。Hereisthestainontheliningcausedbytheexplosionofatemperancebeverage，anincidentthatoccurredatLeamington。Andhere，onthelock，aremyinitials。I
hadforgottenthatinanextravagantmoodIhadhadthemplacedthere。Thebagisundoubtedlymine。Iamdelightedtohaveitsounexpectedlyrestoredtome。Ithasbeenagreatinconveniencebeingwithoutitalltheseyears。
JACK。[Inapatheticvoice。]MissPrism，moreisrestoredtoyouthanthishand-bag。Iwasthebabyyouplacedinit。
MISSPRISM。[Amazed。]You？
JACK。[Embracingher。]Yes……mother！
MISSPRISM。[Recoilinginindignantastonishment。]Mr。Worthing！
IamunmarriedJACK。Unmarried！Idonotdenythatisaseriousblow。Butafterall，whohastherighttocastastoneagainstonewhohassuffered？Cannotrepentancewipeoutanactoffolly？Whyshouldtherebeonelawformen，andanotherforwomen？Mother，Iforgiveyou。[Triestoembraceheragain。]
MISSPRISM。[Stillmoreindignant。]Mr。Worthing，thereissomeerror。[PointingtoLADYBRACKNELL。]Thereistheladywhocantellyouwhoyoureallyare。
JACK。[Afterapause。]LadyBracknell，Ihatetoseeminquisitive，butwouldyoukindlyinformmewhoIam？
LADYBRACKNELL。IamafraidthatthenewsIhavetogiveyouwillnotaltogetherpleaseyou。Youarethesonofmypoorsister，Mrs。
Moncrieff，andconsequentlyAlgernon’selderbrother。
JACK。Algy’selderbrother！ThenIhaveabrotherafterall。I
knewIhadabrother！IalwayssaidIhadabrother！Cecily，-
howcouldyouhaveeverdoubtedthatIhadabrother？[SeizesholdofALGERNON。]Dr。Chasuble，myunfortunatebrother。MissPrism，myunfortunatebrother。Gwendolen，myunfortunatebrother。Algy，youyoungscoundrel，youwillhavetotreatmewithmorerespectinthefuture。Youhaveneverbehavedtomelikeabrotherinallyourlife。
ALGERNON。Well，nottillto-day，oldboy，Iadmit。Ididmybest，however，thoughIwasoutofpractice。
[Shakeshands。]
GWENDOLEN。[ToJACK。]Myown！Butwhatownareyou？WhatisyourChristianname，nowthatyouhavebecomesomeoneelse？
JACK。Goodheavens！……Ihadquiteforgottenthatpoint。Yourdecisiononthesubjectofmynameisirrevocable，Isuppose？
GWENDOLEN。Ineverchange，exceptinmyaffections。
CECILY。Whatanoblenatureyouhave，Gwendolen！
JACK。Thenthequestionhadbetterbeclearedupatonce。AuntAugusta，amoment。AtthetimewhenMissPrismleftmeinthehand-bag，hadIbeenchristenedalready？
LADYBRACKNELL。Everyluxurythatmoneycouldbuy，includingchristening，hadbeenlavishedonyoubyyourfondanddotingparents。
JACK。ThenIwaschristened！Thatissettled。Now，whatnamewasIgiven？Letmeknowtheworst。
LADYBRACKNELL。Beingtheeldestsonyouwerenaturallychristenedafteryourfather。
JACK。[Irritably。]Yes，butwhatwasmyfather’sChristianname？
LADYBRACKNELL。[Meditatively。]IcannotatthepresentmomentrecallwhattheGeneral’sChristiannamewas。ButIhavenodoubthehadone。Hewaseccentric，Iadmit。Butonlyinlateryears。
AndthatwastheresultoftheIndianclimate，andmarriage，andindigestion，andotherthingsofthatkind。
JACK。Algy！Can’tyourecollectwhatourfather’sChristiannamewas？
ALGERNON。Mydearboy，wewereneverevenonspeakingterms。HediedbeforeIwasayearold。
JACK。HisnamewouldappearintheArmyListsoftheperiod，I
suppose，AuntAugusta？
LADYBRACKNELL。TheGeneralwasessentiallyamanofpeace，exceptinhisdomesticlife。ButIhavenodoubthisnamewouldappearinanymilitarydirectory。
JACK。TheArmyListsofthelastfortyyearsarehere。Thesedelightfulrecordsshouldhavebeenmyconstantstudy。[Rushestobookcaseandtearsthebooksout。]M。Generals……Mallam，Maxbohm，Magley，whatghastlynamestheyhave-Markby，Migsby，Mobbs，Moncrieff！Lieutenant1840，Captain，Lieutenant-Colonel，Colonel，General1869，Christiannames，ErnestJohn。[Putsbookveryquietlydownandspeaksquitecalmly。]Ialwaystoldyou，Gwendolen，mynamewasErnest，didn’tI？Well，itisErnestafterall。ImeanitnaturallyisErnest。
LADYBRACKNELL。Yes，IremembernowthattheGeneralwascalledErnest，IknewIhadsomeparticularreasonfordislikingthename。
GWENDOLEN。Ernest！MyownErnest！Ifeltfromthefirstthatyoucouldhavenoothername！
JACK。Gwendolen，itisaterriblethingforamantofindoutsuddenlythatallhislifehehasbeenspeakingnothingbutthetruth。Canyouforgiveme？
GWENDOLEN。Ican。ForIfeelthatyouaresuretochange。
JACK。Myownone！
CHASUBLE。[ToMISSPRISM。]Laetitia！[Embracesher]
MISSPRISM。[Enthusiastically。]Frederick！Atlast！
ALGERNON。Cecily！[Embracesher。]Atlast！
JACK。Gwendolen！[Embracesher。]Atlast！
LADYBRACKNELL。Mynephew，youseemtobedisplayingsignsoftriviality。
JACK。Onthecontrary，AuntAugusta，I’venowrealisedforthefirsttimeinmylifethevitalImportanceofBeingEarnest。
TABLEAU