第1章

AFANTASIAINTHERUSSIANMANNERONENGLISHTHEMES

HEARTBREAKHOUSEANDHORSEBACKHALL

WhereHeartbreakHouseStandsHeartbreakHouseisnotmerelythenameoftheplaywhichfollowsthispreface。Itiscultured，leisuredEuropebeforethewar。

Whentheplaywasbegunnotashothadbeenfired;andonlytheprofessionaldiplomatistsandtheveryfewamateurswhosehobbyisforeignpolicyevenknewthatthegunswereloaded。ARussianplaywright，Tchekov，hadproducedfourfascinatingdramaticstudiesofHeartbreakHouse，ofwhichthree，TheCherryOrchard，UncleVanya，andTheSeagull，hadbeenperformedinEngland。

Tolstoy，inhisFruitsofEnlightenment，hadshownusthroughitinhismostferociouslycontemptuousmanner。Tolstoydidnotwasteanysympathyonit：itwastohimthehouseinwhichEuropewasstiflingitssoul;andheknewthatourutterenervationandfutilizationinthatoverheateddrawingroomatmospherewasdeliveringtheworldovertothecontrolofignorantandsoullesscunningandenergy，withthefrightfulconsequenceswhichhavenowovertakenit。Tolstoywasnopessimist：hewasnotdisposedtoleavethehousestandingifhecouldbringitdownabouttheearsofitsprettyandamiablevoluptuaries;andhewieldedthepickaxewithawill。Hetreatedthecaseoftheinmatesasoneofopiumpoisoning，tobedealtwithbyseizingthepatientsroughlyandexercisingthemviolentlyuntiltheywerebroadawake。

Tchekov，moreofafatalist，hadnofaithinthesecharmingpeopleextricatingthemselves。Theywould，hethought，besoldupandsentadriftbythebailiffs;andhethereforehadnoscrupleinexploitingandevenflatteringtheircharm。

TheInhabitantsTchekov’splays，beinglesslucrativethanswingsandroundabouts，gotnofurtherinEngland，wheretheatresareonlyordinarycommercialaffairs，thanacoupleofperformancesbytheStageSociety。Westaredandsaid，\"HowRussian！\"Theydidnotstrikemeinthatway。JustasIbsen’sintenselyNorwegianplaysexactlyfittedeverymiddleandprofessionalclasssuburbinEurope，theseintenselyRussianplaysfittedallthecountryhousesinEuropeinwhichthepleasuresofmusic，art，literature，andthetheatrehadsupplantedhunting，shooting，fishing，flirting，eating，anddrinking。Thesamenicepeople，thesameutterfutility。Thenicepeoplecouldread;someofthemcouldwrite;andtheywerethesolerepositoriesofculturewhohadsocialopportunitiesofcontactwithourpoliticians，administrators，andnewspaperproprietors，oranychanceofsharingorinfluencingtheiractivities。Buttheyshrankfromthatcontact。Theyhatedpolitics。TheydidnotwishtorealizeUtopiaforthecommonpeople：theywishedtorealizetheirfavoritefictionsandpoemsintheirownlives;and，whentheycould，theylivedwithoutscrupleonincomeswhichtheydidnothingtoearn。Thewomenintheirgirlhoodmadethemselveslooklikevarietytheatrestars，andsettleddownlaterintothetypesofbeautyimaginedbythepreviousgenerationofpainters。Theytooktheonlypartofoursocietyinwhichtherewasleisureforhighculture，andmadeitaneconomic，politicaland;asfaraspracticable，amoralvacuum;andasNature，abhorringthevacuum，immediatelyfilleditupwithsexandwithallsortsofrefinedpleasures，itwasaverydelightfulplaceatitsbestformomentsofrelaxation。Inothermomentsitwasdisastrous。Forprimeministersandtheirlike，itwasaveritableCapua。

HorsebackHallButwherewereourfrontbencherstonestifnothere？ThealternativetoHeartbreakHousewasHorsebackHall，consistingofaprisonforhorseswithanannexfortheladiesandgentlemenwhorodethem，huntedthem，talkedaboutthem，boughtthemandsoldthem，andgavenine—tenthsoftheirlivestothem，dividingtheothertenthbetweencharity，churchgoing（asasubstituteforreligion），andconservativeelectioneering（asasubstituteforpolitics）。Itistruethatthetwoestablishmentsgotmixedattheedges。Exilesfromthelibrary，themusicroom，andthepicturegallerywouldbefoundlanguishingamongthestables，miserablydiscontented;andhardyhorsewomenwhosleptatthefirstchordofSchumannwereborn，horriblymisplaced，intothegardenofKlingsor;butsometimesonecameuponhorsebreakersandheartbreakerswhocouldmakethebestofbothworlds。Asarule，however，thetwowereapartandknewlittleofoneanother;sotheprimeministerfolkhadtochoosebetweenbarbarismandCapua。Andofthetwoatmospheresitishardtosaywhichwasthemorefataltostatesmanship。

RevolutionontheShelfHeartbreakHousewasquitefamiliarwithrevolutionaryideasonpaper。Itaimedatbeingadvancedandfreethinking，andhardlyeverwenttochurchorkepttheSabbathexceptbyalittleextrafunatweekends。WhenyouspentaFridaytoTuesdayinityoufoundontheshelfinyourbedroomnotonlythebooksofpoetsandnovelists，butofrevolutionarybiologistsandeveneconomists。WithoutatleastafewplaysbymyselfandMrGranvilleBarker，andafewstoriesbyMrH。G。Wells，MrArnoldBennett，andMrJohnGalsworthy，thehousewouldhavebeenoutofthemovement。YouwouldfindBlakeamongthepoets，andbesidehimBergson，Butler，ScottHaldane，thepoemsofMeredithandThomasHardy，and，generallyspeaking，alltheliteraryimplementsforformingthemindoftheperfectmodernSocialistandCreativeEvolutionist。ItwasacuriousexperiencetospendSundayindippingintothesebooks，andtheMondaymorningtoreadinthedailypaperthatthecountryhadjustbeenbroughttothevergeofanarchybecauseanewHomeSecretaryorchiefofpolicewithoutanideainhisheadthathisgreat—grandmothermightnothavehadtoapologizefor，hadrefusedto\"recognize\"

somepowerfulTradeUnion，justasagondolamightrefusetorecognizea20，000—tonliner。

Inshort，powerandculturewereinseparatecompartments。Thebarbarianswerenotonlyliterallyinthesaddle，butonthefrontbenchintheHouseofcommons，withnobodytocorrecttheirincredibleignoranceofmodernthoughtandpoliticalsciencebutupstartsfromthecounting—house，whohadspenttheirlivesfurnishingtheirpocketsinsteadoftheirminds。Both，however，werepractisedindealingwithmoneyandwithmen，asfarasacquiringtheoneandexploitingtheotherwent;andalthoughthisisasundesirableanexpertnessasthatofthemedievalrobberbaron，itqualifiesmentokeepanestateorabusinessgoinginitsoldroutinewithoutnecessarilyunderstandingit，justasBondStreettradesmenanddomesticservantskeepfashionablesocietygoingwithoutanyinstructioninsociology。

TheCherryOrchardTheHeartbreakpeopleneithercouldnorwoulddoanythingofthesort。WiththeirheadsasfulloftheAnticipationsofMrH。G。

WellsastheheadsofouractualrulerswereemptyevenoftheanticipationsofErasmusorSirThomasMore，theyrefusedthedrudgeryofpolitics，andwouldhavemadeaverypoorjobofitiftheyhadchangedtheirminds。Notthattheywouldhavebeenallowedtomeddleanyhow，asonlythroughtheaccidentofbeingahereditarypeercananyoneinthesedaysofVotesforEverybodygetintoparliamentifhandicappedbyaseriousmodernculturalequipment;butiftheyhad，theirhabitoflivinginavacuumwouldhaveleftthemhelplessendineffectiveinpublicaffairs。

Eveninprivatelifetheywereoftenhelplesswastersoftheirinheritance，likethepeopleinTchekov’sCherryOrchard。Eventhosewholivedwithintheirincomeswerereallykeptgoingbytheirsolicitorsandagents，beingunabletomanageanestateorrunabusinesswithoutcontinualpromptingfromthosewhohavetolearnhowtodosuchthingsorstarve。

>FromwhatiscalledDemocracynocorrectivetothisstateofthingscouldbehoped。ItissaidthateverypeoplehastheGovernmentitdeserves。ItismoretothepointthateveryGovernmenthastheelectorateitdeserves;fortheoratorsofthefrontbenchcanedifyordebauchanignorantelectorateatwill。

Thusourdemocracymovesinaviciouscircleofreciprocalworthinessandunworthiness。

Nature’sLongCreditsNature’swayofdealingwithunhealthyconditionsisunfortunatelynotonethatcompelsustoconductasolventhygieneonacashbasis。Shedemoralizesuswithlongcreditsandrecklessoverdrafts，andthenpullsusupcruellywithcatastrophicbankruptcies。Take，forexample，commondomesticsanitation。Awholecitygenerationmayneglectitutterlyandscandalously，ifnotwithabsoluteimpunity，yetwithoutanyevilconsequencesthatanyonethinksoftracingtoit。Inahospitaltwogenerationsofmedicalstudentswaytoleratedirtandcarelessness，andthengooutintogeneralpracticetospreadthedoctrinethatfreshairisafad，andsanitationanimposturesetuptomakeprofitsforplumbers。ThensuddenlyNaturetakesherrevenge。Shestrikesatthecitywithapestilenceandatthehospitalwithanepidemicofhospitalgangrene，slaughteringrightandleftuntiltheinnocentyounghavepaidfortheguiltyold，andtheaccountisbalanced。Andthenshegoestosleepagainandgivesanotherperiodofcredit，withthesameresult。

Thisiswhathasjusthappenedinourpoliticalhygiene。

PoliticalsciencehasbeenasrecklesslyneglectedbyGovernmentsandelectoratesduringmylifetimeassanitarysciencewasinthedaysofCharlestheSecond。Ininternationalrelationsdiplomacyhasbeenaboyishlylawlessaffairoffamilyintrigues，commercialandterritorialbrigandage，torporsofpseudo—goodnatureproducedbylazinessandspasmsofferociousactivityproducedbyterror。Butintheseislandswemuddledthrough。NaturegaveusalongercreditthanshegavetoFranceorGermanyorRussia。ToBritishcentenarianswhodiedintheirbedsin1914，anydreadofhavingtohideundergroundinLondonfromtheshellsofanenemyseemedmoreremoteandfantasticthanadreadoftheappearanceofacolonyofcobrasandrattlesnakesinKensingtonGardens。InthepropheticworksofCharlesDickenswewerewarnedagainstmanyevilswhichhavesincecometopass;

butoftheevilofbeingslaughteredbyaforeignfoeonourowndoorstepstherewasnoshadow。Naturegaveusaverylongcredit;

andweabusedittotheutmost。Butwhenshestruckatlastshestruckwithavengeance。ForfouryearsshesmoteourfirstbornandheapedonusplaguesofwhichEgyptneverdreamed。TheywereallaspreventableasthegreatPlagueofLondon，andcamesolelybecausetheyhadnotbeenprevented。Theywerenotundonebywinningthewar。Theearthisstillburstingwiththedeadbodiesofthevictors。

TheWickedHalfCenturyItisdifficulttosaywhetherindifferenceandneglectareworsethanfalsedoctrine;butHeartbreakHouseandHorsebackHallunfortunatelysufferedfromboth。Forhalfacenturybeforethewarcivilizationhadbeengoingtothedevilveryprecipitatelyundertheinfluenceofapseudo—scienceasdisastrousastheblackestCalvinism。Calvinismtaughtthataswearepredestinatelysavedordamned，nothingthatwecandocanalterourdestiny。Still，asCalvinismgavetheindividualnoclueastowhetherhehaddrawnaluckynumberoranunluckyone，itlefthimafairlystronginterestinencouraginghishopesofsalvationandallayinghisfearofdamnationbybehavingasoneoftheelectmightbeexpectedtobehaveratherthanasoneofthereprobate。Butinthemiddleofthenineteenthcenturynaturalistsandphysicistsassuredtheworld，inthenameofScience，thatsalvationanddamnationareallnonsense，andthatpredestinationisthecentraltruthofreligion，inasmuchashumanbeingsareproducedbytheirenvironment，theirsinsandgooddeedsbeingonlyaseriesofchemicalandmechanicalreactionsoverwhichtheyhavenocontrol。Suchfigmentsasmind，choice，purpose，conscience，will，andsoforth，are，theytaught，mereillusions，producedbecausetheyareusefulinthecontinualstruggleofthehumanmachinetomaintainitsenvironmentinafavorablecondition，aprocessincidentallyinvolvingtheruthlessdestructionorsubjectionofitscompetitorsforthesupply（assumedtobelimited）ofsubsistenceavailable。WetaughtPrussiathisreligion;andPrussiabetteredourinstructionsoeffectivelythatwepresentlyfoundourselvesconfrontedwiththenecessityofdestroyingPrussiatopreventPrussiadestroyingus。Andthathasjustendedineachdestroyingtheothertoanextentdoubtfullyreparableinourtime。

Itmaybeaskedhowsoimbecileanddangerousacreedevercametobeacceptedbyintelligentbeings。Iwillanswerthatquestionmorefullyinmynextvolumeofplays，whichwillbeentirelydevotedtothesubject。ForthepresentIwillonlysaythattherewerebetterreasonsthantheobviousonethatsuchshamscienceasthisopenedascientificcareertoverystupidmen，andalltheothercareerstoshamelessrascals，providedtheywereindustriousenough。Itistruethatthismotiveoperatedverypowerfully;butwhenthenewdepartureinscientificdoctrinewhichisassociatedwiththenameofthegreatnaturalistCharlesDarwinbegan，itwasnotonlyareactionagainstabarbarouspseudo—evangelicalteleologyintolerablyobstructivetoallscientificprogress，butwasaccompanied，asithappened，bydiscoveriesofextraordinaryinterestinphysics，chemistry，andthatlifelessmethodofevolutionwhichitsinvestigatorscalledNaturalSelection。Howbeit，therewasonlyoneresultpossibleintheethicalsphere，andthatwasthebanishmentofconsciencefromhumanaffairs，or，asSamuelButlervehementlyputit，\"ofmindfromtheuniverse。\"

HypochondriaNowHeartbreakHouse，withButlerandBergsonandScottHaldanealongsideBlakeandtheothermajorpoetsonitsshelves（tosaynothingofWagnerandthetonepoets），wasnotsocompletelyblindedbythedoltishmaterialismofthelaboratoriesastheunculturedworldoutside。Butbeinganidlehouseitwasahypochondriacalhouse，alwaysrunningaftercures。Itwouldstopeatingmeat，notonvalidShelleyangrounds，butinordertogetridofabogeycalledUricAcid;anditwouldactuallyletyoupullallitsteethouttoexorciseanotherdemonnamedPyorrhea。

Itwassuperstitious，andaddictedtotable—rapping，materializationseances，clairvoyance，palmistry，crystal—gazingandtheliketosuchanextentthatitmaybedoubtedwhethereverbeforeinthehistoryoftheworlddidsoothsayers，astrologers，andunregisteredtherapeuticspecialistsofallsortsflourishastheydidduringthishalfcenturyofthedrifttotheabyss。Theregistereddoctorsandsurgeonswerehardputtoittocompetewiththeunregistered。TheywerenotcleverenoughtoappealtotheimaginationandsociabilityoftheHeartbreakersbytheartsoftheactor，theorator，thepoet，thewinningconversationalist。Theyhadtofallbackcoarselyontheterrorofinfectionanddeath。Theyprescribedinoculationsandoperations。Whateverpartofahumanbeingcouldbecutoutwithoutnecessarilykillinghimtheycutout;andheoftendied（unnecessarilyofcourse）inconsequence。Fromsuchtriflesasuvulasandtonsilstheywentontoovariesandappendicesuntilatlastnoone’sinsidewassafe。Theyexplainedthatthehumanintestinewastoolong，andthatnothingcouldmakeachildofAdamhealthyexceptshortcircuitingthepylorusbycuttingalengthoutofthelowerintestineandfasteningitdirectlytothestomach。Astheirmechanisttheorytaughtthemthatmedicinewasthebusinessofthechemist’slaboratory，andsurgeryofthecarpenter’sshop，andalsothatScience（bywhichtheymeanttheirpractices）wassoimportantthatnoconsiderationfortheinterestsofanyindividualcreature，whetherfrogorphilosopher，muchlessthevulgarcommonplacesofsentimentalethics，couldweighforamomentagainsttheremotestoff—chanceofanadditiontothebodyofscientificknowledge，theyoperatedandvivisectedandinoculatedandliedonastupendousscale，clamoringforandactuallyacquiringsuchlegalpowersoverthebodiesoftheirfellow—citizensasneitherking，pope，norparliamentdareeverhaveclaimed。TheInquisitionitselfwasaLiberalinstitutioncomparedtotheGeneralMedicalCouncil。

ThosewhodonotknowhowtolivemustmakeaMeritofDyingHeartbreakHousewasfartoolazyandshallowtoextricateitselffromthispalaceofevilenchantment。Itrhapsodizedaboutlove;

butitbelievedincruelty。Itwasafraidofthecruelpeople;

anditsawthatcrueltywasatleasteffective。Crueltydidthingsthatmademoney，whereasLovedidnothingbutprovethesoundnessofLarochefoucauld’ssayingthatveryfewpeoplewouldfallinloveiftheyhadneverreadaboutit。HeartbreakHouse，inshort，didnotknowhowtolive，atwhichpointallthatwaslefttoitwastheboastthatatleastitknewhowtodie：amelancholyaccomplishmentwhichtheoutbreakofwarpresentlygaveitpracticallyunlimitedopportunitiesofdisplaying。ThuswerethefirstbornofHeartbreakHousesmitten;andtheyoung，theinnocent，thehopeful，expiatedthefollyandworthlessnessoftheirelders。

WarDeliriumOnlythosewhohavelivedthroughafirst—ratewar，notinthefield，butathome，andkepttheirheads，canpossiblyunderstandthebitternessofShakespeareandSwift，whobothwentthroughthisexperience。ThehorrorofPeerGyntinthemadhouse，whenthelunatics，exaltedbyillusionsofsplendidtalentandvisionsofadawningmillennium，crownedhimastheiremperor，wastameincomparison。Idonotknowwhetheranyonereallykepthisheadcompletelyexceptthosewhohadtokeepitbecausetheyhadtoconductthewaratfirsthand。Ishouldnothavekeptmyown（asfarasIdidkeepit）ifIhadnotatonceunderstoodthatasascribeandspeakerItoowasunderthemostseriouspublicobligationtokeepmygriponrealities;butthisdidnotsavemefromaconsiderabledegreeofhyperaesthesia。Therewereofcoursesomehappypeopletowhomthewarmeantnothing：allpoliticalandgeneralmatterslyingoutsidetheirlittlecircleofinterest。Buttheordinarywar—consciouscivilianwentmad，themainsymptombeingaconvictionthatthewholeorderofnaturehadbeenreversed。Allfoods，hefelt，mustnowbeadulterated。Allschoolsmustbeclosed。Noadvertisementsmustbesenttothenewspapers，ofwhichneweditionsmustappearandbeboughtupeverytenminutes。Travellingmustbestopped，or，thatbeingimpossible，greatlyhindered。Allpretencesaboutfineartandcultureandthelikemustbeflungoffasanintolerableaffectation;andthepicturegalleriesandmuseumsandschoolsatonceoccupiedbywarworkers。TheBritishMuseumitselfwassavedonlybyahair’sbreadth。Thesincerityofallthis，andofmuchmorewhichwouldnotbebelievedifIchronicledit，maybeestablishedbyoneconclusiveinstanceofthegeneralcraziness。

Menwereseizedwiththeillusionthattheycouldwinthewarbygivingawaymoney。AndtheynotonlysubscribedmillionstoFundsofallsortswithnodiscoverableobject，andtoridiculousvoluntaryorganizationsfordoingwhatwasplainlythebusinessofthecivilandmilitaryauthorities，butactuallyhandedoutmoneytoanythiefinthestreetwhohadthepresenceofmindtopretendthathe（orshe）was\"collecting\"itfortheannihilationoftheenemy。Swindlerswereemboldenedtotakeoffices;labelthemselvesAnti—EnemyLeagues;andsimplypocketthemoneythatwasheapedonthem。Attractivelydressedyoungwomenfoundthattheyhadnothingtodobutparadethestreets，collecting—boxinhand，andlivegloriouslyontheprofits。Manymonthselapsedbefore，asafirstsignofreturningsanity，thepolicesweptanAnti—Enemysecretaryintoprisonpourencourageslesautres，andthepassionatepennycollectingoftheFlagDayswasbroughtundersomesortofregulation。

MadnessinCourtThedemoralizationdidnotsparetheLawCourts。Soldierswereacquitted，evenonfullyprovedindictmentsforwilfulmurder，untilatlastthejudgesandmagistrateshadtoannouncethatwhatwascalledtheUnwrittenLaw，whichmeantsimplythatasoldiercoulddowhathelikedwithimpunityincivillife，wasnotthelawoftheland，andthataVictoriaCrossdidnotcarrywithitaperpetualplenaryindulgence。Unfortunatelytheinsanityofthejuriesandmagistratesdidnotalwaysmanifestitselfinindulgence。Nopersonunluckyenoughtobechargedwithanysortofconduct，howeverreasonableandsalutary，thatdidnotsmackofwardelirium，hadtheslightestchanceofacquittal。

Therewereinthecountry，too，acertainnumberofpeoplewhohadconscientiousobjectionstowarascriminalorunchristian。

TheActofParliamentintroducingCompulsoryMilitaryServicethoughtlesslyexemptedthesepersons，merelyrequiringthemtoprovethegenuinenessoftheirconvictions。Thosewhodidsowereveryill—advisedfromthepointofviewoftheirownpersonalinterest;fortheywerepersecutedwithsavagelogicalityinspiteofthelaw;whilstthosewhomadenopretenceofhavinganyobjectiontowaratall，andhadnotonlyhadmilitarytraininginOfficers’TrainingCorps，buthadproclaimedonpublicoccasionsthattheywereperfectlyreadytoengageincivilwaronbehalfoftheirpoliticalopinions，wereallowedthebenefitoftheActonthegroundthattheydidnotapproveofthisparticularwar。FortheChristianstherewasnomercy。Incaseswheretheevidenceastotheirbeingkilledbyilltreatmentwassounequivocalthattheverdictwouldcertainlyhavebeenoneofwilfulmurderhadtheprejudiceofthecoroner’sjurybeenontheotherside，theirtormentorsweregratuitouslydeclaredtobeblameless。Therewasonlyonevirtue，pugnacity：onlyonevice，pacifism。Thatisanessentialconditionofwar;buttheGovernmenthadnotthecouragetolegislateaccordingly;anditslawwassetasideforLynchlaw。

TheclimaxoflegallawlessnesswasreachedinFrance。ThegreatestSocialiststatesmaninEurope，Jaures，wasshotandkilledbyagentlemanwhoresentedhiseffortstoavertthewar。

M。Clemenceauwasshotbyanothergentlemanoflesspopularopinions，andhappilycameoffnoworsethanhavingtospendaprecautionarycoupleofdaysinbed。TheslayerofJaureswasrecklesslyacquitted：thewould—beslayerofM。Clemenceauwascarefullyfoundguilty。ThereisnoreasontodoubtthatthesamethingwouldhavehappenedinEnglandifthewarhadbegunwithasuccessfulattempttoassassinateKeirHardie，andendedwithanunsuccessfulonetoassassinateMrLloydGeorge。

TheLongArmofWarThepestilencewhichistheusualaccompanimentofwarwascalledinfluenza。Whetheritwasreallyawarpestilenceornotwasmadedoubtfulbythefactthatitdiditsworstinplacesremotefromthebattlefields，notablyonthewestcoastofNorthAmericaandinIndia。Butthemoralpestilence，whichwasunquestionablyawarpestilence，reproducedthisphenomenon。Onewouldhavesupposedthatthewarfeverwouldhaveragedmostfuriouslyinthecountriesactuallyunderfire，andthattheotherswouldbemorereasonable。BelgiumandFlanders，whereoverlargedistrictsliterallynotonestonewasleftuponanotherastheopposedarmiesdroveeachotherbackandforwardoveritafterterrificpreliminarybombardments，mighthavebeenpardonedforrelievingtheirfeelingsmoreemphaticallythanbyshruggingtheirshouldersandsaying，\"C’estlaguerre。\"England，inviolateforsomanycenturiesthattheswoopofwaronherhomesteadshadlongceasedtobemorecrediblethanareturnoftheFlood，couldhardlybeexpectedtokeephertempersweetwhensheknewatlastwhatitwastohideincellarsandundergroundrailwaystations，orliequakinginbed，whilstbombscrashed，housescrumbled，andaircraftgunsdistributedshrapnelonfriendandfoealikeuntilcertainshopwindowsinLondon，formerlyfulloffashionablehats，werefilledwithsteelhelmets。Slainandmutilatedwomenandchildren，andburntandwreckeddwellings，excuseagooddealofviolentlanguage，andproduceawrathonwhichmanysunsgodownbeforeitisappeased。YetitwasintheUnitedStatesofAmericawherenobodyslepttheworseforthewar，thatthewarfeverwentbeyondallsenseandreason。InEuropeanCourtstherewasvindictiveillegality：inAmericanCourtstherewasravinglunacy。ItisnotformetochronicletheextravagancesofanAlly：letsomecandidAmericandothat。IcanonlysaythattoussittinginourgardensinEngland，withthegunsinFrancemakingthemselvesfeltbyathrobintheairasunmistakeableasanaudiblesound，orwithtighteningheartsstudyingthephasesofthemooninLondonintheirbearingonthechanceswhetherourhouseswouldbestandingorourselvesalivenextmorning，thenewspaperaccountsofthesentencesAmericanCourtswerepassingonyounggirlsandoldmenalikefortheexpressionofopinionswhichwerebeingutteredamidthunderingapplausebeforehugeaudiencesinEngland，andthemoreprivaterecordsofthemethodsbywhichtheAmericanWarLoanswereraised，weresoamazingthattheyputthegunsandthepossibilitiesofaraidcleanoutofourheadsforthemoment。

TheRabidWatchdogsofLibertyNotcontentwiththeserancorousabusesoftheexistinglaw，thewarmaniacsmadeafranticrushtoabolishallconstitutionalguaranteesoflibertyandwell—being。TheordinarylawwassupersededbyActsunderwhichnewspaperswereseizedandtheirprintingmachinerydestroyedbysimplepoliceraidsalaRusse，andpersonsarrestedandshotwithoutanypretenceoftrialbyjuryorpublicityofprocedureorevidence。Thoughitwasurgentlynecessarythatproductionshouldbeincreasedbythemostscientificorganizationandeconomyoflabor，andthoughnofactwasbetterestablishedthanthatexcessivedurationandintensityoftoilreducesproductionheavilyinsteadofincreasingit，thefactorylawsweresuspended，andmenandwomenrecklesslyover—workeduntilthelossoftheirefficiencybecametooglaringtobeignored。Remonstrancesandwarningsweremeteitherwithanaccusationofpro—Germanismortheformula，\"Rememberthatweareatwarnow。\"Ihavesaidthatmenassumedthatwarhadreversedtheorderofnature，andthatallwaslostunlesswedidtheexactoppositeofeverythingwehadfoundnecessaryandbeneficialinpeace。Butthetruthwasworsethanthat。Thewardidnotchangemen’smindsinanysuchimpossibleway。Whatreallyhappenedwasthattheimpactofphysicaldeathanddestruction，theonerealitythateveryfoolcanunderstand，toreoffthemasksofeducation，art，scienceandreligionfromourignoranceandbarbarism，andleftusgloryinggrotesquelyinthelicencesuddenlyaccordedtoourvilestpassionsandmostabjectterrors。EversinceThucydideswrotehishistory，ithasbeenonrecordthatwhentheangelofdeathsoundshistrumpetthepretencesofcivilizationareblownfrommen’sheadsintothemudlikehatsinagustofwind。Butwhenthisscripturewasfulfilledamongus，theshockwasnotthelessappallingbecauseafewstudentsofGreekhistorywerenotsurprisedbyit。Indeedthesestudentsthrewthemselvesintotheorgyasshamelesslyastheilliterate。TheChristianpriest，joininginthewardancewithouteventhrowingoffhiscassockfirst，andtherespectableschoolgovernorexpellingtheGermanprofessorwithinsultandbodilyviolence，anddeclaringthatnoEnglishchildshouldeveragainbetaughtthelanguageofLutherandGoethe，werekeptincountenancebythemostimpudentrepudiationsofeverydecencyofcivilizationandeverylessonofpoliticalexperienceonthepartoftheverypersonswho，asuniversityprofessors，historians，philosophers，andmenofscience，weretheaccreditedcustodiansofculture。Itwascrudelynatural，andperhapsnecessaryforrecruitingpurposes，thatGermanmilitarismandGermandynasticambitionshouldbepaintedbyjournalistsandrecruitersinblackandredasEuropeandangers（asinfacttheyare），leavingittobeinferredthatourownmilitarismandourownpoliticalconstitutionaremillenniallydemocratic（whichtheycertainlyarenot）;butwhenitcametofranticdenunciationsofGermanchemistry，Germanbiology，Germanpoetry，Germanmusic，Germanliterature，Germanphilosophy，andevenGermanengineering，asmalignantabominationsstandingtowardsBritishandFrenchchemistryandsoforthintherelationofheaventohell，itwasclearthattheutterersofsuchbarbarousravingshadneverreallyunderstoodorcaredfortheartsandsciencestheyprofessedandwereprofaning，andwereonlytheappallinglydegeneratedescendantsofthemenoftheseventeenthandeighteenthcenturieswho，recognizingnonationalfrontiersinthegreatrealmofthehumanmind，kepttheEuropeancomityofthatrealmloftilyandevenostentatiouslyabovetherancorsofthebattle—field。TearingtheGarterfromtheKaiser’sleg，strikingtheGermandukesfromtherollofourpeerage，changingtheKing’sillustriousandhistoricallyappropriatesurname（forthewarwastheoldwarofGuelphagainstGhibelline，withtheKaiserasArch—Ghibelline）tothatofatraditionlesslocality。

OnefeltthatthefigureofSt。GeorgeandtheDragononourcoinageshouldbereplacedbythatofthesoldierdrivinghisspearthroughArchimedes。Butbythattimetherewasnocoinage：

onlypapermoneyinwhichtenshillingscalleditselfapoundasconfidentlyasthepeoplewhoweredisgracingtheircountrycalledthemselvespatriots。

TheSufferingsoftheSaneThementaldistressoflivingamidtheobscenedinofallthesecarmagnolesandcorobberieswasnottheonlyburdenthatlayonsanepeopleduringthewar。Therewasalsotheemotionalstrain，complicatedbytheoffendedeconomicsense，producedbythecasualtylists。Thestupid，theselfish，thenarrow—minded，thecallousandunimaginativeweresparedagreatdeal。\"Bloodanddestructionshallbesoinusethatmothersshallbutsmilewhentheybeholdtheirinfantesquarteredbythehandsofwar，\"wasaShakespeareanprophecythatverynearlycametrue;forwhennearlyeveryhousehadaslaughteredsontomourn，weshouldallhavegonequiteoutofoursensesifwehadtakenourownandourfriend’sbereavementsattheirpeacevalue。Itbecamenecessarytogivethemafalsevalue;toproclaimtheyounglifeworthilyandgloriouslysacrificedtoredeemthelibertyofmankind，insteadoftoexpiatetheheedlessnessandfollyoftheirfathers，andexpiateitinvain。Wehadeventoassumethattheparentsandnotthechildrenhadmadethesacrifice，untilatlastthecomicpapersweredriventosatirizefatoldmen，sittingcomfortablyinclubchairs，andboastingofthesonstheyhad\"given\"totheircountry。

Noonegrudgedtheseanodynestoacutepersonalgrief;buttheyonlyembitteredthosewhoknewthattheyoungmenwerehavingtheirteethsetonedgebecausetheirparentshadeatensourpoliticalgrapes。Thenthinkoftheyoungmenthemselves！Manyofthemhadnoillusionsaboutthepolicythatledtothewar：theywentclear—sightedtoahorriblyrepugnantduty。Menessentiallygentleandessentiallywise，withreallyvaluableworkinhand，laiditdownvoluntarilyandspentmonthsformingfoursinthebarrackyard，andstabbingsacksofstrawinthepubliceye，sothattheymightgoouttokillandmaimmenasgentleasthemselves。Thesemen，whowereperhaps，asaclass，ourmostefficientsoldiers（FrederickKeeling，forexample），werenotdupedforamomentbythehypocriticalmelodramathatconsoledandstimulatedtheothers。Theylefttheircreativeworktodrudgeatdestruction，exactlyastheywouldhaveleftittotaketheirturnatthepumpsinasinkingship。Theydidnot，likesomeoftheconscientiousobjectors，holdbackbecausetheshiphadbeenneglectedbyitsofficersandscuttledbyitswreckers。

Theshiphadtobesaved，evenifNewtonhadtoleavehisfluxionsandMichaelAngelohismarblestosaveit;sotheythrewawaythetoolsoftheirbeneficentandennoblingtrades，andtookuptheblood—stainedbayonetandthemurderousbomb，forcingthemselvestoperverttheirdivineinstinctforperfectartisticexecutiontotheeffectivehandlingofthesediabolicalthings，andtheireconomicfacultyfororganizationtothecontrivingofruinandslaughter。Foritgaveanironicedgetotheirtragedythattheverytalentstheywereforcedtoprostitutemadetheprostitutionnotonlyeffective，buteveninteresting;sothatsomeofthemwererapidlypromoted，andfoundthemselvesactuallybecomingartistsinwax，withagrowingrelishforit，likeNapoleonandalltheotherscourgesofmankind，inspiteofthemselves。Formanyofthemtherewasnoteventhisconsolation。

They\"stuckit，\"andhatedit，totheend。

EvilintheThroneofGoodThisdistressofthegentlewassoacutethatthosewhoshareditincivillife，withouthavingtoshedbloodwiththeirownhands，orwitnessdestructionwiththeirowneyes，hardlycaretoobtrudetheirownwoes。Nevertheless，evenwhensittingathomeinsafety，itwasnoteasyforthosewhohadtowriteandspeakaboutthewartothrowawaytheirhighestconscience，anddeliberatelyworktoastandardofinevitableevilinsteadoftotheidealoflifemoreabundant。IcananswerforatleastonepersonwhofoundthechangefromthewisdomofJesusandSt。

FrancistothemoralsofRichardIIIandthemadnessofDonQuixoteextremelyirksome。Butthatchangehadtobemade;andwearealltheworseforit，exceptthoseforwhomitwasnotreallyachangeatall，butonlyarelieffromhypocrisy。

Think，too，ofthosewho，thoughtheyhadneithertowritenortofight，andhadnochildrenoftheirowntolose，yetknewtheinestimablelosstotheworldoffouryearsofthelifeofagenerationwastedondestruction。Hardlyoneoftheepoch—makingworksofthehumanmindmightnothavebeenabortedordestroyedbytakingtheirauthorsawayfromtheirnaturalworkforfourcriticalyears。NotonlywereShakespearesandPlatosbeingkilledoutright;butmanyofthebestharvestsofthesurvivorshadtobesowninthebarrensoilofthetrenches。AndthiswasnomereBritishconsideration。Tothetrulycivilizedman，tothegoodEuropean，theslaughteroftheGermanyouthwasasdisastrousastheslaughteroftheEnglish。Foolsexultedin\"Germanlosses。\"Theywereourlossesaswell。ImagineexultinginthedeathofBeethovenbecauseBillSykesdealthimhisdeathblow！

StrainingattheGnatandswallowingtheCamelButmostpeoplecouldnotcomprehendthesesorrows。Therewasafrivolousexultationindeathforitsownsake，whichwasatbottomaninabilitytorealizethatthedeathswererealdeathsandnotstageones。Againandagain，whenanairraiderdroppedabombwhichtoreachildanditsmotherlimbfromlimb，thepeoplewhosawit，thoughtheyhadbeenreadingwithgreatcheerfulnessofthousandsofsuchhappeningsdayafterdayintheirnewspapers，suddenlyburstintofuriousimprecationson\"theHuns\"asmurderers，andshriekedforsavageandsatisfyingvengeance。Atsuchmomentsitbecameclearthatthedeathstheyhadnotseenmeantnomoretothemthanthemimicdeathofthecinemascreen。Sometimesitwasnotnecessarythatdeathshouldbeactuallywitnessed：ithadonlytotakeplaceundercircumstancesofsufficientnoveltyandproximitytobringithomealmostassensationallyandeffectivelyasifithadbeenactuallyvisible。

Forexample，inthespringof1915therewasanappallingslaughterofouryoungsoldiersatNeuveChapelleandattheGallipolilanding。Iwillnotgosofarastosaythatourciviliansweredelightedtohavesuchexcitingnewstoreadatbreakfast。ButIcannotpretendthatInoticedeitherinthepapers，oringeneralintercourse，anyfeelingbeyondtheusualonethatthecinemashowatthefrontwasgoingsplendidly，andthatourboyswerethebravestofthebrave。SuddenlytherecamethenewsthatanAtlanticliner，theLusitania，hadbeentorpedoed，andthatseveralwell—knownfirst—classpassengers，includingafamoustheatricalmanagerandtheauthorofapopularfarce，hadbeendrowned，amongothers。TheothersincludedSirHughLane;butashehadonlylaidthecountryundergreatobligationsinthesphereofthefinearts，nogreatstresswaslaidonthatloss。Immediatelyanamazingfrenzysweptthroughthecountry。Menwhouptothattimehadkepttheirheadsnowlostthemutterly。\"Killingsaloonpassengers！Whatnext？\"wastheessenceofthewholeagitation;butitisfartootrivialaphrasetoconveythefaintestnotionoftheragewhichpossessedus。Tome，withmymindfullofthehideouscostofNeuveChapelle，Ypres，andtheGallipolilanding，thefussabouttheLusitaniaseemedalmostaheartlessimpertinence，thoughIwaswellacquaintedpersonallywiththethreebest—knownvictims，andunderstood，betterperhapsthanmostpeople，themisfortuneofthedeathofLane。Ievenfoundagrimsatisfaction，veryintelligibletoallsoldiers，inthefactthatthecivilianswhofoundthewarsuchsplendidBritishsportshouldgetasharptasteofwhatitwastotheactualcombatants。Iexpressedmyimpatienceveryfreely，andfoundthatmyverystraightforwardandnaturalfeelinginthematterwasreceivedasamonstrousandheartlessparadox。WhenIaskedthosewhogapedatmewhethertheyhadanythingtosayabouttheholocaustofFestubert，theygapedwiderthanbefore，havingtotallyforgottenit，orrather，havingneverrealizedit。TheywerenotheartlessanymorethanI

was;butthebigcatastrophewastoobigforthemtograsp，andthelittleonehadbeenjusttherightsizeforthem。Iwasnotsurprised。HaveInotseenapublicbodyforjustthesamereasonpassavotefor？0，000withoutaword，andthenspendthreespecialmeetings，prolongedintothenight，overanitemofsevenshillingsforrefreshments？

LittleMindsandBigBattlesNobodywillbeabletounderstandthevagariesofpublicfeelingduringthewarunlesstheybearconstantlyinmindthatthewarinitsentiremagnitudedidnotexistfortheaveragecivilian。

Hecouldnotconceiveevenabattle，muchlessacampaign。Tothesuburbsthewarwasnothingbutasuburbansquabble。TotheminerandnavvyitwasonlyaseriesofbayonetfightsbetweenGermanchampionsandEnglishones。Theenormityofitwasquitebeyondmostofus。Itsepisodeshadtobereducedtothedimensionsofarailwayaccidentorashipwreckbeforeitcouldproduceanyeffectonourmindsatall。ToustheridiculousbombardmentsofScarboroughandRamsgatewerecolossaltragedies，andthebattleofJutlandamereballad。Thewords\"afterthoroughartillerypreparation\"inthenewsfromthefrontmeantnothingtous;butwhenourseasidetripperslearnedthatanelderlygentlemanatbreakfastinaweek—endmarinehotelhadbeeninterruptedbyabombdroppingintohisegg—cup，theirwrathandhorrorknewnobounds。Theydeclaredthatthiswouldputanewspiritintothearmy;andhadnosuspicionthatthesoldiersinthetrenchesroaredwithlaughteroveritfordays，andtoldeachotherthatitwoulddotheblightersathomegoodtohaveatasteofwhatthearmywasupagainst。Sometimesthesmallnessofviewwaspathetic。Amanwouldworkathomeregardlessofthecall\"tomaketheworldsafefordemocracy。\"Hisbrotherwouldbekilledatthefront。ImmediatelyhewouldthrowuphisworkandtakeupthewarasafamilybloodfeudagainsttheGermans。Sometimesitwascomic。Awoundedman，entitledtohisdischarge，wouldreturntothetrencheswithagrimdeterminationtofindtheHunwhohadwoundedhimandpayhimoutforit。

Itisimpossibletoestimatewhatproportionofus，inkhakioroutofit，graspedthewaranditspoliticalantecedentsasawholeinthelightofanyphilosophyofhistoryorknowledgeofwhatwaris。Idoubtwhetheritwasashighasourproportionofhighermathematicians。Buttherecanbenodoubtthatitwasprodigiouslyoutnumberedbythecomparativelyignorantandchildish。Rememberthatthesepeoplehadtobestimulatedtomakethesacrificesdemandedbythewar，andthatthiscouldnotbedonebyappealstoaknowledgewhichtheydidnotpossess，andacomprehensionofwhichtheywereincapable。Whenthearmisticeatlastsetmefreetotellthetruthaboutthewaratthefollowinggeneralelection，asoldiersaidtoacandidatewhomIwassupporting，\"IfIhadknownallthatin1914，theywouldneverhavegotmeintokhaki。\"Andthat，ofcourse，waspreciselywhyithadbeennecessarytostuffhimwitharomancethatanydiplomatistwouldhavelaughedat。Thusthenaturalconfusionofignorancewasincreasedbyadeliberatelypropagatedconfusionofnurserybogeystoriesandmelodramaticnonsense，whichatlastoverreacheditselfandmadeitimpossibletostopthewarbeforewehadnotonlyachievedthetriumphofvanquishingtheGermanarmyandtherebyoverthrowingitsmilitaristmonarchy，butmadetheveryseriousmistakeofruiningthecentreofEurope，athingthatnosaneEuropeanStatecouldaffordtodo。

TheDumbCapablesandtheNoisyIncapablesConfrontedwiththispictureofinsensatedelusionandfolly，thecriticalreaderwillimmediatelycounterpleadthatEnglandallthistimewasconductingawarwhichinvolvedtheorganizationofseveralmillionsoffightingmenandoftheworkerswhoweresupplyingthemwithprovisions，munitions，andtransport，andthatthiscouldnothavebeendonebyamobofhystericalranters。Thisisfortunatelytrue。Topassfromthenewspaperofficesandpoliticalplatformsandclubfendersandsuburbandrawing—roomstotheArmyandthemunitionfactorieswastopassfromBedlamtothebusiestandsanestofworkadayworlds。ItwastorediscoverEngland，andfindsolidgroundforthefaithofthosewhostillbelievedinher。Butanecessaryconditionofthisefficiencywasthatthosewhowereefficientshouldgivealltheirtimetotheirbusinessandleavetherabbleravingtoitsheart’scontent。Indeedtheravingwasusefultotheefficient，because，asitwasalwayswideofthemark，itoftendistractedattentionveryconvenientlyfromoperationsthatwouldhavebeendefeatedorhinderedbypublicity。ApreceptwhichIendeavoredvainlytopopularizeearlyinthewar，\"Ifyouhaveanythingtodogoanddoit：ifnot，forheaven’ssakegetoutoftheway，\"

wasonlyhalfcarriedout。Certainlythecapablepeoplewentanddidit;buttheincapableswouldbynomeansgetoutoftheway：

theyfussedandbawledandwereonlypreventedfromgettingveryseriouslyintothewaybytheblessedfactthattheyneverknewwherethewaywas。ThuswhilstalltheefficiencyofEnglandwassilentandinvisible，allitsimbecilitywasdeafeningtheheavenswithitsclamorandblottingoutthesunwithitsdust。

ItwasalsounfortunatelyintimidatingtheGovernmentbyitsblusteringsintousingtheirresistiblepowersoftheStatetointimidatethesensiblepeople，thusenablingadespicableminorityofwould—belyncherstosetupareignofterrorwhichcouldatanytimehavebeenbrokenbyasinglesternwordfromaresponsibleminister。Butourministershadnotthatsortofcourage：neitherHeartbreakHousenorHorsebackHallhadbredit，muchlessthesuburbs。Whenmattersatlastcametothelootingofshopsbycriminalsunderpatrioticpretexts，itwasthepoliceforceandnottheGovernmentthatputitsfootdown。Therewasevenonedeplorablemoment，duringthesubmarinescare，inwhichtheGovernmentyieldedtoachildishcryforthemaltreatmentofnavalprisonersofwar，and，toourgreatdisgrace，wasforcedbytheenemytobehaveitself。Andyetbehindallthispublicblunderingandmisconductandfutilemischief，theeffectiveEnglandwascarryingonwiththemostformidablecapacityandactivity。TheostensibleEnglandwasmakingtheempiresickwithitsincontinences，itsignorances，itsferocities，itspanics，anditsendlessandintolerableblaringsofAlliednationalanthemsinseasonandout。TheesotericEnglandwasproceedingirresistiblytotheconquestofEurope。

ThePracticalBusinessMen>Fromthebeginningtheuselesspeoplesetupashriekfor\"practicalbusinessmen。\"Bythistheymeantmenwhohadbecomerichbyplacingtheirpersonalinterestsbeforethoseofthecountry，andmeasuringthesuccessofeveryactivitybythepecuniaryprofititbroughttothemandtothoseonwhomtheydependedfortheirsuppliesofcapital。Thepitiablefailureofsomeconspicuoussamplesfromthefirstbatchwetriedofthesepoordevilshelpedtogivethewholepublicsideofthewaranairofmonstrousandhopelessfarce。Theyprovednotonlythattheywereuselessforpublicwork，butthatinawell—orderednationtheywouldneverhavebeenallowedtocontrolprivateenterprise。

HowtheFoolsshoutedtheWiseMendownThus，likeafertilecountryfloodedwithmud，Englandshowednosignofhergreatnessinthedayswhenshewasputtingforthallherstrengthtosaveherselffromtheworstconsequencesofherlittleness。Mostofthemenofaction，occupiedtothelasthouroftheirtimewithurgentpracticalwork，hadtoleavetoidlerpeople，ortoprofessionalrhetoricians，thepresentationofthewartothereasonandimaginationofthecountryandtheworldinspeeches，poems，manifestoes，pictureposters，andnewspaperarticles。Ihavehadtheprivilegeofhearingsomeofourablestcommanderstalkingabouttheirwork;andIhavesharedthecommonlotofreadingtheaccountsofthatworkgiventotheworldbythenewspapers。Notwoexperiencescouldbemoredifferent。Butintheendthetalkersobtainedadangerousascendancyovertherankandfileofthemenofaction;forthoughthegreatmenofactionarealwaysinveteratetalkersandoftenverycleverwriters，andthereforecannothavetheirmindsformedforthembyothers，theaveragemanofaction，liketheaveragefighterwiththebayonet，cangivenoaccountofhimselfinwordseventohimself，andisapttopickupandacceptwhathereadsabouthimselfandotherpeopleinthepapers，exceptwhenthewriterisrashenoughtocommithimselfontechnicalpoints。Itwasnotuncommonduringthewartohearasoldier，oracivilianengagedonwarwork，describingeventswithinhisownexperiencethatreducedtoutterabsurditytheravingsandmaunderingsofhisdailypaper，andyetechotheopinionsofthatpaperlikeaparrot。Thus，toescapefromtheprevailingconfusionandfolly，itwasnotenoughtoseekthecompanyoftheordinarymanofaction：onehadtogetintocontactwiththemasterspirits。Thiswasaprivilegewhichonlyahandfulofpeoplecouldenjoy。Fortheunprivilegedcitizentherewasnoescape。Tohimthewholecountryseemedmad，futile，silly，incompetent，withnohopeofvictoryexceptthehopethattheenemymightbejustasmad。Onlybyveryresolutereflectionandreasoningcouldhereassurehimselfthatiftherewasnothingmoresolidbeneaththeirappallingappearancesthewarcouldnotpossiblyhavegoneonforasingledaywithoutatotalbreakdownofitsorganization。

TheMadElectionHappywerethefoolsandthethoughtlessmenofactioninthosedays。Theworstofitwasthatthefoolswereverystronglyrepresentedinparliament，asfoolsnotonlyelectfools，butcanpersuademenofactiontoelectthemtoo。Theelectionthatimmediatelyfollowedthearmisticewasperhapsthemaddestthathasevertakenplace。Soldierswhohaddonevoluntaryandheroicserviceinthefieldweredefeatedbypersonswhohadapparentlyneverrunariskorspentafarthingthattheycouldavoid，andwhoevenhadinthecourseoftheelectiontoapologizepubliclyforbawlingPacifistorPro—Germanattheiropponent。Partyleadersseeksuchfollowers，whocanalwaysbedependedontowalktamelyintothelobbyatthepartywhip’sorders，providedtheleaderwillmaketheirseatssafeforthembytheprocesswhichwascalled，inderisivereferencetothewarrationingsystem，\"givingthemthecoupon。\"OtherincidentsweresogrotesquethatIcannotmentionthemwithoutenablingthereadertoidentifytheparties，whichwouldnotbefair，astheywerenomoretoblamethanthousandsofotherswhomustnecessarilybenameless。Thegeneralresultwaspatentlyabsurd;andtheelectorate，disgustedatitsownwork，instantlyrecoiledtotheoppositeextreme，andcastoutallthecouponcandidatesattheearliestbye—electionsbyequallysillymajorities。Butthemischiefofthegeneralelectioncouldnotbeundone;andtheGovernmenthadnotonlytopretendtoabuseitsEuropeanvictoryasithadpromised，butactuallytodoitbystarvingtheenemieswhohadthrowndowntheirarms。Ithad，inshort，wontheelectionbypledgingitselftobethriftlesslywicked，cruel，andvindictive;anditdidnotfinditaseasytoescapefromthispledgeasithadfromnoblerones。Theend，asIwrite，isnotyet;butitisclearthatthisthoughtlesssavagerywillrecoilontheheadsoftheAlliessoseverelythatweshallbeforcedbythesternestnecessitytotakeupourshareofhealingtheEuropewehavewoundedalmosttodeathinsteadofattemptingtocompleteherdestruction。

TheYahooandtheAngryApeContemplatingthispictureofastateofmankindsorecentthatnodenialofitstruthispossible，oneunderstandsShakespearecomparingMantoanangryape，SwiftdescribinghimasaYahoorebukedbythesuperiorvirtueofthehorse，andWellingtondeclaringthattheBritishcanbehavethemselvesneitherinvictorynordefeat。Yetnoneofthethreehadseenwaraswehaveseenit。Shakespeareblamedgreatmen，sayingthat\"CouldgreatmenthunderasJovehimselfdoes，Jovewouldne’erbequiet;foreverypeltingpettyofficerwouldusehisheavenforthunder：

nothingbutthunder。\"WhatwouldShakespearehavesaidifhehadseensomethingfarmoredestructivethanthunderinthehandofeveryvillagelaborer，andfoundontheMessinesRidgethecratersofthenineteenvolcanoesthatwereletloosethereatthetouchofafingerthatmighthavebeenachild’sfingerwithouttheresultbeingawhitlessruinous？ShakespearemayhaveseenaStratfordcottagestruckbyoneofJove’sthunderbolts，andhavehelpedtoextinguishthelightedthatchandclearawaythebitsofthebrokenchimney。WhatwouldhehavesaidifhehadseenYpresasitisnow，orreturnedtoStratford，asFrenchpeasantsarereturningtotheirhomesto—day，tofindtheoldfamiliarsignpostinscribed\"ToStratford，1mile，\"andattheendofthemilenothingbutsomeholesinthegroundandafragmentofabrokenchurnhereandthere？WouldnotthespectacleoftheangryapeendowedwithpowersofdestructionthatJoveneverpretendedto，havebeggaredevenhiscommandofwords？

Andyet，whatistheretosayexceptthatwarputsastrainonhumannaturethatbreaksdownthebetterhalfofit，andmakestheworsehalfadiabolicalvirtue？Better，forusifitbrokeitdownaltogether，forthenthewarlikewayoutofourdifficultieswouldbebarredtous，andweshouldtakegreatercarenottogetintothem。Intruth，itis，asByronsaid，\"notdifficulttodie，\"andenormouslydifficulttolive：thatexplainswhy，atbottom，peaceisnotonlybetterthanwar，butinfinitelymorearduous。DidanyheroofthewarfacethegloriousriskofdeathmorebravelythanthetraitorBolofacedtheignominiouscertaintyofit？Bolotaughtusallhowtodie：canwesaythathetaughtusallhowtolive？Hardlyaweekpassesnowwithoutsomesoldierwhobraveddeathinthefieldsorecklesslythathewasdecoratedorspeciallycommendedforit，beinghaledbeforeourmagistratesforhavingfailedtoresistthepaltriesttemptationsofpeace，withnobetterexcusethantheoldonethat\"amanmustlive。\"Strangethatonewho，soonerthandohonestwork，willsellhishonorforabottleofwine，avisittothetheatre，andanhourwithastrangewoman，allobtainedbypassingaworthlesscheque，couldyetstakehislifeonthemostdesperatechancesofthebattle—field！Doesitnotseemasif，afterall，thegloryofdeathwerecheaperthanthegloryoflife？Ifitisnoteasiertoattain，whydosomanymoremenattainit？AtalleventsitisclearthatthekingdomofthePrinceofPeacehasnotyetbecomethekingdomofthisworld。HisattemptsatinvasionhavebeenresistedfarmorefiercelythantheKaiser’s。Successfulasthatresistancehasbeen，ithaspiledupasortofNationalDebtthatisnotthelessoppressivebecausewehavenofiguresforitanddonotintendtopayit。A

blockadethatcutsoff\"thegraceofourLord\"isinthelongrunlessbearablethantheblockadeswhichmerelycutoffrawmaterials;andagainstthatblockadeourArmadaisimpotent。Intheblockader’shouse，hehasassuredus，therearemanymansions;butIamafraidtheydonotincludeeitherHeartbreakHouseorHorsebackHall。

PlagueonBothyourHouses！

MeanwhiletheBolshevistpicksandpetardsareatworkonthefoundationsofbothbuildings;andthoughtheBolshevistsmaybeburiedintheruins，theirdeathswillnotsavetheedifices。

Unfortunatelytheycanbebuiltagain。LikeDoubtingCastle，theyhavebeendemolishedmanytimesbysuccessiveGreathearts，andrebuiltbySimple，Sloth，andPresumption，byFeebleMindandMuchAfraid，andbyallthejurymenofVanityFair。Anothergenerationof\"secondaryeducation\"atourancientpublicschoolsandthecheaperinstitutionsthatapethemwillbequitesufficienttokeepthetwogoinguntilthenextwar。FortheinstructionofthatgenerationIleavethesepagesasarecordofwhatcivilianlifewasduringthewar：amatteronwhichhistoryisusuallysilent。Fortunatelyitwasaveryshortwar。Itistruethatthepeoplewhothoughtitcouldnotlastmorethansixmonthswereverysignallyrefutedbytheevent。AsSirDouglasHaighaspointedout，itsWaterlooslastedmonthsinsteadofhours。Buttherewouldhavebeennothingsurprisinginitslastingthirtyyears。IfithadnotbeenforthefactthattheblockadeachievedtheamazingfeatofstarvingoutEurope，whichitcouldnotpossiblyhavedonehadEuropebeenproperlyorganizedforwar，orevenforpeace，thewarwouldhavelasteduntilthebelligerentsweresotiredofitthattheycouldnolongerbecompelledtocompelthemselvestogoonwithit。

Consideringitsmagnitude，thewarof1914—18willcertainlybeclassedastheshortestinhistory。Theendcamesosuddenlythatthecombatantliterallystumbledoverit;andyetitcameafullyearlaterthanitshouldhavecomeifthebelligerentshadnotbeenfartooafraidofoneanothertofacethesituationsensibly。Germany，havingfailedtoprovideforthewarshebegan，failedagaintosurrenderbeforeshewasdangerouslyexhausted。Heropponents，equallyimprovident，wentasmuchtooclosetobankruptcyasGermanytostarvation。Itwasabluffatwhichbothwerebluffed。And，withtheusualironyofwar，itremainsdoubtfulwhetherGermanyandRussia，thedefeated，willnotbethegainers;forthevictorsarealreadybusyfasteningonthemselvesthechainstheyhavestruckfromthelimbsofthevanquished。

HowtheTheatrefaredLetusnowcontractourviewratherviolentlyfromtheEuropeantheatreofwartothetheatreinwhichthefightsareshamfights，andtheslain，risingthemomentthecurtainhasfallen，gocomfortablyhometosupperafterwashingofftheirrose—pinkwounds。ItisnearlytwentyyearssinceIwaslastobligedtointroduceaplayintheformofabookforlackofanopportunityofpresentingitinitspropermodebyaperformanceinatheatre。Thewarhasthrownmebackonthisexpedient。HeartbreakHousehasnotyetreachedthestage。IhavewithhelditbecausethewarhascompletelyupsettheeconomicconditionswhichformerlyenabledseriousdramatopayitswayinLondon。Thechangeisnotinthetheatresnorinthemanagementofthem，norintheauthorsandactors，butintheaudiences。ForfouryearstheLondontheatreswerecrowdedeverynightwiththousandsofsoldiersonleavefromthefront。ThesesoldierswerenotseasonedLondonplaygoers。Achildishexperienceofmyowngavemeacluetotheircondition。WhenIwasasmallboyIwastakentotheopera。Ididnotthenknowwhatanoperawas，thoughI

couldwhistleagooddealofoperamusic。Ihadseeninmymother’salbumphotographsofallthegreatoperasingers，mostlyineveningdress。InthetheatreIfoundmyselfbeforeagildedbalconyfilledwithpersonsineveningdresswhomItooktobetheoperasingers。IpickedoutonemassivedarkladyasAlboni，andwonderedhowsoonshewouldstandupandsing。IwaspuzzledbythefactthatIwasmadetositwithmybacktothesingersinsteadoffacingthem。Whenthecurtainwentup，myastonishmentanddelightwereunbounded。

TheSoldierattheTheatreFrontIn1915，Isawinthetheatresmeninkhakiinjustthesamepredicament。Toeveryonewhohadmycluetotheirstateofminditwasevidentthattheyhadneverbeeninatheatrebeforeanddidnotknowwhatitwas。AtoneofourgreatvarietytheatresI

satbesideayoungofficer，notatallaroughspecimen，who，evenwhenthecurtainroseandenlightenedhimastotheplacewherehehadtolookforhisentertainment，foundthedramaticpartofitutterlyincomprehensible。Hedidnotknowhowtoplayhispartofthegame。Hecouldunderstandthepeopleonthestagesinginganddancingandperforminggymnasticfeats。Henotonlyunderstoodbutintenselyenjoyedanartistwhoimitatedcockscrowingandpigssqueaking。Butthepeoplewhopretendedthattheyweresomebodyelse，andthatthepaintedpicturebehindthemwasreal，bewilderedhim。InhispresenceIrealizedhowverysophisticatedthenaturalmanhastobecomebeforetheconventionsofthetheatrecanbeeasilyacceptable，orthepurposeofthedramaobvioustohim。

Well，fromthemomentwhentheroutineofleaveforoursoldierswasestablished，suchnovices，accompaniedbydamsels（calledflappers）oftenasinnocentasthemselves，crowdedthetheatrestothedoors。Itwashardlypossibleatfirsttofindstuffcrudeenoughtonursethemon。Thebestmusic—hallcomediansransackedtheirmemoriesfortheoldestquipsandthemostchildishanticstoavoidcarryingthemilitaryspectatorsoutoftheirdepth。I

believethatthiswasamistakeasfarasthenoviceswereconcerned。Shakespeare，orthedramatizedhistoriesofGeorgeBarnwell，MariaMartin，ortheDemonBarberofFleetStreet，wouldprobablyhavebeenquitepopularwiththem。Butthenoviceswereonlyaminorityafterall。Thecultivatedsoldier，whointimeofpeacewouldlookatnothingtheatricalexceptthemostadvancedpostIbsenplaysinthemostartisticsettings，foundhimself，tohisownastonishment，thirstingforsillyjokes，dances，andbrainlesslysensuousexhibitionsofprettygirls。Theauthorofsomeofthemostgrimlyseriousplaysofourtimetoldmethatafterenduringthetrenchesformonthswithoutaglimpseofthefemaleofhisspecies，itgavehimanentirelyinnocentbutdelightfulpleasuremerelytoseeaflapper。Thereactionfromthebattle—fieldproducedaconditionofhyperaesthesiainwhichallthetheatricalvalueswerealtered。Trivialthingsgainedintensityandstalethingsnovelty。Theactor，insteadofhavingtocoaxhisaudiencesoutoftheboredomwhichhaddriventhemtothetheatreinanillhumortoseeksomesortofdistraction，hadonlytoexploittheblissofsmilingmenwhowerenolongerunderfireandundermilitarydiscipline，butactuallycleanandcomfortableandinamoodtobepleasedwithanythingandeverythingthatabevyofprettygirlsandafunnyman，orevenabevyofgirlspretendingtobeprettyandamanpretendingtobefunny，coulddoforthem。

Thencouldbeseeneverynightinthetheatresoldfashionedfarcicalcomedies，inwhichabedroom，withfourdoorsoneachsideandapracticablewindowinthemiddle，wasunderstoodtoresembleexactlythebedroomintheflatsbeneathandabove，allthreeinhabitedbycouplesconsumedwithjealousy。Whenthesepeoplecamehomedrunkatnight;mistooktheirneighbor’sflatsfortheirown;andinduecoursegotintothewrongbeds，itwasnotonlythenoviceswhofoundtheresultingcomplicationsandscandalsexquisitelyingeniousandamusing，northeirequallyverdantflapperswhocouldnothelpsquealinginamannerthatastonishedtheoldestperformerswhenthegentlemanwhohadjustcomeindrunkthroughthewindowpretendedtoundress，andallowedglimpsesofhisnakedpersontobedescriedfromtimetotime。

HeartbreakHouseMenwhohadjustreadthenewsthatCharlesWyndhamwasdying，andweretherebysadlyremindedofPinkDominosandthetorrentoffarcicalcomediesthatfolloweditinhisheydayuntileverytrickofthattradehadbecomesostalethatthelaughtertheyprovokedturnedtoloathing：theseveteransalso，whentheyreturnedfromthefield，wereasmuchpleasedbywhattheyknewtobestaleandfoolishasthenovicesbywhattheythoughtfreshandclever。

CommerceintheTheatreWellingtonsaidthatanarmymovesonitsbelly。SodoesaLondontheatre。Beforeamanactshemusteat。Beforeheperformsplayshemustpayrent。InLondonwehavenotheatresforthewelfareofthepeople：theyareallforthesolepurposeofproducingtheutmostobtainablerentfortheproprietor。IfthetwinflatsandtwinbedsproduceaguineamorethanShakespeare，outgoesShakespeareandincomethetwinflatsandthetwinbeds。IfthebrainlessbevyofprettygirlsandthefunnymanoutbidMozart，outgoesMozart。

UnserShakespeareBeforethewaraneffortwasmadetoremedythisbyestablishinganationaltheatreincelebrationofthetercentenaryofthedeathofShakespeare。Acommitteewasformed;andallsortsofillustriousandinfluentialpersonslenttheirnamestoagrandappealtoournationalculture。Myplay，TheDarkLadyofTheSonnets，wasoneoftheincidentsofthatappeal。AftersomeyearsofefforttheresultwasasinglehandsomesubscriptionfromaGermangentleman。Likethecelebratedswearerintheanecdotewhenthecartcontainingallhishouseholdgoodslostitstailboardatthetopofthehillandletitscontentsrollinruintothebottom，Icanonlysay，\"Icannotdojusticetothissituation，\"andletitpasswithoutanotherword。

TheHigherDramaputoutofActionTheeffectofthewarontheLondontheatresmaynowbeimagined。

Thebedsandthebeviesdroveeveryhigherformofartoutofit。

Rentswentuptoanunprecedentedfigure。Atthesametimepricesdoubledeverywhereexceptatthetheatrepay—boxes，andraisedtheexpensesofmanagementtosuchadegreethatunlessthehouseswerequitefulleverynight，profitwasimpossible。Evenbaresolvencycouldnotbeattainedwithoutaverywidepopularity。NowwhathadmadeseriousdramapossibletoalimitedextentbeforethewarwasthataplaycouldpayitswayevenifthetheatrewereonlyhalffulluntilSaturdayandthree—quartersfullthen。Amanagerwhowasanenthusiastandadesperatelyhardworker，withanoccasionalgrant—in—aidfromanartisticallydisposedmillionaire，andadueproportionofthoserareandhappyaccidentsbywhichplaysofthehighersortturnouttobepotboilersaswell，couldholdoutforsomeyears，bywhichtimearelaymightarriveinthepersonofanotherenthusiast。ThusandnototherwiseoccurredthatremarkablerevivaloftheBritishdramaatthebeginningofthecenturywhichmademyowncareerasaplaywrightpossibleinEngland。InAmericaIhadalreadyestablishedmyself，notaspartoftheordinarytheatresystem，butinassociationwiththeexceptionalgeniusofRichardMansfield。InGermanyandAustriaIhadnodifficulty：thesystemofpubliclyaidedtheatresthere，CourtandMunicipal，keptdramaofthekindIdealtinalive;sothatIwasindebtedtotheEmperorofAustriaformagnificentproductionsofmyworksatatimewhenthesoleofficialattentionpaidmebytheBritishCourtswastheannouncementtotheEnglish—speakingworldthatcertainplaysofminewereunfitforpublicperformance，asubstantialset—offagainstthisbeingthattheBritishCourt，inthecourseofitsprivateplaygoing，paidnoregardtothebadcharactergivenmebythechiefofficerofitshousehold。

Howbeit，thefactthatmyplayseffectedalodgmentontheLondonstage，andwerepresentlyfollowedbytheplaysofGranvilleBarker，GilbertMurray，JohnMasefield，St。JohnHankin，LawrenceHousman，ArnoldBennett，JohnGalsworthy，JohnDrinkwater，andotherswhichwouldinthenineteenthcenturyhavestoodratherlesschanceofproductionataLondontheatrethantheDialoguesofPlato，nottomentionrevivalsoftheancientAtheniandramaandarestorationtothestageofShakespeare’splaysashewrotethem，wasmadeeconomicallypossiblesolelybyasupplyoftheatreswhichcouldholdnearlytwiceasmuchmoneyasitcosttorentandmaintainthem。Insuchtheatresworkappealingtoarelativelysmallclassofcultivatedpersons，andthereforeattractingonlyfromhalftothree—quartersasmanyspectatorsasthemorepopularpastimes，couldneverthelesskeepgoinginthehandsofyoungadventurerswhoweredoingitforitsownsake，andhadnotyetbeenforcedbyadvancingageandresponsibilitiestoconsiderthecommercialvalueoftheirtimeandenergytooclosely。ThewarstruckthisfoundationawayinthemannerIhavejustdescribed。Theexpensesofrunningthecheapestwest—endtheatresrosetoasumwhichexceededbytwenty—fivepercenttheutmostthatthehigherdramacan，asanascertainedmatteroffact，bedependedontodraw。Thusthehigherdrama，whichhasneverreallybeenacommerciallysoundspeculation，nowbecameanimpossibleone。Accordingly，attemptsarebeingmadetoprovidearefugeforitinsuburbantheatresinLondonandrepertorytheatresintheprovinces。Butatthemomentwhenthearmyhasatlastdisgorgedthesurvivorsofthegallantbandofdramaticpioneerswhomitswallowed，theyfindthattheeconomicconditionswhichformerlymadetheirworknoworsethanprecariousnowputitoutofthequestionaltogether，asfarasthewestendofLondonisconcerned。

ChurchandTheatreIdonotsupposemanypeoplecareparticularly。Wearenotbroughtuptocare;andasenseofthenationalimportanceofthetheatreisnotborninmankind：thenaturalman，likesomanyofthesoldiersatthebeginningofthewar，doesnotknowwhatatheatreis。Butpleasenotethatallthesesoldierswhodidnotknowwhatatheatrewas，knewwhatachurchwas。Andtheyhadbeentaughttorespectchurches。Nobodyhadeverwarnedthemagainstachurchasaplacewherefrivolouswomenparadedintheirbestclothes;wherestoriesofimproperfemaleslikePotiphar’swife，anderoticpoetryliketheSongofSongs，werereadaloud;wherethesensuousandsentimentalmusicofSchubert，Mendelssohn，Gounod，andBrahmswasmorepopularthanseveremusicbygreatercomposers;wheretheprettiestsortofprettypicturesofprettysaintsassailedtheimaginationandsensesthroughstained—glasswindows;andwheresculptureandarchitecturecametothehelpofpainting。Nobodyeverremindedthemthatthesethingshadsometimesproducedsuchdevelopmentsoferoticidolatrythatmenwhowerenotonlyenthusiasticamateursofliterature，painting，andmusic，butfamouspractitionersofthem，hadactuallyexultedwhenmobsandevenregulartroopsunderexpresscommandhadmutilatedchurchstatues，smashedchurchwindows，wreckedchurchorgans，andtornupthesheetsfromwhichthechurchmusicwasreadandsung。Whentheysawbrokenstatuesinchurches，theyweretoldthatthiswastheworkofwicked，godlessrioters，insteadof，asitwas，theworkpartlyofzealotsbentondrivingtheworld，theflesh，andthedeviloutofthetemple，andpartlyofinsurgentmenwhohadbecomeintolerablypoorbecausethetemplehadbecomeadenofthieves。ButallthesinsandperversionsthatweresocarefullyhiddenfromtheminthehistoryoftheChurchwerelaidontheshouldersoftheTheatre：thatstuffy，uncomfortableplaceofpenanceinwhichwesuffersomuchinconvenienceontheslenderestchanceofgainingascrapoffoodforourstarvingsouls。WhentheGermansbombedtheCathedralofRheimstheworldrangwiththehorrorofthesacrilege。WhentheybombedtheLittleTheatreintheAdelphi，andnarrowlymissedbombingtwowritersofplayswholivedwithinafewyardsofit，thefactwasnotevenmentionedinthepapers。InpointofappealtothesensesnotheatreeverbuiltcouldtouchthefaneatRheims：noactresscouldrivalitsVirgininbeauty，noranyoperatictenorlookotherwisethanafoolbesideitsDavid。ItspictureglasswasgloriouseventothosewhohadseentheglassofChartres。Itwaswonderfulinitsverygrotesques：whowouldlookattheBlondinDonkeyafterseeingitsleviathans？InspiteoftheAdam—AdelphiandecorationonwhichMissKingstonhadlavishedsomuchtasteandcare，theLittleTheatrewasincomparisonwithRheimsthegloomiestoflittleconventicles：indeedthecathedralmust，fromthePuritanpointofview，havedebauchedamillionvoluptuariesforeveryonewhomtheLittleTheatrehadsenthomethoughtfultoachastebedafterMrChesterton’sMagicorBrieux’sLesAvaries。PerhapsthatistherealreasonwhytheChurchislaudedandtheTheatrereviled。Whetherorno，thefactremainsthattheladytowhosepublicspiritandsenseofthenationalvalueofthetheatreIowedthefirstregularpublicperformanceofaplayofminehadtoconcealheractionasifithadbeenacrime，whereasifshehadgiventhemoneytotheChurchshewouldhavewornahaloforit。AndIadmit，asIhavealwaysdone，thatthisstateofthingsmayhavebeenaverysensibleone。IhaveaskedLondonersagainandagainwhytheypayhalfaguineatogotoatheatrewhentheycangotoSt。Paul’sorWestminsterAbbeyfornothing。Theironlypossiblereplyisthattheywanttoseesomethingnewandpossiblysomethingwicked;butthetheatresmostlydisappointbothhopes。IfeverarevolutionmakesmeDictator，Ishallestablishaheavychargeforadmissiontoourchurches。Buteveryonewhopaysatthechurchdoorshallreceiveaticketentitlinghimorhertofreeadmissiontooneperformanceatanytheatreheorsheprefers。

Thusshallthesensuouscharmsofthechurchservicebemadetosubsidizethesternervirtueofthedrama。

TheNextPhaseThepresentsituationwillnotlast。AlthoughthenewspaperI

readatbreakfastthismorningbeforewritingthesewordscontainsacalculationthatnolessthantwenty—threewarsareatpresentbeingwagedtoconfirmthepeace，Englandisnolongerinkhaki;andaviolentreactionissettinginagainstthecrudetheatricalfareofthefourterribleyears。Soontherentsoftheatreswilloncemorebefixedontheassumptionthattheycannotalwaysbefull，norevenontheaveragehalffullweekinandweekout。Priceswillchange。Thehigherdramawillbeatnogreaterdisadvantagethanitwasbeforethewar;anditmaybenefit，first，bythefactthatmanyofushavebeentornfromthefools’paradiseinwhichthetheatreformerlytraded，andthrustuponthesternestrealitiesandnecessitiesuntilwehavelostbothfaithinandpatiencewiththetheatricalpretencesthathadnorooteitherinrealityornecessity;second，bythestartlingchangemadebythewarinthedistributionofincome。

Itseemsonlytheotherdaythatamillionairewasamanwith？0，000ayear。To—day，whenhehaspaidhisincometaxandsupertax，andinsuredhislifefortheamountofhisdeathduties，heisluckyifhisnetincomeis10，000poundsthoughhisnominalpropertyremainsthesame。AndthisistheresultofaBudgetwhichiscalled\"arespitefortherich。\"Attheotherendofthescalemillionsofpersonshavehadregularincomesforthefirsttimeintheirlives;andtheirmenhavebeenregularlyclothed，fed，lodged，andtaughttomakeuptheirmindsthatcertainthingshavetobedone，alsoforthefirsttimeintheirlives。

Hundredsofthousandsofwomenhavebeentakenoutoftheirdomesticcagesandtastedbothdisciplineandindependence。Thethoughtlessandsnobbishmiddleclasseshavebeenpulledupshortbytheveryunpleasantexperienceofbeingruinedtoanunprecedentedextent。Wehaveallhadatremendousjolt;andalthoughthewidespreadnotionthattheshockofthewarwouldautomaticallymakeanewheavenandanewearth，andthatthedogwouldnevergobacktohisvomitnorthesowtoherwallowinginthemire，isalreadyseentobeadelusion，yetwearefarmoreconsciousofourconditionthanwewere，andfarlessdisposedtosubmittoit。Revolution，latelyonlyasensationalchapterinhistoryorademagogicclaptrap，isnowapossibilitysoimminentthathardlybytryingtosuppressitinothercountriesbyarmsanddefamation，andcallingtheprocessanti—Bolshevism，canourGovernmentstaveitoffathome。

PerhapsthemosttragicfigureofthedayistheAmericanPresidentwhowasonceahistorian。Inthosedaysitbecamehistasktotellushow，afterthatgreatwarinAmericawhichwasmoreclearlythananyotherwarofourtimeawarforanidea，theconquerors，confrontedwithaheroictaskofreconstruction，turnedrecreant，andspentfifteenyearsinabusingtheirvictoryundercoverofpretendingtoaccomplishthetasktheyweredoingwhattheycouldtomakeimpossible。Alas！Hegelwasrightwhenhesaidthatwelearnfromhistorythatmenneverlearnanythingfromhistory。WithwhatanguishofmindthePresidentseesthatwe，thenewconquerors，forgettingeverythingweprofessedtofightfor，aresittingdownwithwateringmouthstoagoodsquaremealoftenyearsrevengeuponandhumiliationofourprostratefoe，canonlybeguessedbythosewhoknow，ashedoes，howhopelessisremonstrance，andhowhappyLincolnwasinperishingfromtheearthbeforehisinspiredmessagesbecamescrapsofpaper。HeknowswellthatfromthePeaceConferencewillcome，inspiteofhisutmost，noedictonwhichhewillbeable，likeLincoln，toinvoke\"theconsideratejudgmentofmankind：andthegraciousfavorofAlmightyGod。\"HeledhispeopletodestroythemilitarismofZabern;andthearmytheyrescuedisbusyinCologneimprisoningeveryGermanwhodoesnotsaluteaBritishofficer;whilstthegovernmentathome，askedwhetheritapproves，repliesthatitdoesnotproposeeventodiscontinuethisZabernismwhenthePeaceisconcluded，butineffectlooksforwardtomakingGermanssaluteBritishofficersuntiltheendoftheworld。Thatiswhatwarmakesofmenandwomen。Itwillwearoff;andtheworstitthreatensisalreadyprovingimpracticable;butbeforethehumbleandcontriteheartceasestobedespised，thePresidentandI，beingofthesameage，willbedotards。Inthemeantimethereis，forhim，anotherhistorytowrite;forme，anothercomedytostage。Perhaps，afterall，thatiswhatwarsarefor，andwhathistoriansandplaywrightsarefor。Ifmenwillnotlearnuntiltheirlessonsarewritteninblood，why，bloodtheymusthave，theirownforpreference。

TheEphemeralThronesandtheEternalTheatreTothetheatreitwillnotmatter。WhateverBastillesfall，thetheatrewillstand。ApostolicHapsburghascollapsed;AllHighestHohenzollernlanguishesinHolland，threatenedwithtrialonacapitalchargeoffightingforhiscountryagainstEngland;

ImperialRomanoff，saidtohaveperishedmiserablybyamoresummarymethodofmurder，isperhapsaliveorperhapsdead：

nobodycaresmorethanifhehadbeenapeasant;thelordofHellasislevelwithhislackeysinrepublicanSwitzerland;PrimeMinistersandCommanders—in—ChiefhavepassedfromabriefgloryasSolonsandCaesarsintofailureandobscurityascloselyononeanother’sheelsasthedescendantsofBanquo;butEuripidesandAristophanes，ShakespeareandMoliere，GoetheandIbsenremainfixedintheireverlastingseats。

HowWarmuzzlestheDramaticPoetAsformyself，why，itmaybeasked，didInotwritetwoplaysaboutthewarinsteadoftwopamphletsonit？Theanswerissignificant。Youcannotmakewaronwarandonyourneighboratthesametime。Warcannotbeartheterriblecastigationofcomedy，theruthlesslightoflaughterthatglaresonthestage。

Whenmenareheroicallydyingfortheircountry，itisnotthetimetoshowtheirloversandwivesandfathersandmothershowtheyarebeingsacrificedtotheblundersofboobies，thecupidityofcapitalists，theambitionofconquerors，theelectioneeringofdemagogues，thePharisaismofpatriots，thelustsandliesandrancorsandbloodthirststhatlovewarbecauseitopenstheirprisondoors，andsetstheminthethronesofpowerandpopularity。Forunlessthesethingsaremercilesslyexposedtheywillhideunderthemantleoftheidealsonthestagejustastheydoinreallife。

Andthoughtheremaybebetterthingstoreveal，itmaynot，andindeedcannot，bemilitarilyexpedienttorevealthemwhilsttheissueisstillinthebalance。Truthtellingisnotcompatiblewiththedefenceoftherealm。Wearejustnowreadingtherevelationsofourgeneralsandadmirals，unmuzzledatlastbythearmistice。Duringthewar，GeneralA，inhismovingdespatchesfromthefield，toldhowGeneralBhadcoveredhimselfwithdeathlessgloryinsuchandsuchabattle。HenowtellsusthatGeneralBcamewithinanaceoflosingusthewarbydisobeyinghisordersonthatoccasion，andfightinginsteadofrunningawayasheoughttohavedone。Anexcellentsubjectforcomedynowthatthewarisover，nodoubt;butifGeneralAhadletthisoutatthetime，whatwouldhavebeentheeffectonGeneralB’ssoldiers？AndhadthestagemadeknownwhatthePrimeMinisterandtheSecretaryofStateforWarwhooverruledGeneralAthoughtofhim，andwhathethoughtofthem，asnowrevealedinragingcontroversy，whatwouldhavebeentheeffectonthenation？Thatiswhycomedy，thoughsorelytempted，hadtobeloyallysilent;fortheartofthedramaticpoetknowsnopatriotism;recognizesnoobligationbuttruthtonaturalhistory;caresnotwhetherGermanyorEnglandperish;isreadytocrywithBrynhild，\"Lass’unsverderben，lachendzugrundegeh’n\"

soonerthandeceiveorbedeceived;andthusbecomesintimeofwaragreatermilitarydangerthanpoison，steel，ortrinitrotoluene。ThatiswhyIhadtowithholdHeartbreakHousefromthefootlightsduringthewar;fortheGermansmightonanynighthaveturnedthelastactfromplayintoearnest，andeventhenmightnothavewaitedfortheircues。

June，1919。

HEARTBREAKHOUSE

ACTI

ThehillycountryinthemiddleofthenorthedgeofSussex，lookingverypleasantonafineeveningattheendofSeptember，isseenthroughthewindowsofaroomwhichhasbeenbuiltsoastoresembletheafterpartofanold—fashionedhigh—poopedship，withasterngallery;forthewindowsareshipbuiltwithheavytimbering，andrunrightacrosstheroomascontinuouslyasthestabilityofthewallallows。Arowoflockersunderthewindowsprovidesanunupholsteredwindowseatinterruptedbytwinglassdoors，respectivelyhalfwaybetweenthesternpostandthesides。

Anotherdoorstrainstheillusionalittlebybeingapparentlyintheship’sportside，andyetleading，nottotheopensea，buttotheentrancehallofthehouse。Betweenthisdoorandthesterngalleryarebookshelves。Thereareelectriclightswitchesbesidethedoorleadingtothehallandtheglassdoorsinthesterngallery。Againstthestarboardwallisacarpenter’sbench。

Thevicehasaboardinitsjaws;andthefloorislitteredwithshavings，overflowingfromawaste—paperbasket。Acoupleofplanesandacentrebitareonthebench。Inthesamewall，betweenthebenchandthewindows，isanarrowdoorwaywithahalfdoor，abovewhichaglimpseoftheroombeyondshowsthatitisashelvedpantrywithbottlesandkitchencrockery。

Onthestarboardside，butclosetothemiddle，isaplainoakdrawing—tablewithdrawing—board，T—square，straightedges，setsquares，mathematicalinstruments，saucersofwatercolor，atumblerofdiscoloredwater，Indianink，pencils，andbrushesonit。Thedrawing—boardissetsothatthedraughtsman’schairhasthewindowonitslefthand。Onthefloorattheendofthetable，onitsright，isaship’sfirebucket。Ontheportsideoftheroom，nearthebookshelves，isasofawithitsbacktothewindows。Itisasturdymahoganyarticle，oddlyupholsteredinsailcloth，includingthebolster，withacoupleofblanketshangingovertheback。Betweenthesofaandthedrawing—tableisabigwickerchair，withbroadarmsandalowslopingback，withitsbacktothelight。Asmallbutstouttableofteak，witharoundtopandgatelegs，standsagainsttheportwallbetweenthedoorandthebookcase。Itistheonlyarticleintheroomthatsuggests（notatallconvincingly）awoman’shandinthefurnishing。Theuncarpetedfloorofnarrowboardsiscaulkedandholystonedlikeadeck。

Thegardentowhichtheglassdoorsleaddipstothesouthbeforethelandscaperisesagaintothehills。Emergingfromthehollowisthecupolaofanobservatory。Betweentheobservatoryandthehouseisaflagstaffonalittleesplanade，withahammockontheeastsideandalonggardenseatonthewest。

Ayounglady，glovedandhatted，withadustcoaton，issittinginthewindow—seatwithherbodytwistedtoenablehertolookoutattheview。Onehandpropsherchin：theotherhangsdownwithavolumeoftheTempleShakespeareinit，andherfingerstuckinthepageshehasbeenreading。

Aclockstrikessix。

Theyoungladyturnsandlooksatherwatch。Sheriseswithanairofonewhowaits，andisalmostattheendofherpatience。

Sheisaprettygirl，slender，fair，andintelligentlooking，nicelybutnotexpensivelydressed，evidentlynotasmartidler。

Withasighofwearyresignationshecomestothedraughtsman’schair;sitsdown;andbeginstoreadShakespeare。Presentlythebooksinkstoherlap;hereyesclose;andshedozesintoaslumber。

Anelderlywomanservantcomesinfromthehallwiththreeunopenedbottlesofrumonatray。Shepassesthroughanddisappearsinthepantrywithoutnoticingtheyounglady。Sheplacesthebottlesontheshelfandfillshertraywithemptybottles。Asshereturnswiththese，theyoungladyletsherbookdrop，awakeningherself，andstartlingthewomanservantsothatsheallbutletsthetrayfall。

THEWOMANSERVANT。Godblessus！[Theyoungladypicksupthebookandplacesitonthetable]。Sorrytowakeyou，miss，I’msure;

butyouareastrangertome。Whatmightyoubewaitingherefornow？

THEYOUNGLADY。WaitingforsomebodytoshowsomesignsofknowingthatIhavebeeninvitedhere。

THEWOMANSERVANT。Oh，you’reinvited，areyou？Andhasnobodycome？Dear！dear！

THEYOUNGLADY。Awild—lookingoldgentlemancameandlookedinatthewindow;andIheardhimcallingout，\"Nurse，thereisayoungandattractivefemalewaitinginthepoop。Goandseewhatshewants。\"Areyouthenurse？

THEWOMANSERVANT。Yes，miss：I’mNurseGuinness。ThatwasoldCaptainShotover，MrsHushabye’sfather。Iheardhimroaring;butIthoughtitwasforsomethingelse。IsupposeitwasMrsHushabyethatinvitedyou，ducky？

THEYOUNGLADY。Iunderstoodhertodoso。ButreallyIthinkI’dbettergo。

NURSEGUINNESS。Oh，don’tthinkofsuchathing，miss。IfMrsHushabyehasforgottenallaboutit，itwillbeapleasantsurpriseforhertoseeyou，won’tit？

THEYOUNGLADY。Ithasbeenaveryunpleasantsurprisetometofindthatnobodyexpectsme。

NURSEGUINNESS。You’llgetusedtoit，miss：thishouseisfullofsurprisesforthemthatdon’tknowourways。

CAPTAINSHOTOVER[lookinginfromthehallsuddenly：anancientbutstillhardymanwithanimmensewhitebeard，inareeferjacketwithawhistlehangingfromhisneck]。Nurse，thereisahold—allandahandbagonthefrontstepsforeverybodytofallover。Alsoatennisracquet。Whothedevilleftthemthere？

THEYOUNGLADY。Theyaremine，I’mafraid。

TAECAPTAIN[advancingtothedrawing—table]。Nurse，whoisthismisguidedandunfortunateyounglady？

NURSEGUINNESS。ShesaysMissHessyinvitedher，sir。

THECAPTAIN。Andhadshenofriend，noparents，towarnheragainstmydaughter’sinvitations？Thisisaprettysortofhouse，byheavens！Ayoungandattractiveladyisinvitedhere。

Herluggageisleftonthestepsforhours;andsheherselfisdepositedinthepoopandabandoned，tiredandstarving。Thisisourhospitality。Theseareourmanners。Noroomready。Nohotwater。Nowelcominghostess。Ourvisitoristosleepinthetoolshed，andtowashintheduckpond。

NURSEGUINNESS。Nowit’sallright，Captain：I’llgettheladysometea;andherroomshallbereadybeforeshehasfinishedit。

[Totheyounglady]。Takeoffyourhat，ducky;andmakeyourselfathome[shegoestothedoorleadingtothehall]。

THECAPTAIN[asshepasseshim]。Ducky！Doyousuppose，woman，thatbecausethisyoungladyhasbeeninsultedandneglected，youhavetherighttoaddressherasyouaddressmywretchedchildren，whomyouhavebroughtupinignoranceofthecommonestdecenciesofsocialintercourse？

NURSEGUINNESS。Nevermindhim，doty。[Quiteunconcerned，shegoesoutintothehallonherwaytothekitchen]。

THECAPTAIN。Madam，willyoufavormewithyourname？[Hesitsdowninthebigwickerchair]。

THEYOUNGLADY。MynameisEllieDunn。

THECAPTAIN。Dunn！IhadaboatswainwhosenamewasDunn。HewasoriginallyapirateinChina。Hesetupasaship’schandlerwithstoreswhichIhaveeveryreasontobelievehestolefromme。Nodoubthebecamerich。Areyouhisdaughter？

ELLIE[indignant]。No，certainlynot。Iamproudtobeabletosaythatthoughmyfatherhasnotbeenasuccessfulman，nobodyhaseverhadonewordtosayagainsthim。IthinkmyfatheristhebestmanIhaveeverknown。

THECAPTAIN。Hemustbegreatlychanged。Hasheattainedtheseventhdegreeofconcentration？

ELLIE。Idon’tunderstand。

THECAPTAIN。Buthowcouldhe，withadaughter？I，madam，havetwodaughters。OneofthemisHesioneHushabye，whoinvitedyouhere。Ikeepthishouse：sheupsetsit。Idesiretoattaintheseventhdegreeofconcentration：sheinvitesvisitorsandleavesmetoentertainthem。[NurseGuinnessreturnswiththetea—tray，whichsheplacesontheteaktable]。Ihaveaseconddaughterwhois，thankGod，inaremotepartoftheEmpirewithhernumskullofahusband。Asachildshethoughtthefigure—headofmyship，theDauntless，themostbeautifulthingonearth。Heresembledit。Hehadthesameexpression：woodenyetenterprising。Shemarriedhim，andwillneversetfootinthishouseagain。

NURSEGUINNESS[carryingthetable，withthetea—thingsonit，toEllie’sside]。Indeedyouneverweremoremistaken。SheisinEnglandthisverymoment。Youhavebeentoldthreetimesthisweekthatsheiscominghomeforayearforherhealth。Andverygladyoushouldbetoseeyourowndaughteragainafteralltheseyears。

THECAPTAIN。Iamnotglad。Thenaturaltermoftheaffectionofthehumananimalforitsoffspringissixyears。MydaughterAriadnewasbornwhenIwasforty—six。Iamnoweighty—eight。Ifshecomes，Iamnotathome。Ifshewantsanything，lethertakeit。Ifsheasksforme，letherbeinformedthatIamextremelyold，andhavetotallyforgottenher。

NURSEGUINNESS。That’snotalktooffertoayounglady。Here，ducky，havesometea;anddon’tlistentohim[shepoursoutacupoftea]。

THECAPTAIN[risingwrathfully]。NowbeforehighheaventheyhavegiventhisinnocentchildIndiantea：thestufftheytantheirownleatherinsideswith。[Heseizesthecupandthetea—potandemptiesbothintotheleathernbucket]。

ELLIE[almostintears]。Oh，please！Iamsotired。Ishouldhavebeengladofanything。

NURSEGUINNESS。Oh，whatathingtodo！Thepoorlambisreadytodrop。

THECAPTAIN。Youshallhavesomeofmytea。Donottouchthatfly—blowncake：nobodyeatsithereexceptthedogs。[Hedisappearsintothepantry]。

NURSEGUINNESS。There’samanforyou！TheysayhesoldhimselftothedevilinZanzibarbeforehewasacaptain;andtheolderhegrowsthemoreIbelievethem。

AWOMAN’SVOICE[inthehall]。Isanyoneathome？Hesione！Nurse！

Papa！Docome，somebody;andtakeinmyluggage。

Thumpingheard，asofanumbrella，onthewainscot。

NURSEGUINNESS。Mygracious！It’sMissAddy，LadyUtterword，MrsHushabye’ssister：theoneItoldthecaptainabout。[Calling]。

Coming，Miss，coming。

ShecarriesthetablebacktoitsplacebythedoorandisharryingoutwhensheisinterceptedbyLadyUtterword，whoburstsinmuchflustered。LadyUtterword，ablonde，isveryhandsome，verywelldressed，andsoprecipitateinspeechandactionthatthefirstimpression（erroneous）isoneofcomicsilliness。

LADYUTTERWORD。Oh，isthatyou，Nurse？Howareyou？Youdon’tlookadayolder。Isnobodyathome？WhereisHesione？Doesn’tsheexpectme？Wherearetheservants？Whoseluggageisthatonthesteps？Where’spapa？Iseverybodyasleep？[SeeingEllie]。Oh！

Ibegyourpardon。Isupposeyouareoneofmynieces。

[Approachingherwithoutstretchedarms]。Comeandkissyouraunt，darling。

ELLIE。I’monlyavisitor。Itismyluggageonthesteps。

NURSEGUINNESS。I’llgogetyousomefreshtea，ducky。[Shetakesupthetray]。

ELLIE。Buttheoldgentlemansaidhewouldmakesomehimself。

NURSEGUINNESS。Blessyou！he’sforgottenwhathewentforalready。Hismindwandersfromonethingtoanother。

LADYUTTERWORD。Papa，Isuppose？

NURSEGUINNESS。Yes，Miss。

LADYUTTERWORD[vehemently]。Don’tbesilly，Nurse。Don’tcallmeMiss。

NURSEGUINNESS[placidly]。No，lovey[shegoesoutwiththetea—tray]。

LADYUTTERWORD[sittingdownwithaflounceonthesofa]。Iknowwhatyoumustfeel。Oh，thishouse，thishouse！Icomebacktoitaftertwenty—threeyears;anditisjustthesame：theluggagelyingonthesteps，theservantsspoiltandimpossible，nobodyathometoreceiveanybody，noregularmeals，nobodyeverhungrybecausetheyarealwaysgnawingbreadandbutterormunchingapples，and，whatisworse，thesamedisorderinideas，intalk，infeeling。WhenIwasachildIwasusedtoit：Ihadneverknownanythingbetter，thoughIwasunhappy，andlongedallthetime——oh，howIlonged！——toberespectable，tobealady，toliveasothersdid，nottohavetothinkofeverythingformyself。I

marriedatnineteentoescapefromit。MyhusbandisSirHastingsUtterword，whohasbeengovernorofallthecrowncoloniesinsuccession。IhavealwaysbeenthemistressofGovernmentHouse。

Ihavebeensohappy：Ihadforgottenthatpeoplecouldlivelikethis。Iwantedtoseemyfather，mysister，mynephewsandnieces（oneoughtto，youknow），andIwaslookingforwardtoit。Andnowthestateofthehouse！thewayI’mreceived！thecasualimpudenceofthatwomanGuinness，ouroldnurse！reallyHesionemightatleasthavebeenhere：somepreparationmighthavebeenmadeforme。Youmustexcusemygoingoninthisway;butIamreallyverymuchhurtandannoyedanddisillusioned：andifIhadrealizeditwastobelikethis，Iwouldn’thavecome。Ihaveagreatmindtogoawaywithoutanotherword[sheisonthepointofweeping]。

ELLIE[alsoverymiserable]。Nobodyhasbeenheretoreceivemeeither。IthoughtIoughttogoawaytoo。ButhowcanI，LadyUtterword？Myluggageisonthesteps;andthestationflyhasgone。

ThecaptainemergesfromthepantrywithatrayofChineselacquerandaveryfinetea—setonit。Herestsitprovisionallyontheendofthetable;snatchesawaythedrawing—board，whichhestandsontheflooragainsttablelegs;andputsthetrayinthespacethuscleared。Elliepoursoutacupgreedily。

THECAPTAIN。Yourtea，younglady。What！anotherlady！Imustfetchanothercup[hemakesforthepantry]。

LADYUTTERWORD[risingfromthesofa，suffusedwithemotion]。

Papa！Don’tyouknowme？I’myourdaughter。

THECAPTAIN。Nonsense！mydaughter’supstairsasleep。[Hevanishesthroughthehalfdoor]。

LadyUtterwordretirestothewindowtoconcealhertears。

ELLIE[goingtoherwiththecup]。Don’tbesodistressed。Havethiscupoftea。Heisveryoldandverystrange：hehasbeenjustlikethattome。Iknowhowdreadfulitmustbe：myownfatherisalltheworldtome。Oh，I’msurehedidn’tmeanit。

Thecaptainreturnswithanothercup。

THECAPTAIN。Nowwearecomplete。[Heplacesitonthetray]。

LADYUTTERWORD[hysterically]。Papa，youcan’thaveforgottenme。

IamAriadne。I’mlittlePaddyPatkins。Won’tyoukissme？[Shegoestohimandthrowsherarmsroundhisneck]。

THECAPTAIN[woodenlyenduringherembrace]。HowcanyoubeAriadne？Youareamiddle—agedwoman：wellpreserved，madam，butnolongeryoung。

LADYUTTERWORD。ButthinkofalltheyearsandyearsIhavebeenaway，Papa。Ihavehadtogrowold，likeotherpeople。

THECAPTAIN[disengaginghimself]。Youshouldgrowoutofkissingstrangemen：theymaybestrivingtoattaintheseventhdegreeofconcentration。

LADYUTTERWORD。ButI’myourdaughter。Youhaven’tseenmeforyears。

THECAPTAIN。Somuchtheworse！Whenourrelativesareathome，wehavetothinkofalltheirgoodpointsoritwouldbeimpossibletoendurethem。Butwhentheyareaway，weconsoleourselvesfortheirabsencebydwellingontheirvices。ThatishowIhavecometothinkmyabsentdaughterAriadneaperfectfiend;sodonottrytoingratiateyourselfherebyimpersonatingher[hewalksfirmlyawaytotheothersideoftheroom]。

LADYUTTERWORD。Ingratiatingmyselfindeed！[Withdignity]。Verywell，papa。[Shesitsdownatthedrawing—tableandpoursoutteaforherself]。

THECAPTAIN。Iamneglectingmysocialduties。YourememberDunn？

BillyDunn？

LADYUTTERWORD。DOyoumeanthatvillainoussailorwhorobbedyou？

THECAPTAIN[introducingEllie]。Hisdaughter。[Hesitsdownonthesofa]。

ELLIE[protesting]。No——

NurseGuinnessreturnswithfreshtea。

THECAPTAIN。Takethathogwashaway。Doyouhear？

NURSE。You’veactuallyrememberedaboutthetea！[ToEllie]。Oh，miss，hedidn’tforgetyouafterall！YouHAVEmadeanimpression。

THECAPTAIN[gloomily]。Youth！beauty！novelty！Theyarebadlywantedinthishouse。Iamexcessivelyold。Hesioneisonlymoderatelyyoung。Herchildrenarenotyouthful。

LADYUTTERWORD。Howcanchildrenbeexpectedtobeyouthfulinthishouse？Almostbeforewecouldspeakwewerefilledwithnotionsthatmighthavebeenallverywellforpaganphilosophersoffifty，butwerecertainlyquiteunfitforrespectablepeopleofanyage。

NURSE。Youwerealwaysforrespectability，MissAddy。

LADYUTTERWORD。Nurse，willyoupleaserememberthatIamLadyUtterword，andnotMissAddy，norlovey，nordarling，nordoty？

Doyouhear？

NURSE。Yes，ducky：allright。I’lltellthemalltheymustcallyouMyLady。[Shetakeshertrayoutwithundisturbedplacidity]。

LADYUTTERWORD。Whatcomfort？whatsenseisthereinhavingservantswithnomanners？

ELLIE[risingandcomingtothetabletoputdownheremptycup]。

LadyUtterword，doyouthinkMrsHushabyereallyexpectsme？

LADYUTTERWORD。Oh，don’taskme。YoucanseeforyourselfthatI’vejustarrived;heronlysister，aftertwenty—threeyears’

absence！anditseemsthatIamnotexpected。

THECAPTAIN。Whatdoesitmatterwhethertheyoungladyisexpectedornot？Sheiswelcome。Therearebeds：thereisfood。

I’llfindaroomforhermyself[hemakesforthedoor]。

ELLIE[followinghimtostophim]。Oh，please——[Hegoesout]。

LadyUtterword，Idon’tknowwhattodo。Yourfatherpersistsinbelievingthatmyfatherissomesailorwhorobbedhim。

LADYUTTERWORD。Youhadbetterpretendnottonoticeit。Myfatherisaverycleverman;buthealwaysforgotthings;andnowthatheisold，ofcourseheisworse。AndImustwarnyouthatitissometimesveryhardtofeelquitesurethathereallyforgets。

MrsHushabyeburstsintotheroomtempestuouslyandembracesEllie。SheisacoupleofyearsolderthanLadyUtterword，andevenbetterlooking。Shehasmagnificentblackhair，eyeslikethefishpoolsofHeshbon，andanoblymodelledneck，shortatthebackandlowbetweenhershouldersinfront。Unlikehersistersheisuncorsetedanddressedanyhowinarichrobeofblackpilethatshowsoffherwhiteskinandstatuesquecontour。

MRSHUSHABYE。Ellie，mydarling，mypettikins[kissingher]，howlonghaveyoubeenhere？I’vebeenathomeallthetime：Iwasputtingflowersandthingsinyourroom;andwhenIjustsatdownforamomenttotryhowcomfortablethearmchairwasIwentofftosleep。Papawokemeandtoldmeyouwerehere。Fancyyourfindingnoone，andbeingneglectedandabandoned。[Kissingheragain]。Mypoorlove！[ShedepositsEllieonthesofa。MeanwhileAriadnehasleftthetableandcomeovertoclaimhershareofattention]。Oh！you’vebroughtsomeonewithyou。Introduceme。

LADYUTTERWORD。Hesione，isitpossiblethatyoudon’tknowme？

MRSHUSHABYE[conventionally]。OfcourseIrememberyourfacequitewell。Wherehavewemet？

LADYUTTERWORD。Didn’tPapatellyouIwashere？Oh！thisisreallytoomuch。[Shethrowsherselfsulkilyintothebigchair]。

MRSHUSHABYE。Papa！

LADYUTTERWORD。Yes，Papa。Ourpapa，youunfeelingwretch！

[Risingangrily]。I’llgostraighttoahotel。

MRSHUSHABYE[seizingherbytheshoulders]。Mygoodnessgraciousgoodness，youdon’tmeantosaythatyou’reAddy！

LADYUTTERWORD。IcertainlyamAddy;andIdon’tthinkIcanbesochangedthatyouwouldnothaverecognizedmeifyouhadanyrealaffectionforme。AndPapadidn’tthinkmeevenworthmentioning！

MRSHUSHABYE。Whatalark！Sitdown[shepushesherbackintothechairinsteadofkissingher，andpostsherselfbehindit]。YouDOlookaswell。You’remuchhandsomerthanyouusedtobe。

You’vemadetheacquaintanceofEllie，ofcourse。Sheisgoingtomarryaperfecthogofamillionaireforthesakeofherfather，whoisaspoorasachurchmouse;andyoumusthelpmetostopher。

ELLIE。Oh，please，Hesione！

MRSHUSHABYE。Mypettikins，theman’scomingheretodaywithyourfathertobeginpersecutingyou;andeverybodywillseethestateofthecaseintenminutes;sowhat’stheuseofmakingasecretofit？

ELLIE。Heisnotahog，Hesione。Youdon’tknowhowwonderfullygoodhewastomyfather，andhowdeeplygratefulIamtohim。

MRSHUSHABYE[toLadyUtterword]。Herfatherisaveryremarkableman，Addy。HisnameisMazziniDunn。MazziniwasacelebrityofsomekindwhoknewEllie’sgrandparents。Theywerebothpoets，liketheBrownings;andwhenherfathercameintotheworldMazzinisaid，\"Anothersoldierbornforfreedom！\"SotheychristenedhimMazzini;andhehasbeenfightingforfreedominhisquietwayeversince。That’swhyheissopoor。