CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Isthattheonlyreason？Areyouquitesurehonestyhasnothingtodowithit？
ELLIE。Oh，youareveryveryold—fashioned，Captain。Doesanymoderngirlbelievethatthelegalandillegalwaysofgettingmoneyarethehonestanddishonestways？Manganrobbedmyfatherandmyfather’sfriends。IshouldroballthemoneybackfromManganifthepolicewouldletme。Astheywon’t，Imustgetitbackbymarryinghim。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Ican’targue：I’mtooold：mymindismadeupandfinished。AllIcantellyouisthat，old—fashionedornew—fashioned，ifyousellyourself，youdealyoursoulablowthatallthebooksandpicturesandconcertsandsceneryintheworldwon’theal[hegetsupsuddenlyandmakesforthepantry]。
ELLIE[runningafterhimandseizinghimbythesleeve]。ThenwhydidyousellyourselftothedevilinZanzibar？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER[stopping，startled]。What？
ELLIE。Youshallnotrunawaybeforeyouanswer。Ihavefoundoutthattrickofyours。Ifyousoldyourself，whyshouldn’tI？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Ihadtodealwithmensodegradedthattheywouldn’tobeymeunlessIsworeatthemandkickedthemandbeatthemwithmyfists。Foolishpeopletookyoungthievesoffthestreets;flungthemintoatrainingshipwheretheyweretaughttofearthecaneinsteadoffearingGod;andthoughtthey’dmademenandsailorsofthembyprivatesubscription。ItrickedthesethievesintobelievingI’dsoldmyselftothedevil。Itsavedmysoulfromthekickingandswearingthatwasdamningmebyinches。
ELLIE[releasinghim]。IshallpretendtosellmyselftoBossMangantosavemysoulfromthepovertythatisdamningmebyinches。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Richeswilldamnyoutentimesdeeper。Richeswon’tsaveevenyourbody。
ELLIE。Old—fashionedagain。Weknownowthatthesoulisthebody，andthebodythesoul。Theytellustheyaredifferentbecausetheywanttopersuadeusthatwecankeepoursoulsifweletthemmakeslavesofourbodies。Iamafraidyouarenousetome，Captain。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Whatdidyouexpect？ASavior，eh？Areyouold—fashionedenoughtobelieveinthat？
ELLIE。No。ButIthoughtyouwereverywise，andmighthelpme。
NowIhavefoundyouout。Youpretendtobebusy，andthinkoffinethingstosay，andruninandouttosurprisepeoplebysayingthem，andgetawaybeforetheycanansweryou。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Itconfusesmetobeanswered。Itdiscouragesme。Icannotbearmenandwomen。Ihavetorunaway。Imustrunawaynow[hetriesto]。
ELLIE[againseizinghisarm]。Youshallnotrunawayfromme。I
canhypnotizeyou。YouaretheonlypersoninthehouseIcansaywhatIliketo。Iknowyouarefondofme。Sitdown。[Shedrawshimtothesofa]。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER[yielding]。Takecare：Iaminmydotage。Oldmenaredangerous：itdoesn’tmattertothemwhatisgoingtohappentotheworld。
Theysitsidebysideonthesofa。Sheleansaffectionatelyagainsthimwithherheadonhisshoulderandhereyeshalfclosed。
ELLIE[dreamily]。Ishouldhavethoughtnothingelsematteredtooldmen。Theycan’tbeveryinterestedinwhatisgoingtohappentothemselves。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Aman’sinterestintheworldisonlytheoverflowfromhisinterestinhimself。Whenyouareachildyourvesselisnotyetfull;soyoucarefornothingbutyourownaffairs。Whenyougrowup，yourvesseloverflows;andyouareapolitician，aphilosopher，oranexplorerandadventurer。Inoldagethevesseldriesup：thereisnooverflow：youareachildagain。Icangiveyouthememoriesofmyancientwisdom：merescrapsandleavings;butInolongerreallycareforanythingbutmyownlittlewantsandhobbies。Isithereworkingoutmyoldideasasameansofdestroyingmyfellow—creatures。Iseemydaughtersandtheirmenlivingfoolishlivesofromanceandsentimentandsnobbery。Iseeyou，theyoungergeneration，turningfromtheirromanceandsentimentandsnobberytomoneyandcomfortandhardcommonsense。Iwastentimeshappieronthebridgeinthetyphoon，orfrozenintoArcticiceformonthsindarkness，thanyouortheyhaveeverbeen。Youarelookingforarichhusband。AtyourageIlookedforhardship，danger，horror，anddeath，thatImightfeelthelifeinmemoreintensely。Ididnotletthefearofdeathgovernmylife;andmyrewardwas，I
hadmylife。Youaregoingtoletthefearofpovertygovernyourlife;andyourrewardwillbethatyouwilleat，butyouwillnotlive。
ELLIE[sittingupimpatiently]。ButwhatcanIdo？Iamnotaseacaptain：Ican’tstandonbridgesintyphoons，orgoslaughteringsealsandwhalesinGreenland’sicymountains。Theywon’tletwomenbecaptains。Doyouwantmetobeastewardess？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thereareworselives。Thestewardessescouldcomeashoreiftheyliked;buttheysailandsailandsail。
ELLIE。Whatcouldtheydoashorebutmarryformoney？Idon’twanttobeastewardess：Iamtoobadasailor。Thinkofsomethingelseforme。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Ican’tthinksolongandcontinuously。Iamtooold。Imustgoinandout。[Hetriestorise]。
ELLIE[pullinghimback]。Youshallnot。Youarehappyhere，aren’tyou？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Itellyouit’sdangeroustokeepme。Ican’tkeepawakeandalert。
ELLIE。Whatdoyourunawayfor？Tosleep？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。No。Togetaglassofrum。
ELLIE[frightfullydisillusioned]。Isthatit？Howdisgusting！Doyoulikebeingdrunk？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。No：Idreadbeingdrunkmorethananythingintheworld。Tobedrunkmeanstohavedreams;togosoft;tobeeasilypleasedanddeceived;tofallintotheclutchesofwomen。
Drinkdoesthatforyouwhenyouareyoung。Butwhenyouareold：
veryveryold，likeme，thedreamscomebythemselves。Youdon’tknowhowterriblethatis：youareyoung：yousleepatnightonly，andsleepsoundly。Butlateronyouwillsleepintheafternoon。Laterstillyouwillsleepeveninthemorning;andyouwillawaketired，tiredoflife。Youwillneverbefreefromdozinganddreams;thedreamswillstealuponyourworkeverytenminutesunlessyoucanawakenyourselfwithrum。Idrinknowtokeepsober;butthedreamsareconquering：rumisnotwhatitwas：Ihavehadtenglassessinceyoucame;anditmightbesomuchwater。Gogetmeanother：Guinnessknowswhereitis。Youhadbetterseeforyourselfthehorrorofanoldmandrinking。
ELLIE。Youshallnotdrink。Dream。Ilikeyoutodream。Youmustneverbeintherealworldwhenwetalktogether。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Iamtoowearytoresist，ortooweak。Iaminmysecondchildhood。Idonotseeyouasyoureallyare。Ican’trememberwhatIreallyam。IfeelnothingbuttheaccursedhappinessIhavedreadedallmylifelong：thehappinessthatcomesaslifegoes，thehappinessofyieldinganddreaminginsteadofresistinganddoing，thesweetnessofthefruitthatisgoingrotten。
ELLIE。YoudreaditalmostasmuchasIusedtodreadlosingmydreamsandhavingtofightanddothings。Butthatisalloverforme：mydreamsaredashedtopieces。Ishouldliketomarryaveryold，veryrichman。Ishouldliketomarryyou。IhadmuchrathermarryyouthanmarryMangan。Areyouveryrich？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。No。Livingfromhandtomouth。AndIhaveawifesomewhereinJamaica：ablackone。Myfirstwife。Unlessshe’sdead。
ELLIE。Whatapity！Ifeelsohappywithyou。[Shetakeshishand，almostunconsciously，andpatsit]。IthoughtIshouldneverfeelhappyagain。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Why？
ELLIE。Don’tyouknow？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。No。
ELLIE。Heartbreak。IfellinlovewithHector，anddidn’tknowhewasmarried。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Heartbreak？Areyouoneofthosewhoaresosufficienttothemselvesthattheyareonlyhappywhentheyarestrippedofeverything，evenofhope？
ELLIE[grippingthehand]。Itseemsso;forIfeelnowasiftherewasnothingIcouldnotdo，becauseIwantnothing。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。That’stheonlyrealstrength。That’sgenius。
That’sbetterthanrum。
ELLIE[throwingawayhishand]。Rum！Whydidyouspoilit？
HectorandRandallcomeinfromthegardenthroughthestarboarddoor。
HECTOR。Ibegyourpardon。Wedidnotknowtherewasanyonehere。
ELLIE[rising]。ThatmeansthatyouwanttotellMrRandallthestoryaboutthetiger。Come，Captain：Iwanttotalktomyfather;andyouhadbettercomewithme。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER[rising]。Nonsense！themanisinbed。
ELLIE。Aha！I’vecaughtyou。Myrealfatherhasgonetobed;butthefatheryougavemeisinthekitchen。Youknewquitewellallalong。Come。[Shedrawshimoutintothegardenwithherthroughtheportdoor]。
HECTOR。That’sanextraordinarygirl。ShehastheAncientMarineronastringlikeaPekinesedog。
RANDALL。Nowthattheyhavegone，shallwehaveafriendlychat？
HECTOR。Youareinwhatissupposedtobemyhouse。Iamatyourdisposal。
Hectorsitsdowninthedraughtsman’schair，turningittofaceRandall，whoremainsstanding，leaningathiseaseagainstthecarpenter’sbench。
RANDALL。Itakeitthatwemaybequitefrank。ImeanaboutLadyUtterword。
HECTOR。Youmay。Ihavenothingtobefrankabout。Inevermetheruntilthisafternoon。
RANDALL[straighteningup]。What！Butyouarehersister’shusband。
HECTOR。Well，ifyoucometothat，youareherhusband’sbrother。
RANDALL。Butyouseemtobeonintimatetermswithher。
HECTOR。Sodoyou。
RANDALL。Yes：butIAMonintimatetermswithher。Ihaveknownherforyears。
HECTOR。Ittookheryearstogettothesamepointwithyouthatshegottowithmeinfiveminutes，itseems。
RANDALL[vexed]。Really，Ariadneisthelimit[hemovesawayhuffishlytowardsthewindows]。
HECTOR[coolly]。Sheis，asIremarkedtoHesione，averyenterprisingwoman。
RANDALL[returning，muchtroubled]。Yousee，Hushabye，youarewhatwomenconsideragood—lookingman。
HECTOR。Icultivatedthatappearanceinthedaysofmyvanity;
andHesioneinsistsonmykeepingitup。Shemakesmeweartheseridiculousthings[indicatinghisArabcostume]becauseshethinksmeabsurdineveningdress。
RANDALL。Still，youdokeepitup，oldchap。Now，IassureyouI
havenotanatomofjealousyinmydispositionHECTOR。Thequestionwouldseemtoberatherwhetheryourbrotherhasanytouchofthatsort。
RANDALL。What！Hastings！Oh，don’ttroubleaboutHastings。Hehasthegiftofbeingabletoworksixteenhoursadayatthedullestdetail，andactuallylikesit。Thatgetshimtothetopwhereverhegoes。AslongasAriadnetakescarethatheisfedregularly，heisonlytoothankfultoanyonewhowillkeepheringoodhumorforhim。
HECTOR。AndasshehasalltheShotoverfascination，thereisplentyofcompetitionforthejob，eh？
RANDALL[angrily]。Sheencouragesthem。Herconductisperfectlyscandalous。Iassureyou，mydearfellow，Ihaven’tanatomofjealousyinmycomposition;butshemakesherselfthetalkofeveryplaceshegoestobyherthoughtlessness。It’snothingmore：shedoesn’treallycareforthemenshekeepshangingabouther;buthowistheworldtoknowthat？It’snotfairtoHastings。It’snotfairtome。
HECTOR。HertheoryisthatherconductissocorrectRANDALL。Correct！Shedoesnothingbutmakescenesfrommorningtillnight。Youbecareful，oldchap。Shewillgetyouintotrouble：thatis，shewouldifshereallycaredforyou。
HECTOR。Doesn’tshe？
RANDALL。Notascrap。Shemaywantyourscalptoaddtohercollection;buthertrueaffectionhasbeenengagedyearsago。
Youhadreallybetterbecareful。
HECTOR。Doyousuffermuchfromthisjealousy？
RANDALL。Jealousy！Ijealous！Mydearfellow，haven’tItoldyouthatthereisnotanatomof——
HECTOR。Yes。AndLadyUtterwordtoldmeshenevermadescenes。
Well，don’twasteyourjealousyonmymoustache。Neverwastejealousyonarealman：itistheimaginaryherothatsupplantsusallinthelongrun。Besides，jealousydoesnotbelongtoyoureasyman—of—the—worldpose，whichyoucarrysowellinotherrespects。
RANDALL。Really，Hushabye，Ithinkamanmaybeallowedtobeagentlemanwithoutbeingaccusedofposing。
HECTOR。Itisaposelikeanyother。Inthishouseweknowalltheposes：ourgameistofindoutthemanunderthepose。ThemanunderyourposeisapparentlyEllie’sfavorite，Othello。
RANDALL。Someofyourgamesinthishousearedamnedannoying，letmetellyou。
HECTOR。Yes：Ihavebeentheirvictimformanyyears。Iusedtowritheunderthematfirst;butIbecameaccustomedtothem。AtlastIlearnedtoplaythem。
RANDALL。Ifit’sallthesametoyouIhadratheryoudidn’tplaythemonme。Youevidentlydon’tquiteunderstandmycharacter，ormynotionsofgoodform。
HECTOR。IsityournotionofgoodformtogiveawayLadyUtterword？
RANDALL[achildishlyplaintivenotebreakingintohishuff]。I
havenotsaidawordagainstLadyUtterword。Thisisjusttheconspiracyoveragain。
HECTOR。Whatconspiracy？
RANDALL。Youknowverywell，sir。AconspiracytomakemeouttobepettishandjealousandchildishandeverythingIamnot。
EveryoneknowsIamjusttheopposite。
HECTOR[rising]。Somethingintheairofthehousehasupsetyou。
Itoftendoeshavethateffect。[HegoestothegardendoorandcallsLadyUtterwordwithcommandingemphasis]。Ariadne！
LADYUTTERWORD[atsomedistance]。Yes。
RANDALL。Whatareyoucallingherfor？Iwanttospeak——
LADYUTTERWORD[arrivingbreathless]。Yes。Youreallyareaterriblycommandingperson。What’sthematter？
HECTOR。IdonotknowhowtomanageyourfriendRandall。Nodoubtyoudo。
LADYUTTERWORD。Randall：haveyoubeenmakingyourselfridiculous，asusual？Icanseeitinyourface。Really，youarethemostpettishcreature。
RANDALL。Youknowquitewell，Ariadne，thatIhavenotanounceofpettishnessinmydisposition。Ihavemademyselfperfectlypleasanthere。Ihaveremainedabsolutelycoolandimperturbableinthefaceofaburglar。Imperturbabilityisalmosttoostrongapointofmine。But[puttinghisfootdownwithastamp，andwalkingangrilyupanddowntheroom]Iinsistonbeingtreatedwithacertainconsideration。IwillnotallowHushabyetotakelibertieswithme。Iwillnotstandyourencouragingpeopleasyoudo。
HECTOR。Themanhasarooteddelusionthatheisyourhusband。
LADYUTTERWORD。Iknow。Heisjealous。Asifhehadanyrighttobe！Hecompromisesmeeverywhere。Hemakesscenesallovertheplace。Randall：Iwillnotallowit。Isimplywillnotallowit。
YouhadnorighttodiscussmewithHector。Iwillnotbediscussedbymen。
HECTOR。Bereasonable，Ariadne。Yourfatalgiftofbeautyforcesmentodiscussyou。
LADYUTTERWORD。Ohindeed！whataboutYOURfatalgiftofbeauty？
HECTOR。HowcanIhelpit？
LADYUTTERWORD。Youcouldcutoffyourmoustache：Ican’tcutoffmynose。Igetmywholelifemessedupwithpeoplefallinginlovewithme。AndthenRandallsaysIrunaftermen。
RANDALL。I——
LADYUTTERWORD。Yesyoudo：yousaiditjustnow。Whycan’tyouthinkofsomethingelsethanwomen？Napoleonwasquiterightwhenhesaidthatwomenaretheoccupationoftheidleman。Well，ifevertherewasanidlemanonearth，hisnameisRandallUtterword。
RANDALL。Ariad——
LADYUTTERWORD[overwhelminghimwithatorrentofwords]。Ohyesyouare：it’snousedenyingit。Whathaveyoueverdone？Whatgoodareyou？Youareasmuchtroubleinthehouseasachildofthree。Youcouldn’tlivewithoutyourvalet。
RANDALL。Thisis——
LADYUTTERWORD。Laziness！Youarelazinessincarnate。Youareselfishnessitself。Youarethemostuninterestingmanonearth。
Youcan’tevengossipaboutanythingbutyourselfandyourgrievancesandyourailmentsandthepeoplewhohaveoffendedyou。[TurningtoHector]。Doyouknowwhattheycallhim，Hector？
HECTOR}[speaking{Pleasedon’ttellme。
RANDALL}together]{I’llnotstandit——
LADYUTTERWORD。RandalltheRotter：thatishisnameingoodsociety。
RANDALL[shouting]。I’llnotbearit，Itellyou。Willyoulistentome，youinfernal——[hechokes]。
LADYUTTERWORD。Well：goon。Whatwereyougoingtocallme？Aninfernalwhat？Whichunpleasantanimalisittobethistime？
RANDALL[foaming]。Thereisnoanimalintheworldsohatefulasawomancanbe。Youareamaddeningdevil。Hushabye，youwillnotbelievemewhenItellyouthatIhavelovedthisdemonallmylife;butGodknowsIhavepaidforit[hesitsdowninthedraughtsman’schair，weeping]。
LADYUTTERWORD[standingoverhimwithtriumphantcontempt]。
Cry—baby！
HECTOR[gravely，comingtohim]。Myfriend，theShotoversistershavetwostrangepowersovermen。Theycanmakethemlove;andtheycanmakethemcry。Thankyourstarsthatyouarenotmarriedtooneofthem。
LADYUTTERWORD[haughtily]。Andpray，Hector——
HECTOR[suddenlycatchingherroundtheshoulders：swingingherrightroundhimandawayfromRandall：andgrippingherthroatwiththeotherhand]。Ariadne，ifyouattempttostartonme，I’llchokeyou：doyouhear？Thecat—and—mousegamewiththeothersexisagoodgame;butIcanplayyourheadoffatit。[Hethrowsher，notatallgently，intothebigchair，andproceeds，lessfiercelybutfirmly]。ItistruethatNapoleonsaidthatwomanistheoccupationoftheidleman。Butheaddedthatsheistherelaxationofthewarrior。Well，Iamthewarrior。Sotakecare。
LADYUTTERWORD[notintheleastputout，andratherpleasedbyhisviolence]。MydearHector，Ihaveonlydonewhatyouaskedmetodo。
HECTOR。Howdoyoumakethatout，pray？
LADYUTTERWORD。YoucalledmeintomanageRandall，didn’tyou？
Yousaidyoucouldn’tmanagehimyourself。
HECTOR。Well，whatifIdid？Ididnotaskyoutodrivethemanmad。
LADYUTTERWORD。Heisn’tmad。That’sthewaytomanagehim。Ifyouwereamother，you’dunderstand。
HECTOR。Mother！Whatareyouuptonow？
LADYUTTERWORD。It’squitesimple。Whenthechildrengotnervesandwerenaughty，Ismackedthemjustenoughtogivethemagoodcryandahealthynervousshock。Theywenttosleepandwerequitegoodafterwards。Well，Ican’tsmackRandall：heistoobig;sowhenhegetsnervesandisnaughty，Ijustraghimtillhecries。Hewillbeallrightnow。Look：heishalfasleepalready[whichisquitetrue]。
RANDALL[wakingupindignantly]。I’mnot。Youaremostcruel，Ariadne。[Sentimentally]。ButIsupposeImustforgiveyou，asusual[hecheckshimselfintheactofyawning]。
LADYUTTERWORD[toHector]。Istheexplanationsatisfactory，dreadwarrior？
HECTOR。SomedayIshallkillyou，ifyougotoofar。Ithoughtyouwereafool。
LADYUTTERWORD[laughing]。Everybodydoes，atfirst。ButIamnotsuchafoolasIlook。[Sherisescomplacently]。Now，Randall，gotobed。Youwillbeagoodboyinthemorning。
RANDALL[onlyveryfaintlyrebellious]。I’llgotobedwhenI
like。Itisn’ttenyet。
LADYUTTERWORD。Itislongpastten。Seethathegoestobedatonce，Hector。[Shegoesintothegarden]。
HECTOR。Isthereanyslaveryonearthvilerthanthisslaveryofmentowomen？
RANDALL[risingresolutely]。I’llnotspeaktohertomorrow。I’llnotspeaktoherforanotherweek。I’llgivehersuchalesson。
I’llgostraighttobedwithoutbiddinghergood—night。[Hemakesforthedoorleadingtothehall]。
HECTOR。Youareunderaspell，man。OldShotoversoldhimselftothedevilinZanzibar。Thedevilgavehimablackwitchforawife;andthesetwodemondaughtersaretheirmysticalprogeny。I
amtiedtoHesione’sapron—string;butI’mherhusband;andifI
didgostarkstaringmadabouther，atleastwebecamemanandwife。ButwhyshouldyouletyourselfbedraggedaboutandbeatenbyAriadneasatoydonkeyisdraggedaboutandbeatenbyachild？Whatdoyougetbyit？Areyouherlover？
RANDALL。Youmustnotmisunderstandme。Inahighersense——inaPlatonicsense——
HECTOR。Psha！Platonicsense！Shemakesyouherservant;andwhenpay—daycomesround，shebilksyou：thatiswhatyoumean。
RANDALL[feebly]。Well，ifIdon’tmind，Idon’tseewhatbusinessitisofyours。Besides，ItellyouIamgoingtopunishher。Youshallsee：Iknowhowtodealwithwomen。I’mreallyverysleepy。Saygood—nighttoMrsHushabyeforme，willyou，likeagoodchap。Good—night。[Hehurriesout]。
HECTOR。Poorwretch！Ohwomen！women！women！[Heliftshisfistsininvocationtoheaven]。Fall。Fallandcrush。[Hegoesoutintothegarden]。
ACTIII
Inthegarden，Hector，ashecomesoutthroughtheglassdoorofthepoop，findsLadyUtterwordlyingvoluptuouslyinthehammockontheeastsideoftheflagstaff，inthecircleoflightcastbytheelectricarc，whichislikeamooninitsopalglobe。Beneaththeheadofthehammock，acampstool。Ontheothersideoftheflagstaff，onthelonggardenseat，CaptainShotoverisasleep，withElliebesidehim，leaningaffectionatelyagainsthimonhisrighthand。Onhisleftisadeckchair。Behindtheminthegloom，HesioneisstrollingaboutwithMangan。Itisafinestillnight，moonless。
LADYUTTERWORD。Whatalovelynight！Itseemsmadeforus。
HECTOR。Thenighttakesnointerestinus。Whatarewetothenight？[Hesitsdownmoodilyinthedeckchair]。
ELLIE[dreamily，nestlingagainstthecaptain]。Itsbeautysoaksintomynerves。Inthenightthereispeacefortheoldandhopefortheyoung。
HECTOR。Isthatremarkyourown？
ELLIE。No。Onlythelastthingthecaptainsaidbeforehewenttosleep。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。I’mnotasleep。
HECTOR。Randallis。AlsoMrMazziniDunn。Mangan，too，probably。
MANGAN。No。
HECTOR。Oh，youarethere。IthoughtHesionewouldhavesentyoutobedbythistime。
MRSHUSHABYE[comingtothebackofthegardenseat，intothelight，withMangan]。IthinkIshall。Hekeepstellingmehehasapresentimentthatheisgoingtodie。Inevermetamansogreedyforsympathy。
MANGAN[plaintively]。ButIhaveapresentiment。Ireallyhave。
Andyouwouldn’tlisten。
MRSHUSHABYE。Iwaslisteningforsomethingelse。Therewasasortofsplendiddrumminginthesky。Didnoneofyouhearit？Itcamefromadistanceandthendiedaway。
MANGAN。Itellyouitwasatrain。
MRSHUSHABYE。AndItellyou，Alf，thereisnotrainatthishour。Thelastisnineforty—five。
MANGAN。Butagoodstrain。
MRSHUSHABYE。Notonourlittleline。Theytackatruckontothepassengertrain。Whatcanithavebeen，Hector？
HECTOR。Heaven’sthreateninggrowlofdisgustatususelessfutilecreatures。[Fiercely]。Itellyou，oneoftwothingsmusthappen。Eitheroutofthatdarknesssomenewcreationwillcometosupplantusaswehavesupplantedtheanimals，ortheheavenswillfallinthunderanddestroyus。
LADYUTTERWORD[inacoolinstructivemanner，wallowingcomfortablyinherhammock]。Wehavenotsupplantedtheanimals，Hector。Whydoyouaskheaventodestroythishouse，whichcouldbemadequitecomfortableifHesionehadanynotionofhowtolive？Don’tyouknowwhatiswrongwithit？
HECTOR。Wearewrongwithit。Thereisnosenseinus。Weareuseless，dangerous，andoughttobeabolished。
LADYUTTERWORD。Nonsense！Hastingstoldmetheveryfirstdayhecamehere，nearlytwenty—fouryearsago，whatiswrongwiththehouse。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。What！Thenumskullsaidtherewassomethingwrongwithmyhouse！
LADYUTTERWORD。IsaidHastingssaidit;andheisnotintheleastanumskull。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。What’swrongwithmyhouse？
LADYUTTERWORD。Justwhatiswrongwithaship，papa。Wasn’titcleverofHastingstoseethat？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Theman’safool。There’snothingwrongwithaship。
LADYUTTERWORD。Yes，thereis。
MRSHUSHABYE。Butwhatisit？Don’tbeaggravating，Addy。
LADYUTTERWORD。Guess。
HECTOR。Demons。DaughtersofthewitchofZanzibar。Demons。
LADYUTTERWORD。Notabit。Iassureyou，allthishouseneedstomakeitasensible，healthy，pleasanthouse，withgoodappetitesandsoundsleepinit，ishorses。
MRSHUSHABYE。Horses！Whatrubbish！
LADYUTTERWORD。Yes：horses。Whyhaveweneverbeenabletoletthishouse？Becausetherearenoproperstables。GoanywhereinEnglandwheretherearenatural，wholesome，contented，andreallyniceEnglishpeople;andwhatdoyoualwaysfind？Thatthestablesaretherealcentreofthehousehold;andthatifanyvisitorwantstoplaythepianothewholeroomhastobeupsetbeforeitcanbeopened，therearesomanythingspiledonit。I
neverliveduntilIlearnedtoride;andIshallneverridereallywellbecauseIdidn’tbeginasachild。ThereareonlytwoclassesingoodsocietyinEngland：theequestrianclassesandtheneuroticclasses。Itisn’tmereconvention：everybodycanseethatthepeoplewhohuntaretherightpeopleandthepeoplewhodon’tarethewrongones。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thereissometruthinthis。Myshipmadeamanofme;andashipisthehorseofthesea。
LADYUTTERWORD。ExactlyhowHastingsexplainedyourbeingagentleman。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Notbadforanumskull。Bringthemanherewithyounexttime：Imusttalktohim。
LADYUTTERWORD。WhyisRandallsuchanobviousrotter？Heiswellbred;hehasbeenatapublicschoolandauniversity;hehasbeenintheForeignOffice;heknowsthebestpeopleandhaslivedallhislifeamongthem。Whyishesounsatisfactory，socontemptible？Whycan’thegetavalettostaywithhimlongerthanafewmonths？Justbecauseheistoolazyandpleasure—lovingtohuntandshoot。Hestrumsthepiano，andsketches，andrunsaftermarriedwomen，andreadsliterarybooksandpoems。Heactuallyplaystheflute;butIneverlethimbringitintomyhouse。Ifhewouldonly——[sheisinterruptedbythemelancholystrainsofaflutecomingfromanopenwindowabove。
Sheraisesherselfindignantlyinthehammock]。Randall，youhavenotgonetobed。Haveyoubeenlistening？[Thefluterepliespertly]。Howvulgar！Gotobedinstantly，Randall：howdareyou？
[Thewindowisslammeddown。Shesubsides]。Howcananyonecareforsuchacreature！
MRSHUSHABYE。Addy：doyouthinkEllieoughttomarrypoorAlfredmerelyforhismoney？
MANGAN[muchalarmed]。What’sthat？MrsHushabye，aremyaffairstobediscussedlikethisbeforeeverybody？
LADYUTTERWORD。Idon’tthinkRandallislisteningnow。
MANGAN。Everybodyislistening。Itisn’tright。
MRSHUSHABYE。Butinthedark，whatdoesitmatter？Elliedoesn’tmind。Doyou，Ellie？
ELLIE。Notintheleast。Whatisyouropinion，LadyUtterword？
Youhavesomuchgoodsense。
MANGAN。Butitisn’tright。It——[MrsHushabyeputsherhandonhismouth]。Oh，verywell。
LADYUTTERWORD。Howmuchmoneyhaveyou，Mr。Mangan？
MANGAN。Really——No：Ican’tstandthis。
LADYUTTERWORD。Nonsense，MrMangan！Itallturnsonyourincome，doesn’tit？
MANGAN。Well，ifyoucometothat，howmuchmoneyhasshe？
ELLIE。None。
LADYUTTERWORD。Youareanswered，MrMangan。Andnow，asyouhavemadeMissDunnthrowhercardsonthetable，youcannotrefusetoshowyourown。
MRSHUSHABYE。Come，Alf！outwithit！Howmuch？
MANGAN[baitedoutofallprudence]。Well，ifyouwanttoknow，I
havenomoneyandneverhadany。
MRSHUSHABYE。Alfred，youmustn’ttellnaughtystories。
MANGAN。I’mnottellingyoustories。I’mtellingyoutherawtruth。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thenwhatdoyouliveon，MrMangan？
MANGAN。Travellingexpenses。Andatrifleofcommission。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Whatmorehaveanyofusbuttravellingexpensesforourlife’sjourney？
MRSHUSHABYE。Butyouhavefactoriesandcapitalandthings？
MANGAN。PeoplethinkIhave。PeoplethinkI’manindustrialNapoleon。That’swhyMissElliewantstomarryme。ButItellyouIhavenothing。
ELLIE。DoyoumeanthatthefactoriesarelikeMarcus’stigers？
Thattheydon’texist？
MANGAN。Theyexistallrightenough。Butthey’renotmine。Theybelongtosyndicatesandshareholdersandallsortsoflazygood—for—nothingcapitalists。Igetmoneyfromsuchpeopletostartthefactories。IfindpeoplelikeMissDunn’sfathertoworkthem，andkeepatighthandsoastomakethempay。OfcourseImakethemkeepmegoingprettywell;butit’sadog’slife;andIdon’townanything。
MRSHUSHABYE。Alfred，Alfred，youaremakingapoormouthofittogetoutofmarryingEllie。
MANGAN。I’mtellingthetruthaboutmymoneyforthefirsttimeinmylife;andit’sthefirsttimemywordhaseverbeendoubted。
LADYUTTERWORD。Howsad！Whydon’tyougoinforpolitics，MrMangan？
MANGAN。Goinforpolitics！Wherehaveyoubeenliving？Iaminpolitics。
LADYUTTERWORD。I’msureIbegyourpardon。Ineverheardofyou。
MANGAN。Letmetellyou，LadyUtterword，thatthePrimeMinisterofthiscountryaskedmetojointheGovernmentwithoutevengoingthroughthenonsenseofanelection，asthedictatorofagreatpublicdepartment。
LADYUTTERWORD。AsaConservativeoraLiberal？
MANGAN。Nosuchnonsense。Asapracticalbusinessman。[Theyallburstoutlaughing]。Whatareyoualllaughingat？
MRSHUSHARYE。Oh，Alfred，Alfred！
ELLIE。You！whohavetogetmyfathertodoeverythingforyou！
MRSHUSHABYE。You！whoareafraidofyourownworkmen！
HECTOR。You！withwhomthreewomenhavebeenplayingcatandmousealltheevening！
LADYUTTERWORD。Youmusthavegivenanimmensesumtothepartyfunds，MrMangan。
MANGAN。Notapennyoutofmyownpocket。Thesyndicatefoundthemoney：theyknewhowusefulIshouldbetothemintheGovernment。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thisismostinterestingandunexpected，MrMangan。Andwhathaveyouradministrativeachievementsbeen，sofar？
MANGAN。Achievements？Well，Idon’tknowwhatyoucallachievements;butI’vejollywellputastoptothegamesoftheotherfellowsintheotherdepartments。Everymanofthemthoughthewasgoingtosavethecountryallbyhimself，anddomeoutofthecreditandoutofmychanceofatitle。Itookgoodcarethatiftheywouldn’tletmedoittheyshouldn’tdoitthemselveseither。Imaynotknowanythingaboutmyownmachinery;butI
knowhowtostickaramrodintotheotherfellow’s。Andnowtheyalllookthebiggestfoolsgoing。
HECTOR。Andinheaven’sname，whatdoyoulooklike？
MANGAN。Ilooklikethefellowthatwastoocleverforalltheothers，don’tI？Ifthatisn’tatriumphofpracticalbusiness，whatis？
HECTOR。IsthisEngland，orisitamadhouse？
LADYUTTERWORD。Doyouexpecttosavethecountry，MrMangan？
MANGAN。Well，whoelsewill？WillyourMrRandallsaveit？
LADYUTTERWORD。Randalltherotter！Certainlynot。
MANGAN。Willyourbrother—in—lawsaveitwithhismoustacheandhisfinetalk？
HECTOR。Yes，iftheywillletme。
MANGAN[sneering]。Ah！Willtheyletyou？
HECTOR。No。Theypreferyou。
MANGAN。Verywellthen，asyou’reinaworldwhereI’mappreciatedandyou’renot，you’dbestbeciviltome，hadn’tyou？Whoelseistherebutme？
LADYUTTERWORD。ThereisHastings。Getridofyourridiculousshamdemocracy;andgiveHastingsthenecessarypowers，andagoodsupplyofbambootobringtheBritishnativetohissenses：
hewillsavethecountrywiththegreatestease。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Ithadbetterbelost。Anyfoolcangovernwithastickinhishand。Icouldgovernthatway。ItisnotGod’sway。Themanisanumskull。
LADYUTTERWORD。Themanisworthallofyourolledintoone。Whatdoyousay，MissDunn？
ELLIE。Ithinkmyfatherwoulddoverywellifpeopledidnotputuponhimandcheathimanddespisehimbecauseheissogood。
MANGAN[contemptuously]。IthinkIseeMazziniDunngettingintoparliamentorpushinghiswayintotheGovernment。We’venotcometothatyet，thankGod！Whatdoyousay，MrsHushabye？
MRSHUSHABYE。Oh，Isayitmattersverylittlewhichofyougovernsthecountrysolongaswegovernyou。
HECTOR。We？Whoiswe，pray？
MRSHUSHABYE。Thedevil’sgranddaughters，dear。Thelovelywomen。
HECTOR[raisinghishandsasbefore]。Fall，Isay，anddeliverusfromtheluresofSatan！
ELLIE。ThereseemstobenothingrealintheworldexceptmyfatherandShakespeare。Marcus’stigersarefalse;MrMangan’smillionsarefalse;thereisnothingreallystrongandtrueaboutHesionebutherbeautifulblackhair;andLadyUtterword’sistooprettytobereal。TheonethingthatwaslefttomewastheCaptain’sseventhdegreeofconcentration;andthatturnsouttobe——
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Rum。
LADYUTTERWORD[placidly]。Agooddealofmyhairisquitegenuine。TheDuchessofDitheringofferedmefiftyguineasforthis[touchingherforehead]undertheimpressionthatitwasatransformation;butitisallnaturalexceptthecolor。
MANGAN[wildly]。Lookhere：I’mgoingtotakeoffallmyclothes[hebeginstearingoffhiscoat]。
LADYUTTERWORD。}[in{Mr。Mangan！
CAPTAINSHOTOVER}consterna—{What’sthat？
HECTOR。}tion]{Ha！Ha！Do。DoELLIE}{Pleasedon’t。
MRSHUSHABYE[catchinghisarmandstoppinghim]。Alfred，forshame！Areyoumad？
MANGAN。Shame！Whatshameisthereinthishouse？Let’sallstripstarknaked。Wemayaswelldothethingthoroughlywhenwe’reaboutit。We’vestrippedourselvesmorallynaked：well，letusstripourselvesphysicallynakedaswell，andseehowwelikeit。
ItellyouIcan’tbearthis。Iwasbroughtuptoberespectable。
Idon’tmindthewomendyeingtheirhairandthemendrinking：
it’shumannature。Butit’snothumannaturetotelleverybodyaboutit。EverytimeoneofyouopensyourmouthIgolikethis[hecowersasiftoavoidamissile]，afraidofwhatwillcomenext。Howarewetohaveanyself—respectifwedon’tkeepitupthatwe’rebetterthanwereallyare？
LADYUTTERWORD。Iquitesympathizewithyou，MrMangan。Ihavebeenthroughitall;andIknowbyexperiencethatmenandwomenaredelicateplantsandmustbecultivatedunderglass。Ourfamilyhabitofthrowingstonesinalldirectionsandlettingtheairinisnotonlyunbearablyrude，butpositivelydangerous。
Still，thereisnousecatchingphysicalcoldsaswellasmoralones;sopleasekeepyourclotheson。
MANGAN。I’lldoasIlike：notwhatyoutellme。AmIachildoragrownman？Iwon’tstandthismotheringtyranny。I’llgobacktothecity，whereI’mrespectedandmademuchof。
MRSHUSHABYE。Goodbye，Alf。Thinkofussometimesinthecity。
ThinkofEllie’syouth！
ELLIE。ThinkofHesione’seyesandhair！
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thinkofthisgardeninwhichyouarenotadogbarkingtokeepthetruthout！
HECTOR。ThinkofLadyUtterword’sbeauty！hergoodsense！herstyle！
LADYUTTERWORD。Flatterer。Think，Mr。Mangan，whetheryoucanreallydoanybetterforyourselfelsewhere：thatistheessentialpoint，isn’tit？
MANGAN[surrendering]。Allright：allright。I’mdone。Haveityourownway。Onlyletmealone。Idon’tknowwhetherI’monmyheadormyheelswhenyouallstartonmelikethis。I’llstay。
I’llmarryher。I’lldoanythingforaquietlife。Areyousatisfiednow？
ELLIE。No。Ineverreallyintendedtomakeyoumarryme，MrMangan。Neverinthedepthsofmysoul。Ionlywantedtofeelmystrength：toknowthatyoucouldnotescapeifIchosetotakeyou。
MANGAN[indignantly]。What！Doyoumeantosayyouaregoingtothrowmeoveraftermyactingsohandsome？
LADYUTTERWORD。Ishouldnotbetoohasty，MissDunn。YoucanthrowMrManganoveratanytimeuptothelastmoment。Veryfewmeninhispositiongobankrupt。Youcanliveverycomfortablyonhisreputationforimmensewealth。
ELLIE。Icannotcommitbigamy，LadyUtterword。
MRSHUSHABYE。}{Bigamy！Whateveronearthareyou}{talkingabout，Ellie？
LADYUTTERWORD}[exclaiming{Bigamy！Whatdoyoumean，Miss}{Dunn？
MANGAN}altogether]{Bigamy！Doyoumeantosayyou’re}{marriedalready？
HECTOR}{Bigamy！Thisissomeenigma。
ELLIE。OnlyhalfanhouragoIbecameCaptainShotover’swhitewife。
MRSHUSHABYE。Ellie！Whatnonsense！Where？
ELLIE。Inheaven，wherealltruemarriagesaremade。
LADYUTTERWORD。Really，MissDunn！Really，papa！
MANGAN。HetoldmeIwastooold！Andhimamummy！
HECTOR[quotingShelley]。
\"TheiraltarthegrassyearthoutspreadsAndtheirpriestthemutteringwind。\"
ELLIE。Yes：I，EllieDunn，givemybrokenheartandmystrongsoundsoultoitsnaturalcaptain，myspiritualhusbandandsecondfather。
Shedrawsthecaptain’sarmthroughhers，andpatshishand。Thecaptainremainsfastasleep。
MRSHUSHABYE。Oh，that’sverycleverofyou，pettikins。Veryclever。Alfred，youcouldneverhaveliveduptoEllie。Youmustbecontentwithalittleshareofme。
MANGAN[snifflngandwipinghiseyes]。Itisn’tkind——[hisemotionchokeshim]。
LADYUTTERWORD。Youarewelloutofit，MrMangan。MissDunnisthemostconceitedyoungwomanIhavemetsinceIcamebacktoEngland。
MRSHUSHABYE。Oh，Ellieisn’tconceited。Areyou，pettikins？
ELLIE。Iknowmystrengthnow，Hesione。
MANGAN。Brazen，Icallyou。Brazen。
MRSHUSHABYE。Tut，tut，Alfred：don’tberude。Don’tyoufeelhowlovelythismarriagenightis，madeinheaven？Aren’tyouhappy，youandHector？Openyoureyes：AddyandEllielookbeautifulenoughtopleasethemostfastidiousman：weliveandloveandhavenotacareintheworld。Wewomenhavemanagedallthatforyou。Whyinthenameofcommonsensedoyougoonasifyouweretwomiserablewretches？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Itellyouhappinessisnogood。Youcanbehappywhenyouareonlyhalfalive。IamhappiernowIamhalfdeadthaneverIwasinmyprime。Butthereisnoblessingonmyhappiness。
ELLIE[herfacelightingup]。Lifewithablessing！thatiswhatIwant。NowIknowtherealreasonwhyIcouldn’tmarryMrMangan：therewouldbenoblessingonourmarriage。Thereisablessingonmybrokenheart。Thereisablessingonyourbeauty，Hesione。Thereisablessingonyourfather’sspirit。EvenontheliesofMarcusthereisablessing;butonMrMangan’smoneythereisnone。
MANGAN。Idon’tunderstandawordofthat。
ELLIE。NeitherdoI。ButIknowitmeanssomething。
MANGAN。Don’tsaytherewasanydifficultyabouttheblessing。I
wasreadytogetabishoptomarryus。
MRSHUSHABYE。Isn’theafool，pettikins？
HECTOR[fiercely]。Donotscorntheman。Weareallfools。
Mazzini，inpyjamasandarichlycoloredsilkdressinggown，comesfromthehouse，onLadyUtterword’sside。
MRSHUSHABYE。Oh！herecomestheonlymanwhoeverresistedme。
What’sthematter，MrDunn？Isthehouseonfire？
MAZZINI。Oh，no：nothing’sthematter：butreallyit’simpossibletogotosleepwithsuchaninterestingconversationgoingonunderone’swindow，andonsuchabeautifulnighttoo。Ijusthadtocomedownandjoinyouall。Whathasitallbeenabout？
MRSHUSHABYE。Oh，wonderfulthings，soldieroffreedom。
HECTOR。Forexample，Mangan，asapracticalbusinessman，hastriedtoundresshimselfandhasfailedignominiously;whilstyou，asanidealist，havesucceededbrilliantly。
MAZZINI。Ihopeyoudon’tmindmybeinglikethis，MrsHushabye。
[Hesitsdownonthecampstool]。
MRSHUSHABYE。Onthecontrary，Icouldwishyoualwayslikethat。
LADYUTTERWORD。Yourdaughter’smatchisoff，MrDunn。ItseemsthatMrMangan，whomweallsupposedtobeamanofproperty，ownsabsolutelynothing。
MAZZINI。Well，ofcourseIknewthat，LadyUtterword。Butifpeoplebelieveinhimandarealwaysgivinghimmoney，whereastheydon’tbelieveinmeandnevergivemeany，howcanIaskpoorEllietodependonwhatIcandoforher？
MANGAN。Don’tyourunawaywiththisideathatIhavenothing。
I——
HECTOR。Oh，don’texplain。Weunderstand。Youhaveacoupleofthousandpoundsinexchequerbills，50，000sharesworthtenpenceadozen，andhalfadozentabloidsofcyanideofpotassiumtopoisonyourselfwithwhenyouarefoundout。That’stherealityofyourmillions。
MAZZINI。Ohno，no，no。Heisquitehonest：thebusinessesaregenuineandperfectlylegal。
HECTOR[disgusted]。Yah！Notevenagreatswindler！
MANGAN。Soyouthink。ButI’vebeentoomanyforsomehonestmen，forallthat。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thereisnopleasingyou，MrMangan。Youaredeterminedtobeneitherrichnorpoor，honestnordishonest。
MANGAN。Thereyougoagain。EversinceIcameintothissillyhouseIhavebeenmadetolooklikeafool，thoughI’masgoodamaninthishouseasinthecity。
ELLIE[musically]。Yes：thissillyhouse，thisstrangelyhappyhouse，thisagonizinghouse，thishousewithoutfoundations。I
shallcallitHeartbreakHouse。
MRSHUSHABYE。Stop，Ellie;orIshallhowllikeananimal。
MANGAN[breaksintoalowsnivelling]！！！
MRSHUSAHBYE。There！youhavesetAlfredoff。
ELLIE。Ilikehimbestwhenheishowling。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Silence！[Mangansubsidesintosilence]。Isay，lettheheartbreakinsilence。
HECTOR。Doyouacceptthatnameforyourhouse？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Itisnotmyhouse：itisonlymykennel。
HECTOR。Wehavebeentoolonghere。Wedonotliveinthishouse：
wehauntit。
LADYUTTERWORD[hearttorn]。ItisdreadfultothinkhowyouhavebeenherealltheseyearswhileIhavegoneroundtheworld。I
escapedyoung;butithasdrawnmeback。Itwantstobreakmyhearttoo。Butitshan’t。Ihaveleftyouanditbehind。Itwassillyofmetocomeback。IfeltsentimentalaboutpapaandHesioneandtheoldplace。Ifeltthemcallingtome。
MAZZINI。Butwhataverynaturalandkindlyandcharminghumanfeeling，LadyUtterword！
LADYUTTERWORD。SoIthought，MrDunn。ButIknownowthatitwasonlythelastofmyinfluenza。IfoundthatIwasnotrememberedandnotwanted。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Youleftbecauseyoudidnotwantus。Wastherenoheartbreakinthatforyourfather？Youtoreyourselfupbytheroots;andthegroundhealedupandbroughtforthfreshplantsandforgotyou。Whatrighthadyoutocomebackandprobeoldwounds？
MRSHUSHABYE。Youwereacompletestrangertomeatfirst，Addy;
butnowIfeelasifyouhadneverbeenaway。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thankyou，Hesione;buttheinfluenzaisquitecured。TheplacemaybeHeartbreakHousetoyou，MissDunn，andtothisgentlemanfromthecitywhoseemstohavesolittleself—control;buttomeitisonlyaveryill—regulatedandratheruntidyvillawithoutanystables。
HECTOR。Inhabitedby——？
ELLIE。Acrazyoldseacaptainandayoungsingerwhoadoreshim。
MRSHUSHABYE。Asluttishfemale，tryingtostaveoffadoublechinandanelderlyspread，vainlywooingabornsoldieroffreedom。
MAZZINI。Oh，really，MrsHushabye——
MANGAN。AmemberofHisMajesty’sGovernmentthateverybodysetsdownasanincompoop：don’tforgethim，LadyUtterword。
LADYUTTERWORD。Andaveryfascinatinggentlemanwhosechiefoccupationistobemarriedtomysister。
HECTOR。Allheartbrokenimbeciles。
MAZZINI。Ohno。Surely，ifImaysayso，ratherafavorablespecimenofwhatisbestinourEnglishculture。Youareverycharmingpeople，mostadvanced，unprejudiced，frank，humane，unconventional，democratic，free—thinking，andeverythingthatisdelightfultothoughtfulpeople。
MRSHUSHABYE。Youdousproud，Mazzini。
MAZZINI。Iamnotflattering，really。WhereelsecouldIfeelperfectlyateaseinmypyjamas？IsometimesdreamthatIaminverydistinguishedsociety，andsuddenlyIhavenothingonbutmypyjamas！SometimesIhaven’tevenpyjamas。AndIalwaysfeeloverwhelmedwithconfusion。Buthere，Idon’tmindintheleast：
itseemsquitenatural。
LADYUTTERWORD。Aninfalliblesignthatyouarenownotinreallydistinguishedsociety，MrDunn。Ifyouwereinmyhouse，youwouldfeelembarrassed。
MAZZINI。Ishalltakeparticularcaretokeepoutofyourhouse，LadyUtterword。
LADYUTTERWORD。Youwillbequitewrong，MrDunn。Ishouldmakeyouverycomfortable;andyouwouldnothavethetroubleandanxietyofwonderingwhetheryoushouldwearyourpurpleandgoldoryourgreenandcrimsondressing—gownatdinner。Youcomplicatelifeinsteadofsimplifyingitbydoingtheseridiculousthings。
ELLIE。YourhouseisnotHeartbreakHouse：isit，LadyUtterword？
HECTOR。Yetshebreakshearts，easyasherhouseis。Thatpoordevilupstairswithhisflutehowlswhenshetwistshisheart，justasManganhowlswhenmywifetwistshis。
LADYUTTERWORD。ThatisbecauseRandallhasnothingtodobuthavehisheartbroken。Itisachangefromhavinghisheadshampooed。CatchanyonebreakingHastings’heart！
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thenumskullwins，afterall。
LADYUTTERWORD。IshallgobacktomynumskullwiththegreatestsatisfactionwhenIamtiredofyouall，cleverasyouare。
MANGAN[huffily]。Ineversetuptobeclever。
LADYUTTERWORD。Iforgotyou，MrMangan。
MANGAN。Well，Idon’tseethatquite，either。
LADYUTTERWORD。Youmaynotbeclever，MrMangan;butyouaresuccessful。
MANGAN。ButIdon’twanttoberegardedmerelyasasuccessfulman。Ihaveanimaginationlikeanyoneelse。IhaveapresentimentMRSHUSHABYE。Oh，youareimpossible，Alfred。HereIamdevotingmyselftoyou;andyouthinkofnothingbutyourridiculouspresentiment。Youboreme。Comeandtalkpoetrytomeunderthestars。[Shedragshimawayintothedarkness]。
MANGAN[tearfully，ashedisappears]。Yes：it’sallverywelltomakefunofme;butifyouonlyknew——
HECTOR[impatiently]。Howisallthisgoingtoend？
MAZZINI。Itwon’tend，MrHushabye。Lifedoesn’tend：itgoeson。
ELLIE。Oh，itcan’tgoonforever。I’malwaysexpectingsomething。Idon’tknowwhatitis;butlifemustcometoapointsometime。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thepointforayoungwomanofyourageisababy。
HECTOR。Yes，but，damnit，Ihavethesamefeeling;andIcan’thaveababy。
LADYUTTERWORD。Bydeputy，Hector。
HECTOR。ButIhavechildren。Allthatisoveranddonewithforme：andyetItoofeelthatthiscan’tlast。Wesitheretalking，andleaveeverythingtoManganandtochanceandtothedevil。
ThinkofthepowersofdestructionthatManganandhismutualadmirationgangwield！It’smadness：it’slikegivingatorpedotoabadlybroughtupchildtoplayatearthquakeswith。
MAZZINI。Iknow。IusedoftentothinkaboutthatwhenIwasyoung。
HECTOR。Think！What’sthegoodofthinkingaboutit？Whydidn’tyoudosomething？
MAZZINI。ButIdid。Ijoinedsocietiesandmadespeechesandwrotepamphlets。ThatwasallIcoulddo。But，youknow，thoughthepeopleinthesocietiesthoughttheyknewmorethanMangan，mostofthemwouldn’thavejoinediftheyhadknownasmuch。Youseetheyhadneverhadanymoneytohandleoranymentomanage。
EveryyearIexpectedarevolution，orsomefrightfulsmash—up：
itseemedimpossiblethatwecouldblunderandmuddleonanylonger。Butnothinghappened，except，ofcourse，theusualpovertyandcrimeanddrinkthatweareusedto。Nothingeverdoeshappen。It’samazinghowwellwegetalong，allthingsconsidered。
LADYUTTERWORD。PerhapssomebodyclevererthanyouandMrManganwasatworkallthetime。
MAZZINI。Perhapsso。ThoughIwasbroughtupnottobelieveinanything，Ioftenfeelthatthereisagreatdealtobesaidforthetheoryofanover—rulingProvidence，afterall。
LADYUTTERWORD。Providence！ImeantHastings。
MAZZINI。Oh，Ibegyourpardon，LadyUtterword。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。EverydrunkenskippertruststoProvidence。ButoneofthewaysofProvidencewithdrunkenskippersistorunthemontherocks。
MAZZINI。Verytrue，nodoubt，atsea。Butinpolitics，Iassureyou，theyonlyrunintojellyfish。Nothinghappens。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Atseanothinghappenstothesea。Nothinghappenstothesky。Thesuncomesupfromtheeastandgoesdowntothewest。Themoongrowsfromasickletoanarclamp，andcomeslaterandlateruntilsheislostinthelightasotherthingsarelostinthedarkness。Afterthetyphoon，theflying—fishglitterinthesunshinelikebirds。It’samazinghowtheygetalong，allthingsconsidered。Nothinghappens，exceptsomethingnotworthmentioning。
ELLIE。Whatisthat，OCaptain，Omycaptain？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER[savagely]。Nothingbutthesmashofthedrunkenskipper’sshipontherocks，thesplinteringofherrottentimbers，thetearingofherrustyplates，thedrowningofthecrewlikeratsinatrap。
ELLIE。Moral：don’ttakerum。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER[vehemently]。Thatisalie，child。Letamandrinktenbarrelsofrumaday，heisnotadrunkenskipperuntilheisadriftingskipper。Whilsthecanlayhiscourseandstandonhisbridgeandsteerit，heisnodrunkard。ItisthemanwholiesdrinkinginhisbunkandtruststoProvidencethatIcallthedrunkenskipper，thoughhedranknothingbutthewatersoftheRiverJordan。
ELLIE。Splendid！Andyouhaven’thadadropforanhour。Youseeyoudon’tneedit：yourownspiritisnotdead。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Echoes：nothingbutechoes。Thelastshotwasfiredyearsago。
HECTOR。Andthisshipthatweareallin？Thissoul’sprisonwecallEngland？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thecaptainisinhisbunk，drinkingbottledditch—water;andthecrewisgamblingintheforecastle。Shewillstrikeandsinkandsplit。DoyouthinkthelawsofGodwillbesuspendedinfavorofEnglandbecauseyouwereborninit？
HECTOR。Well，Idon’tmeantobedrownedlikearatinatrap。I
stillhavethewilltolive。WhatamItodo？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Do？Nothingsimpler。LearnyourbusinessasanEnglishman。
HECTOR。AndwhatmaymybusinessasanEnglishmanbe，pray？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Navigation。Learnitandlive;orleaveitandbedamned。
ELLIE。Quiet，quiet：you’lltireyourself。
MAZZINI。Ithoughtallthatonce，Captain;butIassureyounothingwillhappen。
Adulldistantexplosionisheard。
HECTOR[startingup]。Whatwasthat？
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Somethinghappening[heblowshiswhistle]。
Breakersahead！
Thelightgoesout。
HECTOR[furiously]。Whoputthatlightout？Whodaredputthatlightout？
NURSEGUINNESS[runninginfromthehousetothemiddleoftheesplanade]。Idid，sir。Thepolicehavetelephonedtosaywe’llbesummonedifwedon’tputthatlightout：itcanbeseenformiles。
HECTOR。Itshallbeseenforahundredmiles[hedashesintothehouse]。
NURSEGUINNESS。TheRectoryisnothingbutaheapofbricks，theysay。UnlesswecangivetheRectorabedhehasnowheretolayhisheadthisnight。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。TheChurchisontherocks，breakingup。ItoldhimitwouldunlessitheadedforGod’sopensea。
NURSEGUINNESS。Andyouarealltogodowntothecellars。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Gothereyourself，youandallthecrew。Battendownthehatches。
NURSEGUINNESS。AndhidebesidethecowardImarried！I’llgoontherooffirst。[Thelamplightsupagain]。There！MrHushabye’sturneditonagain。
THEBURGLAR[hurryinginandappealingtoNurseGuinness]。Here：
where’sthewaytothatgravelpit？Theboot—boysaysthere’sacaveinthegravelpit。Themcellarsisnouse。Where’sthegravelpit，Captain？
NURSEGUINNESS。Gostraightonpasttheflagstaffuntilyoufallintoitandbreakyourdirtyneck。[Shepusheshimcontemptuouslytowardstheflagstaff，andherselfgoestothefootofthehammockandwaitsthere，asitwerebyAriadne’scradle]。
Anotherandlouderexplosionisheard。Theburglarstopsandstandstrembling。
ELLIE[rising]。Thatwasnearer。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thenextonewillgetus。[Herises]。Standby，allhands，forjudgment。
THEBURGLAR。OhmyLordyGod！[Herushesawayfranticallypasttheflagstaffintothegloom]。
MRSHUSHABYE[emergingpantingfromthedarkness]。Whowasthatrunningaway？[ShecomestoEllie]。Didyouheartheexplosions？
Andthesoundinthesky：it’ssplendid：it’slikeanorchestra：
it’slikeBeethoven。
ELLIE。Bythunder，Hesione：itisBeethoven。
SheandHesionethrowthemselvesintooneanother’sarmsinwildexcitement。Thelightincreases。
MAZZINI[anxiously]。Thelightisgettingbrighter。
NURSEGUINNESS[lookingupatthehouse]。It’sMrHushabyeturningonallthelightsinthehouseandtearingdownthecurtains。
RANDALL[rushingininhispyjamas，distractedlywavingaflute]。
Ariadne，mysoul，myprecious，godowntothecellars：Ibegandimploreyou，godowntothecellars！
LADYUTTERWORD[quitecomposedinherhammock]。Thegovernor’swifeinthecellarswiththeservants！Really，Randall！
RANDALL。ButwhatshallIdoifyouarekilled？
LADYUTTERWORD。Youwillprobablybekilled，too，Randall。Nowplayyourflutetoshowthatyouarenotafraid;andbegood。
Playus\"Keepthehomefiresburning。\"
NURSEGUINNESS[grimly]。THEY’LLkeepthehomefiresburningforus：themupthere。
RANDALL[havingtriedtoplay]。Mylipsaretrembling。Ican’tgetasound。
MAZZINI。IhopepoorManganissafe。
MRSHUSHABYE。Heishidinginthecaveinthegravelpit。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Mydynamitedrewhimthere。ItisthehandofGod。
HECTOR[returningfromthehouseandstridingacrosstohisformerplace]。Thereisnothalflightenough。Weshouldbeblazingtotheskies。
ELLIE[tensewithexcitement]。Setfiretothehouse，Marcus。
MRSHUSHABYE。Myhouse！No。
HECTOR。Ithoughtofthat;butitwouldnotbereadyintime。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thejudgmenthascome。Couragewillnotsaveyou;butitwillshowthatyoursoulsarestilllive。
MRSHUSHABYE。Sh—sh！Listen：doyouhearitnow？It’smagnificent。
Theyallturnawayfromthehouseandlookup，listening。
HECTOR[gravely]。MissDunn，youcandonogoodhere。Weofthishouseareonlymothsflyingintothecandle。Youhadbettergodowntothecellar。
ELLIE[scornfully]。Idon’tthink。
MAZZINI。Ellie，dear，thereisnodisgraceingoingtothecellar。Anofficerwouldorderhissoldierstotakecover。MrHushabyeisbehavinglikeanamateur。Manganandtheburglarareactingverysensibly;anditistheywhowillsurvive。
ELLIE。Letthem。Ishallbehavelikeanamateur。Butwhyshouldyourunanyrisk？
MAZZINI。Thinkoftheriskthosepoorfellowsuptherearerunning！
NURSEGUINNESS。Thinkofthem，indeed，themurderingblackguards！
Whatnext？
Aterrificexplosionshakestheearth。Theyreelbackintotheirseats，orclutchthenearestsupport。Theyhearthefallingoftheshatteredglassfromthewindows。
MAZZINI。Isanyonehurt？
HECTOR。Wherediditfall？
NURSEGUINNESS[inhideoustriumph]。Rightinthegravelpit：I
seenit。Serveunright！Iseenit[sherunsawaytowardsthegravelpit，laughingharshly]。
HECTOR。Onehusbandgone。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Thirtypoundsofgooddynamitewasted。
MAZZINI。Oh，poorMangan！
HECTOR。Areyouimmortalthatyouneedpityhim？Ourturnnext。
Theywaitinsilenceandintenseexpectation。HesioneandEllieholdeachother’shandtight。
Adistantexplosionisheard。
MRSHUSHABYE[relaxinghergrip]。Oh！theyhavepassedus。
LADYUTTERWORD。Thedangerisover，Randall。Gotobed。
CAPTAINSHOTOVER。Turnin，allhands。Theshipissafe。[Hesitsdownandgoesasleep]。
ELLIE[disappointedly]。Safe！
HECTOR[disgustedly]。Yes，safe。Andhowdamnablydulltheworldhasbecomeagainsuddenly！[hesitsdown]。
MAZZINI[sittingdown]。Iwasquitewrong，afterall。Itiswewhohavesurvived;andManganandtheburglar—
HECTOR。——thetwoburglars——
LADYUTTERWORD。——thetwopracticalmenofbusiness——
MAZZINI。——bothgone。Andthepoorclergymanwillhavetogetanewhouse。
MRSHUSHABYE。Butwhatagloriousexperience！Ihopethey’llcomeagaintomorrownight。
ELLIE[radiantattheprospect]。Oh，Ihopeso。
Randallatlastsucceedsinkeepingthehomefiresburningonhisflute。