Contents：
AreWeAsInterestingAsWeThinkWeAre？
ShouldWomenBeBeautiful？
WhenIsTheBestTimeToBeMerry？
DoWeLieA—BedTooLate？
ShouldMarriedMenPlayGolf？
AreEarlyMarriagesAMistake？
DoWritersWriteTooMuch？
ShouldSoldiersBePolite？
OughtStoriesToBeTrue？
CreaturesThatOneDayShallBeMenHowToBeHappyThoughLittleShouldWeSayWhatWeThink，OrThinkWhatWeSay？
IsTheAmericanHusbandMadeEntirelyOfStainedGlassDoesTheYoungManKnowEverythingWorthKnowing？
HowManyCharmsHathMusic，WouldYouSay？
Thewhiteman’sburden！Needitbesoheavy？
WhyDidn’tHeMarryTheGirl？
WhatMrs。WilkinsthoughtaboutitShallWeBeRuinedByChineseCheapLabour？
HowToSolveTheServantProblemWhyWeHateTheForeignerAREWEASINTERESTINGASWETHINKWEARE？
\"Charmed。Veryhotweatherwe’vebeenhavingoflate——Imeancold。
Letmesee，Ididnotquitecatchyournamejustnow。Thankyousomuch。Yes，itisabitclose。\"Andasilencefalls，neitherofusbeingabletothinkwhatnexttosay。
Whathashappenedisthis：Myhosthasmetmeinthedoorway，andshakenmeheartilybythehand。
\"Sogladyouwereabletocome，\"hehassaid。\"Somefriendsofminehere，veryanxioustomeetyou。\"Hehasbustledmeacrosstheroom。
\"Delightfulpeople。You’lllikethem——havereadallyourbooks。\"
Hehasbroughtmeuptoastatelylady，andhaspresentedme。Wehaveexchangedthecustomarycommonplaces，andshe，Ifeel，iswaitingformetosaysomethingclever，originalandtactful。AndI
don’tknowwhethersheisPresbyterianorMormon;aProtectionistoraFreeTrader;whethersheisengagedtobemarriedorhaslatelybeendivorced！
Afriendofmineadoptsthesensibleplanofalwaysprovidingyouwithashorthistoryofthepersontowhomheisabouttoleadyou。
\"IwanttointroduceyoutoaMrs。Jones，\"hewhispers。\"Cleverwoman。Wroteabooktwoyearsago。Forgetthenameofit。
Somethingabouttwins。Keepawayfromsausages。FatherranaporkshopintheBorough。HusbandontheStockExchange。Keepoffcoke。
Unpleasantnessaboutacompany。You’llgetonbestbystickingtothebook。Lotinitaboutplatonicfriendship。Don’tseemtobelookingtoocloselyather。Hasaslightsquintshetriestohide。\"
Bythistimewehavereachedthelady，andheintroducesmeasafriendofhiswhoissimplydyingtoknowher。
\"Wantstotalkaboutyourbook，\"heexplains。\"Disagreeswithyouentirelyonthesubjectofplatonicfriendship。Sureyou’llbeabletoconvincehim。\"
Itsavesusbothadealoftrouble。Istartatonceonplatonicfriendship，andaskherquestionsabouttwins，avoidingsausagesandcoke。Shethinksmeanunusuallyinterestingman，andIamlessboredthanotherwiseImightbe。
Ihavesometimesthoughtitwouldbeaserviceabledeviceif，inSociety，weallofusworeaneatcard——pinned，say，uponourback——
settingforthsuchinformationaswasnecessary;ournamelegiblywritten，andhowtobepronounced;ourage（notnecessarilyingoodfaith，butforpurposesofconversation。OnceIseriouslyhurtaGermanladybydemandingofherinformationabouttheFranco—Germanwar。Shelookedtomeasifshecouldnotobjecttobeingtakenforforty。Itturnedoutshewasthirty—seven。HadInotbeenanEnglishmanImighthavehadtofightaduel）;ourreligiousandpoliticalbeliefs;togetherwithalistofthesubjectsweweremostathomeupon;andafewfactsconcerningourcareer——sufficienttosavethestrangerfrom，whatisvulgarlytermed\"puttinghisfootinit。\"Beforemakingjokesabout\"Dumping，\"ordiscussingthequestionofChineseCheapLabour，onewouldglancebehindandnotewhetherone’scompanionwasticketed\"Whole—hogger，\"or\"Pro—Boer。\"Guestsdesirousofagreeablepartners——an\"agreeableperson，\"accordingtothelateLordBeaconsfield’sdefinition，being\"apersonwhoagreeswithyou\"——couldmaketheirownselection。
\"Excuseme。Wouldyoumindturningroundaminute？Ah，’WagnerianCrank！’Iamafraidweshouldnotgetontogether。IprefertheItalianschool。\"
Or，\"Howdelightful。Iseeyoudon’tbelieveinvaccination。MayI
takeyouintosupper？\"
Those，ontheotherhand，fondofargumentwouldchooseasuitableopponent。Amasterofceremoniesmightbeprovidedwhowouldstandinthecentreoftheroomandcallforpartners：\"LadywithstrongviewsinfavouroffemalefranchisewishestomeetgentlemanholdingtheopinionsofSt。Paul。Withviewtoargument。\"
AnAmericanlady，ayearortwoago，wrotemealetterthatdidmerealgood：sheappreciatedmyworkwithsomuchunderstanding，criticiseditwithsuchsympatheticinterest。Sheaddedthat，wheninEnglandthesummerbefore，shehadbeenonthepointofacceptinganinvitationtomeetme;butatthelastmomentshehadchangedhermind;shefeltsosure——sheputitpleasantly，butthisiswhatitcameto——thatinmyownproperpersonIshouldfallshortofherexpectations。FormyownsakeIfeltsorryshehadcriedoff;itwouldhavebeenworthsomethingtohavemetsosensibleawoman。Anauthorintroducedtopeoplewhohaveread——orwhosaythattheyhaveread——hisbooks，feelsalwayslikeamantakenforthefirsttimetobeshowntohisfuturewife’srelations。Theyareverypleasant。
Theytrytoputhimathisease。Butheknowsinstinctivelytheyaredisappointedwithhim。Iremember，whenaveryyoungman，attendingapartyatwhichafamousAmericanhumoristwasthechiefguest。I
wasstandingclosebehindaladywhowastalkingtoherhusband。
\"Hedoesn’tlookabitfunny，\"saidthelady。
\"GreatScott！\"answeredherhusband。\"Howdidyouexpecthimtolook？Didyouthinkhewouldhavearednoseandapatchoveroneeye？\"
\"Oh，well，hemightlookfunnierthanthat，anyhow，\"retortedthelady，highlydissatisfied。\"Itisn’tworthcomingfor。\"
Weallknowthestoryofthehostesswho，leaningacrossthetableduringthedessert，requestedofthefunnymanthathewouldkindlysaysomethingamusingsoon，becausethedearchildrenwerewaitingtogotobed。Children，Isuppose，havenouseforfunnypeoplewhodon’tchoosetobefunny。IonceinvitedafrienddowntomyhouseforaSaturdaytoMonday。Heisanentertainingman，andbeforehecameIdilatedonhispowersofhumour——somewhatfoolishlyperhaps——
inthepresenceofacertainyouthfulpersonwhoresideswithme，andwholistenswhensheoughtn’tto，andneverwhensheought。Hehappenednottobeinahumorousmoodthatevening。Myyoungrelation，afterdinner，climbeduponmyknee。Forquitefiveminutesshesatsilent。Thenshewhispered：
\"Hashesaidanythingfunny？\"
\"Hush。No，notyet;don’tbesilly。\"
Fiveminuteslater：\"Wasthatfunny？\"
\"No，ofcoursenot。\"
\"Whynot？\"
\"Because——can’tyouhear？WearetalkingaboutOldAgePensions。\"
\"What’sthat？\"
\"Oh，it’s——oh，nevermindnow。Itisn’tasubjectonwhichonecanbefunny。\"
\"Thenwhat’shewanttotalkaboutitfor？\"
Shewaitedforanotherquarterofanhour。Then，evidentlybored，andmuchtomyrelief，suggestedherselfthatshemightaswellgotobed。Sherantomethenextmorninginthegardenwithanairoftriumph。
\"Hesaidsomethingsofunnylastnight，\"shetoldme。
\"Oh，whatwasit？\"Iinquired。ItseemedtomeImusthavemissedit。
\"Well，Ican’texactly’memberit，\"sheexplained，\"notjustatthemoment。Butitwassofunny。Idreamedit，youknow。\"
ForfolksnotLions，butcloselyrelatedtoLions，introductionsmustbetryingordeals。Youtellthemthatforyearsyouhavebeenyearningtomeetthem。Youassurethem，inavoicetremblingwithemotion，thatthisisindeedaprivilege。Yougoontoaddthatwhenaboy—
AtthispointtheyhavetointerruptyoutoexplainthattheyarenottheMr。So—and—So，butonlyhiscousinorhisgrandfather;andallyoucanthinkoftosayis：\"Oh，I’msosorry。\"
Ihadanephewwhowasoncetheamateurlong—distancebicyclechampion。Ihavehimstill，butheisstouterandhascomedowntoamotorcar。InsportingcirclesIwasalwaysintroducedas\"Shorland’sUncle。\"Close—croppedyoungmenwouldgazeatmewithrapture;andtheninquire：\"Anddoyoudoanythingyourself，Mr。
Jerome？\"
Butmycasewasnotsobadasthatofafriendofmine，adoctor。Hemarriedaleadingactress，andwasknowneverafterwardsas\"MissB—
’shusband。\"
Atpublicdinners，whereonetakesone’sseatfortheeveningnexttosomeonethatonepossiblyhasnevermetbefore，andisneverlikelytomeetagain，conversationisdifficultanddangerous。IremembertalkingtoaladyataVagabondClubdinner。Sheaskedmeduringtheentree——withalightlaugh，asIafterwardsrecalled——whatIthought，candidly，ofthelastbookofacertaincelebratedauthoress。Itoldher，andacoldnesssprangupbetweenus。Shehappenedtobethecertaincelebratedauthoress;shehadchangedherplaceatthelastmomentsoastoavoidsittingnexttoanotherladynovelist，whomshehated。
Onehastoshiftoneself，sometimes，ontheseoccasions。AnewspapermancameuptomelastNinthofNovemberattheMansionHouse。
\"Wouldyoumindchangingseatswithme？\"heasked。\"It’sabitawkward。They’veputmenexttomyfirstwife。\"
Ihadatroubledeveningmyselfoncelongago。IaccompaniedayoungwidowladytoamusicalAtHome，givenbyaladywhohadmoreacquaintancesthansheknew。Wemetthebutleratthetopofthestairs。Myfriendspokefirst：
\"SayMrs。Dashand——\"
Thebutlerdidnotwaitformore——hewasayoungishman——butshoutedout：
\"Mr。andMrs。Dash。\"
\"Mydear！howveryquietyouhavekept！\"criedourhostessdelighted。
\"Doletmecongratulateyou。\"
Thecrushwastoogreatandourhostesstoodistractedatthemomentforanyexplanations。Weweresweptaway，andbothofusspenttheremainderoftheeveningfeeblyprotestingoursingleness。
Ifithadhappenedonthestageitwouldhavetakenusthewholeplaytogetoutofit。Stagepeoplearenotallowedtoputthingsrightwhenmistakesaremadewiththeiridentity。Ifthelightcomedianisexpectingaplumber，thefirstmanthatcomesintothedrawing—roomhasgottobeaplumber。Heisnotallowedtopointoutthatheneverwasaplumber;thathedoesn’tlooklikeaplumber;thatnoonenotanidiotwouldmistakehimforaplumber。Hehasgottobeshutupinthebath—roomandhavewaterpouredoverhim，justasifhewereaplumber——astageplumber，thatis。Nottillrightawayattheendofthelastactishepermittedtoremarkthathehappenstobethenewcurate。
Isatoutaplayonceatwhichmostpeoplelaughed。Itmademesad。
Adearoldladyenteredtowardstheendofthefirstact。Weknewshewastheaunt。Nobodycanpossiblymistakethestageaunt——exceptthepeopleonthestage。They，ofcourse，mistookherforacircusrider，andshutherupinacupboard。Itiswhatcupboardsseemtobereservedforonthestage。Nothingiseverputinthemexceptingthehero’srelations。Whenshewasn’tinthecupboardshewasinaclothesbasket，ortiedupinacurtain。Allsheneedhavedonewastoholdontosomethingwhileremarkingtothehero：
\"Ifyou’llstopshoutingandjumpingaboutforjusttenseconds，andgivemeachancetoobservethatIamyourmaidenauntfromDevonshire，allthistomfoolerycanbeavoided。\"
Thatwouldhaveendedit。Asamatteroffactthatdidenditfiveminutespasteleven。Ithadn’toccurredtohertosayitbefore。
InreallifeIneverknewbutofonecasewhereamansufferedinsilenceunpleasantnesshecouldhaveendedwithaword;andthatwasthecaseofthelateCorneyGrain。Hehadbeenengagedtogivehisentertainmentatacountryhouse。Theladywasanouvellericheofsnobbishinstincts。SheleftinstructionsthatCorneyGrainwhenhearrivedwastodinewiththeservants。Thebutler，whoknewbetter，apologised;butCorneywasamannoteasilydisconcerted。Hedinedwell，andafterdinnerroseandaddressedtheassembledcompany。
\"Well，now，mygoodfriends，\"saidCorney，\"ifwehaveallfinished，andifyouareallagreeable，Ishallbepleasedtopresenttoyoumylittleshow。\"
Theservantscheered。Thepianowasdispensedwith。Corneycontrivedtoamusehisaudienceverywellforhalf—an—hourwithoutit。Atteno’clockcamedownamessage：WouldMr。CorneyGraincomeupintothedrawing—room。Corneywent。Thecompanyinthedrawing—
roomwerewaiting，seated。
\"Weareready，Mr。Grain，\"remarkedthehostess。
\"Readyforwhat？\"demandedCorney。
\"Foryourentertainment，\"answeredthehostess。
\"ButIhavegivenitalready，\"explainedCorney;\"andmyengagementwasforoneperformanceonly。\"
\"Givenit！Where？When？\"
\"Anhourago，downstairs。\"
\"Butthisisnonsense，\"exclaimedthehostess。
\"Itseemedtomesomewhatunusual，\"Corneyreplied;\"butithasalwaysbeenmyprivilegetodinewiththecompanyIamaskedtoentertain。Itookityouhadarrangedalittletreatfortheservants。\"
AndCorneylefttocatchhistrain。
Anotherentertainertoldmethefollowingstory，althoughajokeagainsthimself。HeandCorneyGrainweresharingacottageontheriver。Amancalledearlyonemorningtodiscussaffairs，andwastalkingtoCorneyintheparlour，whichwasonthegroundfloor。Thewindowwasopen。Theotherentertainer——themanwhotoldmethestory——wasdressingintheroomabove。Thinkingherecognisedthevoiceofthevisitorbelow，heleantoutofhisbedroomwindowtohearbetter。Heleanttoofar，anddivedheadforemostintoabedofflowers，hisbarelegs——andonlyhisbarelegs——showingthroughtheopenwindowoftheparlour。
\"Goodgracious！\"exclaimedthevisitor，turningatthemomentandseeingapairofwrigglinglegsabovethewindowsill;\"who’sthat？\"
Corneyfixedhiseyeglassandstrolledtothewindow。
\"Oh，it’sonlyWhat’s—his—name，\"heexplained。\"Wonderfulspirits。
Canbefunnyinthemorning。\"
SHOULDWOMENBEBEAUTIFUL？
Prettywomenaregoingtohaveahardtimeofitlateron。Hitherto，theyhavehadthingsfartoomuchtheirownway。Inthefuturetherearegoingtobenoprettygirls，forthesimplereasontherewillbenoplaingirlsagainstwhichtocontrastthem。OflateIhavedonesomesystematicreadingofladies’papers。Theplaingirlsubmitstoacourseof\"treatment。\"IneighteenmonthssheburstsuponSocietyanacknowledgedbeauty。Anditisalldonebykindness。Onegirlwrites：
\"OnlyalittlewhileagoIusedtolookatmyselfintheglassandcry。NowIlookatmyselfandlaugh。\"
Theletterisaccompaniedbytwophotographsoftheyounglady。I
shouldhavecriedmyselfhadIseenherasshewasatfirst。Shewasastumpy，flat—headed，squat—nosed，cross—eyedthing。Shedidnotevenlookgood。Onevirtuesheappearstohavehad，however。Itwasfaith。Shebelievedwhatthelabelsaid，shedidwhatthelabeltoldher。Sheisnowatall，ravishingyoungperson，heronlytroublebeing，Ishouldsay，toknowwhattodowithherhair——itreachestoherkneesandmustbeanuisancetoher。Shewoulddobettertogivesomeofitaway。Takingthisyoungladyasatext，itmeansthatthegirlwhodeclinestobeadreamoflovelinessdoessooutofobstinacy。Whattherawmaterialmaybedoesnotappeartomatter。
Providednofeatureisabsolutelymissing，theresultisoneandthesame。
Arrivedatyearsofdiscretion，themaidenproceedstochoosethestyleofbeautysheprefers。WillshebeaJuno，aVenus，oraHelen？WillshehaveaGreciannose，oronetip—tiltedlikethepetalofarose？Lethertrythetip—tiltedstylefirst。Theprofessorhasanideaitisgoingtobefashionable。Ifafterwardsshedoesnotlikeit，therewillbetimetotrytheGrecian。Itisdifficulttodecidethesepointswithoutexperiment。
Wouldtheladylikeahighoralowforehead？Someladiesliketolookintelligent。Itispurelyamatteroftaste。WiththeGreciannose，thelowbroadforeheadperhapsgoesbetter。Itismoreaccordingtoprecedent。Ontheotherhand，thehighbrainyforeheadwouldbemoreoriginal。Itisfortheladyherselftoselect。
Wecometothequestionofeyes。Theladyfanciesadelicateblue，nottoopronouncedacolour——oneofthoseusefulshadesthatgowithalmosteverything。Atthesametimethereshouldbedepthandpassion。Theprofessorunderstandsexactlythesortofeyetheladymeans。Butitwillbeexpensive。Thereisacheapquality;theprofessordoesnotrecommendit。Truethatitpassesmusterbygaslight，butthesunlightshowsitup。Itlackstenderness，andatthepriceyoucanhardlyexpectittocontainmuchhiddenmeaning。
Theprofessoradvisesthemelting，Oh—George—take—me—in—your—arms—
and—still—my—foolish—fearsbrand。Itcostsalittlemore，butitpaysforitselfintheend。
Perhapsitwillbebest，nowtheeyehasbeenfixedupon，todiscussthequestionofthehair。Theprofessoropenshisbookofpatterns。
Maybetheladyisofawilfuldisposition。Shelovestorunlaughingthroughthewoodsduringexceptionallyrainyweather;ortogallopacrossthedownswithoutahat，herfairringletsstreaminginthewind，theoldfamilycoachmanpantingandexpostulatingintherear。
Ifonemaytrustthepopularnovel，extremelysatisfactoryhusbandshaveoftenbeensecuredinthisway。Younaturallylookatagirlwhoiswalkingthroughawood，laughingheartilyapparentlyfornootherreasonthanbecauseitisraining——whoridesatstretchgallopwithoutahat。Ifyouhavenothingelsetodo，youfollowher。Itisalwaysonthecardsthatsuchagirlmaydosomethingreallyamusingbeforeshegetshome。Thusthingsbegin。
Toagirlofthiskind，naturallycurlyhairisessential。Itmustbethesortofhairthatlooksbetterwhenitissoakingwet。Thebottleofstuffthatmakesthisparticularhairtogrowmaybeconsidereddear，ifyouthinkmerelyoftheprice。Butthatisnotthewaytolookatit。\"Whatisitgoingtodoforme？\"Thatiswhatthegirlhasgottoaskherself。Itdoesnotdotospoiltheshipforaha’porthoftar，asthesayingis。Ifyouaregoingtobeadashing，wilfulbeauty，youmusthavethehairforit，orthewholeschemefallstotheground。
Eyebrowsandeyelashes，theprofessorassumes，theladywouldliketomatchthehair。Toomucheccentricitytheprofessordoesnotagreewith。Nature，afterall，isthebestguide;neatnesscombinedwithtaste，thatistheidealtobeaimedat。Theeyebrowsshouldbealmoststraight，theprofessorthinks;theeyelasheslongandsilky，withjustthesuspicionofacurl。Theprofessorwouldalsosuggestalittlelesscheekbone。Cheekbonesarebeingwornlowthisseason。
Willtheladyhaveadimpledchin，ordoesshefancythesquare—cutjaw？Maybethesquare—cutjawandthefirm，sweetmoutharemoresuitableforthemarriedwoman。Theygowellenoughwiththebabyandthetea—urn，andthestrong，proudmaninthebackground。Fortheunmarriedgirlthedimpledchinandtherosebudmouthare，perhaps，onthewholesafer。Somegentlemenaresonervousofthatfirm，squarejaw。Forthepresent，atallevents，letuskeeptotherosebudandthedimple。
Complexion！Well，thereisonlyonecomplexionworthconsidering——acreamywhite，relievedbydelicatepeachpink。Itgoeswitheverything，andisalwayseffective。Richolives，strikingpallors——
yes，youhearofthesethingsdoingwell。Theprofessor’sexperience，however，isthatforall—roundworkyouwillneverimproveupontheplainwhiteandpink。Itislessliabletogetoutoforder，andistheeasiestatalltimestorenew。
Forthefigure，theprofessorrecommendssomethinglitheandsupple。
Fivefootfourisagoodheight，butthatisapointthatshouldbediscussedfirstwiththedressmaker。Fortrains，fivefootsixis，perhaps，preferable。Butforthesportinggirl，whohastowearshortfrocks，thatheightwould，ofcourse，beimpossible。
Thebustandthewaistarealsopointsonwhichthedressmakershouldbeconsulted。Nothingshouldbedoneinahurry。Whatisthefashiongoingtobeforthenexttwoorthreeseasons？Therearestylesdemandingthatbeginningattheneckyoushouldcurveout，likeapouterpigeon。Thereisapparentlynodifficultywhateverinobtainingthisresult。Butifcrinolines，forinstance，arelikelytocomeinagain！Theladyhasonlytoimagineitforherself：theeffectmightbegrotesque，suggestiveofawalkinghour—glass。So，too，withthewaist。Forsomefashionsitisbettertohaveitjustafootfromtheneck。Atothertimesitismoreusefullowerdown。
Theladywillkindlythinkoverthesedetailsandlettheprofessorknow。Whileoneisaboutit，onemayaswellmakeasoundjob。
Itisallsosimple，and，whenyoucometothinkofit，reallynotexpensive。Age，apparently，makesnodifference。Awomanisasoldasshelooks。Infuture，Itakeit，therewillbenoladiesoverfive—and—twenty。Wrinkles！Whyanyladyshouldstillpersistinwearingthemisamysterytome。Withamoderateamountofcareanymiddle—classwomancouldsaveenoughoutofthehousekeepingmoneyinamonthtogetridofeveryoneofthem。Greyhair！Well，ofcourse，ifyouclingtogreyhair，thereisnomoretobesaid。Buttoladieswhowouldjustassoonhaverichwavy—brownoradelicateshadeofgold，Iwouldpointoutthatthereareonehundredandforty—seveninexpensivelotionsonthemarket，anyoneofwhich，rubbedgentlyintotheheadwithatooth—brush（nottoohard）justbeforegoingtobedwill，touseacolloquialism，dothetrick。
Areyoutoostout，orareyoutoothin？Allyouhavetodoistosaywhich，andenclosestamps。Butdonotmakeamistakeandsendforthewrongrecipe。Ifyouarealreadytoothin，youmightinconsequencesuddenlydisappearbeforeyoufoundoutyourmistake。
OneverystoutladyIknewworkedatherselfforeighteenmonthsandgotstoutereveryday。Thisdiscouragedhersomuchthatshegaveuptrying。Nodoubtshehadmadeamuddleandhadsentforthewrongbottle，butshewouldnotlistentofurtheradvice。Shesaidshewastiredofthewholething。
Infutureyearstherewillbenoneedforayoungmantolookabouthimforawife;hewilltakethenearestgirl，tellherhisideal，and，ifshereallycareforhim，shewillgototheshopandhaveherselffixeduptohispattern。IncertainEasterncountries，I
believe，somethingofthiskindisdone。Agentlemandesirousofaddingtohisfamilysendsroundtheneighbourhoodtheweightandsizeofhisfavouritewife，hintingthatifanothercanbefoundofthesameproportions，thereisroomforher。Fatherswalkroundamongtheirdaughters，choosethemostlikelyspecimen，andhaveherfattenedup。ThatistheirbrutalEasternway。OutWestweshallbemoredelicate。Match—makingmotherswillprobablyrevivetheoldconfessionbook。Eligiblebachelorswillbeinvitedtofillinapage：\"Yourfavouriteheightinwomen，\"\"Yourfavouritemeasurementroundthewaist，\"\"Doyoulikebrunettesorblondes？\"
Thechoicewillbelefttothegirls。
\"IdothinkHenryWilliamjusttoosweetforwords，\"themaidenofthefuturewillmurmurtoherself。Gently，coyly，shewilldrawfromhimhisidealofwhatawomanshouldbe。Infromsixmonthstoayearshewillburstuponhim，theperfectShe;height，size，weight，righttoaT。Hewillclaspherinhisarms。
\"Atlast，\"hewillcry，\"Ihavefoundher，thewomanofmydreams。\"
Andifhedoesnotchangehismind，andthebottlesdonotbegintolosetheireffect，therewillbeeverychancethattheywillbehappyeverafterwards。
MightnotSciencegoevenfurther？Whyrestsatisfiedwithmakingaworldofmerelybeautifulwomen？CannotScience，whilesheisaboutit，makethemallgoodatthesametime。Idonotapologiseforthesuggestion。Iusedtothinkallwomenbeautifulandgood。Itistheirownpapersthathavedisillusionedme。Iusedtolookatthisladyoratthat——shyly，whennobodyseemedtobenoticingme——andthinkhowfairshewas，howstately。NowIonlywonderwhoisherchemist。
Theyusedtotellme，whenIwasalittleboy，thatgirlsweremadeofsugarandspice。Iknowbetternow。IhavereadtherecipesintheAnswerstoCorrespondents。
WhenIwasquiteayoungmanIusedtositindarkcornersandlisten，withswellingheart，whilepeopleatthepianotoldmewherelittlegirlbabiesgottheirwonderfuleyesfrom，ofthethingstheydidtotheminheaventhatgavethemdimples。Ahme！IwishnowI
hadnevercomeacrossthoseladies’papers。Iknowthestuffthatcausesthosebewitchingeyes。Iknowtheshopwheretheymakethosedimples;Ihavepasseditandlookedin。Ithoughttheywereproducedbyangels’kisses，buttherewasnotanangelabouttheplace，thatIcouldsee。PerhapsIhavealsobeendeceivedasregardstheirgoodness。Maybeallwomenarenotsoperfectasinthepopularshortstorytheyappeartobe。ThatiswhyIsuggestthatScienceshouldproceedstillfurther，andmakethemallasbeautifulinmindassheisnowabletomaketheminbody。Maywenotlivetoseeintheadvertisementcolumnsoftheladies’paperofthefuturetheportraitofayounggirlsulkinginacorner——\"Beforetakingthelotion！\"Thesamegirldancingamongherlittlebrothersandsisters，sheddingsunlightthroughthehome——\"Afterthethreefirstbottles！\"MaywenothavetheCaudleMixture：Onetablespoonfulatbed—timeguaranteedtomaketheladymurmur，\"Good—night，dear;hopeyou’llsleepwell，\"andatoncetofallasleep，herlipspartedinasmile？MaybesomespecialistofthefuturewilladvertiseMindMassage：\"Warrantedtoremovefromthemostobstinatesubjectalltracesofhatred，envy，andmalice。\"
And，whenSciencehasdoneeverythingpossibleforwomen，theremightbenoharminherturningherattentiontousmen。Herideaatpresentseemstobethatwemenaretoobeautiful，physicallyandmorally，toneedimprovement。Personally，thereareoneortwopointsaboutwhichIshouldliketoconsulther。
WHENISTHEBESTTIMETOBEMERRY？
ThereissomuchIcoulddotoimprovethingsgenerallyinandaboutEurope，ifonlyIhadafreehand。Ishouldnotproposeanygreatfundamentalchanges。Thesepoorpeoplehavegotusedtotheirownways;itwouldbeunwisetoreformthemallatonce。ButtherearemanylittleoddsandendsthatIcoulddoforthem，somanyoftheirmistakesIcouldcorrectforthem。Theydonotknowthis。Iftheyonlyknewtherewasamanlivingintheirmidstwillingtotaketheminhandandarrangethingsforthem，howgladtheywouldbe。Butthestoryisalwaysthesame。Onereadsitintheadvertisementsofthematrimonialcolumn：
\"Alady，young，saidtobegood—looking\"——sheherselfisnotsureonthepoint;shefeelsthatpossiblyshemaybeprejudiced;sheputsbeforeyoumerelythecurrentgossipoftheneighbourhood;peoplesaysheisbeautiful;theymayberight，theymaybewrong：itisnotforhertodecide——\"well—educated，ofaffectionatedisposition，possessedofmeans，desirestomeetgentlemanwithaviewtomatrimony。\"
Immediatelyunderneathonereadsofagentlemanoftwenty—eight，\"tall，fair，consideredagreeable。\"Reallythemodestyofthematrimonialadvertiserteachestousordinarymortalsquiteabeautifullesson。Iknowinstinctivelythatwereanybodytoaskmesuddenly：
\"Doyoucallyourselfanagreeableman？\"Ishouldanswerpromptly：
\"Anagreeableman！OfcourseI’managreeableman。Whatsillyquestionsyoudoask！\"Ifhepersistedinarguingthematter，saying：
\"Buttherearepeoplewhodonotconsideryouanagreeableman。\"I
shouldgetangrywithhim。
\"Oh，theythinkthat，dothey？\"Ishouldsay。\"Well，youtellthemfromme，withmycompliments，thattheyareasetofblitheringidiots。Notagreeable！YoushowmethemanwhosaysI’mnotagreeable。I’llsoonlethimknowwhetherI’magreeableornot。\"
Theseyoungmenseekingawifearesilentonthesubjectoftheirownvirtues。Suchareforotherstodiscover。Thematrimonialadvertiserconfineshimselftoasimplestatementoffact：heisconsideredagreeable。\"
Heisdomesticallyinclined，andinreceiptofagoodincome。Heisdesirousofmeetingaladyofseriousdisposition，withviewtomatrimony。Ifpossessedofmeans——well，itisatriflehardlyworthconsideringonewayortheother。Hedoesnotinsistuponit;ontheotherhandhedoesnotexcludeladiesofmeans;themainideaismatrimony。
Itissadtoreflectuponayounglady，saidtobegood—looking（letussaygood—lookingandbedonewithit：aneighbourhooddoesnotriseupanddeclareagirlgood—lookingifsheisnotgood—looking，thatisonlyhermodestwayofputtingit），letussayayounglady，good—looking，well—educated，ofaffectionatedisposition——itisundeniablysadtoreflectthatsuchanone，matrimoniallyinclined，shouldbecompelledtohaverecoursetothecolumnsofamatrimonialjournal。Whataretheyoungmenintheneighbourhoodthinkingof？
Whatmoredotheywant？IsitVenuscometolifeagainwithtenthousandayearthattheyarewaitingfor！Itmakesmeangrywithmyownsexreadingtheseadvertisements。Andwhenonethinksofthegirlsthatdogetmarried！
Butlifeisamystery。Thefactremains：hereistheidealwifeseekinginvainforahusband。Andhere，immediatelyunderneath——I
willnotsaytheidealhusband，hemayhavefaults;noneofusareperfect，butasmengoadecidedacquisitiontoanydomestichearth，anagreeablegentleman，fondofhomelife，noneofyourgad—abouts——
callsaloudtothefourwindsforawife——anysortofawife，providedshebeofaseriousdisposition。Inhisdespair，hehasgrownindifferenttoallotherconsiderations。\"Isthereinthisworld，\"hehassaidtohimself，\"oneunmarriedwoman，willingtomarryme，anagreeableman，inreceiptofagoodincome。\"Possiblyenoughthistwainhavepassedoneanotherinthestreet，havesatsidebysideinthesametram—car，neverguessing，eachone，thattheotherwastheveryarticleofwhichtheywereinwanttomakelifebeautiful。
Mistressesinsearchofaservant，notsomuchwiththeideaofgettingworkoutofher，ratherwiththeobjectofmakingherhappy，advertiseononepage。Ontheoppositepage，domestictreasures——
disciplesofCarlyle，apparently，withapassionateloveofworkforitsownsake——areseekingsituations，notsomuchwiththedesireofgainaswiththehopeoffindingopeningswheretheymayenjoytheluxuryoffeelingtheyareleadingusefullives。Thesephilanthropicmistresses，thesetoil—lovinghand—maidens，havelivedsidebysideinthesametownforyears，neverknowingoneanother。
SoitiswiththesepoorEuropeanpeoples。Theypassmeinthestreet。TheydonotguessthatIamreadyandwillingtotakethemundermycare，toteachthemcommonsensewithasmatteringofintelligence——tobe，asonemightsay，afathertothem。Theylookatme。ThereisnothingaboutmetotellthemthatIknowwhatisgoodforthembetterthantheydothemselves。Inthefairytalesthewisemanworeaconicalhatandalongrobewithtwiddlythingsallroundtheedge。Youknewhewasacleverman。Itavoidedthenecessityofexplanation。Unfortunately，thefashionhasgoneout。
Wewisemenhavetowearjustordinaryclothes。Nobodyknowswearewisemen。Evenwhenwetellthemso，theydon’tbelieveit。Thisitisthatmakesourtaskthemoredifficult。
OneofthefirstthingsIshouldtakeinhand，wereEuropeanaffairshandedovertomycontrol，wouldbetherearrangementoftheCarnival。Asmattersare，theCarnivaltakesplacealloverEuropeinFebruary。AtNice，inSpain，orinItaly，itmaybeoccasionallypossibletofeelyouwanttodanceaboutthestreetsinthincostumeduringFebruary。ButinmorenortherncountriesduringCarnivaltimeIhaveseenonlyonesensiblemasker;hewasamanwhohadgothimselfupasadiver。ItwasinAntwerp。Therainwaspouringdownintorrents;acheery，boisterousJohnBullsortofaneastwindwasblusteringthroughthestreetsattherateoffifteenmilesanhour。
Pierrots，withfrozenhands，wereblowingbluenoses。AnelderlyCupidhadborrowedanumbrellafromacafeandwaswaitingforatram。Averylittledevilwascryingwiththecold，andwipinghiseyeswiththeendofhisowntail。Everydoorwaywascrowdedwithshiveringmaskers。Thediveralonewalkederect，thewaterstreamingfromhim。
Februaryisnotthemonthforopenairmasquerading。The\"confetti，\"
whichhascometobenothingbutcolouredpapercutintosmalldiscs，isasoddenmass。Whenalumpofitstrikesyouintheeye，yourinstinctisnottolaughgaily，buttofindoutthemanwhothrewitandtohithimback。ThisisnotthetruespiritofCarnival。Themarvelisthat，inspiteofthealmostinvariablyadverseweather，theseCarnivalsstillcontinue。InBelgium，whereRomanismstillremainsthedominantreligion，CarnivalmaintainsitselfstrongerthanelsewhereinNorthernEurope。
Atonesmalltown，Binche，neartheFrenchborder，itholdsuninterruptedswayforthreedaysandtwonights，duringwhichtimethewholeofthepopulation，swelledbyvisitorsfromtwentymilesround，shouts，romps，eatsanddrinksanddances。Afterwhichthevisitorsarepackedlikesardinesintorailwaytrains。Theypintheirticketstotheircoatsandpromptlygotosleep。Ateverystationtherailwayofficialsstumbleupanddownthetrainswithlanterns。Thelastfeebleeffortofthemorewakefulreveller，beforeheaddshimselftotheheapofsnoringhumanityontheflooroftherailwaycarriage，istochangetheticketsofacoupleofhisunconsciouscompanions。Inthiswaygentlemenfortheeastaredraggedoutbythelegsatjunctions，andpackedintotrainsgoingwest;whilesouthernfathersareshotoutinthechilldawnatlonelynorthernstations，tofindthemselvesgreetedwithenthusiasmbyotherpeople’sfamilies。
AtBinche，theysay——Ihavenotcountedthemmyself——thatthirtythousandmaskerscanbeseendancingatthesametime。Whentheyarenotdancingtheyarethrowingorangesatoneanother。Thehousesboarduptheirwindows。Therestaurantstakedowntheirmirrorsandhideawaytheglasses。IfIwentmasqueradingatBincheIshouldgoasamaninarmour，periodHenrytheSeventh。
\"Doesn’tithurt，\"Iaskedaladywhohadbeenthere，\"havingorangesthrownatyou？Whichsortdotheyuse，speakinggenerally，thosefinejuicyones——JavasIthinkyoucallthem——orthelittlehardbrandwithskinslikeanutmeg—grater？Andifbothsortsareusedindiscriminately，whichdoyoupersonallyprefer？\"
\"Thesmartpeople，\"sheanswered，\"theyarethesameeverywhere——theymustbeextravagant——theyusetheJavaorange。IfithitsyouinthebackIprefertheJavaorange。Itismoremessythantheother，butitdoesnotleaveyouwiththatcurioussensationofhavingbeentemporarilystunned。Mostpeople，ofcourse，makeuseofthesmallhardorange。Ifyouduckintime，andsocatchitonthetopofyourhead，itdoesnothurtsomuchasyouwouldthink。If，however，ithitsyouonatenderplace——well，myself，Ialwaysfindthatalittlesalvolatile，witholdcognac——halfandhalf，youunderstand——isaboutthebestthing。Butitonlyhappensonceayear，\"sheadded。
Nearlyeverytowngivesprizesforthebestgroupofmaskers。Insomecasesthefirstprizeamountstoasmuchastwohundredpounds。
Thebutchers，thebakers，thecandlestickmakers，jointogetherandcompete。Theyarriveinwagons，eachgroupwithitsband。Freetradeisencouraged。Eachneighbouringtownandvillage\"dumps\"itsloadofpicturesquemerry—makers。
ItisinthesesmallertownsthatthespiritofKingCarnivalfindshappiestexpression。Almosteverythirdinhabitanttakespartinthefun。InBrusselsandthelargertownsthethingappearsridiculous。
Afewhundredmaskersforcetheirwaywithdifficultythroughthousandsofdull—cladspectators，lookinglikeaSpanishriverinthesummertime，afeeblestream，dribblingthroughacresofmuddybank。AtCharleroi，thecentreoftheBelgianBlackCountry，thechieffeatureoftheCarnivalisthedancingofthechildren。A
spaceisspeciallyropedoffforthem。
Ifbychancethesuniskindenoughtoshine，thesightisaprettyone。Howtheylovethedressingupandtheacting，thesesmallmites！Oneyounghussy——shecouldhardlyhavebeenmorethanten——
wasgottenupasahaughtyyounglady。Maybesomeeldersisterhadservedasamodel。Sheworeatremendouswigofflaxenhair，ahatthatIguaranteewouldhavemadeitsmarkevenatAscotontheCupDay，askirtthattrailedtwoyardsbehindher，apairofwhathadoncebeenwhitekidgloves，andabluesilkparasol。Dignity！I
haveseentheoffendedbarmaid，Ihavemetthechorusgirl——notbyappointment，pleasedon’tmisunderstandme，merelyasaspectator——uptheriveronSunday。ButneverhaveIwitnessedinanyhumanbeingsomuchhauteurtothepoundavoir—dupoisaswascarriedthroughthestreetsofCharleroibythatsmallbrat。Companionsofotherdays，merevulgarboysandgirls，claimedacquaintancewithher。Shepassedthemwithastareofsuchutterdisdainthatitsentthemtumblingoveroneanotherbackwards。Bythetimetheyhadrecoveredthemselvessufficientlytothinkofanoldtinkettlelyinghandyintheguttershehadturnedthecorner。
Twomiserablycladurchins，unabletoscrapetogetherthefewsousnecessaryforthehireofaragortwo，hadneverthelessdeterminednottobealtogetheroutofit。Theyhadmanagedtoborrowacoupleofwhiteblouses——notwhatyouwouldunderstandbyawhiteblouse，dearMadame，adaintythingoffrillsandlaces，butthecoarsewhitesackthestreetsweeperwearsoverhisclothes。Theyhadalsoborrowedacoupleofbrooms。Ridiculouslittleobjectstheylooked，thetinyheadofeachshowingabovethegreatwhiteshroudasgravelytheywalked，theonebehindtheother，sweepingthemudintothegutter。TheyalsowereoftheCarnival，playingatbeingscavengers。
AnotherquaintsightIwitnessed。The\"serpentin\"isafeatureoftheBelgianCarnival。Itisastripofcolouredpaper，somedozenyardslong，perhaps。Youflingitasyouwouldalassoo，entanglingtheheadofsomepasser—by。Naturally，theobjectmostaimedatbytheBelgianyouthistheBelgianmaiden。And，naturallyalso，themaidenwhofindsherselfmostentangledisthemaidenwho——touseagainthelanguageofthematrimonialadvertiser——\"isconsideredgood—looking。\"Theserpentinaboutherheadisthe\"featherinhercap\"oftheBelgianmaidenonCarnivalDay。ComingsuddenlyroundthecornerIalmostranintoagirl。Herbackwastowardsme。Itwasaquietstreet。Shehadhalfadozenoftheseserpentins。
Hurriedly，withtremblinghands，shewastwistingthemroundandroundherownhead。IlookedatherasIpassed。Sheflushedscarlet。Poorlittlesnub—nosedpasty—facedwoman！Iwishshehadnotseenme。Icouldhaveboughtsixpenny—worth，followedher，andtormentedherwiththem;whileshewouldhavepretendedindignation——
sought，discreetly，toescapefromme。
DownSouth，wherethebloodflowsquicker，KingCarnivalis，indeed，ajollyoldsoul。InMunichhereignsforsixweeks，theendcomingwithamadtwodaysrevelinthestreets。Duringthewholeoftheperiod，folksinordinary，every—daycostumeareregardedascuriosities;peoplewonderwhattheyareupto。FromtheGrafintotheDienstmadchen，fromtheHerrProfessortothe\"Piccolo，\"astheytermthesmallartistthatanswerstoourpageboy，thebusinessofMunichisdancing，somewhere，somehow，inafancycostume。Everytheatreclearsawaythestage，everycafecrowdsitschairsandtablesintocorners，theverystreetsareclearedfordancing。
Munichgoesmad。
Munichisalwaysalittlemad。ThemaddestballIeverdancedatwasinMunich。IwenttherewithaHarvardUniversityprofessor。Hehadbeentoldwhattheseballswerelike。Everseekingknowledgeofallthings，hedeterminedtotakethematterupforhimselfandexamineit。Thewriteralsomusteverbelearning。Iagreedtoaccompanyhim。Wehadnotintendedtodance。Ourideawasthatwecouldbeindulgentspectators，regardingfromsomecoignofvantagetheanticsofthefoolishcrowd。Theprofessorwascladasbecameaprofessor。
Myself，Iworeasimply—cutfrock—coat，withtrouseringinFrenchgrey。Thedoorkeeperexplainedtousthatthiswasacostumeball;
hewassorry，butgentlemencouldonlybeadmittedineveningdressorinmasquerade。
Itwashalfpastoneinthemorning。Wehadsatuplateonpurpose;
wehadgonewithoutourdinner;wehadwalkedtwomiles。Theprofessorsuggestedpinningupthetailsofhisclerically—cutcoatandturninginhiswaistcoat。Thedoorkeeperfeareditwouldnotbequitethesamething。Besides，myFrenchgreytrousersrefusedtoadaptthemselves。Thedoorkeeperproposedourhiringacostume——alittlespeculationofhisown;gentlemenfounditsimplersometimes，especiallymarriedgentlemen，tohireacostumeinthismanner，changingbackintosobergarmentsbeforereturninghome。Itreducedthevolumeofnecessaryexplanation。
\"Haveyouanything，mygoodman，\"saidtheprofessor，\"anythingthatwouldeffectacompletedisguise？\"
Thedoorkeeperhadtheverything——aChinesearrangement，withcombinedmaskandwig。Itfittedneatlyoverthehead，andwasprovidedwithasimplebutingeniouspieceofmechanismbymeansofwhichmuchcouldbedonewiththepigtail。MyselfthedoorkeeperhidfromviewunderthecowlofaCarmelitemonk。
\"Idohopenobodyrecognisesus，\"whisperedmyfriendtheprofessorasweentered。
Icanonlyhopesincerelythattheydidnot。Idonotwishtotalkaboutmyself。Thatwouldbeegotism。Butthemysteryoftheprofessortroublesmetothisday。Agrave，earnestgentleman，thefatherofafamily，Isawhimwithmyowneyesputthatridiculouspasteboardmaskoverhishead。Lateron——agooddeallateron——I
foundmyselfwalkingagainwithhimthroughsilentstar—litstreets。
Wherehehadbeenintheinterval，andwhothenwasthestrangecreatureundertheChinaman’smask，willalwaysremaintomeanunsolvedproblem。
DOWELIEA—BEDTOOLATE？
ItwasinParis，manyyearsago，thatIfellbychanceintothishabitofearlyrising。Mynight——byreasonsthatIneednotenterinto——hadbeenatroubledone。Tiredofthehotbedthatgavenosleep，Iroseanddressedmyself，creptdownthecreakingstairs，experiencingthesensationsofaburglarnewtohisprofession，unboltedthegreatdoorofthehotel，andpassedoutintoanunknown，silentcity，bathedinamysterioussoftlight。Sincethen，thisstrangesweetcityofthedawnhasneverceasedtocalltome。ItmaybeinLondon，inParisagain，inBrussels，Berlin，Vienna，thatI
havegonetosleep，butifperchanceIwakebeforethereturningtideofhumanlifehasdimmeditsglorieswiththemistsandvapoursofthenoisyday，Iknowthatbeyondmywindowblindthefairycity，asIsawitfirstsomanyyearsago——thiscitythatknowsnotears，nosorrow，throughwhichtherecreepsnoevilthing;thiscityofquietvistas，fadingintohope;thiscityoffar—offvoiceswhisperingpeace;thiscityofthedawnthatstillisyoung——invitesmetotalkwithitawhilebeforethewakinghoursdriveitbeforethem，andwithasighitpasseswhenceitcame。
Itisthegreatcity’sonehourofpurity，ofdignity。Theveryrag—
picker，gropingwithherfilthyhandsamongtheashes，insteadofanobjectofcontempt，movesfromdoortodooranaccusingFigure，herthinsoiledgarments，herbentbody，herscarredface，hideouswiththewoundsofpoverty，aneloquentindictmentofsmugInjustice，sleepingbehinditsdeafshutters。Yetevenintoherdimbrainhassunkthepeacethatfillsforthisbriefhourthecity。This，too，shallhaveitsend，mysister！Menandwomenwerenotborntoliveonthehusksthatfillthepailsoutsidetherichman’sdoor。
Couragealittlewhilelonger，youandyours。Yourrheumyeyesoncewerebright，yourthinlocksoncesoftandwavy，yourpoorbentbackoncestraight;andmaybe，astheytellyouintheirgildedchurches，thisbulgingsackshallbeliftedfromyourwearyshoulders，yourmisshapenlimbsbestraightagain。Youpassnotaltogetherunheededthroughtheseemptystreets。Notalltheeyesoftheuniversearesleeping。
Thelittleseamstress，hurryingtoherearlywork！Alittlelatershewillbeoneofthefoolishcrowd，joininginthefoolishlaughter，inthecoarsejestsofthework—room：butasyetthehotdayhasnotclaimedher。Thework—roomisfarbeyond，thehomeofmeancaresandsordidstrugglesfarbehind。Toher，also，inthismomentarethesweetthoughtsofwomanhood。Sheputsdownherbag，restsherselfuponaseat。Ifallthedayweredawn，thiscityofthemorningalwayswithus！Aneighbouringclockchimesforththehour。Shestartsupfromherdreamandhurrieson——tothenoisywork—room。
Apairofloverscrossthepark，holdingeachother’shands。Theywillreturnlaterintheday，buttherewillbeanotherexpressionintheireyes，anothermeaninginthepressureoftheirhands。Nowthepurityofthemorningiswiththem。
Somefat，middle—agedclerkcomespuffingintoview：hisridiculouslittlefigureverypodgy。Hestopstotakeoffhishatandmophisbaldheadwithhishandkerchief：eventohimthemorninglendsromance。Hisfleshyfacechangesalmostasonelooksathim。Oneseesagaintheladwithhisvaguehopes，hisabsurdambitions。
ThereisastatueofAphroditeinoneofthesmallerParisparks。
Twiceinthesameweek，withoutparticularlymeaningit，Ifoundmyselfearlyinthemorningstandinginfrontofthisstatuegazinglistlesslyatit，asonedoeswhenindreamymood;andonbothoccasions，turningtogo，Iencounteredthesameman，alsogazingatitwith，apparently，listlesseyes。Hewasanuninterestinglookingman——possiblyhethoughtthesameofme。Fromhisdresshemighthavebeenawell—to—dotradesman，aminorGovernmentofficial，doctor，orlawyer。QuitetenyearslaterIpaidmythirdvisittothesamestatueataboutthesamehour。Thistimehewastherebeforeme。Iwashiddenfromhimbysomebushes。Heglancedroundbutdidnotseeme;andthenhedidacuriousthing。Placinghishandsonthetopofthepedestal，whichmayhavebeensomesevenfeetinheight，hedrewhimselfup，andkissedverygently，almostreverentially，thefootofthestatue，begrimedthoughitwaswiththecity’sdirt。Hadhebeensomelong—hairedstudentoftheLatinQuarteronewouldnothavebeensoastonished。Buthewassuchaverycommonplace，quiterespectablelookingman。Afterwardshedrewapipefromhispocket，carefullyfilledandlightedit，tookhisumbrellafromtheseatwhereithadbeenlying，andwalkedaway。
Haditbeentheirmeeting—placelongago？Hadhebeenwonttotellher，gazingatherwithlover’seyes，howlikeshewastothestatue？
TheFrenchsculptorhasnottoconsiderMrs。Grundy。Maybe，thelady，raisinghereyes，hadbeenconfused;perhapsforamomentangry——somelittlemillinerorgoverness，onesupposes。InFrancethejeunefilleofgoodfamilydoesnotmeetherloverunattended。
Whathadhappened？Orwasitbutthevagrantfancyofamiddle—agedbourgeoisseekinginimaginationtheromancethatrealitysorarelygivesus，weavinghislovedreamroundhischangelessstatue？
InoneofIbsen’sbittercomediestheloversagreetopartwhiletheyarestillyoung，nevertoseeeachotherinthefleshagain。Intothefutureeachwillbearawaytheimageoftheother，godlike，radiantwiththegloryofyouthandlove;eachwillcherishthememoryofalovedonewhoshallbebeautifulalways。Thattheirpartingmaynotappearsuchwildnonsenseasatfirstitstrikesus，Ibsenshowsusotherloverswhohavemarriedintheorthodoxfashion。
Shewasallthatamistressshouldbe。Theyspeakofherastheyfirstknewherfifteenyearsago，wheneverymanwasatherfeet。Hethenwasayoungstudent，burningwithfineideals，withenthusiasmforallthehumanities。
Theyenter。
Whatdidyouexpect？Fifteenyearshavepassed——fifteenyearsofstrugglewiththegrimrealities。Heisfatandbald。Elevenchildrenhavetobeprovidedfor。Highidealswillnotevenpaythebootmaker。Toexistyouhavetofightformeanendswithmeanweapons。Andthesweetgirlheroine！Nowtheworriedmotherofelevenbrats！OneringsdownthecurtainamidSataniclaughter。
Thatiswhy，foronereasonamongsomany，Ilovethismysticmorninglight。Ithasastrangepowerofrevealingthebeautythatishiddenfromusbythecoarserbeamsofthefullday。Thesewornmenandwomen，grownsofoolishlooking，sounromantic;theseartisansandpettyclerksploddingtotheirmonotonousday’swork;thesedull—eyedwomenofthepeopleontheirwaytomarkettohaggleoversous，toargueandcontendoverpaltryhandfulsoffood。Inthismagicmorninglightthedisguisingbodybecomestransparent。Theyhavegrownbeautiful，notugly，withtheyearsoftoilandhardship;theselives，livedsopatiently，areconsecratedtotheserviceoftheworld。Joy，hope，pleasure——theyhavedonewithallsuch，lifeforthemisover。Yettheylabour，ceaselessly，uncomplainingly。Itisforthechildren。
Onemorning，nearBrussels，Iencounteredacartoffaggots，drawnbyahoundsoleanthatstrokinghimmighthavehurtadaintyhand。I
wasshocked——angry，tillInoticedhisfellowbeastofburdenpushingthecartfrombehind。Suchascarecrowofanoldwoman！Therewaslittletochoosebetweenthem。Iwalkedwiththemalittleway。ShelivednearWaterloo。Alldayshegatheredwoodinthegreatforest，andstartingatthreeo’clockeachmorning，thetwoleancreaturesbetweenthemdraggedthecartninemilestoBrussels，returningwhentheyhadsoldtheirload。Withluckshemightreckononacoupleoffrancs。Iaskedherifshecouldnotfindsomethingelsetodo。
Yes，itwaspossible，butforthelittleone，hergrandchild。Folkswillnotemployoldwomenburdenedwithgrandchildren。
Youfair，daintyladies，whowouldneverknowitwasmorningifsomebodydidnotentertopulluptheblindandtellyouso！Youdowellnottoventureoutinthismagicmorninglight。Youwouldlooksoplain——almostugly，bythesideofthesebeautifulwomen。
ItiscurioustheattractiontheChurchhasalwayspossessedforthemarketingclasses。ChristdrovethemfromtheTemple，butstill，ineverycontinentalcity，theyclusterrounditsouterwalls。Itmakesacharmingpictureonasunnymorning，thegreatcathedralwithitsmassiveshadowformingthebackground;splashedaboutitsfeet，likeaparterreofgayflowersaroundthetrunkofsomeoldtree，thewomen，younggirlsintheirmanycolouredcostumes，sittingbeforetheirpiled—upbasketsofgreenvegetables，ofshiningfruits。
InBrusselsthechiefmarketisheldontheGrandePlace。Thegreatgildedhouseshavelookeddownuponmuchthesamesceneeverymorningthesefourhundredyears。Insummertimeitcommencesabouthalf—
pastfour;byfiveo’clockitisaroaringhive，thegreatcityroundaboutstillsleeping。