Herecomesthethriftyhousewifeofthepoor，towhomthedifferenceofatenthofapennyinthepriceofacabbageisall—important，andthemuchharassedkeeperofthepettypension。TherearehousesinBrusselswheretheywillfeedyou，lightyou，sleepyou，waitonyou，fortwofrancsaday。Witheredoldladies，ancientgovernesses，whowillteachyouforfortycentimesanhour，gatherroundtheserickettytables，wolfupthethinsoup，grumbleatthewaterycoffee，helpthemselveswithunladylikegreedinesstothepotatopie。Itmustneedcarefulhousewiferytokeepthesepoorcreaturesontwofrancsadayandmakeaprofitforyourself。So\"Madame，\"themuch—
grumbled—at，whohasgonetobedabouttwelve，risesalittlebeforefive，makesherwaydownwithherbasket。Thusafewsousmaybesavedupontheday’seconomies。
Sometimesitisamerechildwhoisthelittlehousekeeper。Onethinksthatperhapsthisearlytrainingintheartofhagglingmaynotbegoodforher。Alreadythereisahardexpressioninthechildisheyes，meanlinesaboutthelittlemouth。Thefinerqualitiesofhumanityareexpensiveluxuries，nottobeaffordedbythepoor。
Theyoverworktheirpatientdogs，andunderfeedthem。Duringthetwohours’marketthepoorbeasts，stillfastenedtotheirlittle\"chariots，\"restintheopenspaceabouttheneighbouringBourse。
Theysnatchatwhatyouthrowthem;theydonoteventhankyouwithawagofthetail。Gratitude！Politeness！Whatmeanyou？Wehavenotheardofsuch。Weonlywork。Someofthemamidallthedinliesleepingbetweentheirshafts。Somearelickingoneanother’ssores。
Onewouldtheywerebettertreated;alas！theirowners，likewise，areoverworkedandunderfed，housedinkennelsnobetter。Butifthemajorityineverysocietywerenotoverworkedandunderfedandmeanlyhoused，why，thentheminoritycouldnotbeunderworkedandoverfedandhousedluxuriously。Butthisistalktowhichnorespectablereadercanbeexpectedtolisten。
Theyareonebabelofbargaining，thesemarkets。Thepurchaserselectsacauliflower。Fortunately，cauliflowershavenofeelings，orprobablyitwouldburstintotearsattheexpressionwithwhichitisregarded。Itisimpossiblethatanyladyshoulddesiresuchacauliflower。Still，outofmerecuriosity，shewouldknowtheprice—
—thatis，iftheownerofthecauliflowerisnottoomuchashamedofittonameaprice。
Theownerofthecauliflowersuggestssixsous。Thethingistooridiculousforargument。Thepurchaserbreaksintoalaugh。
Theownerofthecauliflowerisstung。Shepointsoutthebeautiesofthatcauliflower。Apparentlyitisthecaulifloweroutofallherstockshelovesthebest;abettercauliflowerneverlived;ifthereweremorecauliflowersintheworldlikethisparticularcauliflowerthingsmightbedifferent。Shegivesasketchofthecauliflower’scareer，fromitsyouthupwards。Hardenoughitwillbeforherwhenthehourforpartingfromitcomes。Iftheotherladyhasnotsufficientknowledgeofcauliflowerstoappreciateit，willshekindlynotpawitabout，butputitdownandgoaway，andneverlettheownerofthecauliflowerseeheragain。
Theotherlady，moreasafriendthanasapurchaser，pointsoutthecauliflower’sdefects。Shewisheswelltotheownerofthecauliflower，andwouldliketoteachhersomethingaboutherbusiness。Aladywhothinkssuchacauliflowerworthsixsouscanneverhopetosucceedasacauliflowervendor。Hasshereallytakenthetroubletoexaminethecauliflowerforherself，orhaslovemadeherblindtoitsshortcomings？
Theownerofthecaulifloweristooindignanttoreply。Shesnatchesitaway，appearstobecomfortingit，replacesitinthebasket。Theotherladyisgrievedathumanobstinacyandstupidityingeneral。
Iftheownerofthecauliflowerhadhadanysenseshewouldhaveaskedfoursous。Eventuallybusinessisdoneatfive。
Itisthecustomeverywhereabroad——askingthepriceofathingissimplyopeningconversation。Aladytoldmethat，thefirstdayshebeganhousekeepinginFlorence，shehandedovertoapoultererforachickenthepricehehaddemanded——withprotestationsthathewaslosingonthetransaction，butwanted，forfamilyreasons，apparently，togetridofthechicken。Hestoodforhalfaminutestaringather，andthen，beinganhonestsortofman，threwinapigeon。
ForeignhousekeepersstartingbusinessinLondonappearhurtwhenourtradesmendeclinetoaccepthalf—a—crownforarticlesmarkedthree—
and—six。
\"Thenwhymarkitonlythree—and—sixpence？\"istheforeignhousekeeper’sargument。
SHOULDMARRIEDMENPLAYGOLF？
ThatweEnglishmenattachtoomuchimportancetosportgoeswithoutsaying——or，rather，ithasbeensaidsooftenastohavebecomeacommonplace。OneofthesedayssomereformingEnglishnovelistwillwriteabook，showingtheevileffectsofover—indulgenceinsport：
theneglectedbusiness，theruinedhome，theslowbutsuresappingofthebrain——whattheremayhavebeenofitinthebeginning——leadingtosemi—imbecilityandyearlyincreasingobesity。
Ayoungcouple，Ionceheardof，wentfortheirhoneymoontoScotland。Thepoorgirldidnotknowhewasagolfer（hehadwooedandwonherduringaperiodofidlenessenforcedbyasprainedshoulder），ormaybeshewouldhaveavoidedScotland。Theideatheystartedwithwasthatofatour。Theseconddaythemanwentoutforastrollbyhimself。Atdinner—timeheobserved，withafar—awaylookinhiseyes，thatitseemedaprettyspottheyhadstruck，andsuggestedtheirstayingthereanotherday。Thenextmorningafterbreakfastheborrowedaclubfromthehotelporter，andremarkedthathewouldtakeawalkwhileshefinisheddoingherhair。Hesaiditamusedhim，swingingaclubwhilehewalked。Hereturnedintimeforlunchandseemedmoodyalltheafternoon。Hesaidtheairsuitedhim，andurgedthattheyshouldlingeryetanotherday。
Shewasyoungandinexperienced，andthought，maybe，itwasliver。
Shehadheardmuchaboutliverfromherfather。Thenextmorningheborrowedmoreclubs，andwentout，thistimebeforebreakfast，returningtoalateandnotoversociabledinner。Thatwastheendoftheirhoneymoonsofarasshewasconcerned。Hemeantwell，butthethinghadgonetoofar。Thevicehadenteredintohisblood，andthesmellofthelinksdroveoutallotherconsiderations。
Wearemostofusfamiliar，Itakeit，withthestoryofthegolfingparson，whocouldnotkeepfromswearingwhentheballswentwrong。
\"Golfandtheministrydon’tseemtogotogether，\"hisfriendtoldhim。\"Takemyadvicebeforeit’stoolate，andgiveitup，Tammas。\"
AfewmonthslaterTammasmethisfriendagain。
\"Youwereright，Jamie，\"criedtheparsoncheerily，\"theydidnarunwellinharness;golfandthemeenistry，Ihaefollowedyouradvice：
Ihaegi’enitoop。\"
\"Thenwhatareyedoingwiththatsackofclubs？\"inquiredJamie。
\"WhatamIdoingwiththem？\"repeatedthepuzzledTammas。\"WhyIamgoingtoplaygolfwiththem。\"Alightbrokeuponhim。\"GreatHeavens，man！\"hecontinued，\"yedidna’think’twasthegolfI’dgi’enoop？\"
TheEnglishmandoesnotunderstandplay。Hemakesalife—longlabourofhissport，andtoitsacrificesmindandbody。ThehealthresortsofEurope——toparaphraseafamoussayingthatnobodyappearstohavesaid——drawhalftheirprofitsfromtheplayingfieldsofEtonandelsewhere。InSwissandGermankurhausenenormouslyfatmenbeardownuponyouandexplaintoyouthatoncetheywerethechampionsprintersorthehigh—jumprepresentativesoftheiruniversity——menwhonowholdontothebannistersandgroanastheyhaulthemselvesupstairs。Consumptivemen，betweenparoxysmsofcoughing，tellyouofthegoalstheyscoredwhentheywerehalf—backsorforwardsofextraordinaryability。Ex—light—weightamateurpugilists，withthefigurenowofanAmericanroll—topdesk，buttyouintoacornerofthebilliard—room，and，surprisedtheycannotgetasnearyouastheywoulddesire，whispertoyouthesecretofavoidingtheundercutbytheswiftnessofthebackwardleap。Broken—downtennisplayers，one—
leggedskaters，dropsicalgentlemen—riders，aretobemetwithhobblingoncrutchesalongeveryhighwayoftheEngadine。
Theyarepitiableobjects。Neverhavinglearnttoreadanythingbutthesportingpapers，booksareofnousetothem。Theyneverwastedmuchoftheiryouthonthought，and，apparently，havelosttheknackofit。Theydon’tcareforart，andNatureonlysuggeststothemthethingstheycannolongerdo。Thesnow—cladmountainremindsthemthatoncetheyweredaringtobogannists;theundulatingcommonmakesthemsadbecausetheycannolongerhandleagolf—club;bytheriversidetheysitdownandtellyouofthesalmontheycaughtbeforetheycaughtrheumaticfever;birdsonlymakethemlongforguns;
musicraisesvisionsofthelocalcricket—matchoflongago，enlivenedbythelocalband;apicturesqueestaminet，withlittletablesspreadoutunderthevines，recallsbittermemoriesofping—
pong。Oneissorryforthem，buttheirconversationisnotexhilarating。Themanwhohasotherinterestsinlifebeyondsportisapttofindtheirreminiscencesmonotonous;whiletooneanothertheydonotcaretotalk。Onegathersthattheydonotaltogetherbelieveoneanother。
Theforeigneristakingkindlytooursports;onehopeshewillbeforewarnedbyourexampleandnotoverdothething。Atpresent，oneisboundtoadmit，heshowsnosignoftakingsporttooseriously。
FootballisgainingfavourmoreandmorethroughoutEurope。ButyettheFrenchmanhasnotgotitoutofhisheadthatthecouptopractiseiskickingtheballhighintotheairandcatchingituponhishead。Hewouldrathercatchtheballuponhisheadthanscoreagoal。Ifhecanmanoeuvretheballawayintoacorner，kickitupintotheairtwicerunning，andeachtimecatchitonhishead，hedoesnotseemtocarewhathappensafterthat。Anybodycanhavetheball;hehashadhisgameandishappy。
TheytalkofintroducingcricketintoBelgium;Ishallcertainlytrytobepresentattheopeninggame。Iamafraidthat，untilhelearnsfromexperience，theBelgianfielderwillstopcricketballswithhishead。Thattheheadistheproperthingwithwhichtoplayballappearstobeinhisblood。Myheadisround，heargues，andhard，justliketheballitself;whatpartofthehumanframemorefitandproperwithwhichtomeetandstopaball。
Golfhasnotyetcaughton，buttennisisfirmlyestablishedfromSt。
PetersburgtoBordeaux。TheGerman，withthethoroughnesscharacteristicofhim，isworkinghard。Universityprofessors，stoutmajors，risingearlyinthemorning，hireboysandpractiseback—
handersandhalf—volleys。ButtotheFrenchman，asyet，itisagame。Heplaysitinahappy，merryfashion，thatisshockingtoEnglisheyes。
Yourpartner’sserviceratherastonishesyou。Anoccasionalyardorsobeyondthelinehappenstoanyone，butthisman’sobjectappearstobetobreakwindows。Youfeelyoureallymustremonstrate，whenthejoyouslaughterandtumultuousapplauseofthespectatorsexplainthepuzzletoyou。Hehasnotbeentryingtoserve;hehasbeentryingtohitamaninthenextcourtwhoisstoopingdowntotieuphisshoe—lace。Withhislastballhehassucceeded。Hehashitthemaninthesmalloftheback，andhasbowledhimover。Theunanimousopinionofthesurroundingcriticsisthattheballcouldnotpossiblyhavebeenbetterplaced。ADohertyhasneverwongreaterapplausefromthecrowd。Eventhemanwhohasbeenhitappearspleased;itshowswhataFrenchmancandowhenhedoestakeupagame。
ButFrenchhonourdemandsrevenge。Heforgetshisshoe，heforgetshisgame。Hegatherstogetheralltheballsthathecanfind;hisballs，yourballs，anybody’sballsthathappentobehandy。Andthencommencesthereturnmatch。Atthispointitisbesttocrouchdownundershelterofthenet。Mostoftheplayersroundaboutadoptthisplan;themoretimidmakefortheclub—house，and，findingthemselvesthere，ordercoffeeandlightupcigarettes。Afterawhilebothplayersappeartobesatisfied。Theotherplayersthengatherroundtoclaimtheirballs。Thismakesagoodgamebyitself。Theobjectistogetasmanyballsasyoucan，yourownandotherpeople’s——forpreferenceotherpeople’s——andrunoffwiththemroundthecourts，followedbywhoopingclaimants。
Inthecourseofhalf—an—hourorso，wheneverybodyisdeadbeat，thegame——theoriginalgame——isresumed。Youdemandthescore;yourpartnerpromptlysaysitis\"forty—fifteen。\"Bothyouropponentsrushuptothenet，andapparentlythereisgoingtobeaduel。Itisonlyafriendlyaltercation;theyverymuchdoubtitsbeing\"forty—fifteen。\"\"Fifteen—forty\"theycouldbelieve;theysuggestitasacompromise。Thediscussionisconcludedbycallingitdeuce。
Asitisrareforagametoproceedwithoutsomesuchincidentoccurringinthemiddleofit，thescoregenerallyisdeuce。Thisavoidsheart—burning;nobodywinsasetandnobodyloses。Theonegamegenerallysufficesfortheafternoon。
Totheearnestplayer，itisalsoconfusingtomissyourpartneroccasionally——toturnroundandfindthatheistalkingtoaman。
Nobodybutyourselftakestheslightestobjectiontohisabsence。
Theothersideappeartoregarditasagoodopportunitytoscore。
Fiveminuteslaterheresumesthegame。Hisfriendcomeswithhim，alsothedogofhisfriend。Thedogiswelcomedwithenthusiasm;allballsarereturnedtothedog。Untilthedogistiredyoudonotgetalookin。Butallthiswillnodoubtsoonbechanged。TherearesomeexcellentFrenchandBelgianplayers;fromthemtheircompatriotswillgraduallylearnhigherideals。TheFrenchmanisyounginthegame。Astherightconceptionofthegamegrowsuponhim，hewillalsolearntokeeptheballslower。
Isupposeitisthecontinentalsky。Itissoblue，sobeautiful;itnaturallyattractsone。Anyhow，thefactremainsthatmosttennisplayersontheContinent，whetherEnglishorforeign，haveatendencytoaimtheballdirectatHeaven。AtanEnglishclubinSwitzerlandthereexistedinmydaysayoungEnglishmanwhowasreallyawonderfulplayer。Togettheballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Itwashisreturnthatwasweak。Heonlyhadonestroke;theballwentahundredfeetorsointotheairanddescendedinhisopponent’scourt。Theothermanwouldstandwatchingit，alittlespeckintheHeavens，growinggraduallybiggerandbiggerasitnearedtheearth。Newcomerswouldchattertohim，thinkinghehaddetectedaballoonoraneagle。Hewouldwavethemaside，explaintothemthathewouldtalktothemlater，afterthearrivaloftheball。
Itwouldfallwithathudathisfeet，riseanothertwentyyardsorsoandagaindescend。Whenitwasattheproperheighthewouldhititbackoverthenet，andthenextmomentitwouldbemountingtheskyagain。AttournamentsIhaveseenthatyoungman，withtearsinhiseyes，pleadingtobegivenanumpire。Everyumpirehadfled。
Theyhidbehindtrees，borrowedsilkhatsandumbrellasandpretendedtheywerevisitors——anydevice，howevermean，toavoidthetaskofumpiringforthatyoungman。Providedhisopponentdidnotgotosleeporgetcramp，onegamemightlastallday。Anyonecouldreturnhisballs;but，asIhavesaid，togetaballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Heinvariablywon;theotherman，afteranhourorso，wouldgetmadandtrytolose。Itwashisonlychanceofdinner。
Itisaprettysight，generallyspeaking，atennisgroundabroad。
Thewomenpaymoreattentiontotheircostumesthandoourladyplayers。Themenareusuallyinspotlesswhite。Thegroundisoftencharminglysituated，theclub—housepicturesque;thereisalwayslaughterandmerriment。Theplaymaynotbesogoodtowatch，butthepictureisdelightful。IaccompaniedamanalittlewhileagotohisclubontheoutskirtsofBrussels。Thegroundwasborderedbyawoodononeside，andsurroundedontheotherthreebypetitesfermes——allotments，asweshouldcalltheminEngland，workedbythepeasantsthemselves。
Itwasagloriousspringafternoon。Thecourtswerecrowded。Theredearthandthegreengrassformedabackgroundagainstwhichthewomen，intheirnewParisiantoilets，undertheirbrightparasols，stoodoutlikewondrousbouquetsofmovingflowers。Thewholeatmospherewasadelightfulminglingofidlegaiety，flirtation，andgracefulsensuousness。AmodernWatteauwouldhaveseizeduponthescenewithavidity。
Justbeyond——separatedbythealmostinvisiblewirefencing——agroupofpeasantswereworkinginthefield。Anoldwomanandayounggirl，withropesabouttheirshoulders，weredrawingaharrow，guidedbyawitheredoldscarecrowofaman。Theypausedforamomentatthewirefencing，andlookedthrough。Itwasanoddcontrast;thetwoworldsdividedbythatwirefencing——soslight，almostinvisible。
Thegirlsweptthesweatfromherfacewithherhand;thewomanpushedbackhergreylocksunderneaththehandkerchiefknottedaboutherhead;theoldmanstraightenedhimselfwithsomedifficulty。Sotheystood，forperhapsaminute，gazingwithquiet，passionlessfacesthroughthatslightfencing，thatapushfromtheirwork—
hardenedhandsmighthavelevelled。
Wasthereanythought，Iwonder，passingthroughtheirbrains？Theyounggirl——shewasahandsomecreatureinspiteofherdisfiguringgarments。Thewoman——itwasawonderfullyfineface：clear，calmeyes，deep—setunderasquarebroadbrow。Thewitheredoldscarecrow——eversowingtheseedinthespringofthefruitthatothersshalleat。
Theoldmanbentagainovertheguidingropes：gavetheword。Theteammovedforwardupthehill。ItisAnatoleFrance，Ithink，whosays：Societyisbaseduponthepatienceofthepoor。
AREEARLYMARRIAGESAMISTAKE？
IamcharynowadaysofofferingcounselinconnectionwithsubjectsconcerningwhichIamnotandcannotbeanauthority。LongagoI
oncetookuponmyselftowriteapaperaboutbabies。Itdidnotaimtobeatextbookonthesubject。Itdidnotevenclaimtoexhaustthetopic。Iwaswillingthatothers，comingafterme，shouldcontinuetheargument——thatisif，uponreflection，theywerestillofopiniontherewasanythingmoretobesaid。Iwaspleasedwiththearticle。Iwentoutofmywaytoobtainanearlycopyofthemagazineinwhichitappeared，onpurposetoshowittoaladyfriendofmine。Shewasthepossessorofoneortwobabiesofherown，specimensinnowayremarkable，thoughsheherself，aswasnaturalenough，didherbesttoboomthem。Ithoughtitmightbehelpfultoher：theviewsandobservations，notofarivalfancier，whowouldbeprejudiced，butofanintelligentamateur。Iputthemagazineintoherhands，openedattheproperplace。
\"Readitthroughcarefullyandquietly，\"Isaid;\"don’tletanythingdistractyou。Haveapencilandabitofpaperreadyatyourside，andnotedownanypointsuponwhichyouwouldlikefurtherinformation。IfthereisanythingyouthinkIhavemissedoutletmeknow。Itmaybethathereandthereyouwillbedisagreeingwithme。
Ifso，donothesitatetomentionit，Ishallnotbeangry。IfademandarisesIshallverylikelyissueanenlargedandimprovededitionofthispaperintheformofapamphlet，inwhichcasehintsandsuggestionsthattoyoumayappearalmostimpertinentwillbeofdistincthelptome。\"
\"Ihaven’tgotapencil，\"shesaid;\"what’sitallabout？\"
\"It’saboutbabies，\"Iexplained，andIlentherapencil。
ThatisanotherthingIhavelearnt。Neverlendapenciltoawomanifyoueverwanttoseeitagain。Shehasthreeanswerstoyourrequestforitsreturn。Thefirst，thatshegaveitbacktoyouandthatyouputitinyourpocket，andthatit’stherenow，andthatifitisn’titoughttobe。Thesecond，thatyouneverlentittoher。
Thethird，thatshewishespeoplewouldnotlendherpencilsandthenclamourforthemback，justwhenshehassomethingelsefarmoreimportanttothinkabout。
\"Whatdoyouknowaboutbabies？\"shedemanded。
\"Ifyouwillreadthepaper，\"Ireplied，\"youwillseeforyourself。
It’sallthere。\"
Sheflickedoverthepagescontemptuously。
\"Theredoesn’tseemmuchofit？\"sheretorted。
\"Itiscondensed，\"Ipointedouttoher。
\"Iamgladitisshort。Allright，I’llreadit，\"sheagreed。
Ithoughtmypresencemightdisturbher，sowentoutintothegarden。
Iwantedhertogetthefullbenefitofit。Icreptbacknowandagaintopeepthroughtheopenwindow。Shedidnotseemtobemakingmanynotes。ButIheardhermakinglittlenoisestoherself。WhenI
sawshehadreachedthelastpage，Ire—enteredtheroom。
\"Well？\"Isaid。
\"Isitmeanttobefunny，\"shedemanded，\"orisitintendedtobetakenseriously？\"
\"Theremaybeflashesofhumourhereandthere——\"
Shedidnotwaitformetofinish。
\"Becauseifit’smeanttobefunny，\"shesaid，\"Idon’tthinkitisatallfunny。Andifitisintendedtobeserious，there’sonethingveryclear，andthatisthatyouarenotamother。\"
Withtheunerringinstinctoftheborncriticshehaddivinedmyoneweakpoint。OtherobjectionsraisedagainstmeIcouldhavemet。
Butthatonestingingreproachwasunanswerable。Ithasmademe，asIhaveexplained，charyoftenderingadviceonmattersoutsidemyowndepartmentoflife。Otherwise，everyyear，aboutValentine’sday，thereismuchthatIshouldliketosaytomygoodfriendsthebirds。
Iwanttoputittothemseriously。IsnotthemonthofFebruaryjustalittletooearly？Ofcourse，theiranswerwouldbethesameasinthecaseofmymotherlyfriend。
\"Oh，whatdoyouknowaboutit？youarenotabird。\"
IknowIamnotabird，butthatistheveryreasonwhytheyshouldlistentome。Ibringafreshmindtobearuponthesubject。Iamnottieddownbybirdconvention。February，mydearfriends——inthesenorthernclimesofoursatallevents——ismuchtooearly。Youhavetobuildinahighwind，andnothing，believeme，triesalady’stempermorethanbeingblownabout。Natureisnature，andwomenfolk，mydearsirs，arethesamealltheworldover，whethertheybebirdsorwhethertheybehuman。Iamanolderpersonthanmostofyou，andIspeakwiththeweightofexperience。
IfIweregoingtobuildahousewithmywife，Ishouldnotchooseaseasonoftheyearwhenthebricksandplanksandthingswereliabletobetornoutofherhand，herskirtsblownoverherhead，andsheleftclingingfordearlifetoascaffoldingpole。Iknowthefemininebipedand，youtakeitfromme，thatisnothernotionofahoneymoon。InAprilorMay，thesunshining，theairbalmy——when，aftercarryinguptoheraloadortwoofbricks，andahodortwoofmortar，wecouldknockoffworkforafewminuteswithoutfearofthewholehousebeingsweptawayintothenextstreet——couldsitsidebysideonthetopofawall，ourlegsdanglingdown，andpeckandmorseltogether;afterwhichIcouldwhistleabittoher——thenhousebuildingmightbeapleasure。
Theswallowsarewisest;Juneistheiridea，andaverygoodidea，too。InamountainvillageintheTyrol，earlyonesummer，Ihadtheopportunityofwatchingverycloselythebuildingofaswallow’snest。Aftercoffee，thefirstmorning，Isteppedoutfromthegreat，cool，darkpassageofthewirtschaftintotheblazingsunlight，and，fornoparticularreason，pulled—tothemassivedoorbehindme。
Whilefillingmypipe，aswallowalmostbrushedbyme，thenwheeledroundagain，andtookupapositiononthefenceonlyafewyardsfromme。Hewascarryingwhattohimwasanexceptionallylargeandheavybrick。Heputitdownbesidehimonthefence，andcalledoutsomethingwhichIcouldnotunderstand。Ididnotmove。Hegotquiteexcitedandsaidsomemore。Itwasundoubtablehewasaddressingme——nobodyelsewasby。Ijudgedfromhistonethathewasgettingcrosswithme。Atthispointmytravellingcompanion，histoiletunfinished，puthisheadoutofthewindowjustaboveme。
\"Suchanoddthing，\"hecalleddowntome。\"Inevernoticeditlastnight。Apairofswallowsarebuildinganesthereinthehall。
You’vegottobecarefulyoudon’tmistakeitforahat—peg。Theoldladysaystheyhavebuiltthereregularlyforthelastthreeyears。\"
Thenitcametomewhatitwasthegentlemanhadbeensayingtome：
\"Isay，sir，youwiththebitofwoodinyourmouth，youhavebeenandshutthedoorandIcan’tgetin。\"
Now，withthekeyinmypossession，itwassoclearandunderstandable，Ireallyforgotforthemomenthewasonlyabird。
\"Ibegyourpardon，\"Ireplied，\"Ihadnoidea。Suchanextraordinaryplacetobuildanest。\"
Iopenedthedoorforhim，and，takinguphisbrickagain，heentered，andIfollowedhimin。Therewasadealoftalk。
\"Heshutthedoor，\"Iheardhimsay，\"Chapthere，suckingthebitofwood。ThoughtIwasnevergoingtogetin。\"
\"Iknow，\"wastheanswer;\"ithasbeensodarkinhere，ifyou’llbelieveme，I’vehardlybeenabletoseewhatI’vebeendoing。\"
\"Finebrick，isn’tit？Wherewillyouhaveit？\"
Observingmesittingthere，theyloweredtheirvoices。Evidentlyshewantedhimtoputthebrickdownandleavehertothink。Shewasnotquitesurewhereshewouldhaveit。He，ontheotherhand，wassurehehadfoundtherightplaceforit。Hepointeditouttoherandexplainedhisviews。Otherbirdsquarrelagooddealduringnestbuilding，butswallowsarethegentlestoflittlepeople。Shelethimputitwherehewantedto，andhekissedherandranout。Shecockedhereyeafterhim，watchedtillhewasoutofsight，thendeftlyandquicklyslippeditoutandfixedittheothersideofthedoor。
\"Poordears\"（Icouldseeitinthetossofherhead）;\"theywillthinktheyknowbest;itisjustaswellnottoarguewiththem。\"
EverysummerIsuffermuchfromindignation。Ilovetowatchtheswallowsbuilding。Theybuildbeneaththeeavesoutsidemystudywindow。Suchcheerfullittlechatter—boxestheyare。Longaftersunset，whenalltheotherbirdsaresleeping，theswallowsstillarechatteringsoftly。Itsoundsasiftheyweretellingoneanothersomeprettystory，andoftenIamsuretheremustbehumourinit，foreverynowandthenonehearsalittletwitteringlaugh。I
delightinhavingthemthere，soclosetome。Thefancycomestomethatoneday，whenmybrainhasgrownmorecunning，I，too，listeninginthetwilight，shallhearthestoriesthattheytell。
OneortwophrasesalreadyIhavecometounderstand：\"Onceuponatime\"——\"Long，longago\"——\"Inastrange，far—offland。\"Ihearthesewordssoconstantly，IamsureIhavethemright。Icallit\"SwallowStreet，\"thisrowofsixorsevennests。Twoorthree，likevillasintheirowngrounds，standalone，andothersaresemi—detached。Itmakesmeangrythatthesparrowswillcomeandstealthem。Thesparrowswillhangaboutdeliberatelywaitingforapairofswallowstofinishtheirnest，andthen，withabrutallaughthatmakesmybloodboil，drivetheswallowsawayandtakepossessionofit。Andtheswallowsaresowonderfullypatient。
\"Nevermind，oldgirl，\"saysTommySwallow，afterthefirstbigcryisover，toJennySwallow，\"let’stryagain。\"
Andhalfanhourlater，fulloffreshplans，theyarechoosinganotherlikelysite，chatteringcheerfullyoncemore。Iwatchedthebuildingofaparticularnestfornearlyafortnightoneyear;andwhen，aftertwoorthreedays’absence，Ireturnedandfoundapairofsparrowscomfortablyencsoncedtherein，Ijustfeltmad。IsawMrs。Sparrowlookingout。Maybemyangerwasworkinguponmyimagination，butitseemedtomethatshenoddedtome：
\"Nicelittlehouse，ain’tit？WhatIcallwellbuilt。\"
Mr。Sparrowthenflewupwithagaudyfeather，dyedblue，whichbelongedtome。Irecognisedit。Ithadcomeoutofthebrushwithwhichthegirlbreaksthechinaornamentsinourdrawing—room。AtanyothertimeIshouldhavebeengladtoseehimflyingoffwiththewholething，handleincluded。ButnowIfeltthetheftofthatonefeatherasanaddedinjury。Mrs。Sparrowchirpedwithdelightatsightofthegaudymonstrosity。Havinggotthehousecheap，theyweregoingtospendtheirsmallamountofenergyuponinternaldecoration。Thatwastheirideaclearly，a\"Libertyinterior。\"ShelookedmorelikeaCockneysparrowthanacountryone——hadbeenbornandbredinRegentStreet，nodoubt。
\"Thereisnotmuchjusticeinthisworld，\"saidItomyself;\"butthere’sgoingtobesomeintroducedintothisbusiness——thatis，ifI
canfindaladder。\"
Ididfindaladder，andfortunatelyitwaslongenough。Mr。andMrs。SparrowwereoutwhenIarrived，possiblyonthehuntforcheapphotoframesandJapanesefans。Ididnotwanttomakeamess。I
removedthehouseneatlyintoadust—pan，andwipedthestreetclearofeverytraceofit。IhadjustputbacktheladderwhenMrs。
Sparrowreturnedwithapieceofpinkcotton—woolinhermouth。Thatwasherideaofacolourscheme：apple—blossompinkandReckitt’sbluesidebyside。Shedroppedherwoolandsatonthewaterspout，andtriedtounderstandthings。
\"Numberone，numbertwo，numberfour;wheretheblazes\"——sparrowsareessentiallycommon，andthewomenareasbadasthemen——\"isnumberthree？\"
Mr。Sparrowcameupfrombehind，overtheroof。Hewascarryingapieceofyellow—fluff，partofalamp—shade，asfarasIcouldjudge。
\"Moveyourself，\"hesaid，\"what’sthesenseofsittingthereintherain？\"
\"Iwentoutjustforamoment，\"repliedMrs。Sparrow;\"Icouldnothavebeengone，no，notacoupleofminutes。WhenIcameback——\"
\"Oh，getindoors，\"saidMr。Sparrow，\"talkaboutitthere。\"
\"It’swhatI’mtellingyou，\"continuedMrs。Sparrow，\"ifyouwouldonlylisten。Thereisn’tanydoor，thereisn’tanyhouse——\"
\"Isn’tany——\"Mr。Sparrow，holdingontotherimofthespout，turnedhimselftopsy—turvyandsurveyedthestreet。FromwhereIwasstandingbehindthelaurelbushesIcouldseenothingbuthisback。
Hestoodupagain，lookingangryandflushed。
\"Whathaveyoudonewiththehouse？Can’tIturnmybackaminute——\"
\"Iain’tdonenothingwithit。AsIkeepontellingyou，Ihadonlyjustgone——\"
\"Oh，botherwhereyouhadgone。Where’sthedarnedhousegone？
that’swhatIwanttoknow。\"
Theylookedatoneanother。Ifeverastonishmentwasexpressedintheattitudeofabirditwastoldbythetailsofthosetwosparrows。Theywhisperedwickedlytogether。Theideaoccurredtothemthatbyforceorcunningtheymightperhapsobtainpossessionofoneoftheothernests。Butalltheothernestswereoccupied，andevengentleJennySwallow，onceinherownhomewiththechildrenroundabouther，isnottobetrifledwith。Mr。Sparrowcalledatnumbertwo，puthisheadinatthedoor，andthenreturnedtothewaterspout。
\"Ladysayswedon’tlivethere，\"heexplainedtoMrs。Sparrow。Therewassilenceforawhile。
\"NotwhatIcallaclassystreet，\"commentedMrs。Sparrow。
\"Ifitwerenotforthatterribletiredfeelingofmine，\"saidMr。
Sparrow，\"blameifIwouldn’tbuildahouseofmyown。\"
\"Perhaps，\"saidMrs。Sparrow，\"——Ihavehearditsaidthatalittlebitofwork，nowandthen，doesyougood。\"
\"Allsortsofwildideasaboutintheairnowadays，\"saidMr。
Sparrow，\"itdon’tdotolistentoeverybody。\"
\"Anditdon’tdotositstillanddonothingneither，\"snappedMrs。
Sparrow。\"Idon’twanttohavetoforgetI’malady，but——well，anymanwhowasamanwouldseethingsforhimself。\"
\"WhydidIeverymarry？\"retortedMr。Sparrow。
Theyflewawaytogether，quarrelling。
DOWRITERSWRITETOOMUCH？
Onanewspaperplacard，theotherday，Isawannouncedanewnovelbyacelebratedauthor。Iboughtacopyofthepaper，andturnedeagerlytothelastpage。IwasdisappointedtofindthatIhadmissedthefirstsixchapters。ThestoryhadcommencedthepreviousSaturday;thiswasFriday。IsayIwasdisappointedandsoIwas，atfirst。Butmydisappointmentdidnotlastlong。Thebrightandintelligentsub—editor，accordingtothecustomnowinvogue，hadprovidedmewithashortsynopsisofthosefirstsixchapters，sothatwithoutthetroubleofreadingthemIknewwhattheywereallabout。
\"Thefirstinstalment，\"Ilearned，\"introducesthereadertoabrilliantanddistinguishedcompany，assembledinthedrawing—roomofLadyMary’smaisonetteinParkStreet。Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin。\"
Iknowthat\"smarttalk\"sowell。HadInotbeenluckyenoughtomissthatfirstchapterIshouldhavehadtolistentoitonceagain。
Possibly，hereandthere，itmighthavebeennewtome，butitwouldhaveread，Iknow，soveryliketheold。Adear，sweetwhite—hairedladyofmyacquaintanceisneversurprisedatanythingthathappens。
\"Somethingverymuchofthesamekindoccurred，\"shewillremember，\"onewinterwhenwewerestayinginBrighton。Onlyonthatoccasiontheman’sname，Ithink，wasRobinson。\"
Wedonotlivenewstories——norwritethemeither。Theman’snameintheoldstorywasRobinson，wealterittoJones。Ithappened，intheoldforgottentale，atBrighton，inthewintertime;wechangeittoEastbourne，inthespring。Itisnewandoriginal——tothosewhohavenotheard\"somethingverylikeit\"oncebefore。
\"Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin，\"sothesub—editorhasexplained。
Thereisabsolutelynoneedtoaskformorethanthat。ThereisaDuchesswhosaysimproperthings。Oncesheusedtoshockme。ButI
knowhernow。Sheisreallyanicewoman;shedoesn’tmeanthem。
Andwhentheheroineisintrouble，towardsthemiddleofthebook，sheisjustasamusingonthesideofvirtue。Thenthereisayoungerladywhosespecialityisproverbs。Apparentlywhenevershehearsaproverbshewritesitdownandstudiesitwiththeideaofseeingintohowmanydifferentformsitcanbetwisted。Itlooksclever;asamatteroffact，itisextremelyeasy。
Bevirtuousandyouwillbehappy。
Shejotsdownallthepossiblevariations：Bevirtuousandyouwillbeunhappy。
\"Toosimplethatone，\"shetellsherself。Bevirtuousandyourfriendswillbehappyifyouarenot。
\"Better，butnotwickedenough。Letusthinkagain。Behappyandpeoplewilljumptotheconclusionthatyouarevirtuous。
\"That’sgood，I’lltrythatoneatto—morrow’sparty。\"
Sheisapainstakinglady。Onefeelsthat，betteradvised，shemighthavebeenofuseintheworld。
ThereislikewiseadisgracefuloldPeerwhotellsnaughtystories，butwhoisgoodatheart;andonepersonsoveryrudethatthewonderiswhoinvitedhim。
Occasionallyaslangygirlisincluded，andaclergyman，whotakestheheroineasideandtalkssensetoher，flavouredwithepigram。
AllthesepeoplechatteramixtureofLordChesterfieldandOliverWendellHolmes，ofHeine，Voltaire，MadamedeStael，andthelatelamentedH。J。Byron。\"Howtheydoitbeatsme，\"asIonceoverheardatamusichallastoutladyconfesstoherfriendwhilewitnessingtheperformanceofaclevertroup，stylingthemselves\"TheBonelessWondersoftheUniverse。\"
Thesynopsisaddedthat：\"UrsulaBart，acharmingandunsophisticatedyoungAmericangirlpossessedofanelusiveexpressionmakesherfirstacquaintancewithLondonsociety。\"
Hereyouhaveaweek’sunnecessaryworkonthepartoftheauthorboileddowntoitsessentials。Shewasyoung。Onehardlyexpectsanelderlyheroine。The\"young\"mighthavebeendispensedwith，especiallyseeingitistoldusthatshewasagirl。Butmaybethisiscarping。Thereareyounggirlsandoldgirls。Perhapsitisaswelltohaveitinblackandwhite;shewasyoung。ShewasanAmericanyounggirl。ThereisbutoneAmericanyounggirlinEnglishfiction。Weknowbyhearttheunconventionalthingsthatshewilldo，thestartlinglyoriginalthingsthatshewillsay，thefreshilluminatingthoughtsthatwillcometoheras，cladinalooserobeofsomesoftclingingstuff，shesitsbeforethefire，inthesolitudeofherownroom。
Tocompletehershehadan\"elusiveexpression。\"Thedayswhenweusedtocataloguetheheroine’s\"points\"arepast。Formerlyitwaspossible。Amanwroteperhapssomehalf—a—dozennovelsduringthewholecourseofhiscareer。Hecouldhaveadarkgirlforthefirst，alightgirlforthesecond，sketchamerrylittlewenchforthethird，anddrawyousomethingstatelyforthefourth。Fortheremainingtwohecouldgoabroad。Nowadays，whenamanturnsoutanovelandsixshortstoriesonceayear，descriptionhastobedispensedwith。Itisnotthewriter’sfault。Thereisnotsufficientvarietyinthesex。Weusedtointroduceherthus：
\"Imaginetoyourself，dearreader，anexquisiteandgraciouscreatureoffivefeetthree。Hergoldenhairofthatpeculiarshade\"——herewouldfollowdirectionsenablingthereadertoworkitoutforhimself。Hewastopoursomeparticularwineintosomeparticularsortofglass，andwaveitaboutbeforesomeparticularsortofalight。Orhewastogetupatfiveo’clockonaMarchmorningandgointoawood。Inthiswayhecouldsatisfyhimselfastotheparticularshadeofgoldtheheroine’shairmighthappentobe。Ifhewereacarelessorlazyreaderhecouldsavehimselftimeandtroublebytakingtheauthor’swordforit。Manyofthemdid。
\"Hereyes！\"Theywereinvariablydeepandliquid。Theyhadtobeprettydeeptoholdalltheoddsandendsthatwerehiddeninthem;
sunlightandshadow，mischief，unsuspectedpossibilities，assortedemotions，strangewildyearnings。Anythingwedidn’tknowwhereelsetoputwesaidwashiddeninhereyes。
\"Hernose！\"Youcouldhavemadeitforyourselfoutofapen’orthofputtyafterreadingourdescriptionofit。
\"Herforehead！\"Itwasalways\"lowandbroad。\"Idon’tknowwhyitwasalwayslow。Maybebecausetheintellectualheroinewasnotthenpopular。ForthematterofthatIdoubtifshebereallypopularnow。Thebrainlessdoll，onefears，willcontinueformanyyearstocometobeman’sidealwoman——andwoman’sidealofherselfforpreciselythesameperiod，onemaybesure。
\"Herchin！\"Alessdegreeofvarietywaspermissibleinherchin。
Ithadtobeatananglesuggestiveofpiquancy，andithadtocontainatleastthesuspicionofadimple。
Toproperlyunderstandhercomplexionyouwereexpectedtoprovideyourselfwithacollectionofassortedfruitsandflowers。Thereareseasonsintheyearwhenitmusthavebeendifficultfortheconscientiousreadertohavemadesureofhercomplexion。Possiblyitwasforthispurposethatwaxflowersandfruit，carefullykeptfromthedustunderglasscases，werecommonobjectsinformertimesuponthetablesofthecultured。
Nowadayswecontentourselves——andourreadersalso，Iaminclinedtothink——withdashingheroffinafewboldstrokes。Wesaythatwheneversheenteredaroomtherecametoonedreamsofanoldworldgarden，thesoundoffar—offbells。Orthatherpresencebroughtwithitthescentofhollyhocksandthyme。AsamatteroffactI
don’tthinkhollyhocksdosmell。Itisasmallpoint;aboutsuchwedonottroubleourselves。InthecaseofthehomelytypeofgirlI
don’tseewhyweshouldnotborrowMr。Pickwick’sexpression，anddefineherbysayingthatinsomesubtlewayshealwayscontrivedtosuggestanodourofchopsandtomatosauce。
Ifwedesiretobeexactwemention，asthisparticularauthorseemstohavedone，thatshehadan\"elusiveexpression，\"orapenetratingfragrance。Orwesaythatshemoved，thecentreofanindefinablenuance。
Butitisnotpolicytobindoneselftoocloselytodetail。Awisefriendofmine，whoknowshisbusiness，describeshisheroinvariablyinthevaguestterms。Hewillnoteventellyouwhetherthemanistallorshort，cleanshavenorbearded。
\"Makethefellownice，\"ishisadvice。\"Leteverywomanreaderpicturehimtoherselfasherparticularman。Theneverythinghesaysanddoesbecomesofimportancetoher。Sheiscarefulnottomissaword。\"
Forthesamereasonheseestoitthathisheroinehasabitofeverygirlinher。Generallyspeaking，sheisacrossbetweenRomolaandDoraCopperfield。Hisnovelscommandenormoussales。Thewomensayhedrawsamantothelife，butdoesnotseemtoknowmuchaboutwomen。Themenlikehiswomen，butthinkhismenstupid。
Ofanotherfamousauthornowomanofmyacquaintanceisabletospeaktoohighly。Theytellmehisknowledgeoftheirsexissimplymarvellous，hisinsight，hisunderstandingofthemalmostuncanny。
Thinkingitmightproveuseful，Imadeanexhaustivestudyofhisbooks。InoticedthathiswomenwerewithoutexceptionbrilliantcharmingcreaturespossessedofthewitofaLadyWortlayMontagu，combinedwiththewisdomofaGeorgeEliot。Theywerenotallofthemgoodwomen，butallofthemwerecleverandallofthemwerefascinating。Icametotheconclusionthathisladycriticswerecorrect：hedidunderstandwomen。Buttoreturntooursynopsis。
Thesecondchapter，itappeared，transportedustoYorkshirewhere：
\"BasilLongleat，atypicalyoungEnglishman，latelyhomefromcollege，resideswithhiswidowedmotherandtwosisters。Theyareadelightfulfamily。\"
Whataworldoftroubletobothwriterandtoreaderisheresaved。
\"AtypicalyoungEnglishman！\"Theauthorprobablywrotefivepages，elaborating。Thefivewordsofthesub—editorpresenthimtomemorevividly。Iseehimpositivelyglisteningfromtheeffectsofsoapandwater。Iseehisclearblueeye;hisfaircrisplocks，thenaturalcurlinessofwhichannoyshimpersonally，thoughalluringtoeverybodyelse;hisfrankwinningsmile。Heis\"latelyhomefromcollege。\"Thattellsmethatheisafirst—classcricketer;afirst—
classoar;thatasahalf—backheisincomparable;thatheswimslikeCaptainWebb;isinthefirstrankoftennisplayers;thathishalf—
volleyatping—ponghasneverbeenstopped。Itdoesn’ttellmemuchabouthisbrainpower。Thedescriptionofhimasa\"typicalyoungEnglishman\"suggestsmoreinformationonthisparticularpoint。OneassumesthattheAmericangirlwiththeelusiveexpressionisgoingtohavesufficientforboth。
\"Theyareadelightfulfamily。\"Thesub—editordoesnotsayso，butIimaginethetwosistersarelikewisetypicalyoungEnglishwomen。
Theyrideandshootandcookandmaketheirowndresses，havecommonsenseandloveajoke。
Thethirdchapteris\"takenupwiththehumoursofalocalcricketmatch。\"
Thankyou，Mr。Sub—editor。IfeelIoweyougratitude。
Inthefourth，UrsulaBart（Iwasbeginningtogetanxiousabouther）
turnsupagain。SheisstayingattheusefulLadyMary’splaceinYorkshire。ShemeetsBasilbyaccidentonemorningwhileridingalone。ThatistheadvantageofhavinganAmericangirlforyourheroine。LiketheBritisharmy：itgoesanywhereanddoesanything。
InchapterfiveBasilandUrsulameetagain;thistimeatapicnic。
Thesub—editordoesnotwishtorepeathimself，otherwisehepossiblywouldhavesummedupchapterfivebysayingitwas\"takenupwiththehumoursoftheusualpicnic。\"
Inchaptersixsomethinghappens：
\"Basil，returninghomeinthetwilight，comesacrossUrsulaBart，inalonelypointofthemoor，talkingearnestlytoarough—lookingstranger。Hisapproachoverthesoftturfbeingunnoticed，hecannothelpoverhearingUrsula’spartingwordstotheforbidding—lookingstranger：’Imustseeyouagain！To—morrownightathalf—pastnine！
Inthegatewayoftheruinedabbey！’Whoishe？AndwhymustUrsulaseehimagainatsuchanhour，insuchaspot？\"
Sohere，atcostofreadingtwentylines，Iamlanded，sotospeak，atthebeginningoftheseventhchapter。Whydon’tIsettoworktoreadit？Thesub—editorhasspoiledme。
\"Youreadit，\"Iwanttosaytohim。\"Tellmeto—morrowmorningwhatitisallabout。Whowasthisbounder？WhyshouldUrsulawanttoseehimagain？Whychooseadraughtyplace？Whyhalf—pastnineo’clockatnight，whichmusthavebeenanawkwardtimeforbothofthem——likelytoleadtotalk？WhyshouldIwadethoughthisseventhchapterofthreecolumnsandahalf？It’syourwork。Whatareyoupaidfor？\"
Myfearislestthissortofthingshallleadtoademandonthepartofthepublicforcondensednovels。Whatbusymanisgoingtospendaweekofeveningsreadingabookwhenanicekindsub—editorispreparedinfiveminutestotellhimwhatitisallabout！
Thentherewillcomeaday——Ifeelit——whenthebusiness—likeEditorwillsaytohimself：\"Whatinthunderisthesenseofmypayingonemantowriteastoryofsixtythousandwordsandanothermantoreaditandtellitagaininsixteenhundred！\"
Weshallbeexpectedtowriteournovelsinchaptersnotexceedingtwentywords。Ourshortstorieswillbereducedtotheformula：
\"Littleboy。Pairofskates。Brokenice，Heaven’sgates。\"Formerlyanauthor，commissionedtosupplyachild’stragedyofthisgenreforaChristmasnumber，wouldhavespunitoutintofivethousandwords。
Personally，Ishouldhavecommencedthepreviousspring——giventhereaderthesummerandautumntogetaccustomedtotheboy。Hewouldhavebeenagoodboy;thesortofboythatmakesabee—lineforthethinnestice。Hewouldhavelivedinacottage。Icouldhavespreadthatcottageovertwopages;thethingsthatgrewinthegarden，theviewfromthefrontdoor。YouwouldhaveknownthatboybeforeIhaddonewithhim——feltyouhadknownhimallyourlife。Hisquaintsayings，hischildishthoughts，hisgreatlongingswouldhavebeenimpresseduponyou。Thefathermighthavehadadashofhumourinhim，themother’searlygirlhoodwouldhavelentitselftoprettywriting。Fortheicewewouldhavehadamysteriouslakeinthewood，saidtobehaunted。Theboywouldhavelovedo’twilightstostanduponitsmargin。Hewouldhaveheardstrangevoicescallingtohim。Youwouldhavefeltthethingwascoming。
Somuchmighthavebeendone。WhenIthinkofthatplotwastedinninewordsitmakesmepositivelyangry。
Andwhatistobecomeofuswritersifthisistobethenewfashioninliterature？Wearepaidbythelengthofourmanuscriptatratesfromhalf—a—crownathousandwords，andupwards。InthecaseoffellowslikeDoyleandKiplingIamtolditrunsintopounds。Howarewetoliveonnovelstheserialrightsofwhichtomostofuswillworkoutatfourandnine—pence。
Itcan’tbedone。Itisnogoodtellingmeyoucanseenoreasonwhyweshouldlive。Thatisnoanswer。I’mtalkingplainbusiness。
Andwhataboutbook—rights？Whoisgoingtobuynovelsofthreepages？Theywillhavetobeprintedasleafletsandsoldatapennyadozen。MarieCorelliandHallCaine——ifallIhearaboutthemistrue——willpossiblymaketheirtenortwelveshillingsaweek。Butwhatabouttherestofus？Thisthingisworryingme。
SHOULDSOLDIERSBEPOLITE？
MydesirewasoncetopassapeacefulandpleasantwinterinBrussels，attendingtomywork，improvingmymind。Brusselsisabrightandcheerfultown，andIthinkIcouldhavesucceededhaditnotbeenfortheBelgianArmy。TheBelgianArmywouldfollowmeaboutandworryme。Judgingofitfrommyownexperience，Ishouldsayitwasagoodarmy。Napoleonlaiditdownasanaxiomthatyourenemyneveroughttobepermittedtogetawayfromyou——neveroughttobeallowedtofeel，evenforamoment，thathehadshakenyouoff。
WhattacticstheBelgianArmymightadoptunderotherconditionsIamunabletosay，butagainstmepersonallythatwastheplanofcampaignitdetermineduponandcarriedoutwithasuccessthatwasastonishing，eventomyself。
IfounditutterlyimpossibletoescapefromtheBelgianArmy。I
madeapointofchoosingthequietestandmostunlikelystreets，I
choseallhours——earlyinthemorning，intheafternoon，lateintheevening。ThereweremomentsofwildexaltationwhenIimaginedIhadgivenittheslip。Icouldnotseeitanywhere，Icouldnothearit。
\"Now，\"saidItomyself，\"nowforfiveminutes’peaceandquiet。\"
Ihadbeendoingitinjustice：ithadbeenworkingroundme。
Approachingthenextcorner，Iwouldhearthetattooofitsdrum。
BeforeIhadgoneanotherquarterofamileitwouldbeinfullpursuitofme。Iwouldjumpuponatram，andtravelformiles。
Then，thinkingIhadshakenitoff，Iwouldalightandproceeduponmywalk。Fiveminuteslateranotherdetachmentwouldbeuponmyheels。Iwouldslinkhome，theBelgianArmypursuingmewithitsexultanttattoo。Vanquished，shamed，myinsularprideforevervanished，Iwouldcreepupintomyroomandclosethedoor。ThevictoriousBelgianArmywouldthenmarchbacktobarracks。
Ifonlyithadfollowedmewithaband：Ilikeaband。Icanloafagainstapost，listeningtoabandwithanyone。Ishouldnothavemindedsomuchhaditcomeaftermewithaband。ButtheBelgianArmy，apparently，doesn’truntoaband。Ithasnothingbutthisdrum。Ithasnotevenarealdrum——notwhatIcalladrum。Itisalittleboy’sdrum，thesortofthingIusedtoplaymyselfatonetime，untilpeopletookitawayfromme，andthreatenedthatiftheyhearditonceagainthatdaytheywouldbreakitovermyownhead。
Itiscowardlygoingupanddown，playingadrumofthissort，whenthereisnobodytostopyou。Themanwouldnotdaretodoitifhismotherwasabout。Hedoesnotevenplayit。Hewalksalongtappingitwithalittlestick。There’snotune，there’snosenseinit。Hedoesnotevenkeeptime。Iusedtothinkatfirst，hearingitinthedistance，thatitwastheworkofsomeyounggaminwhooughttobeatschool，ormakinghimselfusefultakingthebabyoutintheperambulator：andIwoulddrawbackintodarkdoorways，determined，ashecameby，todartoutandpullhisearforhim。Tomyastonishment——forthefirstweek——IlearntitwastheBelgianArmy，gettingitselfaccustomed，onesupposes，tothehorrorsofwar。Ithadtheeffectofmakingmeapeace—at—any—priceman。
TheytellmethesearmiesarenecessarytopreservethetranquilityofEurope。Formyself，Ishouldbewillingtoruntheriskofanoccasionalrow。Cannotsomeonetellthemtheyareoutofdate，withtheirbitsoffeathersandtheiroddsandendsofironmongery——grownmenthatcannotbesentoutforawalkunlessaccompaniedbyacoupleofnursemen，blowingatinwhistleandtappingadrumoutofatoyshoptokeeptheminorderandpreventtheirrunningabout：onemightthinktheywerechickens。Aherdofsoldierswiththeirpotsandpansandparcels，andalltheirdeadlythingstiedontothem，prancingaboutintimetoatune，makesmethinkalwaysoftheWhiteKnightthatAlicemetinWonderland。Itakeitthatforpracticalpurposes——tofightforyourcountry，ortofightforsomebodyelse’scountry，whichis，generallyspeaking，morepopular——thethingessentialisthatacertainproportionofthepopulaceshouldbeabletoshootstraightwithagun。Howstandinginalineandturningoutyourtoesisgoingtoassistyou，undermodernconditionsofwarfare，isoneofthemanythingsmyintellectisincapableofgrasping。
Inmediaevaldays，whenmenfoughthandtohand，theremusthavebeenadvantageincombinedandprecisemovement。Whenarmiesweremereironmachines，thesimpleendeavourofeachbeingtopushtheotherofftheearth，thenthestrikingsimultaneouslywithathousandarmswaspartofthegame。Now，whenweshootfrombehindcoverwithsmokelesspowder，brainnotbruteforce——individualsensenotcombinedsolidityissurelytheresulttobeaimedat。Cannotsomebody，asIhavesuggested，explaintothemilitarymanthattheproperplaceforthedrillsergeantnowadaysisunderaglasscaseinsomemuseumofantiquities？
IlivedonceneartheHydeParkbarracks，andsawmuchofthedrillsergeant’smethod。Generallyspeaking，heisastoutmanwiththewalkofanegotisticalpigeon。Hisvoiceisoneofthemostextraordinarythingsinnature：ifyoucandistinguishitfromthebarkofadog，youareclever。Theytellmethattheprivates，afteralittlepractice，can——whichgivesoneahigheropinionoftheirintelligencethanotherwiseonemightform。ButmyselfIdoubteventhisstatement。IwastheownerofafineretrieverdogaboutthetimeofwhichIamspeaking，andsometimesheandIwouldamuseourselvesbywatchingMr。Sergeantexercisinghissquad。Onemorninghehadbeenshoutingouttheusual\"Whough，whough，whough！\"forabouttenminutes，andallhadhithertogonewell。Suddenly，andevidentlytohisintenseastonishment，thesquadturnedtheirbacksuponhimandcommencedtowalktowardstheSerpentine。
\"Halt！\"yelledthesergeant，theinstanthisamazedindignationpermittedhimtospeak，whichfortunatelyhappenedintimetosavethedetachmentfromawaterygrave。
Thesquadhalted。
\"Whothethunder，andtheblazes，andotherthingstoldyoutodothat？\"
Thesquadlookedbewildered，butsaidnothing，andwerebroughtbacktotheplacewheretheywerebefore。Aminutelaterpreciselythesamethingoccurredagain。Ireallythoughtthesergeantwouldburst。Iwaspreparingtohastentothebarracksformedicalaid。