CONTENTS
MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND
THEAMOURSOFMR。DEUCEACE
FORINGPARTS
MR。DEUCEACEATPARIS：——
CHAP。I。TheTwoBundlesofHayII。\"HonorthyFather\"
III。MinewvringIV。\"HittingtheNaleontheHedd\"
V。TheGriffin’sClawsVI。TheJewelVII。TheConsquinsiesVIII。TheEndofMr。Deuceace’sHistory。LimboIX。TheMarriageX。TheHoney—moonMR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW
SKIMMINGSFROM\"THEDAIRYOFGEORGEIV。\"
EPISTLESTOTHELITERATI
MEMOIRSOFMR。CHARLESJ。YELLOWPLUSH
MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND。
CHAPTERI。
Iwasbornintheyearone，ofthepresentorChristianhera，andam，inconsquints，seven—and—thirtyyearsold。MymammacalledmeCharlesJamesHarringtonFitzroyYellowplush，incomplimenttoseveralnoblefamilies，andtoasellybratedcoachminwhomsheknew，whoworeayellowlivry，anddrovetheLordMayorofLondon。
Whyshegevmethisgenlmn’snameisadiffiklty，orraytherthenameofapartofhisdress;however，it’sstucktomethroughlife，inwhichIwas，asitwere，afootmanbybuth。
Prapshewasmyfather——thoughonthissubjictIcan’tspeaksuttinly，formymawrappedupmybuthinamistry。Imaybeillygitmit，Imayhavebeenchangedatnuss;butI’vealwayshadgenlmnlytastesthroughlife，andhavenodoubtthatIcomeofagenlmnlyorigum。
ThelessIsayaboutmyparintthebetter，forthedearoldcreaturwasverygoodtome，and，Ifear，hadverylittleothergoodnessinher。Why，Ican’tsay;butIalwayspassedashernevyou。Weledastrangelife;sometimesmawasdressedinsattnandrooge，andsometimesinragsanddutt;sometimesIgotkisses，andsometimeskix;sometimesgin，andsometimesshampang;lawblessus！howsheusedtoswearatme，andcuddleme;therewewere，quarrellingandmakingup，soberandtipsy，starvingandguttlingbyturns，justasmagotmoneyorspentit。Butletmedrawavailovertheseen，andspeakofhernomore——its’sfishantforthepublictoknow，thathernamewasMissMontmorency，andwelivedintheNewCut。
Mypoormotherdiedonemorning，Hev，nblessher！andIwasleftaloneinthiswidewickedwuld，withoutsomuchmoneyaswouldbuymeapennyroalformybrexfast。Buttherewassomeamongstournaybors（andletmetellyouthere’smorekindnessamongthempoordisrepettablecreaturs，thaninhalfadozenlordsorbarrynets）
whotookpityuponpoorSal’sorfin（fortheybustoutlaffinwhenIcalledherMissMontmorency），andgevmebredandshelter。I’mafraid，inspiteoftheirkindness，thatmyMORRILSwouldn’thaveimprovedifI’dstayedlongamong’em。Butabenny—violentgenlmnsawme，andputmetoschool。TheacademywhichIwenttowascalledtheFreeSchoolofSaintBartholomew’stheLess——theyounggenlmnworegreenbaizecoats，yellowleatherwhatsisnames，atinplateontheleftarm，andacapaboutthesizeofamuffing。I
stayedtheresicksyears;fromsicks，thatistosay，tillmytwelthyear，duringthreeyearsofwitchIdistinguishedmyselfnotalittleinthemusicleway，forIbloothebellusofthechurchhorgin，andveryfinetunesweplayedtoo。
Well，it’snotworthrecountingmyjewvenilefollies（whattrixweusedtoplaytheapplewoman！andhowweputsnuffintheoldclark’sPrayer—book——myeye！）;butoneday，agenlmnenteredtheschool—room——itwasontheverydaywhenIwenttosubtraxion——andaskedthemasterforayoungladforaservant。Theypitcheduponmegladenough;andnexdayfoundmesleepinginthesculry，closeunderthesink，atMr。Bago’scountry—houseatPentonwille。
BagokepashopinSmithfieldmarket，anddrovataringgoodtradeinthehoilandItalianway。I’veheardhimsay，thatheclearednolessthanfiftypoundseveryyearbylettinghisfrontroomathangingtime。HiswinderslookedrightopsitNewgit，andmanyandmanydozenchapshasheseenhangingthere。Lawswaslawsintheyearten，andtheyscrewedchaps’nexfornextonothink。Butmybisnisswasathiscountry—house，whereImademyfirstontrayintofashnabllife。Iwasknife，errint，andstable—boythen，andan’tashamedtoownit;formymerritshaveraisedmetowhatIam——twolivries，fortypoundayear，malt—licker，washin，silk—stocking，andwaxcandles——notcountinwails，whichissomethinkprettyconsiderableatOURhouse，Icantellyou。
Ididn’tstaylonghere，forasuckmstancehappenedwhichgotmeaverydifferentsituation。Ahandsomeyounggenlmn，whokepatilbryandaridinhorseatlivry，wantedatiger。Ibidatoncefortheplace;and，beinganeattidy—lookinglad，hetookme。
Bagogavemeacharacter，andhemyfirstlivry;proudenoughIwasofit，asyoumayfancy。
Mynewmasterhadsomebusinessinthecity，forhewentineverymorningatten，gotoutofhistilbryattheCittyRoad，andhaditwaitingforhimatsix;when，ifitwassummer，hespankedroundintothePark，anddroveoneoftheneatestturnoutsthere。WeryproudIwasinagold—lacedhat，adrabcoatandaredweskit，tositbyhisside，whenhedrove。Ialreadybegantooglethegalsinthecarridges，andtofeelthatlongingforfashionabllifewhichI’vehadeversince。Whenhewasattheoppera，ortheplay，downIwenttoskittles，ortoWhiteCondickGardens;andMr。
FredericAltamont’syoungmanwassomebody，Iwarrant：tobesurethereisveryfewman—servantsatPentonwille，thepoppylationbeingmostlygalsofallwork;andso，thoughonlyfourteen，Iwasasmuchamandownthere，asifIhadbeenasoldasJerusalem。
Butthemostsingularthingwas，thatmymaster，whowassuchagaychap，shouldliveinsuchahole。Hehadonlyaground—floorinJohnStreet——aparlorandabedroom。Islepovertheway，andonlycameinwithhisbootsandbrexfastofamorning。
ThehousehelodgedinbelongedtoMr。andMrs。Shum。Theywereapoorbutprolifficcouple，whohadrentedtheplaceformanyyears;
andtheyandtheirfamilyweresqueezedinitprettytight，Icantellyou。
Shumsaidhehadbeenahofficer，andsohehad。Hehadbeenasub—deputyassistantvice—commissary，orsomesuchthink;and，asIheerdafterwards，hadbeenobligedtoleaveonaccountofhisNERVOUSNESS。Hewassuchacoward，thefactis，thathewasconsidereddangeroustotheharmy，andsenthome。
HehadmarriedawidowBuckmaster，whohadbeenaMissSlamcoe。
ShewasaBristolgal;andherfatherbeingabankrupinthetallow—chandleringway，left，incourse，aprettylittlesumofmoney。Athousandpoundwassettledonher;andshewasashighandmightyasifithadbeenamillium。
Buckmasterdied，leavingnothink;nothinkexceptfouruglydaughtersbyMissSlamcoe：andherfortypoundayearwasraytheranarrowincomeforoneofherappytiteandpretensions。InanunluckyhourforShumshemethim。Hewasawidowerwithalittledaughterofthreeyearsold，alittlehouseatPentonwille，andalittleincomeaboutasbigasherown。Ibelieveshebullydthepoorcreatureintomarridge;anditwasagreedthatheshouldlethisground—flooratJohnStreet，andsoaddsomethinktotheirmeans。
Theymarried;andthewidowBuckmasterwasthegraymare，Icantellyou。Shewasalwaystalkingandblusteringaboutherfamly，thecelebrityoftheBuckmasters，andtheanticketyoftheSlamcoes。Theyhadasix—roomedhouse（notcountingkitchingandsculry），andnowtwelvedaughtersinall;whizz。——4MissBuckmasters：MissBetsy，MissDosy，MissBiddy，andMissWinny;
1MissShum，Marybyname，Shum’sdaughter，andsevenothers，whoshallbenameless。Mrs。Shumwasafat，red—hairedwoman，atleastafoottallerthanS。;whowasbutayardandahalfhigh，pale—
faced，red—nosed，knock—kneed，bald—headed，hisnoseandshut—frillallbrownwithsnuff。
Beforethehousewasalittlegarden，wherethewashinofthefamlywasallwayshanging。Therewassomanyof’emthatitwasobligedtobedonebyrelays。Therewassixrailsandastockingoneach，andfoursmallgoosbrybushes，alwayscoveredwithsomebitoflinningorother。Thehallwasaregularpuddle：wetdabsofdishcloutsflappedinyourface;soapysmokingbitsofflanningwentnightochokeyou;andwhileyouwerelookinguptopreventhangingyourselfwiththeropeswhichwerestrungacrossandabout，slapcamethehedgeofapailagainstyourshins，tillonewasliketobedrovemadwithhagony。Thegreatslattnlydoddlinggirlswasalwaysonthestairs，pokingaboutwithnastyflower—pots，a—
cookingsomething，orsprawlinginthewindow—seatswithgreasycurl—papers，readinggreasynovels。Aninfernalpiannawasjinglingfrommorningtillnight——twoeldestMissBuckmasters，\"BattleofPrag\"——sixyoungestMissShums，\"InmyCottage，\"tillI
kneweverynoteinthe\"BattleofPrag，\"andcussedthedaywhen\"InmyCottage\"wasrote。Theyoungergirls，too，werealwaysbouncingandthumpingaboutthehouse，withtornpinnyfores，anddogs—eardgrammars，andlargepiecesofbreadandtreacle。Ineverseesuchahouse。
AsforMrs。Shum，shewassuchafinelady，thatshedidnothinkbutlayonthedrawing—roomsophy，readnovels，drink，scold，scream，andgointohystarrix。LittleShumkepreadinganoldnewspaperfromweeks’endtoweeks’end，whenhewasnotengagedinteachingthechildren，orgoinforthebeer，orcleanintheshoes：
fortheykepnoservant。ThishouseinJohnStreetwasinshortaregularPandymony。
WhatcouldhavebroughtMr。FredericAltamonttodwellinsuchaplace？Thereasonishobvius：headoaredthefustMissShum。
Andsuttnlyhedidnotshowabadtaste;forthoughtheotherdaughterswereasuglyastheirhideousma，MaryShumwasaprettylittlepink，modestcreatur，withglossyblackhairandtenderblueeyes，andaneckaswhiteasplasterofParish。Sheworeadismaloldblackgownd，whichhadgrowntooshortforher，andtootight;
butitonlyservedtoshowherprettyanglesandfeet，andbewchusfigger。Master，thoughhehadlookedratherlowforthegalofhisart，hadcertainlylookedintherightplace。Neverwasonemoreprettyormorehamiable。Igavheralwaysthebutteredtoastleftfromourbrexfust，andacupofteaorchocklate，asAltamontmightfancy：andthepoorthingwasgladenoughofit，Icanvouch;fortheyhadpreciousshortcommonsupstairs，andshetheleastofall。
ForitseemedasifwhichoftheShumfamlyshouldtrytosnubthepoorthingmost。TherewasthefourBuckmastergirlsalwaysather。Itwas，Mary，gitthecoal—skittle;Mary，rundowntothepublic—houseforthebeer;Mary，Iintendtowearyourcleanstockensoutwalking，oryournewbonnettochurch。Onlyherpoorfatherwaskindtoher;andhe，pooroldmuff！hiskindnesswasofnouse。Maryboreallthescoldinglikeahangel，asshewas：no，notifshehadapairofwingsandagooldtrumpet，couldshehavebeenagreaterhangel。
Inevershallforgitoneseenthattookplace。ItwaswhenMasterwasinthecity;andso，havingnothinkearthlytodo，Ihappenedtobelisteningonthestairs。Theoldscoldingwasa—goingon，andtheoldtuneofthathojus\"BattleofPrag。\"OldShummadesomeremark;andMissBuckmastercriedout，\"Law，pa！whatafoolyouare！\"Allthegalsbeganlaffin，andsodidMrs。Shum;all，thatis，excepMary，whoturnedasredasflams，andgoinguptoMissBetsyBuckmaster，givehertwosuchwaxonhergreatredearsasmadethemtingleagain。
OldMrs。Shumscreamed，andranatherlikeaBengaltiger。Hergreatarmsventveelingaboutlikeavinmill，asshecuffedandthumpedpoorMaryfortakingherpa’spart。MaryShum，whowasalwaysa—cryingbefore，didn’tshedatearnow。\"Iwilldoitagain，\"shesaid，\"ifBetsyinsultsmyfather。\"Newthumps，newshreex;andtheoldhorridanwentonbeatinthepoorgirltillshewasquiteexosted，andfelldownonthesophy，puffinlikeapoppus。
\"Forshame，Mary，\"beganoldShum;\"forshame，younaughtygal，you！forhurtingthefeelingsofyourdearmamma，andbeatingyourkindsister。\"
\"Why，itwasbecauseshecalledyoua——\"
\"Ifshedid，youpertmiss，\"saidShum，lookingmightydignitified，\"Icouldcorrecther，andnotyou。\"
\"Youcorrectme，indeed！\"saidMissBetsy，turninguphernose，ifpossible，higherthanbefore;\"Ishouldliketoseeyouerectme！
Imperence！\"andtheyallbeganlaffinagain。
BythistimeMrs。S。hadrecoveredfromtheeffexofherexsize，andshebegantopourinHERwolly。FustshecalledMarynames，thenShum。
\"Oh，why，\"screechedshe，\"whydidIeverleaveagenteelfamly，whereIadeveryellyganceandlucksry，tomarryacreaturlikethis？Heisunfittobecalledaman，heisunworthytomarryagentlewoman;andasforthathussy，Idisownher。Thankheavenshean’taSlamcoe;sheisonlyfittobeaShum！\"
\"That’strue，mamma，\"saidallthegals;fortheirmotherhadtaughtthemthisprettypieceofmanners，andtheydespisedtheirfatherheartily：indeed，Ihavealwaysremarkedthat，infamlieswherethewifeisinternallytalkingaboutthemeritsofherbranch，thehusbandisinvariablyaspooney。
Well，whenshewasexostedagain，downshefellonthesofy，atheroldtrix——morescreeching——moreconvulshuns：andshewouldn’tstop，thistime，tillShumhadgotherhalfapintofheroldremedy，fromthe\"BlueLion\"overtheway。Shegrewmoreeasyasshefinishedthegin;butMarywassentoutoftheroom，andtoldnottocomebackaginallday。
\"MissMary，\"saysI，——formyheartyurnedtothepoorgal，asshecamesobbingandmiserabledownstairs：\"MissMary，\"saysI，\"ifI
mightmakesobold，here’smaster’sroomempty，andIknowwherethecoldbifandpicklesis。\"\"Oh，Charles！\"saidshe，noddingherheadsadly，\"I’mtooretchedtohaveanyhappytite。\"Andsheflungherselfonachair，andbegantocryfittobust。
Atthismomentwhoshouldcomeinbutmymaster。IhadtakenholdofMissMary’shand，somehow，anddobelieveIshouldhavekistit，when，asIsaid，Haltamontmadehisappearance。\"What’sthis？\"
crieshe，lookinatmeasblackasthunder，orasMr。PhillipsasHickit，inthenewtragedyofMacBuff。
\"It’sonlyMissMary，sir，\"answeredI。
\"Getout，sir，\"sayshe，asfierceasposbil;andIfeltsomethink（Ithinkitwasthetipofhisto）touchingmebehind，andfoundmyself，nexminit，sprawlingamongthewetflanningsandbucketsandthings。
Thepeoplefromupstairscametoseewhatwasthematter，asIwascussinandcryingout。\"It’sonlyCharles，ma，\"screamedoutMissBetsy。
\"Where’sMary？\"saysMrs。Shum，fromthesofy。
\"She’sinMaster’sroom，miss，\"saidI。
\"She’sinthelodger’sroom，ma，\"criesMissShum，heckoingme。
\"Verygood;tellhertostaytheretillhecomesback。\"AndthenMissShumwentbouncingupthestairsagain，littleknowingofHaltamont’sreturn……
I’dlongbeforeobservedthatmymasterhadananchoringafterMaryShum;indeed，asIhavesaid，itwaspurelyforhersakethathetookandkephislodgingsatPentonwille。Excepforthesakeoflove，whichisabovebeingmersnary，fourteenshillingsawickwasaLITTLEtoostrongfortwosuchrat—holesashelivedin。Idoblievethefamlyhadnothingelsebuttheirlodgertoliveon：theybrekfistedoffhistea—leaves，theycutawaypoundsandpoundsofmeatfromhisjints（healwaysdinedathome），andhisbaker’sbillwasatleastenoughforsix。Butthatwasn’tmybusiness。Isawhimgrin，sometimes，whenIlaiddownthecoldbifofamorning，toseehowlittlewasleftofyesterday’ssirline;butheneversaidasyllabub：fortruelovedon’tmindapoundofmeatorsohextra。
Atfirst，hewasverykindandattentivetoallthegals;MissBetsy，inpartickler，grewmightyfondofhim：theysat，forwholeevenings，playingcribbitch，hetakinghispipeandglas，sheherteaandmuffing;butasitwasimproperforhertocomealone，shebroughtoneofhersisters，andthiswasgenrallyMary，——forhemadeapintofaskingher，too，——andoneday，whenoneoftheotherscameinstead，hetoldher，veryquitely，thathehadn’tinvitedher;andMissBuckmasterwastoofondofmuffingstotrythisgameonagain：besides，shewasjealousofherthreegrownsisters，andconsideredMaryasonlyachild。Lawblessus！howsheusedtooglehim，andquotbitsofpottry，andplay\"MeetMebyMoonlike，\"onanoldgitter：shereglarflungherselfathishead：
buthewouldn’thaveit，beinbetterockypiedelsewhere。
Onenight，asgenteelaspossible，hebroughthometicketsfor\"Ashley’s，\"andproposedtotakethetwoyoungladies——MissBetsyandMissMary，incourse。Irecklecthecalledmeasidethatafternoon，assumingasolamonandmisterushare，\"Charles，\"saidhe，\"AREYOUUPTOSNUFF？\"
\"Whysir，\"saidI，\"I’mgenrallyconsideredtolerablydowny。\"
\"Well，\"sayshe，\"I’llgiveyouhalfasufferingifyoucanmanagethisbisnessforme;I’vechosearainynightonpurpus。Whenthetheatreisover，youmustbewaitinwithtwoumbrellows;givemeone，andholdtheotheroverMissBuckmaster：and，harkye，sir，TURNTOTHERIGHTwhenyouleavethetheater，andsaythecoachisorderedtostandalittlewayupthestreet，inordertogetridofthecrowd。\"
Wewent（inaflyhiredbyMr。A。），andnevershallIforgitCartliche’shactingonthatmemrablenight。TalkofKimble！talkofMagreedy！Ashley’sformymoney，withCartlitchintheprincipalpart。Butthisisnothinktotheporpus。Whentheplaywasover，Iwasatthedoorwiththeumbrellos。Itwasrainingcatsanddogs，sureenough。
Mr。Altamontcameoutpresently，MissMaryunderhisarm，andMissBetsyfollowingbehind，raythersulky。\"Thisway，sir，\"criesI，pushinforward;andIthrewagreatcloakoverMissBetsy，fittosmotherher。Mr。A。andMissMaryskippedonandwasoutofsightwhenMissBetsy’scloakwassettled，youmaybesure。
\"They’reonlygonetothefly，miss。It’salittlewayupthestreet，awayfromthecrowdofcarridges。\"AndoffweturnedTO
THERIGHT，andnomistake。
Aftermarchinalittlethroughtheplashandmud，\"HasanybodyseenCoxy’sfly？\"criesI，withthemostinnocenthaxentintheworld。
\"Cox’sfly！\"hollowsoutonechap。\"Isitthevagginyouwant？\"
saysanother。\"Iseetheblackinwanpass，\"gigglesoutanothergentlmn;andtherewassuchahinterchangeofcomplimentsasyouneverheerd。Ipassthemoverthough，becausesomeof’emwerenotwerygenteel。
\"Law，miss，\"saidI，\"whatshallIdo？Mymasterwillneverforgiveme;andIhaven’tasinglesixpencetopayacoach。\"MissBetsywasjustgoingtocallonewhenIsaidthat;butthecoachmanwouldn’thaveitatthatprice，hesaid，andIknewverywellthatSHEhadn’tfourorfiveshillingstopayforawehicle。So，inthemidstofthattarinrain，atmidnight，wehadtowalkfourmiles，fromWestminsterBridgetoPentonwille;andwhatwaswuss，IDIDN’T
HAPPENTOKNOWTHEWAY。Averynicewalkitwas，andnomistake。
Atabouthalf—pasttwo，wegotsafetoJohnStreet。Mymasterwasatthegardengate。MissMaryflewintoMissBetsy’sarms，whilemasterbeguncussinandswearingatmefordisobeyinghisorders，andTURNINGTOTHERIGHTINSTEADOFTOTHELEFT！Lawblessme！hishactingofhangerwasverynearasnatralandasterryblasMr。
Cartlich’sintheplay。
Theyhadwaitedhalfanhour，hesaid，inthefly，inthelittlestreetattheleftofthetheater;theyhaddroveupanddowninthegreatestfrightpossible;andatlastcamehome，thinkingitwasinvaintowaitanymore。Theygaveher’otrum—and—waterandroastoystersforsupper，andthisconsoledheralittle。
IhopenobodywillcastanimputationonMissMaryforHERshareinthisadventer，forshewasashonestagalaseverlived，andIdobelieveishignoranttothisdayofourlittlestrattygim。Besides，all’sfairinlove;and，asmymastercouldnevergettoseeheralone，onaccountofherinfernalelevensistersandma，hetookthisopportunityofexpressinhisattachmenttoher。
Ifhewasinlovewithherbefore，youmaybesureshepaidithimbackagainnow。EverafterthenightatAshley’s，theywereastenderastwotuttle—doves——whichfullyaccountsfortheaxdentwhathappenedtome，inbeingkickedoutoftheroom：andincourseIborenomallis。
Idon’tknowwhetherMissBetsystillfanciedthatmymasterwasinlovewithher，butshelovedmuffingsandtea，andkemdowntohisparlorasmuchasever。
Nowcomesthesing’larpartofmyhistory。
CHAPTERII。
Butwhowasthisgenlmnwithafinename——Mr。FredericAltamont？orwhatwashe？ThemostmysterusgenlmnthateverIknew。OnceI
saidtohimonaweryrainyday，\"Sir，shallIbringthegigdowntoyouroffice？\"andhegavemeoneofhisblacklooksandoneofhisloudesthoaths，andtoldmetomindmyownbizziness，andattendtomyorders。Anotherday，——itwasonthedaywhenMissMaryslappedMissBetsy’sface，——MissM。，whoadoaredhim，asI
havesaidalready，keponaskinghimwhatwashisbuth，parentidg，andediccation。\"DearFrederic，\"saysshe，\"whythismistryaboutyourselfandyourhactions？whyhidefromyourlittleMary\"——theywereastenderasthis，Icantellyou——\"yourbuthandyourprofessin？\"
IsposeMr。Fredericlookedblack，forIwasONLYlistening，andhesaid，inavoicehagitatedbyemotion，\"Mary，\"saidhe，\"ifyouloveme，askmethisnomore：letitbesfishntforyoutoknowthatIamahonestman，andthatasecret，whatitwouldbemiseryforyoutolarn，musthangoverallmyactions——thatisfromteno’clocktillsix。\"
Theywentonchaffinandtalkinginthismelumcollyandmysterusway，andIdidn’tloseawordofwhattheysaid;forthemhousesinPentonwillehaveonlywallsmadeofpasteboard，andyouhearraytherbetteroutsidetheroomthanin。But，thoughhekepuphissecret，hesworetoherhisaffektionthisdaypintblank。Nothingshouldpreventhim，hesaid，fromleadinghertothehalter，frommakinherhisadoarablewife。Afterthiswasaslightsilence。
\"DearestFrederic，\"mummeredoutmiss，speakinasifshewaschokin，\"Iamyours——yoursforever。\"Andthensilenceagen，andoneortwosmax，asiftherewaskissingoingon。HereIthoughtitbesttogivearattleatthedoor—lock;for，asIlive，therewasoldMrs。Shuma—walkindownthestairs！
Itappearsthatoneoftheyoungergals，a—lookingoutofthebed—
rumwindow，hadseenmymastercomein，andcomingdowntoteahalfanhourafterwards，saidsoinacussaryway。OldMrs。Shum，whowasadragonofvertyou，cambustlingdownthestairs，pantingandfrowning，asfatandasfierceasaoldsowatfeedintime。
\"Where’sthelodger，fellow？\"saysshetome。
Ispokeloudenoughtobehearddownthestreet——\"Ifyoumean，ma’am，mymaster，Mr。FredericAltamont，esquire，he’sjuststeptin，andisputtinoncleanshoesinhisbedroom。\"
Shesaidnothinkinanswer，butflumpspastme，andopeningtheparlor—door，seesmasterlookingveryqueer，andMissMarya—
droopingdownherheadlikeapalelily。
\"Didyoucomeintomyfamly，\"saysshe，\"tocorruptmydaughters，andtodestroythehinnocenceofthatinfamousgal？Didyoucomehere，sir，asaseducer，oronlyasalodger？Speak，sir，speak！\"——
andshefoldedherarmsquitefierce，andlookedlikeMrs。SiddumsintheTragicMews。
\"Icamehere，Mrs。Shum，\"saidhe，\"becauseIlovedyourdaughter，orIneverwouldhavecondescendedtoliveinsuchabeggarlyhole。
Ihavetreatedherineveryrespectlikeagenlmn，andsheisasinnocentnow，ma’m，asshewaswhenshewasborn。Ifshe’llmarryme，Iamready;ifshe’llleaveyou，sheshallhaveahomewheresheshallbeneitherbullydnorstarved：nohangryfrumpsofsisters，nocrossmother—in—law，onlyanaffeckshnathusband，andallthepurepleasuresofHyming。\"
Maryflungherselfintohisarms——\"Dear，dearFrederic，\"saysshe，\"I’llneverleaveyou。\"
\"Miss，\"saysMrs。Shum，\"youain’taSlamcoenoryetaBuckmaster，thankGod。Youmaymarrythispersonifyourpathinksproper，andhemayinsultme——braveme——trampleonmyfeelinxinmyownhouse——
andthere’sno—o—o—obodybytodefendme。\"
Iknewwhatshewasgoingtobeat：oncameherhistarrixagen，andshebeganscreechinandroaringlikemad。DowncomesofcoursetheelevengalsandoldShum。Therewasaprettyrow。\"Lookhere，sir，\"saysshe，\"attheconduckofyourprecioustrullofadaughter——alonewiththisman，kissinanddandlin，andLawdknowswhatbesides。\"
\"What，he？\"criesMissBetsy——\"heinlovewithMary。Oh，thewretch，themonster，thedeceiver！\"——andshefallsdowntoo，screechingawayasloudashermamma;forthesillycreaturefanciedstillthatAltamonthadafondnessforher。
\"SILENCETHESEWOMEN！\"shoutsoutAltamont，thunderingloud。\"I
loveyourdaughter，Mr。Shum。Iwilltakeherwithoutapenny，andcanaffordtokeepher。Ifyoudon’tgivehertome，she’llcomeofherownwill。Isthatenough？——mayIhaveher？\"
\"We’lltalkofthismatter，sir，\"saysMr。Shum，lookingashighandmightyasanalderman。\"Gals，goupstairswithyourdearmamma。\"——Andtheyalltroopedupagain，andsotheskrimmageended。
YoumaybesurethatoldShumwasnotverysorrytogetahusbandforhisdaughterMary，fortheoldcreaturlovedherbetterthanallthepackwhichhadbeenbroughthimorborntohimbyMrs。
Buckmaster。But，strangetosay，whenhecametotalkofsettlementsandsoforth，notawordwouldmymasteranswer。Hesaidhemadefourhundredayearreglar——hewouldn’ttellhow——butMary，ifshemarriedhim，mustshareallthathehad，andasknoquestions;onlythishewouldsay，ashe’dsaidbefore，thathewasahonestman。
Theyweremarriedinafewdays，andtookaverygenteelhouseatIslington;butstillmymasterwentawaytobusiness，andnobodyknewwhere。Whocouldhebe？
CHAPTERIII。
Ifeverayoungkippleinthemiddlinclassesbeganlifewithachanceofhappiness，itwasMr。andMrs。FredericAltamont。TherehouseatCannonRow，Islington，wasascomfortableashousecouldbe。Carpitedfromtoptoto;pore’sratessmall;furniturelygant;
andthreedeomestix：ofwhichI，incourse，wasone。Mylifewasn’tsoeasyasinMr。A。’sbachelordays;but，whatthen？ThethreeW’sismymaxum：plentyofwork，plentyofwittles，andplentyofwages。Altamontkephisgignolonger，butwenttothecityinanomlibuster。
Onewouldhavethought，Isay，thatMrs。A。，withsuchaneffeckshnuthusband，mighthavebeenashappyasherblessidmajisty。Nothingofthesort。Forthefustsixmonthsitwasallverywell;butthenshegrewgloomierandgloomier，thoughA。dideverythinkinlifetopleaseher。
OldShumusedtocomereglarlyfourtimesawicktoCannonRow，wherehelunched，anddined，andteed，andsupd。Theporelittlemanwasathoughttoofondofwineandspirits;andmanyandmany’sthenightthatI’vehadtosupporthimhome。AndyoumaybesurethatMissBetsydidnotnowdeserthersister：shewasatourplacemornink，noon，andnight;notmuchtomymayster’sliking，thoughhewastoogood—naturedtowexhiswifeintrifles。
ButBetsyneverhadforgottentherecollectionofolddays，andhatedAltamontlikethefoulfeind。Sheputallkindofbadthingsintotheheadofpoorinnocentmissis;who，frombeingallgayetyandcheerfulness，grewtobequitemelumcollyandpale，andretchid，justasifshehadbeenthemostmisrablewomanintheworld。
Inthreemonthsmore，ababycomes，incourse，andwithitoldMrs。
Shum，whostucktoMrs。’sideascloseasawampire，andmadeherretchiderandretchider。SheusedtobustintotearswhenAltamontcamehome：sheusedtosighandwheepovertheporechild，andsay，\"Mychild，mychild，yourfatherisfalsetome;\"or，\"yourfatherdeceivesme;\"or\"whatwillyoudowhenyourporemotherisnomore？\"orsuchlikesentimentalstuff。
ItallcamefromMotherShum，andheroldtrix，asIsoonfoundout。Thefactis，whenthereisamistryofthiskindinthehouse，itsaservant’sDUTYtolisten;andlistenIdid，onedaywhenMrs。wascryinasusual，andfatMrs。Shumasittinconsolinher，asshecalledit：though，heavenknows，sheonlygrewwussandwussfortheconsolation。
Well，Ilistened;Mrs。Shumwasa—rockinthebaby，andmissiscryinasyousual。
\"Poredearinnocint，\"saysMrs。S。，heavinagreatsigh，\"you’rethechildofaunknownfatherandamisrablemother。\"
\"Don’tspeakillofFrederic，mamma，\"saysmissis;\"heisallkindnesstome。\"
\"Allkindness，indeed！yes，hegivesyouafinehouse，andafinegownd，andarideinaflywheneveryouplease;butWHEREDOESALL
HISMONEYCOMEFROM？Whoishe——whatishe？Whoknowsthathemayn’tbeamurderer，orahousebreaker，orauttererofforgednotes？Howcanhemakehismoneyhonestly，whenhewon’tsaywherehegetsit？Whydoesheleaveyoueighthourseveryblessidday，andwon’tsaywherehegoesto？Oh，Mary，Mary，youarethemostinjuredofwomen！\"
AndwiththisMrs。Shumbegansobbin;andMissBetsybeganyowlinglikeacatinagitter;andporemissiscried，too——tearsissoremarkableinfeckshus。
\"Perhaps，mamma，\"wimperedoutshe，\"Fredericisashop—boy，anddon’tlikemetoknowthatheisnotagentleman。\"
\"Ashopboy，\"saysBetsy，\"heashopboy！Ono，no，no！morelikelyawretchedwillainofamurderer，stabbinandrobingallday，andfeedinyouwiththefruitsofhisill—gottengames！\"
Morecryingandscreechinheretookplace，inwhichthebabyjoined;andmadeaveryprettyconsort，Icantellyou。
\"Hecan’tbearobber，\"criesmissis;\"he’stoogood，tookind，forthat：besides，murderingisdoneatnight，andFredericisalwayshomeateight。\"
\"Buthecanbeaforger，\"saysBetsy，\"awicked，wickedFORGER。
Whydoeshegoawayeveryday？toforgenotes，tobesure。Whydoeshegotothecity？tobenearbanksandplaces，andsodoitmoreathisconvenience。\"
\"Buthebringshomeasumofmoneyeveryday——aboutthirtyshillings——sometimesfifty：andthenhesmiles，andsaysit’sagoodday’swork。Thisisnotlikeaforger，\"saidporeMrs。A。
\"Ihaveit——Ihaveit！\"screamsoutMrs。S。\"Thevillain——thesneaking，double—facedJonas！he’smarriedtosomebodyelseheis，andthat’swhyheleavesyou，thebasebiggymist！\"
Atthis，Mrs。Altamont，struckallofaheap，faintedcleanaway。
Adreadfulbusinessitwas——hystarrix;thenhystarrix，incourse，fromMrs。Shum;bellsringin，childsqualin，suvvantstearinupanddownstairswithhotwater！Ifeverthereisanoosanceintheworld，it’sahousewherefaintainisalwaysgoinon。Iwouldn’tliveinone，——no，nottobegroomofthechambers，andgittwohundredayear。
Itwaseighto’clockintheeveninwhenthisrowtookplace;andsucharowitwas，thatnobodybutmeheardmaster’sknock。Hecamein，andheardthehooping，andscreeching，androaring。Heseemedverymuchfrightenedatfirst，andsaid，\"Whatisit？\"
\"Mrs。Shum’shere，\"saysI，\"andMrs。inastarrix。\"
Altamontlookedasblackasthunder，andgrowledoutawordwhichI
don’tliketoname，——letitsufficethatitbeginswithaDandendswithaNATION;andhetoreupstairslikemad。
Hebustopenthebedroomdoor;missislayquitepaleandstonyonthesofy;thebabbywasscreechinfromthecraddle;MissBetsywassprawlinovermissis;andMrs。Shumhalfonthebedandhalfontheground：allhowlinandsqueelin，likesomanydogsatthemoond。
WhenA。camein，themotheranddaughterstoppedallofasudding。
Therehadbeenoneortwotiffsbeforebetweenthem，andtheyfearedhimasifhehadbeenahogre。
\"What’sthisinfernalscreechingandcryingabout？\"sayshe。\"Oh，Mr。Altamont，\"criestheoldwoman，\"youknowtoowell;it’saboutyouthatthisdarlingchildismisrabble！\"
\"Andwhyaboutme，pray，madam？\"
\"Why，sir，dareyouaskwhy？Becauseyoudeceiveher，sir;becauseyouareafalse，cowardlytraitor，sir;becauseYOUHAVEAWIFE
ELSEWHERE，SIR！\"AndtheoldladyandMissBetsybegantoroaragainasloudasever。
Altamontpawsedforaminnit，andthenflungthedoorwideopen;
nexheseizedMissBetsyasifhishandwereavice，andheworldheroutoftheroom;thenuphegoestoMrs。S。\"Getup，\"sayshe，thunderingloud，\"youlazy，trolloping，mischsef—making，lyingoldfool！Getup，andgetoutofthishouse。Youhavebeenthecussandbainofmyhappynisssinceyouenteredit。Withyourd————dlies，andnovvlerending，andhisterrix，youhaveperwertedMary，andmadeheralmostasmadasyourself。\"
\"Mychild！mychild！\"shriexoutMrs。Shum，andclingsroundmissis。ButAltamontranbetweenthem，andgripingtheoldladybyherarm，draggedhertothedoor。\"Followyourdaughter，ma’m，\"
sayshe，anddownshewent。\"CHAWLS，SEETHOSELADIESTOTHE
DOOR，\"hehollowsout，\"andneverletthempassitagain。\"Wewalkeddowntogether，andofftheywent：andmasterlockedanddouble—lockedthebedroomdoorafterhim，intendin，ofcourse，tohaveatator—tator（astheysay）withhiswife。YoumaybesurethatIfollowedupstairsagainprettyquick，toheartheresultoftheirconfidence。
AstheysayatSt。Stevenses，itwasraytherastormydebate。
\"Mary，\"saysmaster，\"you’renolongerthemerrygreatfulgalI
knewandlovedatPentonwill：there’ssomesecretapressinonyou——
there’snosmilinwelcomformenow，asthereusedformlytobe！
Yourmotherandsister—in—lawhaveperwertedyou，Mary：andthat’swhyI’vedrovethemfromthishouse，whichtheyshallnotre—enterinmylife。\"
\"O，Frederic！it’sYOUisthecause，andnotI。Whydoyouhaveanymistryfromme？Wheredoyouspendyourdays？Whydidyouleaveme，evenonthedayofyourmarridge，foreighthours，andcontinuetodosoeveryday？\"
\"Because，\"sayshe，\"Imakesmylivelihoodbyit。Ileaveyou，anddon’ttellyouHOWImakeit：foritwouldmakeyounonethehappiertoknow。\"
Itwasinthiswaytheconvysationrenon——moretearsandquestionsonmymissisespart，moresturmnessandsilenceonmymaster’s：itendedforthefirsttimesincetheirmarridge，inareglarquarrel。
Werydifrent，Icantellyou，fromallthehammerousbillingandkewingwhichhadproceededtheirnupshuls。
Masterwentout，slammingthedoorinafury;aswellhemight。
Sayshe，\"IfIcan’thaveacomforablelife，Icanhaveajollyone;\"andsohewentofftothehedtavern，andcamehomethateveningbeeslyintawsicated。Whenhighwordsbegininafamilydrinkgenerallyfollowsonthegenlman’sside;andthen，fearwelltoallconjubialhappyniss！Thesetwopipple，sofondandloving，werenowsirly，silent，andfullofilwil。Masterwentoutearlier，andcamehomelater;missiscriedmore，andlookedevenpalerthanbefore。
Well，thingswentoninthisuncomfortableway，masterstillinthemopes，missistemptedbythedeamonsofjellosyandcurosity;untilasinglaraxidentbroughttolightallthegoingsonofMr。
Altamont。
ItwasthetenthofJanuary;Irecklecttheday，foroldShumgevmehalfacrownd（thefustandlastofhismoneyIeversee，bytheway）：hewasdiningalongwithmaster，andtheyweremakingmerrytogether。
Mastersaid，ashewasmixinghisfifthtumlerofpunchandlittleShumhistwelfthorso——mastersaid，\"IseeyoutwiceintheCityto—day，Mr。Shum。\"
\"Well，that’scurous！\"saysShum。\"IWASintheCity。To—day’sthedaywhenthedivvydins（Godbless’em）ispaid;andmeandMrs。
S。wentforourhalf—year’sinkem。Butweonlygotoutofthecoach，crossedthestreettotheBank，tookourmoney，andgotinagen。Howcouldyouseemetwice？\"
Altamontstutteredandstammeredandhemd，andhawd。\"O！\"sayshe，\"Iwaspassing——passingasyouwentinandout。\"Andheinstantlyturnedtheconversation，andbegantalkingaboutpollytix，ortheweather，orsomesuchstuff。
\"Yes，mydear，\"saidmymissis，\"buthowcouldyouseepapaTWICE？\"
Masterdidn’tanswer，buttalkedpollytixmorethanever。Stillshewouldcontinyon。\"Wherewasyou，mydear，whenyousawpa？
Whatwereyoudoing，mylove，toseepatwice？\"andsoforth。
Masterlookedangrierandangrier，andhiswifeonlypressedhimwussandwuss。
Thiswas，asIsaid，littleShum’stwelfthtumler;andIknewprittywellthathecouldgitverylittlefurther;for，asreglarasthethirteenthcame，Shumwasdrunk。Thethirteenthdidcome，anditsconsquinzes。IwasobligedtoleedhimhometoJohnStreet，whereIlefthiminthehangryarmsofMrs。Shum。
\"Howthed——，\"saydhealltheway，\"howthed—dd——thededdy——
deddy——devil——couldhehaveseenmeTWICE？\"
CHAPTERIV。
ItwasasadsliponAltamont’spart，fornosoonerdidhegooutthenextmorningthanmissiswentouttoo。Shetordownthestreet，andneverstoppedtillshecametoherpa’shouseatPentonwill。Shewasclositidforanhourwithherma，andwhenshelefthershedrovestraighttotheCity。ShewalkedbeforetheBank，andbehindtheBank，androundtheBank：shecamehomedisperryted，havinglearnednothink。
AnditwasnowanextraordinarythingthatfromShum’shouseforthenexttendaystherewasnothingbutexpyditionsintothecity。
Mrs。S。，thoherdropsiclelegshadnevercarredherhalfsofurbefore，waseternallyonthekeyveve，astheFrenchsay。Ifshedidn’tgo，MissBetsydid，ormissesdid：theyseemedtohaveanattrackshuntotheBank，andwentthereasnatralasanomlibus。
Atlastoneday，oldMrs。Shumcomestoourhouse——（shewasn’tadmittedwhenmasterwasthere，butcamestillinhisabsints）——
andsheworeahairoftryumph，assheentered。\"Mary，\"saysshe，\"whereisthemoneyyourhusbindbroughttoyouyesterday？\"Mymasterusedalwaystogiveittomissiswhenhereturned。
\"Themoney，ma！\"saysMary。\"Whyhere！\"Andpullingoutherpuss，sheshowedasovrin，agoodheapofsilver，andanodd—lookinglittlecoin。
\"THAT’SIT！that’sit！\"criedMrs。S。\"AQueeneAnne’ssixpence，isn’tit，dear——datedseventeenhundredandthree？\"
Itwassosureenough：aQueenAnssixpenceofthatverydate。
\"Now，mylove，\"saysshe，\"Ihavefoundhim！Comewithmeto—
morrow，andyoushallKNOWALL！\"
Andnowcomestheendofmystory……
TheladiesnexmorningsetoutfortheCity，andIwalkedbehind，doingthegenteelthing，withanosegyandagooldstick。WewalkeddowntheNewRoad——wewalkeddowntheCityRoad——wewalkedtotheBank。WewerecrossingfromthatheddyfiztotheothersideofCornhill，whenallofasuddenmississhreeked，andfaintedspontaceouslyaway。
Irushedforrard，andraisedhertomyarms：spilingtherebyanewweskitandapairofcrimsonsmalcloes。Irushedforrard。Isay，verynearlyknockingdowntheoldsweeperwhowashobblingawayasfastasposibil。WetookhertoBirch’s;weprovidedherwithahackney—coachandeverylucksury，andcarriedherhometoIslington……
Thatnightmasternevercamehome。Northenexnight，northenex。