Idon’tknowhowtodescribeit。PleaseaskBurcottoletmeofftheantequariancongress。IfeelIshoulddoitbadly。IamsothankfulhehasNOrelatives——inEngland。IshouldhavebeensoTERRIBLYnervous。TwelvehoursagoIcouldnothaveDREAMTofit,andnowIwalkontiptoeforfearofwakingup。DidIleavemychinchillaatyourrooms?Don’tbeangrywithme。IshouldhavetoldyouifIhadknown。Inhaste。Yours,Mary。\"
\"It’sdatedfromMaryleboneRoad,andyesterdayafternoonshedidleaveherchinchillainmyrooms,whichmakesmethinkitreallymustbefromMaryRamsbotham。OtherwiseIshouldhavemydoubts,\"
addedMissFossett,asshefoldeduptheletterandreplaceditinherbag。
\"Idislove!\"wastheexplanationofDr。WilliamSmith,hisround,redfaceilluminatedwithpoeticecstasy。\"Lovehasgonetoher——
hasdransformedheronceagainintotheleedlemaid。\"
\"Love,\"retortedSusanFossett,\"doesn’ttransformanintelligent,educatedwomanintoapersonwhowritesaletterallinjerks,underlineseveryotherword,spellsantiquarianwithan’e,’andBurcott’sname,whomshehasknownforthelasteightyears,withonlyone’t。’Thewomanhasgonestark,staringmad!\"
\"Wemustwaituntilwehaveseenhim,\"wasPeter’sjudiciousview。
\"Ishouldbesogladtothinkthatthedearladywashappy。\"
\"SoshouldI,\"addedMissFossettdrily。
\"OneofthemostsensiblewomenIhaveevermet,\"commentedWilliamClodd。\"Luckyman,whoeverheis。HalfwishI’dthoughtofitmyself。\"
\"Iamnotsayingthatheisn’t,\"retortedMissFossett。\"Itisn’thimI’mworryingabout。\"
\"Ipreesumeyoumean’he,’\"suggestedtheWeeLaddie。\"Theverb’tobe’——\"
\"Forgoodness’sake,\"suggestedMissFossetttoTommy,\"givethatmansomethingtoeatordrink。That’stheworstofpeoplewhotakeupgrammarlateinlife。Likeallconverts,theybecomefanatical。\"
\"She’sarippinggoodsort,isMaryRamsbotham,\"exclaimedGrindleyjunior,printerandpublisherofGoodHumour。\"Themarveltomeisthatnomanhithertohaseverhadthesensetowanther。\"
\"Oh,youmen!\"criedMissFossett。\"Aprettyfaceandanemptyheadisallyouwant。\"
\"Musttheyalwaysgotogether?\"laughedMrs。Grindleyjunior,neeHelvetiaAppleyard。
\"Exceptionsprovetherule,\"gruntedMissFossett。
\"Whatahappysayingthatis,\"smiledMrs。Grindleyjunior。\"I
wondersometimeshowconversationwasevercarriedonbeforeitwasinvented。\"
\"DemanwhowouldfallinlovewidourdearfrentMary,\"thoughtDr。Smith,\"hemustbequiteegsceptional。\"
\"Youneedn’ttalkaboutherasifshewasamonster——Imeanwere,\"
correctedherselfMissFossett,withahastyglancetowardstheWeeLaddie。\"Thereisn’tamanIknowthat’sworthyofher。\"
\"Imean,\"explainedthedoctor,\"dathemustbeamanofcharacter—
—ofbrain。Idisdenoblemandatisattractedbydenoblewoman。\"
\"Bythechorus—girlmoreoften,\"suggestedMissFossett。
\"Wemusthopeforthebest,\"counselledPeter。\"Icannotbelievethataclever,capablewomanlikeMaryRamsbothamwouldmakeafoolofherself。\"
\"FromwhatIhaveseen,\"repliedMissFossett,\"it’sjustthecleverpeople——asregardsthisparticularmatter——whodomakefoolsofthemselves。\"
UnfortunatelyMissFossett’sjudgmentprovedtobecorrect。OnbeingintroducedafortnightlatertoMissRamsbotham’sfiance,theimpulseofBohemiawastoexclaim,\"GreatScott!Whateverinthenameof——\"ThenoncatchingsightofMissRamsbotham’stransfiguredfaceandtremblinghandsBohemiarecollecteditselfintimetomurmurinstead:\"Delighted,I’msure!\"andtooffermechanicalcongratulations。ReginaldPeterswasaprettybutremarkablyfoolish—lookingladofabouttwo—and—twenty,withcurlyhairandrecedingchin;buttoMissRamsbothamevidentlyapromisingApollo。Herfirstmeetingwithhimhadtakenplaceatoneofthemanypoliticaldebatingsocietiestheninfashion,attendanceatwhichMissRamsbothamfoundusefulforpurposesofjournalistic\"copy。\"MissRamsbotham,hithertoaRadicalofpronouncedviews,hehadsucceededunderthreemonthsinconvertingintoastrongsupporteroftheGentlemanlyParty。Hisfeeblepoliticalplatitudes,whichalittlewhilebeforeshewouldhaveseizeduponmerrilytoridicule,shenowsatdrinkingin,herplainfacesuffusedwithadmiration。Awayfromhimandinconnectionwiththosesubjects——somewhatnumerous——aboutwhichheknewlittleandcaredless,sheretainedhersenseandhumour;butinhispresencesheremainedcomparativelyspeechless,gazingupintohissomewhatwateryeyeswiththegratefulexpressionofonelearningwisdomfromamaster。
Herabsurdadoration——irritatingbeyondmeasuretoherfriends,andwhicheventoherlover,hadhepossessedagrainofsense,wouldhaveappearedridiculous——toMasterPeterswasevidentlyagratification。Ofselfish,exactingnature,hemusthavefoundtheservicesofthisbrilliantwomanoftheworldofmuchpracticaladvantage。KnowingallthemostinterestingpeopleinLondon,itwasherprideandpleasuretointroducehimeverywhere。Herfriendsputupwithhimforhersake;topleasehermadehimwelcome,didtheirbesttolikehim,anddisguisedtheirfailure。
Thefreeentrytoaplacesofamusementsavedhislimitedpurse。
Herinfluence,hehadinstinctenoughtoperceive,couldnotfailtobeofusetohiminhisprofession:thatofabarrister。Shepraisedhimtoprominentsolicitors,tookhimtoteawithjudges’
wives,interestedexaminersonhisbehalf。Inreturnheoverlookedhermanydisadvantages,anddidnotfailtoletherknowit。MissRamsbotham’sgratitudewasboundless。
\"IdosowishIwereyoungerandbetterlooking,\"shesighedtothebosomfriend。\"Formyself,Idon’tmind;Ihavegotusedtoit。
ButitissohardonReggie。Hefeelsit,Iknowhedoes,thoughheneveropenlycomplains。\"
\"Hewouldbeacadifhedid,\"answeredSusanFossett,whohavingtriedconscientiouslyforamonthtotoleratethefellow,hadintheenddeclaredherinabilityeventodomorethanavoidopenexpressionofcordialdislike。\"AddedtowhichIdon’tquiteseeofwhatuseitwouldbe。Younevertoldhimyouwereyoungandpretty,didyou?\"
\"Itoldhim,mydear,\"repliedMissRamsbotham,\"theactualtruth。
Idon’twanttotakeanycreditfordoingso;itseemedthebestcourse。Yousee,unfortunately,Ilookmyage。Withmostmenitwouldhavemadeadifference。Youhavenoideahowgoodheis。Heassuredmehehadengagedhimselftomewithhiseyesopen,andthattherewasnoneedtodwelluponunpleasanttopics。Itissowonderfultomethatheshouldcareforme——hewhocouldhavehalfthewomeninLondonathisfeet。\"
\"Yes,he’sthetypethatwouldattractthem,Idaresay,\"agreedSusanFossett。\"Butareyouquitesurethathedoes?——careforyou,Imean。\"
\"Mydear,\"returnedMissRamsbotham,\"yourememberRochefoucauld’sdefinition。’Oneloves,theotherconsentstobeloved。’IfhewillonlyletmedothatIshallbecontent。ItismorethanIhadanyrighttoexpect。\"
\"Oh,youareafool,\"toldherbluntlyherbosomfriend。
\"IknowIam,\"admittedMissRamsbotham;\"butIhadnoideathatbeingafoolwassodelightful。\"
Bohemiagrewdaybydaymoreindignantandamazed。YoungPeterswasnotevenagentleman。Allthelittleofficesofcourtshiphelefttoher。Itwasshewhohelpedhimonwithhiscoat,andafterwardsadjustedherowncloak;shewhocarriedtheparcel,shewhofollowedintoandoutoftherestaurant。Onlywhenhethoughtanyonewaswatchingwouldhemakeanyattempttobehavetoherwithevenordinarycourtesy。Hebulliedher,contradictedherinpublic,ignoredheropenly。Bohemiafumedwithimpotentrage,yetwasboundtoconfessthatsofarasMissRamsbothamherselfwasconcernedhehaddonemoretomakeherhappythanhadeverallBohemiaputtogether。Atenderlighttookupitsdwellinginhereyes,whichforthefirsttimeitwasnoticedweresingularlydeepandexpressive。Theblood,ofwhichshepossessedifanythingtoomuch,nowcameandwent,sothathercheeks,inplaceoftheirinsistentred,tookonavariedpinkandwhite。Lifehadenteredherthickdarkhair,givingtoitshadeandshadow。
Thewomanbegantogrowyounger。Sheputonflesh。Sex,hithertodormant,begantoshowitself;femininitiespeepedout。Newtones,suggestingpossibilities,creptintohervoice。Bohemiacongratulateditselfthattheaffair,afterall,mightturnoutwell。
ThenMasterPetersspoiledeverythingbyshowingabettersidetohisnature,and,carelessofallworldlyconsiderations,fallinginlovehimself,honestly,withagirlatthebunshop。Hedidthebestthingunderthecircumstancesthathecouldhavedone:toldMissRamsbothamtheplaintruth,andleftthedecisioninherhands。
MissRamsbothamactedasanyonewhoknewherwouldhaveforetold。
Possibly,inthesilenceofherdelightfullittlefour—roomedflatoverthetailor’sshopinMaryleboneRoad,hersober,worthymaiddismissedforaholiday,shemayhaveshedsometears;but,ifso,notraceofthemwasallowedtomarthepeaceofmindofMr。
Peters。Shemerelythankedhimforbeingfrankwithher,andbyalittlepresentpainsavingthembothafutureofdisaster。Itwasquiteunderstandable;sheknewhehadneverreallybeeninlovewithher。Shehadthoughthimthetypeofmanthatneverdoesfallinlove,asthewordisgenerallyunderstood——MissRamsbothamdidnotadd,withanyoneexcepthimself——andhadthatbeenthecase,andhecontentmerelytobeloved,theymighthavebeenhappytogether。Asitwas——well,itwasfortunatehehadfoundoutthetruthbeforeitwastoolate。Now,wouldhetakeheradvice?
Mr。Peterswasgenuinelygrateful,aswellhemightbe,andwouldconsenttoanysuggestionthatMissRamsbothammightmake;felthehadbehavedshabbily,wasverymuchashamedofhimself,wouldbeguidedinallthingsbyMissRamsbotham,whomheshouldalwaysregardasthetruestoffriends,andsoon。
MissRamsbotham’ssuggestionwasthis:Mr。Peters,nomorerobustofbodythanofmind,hadbeenspeakingforsometimepastoftravel。Havingnothingtodonowbuttowaitforbriefs,whynottakethisopportunityofvisitinghisonlywell—to—dorelative,aCanadianfarmer。Meanwhile,letMissPeggyleavethebunshopandtakeupherresidenceinMissRamsbotham’sflat。Lettherebenoengagement——merelyanunderstanding。Thegirlwaspretty,charming,good,MissRamsbothamfeltsure;but——well,alittleeducation,alittletraininginmannersandbehaviourwouldnotbeamiss,wouldit?If,onreturningattheendofsixmonthsorayear,Mr。Peterswasstillofthesamemind,andPeggyalsowishful,theaffairwouldbeeasier,woulditnot?
Therefollowedfurtherexpressionsofeternalgratitude。MissRamsbothamsweptallsuchaside。Itwouldbepleasanttohaveabrightyounggirltolivewithher;teaching,mouldingsuchanonewouldbeapleasantoccupation。
AndthusitcametopassthatMr。ReginaldPetersdisappearedforawhilefromBohemia,totheregretofbutfew,andthereenteredintoitonePeggyNutcombe,asprettyachildasevergladdenedtheeyeofman。Shehadwavy,flaxenhair,acomplexionthatmighthavebeenmanufacturedfromtheessenceofwildroses,thenosethatTennysonbestowsuponhismiller’sdaughter,andamouthworthyoftheLowtherArcadeinitsdaysofglory。Addtothisthequickgraceofakitten,withtheappealinghelplessnessofababyinitsfirstshortfrock,andyouwillbeabletoforgiveMr。
ReginaldPetershisfaithlessness。Bohemialookedfromonetotheother——fromthefairytothewoman——andceasedtoblame。Thatthefairywasasstupidasacamel,asselfishasapig,andaslazyasaniggerBohemiadidnotknow;nor——solongasherfigureandcomplexionremainedwhatitwas——woulditsjudgmenthavebeeninfluenced,evenifithad。IspeakoftheBohemianmale。
Butthatisjustwhatherfigureandcomplexiondidnotdo。Mr。
ReginaldPeters,findinghisuncleold,feeble,andinclinedtobefond,deemedittohisadvantagetostaylongerthanhehadintended。Twelvemonthswentby。MissPeggywaslosingherkittenishgrace,wasbecominglumpy。Acoupleofpimples——oneneartheright—handcornerofherrosebudmouth,andanotherontheleft—handsideofhertip—tiltednose——marredherbabyface。Attheendofanothersixmonthsthemencalledherplump,andthewomenfat。Herwalkwasdegeneratingintoawaddle;stairscausedhertogrunt。Shetooktobreathingwithhermouth,andBohemianoticedthatherteethweresmall,badlycoloured,anduneven。Thepimplesgrewinsizeandnumber。Thecreamandwhiteofhercomplexionwasmergingintoageneralyellow。Acertaingreasinessofskinwasmanifestingitself。BabyishwaysinconnectionwithawomanwhomusthaveweighedaboutelevenstonestruckBohemiaasincongruous。Hermanners,judgedalone,hadimproved。Buttheyhadnotimprovedher。Theydidnotbelongtoher;theydidnotfither。TheysatonherasSundaybroadclothonayokel。Shehadlearnedtoemployher\"h’s\"correctly,andtospeakgoodgrammar。
Thisgavetoherconversationapainfullyartificialair。Thelittlelearningshehadabsorbedwassufficienttobestowuponheranangryconsciousnessofherowninvincibleignorance。
Meanwhile,MissRamsbothamhadcontinueduponhercourseofrejuvenation。Attwenty—nineshehadlookedthirty—five;atthirty—twoshelookednotadayolderthanfive—and—twenty。
Bohemiafeltthatshouldsheretrogradefurtheratthesamerateshewouldsoonhavetoshortenherfrocksandletdownherhair。A
nervousexcitabilityhadtakenpossessionofherthatwasplayingstrangefreaksnotonlywithherbody,butwithhermind。Whatitgavetotheoneitseemedtotakefromtheother。Oldfriends,accustomedtoenjoywithhertheluxuryofplainspeech,wonderedinvainwhattheyhaddonetooffendher。Herdesirewasnowtowardsnewfriends,newfaces。Hersenseofhumourappearedtobedepartingfromher;itbecameunsafetojestwithher。Ontheotherhand,sheshowedherselfgreedyforadmirationandflattery。
Herformerchumssteppedbackastonishedtowatchbrainlessyoungfopsmakingtheirwaywithherbycomplimentingheruponherblouse,orwhisperingtohersometritenonsenseabouthereyelashes。Fromherworkshetookagoodpercentageofherbrainpowertobestowitonherclothes。Ofcourse,shewassuccessful。
Herdressessuitedher,showedhertothebestadvantage。
Beautifulshecouldneverbe,andhadsenseenoughtoknowit;butacharming,distinguished—lookingwomanshehadalreadybecome。
Also,shewasonthehighroadtobecomingavain,egotistical,commonplacewoman。
Itwasduringtheprocessofthis,hermetamorphosis,thatPeterHopeoneeveningreceivedanotefromherannouncingherintentionofvisitinghimthenextmorningattheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。Sheaddedinapostscriptthatshewouldprefertheinterviewtobeprivate。
PunctuallytothetimeappointedMissRamsbothamarrived。MissRamsbotham,contrarytohercustom,openedconversationwiththeweather。MissRamsbothamwasofopinionthattherewaseverypossibilityofrain。PeterHope’sexperiencewasthattherewasalwayspossibilityofrain。
\"HowisthePaperdoing?\"demandedMissRamsbotham。
ThePaper——forapapernotyettwoyearsold——wasdoingwell。\"Weexpectveryshortly——veryshortlyindeed,\"explainedPeterHope,\"toturnthecorner。\"
\"Ah!that’corner,’\"sympathisedMissRamsbotham。
\"Iconfess,\"smiledPeterHope,\"itdoesn’tseemtobeexactlyaright—angledcorner。Onereachesitasonethinks。Butittakessomegettinground——whatIshoulddescribeasacornerycorner。\"
\"Whatyouwant,\"thoughtMissRamsbotham,\"areoneortwopopularfeatures。\"
\"Popularfeatures,\"agreedPeterguardedly,scentingtemptation,\"arenottobedespised,providedonesteersclearofthevulgarandthecommonplace。\"
\"ALadies’Page!\"suggestedMissRamsbotham——\"apagethatshouldmakethewomanbuyit。Thewomen,believeme,aregoingtobeofmoreandmoreimportancetotheweeklypress。\"
\"Butwhyshouldshewantaspecialpagetoherself?\"demandedPeterHope。\"Whyshouldnotthepaperasawholeappealtoher?\"
\"Itdoesn’t,\"wasallMissRamsbothamcouldofferinexplanation。
\"Wegiveherliteratureandthedrama,poetry,fiction,thehigherpolitics,the——\"
\"Iknow,Iknow,\"interruptedMissRamsbotham,whooflate,amongotherfailingsnewtoher,haddevelopedatendencytowardsimpatience;\"butshegetsallthatinhalfadozenotherpapers。I
havethoughtitout。\"MissRamsbothamleanedfurtheracrosstheeditorialdeskandsunkhervoiceunconsciouslytoaconfidentialwhisper。\"Tellherthecomingfashions。Discussthequestionwhetherhatorbonnetmakesyoulooktheyounger。Tellherwhetherredhairorblackistobethenewcolour,whatsizewaistisbeingwornbythebestpeople。Oh,come!\"laughedMissRamsbothaminanswertoPeter’sshockedexpression;\"onecannotreformtheworldandhumannatureallatonce。Youmustappealtopeople’sfollyinordertogetthemtolistentoyourwisdom。Makeyourpaperasuccessfirst。Youcanmakeitapowerafterwards。\"
\"But,\"arguedPeter,\"therearealreadysuchpapers——papersdevotedto——tothatsortofthing,andtonothingelse。\"
\"Atsixpence!\"repliedthepracticalMissRamsbotham。\"Iamthinkingofthelowermiddle—classwomanwhohastwentypoundsayeartospendondress,andwhotakestwelvehoursadaytothinkaboutit,poorcreature。Mydearfriend,thereisafortuneinit。
Thinkoftheadvertisements。\"
PoorPetergroaned——oldPeter,thedreamerofdreams。ButforthoughtofTommy!onedaytobeleftalonetobattlewithastony—
eyed,deafworld,Petermostassuredlywouldhaveriseninhiswrath,wouldhavesaidtohisdistinguished—lookingtemptress,\"Gettheebehindme,MissRamsbotham。Myjournalisticinstinctwhisperstomethatyourscheme,judgedbythemammonofunrighteousness,isgood。Itisanewdeparture。TenyearshencehalftheLondonjournalswillhaveadoptedit。Thereismoneyinit。Butwhatofthat?ShallIformeredrosssellmyeditorialsoul,turnthetempleoftheMightyPenintoadenof——ofmilliners!Goodmorning,MissRamsbotham。Igrieveforyou。Igrieveforyouasforafellow—workeronceinspiredbydevotiontoanoblecalling,whohasfallenfromherhighestate。Goodmorning,madam。\"
SoPeterthoughtashesattattooingwithhisfinger—tipsuponthedesk;butonlysaid—
\"Itwouldhavetobewelldone。\"
\"Everythingwoulddependuponhowitwasdone,\"agreedMissRamsbotham。\"Badlydone,theideawouldbewasted。Youwouldbemerelygivingitawaytosomeotherpaper。\"
\"Doyouknowofanyone?\"queriedPeter。
\"Iwasthinkingofmyself,\"answeredMissRamsbotham。
\"Iamsorry,\"saidPeterHope。
\"Why?\"demandedMissRamsbotham。\"Don’tyouthinkIcoulddoit?\"
\"Ithink,\"saidPeter,\"noonecoulddoitbetter。Iamsorryyoushouldwishtodoit——thatisall。\"
\"Iwanttodoit,\"repliedMissRamsbotham,anoteofdoggednessinhervoice。
\"Howmuchdoyouproposetochargeme?\"Petersmiled。
\"Nothing。\"
\"Mydearlady——\"
\"Icouldnotinconscience,\"explainedMissRamsbotham,\"takepaymentfrombothsides。Iamgoingtomakeagooddealoutofit。
Iamgoingtomakeoutofitatleastthreehundredayear,andtheywillbegladtopayit。\"
\"Whowill?\"
\"Thedressmakers。IshallbeoneofthemoststylishwomeninLondon,\"laughedMissRamsbotham。
\"Youusedtobeasensiblewoman,\"Peterremindedher。
\"Iwanttolive。\"
\"Can’tyoumanagetodoitwithout——withoutbeingafool,mydear。\"
\"No,\"answeredMissRamsbotham,\"awomancan’t。I’vetriedit。\"
\"Verywell,\"agreedPeter,\"beitso。\"
Peterhadrisen。Helaidhisshapely,whiteoldhanduponthewoman’sshoulder。\"Tellmewhenyouwanttogiveitup。Ishallbeglad。\"
Thusitwasarranged。GoodHumourgainedcirculationand——ofmoreimportanceyet——advertisements;andMissRamsbotham,asshehadpredicted,thereputationofbeingoneofthebest—dressedwomeninLondon。HerreasonfordesiringsuchreputationPeterHopehadshrewdlyguessed。Twomonthslaterhissuspicionswereconfirmed。
Mr。ReginaldPeters,hisunclebeingdead,wasonhiswaybacktoEngland。
HisreturnwasawaitedwithimpatienceonlybytheoccupantsofthelittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad;andbetweenthesetwothedifferenceofsymptomwasmarked。MistressPeggy,toostupidtocomprehendthechangethathadbeentakingplaceinher,lookedforwardtoherlover’sarrivalwithdelight。Mr。ReginaldPeters,independentlyofhisprofession,wasinconsequenceofhisuncle’sdeathamanofmeans。MissRamsbotham’stutelage,whichhadalwaysbeendistastefultoher,wouldnowbeatanend。Shewouldbea\"lady\"inthetruesenseoftheword——accordingtoMissPeggy’sdefinition,awomanwithnothingtodobuteatanddrink,andnothingtothinkofbutdress。MissRamsbotham,ontheotherhand,whomighthaveanticipatedthehome—comingofherquondamadmirerwithhope,exhibitedastrangeconditionofalarmedmisery,whichincreasedfromdaytodayasthedatedrewnearer。
Themeeting——whetherbydesignoraccidentwasneverknown——tookplaceataneveningpartygivenbytheproprietorsofanewjournal。ThecircumstancewascertainlyunfortunateforpoorPeggy,whomBohemiabegantopity。Mr。Peters,knowingbothwomenwouldbethereandsoonthelook—out,sawinthedistanceamongthecrowdofnotabilitiesasuperblymillinered,tall,gracefulwoman,whosefacerecalledsensationshecouldnotforthemomentplace。Chieflynoticeableaboutherwereherexquisiteneckandarms,andtheairofperfectbreedingwithwhichshemoved,talkingandlaughing,throughthedistinguished,fashionablethrong。
Besideherstrutted,nervouslyaggressive,avulgar,fat,pimply,shapelessyoungwoman,attractinguniversalattentionbytheincongruityofherpresenceintheroom。Onbeinggreetedbythegracefulladyoftheneckandarms,theconvictionforceditselfuponhimthatthiscouldbenootherthantheonceMissRamsbotham,plainoffaceandindifferentofdress,whoseveryappearancehehadalmostforgotten。Onbeinggreetedgushinglyas\"Reggie\"bythesallow—complexioned,over—dressedyoungwomanhebowedwithevidentastonishment,andapologisedforamemorythat,soheassuredthelady,hadalwaysbeentohimasourceofdespair。
Ofcourse,hethankedhisstars——andMissRamsbotham——thattheengagementhadneverbeenformal。SofarasMr。Peterswasconcerned,therewasanendtoMistressPeggy’sdreamofanexistenceofeverlastingbreakfastsinbed。LeavingtheRamsbothamflat,shereturnedtothematernalroof,andthereacourseofhardworkandplainlivingtendedgreatlytoimproveherfigureandcomplexion;sothatincourseoftime,thegodssmilingagainuponher,shemarriedaforemanprinter,andpassesoutofthisstory。
Meanwhile,Mr。ReginaldPeters——older,andthepossessor,perhaps,ofmoresense——lookedatMissRamsbothamwithneweyes,andnownottoleratedbutdesiredher。Bohemiawaitedtoassistatthehappyterminationofaprettyandsomewhatnovelromance。MissRamsbothamhadshownnosignofbeingattractedelsewhere。
Flattery,compliment,shecontinuedtowelcome;butmerely,soitseemed,asfavourablecriticism。Suitorsmorefitandproperwerenownotlacking,forMissRamsbotham,thoughawomanlessdesirablewhenwon,camereadilytothethoughtofwooing。Buttoallsuchsheturnedalaughingface。
\"Ilikeherforit,\"declaredSusanFossett;\"andhehasimproved——
therewasroomforit——thoughIwishitcouldhavebeensomeother。
TherewasJackHerring——itwouldhavebeensomuchmoresuitable。
OrevenJoe,inspiteofhissize。Butit’sherwedding,notours;
andshewillnevercareforanyoneelse。\"
AndBohemiaboughtitspresents,andhadthemready,butnevergavethem。AfewmonthslaterMr。ReginaldPetersreturnedtoCanada,abachelor。MissRamsbothamexpressedherdesireforanotherprivateinterviewwithPeterHope。
\"ImayaswellkeepontheLettertoClorinda,\"thoughtMissRamsbotham。\"Ihavegotintotheknackofit。ButIwillgetyoutopaymeforitintheordinaryway。\"
\"Iwouldratherhavedonesofromthebeginning,\"explainedPeter。
\"Iknow。Icouldnotinconscience,asItoldyou,takefrombothsides。Forthefuture——well,theyhavesaidnothing;butIexpecttheyarebeginningtogettiredofit。\"
\"Andyou!\"questionedPeter。
\"Yes。Iamtiredofitmyself,\"laughedMissRamsbotham。\"Lifeisn’tlongenoughtobeawell—dressedwoman。\"
\"Youhavedonewithallthat?\"
\"Ihopeso,\"answeredMissRamsbotham。
\"Anddon’twanttotalkanymoreaboutit?\"suggestedPeter。
\"Notjustatpresent。Ishouldfinditsodifficulttoexplain。\"
Byothers,lesssympatheticthanoldPeter,vigorousattemptsweremadetosolvethemystery。MissRamsbothamtookenjoymentincleverlyevadingthesetormentors。Thwartedateverypoint,thegossipsturnedtootherthemes。MissRamsbothamfoundinterestonceagaininthehigherbranchesofhercalling;becameagain,byslowdegrees,thesensible,frank,’goodsort’thatBohemiahadknown,liked,respected——everythingbutloved。
Yearslater,toSusanFossett,thecasewasmadeclear;andthroughSusanFossett,aniceenoughwomanbuttalkative,thosefewstillinterestedlearnedtheexplanation。
\"Love,\"saidMissRamsbothamtothebosomfriend,\"isnotregulatedbyreason。Asyousay,thereweremanymenImighthavemarriedwithmuchmorehopeofhappiness。ButInevercaredforanyotherman。Hewasnotintellectual,wasegotistical,possiblyenoughselfish。Themanshouldalwaysbeolderthanthewoman;hewasyounger,andhewasaweakcharacter。YetIlovedhim。\"
\"Iamgladyoudidn’tmarryhim,\"saidthebosomfriend。
\"SoamI,\"agreedMissRamsbotham。
\"Ifyoucan’ttrustme,\"hadsaidthebosomfriendatthispoint,\"don’t。\"
\"Imeanttodoright,\"saidMissRamsbotham,\"uponmywordofhonourIdid,inthebeginning。\"
\"Idon’tunderstand,\"saidthebosomfriend。
\"Ifshehadbeenmyownchild,\"continuedMissRamsbotham,\"Icouldnothavedonemore——inthebeginning。Itriedtoteachher,toputsomesenseintoher。Lord!thehoursIwastedonthatlittleidiot!Imarvelatmyownpatience。Shewasnothingbutananimal。Ananimal!shehadonlyananimal’svices。Toeatanddrinkandsleepwasherideaofhappiness;heroneambitionmaleadmiration,andshehadn’tcharacterenoughtoputsufficientcurbuponherstomachtoretainit。Ireasonedwithher,Ipleadedwithher,Ibulliedher。HadIpersistedImighthavesucceededbysheerphysicalandmentalstrengthinrestrainingherfromruiningherself。Iwaswinning。Ihadmadeherfrightenedofme。HadI
goneon,Imighthavewon。Bydraggingheroutofbedinthemorning,byinsistinguponhertakingexercise,byregulatingeveryparticleoffoodanddrinksheputintohermouth,Ikeptthelittlebeastingoodconditionfornearlythreemonths。Then,I
hadtogoawayintothecountryforafewdays;shesworeshewouldobeymyinstructions。WhenIcamebackIfoundshehadbeeninbedmostofthetime,andhadbeenlivingchieflyonchocolateandcakes。Shewascurledupasleepinaneasy—chair,snoringwithhermouthwideopen,whenIopenedthedoor。Andatsightofthatpicturethedevilcametomeandtemptedme。WhyshouldIwastemytime,wearmyselfoutinmindandbody,thatthemanIlovedshouldmarryapigbecauseitlookedlikeanangel?’Sixmonths’
wallowingaccordingtoitsowndesireswouldrevealitinitstrueshape。SofromthatdayIleftittoitself。No,worsethanthat—
—Idon’twanttosparemyself——Iencouragedher。Iletherhaveafireinherbedroom,andhalfhermealsinbed。Iletherhavechocolatewithtablespoonfulsofcreamfloatingonthetop:shelovedit。Shewasneverreallyhappyexceptwheneating。Iletherorderherownmeals。Itookafiendishdelightwatchingthedaintylimbsturningtoshapelessfat,thepink—and—whitecomplexiongrowingblotchy。Itisfleshthatmanloves;brainandmindandheartandsoul!heneverthinksofthem。Thislittlepink—and—whitesowcouldhavecutmeoutwithSolomonhimself。Whyshouldsuchcreatureshavetheworldarrangedforthem,andwenotbeallowedtouseourbrainsinourowndefence?Butformylooking—glassImighthaveresistedthetemptation,butIalwayshadsomethingofthemaninme:thesportofthethingappealedtome。IsupposeitwasthenervousexcitementunderwhichIwaslivingthatwaschangingme。Allmysapwasgoingintomybody。
Givensufficienttime,Imightmeetherwithherownweapons,animalagainstanimal。Well,youknowtheresult:Iwon。Therewasnodoubtabouthisbeinginlovewithme。Hiseyeswouldfollowmeroundtheroom,feastingonme。Ihadbecomeafineanimal。Mendesiredme,DoyouknowwhyIrefusedhim?HewasineverywayabettermanthanthesillyboyIhadfalleninlovewith;buthecamebackwithacoupleoffalseteeth:Isawthegoldsettingonedaywhenheopenedhismouthtolaugh。Idon’tsayforamoment,mydear,thereisnosuchthingaslove——lovepure,ennobling,worthyofmenandwomen,itsrootsintheheartandnowhereelse。ButthatloveIhadmissed;andtheother!I
sawitinitstruelight。Ihadfalleninlovewithhimbecausehewasapretty,curly—headedboy。HehadfalleninlovewithPeggywhenshewaspink—and—whiteandslim。Ishallalwaysseethelookthatcameintohiseyeswhenshespoketohimatthehotel,thelookofdisgustandloathing。Thegirlwasthesame;itwasonlyherbodythathadgrownolder。Icouldseehiseyesfixeduponmyarmsandneck。Ihadgottogrowoldintime,brownskinned,andwrinkled。Ithoughtofhim,growingbald,fat——\"
\"Ifyouhadfalleninlovewiththerightman,\"hadsaidSusanFossett,\"thoseideaswouldnothavecometoyou。\"
\"Iknow,\"saidMissRamsbotham。\"Hewillhavetolikemethinandintheseclothes,justbecauseIamnice,andgoodcompany,andhelpful。ThatisthemanIamwaitingfor。\"
Henevercamealong。Acharming,bright—eyed,white—hairedladyoccupiesalonealittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad,looksinoccasionallyattheWriters’Club。SheisstillMissRamsbotham。
Bald—headedgentlemenfeelyoungagaintalkingtoher:sheissosympathetic,sobig—minded,sounderstanding。Then,hearingtheclockstrike,tearthemselvesfromherwithasigh,andreturnhome——someofthem——tostupidshrewishwives。
STORYTHEFIFTH:JoeyLoveredgeagrees——oncertainterms——tojointheCompanyThemostpopularmemberoftheAutolycusClubwasundoubtedlyJosephLoveredge。Small,chubby,clean—shaven,hissomewhatlongish,soft,brownhairpartedinthemiddle,strangersfellintotheerrorofassuminghimtobeyoungerthanhereallywas。Itisonrecordthataleadingladynovelist——acceptingheratherownestimate——irritatedbyhispolitebutfirmrefusaltoallowherentranceintohisowneditorialofficewithoutappointment,hadonceboxedhisears,undertheimpressionthathewashisownoffice—boy。GueststotheAutolycusClub,onbeingintroducedtohim,wouldgivetohimkindmessagestotakehometohisfather,withwhomtheyrememberedhavingbeenatschooltogether。Thissortofthingmighthaveannoyedanyonewithlesssenseofhumour。
JosephLoveredgewouldtellsuchstorieshimself,keenlyenjoyingthejest——wasevensuspectedofinventingsomeofthemoreimprobable。AnotherfacttendingtothepopularityofJosephLoveredgeamongallclasses,overandabovehisamiability,hiswit,hisgenuinekindliness,andhisnever—failingfundofgoodstories,wasthatbycareandinclinationhehadsucceededinremainingabachelor。Manyhadbeentheattemptstocapturehim;
norwiththepassingoftheyearshadinterestinthesportshownanysignofdiminution。Welloverthefrailtiesanddistemperssodangeroustoyouth,ofstaidandsoberhabits,withanever—
increasingcapitalinvestedinsoundsecurities,togetherwithanever—increasingincomefromhispen,withatastefullyfurnishedhouseoverlookingRegent’sPark,anexcellentanddevotedcookandhouse—keeper,andrelativesmostlysettledintheColonies,JosephLoveredge,thoughinexperiencedgirlsmightpasshimbywithacontemptuoussniff,wasrecognisedbyladiesofmaturerjudgmentasaprizenottoooftendangledbeforetheeyesofspinsterhood。Oldfoxes——soweareassuredbykind—heartedcountrygentlemen——ratherenjoythanotherwiseadaywiththehounds。Howeverthatmaybe,certainitisthatJosephLoveredge,confidentofhimself,onepresumes,showednoparticulardisinclinationtothechase。
Perhapsonthewholehepreferredthesocietyofhisownsex,withwhomhecouldlaughandjestwithmorefreedom,towhomhecouldtellhisstoriesastheycametohimwithoutthetroubleofhavingtoturnthemoverfirstinhisownmind;but,ontheotherhand,Joeymadenoattempttoavoidfemalecompanywheneveritcamehisway;andthennocavaliercouldrenderhimselfmoreagreeable,moreunobtrusivelyattentive。Youngermenstoodby,inenviousadmirationoftheeasewithwhichinfiveminuteshewouldestablishhimselfontermsofcosyfriendshipwiththebrilliantbeautybeforewhosegraciouscoldnesstheyhadstoodshiveringformonths;thedaringwithwhichhewouldtuckunderhisarm,sotospeak,theprettiestgirlintheroom,smoothdownasifbymagicherhundredprickles,andteaseheroutofheroverwhelmingsenseofherownself—importance。Thesecretofhissuccesswas,probably,thathewasnotafraidofthem。Desiringnothingfromthembeyondcompanionableness,areasonableamountofappreciationforhisjokes——whichwithoutbeingexceptionallystupidtheywouldhavefounditdifficulttowithhold——withjustsufficientinformationandintelligencetomakeconversationinteresting,therewasnothingabouthimbywhichtheycouldlayholdofhim。
Ofcourse,thatrenderedthemparticularlyanxioustolayholdofhim。Joseph’sladyfriendsmight,roughlyspeaking,bedividedintotwogroups:theunmarried,whowantedtomarryhimtothemselves;andthemarried,whowantedtomarryhimtosomebodyelse。Itwouldbeasocialdisaster,thelatterhadagreedamongthemselves,ifJosephLoveredgeshouldneverwed。
\"HewouldmakesuchanexcellenthusbandforpoorBridget。\"
\"OrGladys。IwonderhowoldGladysreallyis?\"
\"Suchanice,kindlittleman。\"
\"AndwhenonethinksofthesortofmenthatAREmarried,itdoesseemsuchapity!\"
\"Iwonderwhyheneverhasmarried,becausehe’sjustthesortofmanyou’dthinkWOULDhavemarried。\"
\"Iwonderifheeverwasinlove。\"
\"Oh,mydear,youdon’tmeantotellmethatamanhasreachedtheageoffortywithouteverbeinginlove!\"
Theladieswouldsigh。
\"Idohopeifeverhedoesmarry,itwillbesomebodynice。Menaresoeasilydeceived。\"
\"Ishouldn’tbesurprisedmyselfabitifsomethingcameofitwithBridget。She’sadeargirl,Bridget——sogenuine。\"
\"Well,Ithinkmyself,dear,ifit’sanyone,it’sGladys。IshouldbesogladtoseepoordearGladyssettled。\"
Theunmarriedkepttheirthoughtsmoretothemselves。Eachone,uponreflection,sawgroundforthinkingthatJosephLoveredgehadgivenproofoffeelingpreferenceforherself。Theirritatingthingwasthat,onfurtherreflection,itwasequallyclearthatJosephLoveredgehadshownsignsofpreferringmostoftheothers。
MeanwhileJosephLoveredgewentundisturbeduponhisway。Ateighto’clockinthemorningJoseph’shousekeeperenteredtheroomwithacupofteaandadrybiscuit。Ateight—fifteenJosephLoveredgearoseandperformedcomplicatedexercisesonanindiarubberpulley,warranted,ifperseveredin,tobestowgraceuponthefigureandelasticityuponthelimbs。JosephLoveredgeperseveredsteadily,andhaddonesoforyears,andwashimselfcontentedwiththeresult,which,seeingitconcernednobodyelse,wasallthatcouldbedesired。Athalf—pasteightonMondays,Wednesdays,andFridays,JosephLoveredgebreakfastedononecupoftea,brewedbyhimself;oneegg,boiledbyhimself;andtwopiecesoftoast,thefirstonespreadwithmarmalade,thesecondwithbutter。OnTuesdays,Thursdays,andSaturdaysJosephLoveredgediscardedeggsandatearasherofbacon。OnSundaysJosephLoveredgehadbotheggsandbacon,butthenallowedhimselfhalfanhourlongerforreadingthepaper。Atnine—thirtyJosephLoveredgeleftthehousefortheofficeoftheold—establishedjournalofwhichhewastheincorruptibleandhonouredCityeditor。Atone—forty—five,havinglefthisofficeatone—thirty,JosephLoveredgeenteredtheAutolycusClubandsatdowntolunch。EverythingelseinJoseph’slifewasarrangedwithsimilarpreciseness,sofaraswaspossiblewiththedutiesofaCityeditor。MondayeveningJosephspentwithmusicalfriendsatBrixton。FridaywasJoseph’stheatrenight。OnTuesdaysandThursdayshewasopentoreceiveinvitationsouttodinner;onWednesdaysandSaturdaysheinvitedfourfriendstodinewithhimatRegent’sPark。OnSundays,whatevertheseason,JosephLoveredgetookanexcursionintothecountry。Hehadhisregularhoursforreading,hisregularhoursforthinking。WhetherinFleetStreet,ortheTyrol,ontheThames,orintheVatican,youmightrecognisehimfromafarbyhisgreyfrock—coat,hispatent—
leatherboots,hisbrownfelthat,hislavendertie。Themanwasabornbachelor。WhenthenewsofhisengagementcreptthroughthesmokyportalsoftheAutolycusClubnobodybelievedit。
\"Impossible!\"assertedJackHerring。\"I’veknownJoey’slifeforfifteenyears。Everyfiveminutesisarrangedfor。Hecouldneverhavefoundthetimetodoit。\"
\"Hedoesn’tlikewomen,notinthatway;I’veheardhimsayso,\"
explainedAlexanderthePoet。\"HisopinionisthatwomenaretheartistsofSociety——delightfulasentertainers,buttroublesometolivewith。\"
\"Icalltomind,\"saidtheWeeLaddie,\"astoryhetoldmeinthisverraroom,barelythreemonthsagone:SomehalfadozenofthemweregonghometogetherfromtheDevonshire。Theyhadhadajoyousevening,andoneofthem——Joeydidnotnoticewhich——suggestedtheirdroppinginathisplacejustforafinalwhisky。Theywerelaughingandtalkinginthedining—room,whentheirhostesssuddenlyappeareduponthesceneinacostume——soJoeydescribedit——thecharmofwhichwasitsvariety。Shewasanice—lookingwoman,Joeysaid,buttalkedtoomuch;andwhenthefirstlulloccurred,Joeyturnedtothemansittingnighesttohim,andwholookedbored,andsuggestedinawhisperthatitwasabouttimetheywent。
\"’Perhapsyouhadbettergo,’assentedthebored—lookingman。
’WishIcouldcomewithyou;but,yousee,Ilivehere。’\"
\"Idon’tbelieveit,\"saidSomervilletheBriefless。\"He’sbeencrackinghisjokes,andsomesillywomanhastakenhimseriously。\"
Buttherumourgrewintoreport,developeddetail,lostallcharm,expandedintoplainrecitaloffact。JoeyhadnotbeenseenwithintheClubformorethanaweek——initselfadeadlyconfirmation。
Thequestionbecame:Whowasshe——whatwasshelike?
\"It’snoneofourset,orweshouldhaveheardsomethingfromhersidebeforenow,\"arguedacutelySomervilletheBriefless。
\"Somebeastlykidwhowillinviteustodancesandforgetthesupper,\"fearedJohnnyBulstrode,commonlycalledtheBabe。\"Oldmenalwaysfallinlovewithyounggirls。\"
\"Forty,\"explainedseverelyPeterHope,editorandpartproprietorofGoodHumour,\"isnotold。\"
\"Well,itisn’tyoung,\"persistedJohnny。
\"Goodthingforyou,Johnny,ifitisagirl,\"thoughtJackHerring。\"Somebodyforyoutoplaywith。Ioftenfeelsorryforyou,havingnobodybutgrown—uppeopletotalkto。\"
\"Theydogetabitstodgyafteracertainage,\"agreedtheBabe。
\"Iamhoping,\"saidPeter,\"itwillbesomesensible,pleasantwoman,alittleoverthirty。Heisadearfellow,Loveredge;andfortyisaverygoodageforamantomarry。\"
\"Well,ifI’mnotmarriedbeforeI’mforty——\"saidtheBabe。
\"Oh,don’tyoufret,\"JackHerringinterruptedhim——\"aprettyboylikeyou!Wewillgiveaballnextseason,andbringyouout,ifyou’regood——getyouoffourhandsinnotime。\"
ItwasAugust。JoeywentawayforhisholidaywithoutagainenteringtheClub。Thelady’snamewasHenriettaElizabethDoone。
ItwassaidbytheMorningPostthatshewasconnectedwiththeDoonesofGloucestershire。
DoonesofGloucestershire——DoonesofGloucestershiremusedMissRamsbotham,Societyjournalist,whowrotetheweeklyLettertoClorinda,discussingthematterwithPeterHopeintheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。\"KnewaDoonwhokeptabigsecond—handstoreinEustonRoadandcalledhimselfanauctioneer。HeboughtasmallplaceinGloucestershireandaddedan’e’tohisname。
Wonderifit’sthesame?\"
\"IhadacatcalledElizabethonce,\"saidPeterHope。
\"Idon’tseewhatthat’sgottodowithit。\"
\"No,ofcoursenot,\"agreedPeter。\"ButIwasratherfondofit。
Itwasaquaintsortofanimal,consideredasacat——wouldneverspeaktoanothercat,andhatedbeingoutafterteno’clockatnight。\"
\"Whathappenedtoit?\"demandedMissRamsbotham。
\"Felloffaroof,\"sighedPeterHope。\"Wasn’tusedtothem。\"
Themarriagetookplaceabroad,attheEnglishChurchatMontreux。
Mr。andMrs。LoveredgereturnedattheendofSeptember。TheAutolycusClubsubscribedtosendapresentofapunch—bowl,leftcards,andwaitedwithcuriositytoseethebride。Butnoinvitationarrived。NorforamonthwasJoeyhimselfseenwithintheClub。Then,onefoggyafternoon,wakingafteradoze,withacoldcigarinhismouth,JackHerringnoticedhewasnottheonlyoccupantofthesmoking—room。Inafarcorner,nearawindow,satJosephLoveredgereadingamagazine。JackHerringrubbedhiseyes,thenroseandcrossedtheroom。
\"Ithoughtatfirst,\"explainedJackHerring,recountingtheincidentlaterintheevening,\"thatImustbedreaming。Therehesat,drinkinghisfiveo’clockwhisky—and—soda,thesameJoeyLoveredgeIhadknownforfifteenyears;yetnotthesame。Notafeaturealtered,notahaironhisheadchanged,yetthewholefacewasdifferent;thesamebody,thesameclothes,butanotherman。
Wetalkedforhalfanhour;herememberedeverythingthatJoeyLoveredgehadknown。Icouldn’tunderstandit。Then,astheclockstruck,andherose,sayinghemustbehomeathalf—pastfive,theexplanationsuddenlyoccurredtome:JOEYLOVEREDGEWASDEAD;THIS
WASAMARRIEDMAN。\"
\"Wedon’twantyourfeebleeffortsatpsychologicalromance,\"toldhimSomervilletheBriefless。\"Wewanttoknowwhatyoutalkedabout。Deadormarried,themanwhocandrinkwhisky—and—sodamustbeheldresponsibleforhisactions。What’sthelittlebeggarmeanbycuttingusallinthisway?Didheaskafteranyofus?Didheleaveanymessageforanyofus?Didheinviteanyofustocomeanseehim?\"
\"Yes,hedidaskafternearlyeverybody;Iwascomingtothat。Buthedidn’tleaveanymessage。Ididn’tgatherthathewaspiningforoldrelationshipswithanyofus。\"
\"Well,Ishallgoroundtotheofficeto—morrowmorning,\"saidSomervilletheBriefless,\"andforcemywayinifnecessary。Thisisgettingmysterious。\"
ButSomervillereturnedonlytopuzzletheAutolycusClubstillfurther。Joeyhadtalkedabouttheweather,thestateofpoliticalparties,hadreceivedwithunfeignedinterestallgossipconcerninghisoldfriends;butabouthimself,hiswife,nothinghadbeengleaned。Mrs。Loveredgewaswell;Mrs。Loveredge’srelationswerealsowell。ButatpresentMrs。Loveredgewasnotreceiving。
MembersoftheAutolycusClubwithtimeupontheirhandstookupthebusinessofprivatedetectives。Mrs。Loveredgeturnedouttobeahandsome,well—dressedladyofaboutthirty,asPeterHopehaddesired。Ateleveninthemorning,Mrs。LoveredgeshoppedintheneighbourhoodoftheHampsteadRoad。Intheafternoon,Mrs。
Loveredge,inahiredcarriage,wouldslowlypromenadethePark,looking,itwasnoticed,withintenseinterestattheoccupantsofothercarriagesastheypassed,butevidentlyhavingnoacquaintancesamongthem。Thecarriage,asageneralrule,wouldcallatJoey’sofficeatfive,andMr。andMrs。Loveredgewoulddrivehome。JackHerring,astheoldestfriend,urgedbytheothermembers,tookthebullbythehornsandcalledboldly。OnneitheroccasionwasMrs。Loveredgeathome。
\"I’mdamnedifIgoagain!\"saidJack。\"Shewasinthesecondtime,Iknow。Iwatchedherintothehouse。Confoundthestuck—uppairofthem!\"
Bewildermentgaveplacetoindignation。NowandagainJoeywouldcreep,amentalshadowofhisformerself,intotheClubwhereonceeverymemberwouldhaverisenwithasmiletogreethim。Theygavehimcurtanswersandturnedawayfromhim。PeterHopeoneafternoonfoundhimtherealone,standingwithhishandsinhispocketslookingoutofwindow。Peterwasfifty,sohesaid,maybealittleolder;menoffortyweretohimmereboys。SoPeter,whohatedmysteries,steppedforwardwithadeterminedairandclappedJoeyontheshoulder。
\"Iwanttoknow,Joey,\"saidPeter,\"IwanttoknowwhetherIamtogoonlikingyou,orwhetherI’vegottothinkpoorlyofyou。Outwithit。\"
JoeyturnedtohimafacesofullofmiserythatPeter’sheartwastouched。\"Youcan’ttellhowwretcheditmakesme,\"saidJoey。\"I
didn’tknowitwaspossibletofeelsouncomfortableasIhavefeltduringtheselastthreemonths。\"
\"It’sthewife,Isuppose?\"suggestedPeter。
\"She’sadeargirl。Sheonlyhasonefault。\"
\"It’saprettybigone,\"returnedPeter。\"IshouldtryandbreakherofitifIwereyou。\"
\"Breakherofit!\"criedthelittleman。\"Youmightaswelladvisemetobreakabrickwallwithmyhead。Ihadnoideawhattheywerelike。Ineverdreamtit。\"
\"Butwhatisherobjectiontous?Weareclean,wearefairlyintelligent——\"
\"MydearPeter,doyouthinkIhaven’tsaidallthat,andahundredthingsmore?Awoman!shegetsanideaintoherhead,andeveryargumentagainstithammersitinfurther。ShehasgainedhernotionofwhatshecallsBohemiafromthecomicjournals。It’sourownfault,wehavedoneitourselves。There’snopersuadingherthatit’salibel。\"
\"Won’tsheseeafewofus——judgeforherself?There’sPorson——whyPorsonmighthavebeenabishop。OrSomerville——Somerville’sOxfordaccentiswastedhere。Ithasnochance。\"
\"Itisn’tonlythat,\"explainedJoey;\"shehasambitions,socialambitions。Shethinksthatifwebeginwiththewrongset,we’llnevergetintotheright。Wehavethreefriendsatpresent,and,sofarasIcansee,areneverlikelytohaveanymore。Mydearboy,you’dneverbelievetherecouldexistsuchbores。There’samanandhiswifenamedHolyoake。TheydinewithusonThursdays,andwedinewiththemonTuesdays。TheironlytitletoexistenceconsistsintheirhavingacousinintheHouseofLords;theyclaimnootherrightthemselves。Heisawidower,gettingonforeighty。
Apparentlyhe’stheonlyrelativetheyhave,andwhenhedies,theytalkofretiringintothecountry。There’safellownamedCutler,whovisitedonceatMarlboroughHouseinconnectionwithacharity。
You’dthinktolistentohimthathehaddesignsuponthethrone。
Themosttiresomeofthemallisanoisywomanwho,asfarasIcanmakeout,hasn’tanynameatall。’MissMontgomery’isonhercards,butthatisonlywhatshecallsherself。Whoshereallyis!
ItwouldshakethefoundationsofEuropeansocietyifknown。Wesitandtalkaboutthearistocracy;wedon’tseemtoknowanybodyelse。Itriedononeoccasionalittlesarcasmasacorrective——
recountedconversationsbetweenmyselfandthePrinceofWales,inwhichIinvariablyaddressedhimas’Teddy。’Itsoundstall,I
know,butthosepeopletookitin。Iwastooastonishedtoundeceivethematthetime,theconsequenceisIamasortoflittlegodtothem。Theycomeroundmeandaskformore。WhatamItodo?Iamhelplessamongthem。I’veneverhadanythingtodobeforewiththereallyfirst—prizeidiot;theusualtype,ofcourse,oneknows,butthese,ifyouhaven’tmetthem,areinconceivable。Itryinsultingthem;theydon’tevenknowIaminsultingthem。Shortofdraggingthemoutoftheirchairsandkickingthemroundtheroom,Idon’tseehowtomakethemunderstandit。\"
\"AndMrs。Loveredge?\"askedthesympatheticPeter,\"isshe——\"
\"Betweenourselves,\"saidJoey,sinkinghisvoicetoaneedlesswhisper,seeingheandPeterwerethesoleoccupantsofthesmoking—room——\"Icouldn’t,ofcourse,sayittoayoungerman——butbetweenourselves,mywifeisacharmingwoman。Youdon’tknowher。\"
\"Doesn’tseemmuchchanceofmyeverdoingso,\"laughedPeter。
\"Sograceful,sodignified,so——soqueenly,\"continuedthelittleman,withrisingenthusiasm。\"Shehasonlyonefault——shehasnosenseofhumour。\"
ToPeter,asithasbeensaid,menoffortyweremereboys。
\"Mydearfellow,whatevercouldhaveinducedyou——\"
\"Iknow——Iknowallthat,\"interruptedthemereboy。\"Naturearrangesitonpurpose。Tallandsolemnprigsmarrylittlewomenwithturned—upnoses。Cheerfullittlefellowslikemyself——wemarryserious,statelywomen。Ifitwereotherwise,thehumanracewouldbesplitupintospecies。\"
\"Ofcourse,ifyouwereactuatedbyasenseofpublicduty——\"
\"Don’tbeafool,PeterHope,\"returnedthelittleman。\"I’minlovewithmywifejustassheis,andalwaysshallbe。Iknowthewomanwithasenseofhumour,andofthetwoIprefertheonewithout。TheJunotypeismyideal。Imusttaketheroughwiththesmooth。Onecan’thaveajolly,chirpyJuno,andwouldn’tcareforherifonecould。\"
\"Thenareyougoingtogiveupallyouroldfriends?\"
\"Don’tsuggestit,\"pleadedthelittleman。\"Youdon’tknowhowmiserableitmakesme——themereidea。Tellthemtobepatient。
Thesecretofdealingwithwomen,Ihavefound,istodonothingrashly。\"Theclockstruckfive。\"Imustgonow,\"saidJoey。
\"Don’tmisjudgeher,Peter,anddon’tlettheothers。She’sadeargirl。You’lllikeher,allofyou,whenyouknowher。Adeargirl!Sheonlyhasthatonefault。\"
Joeywentout。
PeterdidhisbestthateveningtoexplainthetruepositionofaffairswithoutimputingsnobberytoMrs。Loveredge。Itwasadifficulttask,andPetercannotbesaidtohaveaccomplisheditsuccessfully。AngerandindignationagainstJoeygaveplacetopity。ThemembersoftheAutolycusClubalsoexperiencedalittleirritationontheirownaccount。
\"Whatdoesthewomantakeusfor?\"demandedSomervilletheBriefless。\"Doesn’tsheknowthatwelunchwithrealactorsandactresses,thatonceayearweareinvitedtodineattheMansionHouse?\"
\"Hassheneverheardofthearistocracyofgenius?\"demandedAlexanderthePoet。
\"Theexplanationmaybethatpossiblyshehasseenit,\"fearedtheWeeLaddie。
\"Oneofusoughttowaylaythewoman,\"arguedtheBabe——\"insistuponhertalkingtohimfortenminutes。I’vehalfamindtodoitmyself。\"
JackHerringsaidnothing——seemedthoughtful。
ThenextmorningJackHerring,stillthoughtful,calledattheeditorialofficesofGoodHumour,inCraneCourt,andborrowedMissRamsbotham’sDebrett。ThreedayslaterJackHerringinformedtheClubcasuallythathehaddinedthenightbeforewithMr。andMrs。
Loveredge。TheClubgaveJackHerringpolitelytounderstandthattheyregardedhimasaliar,andproceededtodemandparticulars。
\"IfIwasn’tthere,\"explainedJackHerring,withunanswerablelogic,\"howcanItellyouanythingaboutit?\"
ThisannoyedtheClub,whosecuriosityhadbeenwhetted。Threemembers,actingintheinterestsofthewhole,solemnlyundertooktobelievewhateverhemighttellthem。ButJackHerring’sfeelingshadbeenwounded。
\"Whengentlemencastadoubtuponanothergentleman’sveracity——\"
\"Wedidn’tcastadoubt,\"explainedSomervilletheBriefless。\"Wemerelysaidthatwepersonallydidnotbelieveyou。Wedidn’tsaywecouldn’tbelieveyou;itisacaseforindividualeffort。Ifyougiveusparticularsbearingtheimpressofreality,supportedbydetailsthatdonotundulycontradicteachother,wearepreparedtoputasideournaturalsuspicionsandfacethepossibilityofyourstatementbeingcorrect。\"
\"Itwasfoolishofme,\"saidJackHerring。\"IthoughtperhapsitwouldamuseyoutohearwhatsortofawomanMrs。Loveredgewaslike——somedescriptionofMrs。Loveredge’suncle。MissMontgomery,friendofMrs。Loveredge,iscertainlyoneofthemostremarkablewomenIhaveevermet。Ofcourse,thatisn’therrealname。But,asIhavesaid,itwasfoolishofme。Thesepeople——youwillnevermeetthem,youwillneverseethem;ofwhatinterestcantheybetoyou?\"
\"Theyhadforgottentodrawdowntheblinds,andheclimbedupalamp—postandlookedthroughthewindow,\"wasthesolutionoftheproblemputforwardbytheWeeLaddie。
\"I’mdiningthereagainonSaturday,\"volunteeredJackHerring。
\"Ifanyofyouwillpromisenottomakeadisturbance,youcanhangaboutontheParkside,underneaththeshadowofthefence,andwatchmegoin。Myhansomwilldrawupatthedoorwithinafewminutesofeight。\"
TheBabeandthePoetagreedtoundertakethetest。
\"Youwon’tmindourhangingroundalittlewhile,incaseyou’rethrownoutagain?\"askedtheBabe。