OCTOBER2O.
Wearrivedhereyesterday.Theambassadorisindisposed,andwillnotgooutforsomedays.Ifhewerelesspeevishandmorose,allwouldbewell.IseebuttooplainlythatHeavenhasdestinedmetoseveretrials;butcourage!alightheartmaybearanything.Alightheart!Ismiletofindsuchawordproceedingfrommypen.Alittlemorelightheartednesswouldrendermethehappiestbeingunderthesun.ButmustIdespairofmytalentsandfaculties,whilstothersoffarinferiorabilitiesparadebeforemewiththeutmostself-satisfaction?GraciousProvidence,towhomIoweallmypowers,whydidstthounotwithholdsomeofthoseblessingsIpossess,andsubstituteintheirplaceafeelingofself-confidenceandcontentment?
Butpatience!allwillyetbewell;forIassureyou,mydearfriend,youwereright:sinceIhavebeenobligedtoassociatecontinuallywithotherpeople,andobservewhattheydo,andhowtheyemploythemselves,Ihavebecomefarbettersatisfiedwithmyself.Forwearesoconstitutedbynature,thatweareeverpronetocompareourselveswithothers;andourhappinessormiserydependsverymuchontheobjectsandpersonsaroundus.Onthisaccount,nothingismoredangerousthansolitude:thereourimagination,alwaysdisposedtorise,takinganewflightonthewingsoffancy,picturestousachainofbeingsofwhomweseemthemostinferior.
Allthingsappeargreaterthantheyreallyare,andallseemsuperiortous.Thisoperationofthemindisquitenatural:wesocontinuallyfeelourownimperfections,andfancyweperceiveinothersthequalitieswedonotpossess,attributingtothemalsoallthatweenjoyourselves,thatbythisprocessweformtheideaofaperfect,happyman,——aman,however,whoonlyexistsinourownimagination.Butwhen,inspiteofweaknessanddisappointments,wesettoworkinearnest,andperseveresteadily,weoftenfind,that,thoughobligedcontinuallytotack,wemakemorewaythanotherswhohavetheassistanceofwindandtide;and,intruth,therecanbenogreatersatisfactionthantokeeppacewithothersoroutstripthemintherace.
NOVEMBER26.
Ibegintofindmysituationheremoretolerable,consideringallcircumstances.Ifindagreatadvantageinbeingmuchoccupied;andthenumberofpersonsImeet,andtheirdifferentpursuits,createavariedentertainmentforme.IhaveformedtheacquaintanceoftheCountC——andIesteemhimmoreandmoreeveryday.Heisamanofstrongunderstandingandgreatdiscernment;but,thoughheseesfartherthanotherpeople,heisnotonthataccountcoldinhismanner,butcapableofinspiringandreturningthewarmestaffection.Heappearedinterestedinmeononeoccasion,whenIhadtotransactsomebusinesswithhim.Heperceived,atthefirstword,thatweunderstoodeachother,andthathecouldconversewithmeinadifferenttonefromwhatheusedwithothers.Icannotsufficientlyesteemhisfrankandopenkindnesstome.Itisthegreatestandmostgenuineofpleasurestoobserveagreatmindinsympathywithourown.
DECEMBER24.
AsIanticipated,theambassadoroccasionsmeinfiniteannoyance.Heisthemostpunctiliousblockheadunderheaven.Hedoeseverythingstepbystep,withthetriflingminutenessofanoldwoman;andheisamanwhomitisimpossibletoplease,becauseheisneverpleasedwithhimself.Iliketodobusinessregularlyandcheerfully,and,whenitisfinished,toleaveit.Butheconstantlyreturnsmypaperstome,saying,\"Theywilldo,\"butrecommendingmetolookoverthemagain,as\"onemayalwaysimprovebyusingabetterwordoramoreappropriateparticle.\"Ithenloseallpatience,andwishmyselfatthedevil\'s.Notaconjunction,notanadverb,mustbeomitted:hehasadeadlyantipathytoallthosetranspositionsofwhichIamsofond;and,ifthemusicofourperiodsisnottunedtotheestablished,officialkey,hecannotcomprehendourmeaning.Itisdeplorabletobeconnectedwithsuchafellow.
MyacquaintancewiththeCountC——istheonlycompensationforsuchanevil.Hetoldmefrankly,theotherday,thathewasmuchdispleasedwiththedifficultiesanddelaysoftheambassador;thatpeoplelikehimareobstacles,bothtothemselvesandtoothers.\"But,\"addedhe,\"onemustsubmit,likeatravellerwhohastoascendamountain:ifthemountainwasnotthere,theroadwouldbebothshorterandpleasanter;butthereitis,andhemustgetoverit.\"Theoldmanperceivesthecount\'spartialityforme:thisannoyshim,and,heseizeseveryopportunitytodepreciatethecountinmyhearing.Inaturallydefendhim,andthatonlymakesmattersworse.Yesterdayhemademeindignant,forhealsoalludedtome.\"Thecount,\"hesaid,\"isamanoftheworld,andagoodmanofbusiness:hisstyleisgood,andhewriteswithfacility;but,likeothergeniuses,hehasnosolidlearning.\"HelookedatmewithanexpressionthatseemedtoaskifIfelttheblow.Butitdidnotproducethedesiredeffect:Idespiseamanwhocanthinkandactinsuchamanner.However,Imadeastand,andansweredwithnotalittlewarmth.Thecount,Isaid,wasamanentitledtorespect,alikeforhischaracterandhisacquirements.Ihadnevermetapersonwhosemindwasstoredwithmoreusefulandextensiveknowledge,——whohad,infact,masteredsuchaninfinitevarietyofsubjects,andwhoyetretainedallhisactivityforthedetailsofordinarybusiness.Thiswasaltogetherbeyondhiscomprehension;andItookmyleave,lestmyangershouldbetoohighlyexcitedbysomenewabsurdityofhis.
Andyouaretoblameforallthis,youwhopersuadedmetobendmynecktothisyokebypreachingalifeofactivitytome.Ifthemanwhoplantsvegetables,andcarrieshiscorntotownonmarket-days,isnotmoreusefullyemployedthanIam,thenletmeworktenyearslongeratthegalleystowhichIamnowchained.
Oh,thebrilliantwretchedness,theweariness,thatoneisdoomedtowitnessamongthesillypeoplewhomwemeetinsocietyhere!Theambitionofrank!Howtheywatch,howtheytoil,togainprecedence!Whatpoorandcontemptiblepassionsaredisplayedintheirutternakedness!Wehaveawomanhere,forexample,whoneverceasestoentertainthecompanywithaccountsofherfamilyandherestates.Anystrangerwouldconsiderherasillybeing,whoseheadwasturnedbyherpretensionstorankandproperty;butsheisinrealityevenmoreridiculous,thedaughterofameremagistrate\'sclerkfromthisneighbourhood.Icannotunderstandhowhumanbeingscansodebasethemselves.
EverydayIobservemoreandmorethefollyofjudgingofothersbyourselves;andIhavesomuchtroublewithmyseif,andmyownheartisinsuchconstantagitation,thatIamwellcontenttoletotherspursuetheirowncourse,iftheyonlyallowmethesameprivilege.
Whatprovokesmemostistheunhappyextenttowhichdistinctionsofrankarecarried.Iknowperfectlywellhownecessaryareinequalitiesofcondition,andIamsensibleoftheadvantagesImyselfderivetherefrom;butIwouldnothavetheseinstitutionsproveabarriertothesmallchanceofhappinesswhichImayenjoyonthisearth.
IhavelatelybecomeacquaintedwithaMissB——,averyagreeablegirl,whohasretainedhernaturalmannersinthemidstofartificiallife.Ourfirstconversationpleasedusbothequally;and,attakingleave,Irequestedpermissiontovisither.Sheconsentedinsoobligingamanner,thatIwaitedwithimpatienceforthearrivalofthehappymoment.Sheisnotanativeofthisplace,butresidesherewithheraunt.Thecountenanceoftheoldladyisnotprepossessing.Ipaidhermuchattention,addressingthegreaterpartofmyconversationtoher;and,inlessthanhalfanhour,Idiscoveredwhatherniecesubsequentlyacknowledgedtome,thatheragedaunt,havingbutasmallfortune,andastillsmallershareofunderstanding,enjoysnosatisfactionexceptinthepedigreeofherancestors,noprotectionsaveinhernoblebirth,andnoenjoymentbutinlookingfromhercastleovertheheadsofthehumblecitizens.Shewas,nodoubt,handsomeinheryouth,andinherearlyyearsprobablytrifledawayhertimeinrenderingmanyapooryouththesportofhercaprice:inherriperyearsshehassubmittedtotheyokeofaveteranofficer,who,inreturnforherpersonandhersmallindependence,hasspentwithherwhatwemaydesignateherageofbrass.Heisdead;andsheisnowawidow,anddeserted.Shespendsherironagealone,andwouldnotbeapproached,exceptforthelovelinessofherniece.
JANUARY8,1772.
Whatbeingsaremen,whosewholethoughtsareoccupiedwithformandceremony,whoforyearstogetherdevotetheirmentalandphysicalexertionstothetaskofadvancingthemselvesbutonestep,andendeavouringtooccupyahigherplaceatthetable.Notthatsuchpersonswouldotherwisewantemployment:onthecontrary,theygivethemselvesmuchtroublebyneglectingimportantbusinessforsuchpettytrifles.Lastweekaquestionofprecedencearoseatasledging-party,andallouramusementwasspoiled.
Thesillycreaturescannotseethatitisnotplacewhichconstitutesrealgreatness,sincethemanwhooccupiesthefirstplacebutseldomplaystheprincipalpart.Howmanykingsaregovernedbytheirministers——howmanyministersbytheirsecretaries?Who,insuchcases,isreallythechief?He,asitseemstome,whocanseethroughtheothers,andpossessesstrengthorskillenoughtomaketheirpowerorpassionssubservienttotheexecutionofhisowndesigns.
JANUARY20.
Imustwritetoyoufromthisplace,mydearCharlotte,fromasmallroominacountryinn,whereIhavetakenshelterfromaseverestorm.DuringmywholeresidenceinthatwretchedplaceD——,whereIlivedamongststrangers,——strangers,indeed,tothisheart,——Ineveratanytimefeltthesmallestinclinationtocorrespondwithyou;butinthiscottage,inthisretirement,inthissolitude,withthesnowandhailbeatingagainstmylattice-pane,youaremyfirstthought.TheinstantIentered,yourfigureroseupbeforeme,andtheremembrance!OmyCharlotte,thesacred,tenderremembrance!GraciousHeaven!restoretomethehappymomentofourfirstacquaintance.
Couldyoubutseeme,mydearCharlotte,inthewhirlofdissipation,——howmysensesaredriedup,butmyheartisatnotimefull.Ienjoynosinglemomentofhappiness:allisvain——nothingtouchesme.Istand,asitwere,beforetheraree-show:Iseethelittlepuppetsmove,andIaskwhetheritisnotanopticalillusion.Iamamusedwiththesepuppets,or,rather,Iammyselfoneofthem:but,whenIsometimesgraspmyneighbour\'shand,Ifeelthatitisnotnatural;andIwithdrawminewithashudder.IntheeveningIsayIwillenjoythenextmorning\'ssunrise,andyetIremaininbed:inthedayIpromisetoramblebymoonlight;andI,nevertheless,remainathome.IknownotwhyIrise,norwhyIgotosleep.
Theleavenwhichanimatedmyexistenceisgone:thecharmwhichcheeredmeinthegloomofnight,andarousedmefrommymorningslumbers,isforeverfled.
Ihavefoundbutonebeingheretointerestme,aMissB.Sheresemblesyou,mydearCharlotte,ifanyonecanpossiblyresembleyou.\"Ah!\"youwillsay,\"hehaslearnedhowtopayfinecompliments.\"Andthisispartlytrue.Ihavebeenveryagreeablelately,asitwasnotinmypowertobeotherwise.Ihave,moreover,adealofwit:andtheladiessaythatnooneunderstandsflatterybetter,orfalsehoodsyouwilladd;sincetheoneaccomplishmentinvariablyaccompaniestheother.ButImusttellyouofMissB.Shehasabundanceofsoul,whichflashesfromherdeepblueeyes.Herrankisatormenttoher,andsatisfiesnoonedesireofherheart.Shewouldgladlyretirefromthiswhirloffashion,andweoftenpicturetoourselvesalifeofundisturbedhappinessindistantscenesofruralretirement:andthenwespeakofyou,mydearCharlotte;forsheknowsyou,andrendershomagetoyourmerits;butherhomageisnotexacted,butvoluntary,shelovesyou,anddelightstohearyoumadethesubjectofconversation.
Oh,thatIweresittingatyourfeetinyourfavouritelittleroom,withthedearchildrenplayingaroundus!Iftheybecametroublesometoyou,Iwouldtellthemsomeappallinggoblinstory;andtheywouldcrowdroundmewithsilentattention.Thesunissettinginglory;hislastraysareshiningonthesnow,whichcoversthefaceofthecountry:thestormisover,andImustreturntomydungeon.Adieu!——IsAlbertwithyou?andwhatishetoyou?Godforgivethequestion.
FEBRUARY8.
Foraweekpastwehavehadthemostwretchedweather:butthistomeisablessing;for,duringmyresidencehere,notasinglefinedayhasbeamedfromtheheavens,buthasbeenlosttomebytheintrusionofsomebody.Duringtheseverityofrain,sleet,frost,andstorm,Icongratulatemyselfthatitcannotbeworseindoorsthanabroad,norworseabroadthanitiswithindoors;andsoIbecomereconciled.Whenthesunrisesbrightinthemorning,andpromisesagloriousday,Ineveromittoexclaim,\"There,now,theyhaveanotherblessingfromHeaven,whichtheywillbesuretodestroy:theyspoileverything,——health,fame,happiness,amusement;andtheydothisgenerallythroughfolly,ignorance,orimbecility,andalways,accordingtotheirownaccount,withthebestintentions!\"Icouldoftenbeseechthem,onmybendedknees,tobelessresolvedupontheirowndestruction.
FEBRUARY17.
IfearthatmyambassadorandIshallnotcontinuemuchlongertogether.Heisreallygrowingpastendurance.Hetransactshisbusinessinsoridiculousamanner,thatIamoftencompelledtocontradicthim,anddothingsmyownway;andthen,ofcourse,hethinksthemveryilldone.Hecomplainedofmelatelyonthisaccountatcourt;andtheministergavemeareprimand,——agentleoneitistrue,butstillareprimand.Inconsequenceofthis,Iwasabouttotendermyresignation,whenIreceivedaletter,towhichIsubmittedwithgreatrespect,onaccountofthehigh,noble,andgenerousspiritwhichdictatedit.Heendeavouredtosoothemyexcessivesensibility,paidatributetomyextremeideasofduty,ofgoodexample,andofperseveranceinbusiness,asthefruitofmyyouthfulardour,animpulsewhichhedidnotseektodestroy,butonlytomoderate,thatitmighthaveproperplayandbeproductiveofgood.SonowIamatrestforanotherweek,andnolongeratvariancewithmyself.Contentandpeaceofmindarevaluablethings:Icouldwish,mydearfriend,thatthesepreciousjewelswerelesstransitory.
FEBRUARY20.
Godblessyou,mydearfriends,andmayhegrantyouthathappinesswhichhedeniestome!
Ithankyou,Albert,forhavingdeceivedme.Iwaitedforthenewsthatyourwedding-daywasfixed;andIintendedonthatday,withsolemnity,totakedownCharlotte\'sprofilefromthewall,andtoburyitwithsomeotherpapersIpossess.Youarenowunited,andherpicturestillremainshere.Well,letitremain!Whyshoulditnot?IknowthatIamstilloneofyoursociety,thatIstilloccupyaplaceuninjuredinCharlotte\'sheart,thatIholdthesecondplacetherein;andIintendtokeepit.Oh,Ishouldbecomemadifshecouldforget!Albert,thatthoughtishell!Farewell,Albertfarewell,angelofheavenfarewell,Charlotte!
MARCH15.
Ihavejusthadasadadventure,whichwilldrivemeawayfromhere.Iloseallpatience!——Death!——Itisnottoberemedied;andyoualonearetoblame,foryouurgedandimpelledmetofillapostforwhichIwasbynomeanssuited.Ihavenowreasontobesatisfied,andsohaveyou!But,thatyoumaynotagainattributethisfatalitytomyimpetuoustemper,Isendyou,mydearsir,aplainandsimplenarrationoftheaffair,asamerechronicleroffactswoulddescribeit.
TheCountofO——likesanddistinguishesme.Itiswellknown,andIhavementionedthistoyouahundredtimes.YesterdayIdinedwithhim.Itisthedayonwhichthenobilityareaccustomedtoassembleathishouseintheevening.Ineveroncethoughtoftheassembly,northatwesubalternsdidnotbelongtosuchsociety.Well,Idinedwiththecount;and,afterdinner,weadjournedtothelargehall.Wewalkedupanddowntogether:andIconversedwithhim,andwithColonelB——,whojoinedus;andinthismannerthehourfortheassemblyapproached.Godknows,Iwasthinkingofnothing,whenwhoshouldenterbutthehonourableLadyaccompaniedbyhernoblehusbandandtheirsilly,schemingdaughter,withhersmallwaistandflatneck;and,withdisdainfullooksandahaughtyairtheypassedmeby.AsIheartilydetestthewholerace,Ideterminedupongoingaway;andonlywaitedtillthecounthaddisengagedhimselffromtheirimpertinentprattle,totakeleave,whentheagreeableMissB——camein.AsInevermeetherwithoutexperiencingaheartfeltpleasure,Istayedandtalkedtoher,leaningoverthebackofherchair,anddidnotperceive,tillaftersometime,thatsheseemedalittleconfused,andceasedtoanswermewithherusualeaseofmanner.Iwasstruckwithit.\"Heavens!\"Isaidtomyself,\"canshe,too,beliketherest?\"Ifeltannoyed,andwasabouttowithdraw;butIremained,notwithstanding,formingexcusesforherconduct,fancyingshedidnotmeanit,andstillhopingtoreceivesomefriendlyrecognition.Therestofthecompanynowarrived.TherewastheBaronF——,inanentiresuitthatdatedfromthecoronationofFrancisI.;theChancellorN——,withhisdeafwife;theshabbily-dressedI——,whoseold-fashionedcoatboreevidenceofmodernrepairs:thiscrownedthewhole.Iconversedwithsomeofmyacquaintances,buttheyansweredmelaconically.IwasengagedinobservingMissB——,anddidnotnoticethatthewomenwerewhisperingattheendoftheroom,thatthemurmurextendedbydegreestothemen,thatMadameS——addressedthecountwithmuchwarmth(thiswasallrelatedtomesubsequentlybyMissB——);tillatlengththecountcameuptome,andtookmetothewindow.\"Youknowourridiculouscustoms,\"hesaid.\"Iperceivethecompanyisratherdispleasedatyourbeinghere.Iwouldnotonanyaccount——\"\"Ibegyourexcellency\'spardon!\"Iexclaimed.\"Ioughttohavethoughtofthisbefore,butIknowyouwillforgivethislittleinattention.Iwasgoing,\"Iadded,\"sometimeago,butmyevilgeniusdetainedme.\"AndIsmiledandbowed,totakemyleave.Heshookmebythehand,inamannerwhichexpressedeverything.Ihastenedatoncefromtheillustriousassembly,sprangintoacarriage,anddrovetoM.Icontemplatedthesettingsunfromthetopofthehill,andreadthatbeautifulpassageinHomer,whereUlyssesisentertainedbythehospitableherdsmen.Thiswasindeeddelightful.Ireturnedhometosupperintheevening.Butfewpersonswereassembledintheroom.Theyhadturnedupacornerofthetable-cloth,andwereplayingatdice.Thegood-naturedA——camein.Helaiddownhishatwhenhesawme,approachedme,andsaidinalowtone,\"Youhavemetwithadisagreeableadventure.\"\"I!\"Iexclaimed.\"Thecountobligedyoutowithdrawfromtheassembly!\"\"Deucetaketheassembly!\"saidI.\"Iwasverygladtobegone.\"\"Iamdelighted,\"headded,\"thatyoutakeitsolightly.Iamonlysorrythatitisalreadysomuchspokenof.\"Thecircumstancethenbegantopainme.Ifanciedthateveryonewhosatdown,andevenlookedatme,wasthinkingofthisincident;andmyheartbecameembittered.
AndnowIcouldplungeadaggerintomybosom,whenIhearmyselfeverywherepitied,andobservethetriumphofmyenemies,whosaythatthisisalwaysthecasewithvainpersons,whoseheadsareturnedwithconceit,whoaffecttodespiseformsandsuchpetty,idlenonsense.
Saywhatyouwilloffortitude,butshowmethemanwhocanpatientlyendurethelaughteroffools,whentheyhaveobtainedanadvantageoverhim.\'Tisonlywhentheirnonsenseiswithoutfoundationthatonecansufferitwithoutcomplaint.
MARCH16.
Everythingconspiresagainstme.ImetMissB——walkingto-day.Icouldnothelpjoiningher;and,whenwewereatalittledistancefromhercompanions,Iexpressedmysenseofheralteredmannertowardme.\"OWerther!\"shesaid,inatoneofemotion,\"you,whoknowmyheart,howcouldyousoillinterpretmydistress?WhatdidInotsufferforyou,fromthemomentyouenteredtheroom!Iforesawitall,ahundredtimeswasIonthepointofmentioningittoyou.IknewthattheS——sandT——s,withtheirhusbands,wouldquittheroom,ratherthanremaininyourcompany.Iknewthatthecountwouldnotbreakwiththem:andnowsomuchissaidaboutit.\"\"How!\"Iexclaimed,andendeavouredtoconcealmyemotion;forallthatAdelinhadmentionedtomeyesterdayrecurredtomepainfullyatthatmoment.\"Oh,howmuchithasalreadycostme!\"saidthisamiablegirl,whilehereyesfilledwithtears.Icouldscarcelycontainmyself,andwasreadytothrowmyselfatherfeet.\"Explainyourself!\"Icried.Tearsfloweddownhercheeks.Ibecamequitefrantic.Shewipedthemaway,withoutattemptingtoconcealthem.\"Youknowmyaunt,\"shecontinued;\"shewaspresent:andinwhatlightdoessheconsidertheaffair!Lastnight,andthismorning,Werther,Iwascompelledtolistentoalectureuponmy,acquaintancewithyou.Ihavebeenobligedtohearyoucondemnedanddepreciated;andIcouldnot——Idarednot——saymuchinyourdefence.\"
Everywordsheutteredwasadaggertomyheart.Shedidnotfeelwhatamercyitwouldhavebeentoconcealeverythingfromme.Shetoldme,inaddition,alltheimpertinencethatwouldbefurthercirculated,andhowthemaliciouswouldtriumph;howtheywouldrejoiceoverthepunishmentofmypride,overmyhumiliationforthatwantofesteemforotherswithwhichIhadoftenbeenreproached.Tohearallthis,Wilhelm,utteredbyherinavoiceofthemostsinceresympathy,awakenedallmypassions;andIamstillinastateofextremeexcitement.IwishIcouldfindamantojeermeaboutthisevent.Iwouldsacrificehimtomyresentment.Thesightofhisbloodmightpossiblybearelieftomyfury.AhundredtimeshaveIseizedadagger,togiveeasetothisoppressedheart.Naturaliststellofanobleraceofhorsesthatinstinctivelyopenaveinwiththeirteeth,whenheatedandexhaustedbyalongcourse,inordertobreathemorefreely.Iamoftentemptedtoopenavein,toprocureformyselfeverlastingliberty.
MARCH24.
Ihavetenderedmyresignationtothecourt.Ihopeitwillbeaccepted,andyouwillforgivemefornothavingpreviouslyconsultedyou.ItisnecessaryIshouldleavethisplace.Iknowallyouwillurgemetostay,andthereforeIbegyouwillsoftenthisnewstomymother.Iamunabletodoanythingformyself:how,then,shouldIbecompetenttoassistothers?ItwillafflictherthatIshouldhaveinterruptedthatcareerwhichwouldhavemademefirstaprivycouncillor,andthenminister,andthatIshouldlookbehindme,inplaceofadvancing.Argueasyouwill,combineallthereasonswhichshouldhaveinducedmetoremain,Iamgoing:thatissufficient.But,thatyoumaynotbeignorantofmydestination,ImaymentionthatthePrinceof——ishere.Heismuchpleasedwithmycompany;and,havingheardofmyintentiontoresign,hehasinvitedmetohiscountryhouse,topassthespringmonthswithhim.Ishallbeleftcompletelymyownmaster;and,asweagreeonallsubjectsbutone,Ishalltrymyfortune,andaccompanyhim.
APRILl9.
Thanksforbothyourletters.Idelayedmyreply,andwithheldthisletter,tillIshouldobtainananswerfromthecourt.Ifearedmymothermightapplytotheministertodefeatmypurpose.Butmyrequestisgranted,myresignationisaccepted.Ishallnotrecountwithwhatreluctanceitwasaccorded,norrelatewhattheministerhaswritten:youwouldonlyrenewyourlamentations.Thecrownprincehassentmeapresentoffiveandtwentyducats;and,indeed,suchgoodnesshasaffectedmetotears.ForthisreasonIshallnotrequirefrommymotherthemoneyforwhichIlatelyapplied.
MAY5.
Ileavethisplaceto-morrow;and,asmynativeplaceisonlysixmilesfromthehighroad,Iintendtovisititoncemore,andrecallthehappydreamsofmychildhood.IshallenteratthesamegatethroughwhichIcamewithmymother,when,aftermyfather\'sdeath,sheleftthatdelightfulretreattoimmureherselfinyourmelancholytown.Adieu,mydearfriend:youshallhearofmyfuturecareer.
MAY9.
Ihavepaidmyvisittomynativeplacewithallthedevotionofapilgrim,andhaveexperiencedmanyunexpectedemotions.Nearthegreatelmtree,whichisaquarterofaleaguefromthevillage,Igotoutofthecarriage,andsentitonbefore,thatalone,andonfoot,Imightenjoyvividlyandheartilyallthepleasureofmyrecollections.Istoodthereunderthatsameelmwhichwasformerlythetermandobjectofmywalks.Howthingshavesincechanged!Then,inhappyignorance,IsighedforaworldIdidnotknow,whereIhopedtofindeverypleasureandenjoymentwhichmyheartcoulddesire;andnow,onmyreturnfromthatwideworld,Omyfriend,howmanydisappointedhopesandunsuccessfulplanshaveIbroughtback!
AsIcontemplatedthemountainswhichlaystretchedoutbeforeme,Ithoughthowoftentheyhadbeentheobjectofmydearestdesires.HereusedItositforhourstogetherwithmyeyesbentuponthem,ardentlylongingtowanderintheshadeofthosewoods,tolosemyselfinthosevalleys,whichformsodelightfulanobjectinthedistance.WithwhatreluctancedidIleavethischarmingspot;whenmyhourofrecreationwasover,andmyleaveofabsenceexpired!Idrewneartothevillage:allthewell-knownoldsummerhousesandgardenswererecognisedagain;Idislikedthenewones,andallotheralterationswhichhadtakenplace.Ienteredthevillage,andallmyformerfeelingsreturned.Icannot,mydearfriend,enterintodetails,charmingasweremysensations:theywouldbedullinthenarration.Ihadintendedtolodgeinthemarket-place,nearouroldhouse.AssoonasIentered,Iperceivedthattheschoolroom,whereourchildhoodhadbeentaughtbythatgoodoldwoman,wasconvertedintoashop.Icalledtomindthesorrow,theheaviness,thetears,andoppressionofheart,whichIexperiencedinthatconfinement.Everystepproducedsomeparticularimpression.ApilgrimintheHolyLanddoesnotmeetsomanyspotspregnantwithtenderrecollections,andhissoulishardlymovedwithgreaterdevotion.Oneincidentwillserveforillustration.Ifollowedthecourseofastreamtoafarm,formerlyadelightfulwalkofmine,andpausedatthespot,where,whenboys,weusedtoamuseourselvesmakingducksanddrakesuponthewater.IrecollectedsowellhowIusedformerlytowatchthecourseofthatsamestream,followingitwithinquiringeagerness,formingromanticideasofthecountriesitwastopassthrough;butmyimaginationwassoonexhausted:whilethewatercontinuedflowingfartherandfartheron,tillmyfancybecamebewilderedbythecontemplationofaninvisibledistance.Exactlysuch,mydearfriend,sohappyandsoconfined,werethethoughtsofourgoodancestors.Theirfeelingsandtheirpoetrywerefreshaschildhood.And,whenUlyssestalksoftheimmeasurableseaandboundlessearth,hisepithetsaretrue,natural,deeplyfelt,andmysterious.OfwhatimportanceisitthatIhavelearned,witheveryschoolboy,thattheworldisround?Manneedsbutlittleearthforenjoyment,andstilllessforhisfinalrepose.
Iamatpresentwiththeprinceathishuntinglodge.Heisamanwithwhomonecanlivehappily.Heishonestandunaffected.Thereare,however,somestrangecharactersabouthim,whomIcannotatallunderstand.Theydonotseemvicious,andyettheydonotcarrytheappearanceofthoroughlyhonestmen.SometimesIamdisposedtobelievethemhonest,andyetIcannotpersuademyselftoconfideinthem.Itgrievesmetoheartheprinceoccasionallytalkofthingswhichhehasonlyreadorheardof,andalwayswiththesameviewinwhichtheyhavebeenrepresentedbyothers.
Hevaluesmyunderstandingandtalentsmorehighlythanmyheart,butIamproudofthelatteronly.Itisthesolesourceofeverythingofourstrength,happiness,andmisery.AlltheknowledgeIpossesseveryoneelsecanacquire,butmyheartisexclusivelymyown.
MAY25.
IhavehadaplaninmyheadofwhichIdidnotintendtospeaktoyouuntilitwasaccomplished:nowthatithasfailed,Imayaswellmentionit.Iwishedtoenterthearmy,andhadlongbeendesirousoftakingthestep.This,indeed,wasthechiefreasonformycomingherewiththeprince,asheisageneralintheservice.Icommunicatedmydesigntohimduringoneofourwalkstogether.Hedisapprovedofit,anditwouldhavebeenactualmadnessnottohavelistenedtohisreasons.
JUNE11.
Saywhatyouwill,Icanremainherenolonger.WhyshouldIremain?Timehangsheavyuponmyhands.Theprinceisasgracioustomeasanyonecouldbe,andyetIamnotatmyease.Thereis,indeed,nothingincommonbetweenus.Heisamanofunderstanding,butquiteoftheordinarykind.HisconversationaffordsmenomoreamusementthanIshouldderivefromtheperusalofawell-writtenbook.IshallremainhereaweekIonger,andthenstartagainonmytravels.MydrawingsarethebestthingsIhavedonesinceIcamehere.Theprincehasatasteforthearts,andwouldimproveifhismindwerenotfetteredbycoldrulesandmeretechnicalideas.Ioftenlosepatience,when,withaglowingimagination,Iamgivingexpressiontoartandnature,heinterfereswithlearnedsuggestions,andusesatrandomthetechnicalphraseologyofartists.
JULY16.
OncemoreIamawanderer,apilgrim,throughtheworld.Butwhatelseareyou!
JULY18.
WhitheramIgoing?Iwilltellyouinconfidence.Iamobligedtocontinueafortnightlongerhere,andthenIthinkitwouldbebetterformetovisittheminesin.ButIamonlydeludingmyselfthus.Thefactis,IwishtobenearCharlotteagain,thatisall.Ismileatthesuggestionsofmyheart,andobeyitsdictates.
JULY29.
No,no!itisyetwellalliswell!Iherhusband!OGod,whogavemebeing,ifthouhadstdestinedthishappinessforme,mywholelifewouldhavebeenonecontinualthanksgiving!ButIwillnotmurmur——forgivethesetears,forgivethesefruitlesswishes.She——mywife!Oh,theverythoughtoffoldingthatdearestofHeaven\'screaturesinmyarms!DearWilhelm,mywholeframefeelsconvulsedwhenIseeAlbertputhisarmsaroundherslenderwaist!
AndshallIavowit?WhyshouldInot,Wilhelm?Shewouldhavebeenhappierwithmethanwithhim.Albertisnotthemantosatisfythewishesofsuchaheart.Hewantsacertainsensibility;hewants——inshort,theirheartsdonotbeatinunison.Howoften,mydearfriend,imreadingapassagefromsomeinterestingbook,whenmyheartandCharlotte\'sseemedtomeet,andinahundredotherinstanceswhenoursentimentswereunfoldedbythestoryofsomefictitiouscharacter,haveIfeltthatweweremadeforeachother!But,dearWilhelm,helovesherwithhiswholesoul;andwhatdoesnotsuchalovedeserve?
Ihavebeeninterruptedbyaninsufferablevisit.Ihavedriedmytears,andcomposedmythoughts.Adieu,mybestfriend!
AUGUST4.
Iamnotaloneunfortunate.Allmenaredisappointedintheirhopes,anddeceivedintheirexpectations.Ihavepaidavisittomygoodoldwomanunderthelime-trees.Theeldestboyranouttomeetme:hisexclamationofjoybroughtouthismother,butshehadaverymelancholylook.Herfirstwordwas,\"Alas!dearsir,mylittleJohnisdead.\"Hewastheyoungestofherchildren.Iwassilent.\"AndmyhusbandhasreturnedfromSwitzerlandwithoutanymoney;and,ifsomekindpeoplehadnotassistedhim,hemusthavebeggedhiswayhome.Hewastakenillwithfeveronhisjourney.\"Icouldanswernothing,butmadethelittleoneapresent.Sheinvitedmetotakesomefruit:Icomplied,andlefttheplacewithasorrowfulheart.