WELLWYN。Indeed！
TIMSON。Well，seethatgirlnow！[Heshakeshishead。]Ineverdidbelieveingoin’behindaperson’sback——I’manEnglishman——but[loweringhisvoice]she’sabadhat，sir。Why，lookatthestreetshecomesfrom！
WELLWYN。Oh！youknowit。
TIMSON。Livedtheremeselflarstthreeyears。Seethedifferenceafewdays’corn’smadeinher。She’sthatsaucyyoucan’ttouch’erhead。
WELLWYN。Isthereanynecessity，Timson？
TIMSON。Artfultoo。Fullo’vice，Icall’er。Where’s’er’usband？
WELLWYN。[Gravely。]Come，Timson！Youwouldn’tlikeherto
TIMSON。[Withdignity，sothatthebottleinhispocketisplainlyvisible。]I’mamanasalwaysbearedinspection。
WELLWYN。[Withawell—directedsmile。]SoIsee。
TIMSON。[Curvinghimselfroundthebottle。]It’snotformetosaynothing——butIcantellagen’lemanasquickaseverIcantellan’orse。
WELLWYN。[Painting。]Ifinditsafesttoassumethateverymanisagentleman，andeverywomanalady。Savesnoendofself—contempt。
Givemethelittlebrush。
TIMSON。[Handinghimthebrush——afteraconsiderableintrospectivepause。]Wouldyerlikemetostayandwashitforyeragain？[Withgreatresolution。]Iwill——I’lldoitforyou——nevergrudgedworkin’
foragen’leman。
WELLWYN。[Withsincerity。]Thankyou，Timson——verygoodofyou，I’msure。[Hehandshimbackthebrush。]Justlendusahandwiththis。
[AssistedbyTIMSONhepushesbackthedais。]Let’ssee！WhatdoI
oweyou？
TIMSON。[Reluctantly。]Itso’appens，youadvancedmeto—day’syesterday。
WELLWYN。ThenIsupposeyouwantto—morrow’s？
TIMSON。Well，I’adtospendit，lookin’forapermanentjob。Whenyou’vegottodowith’orses，youcan’tneglectthepublics，oryoumightaswellbedead。
WELLWYN。Quiteso！
TIMSON。Itmountsupinthecourseo’theyear。
WELLWYN。Itwould。[Passinghimacoin。]Thisisforanexceptionalpurpose——Timson——see。Not
TIMSON。[Touchinghisforehead。]Certainly，sir。Iquiteunderstand。I’mnotthatsort，asIthinkI’veprovedtoyer，comin’
hereregulardayafterday，alltheweek。There’sonething，Ioughttowarnyouperhaps——Imight’avetogivethisjobupanyday。
[Hemakesafaintdemonstrationwiththelittlebrush，thenputsit，absent—mindedly，intohispocket。]
WELLWYN。[Gravely。]I’dneverstandinthewayofyourbetteringyourself，Timson。And，bytheway，mydaughterspoketoafriendaboutyouto—day。Ithinksomethingmaycomeofit。
TIMSON。Oh！Oh！Shedid！Well，itmightdomeabito’good。[Hemakesfortheouterdoor，butstops。]Thatforeigner！’Esticksinmygizzard。It’snotasiftherewasn’tplentyo’pigeonsfor’imtopluckin’isownGawd—forsakencountry。Reg—larjay，that’swhatI
calls’im。Icouldtellyersomething
[Hehasopenedthedoor，andsuddenlyseesthatFERRANDhimselfisstandingthere。Stickingouthislowerlip，TIMSONgivesarollofhisjawandlurchesforthintothestreet。Owingtoaslightmiscalculation，hisfaceandraisedarmsareplainlyvisiblethroughthewindow，ashefortifieshimselffromhisbattleagainstthecold。FERRAND，havingclosedthedoor，standswithhisthumbactingaspointertowardsthisspectacle。
Heisnowremarkablydressedinanartist’ssquashygreenhat，afrockcoattoosmallforhim，abrightbluetieofknittedsilk，thegreytrousersthatweretorn，well—wornbrownboots，andatanwaistcoat。
WELLWYN。Whatluckto—day？
FERRAND。[Withashrug。]AgainIhavebeatenallLondon，Monsieur—
—notonebite。[Contemplatinghimself。]Ithinkperhaps，that，forthebourgeoisie，thereisalittletoomuchcolourinmycostume。
WELLWYN。[Contemplatinghim。]Let’ssee——IbelieveI’veanoldtophatsomewhere。
FERRAND。Ah！Monsieur，’merci’，butthatIcouldnot。Itisscarcelyinmycharacter。
WELLWYN。True！
FERRAND。Ihavebeentomerchantsofwine，oftabac，tohotels，toLeicesterSquare。IhavebeentoaSocietyforspreadingChristianknowledge——IthoughtthereIwouldhaveachanceperhapsasinterpreter。’Toujoursmemechose’，weregret，wehavenosituationforyou——samethingeverywhere。Itseemsthereisnothingdoinginthistown。
WELLWYN。I’venoticed，thereneveris。
FERRAND。Iwasthinking，Monsieur，thatinaviationtheremightbeacareerforme——butitseemsonemustbetrained。
WELLWYN。Afraidso，Ferrand。
FERRAND。[Approachingthepicture。]Ah！Youarealwaysworkingatthis。Youwillhavesomethingofverygoodthere，Monsieur。Youwishtofixthetypeofwildsavageexistingeveramongstourhighcivilisation。’C’esttreschicca’！[WELLWYNmanifeststhequietdelightofanEnglishartistactuallyunderstood。]Inthefiguresofthesegoodcitizens，towhomsheoffersherflower，youwouldgivetheideaofallthecagedoorsopentocatchandmaketamethewildbird，thatwillsurelydiewithin。’Tresgentil’！Believeme，Monsieur，youhavetherethegreatestcomedyoflife！Howanxiousarethetamebirdstodothewildbirdsgood。[Hisvoicechanges。]
Forthewildbirdsitisnotfunny。Thereisinsomehumansouls，Monsieur，whatcannotbemadetame。
WELLWYN。Ibelieveyou，Ferrand。
[Thefaceofayoungmanappearsatthewindow，unseen。
SuddenlyANNopensthedoorleadingtothehouse。
ANN。Daddy——Iwantyou。
WELLWYN。[ToFERRAND。]Excusemeaminute！
[Hegoestohisdaughter，andtheypassout。FERRANDremainsatthepicture。MRS。MEGANdressedinsomeofANN’sdiscardedgarments，hascomeoutofthemodel’sroom。ShestealsupbehindFERRANDlikeacat，reachesanarmup，andcurlsitroundhismouth。Heturns，andtriestoseizeher;shedisingenuouslyslipsaway。Hefollows。Thechasecirclestheteatable。Hecatchesher，liftsherup，swingsroundwithher，sothatherfeetflyout;kissesherbent—backface，andsetsherdown。Shestandstheresmiling。Thefaceatthewindowdarkens。
FERRAND。LaValse！
[Hetakesherwithbothhandsbythewaist，sheputsherhandsagainsthisshoulderstopushhimof——andsuddenlytheyarewhirling。Astheywhirl，theybobtogetheronceortwice，andkiss。Then，withawarningmotiontowardsthedoor，shewrenchesherselffree，andstopsbesidethepicture，tryingdesperatelytoappeardemure。WELLWYNandANNhaveentered。
Thefacehasvanished。
FERRAND。[Pointingtothepicture。]Onedoesnotcomprehendallthis，Monsieur，withoutwellstudying。IwasintraintointerpretforMa’moisellethechiaroscuro。
WELLWYN。[Withaqueerlook。]Don’ttakeittooseriously，Ferrand。
FERRAND。Itisamasterpiece。
WELLWYN。Mydaughter’sjustspokentoafriend，ProfessorCalway。
He’dliketomeetyou。Couldyoucomebackalittlelater？
FERRAND。Certainly，Ma’moiselle。Thatwillbeanopeningforme，I
trust。[Hegoestothestreetdoor。]
ANN。[Payingnoattentiontohim。]Mrs。Megan，willyoutoocomebackinhalfanhour？
FERRAND。’Tresbien，Ma’moiselle’！Iwillseethatshedoes。Wewilltakealittlepromenadetogether。Thatwilldousgood。
[Hemotionstowardsthedoor;MRS。MEGAN，alleyes，followshimout。
ANN。Oh！Daddy，theyarerotters。Couldn’tyouseetheywerehavingthemosthighjinks？
WELLWYN。[Athispicture。]Iseemedtohavenoticedsomething。
ANN。[Preparingfortea。]Theywerekissing。
WELLWYN。Tt！Tt！
ANN。They’rehopeless，allthree——especiallyher。WishIhadn’tgivenhermyclothesnow。
WELLWYN。[Absorbed。]Somethingofwild—savage。
ANN。Thankgoodnessit’stheVicar’sbusinesstoseethatmarriedpeoplelivetogetherinhisparish。
WELLWYN。Oh！[Dubiously。]TheMegansareRomanCatholic—Atheists，Ann。
ANN。[Withheat。]Thenthey’reallthemorebound。[WELLWYNgivesasuddenandalarmedwhistle。]
ANN。What’sthematter？
WELLWYN。Didn’tyousayyouspoketoSirThomas，too。SupposehecomesinwhiletheProfessor’shere。They’recatanddog。
ANN。[Blankly。]Oh！[AsWELLWYNstrikesamatch。]Thesamovarislighted。[Takingupthenearlyemptydecanterofrumandgoingtothecupboard。]It’sallright。Hewon’t。
WELLWYN。We’llhopenot。
[Heturnsbacktohispicture。]
ANN。[Atthecupboard。]Daddy！
WELLWYN。Hi！
ANN。Therewerethreebottles。
WELLWYN。Oh！
ANN。Well！Nowtherearen’tany。
WELLWYN。[Abstracted。]That’llbeTimson。
ANN。[Withrealhorror。]Butit’sawful！
WELLWYN。Itis，mydear。
ANN。Insevendays。Tosaynothingofthestealing。
WELLWYN。[Vexed。]Iblamemyself—verymuch。Oughttohavekeptitlockedup。
ANN。Yououghttokeephimlockedup！
[Thereisheardamildbutauthoritativeknock。]
WELLWYN。Here’stheVicar！
ANN。Whatareyougoingtodoabouttherum？
WELLWYN。[OpeningthedoortoCANONBERTLEY。]Comein，Vicar！
HappyNewYear！
BERTLEY。Sametoyou！Ah！Ann！I’vegotintotouchwithheryounghusband——he’scominground。
ANN。[Stillalittleoutofherplate。]ThankGo———Moses！
BERTLEY。[Faintlysurprised。]FromwhatIhearhe’snotreallyabadyouth。Afraidhebetsonhorses。Thegreatthing，WELLWYN，withthosepoorfellowsistoputyourfingerontheweakspot。
ANN。[Toherself—gloomily。]That’snotdifficult。Whatwouldyoudo，CanonBertley，withamanwho’sbeendrinkingfather’srum？
BERTLEY。Removethetemptation，ofcourse。
WELLWYN。He’sdonethat。
BERTLEY。Ah！Then——[WELLWYNandANNhangonhiswords]thenI
should——erANN。[Abruptly。]Removehim。
BERTLEY。BeforeIsaythat，Ann，Imustcertainlyseetheindividual。
WELLWYN。[Pointingtothewindow。]Thereheis！
[InthefailinglightTIMSON’Sfaceisindeedtobeseenpressedagainstthewindowpane。]
ANN。Daddy，Idowishyou’dhavethickglassputin。It’ssodisgustingtobespiedat！[WELLWYNgoingquicklytothedoor，hasopenedit。]Whatdoyouwant？[TIMSONenterswithdignity。Heisfuddled。
TIMSON。[Slowly。]Arskin’yerpardon—thoughtitmedutytocomeback—foundthishyerlittlebrishelonme。[Heproducesthelittlepaintbrush。]
ANN。[Inadeadlyvoice。]Nothingelse？
[TIMSONaccordsheraglassystare。]
WELLWYN。[Takingthebrushhastily。]That’lldo，Timson，thanks！
TIMSON。AsIam’ere，canIdoanythingforyer？
ANN。Yes，youcansweepoutthatlittleroom。[Shepointstothemodel’sroom。]There’sabroominthere。
TIMSON。[Disagreeablysurprised。]Certainly;nevermakebonesaboutalittleextra——never’aveinallmelife。Doitatonsh，I
will。[Hemovesacrosstothemodel’sroomatthatpeculiarbroadgaitsoperfectlyadjustedtohishabits。]Youquiteunderstandme——couldn’tbearto’aveanythingonmethatwasn’tmine。
[Hepassesout。
ANN。Oldfraud！
WELLWYN。\"In\"and\"on。\"Markmywords，he’llrestorethe——bottles。
BERTLEY。But，mydearWELLWYN，thatisstealing。
WELLWYN。Weallhaveourdiscrepancies，Vicar。
ANN。Daddy！Discrepancies！
WELLWYN。Well，Ann，mytheoryisthatasregardssolidsTimson’sanIndividualist，butasregardsliquidshe’saSocialist……or’viceversa’，accordingtotaste。
BERTLEY。No，no，wemustn’tjokeaboutit。[Gravely。]Idothinkheshouldbespokento。
WELLWYN。Yes，butnotbyme。
BERTLEY。Surelyyou’retheproperperson。
WELLWYN。[Shakinghishead。]Itwasmyrum，Vicar。Looksopersonal。
[Theresoundanumberoflittletat—tatknocks。]
WELLWYN。Isn’tthattheProfessor’sknock？
[WhileAnnsitsdowntomaketea，hegoestothedoorandopensit。There，dressedinanulster，standsathin，clean—shavedman，withalittlehollowsuckedintoeithercheek，who，takingoffagreysquashhat，disclosesamajesticallybaldforehead，whichcompletelydominatesallthatcomesbelowit。]
WELLWYN。Comein，Professor！Soawfullygoodofyou！YouknowCanonBentley，Ithink？
CALWAY。Ah！Howd’youdo？
WELLWYN。Youropinionwillbeinvaluable，Professor。
ANN。Tea，ProfessorCalway？
[Theyhaveassembledroundtheteatable。]
CALWAY。Thankyou;notea;milk。
WELLWYN。Rum？
[HepoursrumintoCALWAY’smilk。]
CALWAY。Alittle—thanks！[TurningtoANN。]Youweregoingtoshowmesomeoneyou’retryingtorescue，orsomething，Ithink。
ANN。Oh！Yes。He’llbeheredirectly——simplyperfectrotter。
CALWAY。[Smiling。]Really！Ah！Ithinkyousaidhewasacongenital？
WELLWYN。[Withgreatinterest。]What！
ANN。[Low。]Daddy！[ToCALWAY。]Yes;I——Ithinkthat’swhatyoucallhim。
CALWAY。Notold？
ANN。No;andquitehealthy——avagabond。
CALWAY。[Sipping。]Isee！Yes。Isit，doyouthinkchronicunemploymentwithavagranttendency？Orwoulditbenearerthemarktosay:Vagrancy
WELLWYN。Pure！Oh！pure！Professor。Awfullyhuman。
CALWAY。[Withasmileofknowledge。]Quite！And——er
ANN。[Breakingin。]Beforehecomes，there’sanother
BERTLEY。[Blandly。]Yes，whenyoucamein，wewerediscussingwhatshouldbedonewithamanwhodrinksrum——[CALWAYpausesintheactofdrinking]——thatdoesn’tbelongtohim。
CALWAY。Really！Dipsomaniac？
BERTLEY。Well——perhapsyoucouldtellus——drinkcertainlychangingthinetomine。TheProfessorcouldseehim，WELLWYN？
ANN。[Rising。]Yes，docomeandlookathim，ProfessorCALWAY。
He’sinthere。
[Shepointstowardsthemodel’sroom。CALWAYsmilesdeprecatingly。]
ANN。No，really;weneedn’topenthedoor。Youcanseehimthroughtheglass。He’smorethanhalf
CALWAY。Well，Ihardly
ANN。Oh！Do！Comeon，ProfessorCALWAY！Wemustknowwhattodowithhim。[CALWAYrises。]Youcanstandonachair。It’sallscience。
[ShedrawsCALWAYtothemodel’sroom，whichislightedbyaglasspanelinthetopofthehighdoor。CANONBERTLEYalsorisesandstandswatching。WELLWYNhovers，tornbetweenrespectforscienceanddislikeofespionage。]
ANN。[Drawingupachair。]Comeon！
CALWAY。Doyouseriouslywishmeto？
ANN。Rather！It’squitesafe;hecan’tseeyou。
CALWAY。Buthemightcomeout。
[ANNputsherbackagainstthedoor。CALWAYmountsthechairdubiously，andraiseshisheadcautiously，bendingitmoreandmoredownwards。]
ANN。Well？
CALWAY。Heappearstobe———sittingonthefloor。
WELLWYN。Yes，that’sallright！
[BERTLEYcovershislips。]
CALWAY。[ToANN——descending。]Bythelookofhisface，asfarasonecanseeit，Ishouldsaytherewasaleaningtowardsmania。I
knowthetreatment。
[Therecomethreeloudknocksonthedoor。WELLWYNandANN
exchangeaglanceofconsternation。
ANN。Who’sthat？
WELLWYN。ItsoundslikeSirThomas。
CALWAY。SirThomasHoxton？
WELLWYN。[Nodding。]Awfullysorry，Professor。Yousee，we
CALWAY。Notatall。Only，Imustdeclinetobeinvolvedinargumentwithhim，please。
BERTLEY。Hehasexperience。Wemightgethisopinion，don’tyouthink？
CALWAY。Onapointofreform？AJ。P。！
BERTLEY。[Deprecating。]MydearSir——weneedn’ttakeit。
[Thethreeknocksresoundwithextraordinaryfury。]
ANN。You’dbetteropenthedoor，Daddy。
[WELLWYNopensthedoor。SIR，THOMASHOXTONisdisclosedinafurovercoatandtophat。Hissquare，well—colouredfaceisremarkableforamassivejaw，dominatingallthatcomesaboveit。HisVoiceisresolute。]
HOXTON。AfraidIdidn’tmakemyselfheard。
WELLWYN。Sogoodofyoutocome，SirThomas。CanonBertley！[Theygreet。]ProfessorCALWAYyouknow，Ithink。
HOXTON。[Ominously。]Ido。
[Theyalmostgreet。Anawkwardpause。]
ANN。[Blurtingitout。]ThatoldcabmanItoldyouof’sbeendrinkingfather’srum。
BERTLEY。Wewerejustdiscussingwhat’stobedonewithhim，SirThomas。Onewantstodotheverybest，ofcourse。Thequestionofreformisalwaysdelicate。
CALWAY。Ibegyourpardon。Thereisnoquestionhere。
HOXTON。[Abruptly。]Oh！Isheinthehouse？
ANN。Inthere。
HOXTON。Worksforyou，eh？
WELLWYN。Er——yes。
HOXTON。Let’shavealookathim！
[Anembarrassedpause。]
BERTLEY。Well——thefactis，SirThomas
CALWAY。Whenlastunderobservation
ANN。Hewassittingonthefloor。
WELLWYN。Idon’twanttheoldfellowtofeelhe’sbeingmadeashowof。Disgustingtobespiedat，Ann。
ANN。Youcan’t，Daddy！He’sdrunk。
HOXTON。Nevermind，MissWELLWYN。Hundredsofthesefellowsbeforemeinmytime。[AtCALWAY。]Theonlythingisasharplesson！
CALWAY。Idisagree。I’veseentheman;whatherequiresissteadycontrol，andthebobbinstreatment。
[WELLWYNapproachesthemwithfearfulinterest。]
HOXTON。Notabitofit！Hewantsoneforhisknob！Brace’emup！
It’stheonlything。
BERTLEY。Personally，IthinkthatifhewerespokentoseriouslyCALWAY。Icannotwalkarminarmwithacrab！
HOXTON。[ApproachingCALWAY。]Ibegyourpardon？
CALWAY。[Movingbackalittle。]You’removingbackwards，SirThomas。I’vetoldyoubefore，convincedreactionaryism，inthesedays
[Therecomesasingleknockonthestreetdoor。]
BERTLEY。[Lookingathiswatch。]D’youknow，I’mratherafraidthismaybeouryounghusband，WELLWYN。Itoldhimhalf—pastfour。
WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！Yes。[Goingtowardsthetworeformers。]Shallwegointothehouse，Professor，andsettlethequestionquietlywhiletheVicarseesayoungman？
CALWAY。[Palewithuncompletedstatement，andgravitatinginsensiblyinthedirectionindicated。]Themerestsenseofcontinuity——asimpleinstinctfororder
HOXTON。[Following。]Theonlywaytogetorder，sir，istobringthedisorderlyupwitharoundturn。[CALWAYturnstohiminthedoorway。]Youpeoplewithoutpracticalexperience
CALWAY。Ifyou’lllistentomeaminute。
HOXTON。Icanshowyouinamo
[Theyvanishthroughthedoor。]
WELLWYN。Iwasafraidofit。
BERTLEY。Thetwopointsofview。Pleasanttoseesuchkeenness。
Imaywantyou，WELLWYN。AndAnnperhapshadbetternotbepresent。
WELLWYN。[Relieved。]Quiteso！Mydear！
[ANNgoesreluctantly。WELLWYNopensthestreetdoor。Thelampoutsidehasjustbeenlighted，and，byitsgleam，isseenthefigureofRORYMEGAN，thin，pale，youthful。ANNturningatthedoorintothehousegiveshimalong，inquisitivelook，thengoes。]