OneneedstosaveupbeforehandifonedesirestospendanylengthoftimeinHolland。OnetalksofdearoldEngland,butthedearestlandinalltheworldislittleHolland。TheflorinthereisequaltothefrancinFranceandtotheshillinginEngland。TheytellyouthatcigarsarecheapinHolland。AcheapDutchcigarwilllastyouaday。Itisnotuntilyouhaveforgottenthetasteofitthatyoufeelyoueverwanttosmokeagain。IknewamanwhoreckonedthathehadsavedhundredsofpoundsbysmokingDutchcigarsforamonthsteadily。Itwasyearsbeforeheagainventuredontobacco。
WatchingbuildingoperationsinHollandbringshometoyouforcibly,whatpreviouslyyouhaveregardedasameaninglessformula——namely,thatthecountryisbuiltuponpiles。Adozenfeetbelowthelevelofthestreetoneseesthelabourersworkinginfishermen’sbootsuptotheirkneesinwater,drivingthegreatwoodenblocksintothemud。Manyoftheolderhousesslopeforwardatsuchananglethatyoualmostfeartopassbeneaththem。Ishouldbeasnervousasakitten,livinginoneoftheupperstoreys。ButtheDutchmanleansoutofawindowthatishangingabovethestreetsixfeetbeyondtheperpendicular,andsmokescontentedly。
TheyhaveamerrycustominHollandofkeepingtherailwaytimetwentyminutesaheadofthetowntime——orisittwentyminutesbehind?InevercanrememberwhenI’mthere,andIamnotsurenow。
TheDutchmanhimselfneverknows。
\"You’veplentyoftime,\"hesays\"Butthetraingoesatten,\"yousay;\"thestationisamileaway,anditisnowhalf—pastnine。\"
\"Yes,butthatmeansten—twenty,\"heanswers,\"youhavenearlyanhour。\"
Fiveminuteslaterhetapsyouontheshoulder。
\"Mymistake,it’stwentytoten。Iwasthinkingitwastheotherwayabout。\"
Anotherargueswithhimthathisfirstideawasright。Theyworkitoutbyscientificmethods。Meanwhileyouhavedivedintoacab。Theresultisalwaysthesame:youareeitherfortyminutestoosoon,oryouhavemissedthetrainbytwentyminutes。ADutchplatformisalwayscrowdedwithwomenexplainingvolublytotheirhusbandseitherthattherewasnotanyneedtohavehurried,orelsethatthethingwouldhavebeentohavestartedhalfanhourbeforetheydid,themaninbothcasesbeing,ofcourse,toblame。Themenwalkupanddownandswear。
Theideahasbeensuggestedthattherailwaytimeandthetowntimeshouldbemadetoconform。TheargumentagainsttheideaisthatifitwerecarriedouttherewouldbenothinglefttoputtheDutchmanoutandworryhim。
SHOULDWESAYWHATWETHINK,ORTHINKWHATWESAY?
AmadfriendofminewillhaveitthatthecharacteristicoftheageisMake—Believe。Hearguesthatallsocialintercourseisfoundedonmake—believe。AservantenterstosaythatMr。andMrs。Boreareinthedrawing—room。
\"Oh,damn!\"saystheman。
\"Hush!\"saysthewoman。\"Shutthedoor,Susan。HowoftenamItotellyounevertoleavethedooropen?\"
Themancreepsupstairsontiptoeandshutshimselfinhisstudy。
Thewomandoesthingsbeforealooking—glass,waitstillshefeelssheissufficientlymistressofherselfnottoshowherfeelings,andthenentersthedrawing—roomwithoutstretchedhandsandthelookofonewelcominganangel’svisit。ShesayshowdelightedsheistoseetheBores——howgooditwasofthemtocome。WhydidtheynotbringmoreBoreswiththem?WhereisnaughtyBorejunior?Whydoeshenevercometoseehernow?Shewillhavetobereallyangrywithhim。AndsweetlittleFlossieBore?Tooyoungtopaycalls!
Nonsense。An\"AtHome\"dayisnotworthhavingwherealltheBoresarenot。
TheBores,whohadhopedthatshewasout——whohaveonlycalledbecausetheetiquettebooktoldthemthattheymustcallatleastfourtimesintheseason,explainhowtheyhavebeentryingandtryingtocome。
\"Thisafternoon,\"recountsMrs。Bore,\"weweredeterminedtocome。
’John,dear,’Isaidthismorning,’IshallgoandseedearMrs。
Bounderthisafternoon,nomatterwhathappens。’\"
TheideaconveyedisthatthePrinceofWales,oncallingattheBores,wastoldthathecouldnotcomein。Hemightcallagainintheeveningorcomesomeotherday。
ThatafternoontheBoresweregoingtoenjoythemselvesintheirownway;theyweregoingtoseeMrs。Bounder。
\"AndhowisMr。Bounder?\"demandsMrs。Bore。
Mrs。Bounderremainsmuteforamoment,strainingherears。Shecanhearhimcreepingpastthedooronhiswaydownstairs。Shehearsthefrontdoorsoftlyopenedandclosed—to。Shewakes,asfromadream。
ShehasbeenthinkingofthesorrowthatwillfallonBounderwhenhereturnshomelaterandlearnswhathehasmissed。
Andthusitis,notonlywiththeBoresandBounders,butevenwithuswhoarenotBoresorBounders。Societyinallranksisfoundedonthemake—believethateverybodyischarming;thatwearedelightedtoseeeverybody;thateverybodyisdelightedtoseeus;thatitissogoodofeverybodytocome;thatwearedesolateatthethoughtthattheyreallymustgonow。
Whichwouldweratherdo——stopandfinishourcigarorhastenintothedrawing—roomtohearMissScreechersing?Canyouaskus?Wetumbleovereachotherinourhurry。MissScreecherwouldreallyrathernotsing;butifweinsist——Wedoinsist。MissScreecher,withprettyreluctance,consents。Wearecarefulnottolookatoneanother。Wesitwithoureyesfixedontheceiling。MissScreecherfinishes,andrises。
\"Butitwassoshort,\"wesay,sosoonaswecanbeheardabovetheapplause。IsMissScreecherquitesurethatwasthewholeofit?Orhasshebeenplayingtricksuponus,thenaughtylady,defraudingusofaverse?MissScreecherassuresusthatthefaultisthecomposer’s。Butsheknowsanother。Atthishint,ourfaceslightenagainwithgladness。Weclamourformore。
Ourhost’swineisalwaysthemostextraordinarywehaveevertasted。
No,notanotherglass;wedarenot——doctor’sorders,verystrict。
Ourhost’scigar!Wedidnotknowtheymadesuchcigarsinthisworkadayworld。No,wereallycouldnotsmokeanother。Well,ifhewillbesopressing,mayweputitinourpocket?Thetruthis,wearenotusedtohighsmoking。Ourhostess’scoffee!Wouldsheconfidetoushersecret?Thebaby!Wehardlytrustourselvestospeak。Theusualbaby——wehaveseenit。Asarule,tobecandid,wenevercoulddetectmuchbeautyinbabies——havealwaysheldtheusualgushaboutthemtobeinsincere。Butthisbaby!Wearealmostonthepointofaskingthemwheretheygotit。Itisjustthekindwewantedforourselves。LittleJanet’srecitation:\"AVisittotheDentist!\"Hithertotheamateurreciterhasnotappealedtous。Butthisisgenius,surely。Sheoughttobetrainedforthestage。Hermotherdoesnotaltogetherapproveofthestage。Wepleadforthestage——thatitmaynotbedeprivedofsuchtalent。
Everybrideisbeautiful。Everybridelookscharminginasimplecostumeof——forfurtherparticularsseelocalpapers。Everymarriageisacauseforuniversalrejoicing。Withourwine—glassinourhandwepicturetheideallifeweknowtobeinstoreforthem。Howcanitbeotherwise?She,thedaughterofhermother。(Cheers。)He——
well,weallknowhim。(Morecheers。)Alsoinvoluntaryguffawfromill—regulatedyoungmanatendoftable,promptlysuppressed。
Wecarryourmake—believeevenintoourreligion。Wesitinchurch,andinvoicesswellingwithpride,mentiontotheAlmighty,atstatedintervals,thatwearemiserableworms——thatthereisnogoodinus。
Thissortofthing,wegather,isexpectedofus;itdoesusnoharm,andissupposedtoplease。
Wemake—believethateverywomanisgood,thateverymanishonest——
untiltheyinsistonforcingus,againstourwill,toobservethattheyarenot。Thenwebecomeveryangrywiththem,andexplaintothemthatthey,beingsinners,arenotfolkfittomixwithusperfectpeople。Ourgrief,whenourrichauntdies,ishardlytobeborne。Drapersmakefortunes,helpingustoexpressfeeblyourdesolation。Ouronlyconsolationisthatshehasgonetoabetterworld。
Everybodygoestoabetterworldwhentheyhavegotalltheycanoutofthisone。
Westandaroundtheopengraveandtelleachotherso。Theclergymanissoassuredofitthat,tosavetime,theyhavewrittenouttheformulaforhimandhaditprintedinalittlebook。Asachilditusedtosurpriseme——thisfactthateverybodywenttoheaven。
Thinkingofallthepeoplethathaddied,Ipicturedtheplaceovercrowded。AlmostIfeltsorryfortheDevil,nobodyevercominghisway,sotospeak。Isawhiminimagination,alonelyoldgentleman,sittingathisgatedayafterday,hopingagainsthope,mutteringtohimselfmaybethatithardlyseemedworthwhile,fromhispointofview,keepingtheshowopen。AnoldnursewhomIoncetookintomyconfidencewassure,ifIcontinuedtalkinginthissortofway,thathewouldgetmeanyhow。Imusthavebeenanevil—
heartedyoungster。Thethoughtofhowhewouldwelcomeme,theonlyhumanbeingthathehadseenforyears,hadacertainfascinationforme;foronceinmyexistenceIshouldbemadeafussabout。
Ateverypublicmeetingthechiefspeakerisalways\"ajollygoodfellow。\"ThemanfromMars,readingournewspapers,wouldbeconvincedthateveryMemberofParliamentwasajovial,kindly,high—
hearted,generous—souledsaint,withjustsufficienthumanityinhimtopreventtheangelsfromcarryinghimoffbodily。Donottheentireaudience,movedbyonecommonimpulse,declarehimthreetimesrunning,andinstentorianvoice,tobethis\"jollygoodfellow\"?Sosayallofthem。Wehavealwayslistenedwiththemostintensepleasuretothebrilliantspeechofourfriendwhohasjustsatdown。
Whenyouthoughtwewereyawning,weweredrinkinginhiseloquence,open—mouthed。
Thehigheroneascendsinthesocialscale,thewiderbecomesthisnecessarybaseofmake—believe。Whenanythingsadhappenstoaverybigperson,thelesserpeopleroundabouthimhardlycaretogoonliving。Seeingthattheworldissomewhatoverstockedwithpersonsofimportance,andthatsomethingoranothergenerallyishappeningtothem,onewonderssometimeshowitistheworldcontinuestoexist。
Onceuponatimethereoccurredanillnesstoacertaingoodandgreatman。Ireadinmydailypaperthatthewholenationwasplungedingrief。Peopledininginpublicrestaurants,onbeingtoldthenewsbythewaiter,droppedtheirheadsuponthetableandsobbed。Strangers,meetinginthestreet,flungtheirarmsaboutoneanotherandcriedlikelittlechildren。Iwasabroadatthetime,butonthepointofreturninghome。Ialmostfeltashamedtogo。I
lookedatmyselfintheglass,andwasshockedatmyownappearance:
itwasthatofamanwhohadnotbeenintroubleforweeks。Ifeltthattoburstuponthisgrief—strickennationwithacountenancesuchasminewouldbetoaddtotheirsorrow。ItwasborneinuponmethatImusthaveashallow,egotisticalnature。IhadhadluckwithaplayinAmerica,andforthelifeofmeIcouldnotlookgrief—
stricken。Thereweremomentswhen,ifIwasnotkeepingawatchovermyself,Ifoundmyselfwhistling。
HaditbeenpossibleIwouldhaveremainedabroadtillsomestrokeofill—fortunehadrenderedmemoreintunewithmyfellow—countrymen。
Butbusinesswaspressing。ThefirstmanItalkedtoonDoverpierwasaCustomsHouseofficial。Youmighthavethoughtsorrowwouldhavemadehimindifferenttoamerematterofforty—eightcigars。
Insteadofwhich,heappearedquitepleasedwhenhefoundthem。Hedemandedthree—and—fourpence,andchuckledwhenhegotit。OnDoverplatformalittlegirllaughedbecausealadydroppedahandboxonadog;butthenchildrenarealwayscallous——or,perhaps,shehadnotheardthenews。
Whatastonishedmemost,however,wastofindintherailwaycarriagearespectablelookingmanreadingacomicjournal。True,hedidnotlaughmuch:hehadgotdecencyenoughforthat;butwhatwasagrief—strickencitizendoingwithacomicjournal,anyhow?BeforeI
hadbeeninLondonanhourIhadcometotheconclusionthatweEnglishmustbeapeopleofwonderfulself—control。Thedaybefore,accordingtothenewspapers,thewholecountrywasinseriousdangerofpiningawayanddyingofabrokenheart。Inonedaythenationhadpulleditselftogether。\"Wehavecriedallday,\"theyhadsaidtothemselves,\"wehavecriedallnight。Itdoesnotseemtohavedonemuchgood。Nowletusonceagaintakeuptheburdenoflife。\"
Someofthem——Inoticeditinthehoteldining—roomthatevening——
weretakingquitekindlytotheirfoodagain。
Wemakebelieveaboutquiteseriousthings。Inwar,eachcountry’ssoldiersarealwaysthemostcourageousintheworld。Theothercountry’ssoldiersarealwaystreacherousandtricky;thatiswhytheysometimeswin。Literatureistheartofmake—believe。
\"Nowallofyousitroundandthrowyourpenniesinthecap,\"saystheauthor,\"andIwillpretendthattherelivesinBayswaterayoungladynamedAngelina,whoisthemostbeautifulyoungladythateverexisted。AndinNottingHill,wewillpretend,thereresidesayoungmannamedEdwin,whoisinlovewithAngelina。\"
Andthen,therebeingsufficientpenniesinthecap,theauthorstartsaway,andpretendsthatAngelinathoughtthisandsaidthat,andthatEdwindidallsortsofwonderfulthings。Weknowheismakingitallupashegoesalong。Weknowheismakingupjustwhathethinkswillpleaseus。He,ontheotherhand,hastomake—believethatheisdoingitbecausehecannothelpit,hebeinganartist。
Butweknowwellenoughthat,werewetostopthrowingthepenniesintothecap,hewouldfindoutprecioussoonthathecould。
Thetheatricalmanagerbangshisdrum。
\"Walkup!walkup!\"hecries,\"wearegoingtopretendthatMrs。
Johnsonisaprincess,andoldmanJohnsonisgoingtopretendtobeapirate。Walkup,walkup,andbeintime!\"
SoMrs。Johnson,pretendingtobeaprincess,comesoutofawobblythingthatweagreetopretendisacastle;andoldmanJohnson,pretendingtobeapirate,ispushedupanddownonanotherwobblythingthatweagreetopretendistheocean。Mrs。Johnsonpretendstobeinlovewithhim,whichweknowsheisnot。AndJohnsonpretendstobeaveryterribleperson;andMrs。Johnsonpretends,tilleleveno’clock,tobelieveit。Andwepayprices,varyingfromashillingtohalf—a—sovereign,tositfortwohoursandlistentothem。
ButasIexplainedatthebeginning,myfriendisamadsortofperson。
ISTHEAMERICANHUSBANDMADEENTIRELYOFSTAINEDGLASS。
IamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。AtfirstsightthismayappeararemarkuncomplimentarytotheAmericanwife。Itisnothingofthesort。Itistheotherwayabout。We,inEurope,haveplentyofopportunityofjudgingtheAmericanwife。InAmericayouhearoftheAmericanwife,youaretoldstoriesabouttheAmericanwife,youseeherportraitintheillustratedjournals。Bysearchingundertheheading\"ForeignIntelligence,\"youcanfindoutwhatsheisdoing。
ButhereinEuropeweknowher,meetherfacetoface,talktoher,flirtwithher。Sheischarming,delightful。ThatiswhyIsayIamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。IftheAmericanhusbandonlyknewhownicewastheAmericanwife,hewouldsellhisbusinessandcomeoverhere,wherenowandthenhecouldseeher。
Yearsago,whenIfirstbegantotravelaboutEurope,IarguedtomyselfthatAmericamustbeadeadlyplacetolivein。Howsaditis,Ithoughttomyself,tomeetthus,whereveronegoes,Americanwidowsbythethousand。Inonenarrowby—streetofDresdenI
calculatedfourteenAmericanmothers,possessingnine—and—twentyAmericanchildren,andnotafatheramongthem——notasinglehusbandamongthewholefourteen。Ipicturedfourteenlonelygraves,scatteredovertheUnitedStates。Isawasinavisionthosefourteenhead—stonesofbestmaterial,hand—carved,recordingthevirtuesofthosefourteendeadandburiedhusbands。
Odd,thoughtItomyself,decidedlyodd。TheseAmericanhusbands,theymustbeadelicatetypeofhumanity。Thewonderistheirmotherseverrearedthem。Theymarryfinegirls,themajorityofthem;twoorthreesweetchildrenareborntothem,andafterthatthereappearstobenofurtheruseforthem,asfarasthisworldisconcerned。Cannothingbedonetostrengthentheirconstitutions?
Wouldatonicbeofanyhelptothem?Notthecustomarytonic,I
don’tmean,thesortoftonicmerelyintendedtomakegoutyoldgentlemenfeeltheywanttobuyahoop,butthesortoftonicforwhichitwasclaimedthatthreedropspoureduponahamsandwichandthethingwouldbegintosqueak。
Itstruckmeaspathetic,thepictureoftheseAmericanwidowsleavingtheirnativeland,comingoverinshiploadstospendtherestoftheirblightedlivesinexile。ThemerethoughtofAmerica,I
tookit,hadforeverbecometothemdistasteful。Thegroundthatoncehisfeethadpressed!Theoldfamiliarplacesoncelightedbyhissmile!EverythinginAmericawouldremindthemofhim。
Snatchingtheirbabestotheirheavingbosomstheywouldleavethecountrywherelayburiedallthejoyoftheirlives,seekintheretirementofParis,FlorenceorVienna,oblivionofthepast。
Also,itstruckmeasbeautiful,thenobleresignationwithwhichtheyboretheirgrief,hidingtheirsorrowfromtheindifferentstranger。Somewidowsmakeafuss,goaboutforweekslookinggloomyanddepressed,makingnottheslightestefforttobemerry。Thesefourteenwidows——Iknewthempersonally,allofthem,Ilivedinthesamestreet——whatabraveshowofcheerfulnesstheyputon!WhatalessontothecommonorEuropeanwidow,thehumpytypeofwidow!Onecouldspendwholedaysintheircompany——Ihaddoneit——commencingquiteearlyinthemorningwithasleighingexcursion,finishingupquitelateintheeveningwithalittlesupperparty,followedbyanimpromptudance;andneverdetectfromtheiroutwardmannerthattheywerenotthoroughlyenjoyingthemselves。
FromthemothersIturnedmyadmiringeyestowardsthechildren。
ThisisthesecretofAmericansuccess,saidItomyself;thishigh—
spiritedcourage,thisSpartancontemptforsuffering。Lookatthem!
thegallantlittlemenandwomen。Whowouldthinkthattheyhadlostafather?Why,IhaveseenaBritishchildmoreupsetatlosingsixpence。
Talkingtoalittlegirloneday,Ienquiredofherconcerningthehealthofherfather。ThenextmomentIcouldhavebittenmytongueout,rememberingthattherewasn’tsuchathingasafather——notanAmericanfather——inthewholestreet。Shedidnotburstintotearsastheydointhestory—books。Shesaid:
\"Heisquitewell,thankyou,\"simply,pathetically,justlikethat。
\"Iamsureofit,\"Irepliedwithfervour,\"wellandhappyashedeservestobe,andonedayyouwillfindhimagain;youwillgotohim。\"
\"Ah,yes,\"sheanswered,ashininglight,itseemedtome,uponherfairyoungface。\"Mommasayssheisgettingjustabittiredofthisone—horsesortofplace。Sheisquitelookingforwardtoseeinghimagain。\"
Ittouchedmeverydeeply:thiswearywoman,tiredofherlongbereavement,actuallylookingforwardtothefearsomepassageleadingtowhereherlovedonewaitedforherinabetterland。
ForonebrightbreezycreatureIgrewtofeelarealregard。AllthemonthsthatIhadknownher,seenheralmostdaily,neveroncehadI
heardasinglecryofpainescapeherlips,neveroncehadIheardhercursingfate。Ofthemanywhocalleduponherinhercharmingflat,notonehadever,tomyknowledge,offeredherconsolationorcondolence。Itseemedtomecruel,callous。Theover—burdenedheart,findingnooutletforitsimprisonedgrief,findingnosympatheticearintowhichtopouritstaleofwoe,breaks,wearetold;anyhow,itisn’tgoodforit。Idecided——nooneelseseemingkeen——thatIwouldsupplythatsympatheticear。TheverynexttimeI
foundmyselfalonewithherIintroducedthesubject。
\"YouhavebeenlivinghereinDresdenalongtime,haveyounot?\"I
asked。
\"Aboutfiveyears,\"sheanswered,\"onandoff。\"
\"Andallalone,\"Icommented,withasighintendedtoinvitetoconfidence。
\"Well,hardlyalone,\"shecorrectedme,whilealookofpatientresignationaddeddignitytoherpiquantfeatures。\"Yousee,therearethedearchildrenalwaysroundaboutme,duringtheholidays。\"
\"Besides,\"sheadded,\"thepeopleherearerealkindtome;theyhardlyeverletmefeelmyselfalone。Wemakeuplittleparties,youknow,picnicsandexcursions。Andthen,ofcourse,thereistheOperaandtheSymphonyConcerts,andthesubscriptiondances。Thedearoldkinghasbeendoingagooddealthiswinter,too;andImustsaytheEmbassyfolkshavebeenmostthoughtful,sofarasIamconcerned。No,itwouldnotberightformetocomplainofloneliness,notnowthatIhavegottoknowafewpeople,asitwere。\"
\"Butdon’tyoumissyourhusband?\"Isuggested。
Acloudpassedoverherusuallysunnyface。\"Oh,pleasedon’ttalkofhim,\"shesaid,\"itmakesmefeelrealsad,thinkingabouthim。\"
Buthavingcommenced,Iwasdeterminedthatmysympathyshouldnotbelefttowaste。
\"Whatdidhedieof?\"Iasked。
ShegavemealookthepathosofwhichIshallneverforget。
\"Say,youngman,\"shecried,\"areyoutryingtobreakittomegently?Becauseifso,I’dratheryoutoldmestraightout。Whatdidhedieof?\"
\"Thenisn’thedead?\"Iasked,\"Imeansofarasyouknow。\"
\"Neverheardawordabouthisbeingdeadtillyoustartedtheidea,\"
sheretorted。\"SofarasIknowhe’saliveandwell。\"
IsaidthatIwassorry。IwentontoexplainthatIdidnotmeanI
wassorrytohearthatinallprobabilityhewasaliveandwell。
WhatImeantwasIwassorryIhadintroducedapainfulsubject。
\"What’sapainfulsubject?\"
\"Why,yourhusband,\"Ireplied。
\"Butwhyshouldyoucallhimapainfulsubject?\"
Ihadanideashewasgettingangrywithme。Shedidnotsayso。I
gatheredit。ButIhadtoexplainmyselfsomehow。
\"Well,\"Ianswered,\"Itakeit,youdidn’tgetonwelltogether,andIamsureitmusthavebeenhisfault。\"
\"Nowlookhere,\"shesaid,\"don’tyoubreatheawordagainstmyhusbandorweshallquarrel。Anicer,dearerfellowneverlived。\"
\"Thenwhatdidyoudivorcehimfor?\"Iasked。Itwasimpertinent,itwasunjustifiable。MyexcuseisthatthemysterysurroundingtheAmericanhusbandhadbeenworryingmeformonths。HerehadI
stumbledupontheopportunityofsolvingit。InstinctivelyIclungtomyadvantage。
\"Therehasn’tbeenanydivorce,\"shesaid。\"Thereisn’tgoingtobeanydivorce。You’llmakemecrossinanotherminute。\"
ButIwasbecomingreckless。\"Heisnotdead。Youarenotdivorcedfromhim。Whereishe?\"Idemandedwithsomeheat。
\"Whereishe?\"shereplied,astonished。Whereshouldhebe?Athome,ofcourse。\"Ilookedaroundtheluxuriously—furnishedroomwithitsairofcosycomfort,ofsubstantialrestfulness。
\"Whathome?\"Iasked。
\"Whathome!Why,ourhome,inDetroit。\"
\"Whatishedoingthere?\"Ihadbecomesomuchinearnestthatmyvoicehadassumedunconsciouslyanauthoritativetone。Presumably,ithypnotisedher,forsheansweredmyquestionsasthoughshehadbeeninthewitness—box。
\"HowdoIknow?HowcanIpossiblytellyouwhatheisdoing?Whatdopeopleusuallydoathome?\"
\"Answerthequestions,madam,don’taskthem。Whatareyoudoinghere?Quitetruthfully,ifyouplease。\"Myeyeswerefixeduponher。
\"Enjoyingmyself。Helikesmetoenjoymyself。Besides,Iameducatingthechildren。\"
\"Youmeantheyarehereatboarding—schoolwhileyouaregaddingabout。WhatiswrongwithAmericaneducation?Whendidyouseeyourhusbandlast?\"
\"Last?Letmesee。No,lastChristmasIwasinBerlin。ItmusthavebeentheChristmasbefore,Ithink。\"
\"Ifheisthedearkindfellowyousayheis,howisityouhaven’tseenhimfortwoyears?\"
\"Because,asItellyou,heisathome,inDetroit。HowcanIseehimwhenIamhereinDresdenandheisinDetroit?Youdoaskfoolishquestions。Hemeanstotryandcomeoverinthesummer,ifhecansparethetime,andthen,ofcourse—
\"Answermyquestions,please。I’vespokentoyouonceaboutit。Doyouthinkyouareperformingyourdutyasawife,enjoyingyourselfinDresdenandBerlinwhileyourhusbandisworkinghardinDetroit?\"
\"Hewasquitewillingformetocome。TheAmericanhusbandisagoodfellowwholikeshiswifetoenjoyherself。\"
\"IamnotaskingforyourviewsontheAmericanhusband。IamaskingyourviewsontheAmericanwife——onyourself。TheAmericanhusbandappearstobeasortofstained—glasssaint,andyouAmericanwivesareimposinguponhim。Itisdoingyounogood,anditwon’tgoonforever。TherewillcomeadaywhentheAmericanhusbandwillwakeuptothefactheismakingafoolofhimself,andbyover—
indulgence,over—devotion,turningtheAmericanwomanintoaheartless,selfishcreature。WhatsortofahomedoyouthinkitisinDetroit,withyouandthechildrenoverhere?Tellme,istheAmericanhusbandmadeentirelyofdrivensnow,withblooddistilledfrommoonbeams,orishecomposedoftheordinaryingredients?
Because,ifthelatter,youtakemyadviceandgetbackhome。ItakeitthatinAmerica,proper,therearemillionsofrealhomeswherethewomandoesherdutyandplaysthegame。ButalsoitisquitecleartherearethousandsofhomesinAmerica,mereechoingrooms,wherethemanwalksbyhimself,hiswifeandchildrenscatteredoverEurope。Itisn’tgoingtowork,itisn’trightthatitshouldwork。\"
\"Youtaketheadviceofasincerefriend。Packup——youandthechildren——andgethome。\"
Ileft。Itwasgrowinglate。Ifeltitwastimetoleave。WhethershetookmycounselIcannotsay。IonlyknowthattherestillremaininEuropeagoodlynumberofAmericanwivestowhomitisapplicable。
DOESTHEYOUNGMANKNOWEVERYTHINGWORTHKNOWING?
IamtoldthatAmericanprofessorsare\"mourningthelackofideals\"
atColumbiaUniversity——possiblyalsoatotheruniversitiesscatteredthroughtheUnitedStates。IfitbeanyconsolationtothesemourningAmericanprofessors,Icanassurethemthattheydonotmournalone。IlivenotfarfromOxford,andenjoytheadvantageofoccasionallylisteningtothejeremiadsofEnglishUniversityprofessors。MorethanonceaGermanprofessorhasdonemethehonourtoemploymeasanobjectonwhichtosharpenhisEnglish。HealsohasmournedsimilarlackofidealsatHeidelberg,atBonn。Youthisyouthalltheworldover;ithasitsownideals;theyarenotthoseoftheUniversityprofessor。Theexplanationistolerablysimple。
Youthisyoung,andtheUniversityprofessor,generallyspeaking,ismiddle—aged。
Icansympathisewiththemourningprofessor。I,inmytime,havesufferedlikedespair。Irememberthedaysowell;itwasmytwelfthbirthday。IrecalltheunholyjoywithwhichIreflectedthatforthefuturemyunfortunateparentswouldbecalledupontopayformefullrailwayfare;itmarkedadecidedsteptowardsmanhood。Iwasnowinmyteens。Thatveryafternoontherecametovisitusarelativeofours。Shebroughtwithherthreesmallchildren:agirl,agedsix;aprecious,golden—hairedthinginalacecollarthatcalleditselfaboy,agedfive;andathirdstillsmallercreature,itmighthavebeenmale,itmighthavebeenfemale;Icouldnothavetoldyouatthetime,Icannottellyounow。Thiscollectionofatomswashandedovertome。
\"Now,showyourselfaman,\"saidmydearmother,\"rememberyouareinyourteens。Takethemoutforawalkandamusethem;andmindnothinghappenstothem。\"
TothechildrenthemselvestheirownmothergaveinstructionsthattheyweretodoeverythingthatItoldthem,andnottoteartheirclothesormakethemselvesuntidy。Thesedirections,eventomyself,atthetime,appearedcontradictory。ButIsaidnothing。Andoutintothewildsthefourofusdeparted。
Iwasanonlychild。Myowninfancyhadpassedfrommymemory。Tome,attwelve,theideasofsixwereasincomprehensibleasarethoseoftwentytotheUniversityprofessorofforty。Iwantedtobeapirate。Roundthecornerandacrosstheroadbuildingoperationswereinprogress。Planksandpoleslayreadytoone’shand。Nature,intheneighbourhood,hadplacedconvenientlyashallowpond。ItwasSaturdayafternoon。Thenearestpublic—housewasamileaway。
ImmunityfrominterferencebytheBritishworkmanwasthusassured。
Itoccurredtomethatbyplacingmythreedepressedlookingrelativesononeraft,attackingthemmyselffromanother,takingtheeldestgirl’ssixpenceawayfromher,disablingtheirraft,andleavingthemtodriftwithoutarudder,innocentamusementwouldbeprovidedforhalfanhouratleast。
Theydidnotwanttoplayatpirates。Atfirstsightofthepondthethingthatcalleditselfaboybegantocry。Thesix—year—oldladysaidshedidnotlikethesmellofit。NotevenafterIhadexplainedthegametothemweretheyanythemoreenthusiasticforit。
IproposedRedIndians。Theycouldgotosleepintheunfinishedbuildinguponasackoflime,Iwouldcreepupthroughthegrass,setfiretothehouse,anddanceroundit,whoopingandwavingmytomahawk,watchingwithfiendishdelightthefranticbutfutileeffortsofthepalefacestoescapetheirdoom。
Itdidnot\"catchon\"——noteventhat。Thepreciousthinginthelacecollarbegantocryagain。ThecreatureconcerningwhomIcouldnothavetoldyouwhetheritwasmaleorfemalemadenoattemptatargument,butstartedtorun;itseemedtohavetakenadisliketothisparticularfield。Itstumbledoverascaffoldingpole,andthenitalsobegantocry。Whatcouldonedotoamusesuchpeople?I
leftittothemtoproposesomething。Theythoughttheywouldliketoplayat\"Mothers\"——notinthisfield,butinsomeotherfield。
Theeldestgirlwouldbemother。Theothertwowouldrepresentherchildren。Theyhadbeentakensuddenlyill。\"Waterworks,\"asIhadchristenedhim,wastoholdhishandstohismiddleandgroan。Hisfacebrightenedupatthesuggestion。Thenondescripthadthetoothache。Ittookupitspartwithoutamoment’shesitation,andsettoworktoscream。Icouldbethedoctorandlookattheirtongues。
Thatwastheir\"ideal\"game。AsIhavesaid,rememberingthatafternoon,IcansympathisewiththeUniversityprofessormourningtheabsenceofUniversityidealsinyouth。Possiblyatsixmyownidealgamemayhavebeen\"Mothers。\"LookingbackfromthepileofbirthdaysuponwhichInowstand,itoccurstomethatveryprobablyitwas。Butfromtheperspectiveoftwelve,thereflectionthattherewerebeingsintheworldwhocouldfindrecreationinsuchfoolingsaddenedme。
Eightyearslater,hisfathernotbeingabletoaffordthetime,I
conductedMaster\"Waterworks,\"nowahealthy,uninteresting,gawkylad,toaschoolinSwitzerland。ItwasmyfirstContinentaltrip。
Ishouldhaveenjoyeditbetterhadhenotbeenwithme。HethoughtParisa\"beastlyhole。\"HedidnotsharemyadmirationfortheFrenchwoman;heeventhoughtherbadlydressed。
\"Whyshe’ssotiedup,shecan’twalkstraight,\"wastheonlyimpressionsheleftuponhim。
Wechangedthesubject;itirritatedmetohearhimtalk。ThebeautifulJuno—likecreatureswecameacrossfurtheroninGermany,hesaidweretoofat。Hewantedtoseethemrun。Ifoundhimutterlysoulless。
Toexpectaboytolovelearningandcultureislikeexpectinghimtopreferoldvintageclarettogooseberrywine。Cultureforthemajorityisanacquiredtaste。Speakingpersonally,IamentirelyinagreementwiththeUniversityprofessor。Ifindknowledge,promptingtoobservationandleadingtoreflection,themostsatisfactoryluggagewithwhichatravellerthroughlifecanprovidehimself。I
wouldthatIhadmoreofit。Tobeabletoenjoyapictureisofmoreadvantagethantobeabletobuyit。
AllthattheUniversityprofessorcanurgeinfavourofidealismIampreparedtoendorse。ButthenIam——letussay,thirty—nine。Atfourteenmycandidopinionwasthathewastalking\"rot。\"Ilookedattheoldgentlemanhimself——anarrow—chested,spectacledoldgentleman,wholivedupabystreet。Hedidnotseemtohavemuchfunofanysort。Itwasnotmyideal。HetoldmethingshadbeenwritteninalanguagecalledGreekthatIshouldenjoyreading,butI
hadnotevenreadallCaptainMarryat。ThereweretalesbySirWalterScottand\"JackHarkaway’sSchooldays!\"IfeltIcouldwaitawhile。TherewasachapcalledAristophaneswhohadwrittencomedies,satirisingthepoliticalinstitutionsofacountrythathaddisappearedtwothousandyearsago。Isay,withoutshame,DruryLanepantomimeandBarnum’sCircuscalledtomemorestrongly。
Wishingtogivetheoldgentlemanachance,Idippedintotranslations。SomeoftheseoldfellowswerenotasbadasIhadimaginedthem。ApartynamedHomerhadwrittensomereallyinterestingstuff。Hereandthere,maybe,hewasabitlong—winded,but,takinghimasawhole,therewas\"go\"inhim。Therewasanotherofthem——Ovidwashisname。Hecouldtellastory,Ovidcould。Hehadimagination。Hewasalmostasgoodas\"RobinsonCrusoe。\"I
thoughtitwouldpleasemyprofessor,tellinghimthatIwasreadingthese,hisfavouriteauthors。
\"Readingthem!\"hecried,\"butyoudon’tknowGreekorLatin。\"
\"ButIknowEnglish,\"Ianswered;\"theyhaveallbeentranslatedintoEnglish。Younevertoldmethat!\"
Itappeareditwasnotthesamething。Thereweresubtledelicaciesofdictionboundtoescapeeventhebesttranslator。ThesesubtledelicaciesofdictionIcouldenjoyonlybydevotingthenextsevenoreightyearsofmylifetothestudyofGreekandLatin。ItwillgrievetheUniversityprofessortohearit,buttheenjoymentofthosesubtledelicaciesofdictiondidnotappeartome——Iwasonlyfourteenatthetime,pleaseremember——tobeworththetimeandtrouble。
Theboyismateriallyinclined——themourningAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredit。Ididnotwanttobeanidealistlivingupabackstreet。Iwantedtoliveinthebiggesthouseinthebeststreetofthetown。Iwantedtorideahorse,wearafurcoat,andhaveasmuchtoeatanddrinkaseverIliked。Iwantedtomarrythemostbeautifulwomanintheworld,tohavemynameinthenewspaper,andtoknowthateverybodywasenvyingme。
Mournoverit,mydearprofessor,asyouwill——thatistheidealofyouth;and,solongashumannatureremainswhatitis,willcontinuetobeso。Itisamaterialisticideal——asordidideal。Maybeitisnecessary。Maybetheworldwouldnotmovemuchiftheyoungmenstartedthinkingtooearly。Theywanttoberich,sotheyflingthemselvesfrenziedlyintothestruggle。Theybuildthetowns,andmaketherailwaytracks,hewdowntheforests,digtheoreoutoftheground。Therecomesadaywhenitisborneinuponthemthattryingtogetrichisapoorsortofgame——thatthereisonlyonethingmoretiresomethanbeingamillionaire,andthatistryingtobeamillionaire。But,meanwhile,theworldhasgotitsworkdone。
TheAmericanprofessorfearsthattheartisticdevelopmentofAmericaleavesmuchtobedesired。Ifeartheartisticdevelopmentofmostcountriesleavesmuchtobedesired。WhytheAtheniansthemselvessandwichedtheirdramabetweenwrestlingcompetitionsandboxingbouts。TheplaysofSophocles,orEuripides,weregivenas\"sideshows。\"Thechiefitemsofthefairwerethegamesandraces。
Besides,Americaisstillayoungman。Ithasbeenbusy\"gettingonintheworld。\"Ithasnotyetquitefinished。YettherearesignsthatyoungAmericaisapproachingthethirty—nines。Heisfindingalittletime,alittlemoneytospareforart。OnecanalmosthearyoungAmerica——notquitesoyoungashewas——sayingtoMrs。Europeasheentersandclosestheshopdoor:
\"Well,ma’am,hereIam,andmaybeyou’llbegladtohearI’vealittlemoneytospend。Yes,ma’am,I’vefixedthingsallrightacrossthewater;weshan’tstarve。Sonow,ma’am,youandIcanhaveachatconcerningthisartI’vebeenhearingsomuchabout。
Let’shavealookatit,ma’am,trotitout,anddon’tyoubeafraidofputtingafairpriceuponit。\"
IaminclinedtothinkthatMrs。EuropehasnothesitatedtoputagoodpriceupontheartshehassoldtoUncleSam。IamafraidMrs。
Europehasoccasionally\"unloaded\"onUncleSam。Italkedtoacertaindealeroneafternoon,nowmanyyearsago,attheUwantitClub。
\"Whatisthenextpicturelikelytobemissing?\"Iaskedhiminthecourseofgeneralconversation。
\"ThomelittlethingofHoppner’th,ifitmuthtbe,\"herepliedwithconfidence。
\"Hoppner,\"Imurmured,\"Iseemtohaveheardthename。\"
\"Yeth;you’llhearitabitoftenerduringthenexteighteenmonthortho。Youtakecareyoudon’tgettiredofhearingit,thathall,\"helaughed。\"Yeth,\"hecontinued,thoughtfully,\"Reynoldthithplayedout。NothingmuchtobemadeofGainthborough,either。Dealinginthatlotnow,why,it’thlikekeepingapothtoffith。Hoppner’ththecomingman。\"
\"You’vebeenbuyingHoppnersupcheap,\"Isuggested。
\"Betweenuth,\"heanswered,\"yeth,Ithinkwe’vegotthemall。Maybeafewmore。Idon’tthinkwe’vemithedany。\"
\"Youwillsellthemformorethanyougaveforthem,\"Ihinted。
\"You’rethmart,\"heanswered,regardingmeadmiringly,\"youtheethrougheverythingyoudo。\"
\"Howdoyouworkit?\"Iaskedhim。Thereisatimeinthedaywhenheisconfidential。\"Hereisthisman,Hoppner。Itakeitthatyouhaveboughthimupatanaverageofahundredpoundsapicture,andthatatthatpricemostownerswerefairlygladtosell。Fewfolksoutsidetheartschoolshaveeverheardofhim。Ibetthatatthepresentmomentthereisn’toneartcriticwhocouldspellhisnamewithoutreferencetoadictionary。Ineighteenmonthsyouwillbesellinghimforanythingfromonethousandtotenthousandpounds。
Howisitdone?\"
\"Howitheverythingdonethat’thdonewell?\"heanswered。\"Byearnethteffort。\"Hehitchedhischairnearertome,\"Igetachap——
oneofyourthortofchapth——hewrit’thanarticleaboutHoppner。I
getanothertoanthwerhim。BeforeI’vedonethere’llbeahundredarticlethaboutHoppner——hithlife,hithearlythruggie,anecdo’thabouthithwife。ThenaHoppnerwillbetholdatpublicauchtionforathouthandguineath。\"
\"Buthowcanyoubecertainitwillfetchathousandguineas?\"I
interrupted。
\"Ihappentoknowthemanwhothgoingtobuyit。\"Hewinked,andI
understood。
\"Afortnightlatertherewillbeathaleofhalf—a—dothen,andtheprithewillbegoneupbythattime。\"
\"Andafterthat?\"Isaid。
\"Afterthat,\"hereplied,rising,\"theAmericanmillionaire!He’lljuthtbewaitingonthedoor—thtepforthethale—roomtoopen。\"
\"IfbyanychanceIcomeacrossaHoppner?\"Isaid,laughing,asI
turnedtogo。
\"Don’tyouholdontoittoolong,that’thall,\"washisadvice。
HOWMANYCHARMSHATHMUSIC,WOULDYOUSAY?
TheargumentofthelateHerrWagnerwasthatgrandopera——themusicdrama,ashecalledit——included,andthereforedidawaywiththenecessityfor——allotherarts。Musicinallitsbranches,ofcourse,itprovides:somuchIwillconcedetothelateHerrWagner。Therearetimes,Iconfess,whenmymusicalyearningsmightshockthelateHerrWagner——timeswhenIfeelunequaltofollowingthreedistinctthemesatoneandthesameinstant。
\"Listen,\"whisperstheWagnerianenthusiasttome,\"thecornethasnowtheBrunnhildamotive。\"Itseemstome,inmythenstateofdepravity,asifthecornethadevenmorethanthisthematterwithhim。
\"Thesecondviolins,\"continuestheWagnerianenthusiast,\"arecarryingontheWotantheme。\"Thattheyarecarryingongoeswithoutsaying:theplayers’facesarestreamingwithperspiration。
\"Thebrass,\"explainsmyfriend——hisobjectistocultivatemyear——
\"isaccompanyingthesingers。\"Ishouldhavesaiddrowningthem。
ThereareoccasionswhenIcanraveaboutWagnerwiththebestofthem。Highclassmoodscometoallofus。Thedifferencebetweenthereallyhigh—classmananduscommonplace,workadaymenisthedifferencebetween,say,theeagleandthebarnyardchicken。Iamthebarnyardchicken。Ihavemywings。ThereareecstaticmomentswhenIfeelIwanttospurnthesordidearthandsoarintotherealmsofart。Idoflyalittle,butmybodyisheavy,andIonlygetasfarasthefence。AfterawhileIfinditlonesomeonthefence,andIhopdownagainamongmyfellows。
ListeningtoWagner,duringsuchtemporaryPhilistinicmood,mysenseoffairplayisoutraged。Alone,lornwomanstandsuponthestagetryingtomakeherselfheard。Shehastodothissortofthingforherliving;maybeaninvalidmother,youngerbrothersandsistersaredependentuponher。Onehundredandfortymen,allarmedwithpowerfulinstruments,well—organised,andmostofthemlookingwell—
fed,combinetomakeitimpossibleforasinglenoteofthatpoorwoman’svoicetobeheardabovetheirdin。Iseeherstandingthere,openingandshuttinghermouth,gettingredderandredderintheface。Sheissinging,onefeelssureofit;onecouldhearherifonlythoseonehundredandfortymenwouldeaseupforaminute。Shemakesonemighty,supremeeffort;abovethebangingofthedrums,theblareofthetrumpets,theshriekingofthestrings,thatlastdespairingnoteisdistinctlyheard。
Shehaswon,butthevictoryhascostherdear。Shesinksdownfaintingonthestageandiscarriedoffbysupers。Chivalrousindignationhasmadeitdifficultformetokeepmyseatwatchingtheunequalcontest。Myinstinctwastoleapthebarrier,hurlthebald—
headedchiefofherenemiesfromhishighchair,andlayaboutmewiththetromboneortheclarionet——whichevermighthavecometheeasiertomysnatch。
\"Youcowardlylotofbullies,\"Ihavewantedtocry,\"areyounotashamedofyourselves?Ahundredandfortyofyouagainstone,andthatoneastillbeautifuland,comparativelyspeaking,younglady。
Bequietforaminute——can’tyou?Givethepoorgirlachance。\"
AladyofmyacquaintancesaysthatsittingoutaWagnerianoperaseemstoherlikelisteningtoasingeraccompaniedbyfourorchestrasplayingdifferenttunesatthesametime。AsIhavesaid,therearetimeswhenWagnercarriesmealongwithhim,whenIexultinthecrashandwhirlofhiscontendingharmonies。But,alas!therearethoseothermoods——thoseafterdinnermoods——whenmydesireisforsomethingdistinctlyresemblingatune。Still,thereareothercomposersofgrandoperabesidesWagner。IgranttothelateHerrWagner,that,insofarasmusicisconcerned,operacansupplyuswithallwecanneed。
ButitwasalsoWagner’sargumentthatgrandoperacouldsupplyuswithacting,andthereIamcompelledtodisagreewithhim。Wagnerthoughtthattheartsofactingandsingingcouldbecombined。I
haveseenartiststhegreatmanhastrainedhimself。Assingerstheyleftnothingtobedesired,buttheactingingrandoperahasneveryetimpressedme。Wagnerneversucceededinavoidingtheoperaticconventionandnobodyelseeverwill。Whentheoperaticlovermeetshissweetheartheputsherinacornerand,turninghisbackuponher,comesdowntothefootlightsandtellstheaudiencehowheadoresher。Whenhehasfinished,he,inhisturn,retiresintothecorner,andshecomesdownandtellstheaudiencethatsheissimplymadabouthim。
Overcomewithjoyatfindingshereallycaresforhim,hecomesdownrightandsaysthatthisisthehappiestmomentofhislife;andshestandsleft,twelvefeetawayfromhim,andhasthepresentimentthatallthissortofthingismuchtoogoodtolast。Theygoofftogether,backwards,sidebyside。Ifthereisanylove—making,suchasIunderstandbytheterm,itisdone\"off。\"Thisisnotmyideaofacting。ButIdonotseehowyouaregoingtosubstituteforitanythingmorenatural。Whenyouaresingingatthetopofyourvoice,youdon’twantaheavywomanhangingroundyourneck。Whenyouarekillingamanandwarblingaboutitatthesametime,youdon’twanthimfoolingaroundyoudefendinghimself。Youwanthimtohavealittlereasonablepatience,andtowaitinhisproperplacetillyouhavefinished,tellinghim,orrathertellingthecrowd,howmuchyouhateanddespisehim。
Whenthepropertimecomes,andifheiswhereyouexpecttofindhimwhilethinkingofyourupperC,youwillhithimlightlyontheshoulderwithyoursword,andthenhecandietohisownparticulartune。Ifyouhavebeenseverelywoundedinbattle,orinanyothersortofrow,andhavegottosingalongballadbeforeyoufinallyexpire,youdon’twanttohavetothinkhowamanwouldreallybehavewhoknewhehadonlygotafewminutestoliveandwasfeelingbadaboutit。Thechancesarethathewouldnotwanttosingatall。
Thewomanwhoreallylovedhimwouldnotencouragehimtosing。Shewouldwanthimtokeepquietwhileshemovedherselfaboutabit,incasetherewasanythingthatcouldbedoneforhim。
Ifamobisclimbingthestairsthirstingforyourblood,youdonotwanttostanduprightwithyourarmsstretchedout,agoodeighteeninchesfromthedoor,whileyougooveratsomelengththevariedincidentsleadinguptotheannoyance。Ifyourdesireweretoactnaturallyyouwouldpushagainstthatdoorforallyouwereworth,andyellforsomebodytobringyouachestofdrawersandabedstead,andthingslikethat,topileupagainstit。Ifyouwereaking,andweregivingaparty,youwouldnotwantyourgueststofixyouupattheotherendoftheroomandleaveyouthere,withnobodytotalktobutyourownwife,whiletheyturnedtheirbacksuponyou,andhadalongandcomplicateddancealltothemselves。Youwouldwanttobeinit;youwouldwanttoletthemknowthatyouwereking。
Inacting,alltheselittlepointshavetobeconsidered。Inopera,everythingisrightlysacrificedtomusicalnecessity。Ihaveseentheyoung,enthusiasticopera—singerwhothoughtthatheorshecouldactandsingatthesametime。Theexperiencedartisttakesthecentreofthestageandhusbandshisresources。Whetherheissupposedtobeindignantbecausesomebodyhaskilledhismother,orcheerfulbecauseheisgoingouttofighthiscountry’sfoes,whoareonlywaitinguntilhehasfinishedsingingtoattackthetown,heleavesittothecomposertomakeclear。
AlsoitwasHerrWagner’sideathatthebackclothwouldleavetheopera—goerindifferenttothepicturegallery。Thecastleontherock,accessibleonlybyballoon,inwhicheverywindowlightsupsimultaneouslyandinstantaneously,oneminuteaftersunset,whilethefullmoonisrushinguptheskyatthepaceofachampioncomet——
thatwonderfulseathatsuddenlyopensandswallowsuptheship——
thosesnow—cladmountains,overwhichtheshadowoftheheropasseslikeathreateningcloud——thegrandoldchateau,tremblinginthewind——whatneed,willasktheopera—goerofthefuture,ofyourTurnersandyourCorots,when,forpricesrangingfromashillingupwards,wecanhaveadozenpicturessuchastheserolledupanddownbeforeuseveryevening?
ButperhapsthemostdaringhopeofallwasthedreamthatcametoHerrWagnerthathisoperasingers,hisgroupedchoruses,wouldeventuallysatisfythecravingofthepublicforhighclassstatuary。
Iamnotquitesurethegeneralpublicdoescareforstatuary。IdonotknowwhethertheideahaseveroccurredtotheAnarchist,but,wereImyselforganisingsecretcommitteemeetingsforunholypurposes,Ishouldinvitemycomradestomeetinthatsectionofthelocalmuseumdevotedtostatuary。Icanconceiveofnoplacewhereweshouldbefreerfrompryingeyesandlisteningears。Aselectfew,however,doappreciatestatuary;andsuch,Iaminclinedtothink,willnotbeweanedfromtheirpassionbythecontemplationoftheoperasingerinhisorhervariousquaintcostumes。
AndevenifthetenoralwayssatisfiedouridealofApollo,andthesopranowerealwaysassylph—likeassheisdescribedinthelibretto,eventhenIshoulddoubttheaverageoperaticchorusbeingregardedbytheconnoisseurasacheapandpleasantsubstituteforabasrelieffromtheElginmarbles。Thegreatthingrequiredofthatoperaticchorusisexperience。Theyoungandgiddy—patedthechorusmasterhasnousefor。Thesober,honest,industriousladyorgentleman,withaknowledgeofmusicisveryproperlyhisideal。
WhatIadmireaboutthechoruschieflyisitsunity。Thewholevillagedressesexactlyalike。Inwicked,worldlyvillagesthereisrivalry,leadingtoheartburnandjealously。Oneladycomesoutsuddenly,on,say,aBankHoliday,inafetchingbluethatconquerseverymaleheart。Nextholidayherrivalcutsheroutwithagreenhat。Intheoperaticvillageitmustbethatthegirlsgathertogetherbeforehandtoarrangethisthing。Thereisprobablyameetingcalled。
\"ThedearCount’swedding,\"announcesthechairwoman,\"youwillallbepleasedtohear,hasbeenfixedforthefourteenth,ateleveno’clockinthemorning。Theentirevillagewillbeassembledatten—
thirtytoawaitthereturnofthebridalcortegefromthechurch,andofferitsfelicitations。Marriedladies,will,ofcourse,comeaccompaniedbytheirhusbands。Unmarriedladiesmusteachbringamalepartnerasneartheirownheightaspossible。Fortunately,inthisvillagethenumberofmalesisexactlyequaltothatoffemales,sothatthepictureneednotbespoiled。Thechildrenwillorganisethemselvesintoanindependentbodyandwillgroupthemselvespicturesquely。Ithasbeenthoughtadvisable,\"continuesthechairwoman,\"thatthevillageshouldmeetthedearCountandhisbrideatsomespotnottoofarremovedfromthelocalalehouse。Thecostumetobewornbytheladieswillconsistofashortpinkskirtterminatingatthekneesandornamentedwithfestoonsofflowers;
abovewillbewornaboleroinmauvesilkwithoutsleevesandcutdecollete。Theshoesshouldbeofyellowsatinoverflesh—colouredstockings。Ladieswhoare’out’willwearpearlnecklaces,andasimpledeviceinemeraldstodecoratethehair。ThankGod,wecanallofusaffordit,andprovidedtheweatherholdsupandnothingunexpectedhappens——heisnotwhatIcallaluckyman,ourCount,anditisalwaysaswelltobepreparedforpossibilities——well,Ithinkwemaylookforwardtoareallypleasantday。\"
Itcannotbedone,HerrWagner,believeme。Youcannotsubstitutethemusicdramaforalltheartscombined。Theobjecttobeaimedatbythewisecomposershouldbetomakeus,whilelisteningtohismusic,forgetfulofallremainingartisticconsiderations。
THEWHITEMAN’SBURDEN!NEEDITBESOHEAVY?
ItisadelightfulstrollonasunnysummermorningfromtheHaguetotheHuistenBosch,thelittle\"houseinthewood,\"builtforPrincessAmalia,widowofStadtholterFrederickHenry,underwhomHollandescapedfinallyfromthebondageofherfoesandenteredintothepromisedlandofLiberty。Leavingthequietstreets,thetree—
borderedcanals,withtheircreepingbarges,youpassthroughapleasantpark,wherethesoft—eyeddeerpressroundyou,hurtandindignantifyouhavebroughtnothinginyourpocket——notevenapieceofsugar——toofferthem。Itisnotthattheyaregrasping——itisthewantofattentionthatwoundsthem。
\"Ithoughthewasagentleman,\"theyseemtobesayingtooneanother,ifyouglanceback,\"helookedlikeagentleman。\"
Theirmildeyeshauntyou;onthenextoccasionyoudonotforget。
TheParkmergesintotheforest;yougobywindingwaystillyoureachthetrimDutchgarden,moat—encircled,inthecentreofwhichstandstheprimold—fashionedvilla,which,tothesimpleDutchman,appearsapalace。Theconcierge,anoldsoldier,bowslowtoyouandintroducesyoutohiswife——astately,white—haireddame,whotalksmostlanguagesalittle,sofarasrelatestoallthingswithinandappertainingtothistinypalaceofthewood。Tothingswithout,beyondthewood,herpowersofconversationdonotextend:
apparentlysuchmattersdonotinteresther。
SheconductsyoutotheChineseRoom;thesunstreamsthroughthewindows,illuminatingthewondrousgoldendragonsstandingoutinboldrelieffromtheburnishedlacquerwork,decoratingstillfurtherwithlightandshadethedelicatesilkembroideriesthintaperhandshavewovenwithinfinitepains。Thewallsarehungwithricepaper,depictingtheconventionalscenesoftheconventionalChineselife。
Youfindyourthoughtswandering。Thesegrotesquefigures,thesecaricaturesofhumanity!Acomicalcreature,surely,thisChinaman,thepantaloonofcivilization。Howusefulhehasbeentousforourfarces,ourcomicoperas!Thisyellowbaby,inhisamplepinafore,wholivedthousandsofyearsago,whohasnowpassedintothisstrangesecondchildhood。
Butishedying——ordoesthelifeofanationwakeagain,asaftersleep?Ishethisdroll,harmlessthingheheredepictshimself?
Andifnot?Supposefreshsapbestirringthroughhisthreehundredmillions?Wethoughthewassoverydead;wethoughtthetimehadcometocuthimupanddividehim,theonlydangerbeinglestweshouldquarreloverhiscarcaseamongourselves。
Supposeitturnsoutasthefableofthewoodcutterandthebear?
Thewoodcutterfoundthebearlyingintheforest。Atfirsthewasmuchfrightened,butthebearlayremarkablystill。Sothewoodmancreptnearer,venturedtokickthebear——verygently,readytorunifneedbe。Surelythebearwasdead!Andpartsofabeararegoodtoeat,andbearskintopoorwoodfolkoncoldwinternightsisgrateful。
Sothewoodmandrewhisknifeandcommencedthenecessarypreliminaries。Butthebearwasnotdead。
IftheChinamanbenotdead?Ifthecutting—upprocesshasonlyservedtowakenhim?Inalittletimefromnowweshallknow。
FromtheChineseRoomthewhite—haireddameleadsustotheJapaneseRoom。Hadgentle—lookingPrincessAmaliasomevagueforeshadowingofthefutureinhermindwhensheplannedthesetworoomsleadingintooneanother?TheJapanesedecorationsaremoregrotesque,thedesignslesscheerfullycomicalthanthoseofcousinChinaman。Thesemonstrous,mis—shapenwrestlers,thesepatient—lookinggods,withtheirinscrutableeyes!Wasitalwaysthere,orisitonlybythelightofpresenteventsthatonereadsintothefantasticfanciesoftheartistworkinglongagointhedoorwayofhispaperhouse,ameaningthathashithertoescapedus?
ButthechiefattractionoftheHuistenBoschisthegorgeousOrangeSaloon,lightedbyacupola,fiftyfeetabovethefloor,thewallsoneblazeofpictures,chieflyofthegorgeousJordaenschool——\"TheDefeatoftheVices,\"\"TimeVanquishingSlander\"——mostlyallegorical,inpraiseofallthevirtues,inpraiseofenlightenmentandprogress。Aptlyenoughinaroomsodecorated,herewasheldthefamousPeaceCongressthatclosedthelastcentury。OnecanhardlyavoidsmilingasonethinksofthesolemnconclaveofgrandeesassembledtoproclaimthepopularityofPeace。
ItwasintheautumnofthesameyearthatEuropedecideduponthedividing—upofChina,thatsoldierswereinstructedbyChristianmonarchstomassacremen,womenandchildren,theideabeingtoimpressupontheHeathenChineethesuperiorcivilizationofthewhiteman。TheBoerwarfollowedalmostimmediately。Sincewhenthewhitemanhasbeenprettybusyallovertheworldwithhis\"expeditions\"andhis\"missions。\"Theworldisundoubtedlygrowingmorerefined。Wedonotcareforuglywords。Eventheburglarrefersairilytothe\"littlejob\"hehasonhand。Youwouldthinkhehadfoundworkinthecountry。Ishouldnotbesurprisedtolearnthathesaysaprayerbeforestarting,telegraphshometohisanxiouswifethenextmorningthathistaskhasbeencrownedwithblessing。
Untilthefar—offdateofUniversalBrotherhoodwarwillcontinue。
Mattersconsideredunimportantbybothpartieswill——withamightyflourishoftrumpets——bereferredtoarbitration。Iwastalkingofafamousfinancierawhileagowithamanwhohadbeenhissecretary。
Amongstotheranecdotes,hetoldmeofacertainagreementaboutwhichdisputehadarisen。Thefamousfinanciertookthepaperintohisownhandsandmadeafewswiftcalculations。
\"Letitgo,\"heconcluded,\"itisonlyathousandpoundsattheoutside。Mayaswellbehonest。\"
Concerningadeadfishermanortwo,concerningboundariesthroughunproductivemountainrangesweshallarbitrateandfeelvirtuous。
Forgoldminesandgoodpasturelands,mixedupwithalittlehonourtogiverespectabilitytothebusiness,weshallfightitout,aspreviously。Warbeingthusinevitable,thehumanemanwillrejoicethatbyoneofthosebrilliantdiscoveries,sosimplewhentheyareexplained,warinthefutureisgoingtoberenderedequallysatisfactorytovictorandtovanquished。
Inby—elections,asawittywriterhaspointedout,therearenodefeats——onlyvictoriesandmoralvictories。Theideaseemstohavecaughton。Warinthefutureisevidentlygoingtobeconductedonthesameunderstanding。Onceuponatime,fromafar—offland,acertaingeneraltelegraphedhomecongratulatinghisGovernmentthattheenemyhadshownnoinclinationwhatevertopreventhisrunningaway。Thewholecountryrejoiced。